Friday, November 16, 2012

Obama Defeats Romney: PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 Replay

PCW Extreme Election Night 2012
Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon
Wauseon, OH
Tuesday November 6th, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave



Johnny Suave and his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain


Loud crowd chant of ‘PCW…PCW…PCW.’ Suave and Shania are in the ring.

Suave- HELLO AND WELCOME TO P-C-W EX-TREEEEEME ELECTION NIGHT 2012!

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Suave- I am Johnny Suave, the Voice of PCW. This smoking hot piece of cardboard is Shania Twain. Tonight, Barack Obama (D-IL) find out if he will have a second four term as PCW CEO. Opposing him, ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA).

Suave runs down the card one last time:

Arizona- Jeff Flake (R) vs. Rich Carmona (D)
Montana- Denny Rehberg (R) vs. Jon Tester (D)
Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) vs. Josh Mandel (R)
Virginia- George Allen (R) vs. Tim Kaine (D)
Massachusetts- Scott Brown (R) vs. Elizabeth Warren (D)
Connecticut: Linda McMahon (R) versus Chris Murphy (D)
Missouri: Claire McCaskill (D) vs. Todd Akin (R)

PCW Tag Team Title Match:
Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) © vs. Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

PCW Women’s Title Match:Jill Berg (R) © vs. C.J. Lewis (D)

PCW Title Match:Triple R (D) © vs. P.M.C. Banks (R)

Suave- Last night on PCW Extreme Political TV, this went down…

“No Frills’ Chris Escondido Addresses the IndependentsEscondido says that both the Republicans and Democrats have disrespected independents for years even though they are the ones the power- the ones who swing elections. He notes that there’s a disagreement between the Dawn McGill-William Daniels Bryan factions and tonight is going to settle all issues. Tomorrow night is PCW Extreme Election Night and Independents will be there in force.

Bryan vs. McGill for the Heartland Title
Bryan again used his wrestling skills to get McGill grounded yet again. McGill kicked at him but Bryan first locked in a figure four and then the LaBell Lock. This time McGill found herself in the middle of the ring and out of arm’s reach of the ropes. This time, McGill had no choice but to tap out.

WINNER AND NEW HEARTLAND TITLE CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan @ 8:15


‘Platte Populist’ William Daniels Bryan

McGill handed the belt to Bryan and then raised his arm in the air. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido then joined them along with the rest of the PCW Independents.

Suave- So the Platte Populist William Daniels Bryan is the new Heartland Champion and it appears “No Frills” Chris Escondido is the de facto leader of the Independents. Will the Independents swing the results here tonight?

Voice- NO!

Out runs Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver (D) holding a huge binder of paper.

Nate Silver- This is proof that Barack Obama will be re-elected PCW CEO! The Independents don’t mean anything. This does. It’s all about science and numbers- something the Republicans don’t understand. Mark my words. When tonight’s show is done- Barack Obama will be the next PCW CEO.

Then David Axelrod (D) saunters out.

David Axelrod- I’ll go one step further. If Obama loses tonight, I’ll shave my mustache off.

Suave- There you have it. Axelrod has put his mustache up as a guarantee that Barack Obama will win tonight.

PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 is brought to you by:



The year is 2017. In a world where harsh divisions and economic strife have pulled the United States apart, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting the, now, free city of Washington D.C. and the American Reconciliation Summit- an attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again.

But when a multi-national mega-corporation with another agenda in mind attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey and Kate face their biggest challenge to date. With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit? Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.

Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.

Amazon.com
Amazon Kindle
Barnes and Noble
Books a Million

Suave- Let’s head to the ring for our first match of the night.

Match 1: Jeff Flake (R-AZ) vs. Rich Carmona (D-AZ)
Arizonians Flake and Carmona are both first time participants in PCW and vying for retiring Jon Kyl‘s (R-AZ) spot on the PCW Competition Committee.

The big issue over the upcoming match? Carmona tried to imply that ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain (R-AZ) and Kyl endorsed him instead of Flake.

Suffice to say, neither McCain nor Kyl were amused and set out to make clear that they were and will be in Flake’s corner.



Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall

Marshall does the introductions and indeed, both the Straight Shooter John McCain and Jon Kyl are in Flake’s corner. The bell rings and the match is underway.

Flake and Carmona hook up in the middle of the ring. Flake shoves Carmona down and sets up for an Elbow Drop… BOOM.. Then another Elbow Drop… BOOM. Carmona comes back with a back breaker on Flake and then tries an early elbow submission. Flake escapes and gets dropped by a slingshot elbow. Carmona applies the camel clutch but Flake escapes to the floor. Flake catches Carmona climbing out of the ring with a low blow. Carmona goes down. Flake grabs Carmona’s shoulders, turns him around, and boots him in the ass. Flake follows with an open hand chop.

Flake rolls Carmona back into the ring and continues to work him over, but Carmona regains control by whipping Flake into the corner. Carmona retrieves Flake and applies an overhead wrist lock but Flake muscles Carmona to the corner to break the hold. Carmona heads up top. Flake tries to knock him off the turnbuckle, but Carmona takes the arm and slaps on the cross arm breaker while hanging over the top rope.

Carmona releases the hold and slides back into the ring. He whips Flake to the corner and charges in. Flake floats over into a roll-up pin and gets a two count. Both men get back to their feet, but Carmona regains control and repeatedly punches Flake’s arm. Carmona tries for another over-the-top-rope cross arm breaker but Flake blocks. Carmona goes for a back breaker / neck breaker combo, but Flake counters with a drop kick. Flake tries another drop kick but Carmona catches Flake’s leg and drops to his knees to hyperextend the knee. Carmona wrenches the injured leg around the second rope. Flake tries to get away, but Carmona grabs the injured leg and pulls him down to the mat. Carmona locks in a single leg Boston crab on the injured leg right in the middle of the ring.

Flake tries to crawl toward the ropes, but Carmona pulls him back to the middle of the ring. Out of nowhere, Jon Kyl jumps into the ring and kicks Carmona. Then John McCain comes in and…LOW BLOWS CARMONA! Carmona drops to his knees. Flake hits a basement dropkick and covers…1…2…3.

