Sunday, December 18, 2011

Daniel-San (I) Retains, Merchants of Death (R) Regain Women’s Tag Team Title: PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville Report

Before a capacity crowd at Evansville‘s Roberts Arena, Daniel-San (I), backed by Mrs. Miyagi, survived a three-way dance to retain the PCW Title in the main event of PCW’s Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV show tonight.

Daniel-San beat back a hard challenge from former champion O’Beck Bahama (D) to hold on to the title.  Bahama nearly had Daniel-San in the Bahama Backbreaker but the champion slipped out in the nick of time.  After sending Bahama into the ropes, Daniel-San nailed a missile drop kick that sent the former champion to the mat.  Daniel-San wasted no time in applying the Cattle Mutilation submission hold to get the win at 17:49.
Bahama eliminated Magnum P.O.’d (R), backed by Newt Gingrich (R-GA), early in the match at the 6:35 mark, stopping Magnum’s run of wins in PCW and slowing Gingrich’s momentum as he heads towards PCW’s Drama in Des Moines supershow on January 3rd.

The only title change of the night took place when Republican‘s Merchants of Death (Angel Scott and Angel Casey) regained the PCW Women’s Tag Team title from Kelly and Korey Korver (D) in a tag team three way dance that also included the Mercenaries (Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski).

Scott and Casey hit the Death Spiral Drop on Kelly Korver at 10:06 to secure the win and the women’s tag team belts just seconds after eliminating the Mercenaries’s McGill using the same finisher.

In the opening match of the night, ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) reemerged as a legitimate contender to the Women’s title as she defeated Kathryn Randall Collins (D) in a return match for the Women’s #1 contender spot.

The match turned when Democrat activists Women for Women (Code Pink and Emily List) tried to interfere.  Code Pink blinded KRC by mistake with a glitter bomb and then Smith tossed both out of the ring before pinning Collins with a roll up at 9:51 in the match.

After the match, Democrats Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV) ‘congratulated’ Smith on her win but per PCW CEO Barack Obama’s (D-IL) orders, she would have to defeat  KRC a second time before becoming the Women’s #1 contender.   The rubber match will be held at Drama at Des Moines on January 3rd.

In other results from the PPV show:

Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the Kirk Herbstreit man crush (R) flexed their corporate muscle and defeated Democrats The California Teacher’s Union (‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty) and the team of Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) and Average Joe (Tea Party)

‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) vs. Current TV’s Keith Olbermann (D) went to a no contest when the Angry Left Wing Bloggers and the Right Wing Brigadiers hit the ring and turned the match into a free-for-all.
Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) retained the PCW Tag Team Title  even though they lost via count-out to The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt.

PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) was stunned by  PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) in an intergender grudge match instigated by Chism’s sexist behavior towards Salinas.

In the final Republican Rumble of 2011, ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott w/Mitt Romney (R-MA) held off K-Roy w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA), Jim Schmidt w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and a resurgent Texas Jack w/Rick Perry (R-TX) who had his best outing in some time and nearly stole the match from Scott.  Nikki Haley (R-SC), who declared her support for Mitt Romney earlier in the show, ran in and distracted Texas Jack long enough for the ‘American Citizen’ to dispatch him over the ropes.

Thursday night, PCW will hold a post- Jesusland vs. Progressiveville retrospective show before heading into the Christmas/New Year’s break.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Final PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV Card



Rematch- Women’s Division #1 Contender Match
‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Smith and Collins had an epic battle Thursday night on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN and KRC picked up the win with a little tug on Smith’s tights. Smith vows to even the score next Sunday night in a match that current PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) will be keeping close tabs on.

Grudge Match #1
Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) and Average Joe (Tea Party) vs. The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) vs. Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (R) w/Texas Tex and CEO Gordon Guyko

Blackwell and Big Union have fought for several months over just who is the crusader for the middle class. Big Union has been fighting with Corporate Might over just about everything. The feuds converge into this three way tag team dance. Who will come out ahead- Big Union backed by the Democrats? Corporate Might backed by the Republicans? Or Charlie Blackwell and Average Joe?

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match-Three Way Dance:
(c) The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) vs. Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)

Well, at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville the feud between the Korver Sisters and Merchants of Death was already going to explode. Adding the always dangerous Mercenaries to the mix?

Grudge Match #2
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) vs. Current TV’s Keith Olbermann (D)

They’re on the cover of the upcoming book Jesusland vs. Progressiveville. It’s fitting that Palin and Olbermann have another epic match at the J vs. P PPV.

PCW Men’s Tag Team Title Match:
(c) Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) vs. The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt

Big Union won the title from Ron Paul’s protegees on November 21nd. The Schmidt Brothers, three time holders of the PCW Tag Team Titles, shoot for a fourth title reign at J vs. P.

