Tuesday, March 12, 2013

OMG! PCW's Back! PCW Returns and Finds That...Nothing's Changed.

PCW Extreme Political TV Review
Saturday March 9th, 2012
DC Armory
Washington D.C.

PCW finally returned to the airwaves last night with a show at the DC Armory. The show would have been Friday night but Rand Paul (R-KY) got into the ring and spoke for over 15 hours straight, forcing PCW to move the show back one night.

‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave welcomed everyone back and ran down who the champions were:

PCW WORLD CHAMPION: Triple R (D)
PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS:
Big Union: ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
TELEVISION CHAMPION:
William Daniels Bryan (I)

The show started with Charlie Blackwell and Brad Company talking backstage. Blackwell was glad to be back in and wondered how the rest of the rank and file PCW workers managed during the near three month hiatus. Company didn’t know but said he heard a rumor that the Republican and Democrat wrestlers were paid during the time off, piquing Blackwell’s interest.

Concerto for Trumpet, no. 2 by Johann Melchior Molter (1696-1765) plays as an introduction…

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands and lets out a loud ovation as PCW CEO Barack Obama appears.

Obama also welcomes everyone back to PCW and promptly blames the Republicans for the three month break.

Yeah, typical…- Johnny Suave

The PCW CEO then introduces a new quality control aide, Kirsten Karsten, to make sure that the PCW programming is appropriate for all.

“I got this idea from watching the Dan Patrick show!”- Kirsten Karsten

Karsten’s first edict is that all music used by PCW wrestlers must be non-offensive. Then Obama calls for the first match of the night.

Charlie Blackwell vs. Dean Barnes of the Bookworms Barnes and Noble

Charlie Blackwell- HT: 6′ 4″ WT: 215, HOME: New Braunfels, TX/FIN: Tazzmission (Katahajime)

Blackwell walks out to ‘You Light Up My Life’ by Debby Boone; Barnes to Bob Carlisle’s ‘Butterfly Kisses.’

You’ve got to be kidding me- Johnny Suave

Both wrestlers look up at the loudspeakers and appear annoyed as they climb into the ring.

During the match, Barnes’s tag team partner Kevin Noble grabbed Blackwell and held onto his leg. Blackwell dragged Noble into the middle of the ring and narrowed escaped getting blasted by an oversized picture book of War and Peace. Blackwell hit a DDT on Barnes and pinned him for the win.

WINNER: Charlie Blackwell

Blackwell asked for his regular music and “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Miz comes on. Blackwell is immediately confronted by ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor- one half of the PCW Tag Team champions Big Union.

Both Taylor and Blackwell have had major disagreements in the past about who truly represents the ordinary man in PCW- Johnny Suave

Blackwell and Taylor have a staredown. Blackwell tells Taylor he has only one question to ask him- was he paid during PCW’s shut down? Taylor smiles and walks away.

PCW Champion Triple R walks out and as usual, he’s in a pissed off, road rage kind of mood. Triple R says that he should be recognized as the best ever PCW Champion but he’s not because of the fans.

Suddenly, the lights turned off and a small spotlight illuminated the ramp. A man dressed in a suit and bow-tie walked in. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in an announcer-type voice.

“I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important…”

Triple R glared at the announcer on the ramp.

“Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the Sunshine God…RAAAAAAAAH!”

Ten bikini-clad, and tanned, females entered the room with two men carrying a golden sedan chair holding a man dressed in long flowing robes. Rah’s minions Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy, children’s show host Happy Mango, and former Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell followed him in. The procession made its way down the ramp and into the ring. Rah climbed out of his golden sedan chair and stood surrounded by his bikini girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, McDonnell, Nye, and Happy Mango. He gave a signal and his entourage dropped to their knees and bowed to Rah.

And the crowd gave Rah a standing ovation- further pissing off Triple R.

“What the ****!” Triple R snaps. He calls Rah a sideshow distraction who need to get him and his reprobate followers the hell out of his ring.

Rah responds that he brings optimism and sunshine to an otherwise depressing time. Rah invites Triple R to join his group and ‘see the light.’

Triple R tells Rah to **** off. The PCW champion adds that he’s already with the group that matters- the Democrats. “We run PCW!” he crows. “Welcome to Triple R’s PCW!”

At that point, Democrats ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism, ‘The Self-Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor, and Paddy O’Kennedy hit the ring, causing Rah’s entourage to scatter, and attack the Sunshine God. The six foot eight Rah tries to fight off the attack but the numbers game wins out.