WINNER: Jeff Flake (R-AZ)

Suave- John McCain and Jon Kyl come through for Jeff Flake and he wins here at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012! More PCW Extreme Election Night coverage on the way.

Outside PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s OfficeTwo guards stand outside.

Suave- Four years ago, Bubba Jackson announced to the political wrestling world that Barack Obama would follow George W. Bush as the next PCW CEO. Tonight, will he keep Obama on for another four years? Or will he choose Mitt Romney? Stay tuned. Let’s go back to the ring.

Match #4 Linda McMahon (R-CT) vs. Chris Murphy (D-CT)

Two years ago, Linda McMahon (R-CT), wife of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon took on Dick Blumenthal (D-CT) at PCW Extreme Election Night 2010 for a spot on the PCW Executive Committee. Despite McMahon’s wrestling pedigree, she would come up short in the political wrestling arena when her son-in-law, world famous pro wrestler Paul Levesque(Triple H in WWE) accidently clocked her with a sledgehammer.

Now, McMahon is back and this time Vince McMahon himself will be on hand to finish the job his son-in-law couldn’t two years ago, get Linda McMahon on the PCW Executive Committee.

In her way, Democrat Chris Murphy. Can he overcome the forces of pro wrestling’s most dominant personality- Vince McMahon? Or will the McMahon family roll past Murphy?

Vince McMahon, Paul Levesque, and Stephanie McMahon-Levesque join Linda McMahon at ringside. Vince immediately starts talking to the referee as the match begins. Linda tries to connect with a knee but Murphy moves back. McMahon knifehand chops Murphy. Murphy throws McMahon off the ropes and hits a diving shoulder block. Murphy goes to follow up but Vince McMahon trips him up.

Suave- Are here we go. I still can’t believe that the chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon, is here in PCW.

Murphy moves back to his feet and glares at McMahon. Murphy goes for a body slam but McMahon slips out. Murphy puts McMahon in the hangman submission. Vince in the ring and pulls Murphy off. Vince clocks Murphy with a closed fist and the referee literally has to pull him off. Vince is sent out of the ring but he stays on the apron and continues a running dialogue with the referee.

Suave- I think he’s saying that’s not how they do things in the WWE.

McMahon hits Murphy with a elbow smash to the face. McMahon knees Murphy and lifts him for a powerslam- but she’s not strong enough to lift Murphy. McMahon goes for a hiptoss but is unable to lift Murphy. McMahon bites Murphy’s arm. Vince throws a chair in the ring. McMahon opens up the chair…Murphy into the ropes…drop Toe Hold onto the open chair! McMahon stands up. McMahon with an armdrag. Murphy powers up and then they lockup. Murphy whips McMahon to the corner of the ring. Meanwhile, Vince McMahon continues a running commentary to the referee who appears to be getting tired of it.

McMahon jabs Murphy. Murphy comes back with a swinging DDT and covers. 1…2…Vince in and makes the save. Vince with the chair. *WHAP* Murphy’s down. Linda’s not in a position to make the cover. And the referee stops the match.

Suave- WHAT IS HE DOING? HE’S SENDING THE McMAHON FAMILY TO THE BACK!

The crowd roars and Vince is livid. Levesque in the ring and he lets the referee have it. Finally, PCW security intervenes and escorts the McMahons to the back.

Suave- Wow, I’ve never seen anything like that before.

Murphy clotheslines Linda McMahon. He then goes with a double underhook and piledrives her right into the mat. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Chris Murphy (D)

Suave- Chris Murphy with the win here and…WATCH OUT!

Vince McMahon is back and he decks the referee. PCW security again swarm to the ring and McMahon is escorted out of the arena.

PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein…


Woodward Bernstein

…interviews world famous swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen.


Chrissy Teigen

Teigen tells Bernstein that she’s glad to be at PCW Extreme Election Night to lend her support to Barack Obama.

This causes some of the more rabid Republicans in the crowd to start booing. Teigen smiles through it and continues the interview with Bernstein.

The nastiness continues and finally, Kathryn Randall Collins (D), Code Pink (D), and Emily S List (D) come out.

Code Pink- This is proof that the Republicans are waging a war against women!

The Democrats cheer while the Republicans boo.

Then actress Melissa Joan Hart walks out.



English: Melissa Joan Hart at the film premier...
English: Melissa Joan Hart at the film premiere of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows in Alice Tully Center, New York City in November 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)



She tells the crowd that she supports Mitt Romney and that sometimes you have to agree to disagree.

Now it’s the Republicans who cheer while the Democrats are silent. Code Pink and List look at each other. Then they attack Hart.

Suave- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

PCW Champion Jill Berg (R) runs in and runs off both Code Pink and Emily S List.

Match #3 PCW Women’s Title Match:
Jill Berg (R) © vs. C.J. Lewis (D)


The phenomenon known as Jill Berg comes into PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 as a successful businesswoman and one woman force of political destruction. She faces young C.J. Lewis. Lewis, a former waitress at Hooters, charged up to the top of the Democratic ranks by defeating long time standard bearer Kathryn Randall Collins to gain a shot at the PCW Women’s title against Berg.

Democrats want this match badly to continue their ‘Republican‘s War Against Women’ mantra. Can Lewis overcome her lack of experience and pull off an upset win over Berg?


C.J. Lewis (D)


Lewis in the ring, ready to go.

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The crowd roars.

Suave: “THAT’ SOUND! IT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE PERSON!”

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.

Policeman – Ms. Berg. It’s time.

The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman, her male assistant, Jerry.


PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R)

Suave: “IT’S PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION- JILL BERG!”

The crowd chants “JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…

The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.

JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…

Berg hits the ring, warmed up and ready to go after the earlier altercation.

The bell rings and Berg wastes no time going on the attack. Reverse neckbreaker to Lewis followed by a rolling elbow smash. Lewis gets hit with a diving elbow smash and the women’s champion is on fire. At ringside, Code Pink and Emily S List watch as Berg spinkicks Lewis. C.J. pokes Berg in the eyes to relieve the pressure. C.J. with a neck scissors but Berg mule kicks her and sends her sprawling. Berg rolls onto Lewis connecting with a knee. Code Pink and List interfere and hit a doubleteam gutbuster on the women’s champion. C.J. Lewis gets back to her feet and stares down Code Pink and List. Berg pops back up and throws her into the turnbuckle. Berg follows up and smashes Lewis’s head into the corner turnbuckle.

