Concerto for Trumpet, no. 2 by Johann Melchior Molter (1696-1765) plays as an introduction…
Stuffy Announcer Type: And now, it’s time for Political
Championship Wrestling on P-SPAN. Tonight’s program comes to you live tonight
from the Bender Arena on the campus of American University.
‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave recaps Monday night’s PCW Extreme Political TV.
-The American Heartland Coalition (Charlie
Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic) take exception to ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, Rece Davis, Jesse Palmer, and David Pollock ripping the selection of
Northern Illinois to a BCS Bowl
…along with the city of DeKalb, Illinois- home of the aforementioned
Corporate Might’s Big
Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) support the ESPN cabal and the two teams meet in
the main event later in the show with the American Heartland Coalition coming
out on top.
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit
Judge Smails from Caddyshack…oh…I
mean…ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit
American Heartland Coalition: Charlie
Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila
This time, it’s Corporate Might that comes out on top with some help
“SEC Guy” Tom Tebow-
Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No
One Ever Knew Existed
…along with Herbstreit, Davis, Pollock, and Palmer. Herbstreit gets on the
mic after the match and repeats his mantra that…
“Some college football teams simply don’t belong.”
Kirk Walstreit then espouses the collective strength of large
corporations…including ESPN- which used to be a 24 sports channel before it
become a multi-national conglomerate.
A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS PUBLIC SERVICE
The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to
The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man with a Singapore cane and a cup of mocha appears.
Suave: “IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE! HE’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA
CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE
The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al
The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds
up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of
course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and
then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.
The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main
floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha,
guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his
forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring. He climbs
up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down,
spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.
Gore criticizes PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) for not doing enough on Global
Warming. That brings…
*flute and clarinet flourish*
Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then
dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop
rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how
they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands and lets out a loud ovation as
PCW CEO Barack Obama appears.
Obama tells Gore he’s got a lot on his plate right now with the looming PCW
Financial Cliff staring him in the face.
Obama does report that the negotiations with the Republicans do seem to be
inching ever so slowly forward. The PCW CEO also announces that he’s going to
show a video that illustrates just how crucial it is that both sides come to an
agreement and keep PCW from barreling over the Financial Cliff of Doom.
Democrat GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy (D) def. The
Bookworms: Barnes and Noble
After the match, the GOTV herald a video of CEO Obama and a couple of lower
card wrestlers talking about the PCW financial situation and why higher taxes
would hurt them.
However, Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan…
…switched the video and a vignette came on explaining ‘How PCW can learn from
the majority of ordinary Americans somehow live within their means, don’t spend
what they don’t have, and don’t have the ability to print money to help pay
ANOTHER SPECIAL CHRISTMAS PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Johnny Suave: “If you’re traveling over the holidays, be
Classic PCW Match from March of 2009
[[NEWT TRON BOMB and
INCENDIARY BOMB (McCain’s Marauders) vs.
THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)
The Martinis imbibe in
their usual pre-match ritual. Both guzzle down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then
break the bottle over their heads. Nantz: “Hmm. You don’t see that very often.”
The bell rings. I-Bomb and Don Martini to start. I-Bomb full out charges at Don.
Don stumbles to the left and I-Bomb eats the corner turnbuckle. Don with a wild
left hand that misses by two miles. I-Bomb goes for a Suplex. Don falls through
and accidently knees I-Bomb in the groin. Don staggers up but his head nails
I-Bomb in the groin again. Nantz: “My notes state that the
Martinis are PCW Legends, two time PCW Tag Team champions. I can see why with
the trouble they’re giving the Bomb Brothers.” I-Bomb unleashes a right hand
that sends Don into the ropes. Don shoots back out and trips- his head again
connects with I-Bomb’s groin. Nantz: “Apparently, we have
breaking news right outside. Let’s check it out and we’ll come right back to
this exciting match.”
OL’ MAN HANSON’S YARDBilly Packer grumbles as he goes to
his car. Ol’ Man Hanson comes up toting his trusty BB gun. Ol’ Man
Hanson: “HEY! I thought I told you whippersnappers not to park in my
garden.” Packer’s car is an inch into the garden. Packer: “It’s
not in your garden. Look.” Packer bends over to point to where the garden
starts. *BLAM!* Packer: “AAARRGHHHH! YOU SHOT ME IN THE ASS!”
Hanson: “You’re going to get another one if you don’t get your
ass out of here right away.” Whimpering, Packer gets into his car and makes
haste away from Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn.
Back to the match…
Nantz: “Oooh. Ow. It
appears that guy shot Billy Packer in his posterior. That…um…well, folks, that
can’t feel good. Back to the action now.” N-Bomb in and tries to lock up with
Dan Martini. Dan belches in his face and breaks the hold. Dan staggers back to
the ropes. N-Bomb tries to lariat him over the top but Dan collapses and it’s
N-Bomb who goes over the top rope. I-Bomb goes over to check on him. N-Bomb gets
up and…I-Bomb suddenly clutches his throat and falls unconscious.
Nantz: “I believe N-Bomb just accidently tooted- which is
actually his finisher the ‘Silent But Deadly.’ And…wow! They aren’t kidding
either.” Dan Martini on the top rope. He attempts a splash on N-Bomb. He misses
badly. N-Bomb back in the ring with a steel-folding chair. He swings wildly and
whiffs on Don when the Martini falls down. Don quickly gets back up and his head
bonks the chair right into N-Bomb’s face. N-Bomb down. Don passes out on top of
the chair on top of N-Bomb. 1…2…3.
WINNER: THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI
Corporate CelebrationCorporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk
Walstreit (R), the ESPN Cabal of Kirk Herbstreit, Rece Davis, David Pollock, and
Jesse Palmer celebrate putting the interlopers and unwashed (ie…the Northern
Illinois supporters) in their place earlier in the show.
They sip from their wine glasses with their pinky extended in the air in a
most proper fashion…that is until they realize that something is extraordinarily
Once again, Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan strikes and the
corporate cabal finds themselves scrambling towards the men’s room.
Suave: “Well played, sir. Well played.”
Suave then talks about the upcoming PCW End of the World II Show coming up on
December 21st. He then recaps the ongoing KRC- C. J. Lewis battle for the top
spot in the Democratic Women’s group.
From Monday night:
KRC: “First off,
you had your shot at the title last month, C.J. You lost. You were
inexperienced. You were not ready. And now, it’s time for you to step back for
me. This is my spot. This should be my opportunity. I have seniority. You
need to stand down.”
Lewis: “I think you need to back off, lady. I’ve worked
hard for this chance. The reason I lost is because Code Pink
and Emily S List interfered in my match…”
Match #3- Main Event
4 Time Women’s Champion Kathryn
Randall Collins (D)
C.J. Lewis (D)
KRC calls for some help and Code Pink and List give her a hand as she defeats
Lewis and will now meet PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R) at PCW End of the