‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
Suave again reviews the results up to date:
Match 1- Jeff Flake (R-AZ) def. Rich Carmona (D-AZ) with an assist from ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain and Jon Kyl.
Match 2- Chris Murphy (D-CT) def. Linda McMahon (R-CT) after the referee ejected McMahon’s husband, WWE Magnate Vince McMahon and her family from ringside.
Match 3- Jill Berg (R) retained the PCW Women’s title over C.J. Lewis (D) when Code Pink and Emily S List’s interference backfired thanks to a hand from Melissa Joan Hart.
Match 4- Jon Tester (D-MT) def. Denny Rehberg (R-MT)
Match 5- Sherrod Brown (D-OH) def. Josh Mandel (R-OH)
Match 6- Claire McCaskill (D-MO) def. Todd Akin (R-MO)
Match 7- Tim Kaine (D-VA) def. George Allen (R-VA)
Match 8- Elizabeth Warren (R-MA) def. Scott Brown (R-MA)
Match 9- Big Union: “The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) def. Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) to win the PCW Tag Team Title.
BACKSTAGE- OUTSIDE PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON’S OFFICENo movement yet. Security continues to stand guard outside the door.
HALLWAYKarl Rove (R) keeps trying to keep everyone calm.
Back to the ring.
Suave- And now, it all comes down to this. The PCW Title match. Let’s go to the ring.
MAIN EVENT- PCW Title Match:
Triple R (D) © vs. P.M.C. Banks (R)
Finally, the big one- the PCW Title match. After several years of trying, after switching parties multiple times and trying new personas, Triple R finally won the title from The Sanderman (D) at the Democratic National Convention.
Now, the veteran Angry Highway Warrior also known as Road Range Randy gets boy banker P.M.C. Banks (R) as his first major challenge as PCW Champion. In a match that always serves as a bellwether to who will be selected the next PCW CEO, Banks finds himself the underdog to Triple R. in this Tuesday’s title encounter.
Can the young Banks close out Triple R’s title run at a scant two months? Will Triple R take it to the political extreme and retain his PCW Title belt? We’re about to find out.
Marshall- This next match is for the PCW Title. Coming to the ring, the challenger from the financial district of Manhattan, Republican P.M.C. Banks!
P.M.C. Banks (R)
Banks slowly comes to the ring accompanied by ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA), aide de camp candidate Paul Ryan (R-WI), PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH), Boehner’s aide Eric Cantor (R-VA), and Mitch ‘It’s Your Constitiutional Right to Spend as Much Money as You Want to Buy Influence in Our Government’ McConnell (R-KY).
Banks warily climbs into the ring.
Marshall- And his opponent, he is the ‘Angry Highway Warrior. He is Road Rage Randy. But you can call him the P-C-W Champion! Triple R!
PCW Champion Triple R (D)
Triple R comes to the ring with PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL), Obama’s aide de camp Joe ‘Don’t Call Me Neil Kinnock’ Biden (D-DE), PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry ‘Don’t Call Me Emperor Palpatine’ Reid (D-NV), and Nancy Pelosi.
Triple R goes to the center of the ring and offers his hand to Banks. Banks cautiously reciprocates but Triple R pulls it away at the last second and knifehand chops the challenger. The bell rings and it’s on.
Banks runs out and Triple R takes him down with a knee. The champion goes for an arm grapevine submission but Banks gets back to his feet. Triple R slaps Banks and taunts him. Triple R picks up Banks and front slams him to the mat. He hooks the leg for an early cover but Banks kicks out. Banks gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Triple R comes over and smashes Banks’s head into it and then brings Banks back out and hits jumping neck snap. Triple R goes top rope but Banks recovers and pulls him down hard to the mat. Banks drops Triple R neck first over the ropes and then sends him to ringside. Banks does a cartwheel and kicks Triple R in the face. Kneeling headbutt to Triple R’s groin.
Suave- And they’re outside. Not sure this is a good idea for Banks.
Banks starts to head back into the ring but again, the Democrats GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy (D) come down and interject themselves into the match. Bain pulls Banks back through the ropes and then wings him hard into the guardrail. O’Kennedy leaps from the ring apron and dropkicks Banks into the guardrail. Triple R grabs a TV cable and starts choking out Banks with it. Romney climbs up on the apron to complain but…
Candy Crowley of CNN
Suave- WHAT THE HELL? CROWLEY’S STOPPING ROMNEY FROM ARGUING WITH THE REFEREE?
While that’s going on, Triple R starts bashing Banks with crap and then lays him over the rail before dropping a leg. O’Kennedy sets up a table and Triple R can drive Bank’s head through it.