Double axhandle chop from Berg. Running neckbreaker drop takes C.J. down hard. Berg locks Lewis in the kneebar but she escapes. Berg then tosses Lewis out of the ring. Berg rams Lewis into the corner turnbuckle and the challenger gets a cut as a result. Berg goes for a belly-to-back superplex but Lewis slips out. Berg instead hits the jumping sidekick on Lewis.

Suave- So far, Jill Berg’s experience is way too much for the youngster C.J. Lewis.

Back in the ring, Lewis gets hit with a diving elbow smash. Berg moves in for the kill but Lewis bites her arm out of desparation. C.J. whips Berg off the ropes and hits a diving shoulder block. Lewis with a headbutt and then a short lariat takes the women’s champion down.

Berg spins and hits Lewis with a back fist. C.J. whipped hard off the ropes into a clothesline. Diving elbow smash follows. Berg grabs C.J.’s head and slams her face into the turnbuckle. She goes to do it again but this time, Lewis blocks and then drives Berg’s head into the turnbuckle. Belly-to-belly superplex by Lewis.

Suave- Now the challenger coming back!

Bridging back suplex by Lewis. She covers…1…2…shoulder up. Lewis chants start. Lewis with the body slam. Cover…1…2…shoulder up again. Berg rakes her fingers across C.J.’s back. Code Pink and Emily S List again attack. Doubleteam backbreak to the champion. Code Pink is going for the Glitter Bomb but wait?

Melissa Joan Hart in the ring with a steel chair. *WHAP* Down goes Code Pink. *WHAP* Down goes List. Lewis distracted. Berg back up and chops Lewis. Berg takes a step back…SPEAR! She takes a step back…SPINNING HEEL KICK! Berg lifts Lewis over her shoulder…JACKHAMMER SLAM! Cover. Referee counts. …1 …2 …3!

WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Jill Berg (R)

Suave- UNBELIEVABLE! CODE PINK AND EMILY S LIST ARE GOING TO BE PISSED WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY’VE COST C.J. LEWIS THE MATCH! HELL, LEWIS IS GOING TO BE PISSED!

Lewis stands up and glares at both Code Pink and List after the match.

MATCH #4 Denny Rehberg (R-MT) vs. Jon Tester (D-MT)

Rehberg and Tester will meet in what has been a hotly competitive run up to their Extreme Election Night match.

Tester is the incumbent member of the PCW Executive Committee while Rehberg currently holds a spot on PCW’s Competition Committee. This is expected to be a knock down, drag out affair with both men seemingly equally matched.

The difference maker in the match could be a third man- Libertarian Dan Cox. Will Cox be a spoiler and help Tester pull out the win?

Tester starts by bouncing Reiberg off the ropes and clotheslining him. Tester puts Reiberg in an arm grapevine submission but Reiberg pokes Tester in the eyes to escape. Reiberg gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Tester comes over and rams Reiberg’s head into the corner turnbuckle. Tester goes for a DDT. But Reiberg stands up and hits Tester with the belly-to-belly suplex. Reiberg measures Tester up and drops a closed fist. Then Reiberg whips him out of the ring.

Tester climbs back up onto the ring apron, but Reiberg kicks him back down to the arena floor. Reiberg follows Tester to the outside. Tester whips Reiberg into the ring steps. Reiberg gets back to his feet, but Tester attacks again and rolls Reiberg back into the ring.

Dan Cox (L) now walking to the ring.

Tester locks in a rear chin lock in the middle of the ring. Boot the face by Tester and a cover for a two count. Tester works over Reiberg. Cox comes out and tries to stun gun Reiberg. Reiberg reverse and slings Cox out of the ring. Tester bails out too and REIBERG DIVES OUT ON BOTH OF THEM!

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Cox tries to run Reiberg into the post. Reiberg reverses. He whips Cox into the ring post. Cox stops in his tracks but Reiberg dropkicks him from behind, sending him hard into the steel!

Crowd- PCW! PCW! PCW!

Back in the ring, Tester hits a few suplexes. Reiberg spins out of a tilt a whirl attempt by Tester and dropkicks him. Tester with a lariat and goes to Irish whip him into the ropes but Reiberg headbutts him and gets free. He goes for the splash off the top but Tester moves to safety. Reiberg surprises Tester with a low blow and rolls-up Tester- he kicks out. Tester pops up ready to go but Reiberg hits him with the DDT! TESTER KICKS OUT AGAIN! Cox comes in to go after Reiberg but HITS TESTER BY ACCIDENT! REIBERG PINS BUT TESTER KICKS OUT AGAIN.

Reiberg brawls with Cox to the outside. By the time he returns to the ring, Tester’s had way too much time to recover. Tester in control and throws Reiberg into the railing. Tester suplexes the actual railing back onto Reiberg.

Crowd- HOLY ****! HOLY ****!

Tester drags Reiberg back to the ring. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Jon Tester (D)

Match 5: Sherrod Brown (D-OH) vs. Josh Mandel (R-OH)

Six years ago at Extreme Election Night 2006, Sherrod Brown (D-OH) was the outsider taking on entrenched Mike DeWine (R-OH) for a berth on the PCW Executive Committee.

Now the tables have turned and Brown is the insider trying to fight off the challenge of young Josh Mandel (R-OH) and keep his seat. Can Brown’s experience and guile overcome Mandel’s youthfulness? The run up has been harsh and contentious and the match at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 promises to be the same.

Former PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) at ringside and they taunt the young Mandel before the bell rings.

Brown immediately on the offense and places Mandel on the turnbuckle. Front-layout superplex. Mandel tries a spinning leg lariat on Brown who ducks it. Brown hits Mandel with the double arm DDT into the mat and then connects with an elbowdrop from the second turnbuckle. Brown climbs to his feet and covers Mandel hooking the leg …1 …2 Mandel kicks out. Brown grabs Mandel and applies an arm wrench. Brown covers Mandel. …1 …2 Mandel kicks out again. Brown hits the German suplex on Mandel. He knees Mandel and rolls him out of the ring into the waiting arms of Big Union.

Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker work Mandel over. Brown joins in and elbows the midsection. Big Labor lifts Mandel up…powerbomb through a table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Big Labor rolls Mandel back into the ring. Brown makes the academic cover…1..2…3.

WINNER: Sherrod Brown (D)

Big Labor gets on the mic and tells PCW Tag Team champions Scott Walker‘s Rangers that they can expect the same thing later on tonight.

Nate Silver runs out and shouts that “he was right,” “he was right.” Suave reminds everyone that we won’t know until later on who will be the PCW CEO.

MATCH #6 Claire McCaskill (D-MO) vs. Todd Akin (R-MO)

In Missouri, Claire McCaskill (D-MO) is defending her spot on the PCW Executive against challenger Todd Akin (R-MO).

Early on, the conventional wisdom was that McCaskill was vulnerable. However, once Akin opened up a big can of controversy over his ‘legitimate rape’ remarks, McCaskill has climbed back into the contest. Can McCaskill close the deal or will Akin somehow manage to overcome his own missteps to win a spot on the Executive Committee.

McCaskill walked out, kicked Akin in the balls. Akin to the mat. McCaskill nailed him again in the balls. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Claire McCaskill (D)

Once again, Nate Silver runs out and shouts “I told ya! I told ya!”

MATCH #7 Tim Kaine (D-VA) vs. George Allen (R-VA)

George Allen (R-VA) lost a tough match six years ago at Extreme Election Night 2006 to James Webb (D-VA).

Next week at Extreme Election Night 2012, Allen looks to return to the PCW Executive Committee as he takes on former Democratic Leader Tim Kaine (D-VA). This will be another bellwether match to gauge whether the Republicans will regain control of the Executive Committee and there’s a lot riding on the result.

Not happening. Kaine rolls through and defeats Allen to take the seat.

Nate Silver again runs out to proclaim that “he was right.”

Match #8 Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) vs. Scott Brown (R-MA)

Warren continues to assist the downward spiral of the night by defeating Brown and taking his spot on the PCW Executive committee.

And yes, Nate Silver again runs out and…yeah.

Match #9 PCW Tag Team Title Match: Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) vs. Big Labor: Big Union and James the Jeep Worker (D)

With the Republicans in full panic mode now, the Walkers faced off against the increasingly confident Democrats and simply got steamrolled.

Halfway through the match, Johnny Suave wondered what happened to the Independents?

In the back room, Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan, Charlie Blackwell, Mike the Mechanic, and the rest of the Independents were sprawled over the floor with the Chicago Boss Squad and the Department of Justice standing over them.

WINNER AND NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

Nate Silver again…

MATCH #10 PCW TITLE MATCH: Triple R (D) (c) vs. P.M.C. Banks (R)

By this point, Banks didn’t want to be out there. Triple R tore through Banks in quick order to retain the PCW title.

PCW CEO: Barack Obama (D) vs. Mitt Romney (R)PCW Owner Bubba Jackson emerged from his office and went to the ring to make the announcement. He congratulated both men on a hard fought campaign but in the end- Barack Obama would be the PCW CEO for another four years.

The Democrats all ran out to celebrate and Nate Silver continued to point at his charts and sheets as the show ended.

Suave- Welcome back to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon at the northeast corner of Shoop Avenue and Airport Highway in Wauseon, Ohio. Let’s review the action up to this point.

Match 1- Jeff Flake (R-AZ) def. Rich Carmona (D-AZ) with an assist from ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain and Jon Kyl.

Match 2- Chris Murphy (D-CT) def. Linda McMahon (R-CT) after the referee ejected McMahon’s husband, WWE Magnate Vince McMahon and her family from ringside.

Match 3- Jill Berg (R) retained the PCW Women’s title over C.J. Lewis (D) when Code Pink and Emily S List’s interference backfired thanks to a hand from Melissa Joan Hart.

Match 4- Jon Tester (D-MT) def. Denny Rehberg (R-MT)

Republican War RoomRepublican Leader Reince Priebus anxiously paces back and forth while his pollsters crunch the numbers.

Both Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH) burst into the room.

McConnell- Jesus, we’re getting killed out there, Reince! I thought this was in the bag.

Preibus- That’s what I was told.

Boehner- Now I’m hearing rumors that PCW Owner Bubba Jackson is seriously favoring returning Barack Obama for another four year term as PCW CEO.

Preibus- We’re working on it.

The pollsters hits the phones and try to find out just what the hell is going on.

Suave- So far, the Democrats have the upper hand and this next match is crucial. Let’s go to the ring.

Match 5: Sherrod Brown (D-OH) vs. Josh Mandel (R-OH)

Six years ago at Extreme Election Night 2006, Sherrod Brown (D-OH) was the outsider taking on entrenched Mike DeWine (R-OH) for a berth on the PCW Executive Committee.

Now the tables have turned and Brown is the insider trying to fight off the challenge of young Josh Mandel (R-OH) and keep his seat. Can Brown’s experience and guile overcome Mandel’s youthfulness? The run up has been harsh and contentious and the match at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 promises to be the same.

Kimber Marshall makes the introductions. Former PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) join Sherrod Brown at ringside and they taunt the young Mandel before the bell rings.

Brown immediately on the offense and places Mandel on the turnbuckle. Front-layout superplex. Mandel tries a spinning leg lariat on Brown who ducks it. Brown hits Mandel with the double arm DDT into the mat and then connects with an elbowdrop from the second turnbuckle. Brown climbs to his feet and covers Mandel hooking the leg …1 …2 Mandel kicks out. Brown grabs Mandel and applies an arm wrench. Brown covers Mandel. …1 …2 Mandel kicks out again. Brown hits the German suplex on Mandel. He knees Mandel and rolls him out of the ring into the waiting arms of Big Union.

Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker work Mandel over. Brown joins in and elbows the midsection. Big Labor lifts Mandel up…powerbomb through a table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Big Labor rolls Mandel back into the ring. Brown makes the academic cover…1..2…3.

