Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Political War on Women: PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 8- part 1

PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 8 Recap- part 1
Bradley Center
Milwaukee, WI
Tuesday June 5th, 2012

Political Championship Wrestling rocked the Bradley Center in Milwaukee with their 8th edition of their signature political wrestling event- Loose Cannons Unleashed.

‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave ran down the card:

-PCW Television Title Match: ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) (c) vs. Valora Salinas
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) (c) vs. Scott Walker’s Rangers: Ronnie and John Walker (R)
-PCW Women’s Title Match: Miss USA (c) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
-Red Title Match: TBD
-Blue Title Match: TBD
-PCW Title Match: The Sanderman (D) (c) vs. Yamamoto Tanaka (R)

Kicking the show off was the unexpected return of The Goatbusters to PCW…

*Spooky music begins followed by a funky beat*

(sung to ‘Ghostbusters’)
If there’s something grazing
In your neighborhood
Who you gonna call
If you see a herd
And it don’t look good
Who you gonna call

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

If you’re seeing horns
Running through your yard
Who can you call
If you have a goat
Sleeping in your bed
Oh, who you gonna call

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

Who you gonna call
If you’re all alone
Pick up the phone
And call

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I hear it likes the girls
I ain’t afraid of no Goat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Who you gonna call
If you’ve had a dose
Of a freaky Goat
Maybe you’d better call

Let me tell you something
Bustin’ makes me feel good

I ain’t afraid of no Goat
I ain’t afraid of no Goat

The Goatbusters were being interviewed by PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein about the induction of ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (I) and Starz N. Stripes (also known as ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott) (R) into the PCW Hall of Fame. Goatbusters Ray Scantz and Peter Jenkman (I) are both drinking Big Gulps full of soft drinks when New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg (I) charges out.

Bloomberg tells the Goatbusters that they are setting a terrible example by sucking down 52 ounce cups of soft drinks at a time where the nation’s health is going to hell. Sodas should only be available for purchase from behind the counter, like cigarettes and cough medicine. Everyone purchasing a soda should have to provide proof that they are not obese by submitting to a BMI calculation or a body fat caliper test.

Scantz fires back at Bloomberg, “It’s funny, but if you analyze the practical application of your ‘collective where we look out for each other’ as it’s being rolled out by fascists like Bloomberg, it looks less like looking out for each other, and more like using the boot of government to make sure the stupid people don’t overload on the freebies the politicians promised ‘em to get their votes.”

Jenkman adds: “Hey, I have an idea- let’s treat adults like children! No soft drinks for you until you swallow your plate of government propaganda! Salt is off the table, and the good cooking oil is reserved for those whose service to the collective is unquestioned. And sorry, you’re too ignorant to weigh the risks of unpasteurized cheese flown in today from France! In fact, you’re too stupid to decide for yourself about the raw milk the Amish guy is selling. And no foie gras. It offends the delicate sensibilities of the geese.”

Bloomberg is offended and sics the NY Health Department on the Goatbusters and we have an impromptu match.

Match #1- The Goatbusters def. the NY Health Department @ 5:54Much to everyone’s delight, the Goatbusters win when they “Cross the Streams” on Walter and Peck of the NY Health Department and then pour large quanities of Pepsi over them after the match.

Big Union (‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker) storm the office of leader of the PCW Executive Committee Harry Reid (D-NV) and demand that their match against Scott Walker’s Rangers be moved to the Main Event of the show.

Reid, momentarily caught off-guard, quickly acquiesces and agrees to their demand.

Suave makes the formal announcement that the new Main Event will be indeed- The PCW Tag Team Title Match with Big Union (D) vs. Scott Walker’s Rangers (R)

Match #2- PCW Television TV Title Match: TV Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) vs. Valora SalinasChism reluctantly gets into the ring and Valora races right over and attacks him. She chases Chism all over the ring before the TV Champ slides out. Chism runs around the ring with Valora in pursuit and the challengers runs right into the right arm of Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Obscure Black Sheep Brother No One Knew He Had.

Tebow then blasts Valora with left hands while suspended St. Louis Ram defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton collect their ‘bounty’ from Chism. Valora then turns it around and then destroys Tebow with chair shots. Then she blasts both Williams and Payton with the chair and rolls back into the ring. Chism jumps out of the ring and grabs the microphone- he says ‘**** this, I’ve bigger fish to fry’ and throws the TV belt down. Chism tries to leave but Valora runs him down and literally drags him back ringside.

Valora then filets Chism’s back with a kendo stick and then wraps an electrical cord around his neck and chokes him out. The Skanky Rich Bimbos (Kim and Chloe) try to come to his rescue but they take one look at Valora and run to the back. Chism passes out before the Democrats can send down help and Valora wins the PCW Television Title.

Valora def. Chism for the TV Title @ 10:44

Democratic Leader Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL) leads Women for Women (Code Pink and Emily S. List) and former PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins to the ring and they attack Valora.

Suave: Wait a minute. I thought it was the Republicans waging a ’War on Women?’

KRC and List hold Valora as Code Pink prepares to give her a Glitter Bomb. Then the crowd roars when the Mercenaries (Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski) race to the ring. McGill ducks Code Pink’s Glitter Bomb and whips her through the ropes to the outside. List gets a standing dropkick from Kovalevski and Valora Border Tosses her out of the ring. Valora starts after KRC but then the PCW Women’s Champion Miss USA runs in and tells her that she wants to get her hands on the challenger.

The referee slides into the ring and the third match is on…

Match #3 PCW Women’s Title Match: Miss USA (c) w/the Mercenaries (Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D) w/Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL)

Wasserman Schultz demands that McGill and Kovalevski be sent to the back and raises enough of a stink that the referee finally gives in. He directs McGill and Kovalevski to the back and the match finally starts.

KRC bails and dares Miss USA to come after her- which she does. Wasserman Schultz misses a weak clothesline attempt and Miss USA takes KRC down. Both women brawl around the ring before KRC gains the upper hand and drives the champion into the steel ring steps and then into the steel security barrier. Miss USA then reversed KRC into the timekeeper’s chair and then blasted her with the ring bell.

Miss USA then climbs to the ring apron for a Patriot Missile drop kick but Wasserman Schultz sneaks around and pushes her off the edge. KRC taunts Miss USA’s family at ringside and then Larry Flynt slithers down in his wheelchair leaving a trail of slime behind him.

Flynt has some embarrassing old photos of Miss USA that he starts parading around to distract the champion. KRC takes advantage and spends the next few minutes pummelling Miss USA all over the ring. KRC keeps going for the pin but somehow Miss USA kicks out. After Miss USA kicks out at 2.999999, she tries to roll out of the ring but Flynt blocks her way.

This brings out conservative commentator and Flynt target S.E. Cupp (R). Cupp tackles Flynt causing his wheelchair to flip backwards. Cupp rains down blows on Flynt before taking a huge submarine sandwich and jamming it in Flynt’s piehole.

Suave: It’s just satire, Larry.

KRC tries to Pearl Harbor Miss USA but the champion reverses and whips KRC towards the barricade. She trips over Flynt’s body and lands head first against the steel barricade. Miss USA drags her back into the ring and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Wasserman-Schultz starts over towards her but Miss USA turns and hits a Patriot Missile on her. Then she rolls over and covers KRC…1…2…3.

WINNER and still PCW Women’s Champion Miss USA @ 8:54

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