Grudge Match #3
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) vs. PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I)

Chism has held multiple titles in PCW. Valora has held multiple titles in various promotions. Does Chism truly know what he’s getting himself into? Or will Valora be overmatched by Chism and his political friends.

The Final Republican Rumble of 2011
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA)
K-Roy (R) w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX)
Farmer John (R) w/Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Jim Schmidt (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX)
The Right Rev. Randy Richardson (R) w/Rick Santorum (R-PA)

PCW Title Match:
(c) Daniel-San (I) vs. Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D)

The bellwether match headed into 2012. Nuff said.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Rick Perry: Strong or Maybe Too Strong?- PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN

PCW Extreme Political TV Recap
SIU Arena
Carbondale, IL
Monday December 12th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


It’s the final show of the PCW Tour Across the Heartland and the go home show for next week’s Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.

Rick Perry (R-TX) comes out and introduces his new commercial, ‘Strong’…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAJNntoRgA

The video barely ends when Def Leppard‘s “Tear It Down” plays over the loudspeaker, heralding the appearance of PCW Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Suave: “Maybe the video is a little- too ‘strong.’”

WTF grabs Perry by the throat, lifts, and choke slams him to the mat.

Suave: “You know, Perry could have made his point about the ‘war on religion’ without specifically naming gays.”

BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein
interviews ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R).  Smith is upset over what went down last week during her women’s #1 contender’s match against Kathryn Randall Collins (D).

REPLAY: PCW Politics is War last Thursday night…Smith locks Collins up in the cobra clutch.   Then Union Maid, Soccer Mom, and Code Pink (D) hit the ring.  Soccer Mom yells “It’s For the Children!”  and belts Smith in the mouth with a right hand.  Code Pink fires off a Glitter Bomb and blinds Smith.

Code Pink (D) walks out and mocks Smith.  Smith challenges her to come into the ring.  Code Pink feigns going in but then KRC attacks Smith from behind.  Collins seems to have the upper hand but Smith slips behind her and slapped on an Elevated Double Chickenwing.  Pink tried to get into the ring but the ‘Trailer Park Queen’ Lani Harlot runs up and pulls her back down.  Harlot slams Pink to the floor and puts her in the White Trash Compactor.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #1
Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) vs. Big Oil (R) w/Kirk Walstreit

…Big Oil into the ropes.  Blackwell drops down to the mat.  When Big Oil rebounds back, Blackwell tries to kip up but Walstreit blocks him.  Walstreit then boots Blackwell in the head.

The crowd stands when PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker  (D), run in and attack Big Oil.   ‘The King of Big Labor,’ the AFL-CIO‘s Richard Trumka, goes over to the broadcast table and tells Suave that even though Blackwell has said critical things about big unions, here they are coming to his rescue- proof positive that labors are the saviors of the middle class.

Blackwell skips out of the ring and grabs a chair.  He pops back in and brains Big Labor over the noggin with the chair.  Trumka is incensed and starts yelling at Blackwell.  James the Jeep Worker runs at him and gets clobbered by a chairshot, too.  Blackwell turns to Walstreit- chairshot.  Big Oil- chairshot.

BACKSTAGE
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) walks into the arena.  Suave reminds us what happened to her last week.

REPLAY: PCW Politics is War last Thursday night
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin, one half of the cover for the novel Jesusland vs. Progressiveville, is laid out on the floor unconscious.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!  SOMEONE TOOK OUT THE ALASKAN PITBULL!  WHO DID IT?  WE’LL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.

Suave says we’ll find out tonight who attacked Palin.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gkj_kWh7sZI
Xavier vs. Cincinnati

Suave: “Oh, that wasn’t a wrestling match.  My bad.

Kathryn Randall Collins in in the ring with the leader of the PCW Executive Committee Harry Reid (D-NV) and former leader of the PCW Competition Committee Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and she’s pissed.  KRC tells the crowd if Sarah Mae Smith wants a fight, she’s got one.  With Pelosi and Reid nodding, KRC challenges Smith to an old fashioned street fight next Sunday night at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.

Suave then reviews the ongoing feud between PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I).

REPLAY: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- December 1st
…Chism pulls out an apron next.  He rolls Valora over and puts the apron on her.  Kim and Kourtney laugh at the PCW Women’s Champion.  Chism says Valora will never, ever be good enough to be in the same ring with him.  He adds that Valora should go back home, have babies, and leave pro wrestling to the big boys.


REPLAY: PCW Extreme Political TV- December 5thPCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian come out to confront Valora.  From behind, six foot two, two hundred pound Cassidy McConnell (D) jumps Valora and choke slams her. 

REPLAY: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- December 8th
…Valora opens up the briefcase she’s had with her all night long- inside is a French Maid’s uniform.  She then dresses Chism up in the outfit and flips him off as she leaves.

Suave: “Next.  Valora Salinas in action against Cassidy McConnell (D).  If Valora can defeat the six foot four giant, she will get Stone Chism one on one next week at J vs. P.