“Well, isn’t that just great. Democrats claim they’re for working Americans- but they’re not.- Johnny Suave

Backstage- Republican’s Dressing RoomBig Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and P.M.C. Banks watch the attack on the video screen. Banks, who wrestled Triple R for the PCW title at Extreme Election Night 2012 back in November, asks Walstreit if they should go out and help Rah.

Unfortunately, Walstreit is on the phone with his Wall Street Market Analyst and is too busy to lend a hand. And Big Oil? Too busy counting all the cash from $3.75 per gallon prices at the pumps.

“And Republicans say they’re for Main Street America- but they’re not.- Johnny Suave

Back in the ring, the assault continues and now it’s spread to the crowd? A distrubance breaks out in one section of the DC Armory.

“HOLY CRAP! IT’S RIOT!…no wait…check that…-Johnny Suave

“Oh. Never mind.”

Backstage- PCW TV Champion William Daniels Bryan and Charlie Blackwell
Blackwell tells Bryan that he thinks Republican and Democratic wrestlers were paid during the PCW hiatus while the rest were not. Bryan is not pleased.

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play.

“HOLY CRAP! IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?”- Johnny Suave

The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man sporting a Singapore cane in one hand and a cup of mocha in the other.

“IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK! HE’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON…”- Johnny Suave


The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore


The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.

The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring. He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore tells the crowd to forget all the happy, sunshine talk from Rah earlier in the night. The world is going to hell in a handbasket and everyone should go out and buy his new book to see why…


Gore says the world sucks but it could be worse. Then one of his aides come up pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash and parks it next to him. “It could be a lot worse,” Gore adds.

Special AnnouncementDan Hill’s ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ plays over the loudspeaker much to everyone’s bemusement as the Axis of Evil makes their way to the ring.

Axis of Evil
Leaders:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- President of Iran
Kim Jong-Un- dictator of North Korea
Hugo Chavez- dictator of Venezuela
‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid-El- HT: 6′ 7″ WT: 335, HOME: Tehran, Iran
FIN: Choke Slam
VALET: Fatima
Byung Foo Qu- HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 195, HOME: Pyongyang, North Korea
FIN:
VALET: Soon Ye
Fernando Venezuela- HT: 6′ 9″ WT: 355, HOME: Caracas, Venezuela
FIN: Venezuelian Vice Grip

First, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran leads ‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid-El to the ring.

Then, the music changes- ‘One Tin Soldier’…

yes, THAT song…by Caste. Next out, North Korea’s Kim Song-Un brings out his wrestler, Byung Foo Qu.

Finally…

…even the Axis of Evil cringe in the ring when the song’ comes on. Fernando Venezuela, holding up a placard with the picture of the late Hugo Chavez on it, somberly walks to the ring.

The crowd starts to boo and that upsets the Axis of Evil. Kim Jong-Un starts to circle the ring and threatens to nuke everyone in the building. In fact, he’s pretty upset about the treatment Venezuela’s getting.

Then…

“Hey guys. Kim Jong-Un is actually a cool guy. He likes basketball. PCW CEO Barack Obama likes basketball, too! It’s a start!- Dennis Rodman

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman makes his first return to wrestling since the NWO days in WCW. Rodman holds up several pieces of paper.

“See? We’re best buds. BFF. Pen-pals- Rodman

The camera then cut back to Suave.

“Can we put the least intimidating wrestler music back on…please?- Suave

Special Announcement- Take TwoPCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) makes a special announcement. Yes, PCW is back in business. No, things aren’t back to normal.

“PCW has undergone Sequestration and until the Republicans in the PCW Competition Committee come to the table with a plan,deep budget cuts have to be made. This will hurt those who can’t afford these cuts the most.”- Barack Obama

This brings out PCW Television champion William Daniels Bryan.

“Funny, the lower card wrestlers have already suffered through Sequestration seeing as none of them have been paid since December. Maybe you should ask your wrestlers to do the same.”- Bryan

Paddy O’Kennedy walks out and challenges Bryan for challenging the PCW CEO and we’ve got a match.

Main Event: PCW Television Title Match
William Daniels Bryan (c) vs. Paddy O’Kennedy (D)


William Daniels Bryan- HT: 5’10″ WT: 180, HOME: Platte, Nebraska FIN: Cattle Mutilation/Crane Kick

Bryan drags O’Kennedy back into the ring. He goes up top but ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor of Big Union runs down and blasts Bryan with a chair. Now it’s O’Kennedy going up top, but now it’s Charlie Blackwell down to the ring. Chairshot to Taylor. Chairshot to O’Kennedy. Blackwell rolls Bryan on top of O’Kennedy…one…two…three.

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan (I)

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