Saturday, November 10, 2012

George Allen (R) vs. Tim Kaine (D)/Scott Brown (R) vs. Elizabeth Warren (D)

PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 – Part 5

Results up to date:

Match 1- Jeff Flake (R-AZ) def. Rich Carmona (D-AZ) with an assist from ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain and Jon Kyl.

Match 2- Chris Murphy (D-CT) def. Linda McMahon (R-CT) after the referee ejected McMahon’s husband, WWE Magnate Vince McMahon and her family from ringside.

Match 3- Jill Berg (R) retained the PCW Women’s title over C.J. Lewis (D) when Code Pink and Emily S List’s interference backfired thanks to a hand from Melissa Joan Hart.

Match 4- Jon Tester (D-MT) def. Denny Rehberg (R-MT)

Match 5- Sherrod Brown (D-OH) def. Josh Mandel (R-OH)

Match 6- Claire McCaskill (D-MO) def. Todd Akin (R-MO)

BackstageClaire McCaskill high fives an aide as she makes her to the back. She’s confronted by Richard Mourdock (R-IN).

Mourdock- I can’t believe you did that to him.

Replay: McCaskill vs. AkinMcCaskill walked out, kicked Akin in the balls. Akin to the mat. McCaskill nailed him again in the balls. Cover…1…2…3.

Mourdock- That was totally not called for. Totally not- OOOF.

McCaskill splits the uprights with a well placed kick and drops Mourdock.

Republican Locker Room“The Mastermind” Karl Rove, as always, pointing to his temple to make sure everyone realizes he’s a f****** genius, is doing his best to keep a semblance of order.

Suave- Yeah, good luck with that.

Democratic Locker RoomTalking with Stephanie Cutter, David Axelrod isn’t nearly as concerned about the welfare of his mustache as he was earlier in the night.

Axelrod- It’s time to unleash the GOTV.

Suave- We’re ready for our next match and it should be a good one.

Match #7 Tim Kaine (D-VA) vs. George Allen (R-VA)
George Allen (R-VA) lost a tough match six years ago at Extreme Election Night 2006 to James Webb (D-VA).

Tonight, Allen looks to return to the PCW Executive Committee as he takes on former Democratic Leader Tim Kaine (D-VA). This will be another bellwether match to gauge whether the Republicans will regain control of the Executive Committee and there’s a lot riding on the result.

Suave- I’m not sure if it’s as much of a bellwether now. It’s clear the Democrats are going to hold the PCW Executive Committee and the Republicans the Competition Committee.

Following Kimber Marshall’s introductions, the bell rings. Kaine comes out on fire and nails Allen repeatedly with right hands. Allen whipped into the corner. Kaine places Allen on the turnbuckle- front-layout suplex. Kaine gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Allen. Kaine sweeps Allen’s leg and rolls onto him with a knee. Allen gets right up and nails Kaine with an inverted DDT. He sends Kaine to ringside and follows. Allen throws a chair at Kaine. High crossbody by Allen. Kaine punched in the gut but Kaine comes back with a rake to the eyes and heads back to the ring. Allen follows but gets pulled back to the floor by the Democrats GOTV (Grapple to Total Victory)- consisting of Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy.

Hey, it was the best we could come up with.

Bain lifts Allen and hits a running powerbomb through a table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Bain and O’Kennedy roll Allen back into the ring. Belly to belly by Kaine. Cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Tim Kaine (D)

Nate Silver again runs out to proclaim that “he was right.”

Republican Locker Room‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove can’t believe it. Republican Leader Reince Preibus can’t believe it. He again turns to the pollsters.

Preibus – What’s going on here?

Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly walks in.

O’Reilly- I’ll tell you what’s going on. You’re getting your ass kicked.

Preibus- Where are the Independents?

BACKSTAGESpeaking of PCW’s Independent/Unaffiliated contingent, they enter through a back door into Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon led by ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan.

An aide comes up to Escondido and tells him that Barack Obama wants to talk with him. Escondido nods and leaves with the aide while Bryan, Charlie Blackwell, Mike the Mechanic, and Ken Worth- The American Trucker wait.

Suave- Here are the Black Swamp Pirates!”