COMMERCIAL BREAK



Suave: “So, who attacked Palin last week?”

Except from the upcoming book: Jesusland vs. Progressiveville by Mr. A. Nominous
Solo, fighting back tears, grabbed a crowbar from a rack of tools at the front of the trailer and walked back to the box.  He jammed the crowbar hard into the area where the top of the box was nailed down and forced it open.
“Holy crap!” said Lingerie Girl. 
It was Alaskan President Sarah Palin- tied up and gagged inside the box.

CHAPTER SIX
Standing off to the side of I-95 behind Ron Solo’s truck, Lingerie Girl and Ninja Kitty untied President Palin and threw the ropes into the ditch below. 
“Are you okay?” asked Lingerie Girl.
“You betcha I am,” Palin responded.  “Oh, boy.  I can’t believe this happened to me.”
“What exactly happened?”
“My staff had to take the carcass of the oversized duck I shot to a local meat packer to store until we were ready to return to Alaska.” 
“Oversized duck?” said Lingerie Girl.
“Long story,” Rebecca bellowed from inside the trailer. 
“Oh.”
Palin continued: “I was walking back to the hotel and someone snuck up behind me and knocked me out.  The next thing I knew, I was inside this dark box and couldn’t move my arms or legs.”
“Do you know where they were taking you?” Ninja Kitty asked.
“No clue.”
“It was Markos, Arianna Huffington, and Chris Matthews who put Solo up to this.  They wanted to deliver you to the Olbermann Empire at 30 Rock.”
—————

Markos Moutilsas, Arianna Huffington, and Chris Matthews (D) walk out.

Suave: “I knew it!  It was you!”

Markos: “We would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”

MATCH #3- PCW Women’s Title Match
(c) Valora Salinas (I) vs. Cassidy McConnell (D) w/’The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian

McConnell comes out first with Chism and Kim and wonders where Valora is.  Then the champion slides out from under the ring.  She pushes McConnell’s legs off the ring apron and the 6-4 giant falls, hitting her thigh hard on the corner of the ring.  Chism and Kim try to help McConnell up.  Valora goes top rope…AZTEC MOONSAULT!  Chism and Kim are wiped out.

Valora drags McConnell back to the ring and cinches in the figure four leg lock.  McConnell taps out frantically and Valora wins her match this Sunday against Chism.

WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Valora Salinas @ 1:10

The final card for PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville:

Rematch- Women’s Division #1 Contender Match
‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Smith and Collins had an epic battle Thursday night on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN and KRC picked up the win with a little tug on Smith’s tights. Smith vows to even the score next Sunday night in a match that current PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) will be keeping close tabs on.

Grudge Match #1
Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) and Average Joe (Tea Party) vs. The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) vs. Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (R) w/Texas Tex and CEO Gordon Guyko

Blackwell and Big Union have fought for several months over just who is the crusader for the middle class. Big Union has been fighting with Corporate Might over just about everything. The feuds converge into this three way tag team dance. Who will come out ahead- Big Union backed by the Democrats? Corporate Might backed by the Republicans? Or Charlie Blackwell and Average Joe?

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match-Three Way Dance:
(c) The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) vs. Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)

Well, at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville the feud between the Korver Sisters and Merchants of Death was already going to explode. Adding the always dangerous Mercenaries to the mix?

Grudge Match #2
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) vs. Current TV’s Keith Olbermann (D)

They’re on the cover of the upcoming book Jesusland vs. Progressiveville. It’s fitting that Palin and Olbermann have another epic match at the J vs. P PPV.

PCW Men’s Tag Team Title Match:
(c) Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) vs. The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt

Big Union won the title from Ron Paul’s protegees on November 21nd. The Schmidt Brothers, three time holders of the PCW Tag Team Titles, shoot for a fourth title reign at J vs. P.

Grudge Match #3
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) vs. PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I)

Chism has held multiple titles in PCW. Valora has held multiple titles in various promotions. Does Chism truly know what he’s getting himself into? Or will Valora be overmatched by Chism and his political friends.

PCW Title Match:
(c) Daniel-San (I) vs. Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D)

The bellwether match headed into 2012. Nuff said.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Romney and Paul Scheme Against Gingrich: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 2



PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 2
QWest Center
Omaha, NE
Thursday December 8th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #3
T-Roy and K-Roy (R) vs. The Green World Order: ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA (D)




The Republicans new tag team get set to debut.  But first, GreenPete gets on the mic to say a couple words.  GreenPete quotes from an article in Germany‘s Der Spiegel magazine ‘the Republican race is dominated by ignorance, lies and scandals. The current crop of candidates for PCW CEO have shown such a basic lack of knowledge that they make George W. Bush look like Einstein. The Grand Old Party is ruining PCW’s reputation.’

