Friday, February 10, 2012

Romney Strikes Back: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN



PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN Report
Imperial Bowl
Pittsfield, MA
Thursday February 9th, 2012
Announcer: Johnny Suave


Suave welcomed everyone to another edition of PCW Politics is War. He reviewed what went down Tuesday night at PCW Minnesota Mayhem:

-the preemptive attack on the Right Rev. Randy Richardson (R), representing Rick Santorum (R-PA) and the God Squad by ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney’s (R-MA) wrestler Yamamoto Tanaka (R) and the Republican Establishment.

-the surprise return of A. Tom Bomb (R). Accompanied by long time valet, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, A-Bomb laid waste to Tanaka, K-Roy (R)- representing Newt Gingrich, and Magnum PO’d (R)- for Ron Paul (R-TX) to sweep through the Minnesota Mayhem match on behalf of Santorum.

Suave announced that Jesusland vs. Progressiveville, the novel featuring two wrestlers from Political Championship Wrestling (‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Rah!), was released on Kindle earlier today.



The year is 2017. In a world where harsh divisions and economic strife have pulled the United States apart, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting the, now, free city of Washington D.C. and the American Reconciliation Summit- an attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again.
But when a multi-national mega-corporation with another agenda in mind attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey and Kate face their biggest challenge to date. With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit? Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.
Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.
Excerpt from ‘Jesusland vs. Progressiveville’:
Suddenly, the lights turned off and a small spotlight illuminated the door. A man dressed in a suit and bow-tie walked in. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in an announcer-type voice.
Lingerie Girl facepalmed herself. “Oh no. Not him.”
“I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego’s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important…”
“Does he really have to do this?” asked Ninja Kitty.
“Apparently, yes,” Lingerie Girl replied.
“…Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the Sunshine God…RAAAAAAAAH!”
Lingerie Girl rolled her eyes.

‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (I) w/Rah

MATCH #1
‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (I) w/Rah

vs.
American Girl‘ Sarah Mae Smith (R) w/Harley Davisson


Smith challenged the whole concept of the book and blamed the country’s problems on liberal Democrats. She called herself a ‘true American’ and went after Martin before the bell rang.

[...Martin and Smith brawl on the floor. Smith gets a swinging bulldog on Martin and drives the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl's face into the floor. From behind, Davisson grabs Martin tiger driver! Rah protests to the referee. Smith goes corkscrew legdrop but Tessa instinctively moves at the last second. Rah helps Martin back into the ring and Smith follows suit.

Martin with an arm wrench, then a forearm smash. Legsweep faceslam brings the American Girl down. Smith back up...PIZZA CUTTER! Smith pinned. The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]

WINNER: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin @ 6:45

BACKSTAGE
Mitt Romney held a ‘press availability’ (isn’t that a press conference?) get together in the back and had this to say…

Romney: “I’d like to congratulate Rick Santorum on his win Tuesday night. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t mean a hill of gourmet beans imported from the finest coffee fields in Colombia because I will be the Republican taking on Barack Obama in the fall.”

PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein then asked Mitt how it couldn’t mean something after he went to great trouble to take out Rev. Richardson earlier in the night. Romney disputed that ‘he’d’ gone after anyone. He blamed the attack on Rev. Richardson on Santorum’s record when he was part of the PCW Executive Committee. Bernstein again asked how. Romney replied, “… Santorum never et an earmark he didn’t like, now when his wrestler (Richardson) gets instead of doing the responsible thing and toeing the line on spending he goes out and buys another wrestler (A-Bomb).”

Bernstein then asked if the win was a significant setback for Romney. Mitt said it wasn’t because he really didn’t try to win that hard.

“I could have tried to win a lot harder, perhaps, but I didn’t so it really doesn’t hurt me too bad in the grand scheme of things.”

Bernstein: “If you weren’t really trying that much, why did you have Richardson taken out before the match?”

Romney sputtered around the subject and then declared he’d ‘try harder’ tonight. He then laid out a challenge to A-Bomb to face Yamamoto Tanaka tonight and claimed that PCW Competition Committee Chief John Boehner (R-OH) had already signed off on the match.

Out of nowhere, Code Pink runs out. She tries to fire a Glitter Bomb at Romney but out comes Arizona’s Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former city police officers fired for their extreme brand of justice, with Sheriff Joe Arpaio. They collar Code Pink and drag her away before she can reach Romney.

‘The Massachusett’s Redblood then walked away with his entourage in search of gourmet beans imported from the finest coffee fields in Colombia.

Then Mrs. Miyagi, former manager of the PCW Champion Daniel-San, walked out with her new wrestler- HALITOSIS (I)!


