Monday, July 28, 2008

PCW Rewind: Dick's Gone Wild House Show

No, it's not what you think... Remember Dick Cheney's hunting mishap? From March, 2006.

BCEW- “DICK’S GONE WILD” HOUSE EVENT AT BCEW HALL, EAGLE ROCK, OHIO

Johnny Suave and his companion, the ever present lifesize cardboard cut out of Shania Twain, stands in the ring at the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock.

Crowd (chanting): BCEW…BCEW…BCEW!

Johnny: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!...

A standing ovation follows from the BCEW Hall crowd.

Johnny: I am Johnny Suave. (points to the cardboard) This hot piece of cardboard is a lifesize cut out of the fabulously hot Shania Twain. Tonight we present to you “Dick’s Gone Wild.” And we have got a terrific show for you tonight. As all of you probably know by now, last weekend before a BCEW house event up in Chelsea, Michigan, there was an incident involving BCEW CEO George W’s aide de camp, Dick while he was hunting on some property outside of town owned by Buckland County resident Ol’ Man Hanson- the crusty, crotchety old man who lives on the corner. But if for some reason you haven’t seen what happened, we’ll show it to you now. (points to the back) Bring down that screen-

Male voice (calls out): No you’re not.

George W’s aide de camp Dick, for once not accompanied by The Mastermind Karl Rove, marches into the ring and confronts Suave.

Crowd (chanting): YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick (to crowd): SHUT UP! (to Johnny) Suave, you’re not showing that video tonight.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO

Dick: My office did not authorize you to show that video. Therefore because my office did not authorize you to show that video, you will not show that video.

Johnny shrugs his shoulders.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO

Johnny: Your office? Your office? This may be a “shot in the dark”…(Suave pauses for the requisite groaning)… but I thought, or at least I was under the impression, that George W was in charge.

Crowd: *Breaks out laughing

Dick: And another thing Suave. Who authorized you to bill tonight’s show as “Dick’s Gone Wild?”

Johnny: (pauses as the crowd makes “Dick’s office” references) Well Dick…(shows him his copy) that’s what it says right here.

Dick (angrily): My office did not authorize that name to be used-

Male voice: HOLD IT!

The crowd acknowledges The American Screamer Howard Dean as he walks to the ring.

Howard Dean: Dick, I listen to you talk about your office and such. I want to know, and I know that everyone else here wants to know, why you have trying to cover up the fact that you shot The Mastermind Karl Rove in the face!

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap), YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick scowls hard at the American Screamer.

Howard Dean: I think the audience here deserves to see just what happened last week. From Eagle Rock to Westville, Fulton, Chelsea, Michigan, Angola, Indiana, all the way to Washington DC. YEEEE-AHHHHHH!

The lights go down.

Dick: NO! YOU WEREN”T AUTHORIZED TO-

The film starts on the projector.

Dick: Oh @#$#!

All Dick can do is dip his head and cover his eyes as the tape begins…

***********************
Dick is crouched down low, pointing a rifle at his target, and totally quiet.

Dick (mimicking Elmer Fudd): Be vewy, vewy qwiet. I’m hunting Qwail.

Dick looks through a scope and prepares to fire.

Dick (whispering to self): Just about there…come on……………come on….

Dick’s finger begins to squeeze the trigger.

Karl Rove’s voice: DICK!

Dick reflexively jerks up and fires a round in the air.

Karl Rove’s voice: HEY DICK!

Dick swings around and fires off two more rounds into the air.

Dick: @#$$! KARL!

The Mastermind Karl Rove walks up along with The Straight Shooter John McCain.

A dead goose falls the ground.

Karl Rove: Dick! Tell John McCain that it’s quail season.

Dick looks incredulous.

Dick: WHAT?

Karl Rove: McCain says it’s open season on something else. Tell him it’s quail season.

Dick: I’m about to shoot a $%$@-ing rifle you $%#-ing idiot! (turns to McCain) What is this all about.

A burning hot air balloon crash lands in the meadow behind them. Two people leap out of the canopy just before it slams into some trees setting them on fire.

John McCain: All I said was that I was declaring open season on pork- by pork of course I am referring to the gross abuse of political earmarks that drive up our federal deficit.

Dick: Okay. Can’t this wait? I’m trying to shoot quail here.

Karl Rove: That’s what I’m saying! It’s quail season!

John McCain: And all I said is that I’m declaring open season on pork!

A dull rumbling sound appears and slowly gets louder.

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Pork season!

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Pork season!

The rumbling sound gets louder. It sounds like a jet engine.

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Quail season!

Karl Rove: Pork season!

John McCain: Quail season!

Karl Rove: Pork season!

An airplane crashes into the forest. The shock from the ensuing explosion causes Dick to recoil and his gun accidently goes off. Dick looks alarmed.

Dick: KARL? HOLY #$#@!

Karl’s face is totally blackened and his glasses are backwards on his face. Karl looks over at John McCain.

Karl Rove (woozily to John McCain): You’re despicable!

Karl falls to the ground.

*************************

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap), YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick (holding hands to ears): SHUT UP!

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick: JUST SHUT UP ALREAD-

A load of buckshot whizzes by Dick’s head.

Dick: WHAT THE @#$#!

Johnny: HOLY CRAP! IT’S OL’ MAN HANSON AND HE IS PISSED! I guess he didn’t take very kindly to Dick ruining his property up in Michigan.

Ol’ Man Hanson aims at Dick and peppers the wall behind the ring.

Ol’ Man Hanson: You burnt down my forest you @#$@$@. Now I’m going to shoot you in the ass with this BB gun!

Dick immediately high tails it back to the locker room with Ol’ Man Hanson right behind him.

*************************

MATCH #1 Little Paulie and Big Paulie of the American Bikers vs. Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peacenik #2 of the Green World Order
The GWO actually had control of the match until Brock Cole Lee went for a springboard move and Big Paulie punched him in the jaw. Little Paulie and Big Paulie had fun tossing the GWO all over the ring but couldn’t get the pin or submission. Little Paulie hits a springboard drop kick and ends the match by hitting Peacenik #2 with the Biker Bar.
**************************

Inside Dick’s office- Dick looks pissed off.

Dick (apparently talking to someone off camera): Yes! I want you to go out there and explain what happened…………………
…………………………….What?.............................I don’t give a @#$# that you can’t see through your bandages. Get the #$#@
out there and tell them this was all your fault.

**************************

Johnny Suave comments at ringside.

Johnny: Okay, I don’t get it. Dick shoots The Mastermind Karl Rove in the face and ROVE has to come out and apologize? What is up with that? (pauses as the crowd reacts to something) And here he comes….

The Mastermind Karl Rove, face covered in bandages and virtually blind, slowly staggers to the ring.

Johnny: Aw come on! He may be a friggin’ genius but he can’t see!