GreenPete then calls T-Roy and K-Roy the poster children for the stupid, redneck, uncivilized rabble the Republicans attract.  GreenPete protests the impending violence inside the ring while outside the ring with the Occupy Wall Street folks: Nate, Shane, and Adam.

T-Roy: Listen, are you here to wrassle or are you here to run your pie-hole all night long?”
Lee answers the question by tackling T-Roy and the match is on.

…K-Roy drops the elbow on GreenPete.  Brock Cole Lee runs in, K-Roy tosses him into the corner.  Nate from the OWS comes up behind K-Roy.  He goes for the Occupation Obliteration but T-Roy slams a steel chair over Nate’s head.  K-Roy stomps him a bit then  sets up the table.  Shane and Adam of the OWS in…T-Roy in with a chair and blasts Shane right into Adam.  K-Roy then hits a K-Bomb through the table on GreenPete and that’s it…1…2…3.

WINNER: K-Roy and T-Roy (R) @ 15:09

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Alec Baldwin headed for the ring.  Suave replays what went down Monday night on PCW Extreme Political TV.

Replay: PCW Extreme Political TV
American Airlines Flight Attendent defeated Alec Baldwin @ 7:22
-it all began with a flight attendant scolded Baldwin for playing ‘Word with Friends’ on his iPad while the airplane was at the gate.  Baldwin then got up and demanded to know what her name was and it escalated from there.

Baldwin whips out his iPad and says: “I’m just so mad, I’m just going to…going to…” Then he feverishly types something on his iPad.  “There!  I guess I told you huh?”

Suave: “He just tweeted from the ring.  How cool.”

Baldwin goes into a full fledged rant about Republicans and even notes that he changed his description on twitter to Conservative Christian, Gun Lover, Mom.  He goes off on the Flight Attendent who ‘got the better of him’ Monday night and calls her someone who walks the aisles of an airplane with a whistle around their neck and a clipboard in their hands and they have made flying a Greyhound bus experience.’

Baldwin turns to leave but is interrupted by Greyhound CEO Dave Leach carrying a piece of luggage.   Leach is unhappy over the actor’s Greyhound bus reference and lets him have it.

Leach: “First of all, we have hundreds of new buses in our fleet where we’ve added more legroom, leather seats, power outlets and free Wi-Fi,” Leach notes. “I think you especially would find the latter two amenities exciting, because we don’t require our customers to turn off their electronic devices…ever. You could therefore play Words With Friends® during your entire trip and nobody would give you any grief over it.”
Baldwin dismisses Leach and starts to climb out of the ring.  Leach swings his luggage and blasts Baldwin in the back with it- causing the actor get himself hung up in the ropes.

Leach: “Should you still decide not to try us, even after I’ve shared with you all of the exciting changes we’ve made here at Greyhound, all I ask from you is a simple apology.  We are not the same company we used to be … Greyhound is an American icon, a proud company that many people depend on to get them to their destinations, the same people who watch your films and TV show.”

Leach then cracks Baldwin again with the luggage and leaves.

MATCH #4
California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) w/Pet Governor Jerry Brown (D-CA) vs. Tommy Frick and Ralphie Fraack (I)
Golatta hits the ‘Foul Pole’ on Frick and this one’s quick and easy.

WINNER: California Teacher’s Union @ 1:11

BACKSTAGE
In the business office, there’s a huge brouhaha about the night’s receipts.  Jon Corzine is surrounded by PCW officials.

Corzine: “I simply do not know where the money is, or why the accounts have not been reconciled to date.”

Corzine added that he was “stunned” to learn that he could not account for the money.   Then a cannonball blasted through the wall whizzed by Corzine’s head before exiting through another wall.

Suave: “What the f-”



Suave: “OHHHHHHH!  It makes perfect sense now.”

Mythbuster Adam Savage enters the room.  “Yeah, sorry about that.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK 

Separate shots of both Keith Olbermann (D) and ‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) entering the QWest Center earlier in the evening.  Olbermann and Palin are ‘cover boy and girl’ for the upcoming Jesusland vs. Progressiveville novel due out next month.



MITT ROMNEY (R-MA) HEADQUARTERS
Supporter John Sununu (R-NH) bangs his fist on the table and says: ““The off-the-cuff comment, for example, that Gingrich throws out on occasion is a reflection on the off-the-cuff thinking that he goes through to deal with issues, and that is not what you want in a commander in chief.”

Romney tries to psych up his wrestler, ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) before his big match against O’Beck Bahama (D).

Suave notes that Romney would like nothing more than to stem the big momentum swing in Newt Gingrich’s (R-GA) favor by having Scott knock off long time rival Bahama.

RON PAUL’S (R-TX) HEADQUARTERS
As Ron Paul also frets about Gingrich’s rise, Jack Schmidt (R) paces back and forth.  Paul tries to think of some way to ‘expose’ Gingrich’s weaknesses.