WINNER: Sherrod Brown (D)

Nate Silver runs out and shouts that “he was right,” “he was right.” Suave reminds everyone that we won’t know until later on who will be the PCW CEO.

Suave- The Democrats pick up another one as Brown’s experience rules the day.

‘The Self-Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor gets on the mic after the match.

Big Labor- Scott Walker’s Rangers! Did you see what happened here? This is going to happen to you!

BACKSTAGEVince McMahon tries to get to PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office but security blocks his way.

McMahon- DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M VINCE ******* McMAHON! I’VE MADE MORE MONEY OFF PRO WRESTLING IN ONE HOUR THEN THIS PIECE OF **** POLITICAL FEDERATION WILL EVER MAKE IN IT’S LIFETIME. THERE’S-

(CUE: Def Leppard’s Tear It Down)

Suave: YES!


‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long

Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!

Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races down the hall. He grabs McMahon by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

MATCH #6 Claire McCaskill (D-MO) vs. Todd Akin (R-MO)

In Missouri, Claire McCaskill (D-MO) is defending her spot on the PCW Executive against challenger Todd Akin (R-MO).

Early on, the conventional wisdom was that McCaskill was vulnerable. However, once Akin opened up a big can of controversy over his ‘legitimate rape’ remarks, McCaskill has climbed back into the contest. Can McCaskill close the deal or will Akin somehow manage to overcome his own missteps to win a spot on the Executive Committee.

McCaskill walked out, kicked Akin in the balls. Akin to the mat. McCaskill nailed him again in the balls. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Claire McCaskill (D)

Once again, Nate Silver runs out and shouts “I told ya! I told ya!”

BackstageClaire McCaskill high fives an aide as she makes her to the back. She’s confronted by Richard Mourdock (R-IN).

Mourdock- I can’t believe you did that to him.

Replay: McCaskill vs. AkinMcCaskill walked out, kicked Akin in the balls. Akin to the mat. McCaskill nailed him again in the balls. Cover…1…2…3.

Mourdock- That was totally not called for. Totally not- OOOF.

McCaskill splits the uprights with a well placed kick and drops Mourdock.

Republican Locker Room“The Mastermind” Karl Rove, as always, pointing to his temple to make sure everyone realizes he’s a f****** genius, is doing his best to keep a semblance of order.

Suave- Yeah, good luck with that.

Democratic Locker RoomTalking with Stephanie Cutter, David Axelrod isn’t nearly as concerned about the welfare of his mustache as he was earlier in the night.

Axelrod- It’s time to unleash the GOTV.

Suave- We’re ready for our next match and it should be a good one.

Match #7 Tim Kaine (D-VA) vs. George Allen (R-VA)
George Allen (R-VA) lost a tough match six years ago at Extreme Election Night 2006 to James Webb (D-VA).

Tonight, Allen looks to return to the PCW Executive Committee as he takes on former Democratic Leader Tim Kaine (D-VA). This will be another bellwether match to gauge whether the Republicans will regain control of the Executive Committee and there’s a lot riding on the result.

Suave- I’m not sure if it’s as much of a bellwether now. It’s clear the Democrats are going to hold the PCW Executive Committee and the Republicans the Competition Committee.

Following Kimber Marshall’s introductions, the bell rings. Kaine comes out on fire and nails Allen repeatedly with right hands. Allen whipped into the corner. Kaine places Allen on the turnbuckle- front-layout suplex. Kaine gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Allen. Kaine sweeps Allen’s leg and rolls onto him with a knee. Allen gets right up and nails Kaine with an inverted DDT. He sends Kaine to ringside and follows. Allen throws a chair at Kaine. High crossbody by Allen. Kaine punched in the gut but Kaine comes back with a rake to the eyes and heads back to the ring. Allen follows but gets pulled back to the floor by the Democrats GOTV (Grapple to Total Victory)- consisting of Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy.

Hey, it was the best we could come up with.

Bain lifts Allen and hits a running powerbomb through a table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Bain and O’Kennedy roll Allen back into the ring. Belly to belly by Kaine. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Tim Kaine (D)

Nate Silver again runs out to proclaim that “he was right.”

Republican Locker Room‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove can’t believe it. Republican Leader Reince Preibus can’t believe it. He again turns to the pollsters.

Preibus – What’s going on here?

Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly walks in.

O’Reilly- I’ll tell you what’s going on. You’re getting your ass kicked.

Preibus- Where are the Independents?

BACKSTAGESpeaking of PCW’s Independent/Unaffiliated contingent, they enter through a back door into Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon led by ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan.

An aide comes up to Escondido and tells him that Barack Obama wants to talk with him. Escondido nods and leaves with the aide while Bryan, Charlie Blackwell, Mike the Mechanic, and Ken Worth- The American Trucker wait.

Suave- Here are the Black Swamp Pirates!”

The crowd stands and cheers as the Pirates come out and plug themselves in. The lead singer, Junior Jackson, strums his acoustic guitar and steps up to the mic.

Jackson- Y’all know this one. This is our ode to Keith Olbermann. It’s called ‘Keith.’
*
Jackson (sings):
Keith, you hit it big at ESPNBut then your tenure there came to an abrupt end
I know it seems so silly

They won’t let you back in the buildingEven when you went back, and worked for them again

Keith, you didn’t let them keep you down

So you traveled on from town to different town

Fox Sports didn’t work out well

MSNBC the first time was hell

Cause Bill Clinton, and Monica was going down

“But on Countdown, you found the thing that finally worked

So you became even more of an overbearing elitist jerk

And now you just don’t care

Compared to you Fox News is balanced and fair

And you make good ol’ Ann Coulter seem almost moderate to us

*
All right, let’s go now…
*

(Big Chorus)

“Keith

You’re the hero of the left.

And the cultural elitists

Who think they’re better than the rest

With your furrowed brow

Your mocking smile

Special Comments serious and terse

I might be the worst person in the world

But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

*
Jackson- All right, everyone follow the bouncing ball and sing along!
*

Keith

You’re the hero of the left.