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
Banks is bleeding all over the place. O’Kennedy dropkicks a chair into Banks’ face for good measure. Banks falls back on his arm awkwardly and appears to have injured it. Triple R wastes no time and goes after the injured arm with chairshots. Triple R with the DDT. The GOTV set up a table. Triple R sets Banks up but O’Kennedy miscues and accidently superkicks Triple R.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! He just took Triple R’s head off.
But O’Kennedy moonsaults Banks. New PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker run down and set Banks up on the table. O’Kennedy with another moonsault but the table doesn’t break. Big Labor throws Banks back into the ring. Triple R covers but only gets two. Big Labor immediately hits the Scabbuster and Triple R covers…1…2…NO! ORCA? ORCA MADE THE SAVE?
Suave- Well, it’s bloody about time he did something.
It’s shortlived. Both the GOTV and Big Union attack ORCA and drive him from the ring. Triple R sets up the table in the corner and whips Banks through it. Cover…1…2…Banks kicks out. Triple R stomps Banks. Double arm DDT by the champion and another cover..1…2..somehow Banks kicks out again. Banks then low bridges Triple R and rallies. He rains down right hands on the champion. Banks for the Moneybomb and hits it…but MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, and Ed Schultz race to the ring and complain to the referee. That brings down Fox News’s contingent of Sean Hannity, Dennis Miller, and Megyn Kelly and while Banks has Triple R pinned, MSNBC, joined by ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox News argue with the referee.
Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver sneaks into the ring and whaps Banks in the head with a large book of spreadsheets and Triple R manages to regain control of the match. Triple R with a forearm. And another. Banks ducks a third so Triple R hits a sit down powerbomb! Pissed off, Triple R leaves the ring and goes and gets the ring bell. The referee tries to take it away from him.
Suave- TRIPLE R WITH THE RING BELL! HE DID THE EXACT SAME THING FIVE YEARS AGO AT LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3!
Replay: PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A FREAKIN’ RUMBLE!” Somewhere away from the crowd, Starz’s lariat attempt is blocked when Triple R rips the bell away from the referee and slams it in Starz’s face. Suave: “GAME OVER! ONE, TWO, THREE! THAT’S IT! TRIPLE R HAS REGAINED THE PCW TITLE.!”
Triple R in the ring with the bell. Romney and Ryan both on the apron to complain to the referee and…what?
Suave- What is SHE doing down here?
Triple R blasts Banks with the bell. Raddatz shouts at the referee and points to the ring. The referee turns and Triple R has Banks pinned…1…2…3.
WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: Triple R (D)
The Democrats in the crowd are ecstatic. The Republicans? Stunned.
BACKSTAGE- OUTSIDE PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON’S OFFICE
The door opens and out walks PCW Owner Bubba Jackson.
Bubba Jackson on far left.
Suave- IT’S TIME! BUBBA JACKSON IS ON HIS WAY TO THE RING!
Obama, Triple R, and the Democrats celebrate in the ring.
Suave- AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO FIND OUT IF BARACK OBAMA GETS FOUR MORE YEARS AT THE HELM OF PCW OR WHETHER MITT ROMNEY WILL TAKE HIS PLACE!
Silver takes the microphone from Suave.
Silver- I ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL. THESE SPREADSHEETS PROVE THAT OBAMA WILL BE NAMED THE PCW CEO AGAIN. I TOLD YOU…I TOLD YOU ALL…I TOLD-
CUE: Def Leppard’s Tear It Down)
‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long
Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!
Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races to the ring. He grabs Silver by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.
Suave- Thank you. And now, it’s time…
PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON ANNOUNCES THE NEW PCW CEOJackson thanks everyone for coming out.
Jackson- We’ve been through a lot over the past four years. The deficit is way too high and PCW is not on the soundest economic ground right now.
David Axelrod says the conditions were bad when Obama started his term in 2009.
Jackson- No. George W. Bush hasn’t been the PCW CEO for the past four years. This was a tough call but I have come to a decision. The PCW mid and lower card wrestlers are struggling hard right now. Mitt Romney. You ran a good campaign but in the end- what solutions to our problems did you propose differed than the ones Republicans have proposed in the past? Cut taxes? These times call for breaking out of the same old ideas.
Jackson motions to Democrats Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Republicans John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to step forward.
Jackson- You along with the current, and next, PCW CEO Barack Obama helped make this mess. You need to fix it. It’s Obama.
PCW CEO: Barack Obama (D-IL)
The Democrats erupt as Obama wins a second term as PCW CEO. Obama and Romney shake hands in the ring as the scene dissolves to the Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa.
Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Rubio exits a plane and climbs into a waiting limo.