MAIN EVENT:
O’Beck Bahama (D) vs. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA)

Both men have put on absolute top notch matches against each other over the past four years.  This one is no exception.  Bahama seems to be rounding back into form.  Scott is as focused as ever.  The match turns when…

…Jack Schmidt is out!  He runs to the ring and he’s got a brick!  Bahama has Scott set up for the Bahama Backbreaker.  Schmidt climbs up the corner turnbuckle and puts the brick in the rear of his trunks.

Suave: “HE’S GOING TO TRY TO DROP A SCHMIDT-BRICK ON BAHAMA!”

Schmidt turns his back and jumps.  Bahama whips Scott forward and Schmidt nearly takes his head off.

Suave: “HE MISSED.  SCOTT GOT SCHMIDT-BRICKED INSTEAD!”
Scott out.  Bahama makes the easy cover.  1…2…3.

WINNER: O’Beck Bahama (D)

Suave:  So, the PCW Title Match at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville will be a three way dance between champion Daniel-San (I), Magnum P.O.’d (R), and former  champion O’Beck Bahama (D).  That’s all for this-”

BACKSTAGE
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin, one half of the cover for the novel Jesusland vs. Progressiveville, is laid out on the floor unconscious.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!  SOMEONE TOOK OUT THE ALASKAN PITBULL!  WHO DID IT?  WE’LL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.

“I Love Watching the Left Do Sexism”- Johnny Suave: 12/8-PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 1



PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 1
QWest Center
Omaha, NE
Thursday December 8th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


Suave: “TEN days away from PCW’s Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV show!




The year is 2017.  In a world where harsh divisions and economic strife have pulled the United States apart, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting the, now, free city of Washington D.C. and the American Reconciliation Summit- an attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again.

But when a multi-national mega-corporation with another agenda in mind attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey and Kate face their biggest challenge to date.  With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit?  Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.

Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.

Suave runs down the card to date:

PCW Title Match:
(c) Daniel-San (I) vs. Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA)

PCW Men’s Tag Team Title Match:
(c) Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) vs. The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match-Three Way Dance:
(c) The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) vs. Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)

PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) comes out and welcomes everyone to Iowa…no, I mean Kansas…no Nebraska.

Obama announces that he is once again is going around the PCW Competition Committee and booking a very special match for tonight’s show.  His former protegee O’Beck Bahama (D) goes up against ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) and Obama adds a stipulation- if Bahama wins he will be added to the PCW title match at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville.  If Scott wins, he will take the place of fellow Republican Magnum P.O.’d in the match.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #1- PCW Women’s #1 Contender Match
‘The American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Smith looking for a shot at the reigning PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I).  KRC wants her shot at winning back the PCW Women’s title.

…Smith in control.  She locks Collins up in the cobra clutch.   Then Union Maid, Soccer Mom, and Code Pink (D) hit the ring.  Soccer Mom yells “It’s For the Children!”  and belts Smith in the mouth with a right hand.  Code Pink fires off a Glitter Bomb and blinds Smith.  Union Maid lifts her up and gets ready to deliver the Scabbuster when…

Suave: “IT’S LANI HARLOT- THE TRAILER PARK QUEEN!”



Lani Harlot w/the White Trash Posse: Shane and Jeff

Harlot and the Posse clean house.  Outside the ring, Harlot drags Soccer Mom down and locks in the White Trash Compactor.



Back in the ring, Smith connects with a missile drop kick and rolls up KRC.  But KRC grabs the tights at the last possible second and rolls Smith.  1…2…3.

WINNER: Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Post match, this picture appears on the screen…




Valora storms the ring with a briefcase and cracks it over KRC’s head.  She puts the Democrat in a Bow and Arrow-type submission move and won’t let up.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back from break, PCW Men’s Champion Stone Chism, seconded by Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian, is now in the ring while KRC is being attended to.   Valora stands in the corner and glares at ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List.’ Chism asks that the new PCW Top 5 contenders list be put up.

SINGLES CONTENDERS:
#1- Magnum P.O.’d (R)
#2- ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)
#3- O’Beck Bahama (D)
#4- Charlie Blackwell (I)
#5- Valora Salinas (I)

Chism calls Valora’s appearance in the top 5 a complete joke.  He calls her extreme…

Suave: “Yeah, the Queen of Extreme, thank you.”

…and says she might be able to handle weaklings like Charlie Blackwell (I) but she could not stay in the ring with a man who actually knows what he’s doing- like him.  Kim starts pointing her finger at Valora and shouts something at her.  Valora’s face turns beet red but then she asks for a mic.  She challenges Chism and Kardashian to a tag team match tonight against her and…Kris Humphries!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Suave announces that the match is on between Valora Salinas and Kris Humphries and Stone Chism/Kim Kardashian.

MATCH #2
PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) and Kris Humphries vs. PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian


The match starts and Chism refuses to wrestle Valora.  He demands Humphries gets into the ring instead.