And the cultural elitists

Who think they’re better than the rest

With your furrowed brow

Your mocking smile

And Special Comments serious and terse

I might be the worst person in the world

But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

You said, I was the worst person in the world

But you’re still the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

*The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd give them a standing ovation. Johnny Suave even gives them a standing ovation.

Match #8- Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) vs. Scott Brown (R-MA)Two years ago, Brown (R-MA) upset Martha Coakley (D-MA) for a spot on the PCW Executive Committee. This year, he finds himself in a battle royale with challenger Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).

Warren, who has Democratic political wrestling stalwarts Code Pink and Emily S List in her corner, is pushing hard to return the Massachusett’s seat back to the Democrats.

Can Brown hold off Warren’s challenge? Will Warren pick off a seat the Republicans need to take back control of the PCW Executive Committee? We’ll find out in just four days at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012.

Warren trips up Brown and then hits a corkscrew legdrop. Brown climbs to his feet and kicks Warren in the groin. She drops like a shot.

Suave- HOLY CRAP! DID HE JUST DO WHAT I THOUGHT HE DID?

Warren jumps back up and kicks Brown in the groin just as the Democratic GOTV hits the ring again. Bain bounces Brown off the ropes and faceslams him onto the mat. Paddy O’Kennedy gives Brown a reverse neckbreaker. Bain nails Brown with a huge slingshot sommersault splash.

Suave- The Democrat’s GOTV is kicking ass. Where’s the Republican answer?

Republican Locker RoomReince Preibus is talking with a rather large gentleman…as in really large.

Preibus- ORCA. I need you to get in there and take out the GOTV.

ORCA nods and lumbers out the door.

Back ringside, Brown brawls outside with O’Kennedy but not for long. Bain sets up a pair of chairs in the ring and powerbombs Brown on them. Warren brings a table into play. Belly to belly from Bain sends Brown through the table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOMPreibus is furious.

Preibus- Where the **** is ORCA?

Cut to…

CONCESSION STANDORCA’s patiently waiting in line at the ice cream stand.

REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOM
Preibus-
SON OF A BITCH!

Back in the ring, Bain rolls what’s left of Brown in and Warren makes the academic cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)

PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid (D-NV) and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) join Warren and the GOTV in the ring to celebrate.

And yes, Nate Silver again runs out and…yeah.

At ringside, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is just giddy as the Democrats not only hold the PCW Executive Committee but Barack Obama appear to be on the verge of a second term as PCW CEO.

Matthews- Thank God that hurricane came along!

(CUE: Def Leppard’s Tear It Down)

Suave: YES!

Matthews- NO! I didn’t mean it like that!


‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long

Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!

Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races down to ringside. Matthews tries to run for it but WTF grabs him by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Suave- PCW Tag Team Title match and PCW Title match coming up next. Plus, the decision- Obama or Romney, coming up on PCW Extreme Election Night 2012.

BACKSTAGE


PCW Towel Boy


Towel Boy returns from cleaning the ring ropes and jokes that the Republicans are as dead as the Los Angeles Lakers.

Suddenly, Kobe Bryant walks in and…

Kobe Death Stare

Suave- DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!

Towel Boy drops dead quicker than the Lakers pulled the plug on Mike Brown this season.

Suave- HE LOOKED!

Meanwhile…

THE HALLWAY IN FRONT OF THE REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOM‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (D), pointing to his temple to remind everyone just how much of a f****** genius he is, continues to try to reassure the Republicans that everything’s okay…
*


…and it’s not working.

MATCH #9 PCW Tag Team Title Match:
Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) © vs. Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

Ever since Scott Walker’s Rangers won the PCW Tag Team belts at the Loose Cannons Unleashed 8 pay per view, Big Union and the Democrats have been gunning for a return match. Tonight at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012, the two combustible forces will smash into each other with only one team leaving the ring as the PCW Tag Team champions.


Kimber Marshall

Kimber Marshall – Our next match is for the PCW Tag Team Title. On the way to the ring at this time, ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker!!!

Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker, accompanied by the Democrats’ GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy, PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi, come to the ring.

Kimber Marshall - and their opponents, accompanied to the ring by Scott Walker (R-WI), they are the PCW Tag Team Champions- the team of Ronnie Walker and John Walker, Scott Walker’s Rangers!

Ronnie Walker and John Walker walk to the ring with Scott Walker.

Suave- This is it…Big Union has been waiting for this match and tonight they get their shot at regaining the PCW Tag Team Title.

PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) join Scott Walker ringside as the bell sounds.

Ronnie Walker charges across the ring and nails Big Labor with a charging axhandle bodyblock. Ronnie springs off the ropes but this time Big Labor clotheslines him. Ronnie Walker tries to come back with a jawbreakeron but Big Labor pushes him off. Big Labor tackles Ronnie Walker and punches him repeatedly.

Suave - Big Labor trying to use his power and strength against Ronnie Walker.

Ronnie tries a waistlock suplex but is not strong enough to lift Big Labor. Big Labor throws him out to the floor. Big Labor follows and tells Ronnie he wants to wrestle. Then he promptly nails Ronnie with a folding chair. Big Labor with a backdrops and Paddy O’Kennedy of the Democratic GOTV follows with a pescado. Big Labor decides to get mean and dumps Ronnie Walker on the rail. Big Labor throws him over the rail into the crowd. The fight heads out into the fans for a brawl. Big Labor takes it up a notch by powerbombing Ronnie Walker on the floor.

Suave- Well, he’s dead. It’s over.

The crowd calls for Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean Up Crew.


Nurse Nellie


Big Labor calls for the bell saying it’s over. But somehow Boehner and McConnell roll Ronnie back in.

Big Labor chases Boehner and McConnell from the ring and turns and shoulder tackles Ronnie Walker. Ronnie Walker then whipped into the corner. He stumbled back out and right into a gut-wrench powerbomb. Ronnie tries to crawl to his corner but James the Jeep Worker slips in and pulls him across the ring. Big Labor goes to the top and drops the Elbow on Ronnie Walker. Cover…1…2…John Walker in for the save.

Suave- JOHN WALKER JUST MAKES THE SAVE AND NOW HE’S BRAWLING WITH JAMES THE JEEP WORKER.