Rove continuously bumps into everything in sight as he tries to get to the ring. He eventually bumps up against the side of the ring and manages to climb in without hurting himself any more.
Rove takes the mic.

Johnny: Well? I guess let’s see what he has to say.

Karl Rove: Mumph…mpufull….mufl….muffl

Johnny: I’m sorry, I can’t understand what he’s saying.

The Mastermind has great difficulty being understood through the bandages.

Karl Rove: Mumph…mpufull….mufl….muffl

Johnny: Right. This is totally ridiculous! He can’t even talk…get him out of there and let’s get to the next match up.

**************************

MATCH #2 Thunderhips- The Ultimate Female vs Trailer Park Honey Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse
BCEW newcomer and extreme fitness guru Thunderhips and Hardy began the bout but the White Trash Posse quickly got in the mix, so Thunderhips makes them pay by hipchecking the White Trash Posse out of the ring with her fit hips of steel. Thunderhips and Hardy squared off but one of the Posse snuck in behind Thunderhips’ back and hit her with a baton. Then the rest of the White Trash Posse tried to beat down Thunderhips but she fought back and finally ejected them from the ring again. She then hit the Trailer Park Honey with a suplex, an acecrusher before unleashing the hips of steel on her. Thunderhips got in a workout tossing around the Trailer Park Honey and in the end she pinned her after hitting one last devastating hip check into the turnbuckle.
**************************
Johnny: An impressive debut for Extreme Fitness Guru Thunderhips the Ultimate Female here at BCEW. We will be hearing more from her. All right, let’s get to the next-

Empress Queen of the Media World Opal Winfree appears with a sheepish looking James “The Little Author” Frey and they walk to the ring.

Johnny: Okay…this wasn’t on the bill for tonight. The Empress Queen of the Media World not happy with the Little Author over a few discrepancies in his book.

Winfree orders Frey into the ring. Reluctantly, Frey complies.

Johnny: I’m not sure who Frey should be more afraid of. The Empress Queen Opal Winfree. Or her rabidly devoted flock who hang on every word she says. Let’s see what she’s got in mind here.

Opal (to The Little Author): James. Do you have something that you want to tell me?

James looks very uncomfortable.

James: *meekly nods yes

Opal (stern, motherly tone): Well?

James: Um…uh………the book.

Opal: What about the book?

James: Uh……well…..er……some of the things in the book……ah…

Opal: Some of the books WHAT!

James: Some of the things in the book……well……they might not have been…….(whispers) true.

Opal: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

James looks even more uncomfortable.

James: I said……some of the things in the book……(a bit louder but still too quiet for Opal to hear) not true.

Opal (angrily): James I can’t hear you.

James: I said some of things in the book wasn’t true.

The crowd gasps. Opal looks very upset.

Opal: I see. Do you have something else you want to tell me?

James looks stricken now.

James: I’m……I’m sorry?

Opal: You’re sorry.

James again meekly nods yes.

Opal: Well James… even though you tarnished my reputation, damaged my credibility, and embarrassed me publicly……I guess I can forgive you.

The crowd applauds.

Opal: But I don’t think my flock will…

Johnny: WHAT?

At that moment, two prominent members of Opal Winfree’s Flock, Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, attack James Frey and start to beat him down.

Johnny: HOLY CRAP! IT’S A TRAP!

Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy pummel The Little Author to the ground.

Johnny: It was a set up! It was a set up all along!

The bell rings.

Johnny: WHAT? We’ve got an impromptu match?

MATCH #3 The Empress Queen of the Media World Opal Winfree with Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy vs. The Little Author James Frey
Soccer Mom holds Frey and allows New Age Sensitive Guy slaps him over and over and over. Soccer Mom shouts out “WE MUST DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN!” and kicks the Little Author in the crotch. “I abhor this stereotypical, testosterone filled violence,” New Age Sensitive Guy says before delivering a series of vicious chops to Frey’s chest. Winfree then walks over to Frey holding a copy of his book in her hand. “Oh no,” Suave says from ringside, “what’s she going to do?” Winfree sticks the book in Frey’s face and rubs his nose on it. Then she smashes it over his head. Then she brutally assaults The Little Author with the hardcover book over and over and over until he can barely sit up. Then she gets the mic again and tells Frey that his real crime was making her look bad and that “no one, I repeat no one, makes Opal Winfree look bad.” Winfree agains whacks Frey over the head with his book. Finally, the final indignation occurs when she rips each and every page out of the book. “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S TEARING HIS BOOK INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES!” Suave says. Once she’s done, she throws what’s left of the book on Frey and leaves the ring.
****************************
Back to Johnny Suave ringside…

Johnny: That’s just sick. All right, as you may know, the last BCEW major event “BCEW’s Backbreak Mountain” crowned a new BCEW Men’s Champion. With the help of the Straight Shooter John McCain, who essentially double-crossed both the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance, “No Frills” Chris Escondido eliminated both the Progressive Alliance’s choice for BCEW Men’s champion Justin Sufferable and the American Patriot’s A. Tom Bomb to win the title. Tonight, we will find out WHO will be the new number one contender for the title. That’s right- an elimination match between Justin Sufferable and A. Tom Bomb.

*****************************

MATCH #4 A Buckland County street fight, A.Tom Bomb of the American Patriots with Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance with NFL All American QB Peyton Manning
Sufferable again was inexplicably accompanied to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Manning (who cost him the BCEW title at the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl when he accidently pulled down the top rope low enough that an off balance Justin Sufferable inadvertently fell out of the ring. The bell rings and A. Tom and Sufferable wasted no time brawling around the building as the crowd chanted "you screwed Justin" at the NFL All American Quarterbaack. A. Tom tossed Sufferable over the rail and into the fans. They fought into the bleachers where Sufferable tossed A. Tom back to the floor and then hit a frog splash. The match finally came back to the ring where Sufferable went to work on A. Tom’s left knee. Sufferable set up a chair but A. Tom reversed it and drove Justin’s head into it. Then the big guy put the chair around Sufferable's head and rammed him into the ringpost. A. Tom went to suplex Sufferable from the top rope but suddenly there was commotion and then the Tree Huggin,’ Mocha Chuggin’, Tobacco Company Buggin’, Insane Extreme Chair Swinging Alpha Male and Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon- Al Gore appeared

“This is going to get real interesting now,” Suave observes as Gore jumped into the ring and took A. Tom Bomb’s knee out. Gore then slid A. Tom’s injured knee into the chair so Sufferable could jump on it from off the top rope causing Daisy Cutter-Bomb to jump into the ring to intervene. NFL All-American QB Manning went to stop her. Bad idea. Daisy kicked Manning in the balls and then followed up with a karate kick to the chin. Manning was driven back into an unsuspecting Gore who in turn accidently crotched Justin Sufferable who was sitting on the top rope turnbuckle. Daisy then moved A. Tom out of the way so Sufferable hit his jaw on the chair when he flopped off the turnbuckle. Daisy Cutter locked in a half crab on Sufferable but out of nowhere the leader of the Progressive Alliance, The American Screamer Howard Dean shoots into the ring and blindsides Daisy from behind. Then the match totally breaks down. George W’s aide de camp Dick rushes out with a bandaged Mastermind Karl Rove carrying a steel-folding chair and orders Rove to get into the ring. After being pointed in the right direction, Rove again somehow climbs into the ring and clobbers Dean over the head with the steel-folding chair. “His eyesight must be getting better,” Suave observes, “cause he just about took Dean’s head off with that chair shot.” *CLANG* “OH!,” Suave exclaims, “He just took out Al Gore!” *CLANG* “Wait a minute? Rove just cracked Daisy Cutter-Bomb over the head with the chair!”

“WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU DOING!” Dick yells at Rove as it is glaringly obvious that he still can’t see very well. Rove swings at A. Tom Bomb. “NOOOO!” Dick shouts. *CLANG* A. Tom Bomb down. *CLANG* Justin Sufferable down too. “I don’t think The Mastermind has a freakin’ clue who he’s hitting,” Suave says as he blindly and wildly flails away clocking NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning in the process. There is another commotion on the floor involving George W’s aide de camp Dick. “WHAT’S THIS?,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! OL’ MAN HANSON HAS DICK CORNERED!”

Ol’ Man Hanson points his BB rifle gun at Dick. He’s trapped with nowhere to run. “Karl!” Dick yells out, “KARL! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!” Rove instinctively moves towards Dick’s voice. The Mastermind nearly walks off the edge of the ring before catching himself and climbing down. “I warned you danggummet,” Ol’ Man Hanson hisses at Dick, “you damaged my property and now I’m going to shoot you in the ass.” Ol’ Man Hanson slowly aims at the cowering Dick. He’s about to fire the gun when….*CLANG* “ROVE TAKES OUT OL’ MAN HANSON WITH A STEEL FOLDING CHAIR!” Suave exclaims, “AND NOW HE’S WALKING TOWARDS DICK!” Dick looks relieved. At least until he realizes that Rove is walking right for him. “Ah…Karl,” Dick says nervously, “Karl. It’s me……..Dick………Karl? KARL!” *CLANG* “THE MASTERMIND JUST TOOK OUT GEORGE W’S AIDE DE CAMP DICK!” Suave says disbelievingly. The crowd chants: “HOLY @#$#...HOLY @#$#” The Mastermind points to his temple to signify for all the world to see that he is- a friggin’ genius.

“Yeah, you’re a freakin’ genius all right,” Suave says, “you took out everybody in sight, the referee just declared the match a no contest, and now we’re not going to find out who the new #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s title will be until the next BCEW major event- the one year anniversary celebration of BCEW. That’s right- “LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 2!!”

Monday, July 21, 2008

PCW Rewind- BCEW Backbreak Mountain

From January 2006 when PCW was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)...
****
BCEW- BACKBREAK MOUNTAIN EVENT @ HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON


The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, stands in the middle of the ring as the capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon chants “BCEW…BCEW.” “Big thing going on!” he says, “big, BIG things!” Suave explains that the Texas Hammer Tom DeLay has stepped down from the American Patriots leadership. “He’s a casualty of the whole Rafael Barry Giambi controversy,” Suave says. The crowd immediately interrupts him and starts a “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” chant. The Rafael Barry Giambi incident stems from the accidental death of the former BCEW champion that was covered up by George W’s aide de camp Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove with assistance from DeLay.

“But there’s other news being made as we speak,” Suave adds, “Sam Alito’s appointment to the BCEW Competition Committee under attack by the Progressive Alliance.”

Sam Alito’s Confirmation Hearing
Alito sits uncomfortably in a chair and is unceremoniously grilled by the Progressive Alliance’s Chuck the Schmuck Schumer and the long lost member of the Kennedy clan who no one knew existed before- Fred Kennedy. “Mr. Alito,” Kennedy says, “besides the fact that George W and the American Patriots deliberately misled everyone about the health of former champion Rafael Barry Giambi-” Orrin Hatch of the American Patriot’s immediately objects and he and Arlin Spector get into it with Kennedy and Schumer. “They’re trying to smear you and they’re doing a crappy of job it!” Hatch roars. “He’s being inconsistent!” returns Kennedy. “Alito could swing the BCEW Competition Committee in the favor of the American Patriots!” whines Schumer, “and he and the American Patriots can’t be trusted!”

“YOU BASTARD!” Alito’s wife blurts out. Then she stands up and runs out in tears. “See what you did?” Hatch says. “Yeah, nice going,” Spector says, “@$#-hole!” “Oh yeah?,” Kennedy says, “unless we get the answers we’re looking for the Progressive Alliance reserves the right to take whatever measures necessary in terms of Mr. Alito’s nomination. “Oh really?” Hatch responds, “you do that and the American Patriots reserve the right to take whatever EXTRAORDINARY measures necessary to ensure that Mr. Alito is given a fair up and down vote.” “OH YEAH?” Schumer pipes in, “we’re willing to take EXTREME measures!” “HA!” Hatch scoffs, “you don’t know the meaning of extreme!” “OH YEAH?” Kennedy says, “we’re more extreme than you are. “OH YEAH?” Hatch responds, “well, WE put the EXTREME in Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!” “Oh please,” shoots back Kennedy, “you’re not remotely as extreme as we are!” “No, we’re more extreme!” Hatch replies. A bell rings.

Then Kennedy checks his watch. “Hey you know what?” he says, “it’s lunch time!” “Yeah. I’m hungry,” Spector agrees. “Me too,” chimes in Schumer. “Let’s break then,” Kennedy says, “anyone up for lunch. I’ll drive. I know this great little restaurant that’s right across a flimsy, wooden bridge over the river. Who wants to ride with me?” Awkward silence follows. Then everyone quickly begs off. “Suit yourself,” Kennedy says.

Back to Suave in the middle of the ring along with his constant companion- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Yeah, yeah,” Suave says as some people give him the business about the cardboard cut-out, “I almost came out tonight with a Sara Evans cardboard cut-out from that video she did.” The crowd cheers. ‘You would have liked that wouldn’t you?” Suave adds.

Suave gets down to the business at hand. “Thanks to an agreement struck by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain with the CEO of BCEW George W,” Suave announces, “tonight in this ring we will determine who will be the new BCEW Men’s champion. A special ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ Twenty five contestants in all!” Suave points to a ladder decorated up to look like a mountain with the BCEW Men’s Championship belt suspended twenty feet in the air. “We will start with four wrestlers in the ring and add one man every minute. Then after we get down to the final four contestants, the first one who climbs ‘Backbreak Mountain’ and grabs the belt will become the NEW BCEW Men’s Champion!”