…Humphries tags in and now it’s him vs. Kim.  Kardashian tries to tag out but Chism is busy jawing with some fans.  Valora pounds on the ropes and tells him to go after Kim.  Humphries hesitates.  Valora again exhorts him to wrestle Kim.  Again Humphries dithers.  Finally, Valora climbs through the ropes into the ring.  She gets into Humphries’ face- Kris pushes her back.  Valora kicks him in the balls and hits the stunner.  Kim jumps up and down and claps.  Valora drags Humphries up and whips him into Kim.
They hit head to head and both Kardashian and Humphries are KO’d.  Valora turns Humphries over on top of Kim.  Chism puts one foot in the ring but does not attempt to rescue Kardashian.  1…2…3.

WINNER: Valora Salinas and Kris Humphries @ 8:32

Valora turns her back on Chism for a split second and then catches him trying to Pearl Harbor her.  Chism scrambles back out but Valora grabs him by the hair.  She kicks Chism in the balls and then stuns him, snapping his neck over the top rope and sending the Men’s Champion flying backwards to the floor.

Replay: Last Week on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) snatches Valora from behind.  Lift…HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER ON THE FLOOR!

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Valora’s out.  Chism pulls her up and throws her into the ring.   Kim and Kourtney get in a couple shots.  Chism gets on the mic and chides Valora for actually thinking that she, the PCW Women’s Champion, can compete with him- or any man for that matter.  He slaps her face and the SRB get in a couple more shots.  Chism calls for his bag and a ring tech throws it to him.  He reaches in and pulls out a couple oven mitts.  Chism says it’s time Valora knew her role and that’s in the kitchen.  He puts the oven mitts on her hands.

Suave: “I love watching the left do sexism.”

Chism pulls out an apron next.  He rolls Valora over and puts the apron on her.  Kim and Kourtney laugh at the PCW Women’s Champion.  Chism says Valora will never, ever be good enough to be in the same ring with him.  He adds that Valora should go back home, have babies, and leave pro wrestling to the big boys.

Valora opens up the briefcase she’s had with her all night long- inside is a French Maid’s uniform.  She then dresses Chism up in the outfit and flips him off as she leaves.

END OF HOUR ONE

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Obama in Kansas- “Good to be in Texas”: 12/5-PCW Extreme Political TV Recap

PCW Extreme Political TV Recap
Gallagher-Iba Arena
Stillwater, OK
Monday December 5th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


MATCH #1
American Airlines Flight Attendent defeated Alec Baldwin @ 7:22

-it all began with a flight attendant scolded Baldwin for playing ‘Word with Friends’ on his iPad while the airplane was at the gate.  Baldwin then got up and demanded to know what her name was and it escalated from there.

BCS Chief Bill Hancock walks out and is roundly booed by the Stillwater crowd.  Hancock crows that ‘once again,  the BCS has delivered.’  He says the best two teams, Alabama and LSU, are in this game and ‘obviously, the media who votes in the AP poll, agrees with it.’

Charlie Blackwell and his Les Miserables walk out and calls the BCS a fraud.

Hancock: “In the BCS, every game counts.”

Blackwell: “Tell that to Boise State.   The Mountain West.  The Mid-American Conference.”

Then Oklahoma State Coach Mike Gundy comes out and let’s the BCS have it in his own inimitable style…

Suave: “Isn’t Mike Gundy 43 now?”

Hancock is tackled from behind by Boise State football coach Chris Peterson.  Then the University of Alabama field goal kicker runs out.  He tries to kick Peterson…but he misses.  The kicker tries again…he misses a second time.  The kicker keeps trying…but he keeps missing the mark.

PCW CEO Barack Obama at Osawatomie, Kansas

Obama: “Good to be back in Texas.”

Suave: “Huh?  You know if Rick Perry or Sarah Palin or any other conservative candidate would said that, it’d be all over the news.  Kansas.  Texas.  Pre-law.  Pre-med.”


MATCH #2 PCW Women’s Title Match
(c) Valora Salinas (I) retains the title over Union Maid (D) @ 9:02


Post match, PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian come out to confront Valora.  From behind, six foot two, two hundred pound Cassidy McConnell (D) jumps Valora and choke slams her.   Kim gets in a few cheap shots and then the trio split when The Mercenaries: former Army Ranger Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) make the save.

MAIN EVENT:
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) w/Texas Tex def. Charlie Blackwell and Average Joe (I) @ 11:47

Big Oil and Walstreit get the win when BCS chief Bill Hancock comes out again and distracts Blackwell.

Post match, rich, fat cat representatives of the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta Bowl attack Blackwell and Average Joe, for good measure.