John and James roll out of the ring and spill onto the floor. Ronnie Walker tries for a crotch slam but can’t lift Big Labor. Samoan Drop by Big Labor and Ronnie Walker is down. John Walker back in. Big Labor clotheslines John Walker. Ronnie Walker blasts Big Labor from behind with a chairshot and pummels his head. Ronnie Walker drops a closed fist. Now James the Jeep Worker in and he tackles Ronnie Walker. Big Labor sends Ronnie Walker into the turnbuckle. In comes Bain and he splashes Ronnie Walker. Now, O’Kennedy back in. Spinning neck-breaker sends Ronnie to the mat.

Suave- No doubt about it. The Democrats’ GOTV is kicking serious ass here tonight. What happened to the Independents?

In a back hallway Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan, Charlie Blackwell, Mike the Mechanic, and the rest of the Independents were sprawled over the floor with the Chicago Boss Squad and the Department of Justice standing over them.

Suave- Oh…

Big Labor pulls Ronnie Walker up. James the Jeep Worker in- swinging bulldog on drives Ronnie’s face to the mat. John Walker again in the ring but he gets intercepted by O’Kennedy. Ronnie Walker tries for a inverted backbreaker but is not strong enough to lift Big Labor. But Big Labor can…Powerslam! Powerslam! Powerslam! Big Labor flings sweat at Ronnie and hits a fourth powerslam.

Mitch McConnell is audibly heard shouting into a cell phone, “Where the **** is ORCA?”

CONCESSION STANDORCA’s STILL patiently waiting in line at the ice cream stand.

RINGSIDE
McConnell-
SON OF A BITCH!

Big Labor with a spine buster to Ronnie Walker. He lifts Ronnie Walker and drops him with a ScabBuster. Cover…1 John Walker in for one last try but gets Picket Lined by James the Jeep Worker. …2…3.

WINNER AND NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

Reid, Pelosi, and the GOTV mob Big Union in the ring after the referee gave them the PCW Tag Team belts.

Suave- Two time PCW Tag Team Champions- Big Union regains the belts here at PCW Extreme Election Night.

BACKSTAGE‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, slightly disheveled now, insists to anyone who’ll listen that it’s still not over.

Rove- There’s something not right about this-

CUE: Def Leppard’s TearIt Down)

Suave: YES!


‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long

Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!

Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races down the hall. He grabs Rove by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Suave- PCW TITLE MATCH NEXT!



It’s five years after the 2012 election and, well, things aren’t going so well. A major economic meltdown exacerbates the already bitter divisions within the United States and the country has split into several smaller nations based on red and blue state populations- or Jesusland and Progressiveville.

Now, in 2017, former Presidents Clinton and Bush (43) convene the American Reconciliation Summit and attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again. But when a multi-national mega-corporation attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting Washington D.C. and the summit. With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit? Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.

Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, the book harpoons the American political dysfunction that’s pulling our country apart and also pokes fun at various cultural icons ranging from Harry Potter to Les Miserables, Stars Wars to Armageddon to even the Twilight films.

Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.


‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain

Suave again reviews the results up to date:

Match 1- Jeff Flake (R-AZ) def. Rich Carmona (D-AZ) with an assist from ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain and Jon Kyl.

Match 2- Chris Murphy (D-CT) def. Linda McMahon (R-CT) after the referee ejected McMahon’s husband, WWE Magnate Vince McMahon and her family from ringside.

Match 3- Jill Berg (R) retained the PCW Women’s title over C.J. Lewis (D) when Code Pink and Emily S List’s interference backfired thanks to a hand from Melissa Joan Hart.

Match 4- Jon Tester (D-MT) def. Denny Rehberg (R-MT)

Match 5- Sherrod Brown (D-OH) def. Josh Mandel (R-OH)

Match 6- Claire McCaskill (D-MO) def. Todd Akin (R-MO)

Match 7- Tim Kaine (D-VA) def. George Allen (R-VA)

Match 8- Elizabeth Warren (R-MA) def. Scott Brown (R-MA)

Match 9- Big Union: “The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) def. Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) to win the PCW Tag Team Title.

BACKSTAGE- OUTSIDE PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON’S OFFICENo movement yet. Security continues to stand guard outside the door.

HALLWAYKarl Rove (R) keeps trying to keep everyone calm.

*


Back to the ring.

Suave- And now, it all comes down to this. The PCW Title match. Let’s go to the ring.

MAIN EVENT- PCW Title Match:
Triple R (D) © vs. P.M.C. Banks (R)

Finally, the big one- the PCW Title match. After several years of trying, after switching parties multiple times and trying new personas, Triple R finally won the title from The Sanderman (D) at the Democratic National Convention.

Now, the veteran Angry Highway Warrior also known as Road Range Randy gets boy banker P.M.C. Banks (R) as his first major challenge as PCW Champion. In a match that always serves as a bellwether to who will be selected the next PCW CEO, Banks finds himself the underdog to Triple R. in this Tuesday’s title encounter.

Can the young Banks close out Triple R’s title run at a scant two months? Will Triple R take it to the political extreme and retain his PCW Title belt? We’re about to find out.


Kimber Marshall

Marshall- This next match is for the PCW Title. Coming to the ring, the challenger from the financial district of Manhattan, Republican P.M.C. Banks!


P.M.C. Banks (R)

Banks slowly comes to the ring accompanied by ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA), aide de camp candidate Paul Ryan (R-WI), PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH), Boehner’s aide Eric Cantor (R-VA), and Mitch ‘It’s Your Constitiutional Right to Spend as Much Money as You Want to Buy Influence in Our Government’ McConnell (R-KY).

Banks warily climbs into the ring.

Marshall- And his opponent, he is the ‘Angry Highway Warrior. He is Road Rage Randy. But you can call him the P-C-W Champion! Triple R!


PCW Champion Triple R (D)

Triple R comes to the ring with PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL), Obama’s aide de camp Joe ‘Don’t Call Me Neil Kinnock’ Biden (D-DE), PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry ‘Don’t Call Me Emperor Palpatine’ Reid (D-NV), and Nancy Pelosi.

Triple R goes to the center of the ring and offers his hand to Banks. Banks cautiously reciprocates but Triple R pulls it away at the last second and knifehand chops the challenger. The bell rings and it’s on.

