‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
Results up to date:
Match 1- Jeff Flake (R-AZ) def. Rich Carmona (D-AZ) with an assist from ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain and Jon Kyl.
Match 2- Chris Murphy (D-CT) def. Linda McMahon (R-CT) after the referee ejected McMahon’s husband, WWE Magnate Vince McMahon and her family from ringside.
Match 3- Jill Berg (R) retained the PCW Women’s title over C.J. Lewis (D) when Code Pink and Emily S List’s interference backfired thanks to a hand from Melissa Joan Hart.
Match 4- Jon Tester (D-MT) def. Denny Rehberg (R-MT)
Match 5- Sherrod Brown (D-OH) def. Josh Mandel (R-OH)
Match 6- Claire McCaskill (D-MO) def. Todd Akin (R-MO)
Match 7- Tim Kaine (D-VA) def. George Allen (R-VA)
Match 8- Elizabeth Warren (R-MA) def. Scott Brown (R-MA)
PCW Towel Boy
Towel Boy returns from cleaning the ring ropes and jokes that the Republicans are as dead as the Los Angeles Lakers.
Suddenly, Kobe Bryant walks in and…
Kobe Death Stare
Suave- DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!
Towel Boy drops dead quicker than the Lakers pulled the plug on Mike Brown this season.
Suave- HE LOOKED!
THE HALLWAY IN FRONT OF THE REPUBLICAN LOCKER ROOM‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (D), pointing to his temple to remind everyone just how much of a f****** genius he is, continues to try to reassure the Republicans that everything’s okay…
…and it’s not working.
MATCH #9 PCW Tag Team Title Match:
Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) © vs. Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
Ever since Scott Walker’s Rangers won the PCW Tag Team belts at the Loose Cannons Unleashed 8 pay per view, Big Union and the Democrats have been gunning for a return match. Tonight at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012, the two combustible forces will smash into each other with only one team leaving the ring as the PCW Tag Team champions.
Kimber Marshall – Our next match is for the PCW Tag Team Title. On the way to the ring at this time, ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker!!!
Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker, accompanied by the Democrats’ GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy, PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi, come to the ring.
Kimber Marshall - and their opponents, accompanied to the ring by Scott Walker (R-WI), they are the PCW Tag Team Champions- the team of Ronnie Walker and John Walker, Scott Walker’s Rangers!
Ronnie Walker and John Walker walk to the ring with Scott Walker.
Suave- This is it…Big Union has been waiting for this match and tonight they get their shot at regaining the PCW Tag Team Title.
PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) join Scott Walker ringside as the bell sounds.
Ronnie Walker charges across the ring and nails Big Labor with a charging axhandle bodyblock. Ronnie springs off the ropes but this time Big Labor clotheslines him. Ronnie Walker tries to come back with a jawbreakeron but Big Labor pushes him off. Big Labor tackles Ronnie Walker and punches him repeatedly.
Suave - Big Labor trying to use his power and strength against Ronnie Walker.
Ronnie tries a waistlock suplex but is not strong enough to lift Big Labor. Big Labor throws him out to the floor. Big Labor follows and tells Ronnie he wants to wrestle. Then he promptly nails Ronnie with a folding chair. Big Labor with a backdrops and Paddy O’Kennedy of the Democratic GOTV follows with a pescado. Big Labor decides to get mean and dumps Ronnie Walker on the rail. Big Labor throws him over the rail into the crowd. The fight heads out into the fans for a brawl. Big Labor takes it up a notch by powerbombing Ronnie Walker on the floor.
Suave- Well, he’s dead. It’s over.
The crowd calls for Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean Up Crew.
Big Labor calls for the bell saying it’s over. But somehow Boehner and McConnell roll Ronnie back in.
Big Labor chases Boehner and McConnell from the ring and turns and shoulder tackles Ronnie Walker. Ronnie Walker then whipped into the corner. He stumbled back out and right into a gut-wrench powerbomb. Ronnie tries to crawl to his corner but James the Jeep Worker slips in and pulls him across the ring. Big Labor goes to the top and drops the Elbow on Ronnie Walker. Cover…1…2…John Walker in for the save.
Suave- JOHN WALKER JUST MAKES THE SAVE AND NOW HE’S BRAWLING WITH JAMES THE JEEP WORKER.
John and James roll out of the ring and spill onto the floor. Ronnie Walker tries for a crotch slam but can’t lift Big Labor. Samoan Drop by Big Labor and Ronnie Walker is down. John Walker back in. Big Labor clotheslines John Walker. Ronnie Walker blasts Big Labor from behind with a chairshot and pummels his head. Ronnie Walker drops a closed fist. Now James the Jeep Worker in and he tackles Ronnie Walker. Big Labor sends Ronnie Walker into the turnbuckle. In comes Bain and he splashes Ronnie Walker. Now, O’Kennedy back in. Spinning neck-breaker sends Ronnie to the mat.
Suave- No doubt about it. The Democrats’ GOTV is kicking serious ass here tonight. What happened to the Independents?
In a back hallway Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan, Charlie Blackwell, Mike the Mechanic, and the rest of the Independents were sprawled over the floor with the Chicago Boss Squad and the Department of Justice standing over them.