Big Oil gets on the mic and demands a title shot against Tag Team champions Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Cain Suspends PCW CEO Campaign: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN recap- Hour 2



PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 2
Peoria Civic Center
Peoria, IL
Thursday December 1st, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


MATCH #3
Jerome Simpson (Cincinnati Bengals)
vs.
Scott Fujita (Cleveland Browns)


First one knocked off his feet loses the match. (see You Tube video)

WINNER: Scott Fujita @ :09

New York Time’s columnist David Brooks cuts a promo on the Huntsman Girls and criticizes their new video (see hour 1).  After admitting that he was a ’19 century guy’, Brooks had this to say…
Brooks: “Unless you’re as cool as Justin Timberlake, don’t do Justin Timberlake. It’s why the Mormon Tabernacle Choir does not do Kanye West, and so, I like dignity in daughters. And so, I never like these moments.”

Afterwards, all three Huntsman girls came out and knocked Brooks silly all the way back into the 19th century.

COMMERCIAL BREAK
Daily Caller-”Brooks to Huntsman girls: ‘Unless you’re as cool as Justin Timberlake, don’t do Justin Timberlake’”

Backstage
Herman Cain (R-GA) goes into a room to discuss the future of his run for PCW CEO with his wife.
Suave: “The scuttlebutt is that the ongoing rumors about his possible affairs combined with the injury that Pizza Delivery Guy Josh Jackson (R) suffered at Oakland University during a Republican gauntlet match three weeks ago may push Cain out of the race.  Stay tuned.

MATCH #4
O’Beck Bahama (D) vs.  Charlie Blackwell (I) w/’No Frills’ Chris Escondido

Bahama gets the pin with the help of Big Union.  Midway through the match, Democrats ‘The Self-Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor, James the Jeep Worker, Union Maid, and the California Teacher’s Union: Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty came out with ‘the permission of the National Labor Relations Board’  and ambushed Blackwell in the ring.

WINNER: O’Beck Bahama @ 7:49

COMMERCIAL BREAK: in less than three weeks, PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.  Brought to you by the upcoming novel Jesusland vs. Progressiveville.




The year is 2017.  In a world where harsh divisions and economic strife have pulled the United States apart, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting the, now, free city of Washington D.C. and the American Reconciliation Summit- an attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again.

But when a multi-national mega-corporation with another agenda in mind attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey and Kate face their biggest challenge to date.  With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit?  Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.

Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.

MATCH #4
‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (I) w/Rah vs. Soccer Mom (D)
Soccer Mom shouts out “It’s for the children” everytime she hits a move.  Martin, who’s featured in the upcoming book Jesusland vs. Progressiveville with Rah, hits the Pizza Cutter on her for the good of everyone in the building.

WINNER: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin @ 5:55

Herman Cain walks out after the match and announces he suspending his campaign for PCW CEO.   He repeatedly called the allegations made against him of misconduct “false and untrue” and added that “the media spin hurts.”

Suave adds that Josh Jackson will be out six months due to a rotator cuff injury.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #5
Case Keenum, University of Houston Quarterback (Non-BCS) vs.  Southern Mississippi Quarterback Austin Davis (Non-BCS)

Can Davis stop Keenum’s drive towards a huge BCS payday for the University of Houston Cougars?  Yes, thanks to Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit.  Corporate Might, joined by ESPN analysts Craig James, Mark May, Chris Fowler, and Rece Davis, attack Keenum during the match and allow Davis to get the easy pin.

WINNER: Austin Davis of S. Mississippi and the BCS who gets to keep a non-BCS conference team out of the BCS bowl system @ 8:20

BACKSTAGE
Kourtney Kardashian announces she’s pregnant.

Suave: “The good news is that the baby isn’t Justin Bieber’s.”

MAIN EVENT:
The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski (I) vs.

The Triple Threat: ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R)
McGill and Kovalevski are attacked mid-match by PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim.

The Mercenaries chase Chism towards the back where he is viciously clotheslined by a waiting PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (D).  Valora, extremely pissed off by Chism’s attack on her in hour 1, uses an iron skillet and a cheese grater to leave Chism in a bloody heap in the aisle.

WINNER: No Contest @ 12:26

In the ring, Kim gets ‘Eskimo Pie-Faced’ by Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen and is laid out face down as the show ends.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Ron Paul Goes After Newt Gingrich: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN

PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 1
Peoria Civic Center
Peoria, IL
Thursday December 1st, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave


Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!”

Suave welcomes Peoria to an evening of extreme political action and sends it right to the video screen and the Huntsman Girls.

The Skanky Rich Bimbos: Kim and Kourtney...



…take the ring to a chorus of boos from the Peoria audience.  With her reality show cameras rolling, Kim calls the crowd ‘a bunch of haters’ who don’t understand what it’s like to be her.  She then calls attention to the twin attacks on her and her sister by PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I).



Kim calls Valora a ‘wannabe’ who wishes she could be like her.  Kim then refers to herself and sister Kourtney as the alpha females of PCW because ‘people like you are insanely jealous of people like me.’
The crowd starts a chant of ‘she’s a crack whore.’  Both Kim and Kourtney throw fits in the ring.  Kourtney gets on the mic and tells the crowd they’re ‘pathetic haters who wish they could live the lifestyle they do.’