A Visit to George W’s office
In BCEW CEO George W’s office, W, his aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove look royally pissed off. “Damn that John McCain,” grouses Dick, “you’re the CEO of BCEW. We make the decisions here. Not McCain.” W. reminds Dick that he didn’t have a whole lot of choice after the whole Rafael Barry Giambi fiasco. Again, a chant of “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” starts up. W continues: “YOU guys screwed this up. Not me. I just cleaned up the mess YOU made. The winner of the ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the BCEW Champion.” Dick grimaces and turns to Karl Rove. “I don’t care what you do,” Dick huffs at the Mastermind, “or how you do it. At the end of the night I want A. Tom Bomb’s arm raised up in victory and the BCEW Men’s Championship belt wrapped around his waist. Do you understand me?” The Mastermind nods in the affirmative and then points to his temple to, once again, show just what a freakin’ genius he is.

A Visit to Howard Dean’s office
Inside the office of the leader of the Progressive Alliance, American Screamer Howard Dean, Justin Sufferable sits across the desk from Dean and he doesn’t look very happy. “When I signed up with the Progressive Alliance,” Sufferable steams, “you promised me that you would pave the way for me to become the BCEW Men’s Champion. For nine months, you haven’t done @#$#.” Dean is taken aback. “I want that belt,” Sufferable continues, “and you and if that belt isn’t wrapped around my waist at the end of tonight I just might have to look at- other options.” Dean tries to reassure him. Sufferable isn’t listening. He yanks Dean up by the shirt collar. “Let me make this clear. I…want…that…belt,” Sufferable reiterates. After slinging the American Screamer back into his chair, Sufferable exits leaving Dean bewildered. He then calls in the Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi.

“All right, we’re back,” Johnny Suave says, “and it’s now time for the moment we’ve been waiting for!”

The lights dim low and the crowd quiets down. Charlene Ann Cantrell strolls to the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she says, “it’s time for the first ever Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” The crowd cheers and chants: “BCEW…BCEW.” The first four contestants come out as they are introduced by Charlene Ann. “It’ll be FUBAR,” Suave announces, “The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell- a newcomer to BCEW, Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, and Mr. No-Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly from Faux News.”

Buckland Bunkhouse Brawl All Out Free For All
Mr. Blockwell grabs the mic from Charlene Ann and in classic ‘Fashion Fascist’ style starts to rip into how gaudishly awful the people of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon are dressed. Of course they boo him. Then Blockwell makes the mistake of critiquing the outfit Charlene Ann Cantrell is wearing calling her a “mini-skirt wearing, Burger Queen tailored by Tim the Tool Man Taylor.” “WHAT!” Charlene Ann exclaims. “This Lolita of the Midwest really needs to-OOOFFF!” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “She kicked Mr. Blockwell in the balls!” The crowd starts up a ‘HOLY S#$#’ chant. “Charlene Ann grabs the Fashion Fascist by the shirt and throws him over the top rope out of the ring!” Suave says, “he’s out of the Free For All before it begins!” The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell is eliminated.

The bell rings and the match begins! Quickly, FUBAR launches himself at Michael Hunt. Hunt dives to the floor and FUBAR flies over him and charges into Mr. No Spin Factor Bill Really. O’Reilly fires back and delivers a German suplex to FUBAR. FUBAR goes after O’Reilly, but he trips over a loose shoe string and staggers into O’Reilly who flings him over the top rope! FUBAR is eliminated.

“The match is not even a minute old and already we have two wrestlers out,” Suave observes, “we’re just about to find out who will be the next contestant.” O’Reilly goes after Michael Hunt. “They’re going at it!” Suave says, “O’Reilly with a left, a right, another right. Snap mare suplex.” O’Reilly sizes up Hunt and then throws him across the ring into the ropes. “O’Reilly’s going for a clothesline but…wait! Who grabbed him from behind?” A older, graying man with a gap tooth smile stops O’Reilly. “HOLY CRAP! It’s night time talk show host David Letterman! WHAT IS HE DOING?” Letterman grabs Bill O’Reilly’s head and then jumps off the ring edge to the floor below pulling O’Reilly over the top rope and out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! DAVID LETTERMAN JUST TOOK OUT BILL O’REILLY!” shouts Suave, “HE’S OUT OF THE MATCH!” Bill O’Reilly is eliminated.

O’Reilly can’t believe what happened. Enraged, he and Letterman brawl with each other all the way back to the locker room. Suave resets the situation. “So Michael Hunt is the last man standing of the first four. Who will join him?” The answer comes in the form of music over the loudspeaker, a snippet of the Dixie Chicks song “Here’s Your Trouble.” Chuck-atalie, one third of the wrestling Dixie Chucks (who all dress up as each member of the country group the Dixie Chicks) races out and joins the fray. “DIXIE CHICKS ROCK!” shouts Chuck-atalie. Then Michael Hunt jumps the Dixie Chuck and tried to push him over the top rope to the outside. Hunt and Chuck-atalie go out at it with neither man gaining much of an advantage.

A clip of Toby Keith’s hit “Who’s Your Daddy” announces the next man in- Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. “This ought to get interesting,” Suave observes as mortal enemies Locke and Chuck-atalie immediately go after each other. As Michael Hunt stays off to the distance, Locke tries to push Chuck-atalie to the outside, but the Dixie Chuck holds on. Locke again tries to lift Chuck-atalie over the top rope but he clings desperately to the bottom rope. Locke delivers big right hands and delivers a power slam to the mat. Then Locke climbs up to the top rope. “What is he doing?” Suave asks as Locke takes his sweet time preparing his next move, “he’s wasting valuable time!” Michael Hunt comes over and pulls on the top ring rope causing Locke to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. “Ah yes, the classic wrestling cliché,” Suave says, “a wrestler who takes too much time climbing up to the top rope gets crotched.” Locke topples backwards out of the ring and to the apron below. Gary Locke is eliminated.

“We’re back down to two,” Suave observes, “Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.”

They were joined by the next contestant- Don Martini- one half of the BCEW tag team champions, the drunken luchadors “The Flying Martini Brothers. “Okay, this is the seventh wrestler out. Don Martini staggers to the ring and somehow manages to climb in.” Martini immediately climbs to the top rope. He wobbles back and forth and wastes time. “Okay,” Suave says, “we are quickly coming to another wrestling cliché. The wrestler who takes too much time on the top rope…” Martini leaps at Michael Hunt. Hunt takes two steps to the side and Martini splats face first on the canvas. “…misses their high risk move. Of course, adding alcohol to the equation makes it even more problematic.” Chuck-atalie stomps on Martini who somehow manages to pull himself up using the ring ropes. Chuck-atalie delivers a chop to the stomach of the Flying Martini brother and Martini holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh,” Suave says, “I’ve seen this one before and it ain’t pretty.” Martini heaves and then spews out a green stream of vomit. Chuck-atalie sidesteps the stuff but Michael Hunt unfortunately catches it full force. Hunt, coated in vomit, staggers backwards and flips over the top rope. Michael Hunt is eliminated.