Big Labor pulls Ronnie Walker up. James the Jeep Worker in- swinging bulldog on drives Ronnie’s face to the mat. John Walker again in the ring but he gets intercepted by O’Kennedy. Ronnie Walker tries for a inverted backbreaker but is not strong enough to lift Big Labor. But Big Labor can…Powerslam! Powerslam! Powerslam! Big Labor flings sweat at Ronnie and hits a fourth powerslam.
Mitch McConnell is audibly heard shouting into a cell phone, “Where the **** is ORCA?”
CONCESSION STANDORCA’s STILL patiently waiting in line at the ice cream stand.
McConnell- SON OF A BITCH!
Big Labor with a spine buster to Ronnie Walker. He lifts Ronnie Walker and drops him with a ScabBuster. Cover…1 John Walker in for one last try but gets Picket Lined by James the Jeep Worker. …2…3.
WINNER AND NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
Reid, Pelosi, and the GOTV mob Big Union in the ring after the referee gave them the PCW Tag Team belts.
Suave- Two time PCW Tag Team Champions- Big Union regains the belts here at PCW Extreme Election Night.
BACKSTAGE‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, slightly disheveled now, insists to anyone who’ll listen that it’s still not over.
Rove- There’s something not right about this-
CUE: Def Leppard’s TearIt Down)
‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Suave: IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – I can’t wait another day
Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down – If only you could stay
All night long
Crowd: What the @#$#!…What the @!##!
Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot races down the hall. He grabs Rove by the hair…kick to the balls. Lift. Chokeslam.
Suave- PCW TITLE MATCH NEXT!
It’s five years after the 2012 election and, well, things aren’t going so well. A major economic meltdown exacerbates the already bitter divisions within the United States and the country has split into several smaller nations based on red and blue state populations- or Jesusland and Progressiveville.
Now, in 2017, former Presidents Clinton and Bush (43) convene the American Reconciliation Summit and attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again. But when a multi-national mega-corporation attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting Washington D.C. and the summit. With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit? Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.
Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, the book harpoons the American political dysfunction that’s pulling our country apart and also pokes fun at various cultural icons ranging from Harry Potter to Les Miserables, Stars Wars to Armageddon to even the Twilight films.
Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.
Excerpt- Jesusland vs. Progressiveville
Stone faced, Enrique somberly told Darius, “General LaMark is dead.”
“General LaMark is dead?” Darius appeared confused. “Who is General LaMark?”
Enriques slapped Darius up beside the head. Music started up again.
“LaMark is dead.”
Stacey looked around the room. “What? More music?”
“LaMark. That was the signal you moron.
The time’s come
To make our presence known tonight!”
“Who is General LaMark?” Stacey asked.
“Oh!” Darius said. “Makes sense now.”
“What makes sense? Who is General LaMark?”
“Never mind that,” Enrique said. “It’s time to go.”
“Darius, I don’t know if I like this idea,” a worried Stacey said.
“Well, I don’t know if I like the fact you strip at night.”
Kate, chugging down a glass of water, spewed her drink in the air like Yellowstone’s Old Faithful.
“Excuse me?” Stacey tersely replied.
“Well? You never want to go out at night. You’ve got this rocking collection of lingerie in your closet. What am I supposed to think, Stacey?”
Kate giggled on the couch. “I knew it.”
“Darius, I swear to you that I am not a stripper.”
“Oh.” Darius moped for a couple seconds. Then his eyes lit up. “I’ve got it! You’re a lingerie model!”
“Darius,” Enriques intoned. “We must depart for our meeting place before heading to the Home Depot to get the wood for the barricade.”
(sings to the tune of ‘Red and Black’ from the musical Les Miserables):
“It’s time to make a stand.”
Stacey thumbed through a manuscript of Jesusland vs. Progressiveville- “All right, just when the hell did this turn into a musical?”
“It’s time for us to fight
The two parties who march
Like Pavlov’s dogs in lockstep like
It’s time to ask the question
What’s the price America paid
For simple political games
That rich elitists get to play
With special interest groups
Who get to play for pay.”
“The color of the right”
“The color of the left”
“They both think they are right”
“But they’ve made one big mess.”
“If you were in my shoes
You’d see inner conflict
Between my one true love
And the cause of which I choose
She may not be a stripper
Or a lingerie model
But her beauty outshines
Even the sky’s Biggest Dipper
So can’t I be a lover and fighter
Or is it a fighter and lover too?”
“She’s got lingerie of that color.”
“She’s got a blue one that really fits.”
“With silk and frills and lace.”
“That shows off Stacey’s-
“DARIUS!’ shouted Stacey, turning beet red with embarrassment.
“Breasts!” Darius said. “I was going to say breasts.”
“Darius, stop chasing tail and listen
We can’t continue on this way
Middle America is drowning in debt you know
The partisans, they wink and wave
Then they will look the other way
As the middle class’s Bataan Death March continues to grow.”
“They talk and complain all day.”
“And don’t do a thing at all.”
Lest they anger special interest groups”
Who’s got both by the baaaaaaaaalls!”