Halitosis (I) with Mrs. Miyagi

‘The Luchador with the Insanely Bad Breath’ Halitosis
HT: 5’8, WT: 170, HOME: Cabo Wabo, Mexico
FIN: Breath of Death
MGR: Mrs. Miyagi

Suave: It’s Halitosis versus…Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy? Who the hell is Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy?

Another excerpt from Jesusland vs. Progressiveville:
“EXCUSE ME!” Lingerie Girl sprang to her feet and wagged her finger at Rah. “I’ll have you know that…hey…”

She looked down. Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy was affectionately licking her feet.

“No! No, no, no!” Lingerie Girl said, pulling her feet back and then hopping up and down. She bent down and rubbed the top of her foot with her hand to get the slobber and drool off.

Suave: “Ew, lovely.”

MATCH #2
Halitosis (I)
vs.
Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy (I)


[The bell rings...Halitosis kicks Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy in the groin. Snap mare takeover. Headlock takedown. Halitosis...BREATHES IN NYE'S FACE!. Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy drops to the mat. Halitosis hooks the leg. Referee makes the count. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]

WINNER: Halitosis @ :41

Suave: “Okay. First Newt Tron Bomb comes back Tuesday night with his lethal flatulence otherwise known as ‘Silent, But Deadly.’ Now, Halitosis? The WWE wouldn’t do this type of crap-”

Suave: “Okay. I take that back.”

Suave then talks about the major controversy from last week’s Super Bowl.

The God Squad…

Rev. Oral Hinnrich
HT: 6-0 WT: 190, HOME: Biloxi, Mississippi
FIN: P.O.C. (Power of Christ)
MGR: Sister Mary Marlboro

Rev. Buddy Flambe
HT: 5-11 WT 189, HOME: Beaumont, Texas
FIN: P.O.C.

…then come out to complain about Madonna’s ‘inappropriate’ Super Bowl halftime show.

Rev. Flambe: “Why can’t they bring in good, wholesome entertainment?”

Rev. Hinnrich agreed. He suggested bringing back ‘Up With People.’

Suave: “Oh, dear. No. No, no, no…no.”

Backstage
Vince Giordano, Vice President of the New Jersey Education Association, spoke with Bernstein about his opposition to school vouchers. Bernstein asked Giordano if it was fair for poor students to be stuck in failing schools.

Giordano: “Well, life’s not always fair and I’m sorry about that.”

Out of nowhere, the Jersey Boyz Vinnie and Frankie (R) tackle Giordano and there’s a brawl when ‘The Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty of the California Teacher’s Union comes to his aid. Chris Christie (R-NJ) came out and delivered this diatribe:

Christie: “I cannot express how disgusted I am by that statement. But I also have to tell you I’m not the least bit surprised because I think it so succinctly captures what their position- their real position- is.”

Suave: “For not being able to express his disgust, he’s doing a pretty good job of expressing his disgust.”

Christie went on to call Giordano’s comments ‘puffed up rich man’s baloney’ and again the Jersey Boyz attacked- this time against the CTU. A referee came out and we had ourselves an impromptu match…

MATCH #3
The California Teacher’s Union: Andy ‘The Foul Pole’ Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D)
vs.
The Jersey Boyz: Vinnie and Frankie (R) w/Chris Christie (R-NJ)


[...Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker hits the ring and takes out the referee. James the Jeep Worker a jawbreaker on Vinnie. Big Labor splashes Frankie in the corner. Giordano cheers as Frankie gets suplexed by Big Labor. Inverted atomic drop on Vinnie by Golatta. Now, guillotine choke on Vinnie. Christie in the ring! Big splash to James the Jeep Worker. Christie decks Giordano from the ring apron and follows him to the floor. Wait! That's Scott Walker (R-WI) and Mitch Daniels (R-IN) coming to the ring! And they're bringing the Roy Boys! T-Roy and K-Roy hit the ring to even the odds. K-Roy pokes Golatta in the eyes...Evenflow DDT by T-Roy! K-Roy drags Vinnie over and puts him on Golatta for a pin. The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]

WINNER: The Jersey Boyz @ 9:30

Both tag teams barely have enough time to get out of the ring before both A-Bomb and Tanaka come brawling down the ramp.


A. Tom Bomb (R) w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb

[A-Bomb punches Tanaka over and over. Tanaka finally tackles A-Bomb and roll around the floor. Then Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) run down and start beating on A-Bomb. Walstreit hits with the back of his elbow while Big Oil delivers a kick to the head. Daisy Cutter-Bomb jumps on Big Oil's back. He lifts her up and Samoan Drops her to the floor. Tanaka and Big Oil whip A-Bomb into the steel barricade. Then Tanaka lifts him up...PILEDRIVER.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Big Oil then delivers an Oklahoma Driller and finally security gets down to the ring. Both A-Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb are laid out on the floor as the show ends.

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