“There we have it, it’s another Bleecth Beer gratuitous vomiting moment,” Suave announces as we see a slow motion replay of Martini spewing green vomit onto Michael Hunt, “Lovely isn’t it?”

Chuck-atalie carefully maneuvers around the ring, gently trying not to step in Martini’s vomit. Martini launches himself against the ropes and then slingshots towards Chuck-atalie. He slips in the ring and veers off course planting his face in the corner turnbuckle. Martini keels over unconscious. Before the Dixie Chuck can throw the Drunken Luchador over the top rope, the Toby Keith song “How Do You Like Me Now” blares. “It’s other half of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Earl Loade.” Loade immediately headscissors Chuck-atalie over the top rope, but Chuck-atalie holds onto the ropes and doesn't fall to the floor. Chuck-atalie gets back in the ring and battles Loade. Loade puts Chuck-atalie's leg over the top rope, but the Dixie Chuck fights back. Loade locks a front facelock on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie reverses and backdrops Loade on his head. Then he throws the Raving Redneck over the top rope, but he hangs on and rolled back in under the bottom rope.

Things heat up even more when the next man comes out- Chuck-artie of the tag team Dixie Chucks. “With Don Martini incapacitated, it’s two against one!” Suave observes. Chuck-artie immediately body slams Loade. Then Chuck-atalie throws a series of uppercuts and backs Loade into a corner. Chuck-artie hits a capture belly-to-belly suplex followed by a few boots to the mid-section by Chuck-atalie. Loade rolls under the bottom rope- he wasn't eliminated since you have to go over the top rope and have your feet touch the floor. Chuck-artie pursues Loade and slides between the second and third ropes, meaning also that he was still in the match. Chuck-artie flings Loade into the steel ring steps. “Loade is holding his lower back,” Suave announces, “he’s in a lot of pain and…what the hell?” Chuck-artie pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. “He puts Loade on the table!” Chuck-artie climbs the top turnbuckle and balances himself. “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do,” Suave says, “but wait! Loade gets up and he’s got Chuck-artie. No….NOOOOO.” Loade suplexes Chuck-artie from the top rope through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Loade just planted Chuck-artie through the table! And what? According to the referee, BOTH men technically went over the top rope! They’re out!” Earl Loade and Chuck-artie are eliminated.

The crowd starts up another ‘Holy s#@#’ chant. Loade and Chuck-artie slowly come to in wood pile that used to be a table. “I don’t think they’re dead,” Suaves says, “but they sure as hell should be. That was sick.”

Recapping who’s in and out.

OUT: FUBAR, Mr. Blackwell- The Fashion Fascist, Michael Hunt, Mr. No-Spin Bill O’Reilly, Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Chuck-artie of the Dixie Chucks, Earl Loade of the Raving Rednecks-Locke and Loade.

STILL IN: Don Martini- one half of the tag team champions The Flying Martini Brothers and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.

IN SINCE THE BREAK: Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, “The Smelly Luchador” Halitosis, Little Paulie of the American Bikers, and Al Cahall from Politically Correct

Howard Dean’s Office
Justin Sufferable stomps in. “What do you want!” he says, “I’m supposed to wrestle in a just few moments!” The American Screamer Howard Dean, with the Attack Poodleette Nancy Puglosi and the Pith Lord Harry Reid, tries to calm him down. Dean tells Sufferable that he has given lots of thought to what he said earlier tonight about winning the BCEW Men’s Championship. “Because I want you to be happy…and successful,” Dean gestures at Puglosi and Reid, “WE…want you to be happy and successful. We’re bringing in the big guns to make sure you…and the Progressive Alliance…achieve our mutual goals tonight.” Dean then tells Puglosi to bring in their ‘big gun.’ “I wonder who that could be?” Suave ponders. Dean brings in a man, 6 foot 5, wearing a blue #18 football jersey. “PEYTON MANNING?” Suave says, “The Colts quarterback? HE’S the big gun?” “I am confident,” Dean says, “that a talent such as Peyton Manning, All-American quarterback, will give us the edge we’ll need to win our big game tonight!” Justin Sufferable doesn’t seem nearly as confident. “I’m right behind you Mr. Sufferable,” Manning gushes, “I even have a cheer for you. Who’s going to pin them; who’s going to win? Justin! Justin is!” Justin stops him. “Look, when the time comes, you can be in my corner. Until then, leave me alone.” Sufferable then leaves. Dean tells Peyton ‘just keep busy’ and he’ll get him when the time comes.

“Welcome back to ‘Backbreak Mountain,’” Johnny Suave says, “I am the voice of BCEW Johnny Suave. NFL quarterback Peyton Manning helping out Justin Sufferable. The Progressive Alliance is bringing out all of the artillery tonight. Let’s get back to the action.”

BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (CONT.)
Little Paulie hits a big uppercut on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie turns around and shoves Little Paulie back into the ring ropes. Al Cahall slips in from behind and picks up Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, who up to this point protested the violence by sitting in the middle of the ring and refusing to fight, and press slammed him. Cahall goes for a wheelbarrow bulldog on Peacenik #1 but before he hits the bulldog, Little Paulie dumps him over the top rope. Al Cahall is eliminated.

“That’s the end of the line for one of the members of Politically Incorrect,” states Suave, “we are down to five.” Little Paulie elbows Chuck-atalie in the face. Halitosis does a couple luchador-type moves and nearly knocks Little Paulie of the American Bikers out of the ring. Peacenik #1 then confronts Halitosis. Holitosis uses his patented finishing maneuver, the ‘breath of death,’ on Peacenik #1. Peacenik #1 is rendered unconscious. Then Little Paulie picks up the GWO member and deposits him outside the ring. Peacenik #1 is eliminated.

Another member of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, comes out and takes Peacenik #1’s place. In the center of the ring, Lee and Little Paulie confronts each another. Lee starts talking smack to the American Biker. Little Paulie piefaces Brock Cole Lee and it’s on. Lee fires back with a big right hand and goes for a shoulder block. Little Paulie sidesteps the onrushing Vengeful Vegan and Lee crashes into and literally wakes up one half of the BCEW Men’s Tag Team Champions- Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers. Lee bounces up and gets another shoulder block by Little Paulie. The Dixie Chuck Chuck-atalie then suplexes Lee and sends him crashing onto the canvas. “Lee’s in trouble,” Suave says as Don Martini climbs onto the turnbuckle, “here comes the drunken luchador Don Martini…” Martini does a hurricane-rama from the top rope…and misses. “Well, at least he was close…kind of,” Suave says. Lee gets Martini up and tries to throw him over the top rope. Miraculously, Martini somehow holds onto the bottom rope.

At the bar, All-American quarterback Peyton Manning chant “Pour that beer! Pour that beer!” to cheer on Katie the Waitress who pours a draft beer for a customer.