The crowd roars when Valora finally makes her entrance.  Smirking at the sisters in the ring, the PCW Women’s champion makes her way up but finds six burly bodyguards blocking her way.

Kim then screams at her ‘I’m a brand.  I’m a name.  You’re nothing.  A street urchin who holds a belt!”

Valora shouts something back at Kim and the Skanky Rich Bimbo goes ballistic.  “Get her!” she orders the bodyguards and they attack.

Suave: “Six against one?  Yeah, that’s fair, not!”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back from the break, the reality television cameras get in close to catch all the action.  Valora seizes the opportunity and uses the cable to lay out two bodyguards.  She rips a chair out from under Suave and starts blasting the other bodyguards with chairshots.  After the last bodyguard falls, Valora turns to Kim and Kourtney in the ring and points the chair at them.  Both SRB members look afraid until PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) snatches Valora from behind.  Lift…HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER ON THE FLOOR!

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Valora’s out.  Chism pulls her up and throws her into the ring.   Kim and Kourtney get in a couple shots.  Chism gets on the mic and chides Valora for actually thinking that she, the PCW Women’s Champion, can compete with him- or any man for that matter.  He slaps her face and the SRB get in a couple more shots.  Chism calls for his bag and a ring tech throws it to him.  He reaches in and pulls out a couple oven mitts.  Chism says it’s time Valora knew her role and that’s in the kitchen.  He puts the oven mitts on her hands.

Suave: “I love watching the left do sexism.”

Chism pulls out an apron next.  He rolls Valora over and puts the apron on her.  Kim and Kourtney laugh at the PCW Women’s Champion.  Chism says Valora will never, ever be good enough to be in the same ring with him.  He adds that Valora should go back home, have babies, and leave pro wrestling to the big boys.
This brings out The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski (I).  Chism takes one look at the pair and runs for it.  McGill and Kovalevski chase him to the back.  Then…

Suave: “IT’S KRIS HUMPHRIES!”

Kim’s soon to be ex-husband runs in and Kim and Kourtney high tail it out of there.  Valora stirs and wakes up.  She sees the gloves and apron and goes ballistic.  Then she sees Humphries and snaps.  Kick to the balls, stunner, and the NBA star is laid out on the mat.  She rips off the gloves and apron and takes off towards the locker room.

Suave: “Gee, I wonder if they’ll be an uproar over Chism’s, who’s a Democrat, comments from the Democrats.  Or will they treat it like they do the comments towards Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michele Bachmann?”

*crickets chirping*

Suave: “That’s what I thought.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #1
#1 Contender’s Match
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA)

vs.
Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA)


Replay: #1 contender’s gauntlet match from Monday night.
-Scott, backed by ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA) has Magnum pinned until Magnum’s valet, Robyn Masters entered the ring in her street clothes.  One shot of pepper spray later, Magnum turns the tables and wins the match and the #1 contendership.

Suave explains that before the show, Scott demanded, and was granted, a rematch against Magnum P.O.’d.

…Scott covers…1…2…Magnum kicks out!  Scott stomps Magnum in the corner.  Masters climbs up on the apron and shouts something at Scott.   Scott goes for a whip.  Magnum powers out of it and he hits a few clotheslines.  Magnum for the Porsche Plunge, hits it!  Pin. 1…2….3!!

WINNER: Magnum P.O.’d @ 9:17

Magnum celebrates with Gingrich and Masters in the ring.  Then…

Ron Paul (R-TX) cuts a promo on Gingrich calling him a “serial hypocrite.”  Paul says Gingrich blames the government for the mortgage crisis while forgetting about his lucrative ties to Freddie Mac.  Paul accuses him of “flipping and flopping.

Gingrich calls Paul a perennial fringe candidate.  Paul challenges him.  Gingrich accepts.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #2
The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) w/Jim Schmidt and Ron Paul (R-TX)

vs.
‘The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)

…Gingrich in the corner, trying to take the cover off the top turnbuckle.  Ron Paul tosses in a chair! Jack Schmidt grabs it and nails Earl Loade in the back! Schmidt with a quick roll-up for 1…2..NO!  Jack with a back breaker and another cover…1….2…NO!  Paul exhorts Jack Schmidt on.  Wait a minute.  It’s Magnum P.O.’d (R)!  He slams Schmidt into the exposed turnbuckle!  Loade lifts Jack up; Gary Locke in the ring…Redneck 4-D Deathblast onto the exposed turnbuckle! Good night.  Loade covers…1…2….3!

WINNER: Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade (R) @ 7:54


Suave: “It’s another win for PCW Originals ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade!  Could another run towards the elusive PCW Tag Team title be in their future?  Stay tuned.”

END OF HOUR ONE