The crowd stands and cheers as the Pirates come out and plug themselves in. The lead singer, Junior Jackson, strums his acoustic guitar and steps up to the mic.

Jackson- Y’all know this one. This is our ode to Keith Olbermann. It’s called ‘Keith.’
*
Jackson (sings):
Keith, you hit it big at ESPNBut then your tenure there came to an abrupt end
I know it seems so silly

They won’t let you back in the buildingEven when you went back, and worked for them again

Keith, you didn’t let them keep you down

So you traveled on from town to different town

Fox Sports didn’t work out well

MSNBC the first time was hell

Cause Bill Clinton, and Monica was going down

“But on Countdown, you found the thing that finally worked

So you became even more of an overbearing elitist jerk

And now you just don’t care

Compared to you Fox News is balanced and fair

And you make good ol’ Ann Coulter seem almost moderate to us

*
All right, let’s go now…
*

(Big Chorus)

“Keith

You’re the hero of the left.

And the cultural elitists

Who think they’re better than the rest

With your furrowed brow

Your mocking smile

Special Comments serious and terse

I might be the worst person in the world

But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

*
Jackson- All right, everyone follow the bouncing ball and sing along!
*

Keith

You’re the hero of the left.

And the cultural elitists

Who think they’re better than the rest

With your furrowed brow

Your mocking smile

And Special Comments serious and terse

I might be the worst person in the world

But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

You said, I was the worst person in the world

But you’re still the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

*The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd give them a standing ovation. Johnny Suave even gives them a standing ovation.

Match #8- Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) vs. Scott Brown (R-MA)Two years ago, Brown (R-MA) upset Martha Coakley (D-MA) for a spot on the PCW Executive Committee. This year, he finds himself in a battle royale with challenger Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).

Warren, who has Democratic political wrestling stalwarts Code Pink and Emily S List in her corner, is pushing hard to return the Massachusett’s seat back to the Democrats.

Can Brown hold off Warren’s challenge? Will Warren pick off a seat the Republicans need to take back control of the PCW Executive Committee? We’ll find out in just four days at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012.

Warren trips up Brown and then hits a corkscrew legdrop. Brown climbs to his feet and kicks Warren in the groin. She drops like a shot.

Suave- HOLY CRAP! DID HE JUST DO WHAT I THOUGHT HE DID?

Warren jumps back up and kicks Brown in the groin just as the Democratic GOTV hits the ring again. Bain bounces Brown off the ropes and faceslams him onto the mat. Paddy O’Kennedy gives Brown a reverse neckbreaker. Bain nails Brown with a huge slingshot sommersault splash.

Suave- The Democrat’s GOTV is kicking ass. Where’s the Republican answer?

Republican Locker RoomReince Preibus is talking with a rather large gentleman…as in really large.

Preibus- ORCA. I need you to get in there and take out the GOTV.

ORCA nods and lumbers out the door.

Back ringside, Brown brawls outside with O’Kennedy but not for long. Bain sets up a pair of chairs in the ring and powerbombs Brown on them. Warren brings a table into play. Belly to belly from Bain sends Brown through the table.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOMPreibus is furious.

Preibus- Where the **** is ORCA?

Cut to…

CONCESSION STANDORCA’s patiently waiting in line at the ice cream stand.

REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOM
Preibus-
SON OF A BITCH!

Back in the ring, Bain rolls what’s left of Brown in and Warren makes the academic cover…1…2…3.

WINNER: Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)

PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid (D-NV) and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) join Warren and the GOTV in the ring to celebrate.

And yes, Nate Silver again runs out and…yeah.

At ringside, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is just giddy as the Democrats not only hold the PCW Executive Committee but Barack Obama appear to be on the verge of a second term as PCW CEO.

Matthews- Thank God that hurricane came along!

(CUE: Def Leppard’s Tear It Down)

Suave: YES!

Matthews- NO! I didn’t mean it like that!


‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long

Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!

Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races down to ringside. Matthews tries to run for it but WTF grabs him by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.

Crowd- PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Suave- PCW Tag Team Title match and PCW Title match coming up next. Plus, the decision- Obama or Romney, coming up on PCW Extreme Election Night 2012.

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