Another member of Politically Incorrect, Nic Koteen, enters the match and immediately goes after Brock Cole Lee. “Koteen and Lee hate each other!” Suave says as both men hammer away at the other. Koteen puts the Vengeful Vegan up on the top rope and slaps him across the face. Lee then responds by talking trash and puts a headscissor around Koteen’s head. “That’s almost a choke hold,” Suave says as Lee squeezes his legs together and then tries to pull Koteen over the top rope. Lee, totally focused on Nic Koteen, forgets about Little Paulie lurking about. He grabs Lee and powerbombs him in the center of the ring! The fans chant "BCEW…BCEW!" Lee pulls himself up and gets smacked with right hands from Koteen. Lee counters with a big shot of his own. Then he whips Koteen into the ropes before Nic comes back, ducks a Brock Cole Lee clothesline, and clotheslines an unsuspecting Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks is eliminated.

Then the smelly luchador Halitosis unleashes another ‘breath of death’ on Brock Cole Lee and then follows up with a neckbreaker that sends the Vengeful Vegan over the top rope. Brock Cole Lee is eliminated.

“We are down to Little Paulie of the American Bikers, Drunken Luchador Don Martini, Smelly Luchador Halitosis,” Suave resets. The next contestant runs down to the ring- it’s Peacenik #2. “The last member of the Green World Order,” Suave announces. He is handed a note by one of the production crew. “WHAT?” Suave says, “you can’t be serious.” He shake his head. “Ladies and gentlemen. The Hollywood Left has demanded air time for their special “Golden Globe” awards so they can pat themselves on the back, engage in self-congratulations, and tell us how more enlightened and self-important they are.”
**
The Hollywood Left’s Golden Globe Awards
George Clooney stands behind the podium. “And the winner is,” Clooney says, “William “Kirk” Shatner’s kidney stone!” Clooney hold up a plastic jar filled with formaldehyde contains the kidney stone of William Shatner. The paparazzi takes photo after photo of Clooney, the kidney stone, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. “This is totally ridiculous!” Suave complains, “what a bunch of egomanic, narcissist, arrogant-” A commotion erupts. “What’s this?” DeWayne Cantrell appears and whaps George Clooney over the head with a steel-folding chair. “HOLY CRAP!” an overjoyed Suave shouts, “YES! He just hit Clooney with a steel-folding chair!” *CLANG* “And he just took out Hoffman!” *CLANG* “Down goes Joaquin Phoenix.” *CLANG* “Reese Witherspoon! Even though I really liked her in Illegally Blonde.” *CLANG* Geena Davis! *CLANG* “That guy from the 40 Year Old Virgin!” DeWayne walks to the podium and directs the cameraperson to come in close, really close. The camera man obliges. Then DeWayne yells into the camera: “LET’S GET BACK TO THE @#$#ing BRAWL!”

Back to the Bunkhouse Brawl (cont.)
The crowd goes wild. “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” Suave concurs, “uh, oh. Don Martini is up on the top rope again.” Little Paulie whips Halitosis into the corner. Martini loses his balance and falls hard to the floor for the elimination. Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers is eliminated.

Ringside, Peyton Manning jumps up and down cheering the ref. “GREAT CALL!” he shouts, “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE MAN!” The referee looks totally embarrassed.

“O-kay…well, while we were gone, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Snott Flemmstein, and NRA from Politically Incorrect joined the Bunkhouse Brawl,” Suave advises.

Martini twitches on the outside. “I hope he’s okay,” Suave says, “that was not a good fall for the Drunken Luchador.” Halitosis tries to rally and goes to give the “breath of death” on Little Paulie. Instead, Little Paulie lifts up the Smelly Luchador tosses him to the floor. The Smelly Luchador Halitosis is eliminated.

Peyton Manning asks the bell ringer for his autograph. The bell ringer looks at him as if he’s insane.

Nic Koteen slaps his chest and front dropkicks Flemmstein and follows with a front dropkick to the midsection. Flemmstein stumbles around and tries to shoot more snot from his prostheticly enhanced nose. It jams up. “Flemmstein’s in big trouble!” Suave says as Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist calls for the rubber gloves, “big BIG trouble!” *SNAP* Rectum puts on the rubber glove. Flemmstein immediately taps out. “But there’s no tapping out in the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” Suave says. Rectum snaps on the other glove. So instead, Flemmstein flings himself over the top rope and eliminates himself. Snott Flemmstein eliminated.

That leaves Nic Koteen and NRA of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld,. “Five in the ring and it looks like the way the draw worked out we will be seeing-,” Suave says, “...what the hell is NRA doing?” NRA inexplicatively leaps over the top rope and heads into the crowd. “Whoa. There’s something’s going on here,” Suave reports, “NRA is walking to the bar……it looks like someone’s giving his wife a hard time…” NRA confronts a guy holding two beers standing by his wife. “…or worse, he bought her a beer.” The police walk over to make sure nothing gets out of hand. In the ring, the referee signals that NRA is out. NRA eliminated. “NRA ELIMINATED HIMSELF!” Suave says.

NRA realizes what he’s just done. “@#$#!!!” he shouts.

“Well that was just weird,” Suave says. A meow SFX sounds. “YYESS!! Oh baby! Here we go! Here comes the SRB!” Enter Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aka the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB walks sleazily towards the ring followed by The ‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern. “He is the next contestant!” Suave says, “the Sultan of-” “WAY TO GO JOHNNY, WAY TO GO!” Peyton Manning chants and claps, WAY TO GO JOHNNY...” “Oh Jesus, get out here!” a briefly startled Suave tells the NFL quarterback. “Nice cardboard cut-out,” Manning says pointing at the Shania Twain life-size cardboard cut-out. Suave shoos him away. “GO!” Stern enters the ring. The SRB cheers him on from the outside. “There are five men left in the ring and if my list is correct,” Suave observes, “there are only four wrestlers left to come out. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots. And his brother ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb- also of the American Patriots.”

Huge explosion sound effects. “And speaking of the Bombs,” Suave says, “it looks like it’s ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb who’s the next one in.

“There are five wrestlers left in the ring,” host Johnny Suave says, “‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect, ‘Mr. Old School’ Don Rumsfeld, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb. There are three wrestlers left to come out- they are the top three contenders for the BCEW men’s championship: Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots, and Independent “No Frills” Chris Escondido.”