Banks runs out and Triple R takes him down with a knee. The champion goes for an arm grapevine submission but Banks gets back to his feet. Triple R slaps Banks and taunts him. Triple R picks up Banks and front slams him to the mat. He hooks the leg for an early cover but Banks kicks out. Banks gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Triple R comes over and smashes Banks’s head into it and then brings Banks back out and hits jumping neck snap. Triple R goes top rope but Banks recovers and pulls him down hard to the mat. Banks drops Triple R neck first over the ropes and then sends him to ringside. Banks does a cartwheel and kicks Triple R in the face. Kneeling headbutt to Triple R’s groin.

Suave- And they’re outside. Not sure this is a good idea for Banks.

Banks starts to head back into the ring but again, the Democrats GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy (D) come down and interject themselves into the match. Bain pulls Banks back through the ropes and then wings him hard into the guardrail. O’Kennedy leaps from the ring apron and dropkicks Banks into the guardrail. Triple R grabs a TV cable and starts choking out Banks with it. Romney climbs up on the apron to complain but…


Candy Crowley of CN
N

Suave- WHAT THE HELL? CROWLEY’S STOPPING ROMNEY FROM ARGUING WITH THE REFEREE?

While that’s going on, Triple R starts bashing Banks with crap and then lays him over the rail before dropping a leg. O’Kennedy sets up a table and Triple R can drive Bank’s head through it.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Banks is bleeding all over the place. O’Kennedy dropkicks a chair into Banks’ face for good measure. Banks falls back on his arm awkwardly and appears to have injured it. Triple R wastes no time and goes after the injured arm with chairshots. Triple R with the DDT. The GOTV set up a table. Triple R sets Banks up but O’Kennedy miscues and accidently superkicks Triple R.

Suave- HOLY CRAP! He just took Triple R’s head off.

But O’Kennedy moonsaults Banks. New PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker run down and set Banks up on the table. O’Kennedy with another moonsault but the table doesn’t break. Big Labor throws Banks back into the ring. Triple R covers but only gets two. Big Labor immediately hits the Scabbuster and Triple R covers…1…2…NO! ORCA? ORCA MADE THE SAVE?

Suave- Well, it’s bloody about time he did something.

It’s shortlived. Both the GOTV and Big Union attack ORCA and drive him from the ring. Triple R sets up the table in the corner and whips Banks through it. Cover…1…2…Banks kicks out. Triple R stomps Banks. Double arm DDT by the champion and another cover..1…2..somehow Banks kicks out again. Banks then low bridges Triple R and rallies. He rains down right hands on the champion. Banks for the Moneybomb and hits it…but MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, and Ed Schultz race to the ring and complain to the referee. That brings down Fox News’s contingent of Sean Hannity, Dennis Miller, and Megyn Kelly and while Banks has Triple R pinned, MSNBC, joined by ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox News argue with the referee.

Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver sneaks into the ring and whaps Banks in the head with a large book of spreadsheets and Triple R manages to regain control of the match. Triple R with a forearm. And another. Banks ducks a third so Triple R hits a sit down powerbomb! Pissed off, Triple R leaves the ring and goes and gets the ring bell. The referee tries to take it away from him.

Suave- TRIPLE R WITH THE RING BELL! HE DID THE EXACT SAME THING FIVE YEARS AGO AT LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3!

Replay: PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A FREAKIN’ RUMBLE!” Somewhere away from the crowd, Starz’s lariat attempt is blocked when Triple R rips the bell away from the referee and slams it in Starz’s face. Suave: “GAME OVER! ONE, TWO, THREE! THAT’S IT! TRIPLE R HAS REGAINED THE PCW TITLE.!”

Triple R in the ring with the bell. Romney and Ryan both on the apron to complain to the referee and…what?


Martha Raddatz

Suave- What is SHE doing down here?

Triple R blasts Banks with the bell. Raddatz shouts at the referee and points to the ring. The referee turns and Triple R has Banks pinned…1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: Triple R (D)

The Democrats in the crowd are ecstatic. The Republicans? Stunned.

BACKSTAGE- OUTSIDE PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON’S OFFICE

The door opens and out walks PCW Owner Bubba Jackson.


Bubba Jackson on far left.

Suave- IT’S TIME! BUBBA JACKSON IS ON HIS WAY TO THE RING!

Crowd- PCW…PCW…PCW!

Obama, Triple R, and the Democrats celebrate in the ring.

Suave- AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO FIND OUT IF BARACK OBAMA GETS FOUR MORE YEARS AT THE HELM OF PCW OR WHETHER MITT ROMNEY WILL TAKE HIS PLACE!

Silver takes the microphone from Suave.

Silver- I ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL. THESE SPREADSHEETS PROVE THAT OBAMA WILL BE NAMED THE PCW CEO AGAIN. I TOLD YOU…I TOLD YOU ALL…I TOLD-

CUE: Def Leppard’s Tear It Down)

Suave: YES!


‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long

Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!

Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races to the ring. He grabs Silver by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Suave- Thank you. And now, it’s time…

PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON ANNOUNCES THE NEW PCW CEOJackson thanks everyone for coming out.

Jackson- We’ve been through a lot over the past four years. The deficit is way too high and PCW is not on the soundest economic ground right now.

David Axelrod says the conditions were bad when Obama started his term in 2009.

Jackson- No. George W. Bush hasn’t been the PCW CEO for the past four years. This was a tough call but I have come to a decision. The PCW mid and lower card wrestlers are struggling hard right now. Mitt Romney. You ran a good campaign but in the end- what solutions to our problems did you propose differed than the ones Republicans have proposed in the past? Cut taxes? These times call for breaking out of the same old ideas.

Jackson motions to Democrats Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Republicans John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to step forward.

Jackson- You along with the current, and next, PCW CEO Barack Obama helped make this mess. You need to fix it. It’s Obama.

PCW CEO: Barack Obama (D-IL)

The Democrats erupt as Obama wins a second term as PCW CEO. Obama and Romney shake hands in the ring as the scene dissolves to the Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa.


Marco Rubio (R-FL)


Rubio exits a plane and climbs into a waiting limo.

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