“This all started with a deal brokered by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain. The winner of tonight’s ‘Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the new undisputed BCEW Men’s Champion. Once we get down to the final four men, the First man to climb the ladder aka ‘Backbreak Mountain’..,” Suave refers to the ladder adjacent to the stage decorated up to look like a mountain, “…and grabs the BCEW Men’s Championship belt becomes the champion. Let’s get back to the action.”
*
BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (cont.)
Newt Tron Bomb slowly makes his way to the ring to join the other four. “He’s not in any great hurry to join the action,” Suave observes, “and he’s eating? What the hell is he eating?” Chowing on a bowl of baked beans, Newt continues to amble his way to the ring when a man dressed in a king-like costume with a ridiculously big grin on his face pushes him out of the way and bolts to the ring. “What?” a surprised Suave says, “HEY! THAT’S THAT CREEPY KING CHARACTER FROM THE BURGER KING COMMERCIALS!” The King jumps into the ring. The other four don’t quite know what to make of him. They look at each other. They look at the King. The four nod and then… “THEY’RE TAKING OUT THE KING!” Suave shouts as Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum, Nic Koteen, and Don Rumsfeld jump the king and start beating the hell out of him. “HOLY CRAP! THE CROWD’S GOING NUTS!” After a few seconds of mindless violence against a helpless TV character in costume, the four lift the King up and unceremoniously dump him out of the ring.

“The Burger King definitely didn’t have it his way tonight!” Suave cracks as the costumed character staggers past an amused Newt Tron Bomb towards the back. “And the referee has started to count Newt Tron Bomb out.” Now properly motivated, Newt Tron finally gets into the ring. Stern hooks up with Nic Koteen. Mr. Old School and Ivan Rectum have at it. Newt Tron stands in the middle of the ring. “Newt’s finally in there but…but…he’s standing in the ring. And he has this weird smile on his face. Why is he wearing a gas mask? And...OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL!......OH GOD, THAT IS RANK.” One by one, the other wrestlers start dropping like flies. “What the-…” Suave sees Newt Tron fanning his behind. “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” he screeches as the last wrestler is overcome by the noxious fumes emitted from Newt Tron Bomb’s ass. “THEY’RE ALL OUT!” Newt Tron then dumps each one over the top rope leaving only him in the ring.

George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove rushes to the ring on one side. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy joins them to represent the American Patriots. The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid races in from the other side for the Progressive Alliance. “Okay, what’s this all about?” Suave asks. Dean and Dick get into a squabble over what happens next. The Mastermind and Bill Frist chirps away at the Pith Lord Harry Reid. Meanwhile, a couple of ring technicians bring two big fans in to ventilate the leftover gas from Newt Tron Bomb. “What happens now?” Suave says, “I think that’s what they’re trying to figure out.” A few more seconds go by and the crowd grows impatient. A “BCEW…BCEW” chant rings out. Suddenly, Justin Sufferable appears. He is escorted to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Peyton Manning. “I think,” Suave says as ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido comes out, “I think they’re calling the other three to the ring now!” A. Tom Bomb, led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, follows Escondido to the ring. Then the referee brings the ladder and the championship belt into the ring. He then puts the belt up on a wire and then the belt is hoisted about fifteen feet up in the air. “Yep, they’re going to put all four in now along with the ladder. The first man to climb the ladder and grabs the belt wins the title,” Suave says, “and you know it’s crunch time now because no one’s leaving ringside.” The American Screamer Howard Dean and Pithy Harry Reid stake out one side; Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove stake out the other. George W and Dick hang back off to the side.

“All four men are in the ring,” Suave says, “and so it begins.” A. Tom and Newt Tron Bomb immediately attack Justin Sufferable. A. Tom took the fight to Sufferable’s left arm and shoulder. Newt Tron suckers Justin and hits a cheap shot but the Progressive Alliance champion fights back and clotheslines Newt Tron. Then A. Tom Bomb kicks Sufferable in the back and follows with chest chops and a dropkick. A. Tom hit four power suplexes in a row and Newt Tron Bomb gets into the act with punches to Justin’s head. Standing out of the way is “No Frills” Chris Escondido. Finally, A. Tom Bomb motions Escondido to join them. “Escondido hates Justin Sufferable,” Suave observes, “he wants to destroy Justin Sufferable just as much as the American Patriots do!” As A. Tom Bomb holds Sufferable, Escondido hits two boots to Sufferable’s face. Escondido delivers some right hand punches, pulls Sufferable up and backdrops him, clotheslines and chops him to the chest. Newt Tron hits a spinning kick to Sufferable’s face. “The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid are up on the apron screaming at the ref!” Suave says, “the American Patriots with help from Chris Escondido are taking Justin Sufferable out!” A. Tom locks in a front guillotine choke. “Sufferable can’t hold on much longer,” Suave says, “DEAN AND REID HAVE JUMPED THE ROPES!

Dean and Reid rush into the ring and try to aid Sufferable. Dean shoves Newt Tron Bomb down. Reid attempts to do the same to Chris Escondido. Bad move. Escondido pushes back and knocks down the Pith Lord. “AND NOW DAISY CUTTER-BOMB IS IN THE RING!” Suave announces. Daisy Cutter, the well-endowed younger sister of the Bomb brothers, clobbers Dean from behind and begins to stomp on him. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove cheers as Daisy Cutter delivers a leg drop on the American Screamer. “NOW NFL ALL AMERICAN QUARTERBACK PEYTON MANNING IS IN THE RING!” Daisy Cutter turns her sights on the pro football player who’s not sure he wants to be in the ring. Daisy distracts the NFL star while Newt Tron slips in from behind and clobbers Manning from behind. “Manning is down!” Suave says as the NFL QB hits the turnbuckles and drops to the mat, “Daisy Cutter Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb have neutralized the American Screamer Howard Dean and Pith Lord Harry Reid. A. Tom Bomb and Chris Escondido are destroying Justin Sufferable! ” The Mastermind Karl Rove, again, points to his head to point out, again, just what a freakin’ genius he is, again. “This was the plan all along!” Suave says, “The Mastermind has choreographed this perfectly for the American Patriots!”

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play and the crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK!” George W. and his aide de camp Dick can’t believe their eyes. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK IN BCEW!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

The crowd continues the sing along as Gore suddenly bolts for the ring. “HE’S COMING TO THE RING!” Suave says. The Mastermind Karl Rove is the first one he reaches. *CLANG* Rove goes down. Gore turns to Bill Frist-Medicine Guy. *CLANG* Same result. Daisy Cutter-Bomb leaps over the rope and *CLANG* catches the steel-folding chair flush in the face. She’s out. “THE ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON IS CLEANING HOUSE!” Suave roars over the crowd. Gore stares down George W and his aide de camp Dick who both try to keep their distance from him. Newt Tron Bomb then takes a swipe at Gore from inside the ring. Gore grabs his hand and drags Newt Tron over the top rope. The Bomb Brother lands on the floor and then… *CLANG* Gore drops a bomb of his own so to speak. The referee calls Newt Tron Bomb out of the Brawl. Newt Tron Bomb is eliminated.

“We’re down to three!” Suave exclaims, “Escondido. A. Tom Bomb. Justin Sufferable.” A. Tom Bomb is furious. He jaws with Gore while Escondido stays back and Sufferable tries to pull himself up. A groggy NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning also manages to climb back up to his feet. Manning leans back on the top rope and lays on it. “Sufferable is up but still hurt,” Suave announces, “Escondido bides his time and A. Tom Bomb is preoccupied with Al Gore.” Sufferable staggers back onto the ropes right by NFL Star Peyton Manning. Sufferable leans back on the already lowered ropes, loses his balance, and accidently flips over the top rope out of the ring. “SUFFERABLE IS OUT!” Suave cries as Manning looks down at Sufferable incredulously, “THE ALL-AMERICAN QUARTERBACK HAS JUST BLOWN ANOTHER BIG GAME!” Sufferable sits on the floor in total disbelief. Justin Sufferable is eliminated.

“Here comes the American Screamer,” Suave says Howard Dean races to the ring, “Dean is lighting up the referee. He is pissed.” Dean, Gore, and eventually Sufferable get into a heated protracted argument with the referee over Justin’s elimination. Sufferable demands to be put back in the ring. The referee refuses and again motions that Sufferable is gone from the brawl. While this is going on, George W’s aide de camp Dick slips in unnoticed. He reaches into his pants pocket and produces a shiny metal object. “What the hell?” Suave asks, “THAT’S A FOREIGN OBJECT! DICK HAS A FOREIGN OBJECT AND HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT TO A. TOM BOMB!” After making sure that the referee wasn’t looking, Dick tries to slip the shiny metal object to A. Tom. Suddenly, the crowd noise surges. “WHAT?” Suave says, not sure what’s happening now, “IT’S…IT’S……IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN MCCAIN!” McCain goes to the ring and confronts Dick about the foreign object. Dick tries to hide the object and look innocent. McCain doesn’t buy it. “McCain caught him red handed. He wants the object,” Suave says. McCain grabs for the foreign object and tries to pry it out of Dick’s hand. Dick desperately tries to hang on to it. As A. Tom Bomb looks down helplessly as the two men grapple over the foreign object, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido seizes the opportunity and delivers a stiff forearm shot to the back of A. Tom Bomb and pushes him over the top rope out of the ring. A. Tom Bomb is eliminated.

“THAT’S IT!” Suave shouts, “CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS GOING TO BECOME THE NEW BCEW MEN’S CHAMPION!” Dick is in total shock. George W. stares at the ring with his mouth wide open. The referee breaks off his conversation with the American Screamer and goes to the ladder. The American Patriots watches helplessly as Escondido quickly climbs Backbreak Mountain (aka a very tall ladder dressed up as a mountain) and grabs the BCEW Men’s championship belt.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido wins the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl.

“HE’S DONE IT!” Suave says, “HE’S DONE IT! CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS THE CHAMPION! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! CHRIS ESCONDIDO HAS PULLED IT OFF! UNFREAKIN’ BELIEVEABLE!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon audience gives Escondido a standing ovation. George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove and the other members of the American Patriots all look like they’re about to hurl. Justin Sufferable and his Progressive Alliance mates are equally as distraught at the turn of events. A stream of independent wrestlers join Escondido in the ring to congratulate him: The American Bikers- Big Paulie and Little Paulie, Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don-the Flyin’ Martini Brothers among others.

“Thanks to ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain,” Suave recaps, “who stopped Dick from slipping A. Tom Bomb a foreign object, “Chris Escondido was able to knock A. Tom over the ropes and claim the BCEW Men’s Championship belt. That is it from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is Johnny Suave for BCEW- Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.”

Monday, July 14, 2008

PCW Rewind from year one- BCEW Thanksgiving Extravaganza

From November of 2005 when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was still BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)...

**********
BCEW- THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA HOUSE EVENT AT BCEW HALL, EAGLE ROCK, OHIO

Results from the first BCEW House event to be held at the newly christened BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.

Earl Fletcher will be the ring announcer for tonight’s BCEW Hall event.

Earl comes out and welcomes everyone to BCEW Hall. He then says, “ever been driving down the road in your car and pretended that you had a small laser mounted on the front of your car that shot birds out of the air and other animals along the side of the road?” He is met by a baffled silence. “Guess not. Let’s get to the action.”

Match #1- Little Paulie with Big Paulie of the American Bikers vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido
Another classic match between long time adversaries. Back and forth for several minutes until the end. As usual, Little Paulie and Big Paulie start bickering and arguing about match strategy and the amount of time Little Paulie is taking to win the match. Escondido charges at Little Paulie. Little Paulie this time steps out of the way and Escondido blasts into Big Paulie. Big Paulie flies off the ring edge to the mat below. Little Paulie then rolls up Escondido from behind and gets the win.

Announcements & Shane “I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes” Ghackerman
Earl Fletcher reads some announcements. Fletcher makes some oblique reference to Madonna and then follows up with this gem. “If I a-happen to walk by one of those collector’s items Dick Tracy action figures thingys- like Madonna as Breathless Mahoney- and just **happen** to peek under her dress, would that be a bad thing?” The sound of crickets chirping follow. “Right. Well, if you think that’s bad, here’s Shane ‘I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes’ Ghackerman.”

Ghackerman starts off with: “You all hear the story about the guy who was attacked by a donkey? Yeah, the sheriff said it was the worse ASS-kicking he’d ever seen.” *rimshot* Groans. More groans.

“Okay,” he continues, “What did the lady say to the guy who kept showing up at her door with a stick of celery? Hey! Stop stalking me!” *rimshot* More groans. A couple titters. But mostly groans.

“Got another one. What do you go through when you give up eating celery? Deceleration.” *rimshot* More groans. A ‘you suck.’

Actually, lots of ‘you sucks.’

“Right. Just say no to snorting Coke. It’s not good for you and the carbonation burns the hell out of the inside of your nose.” *rimshot* “Get it? Coke? The pop? Inside your nose? BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-urk…

Thankfully, Fletcher yanks Ghackerman out of the ring before he starts a full fledged riot.


Snott Flemmstein and Annoying Cell Phone Guy enjoy dinner at one of the back tables of the BCEW Hall. Everything goes well until Cell Phone Guy starts to get calls on his cell phone. Flemmstein slowly gets pissed off as Cell Phone Guy spends the next few minutes gabbing away. Finally, Flemmstein has enough and leaps across the table. The cell phone flies out of Cell Phone Guy’s hand. The two roll around on the ground. A referee suddenly shows up and we’ve got ourselves an impromptu match.

Match #2- Snott Flemmstein vs. Annoying Cell Phone Guy
This was doesn’t make into the ring. A couple minutes of action before Flemmstein shoots out the ol’ green ‘snot’ from his prosthetically enhanced nose and coats Cell Phone Guy again. The referee quickly counts 1-2-3 and the match is Flemmsteins.

Earl Fletcher introduces the Black Swamp Pirates who come out and play their new country song American Elitist.

“Hey Green Day,” said the band’s lead singer Junior Jackson, hoisting his middle finger high in the air, “I’ve got your #$#$ing redneck agenda right here!” The band starts to play…

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass


I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.


Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

The Pirates receive a standing ovation from the BCEW Hall audience.

Match #3- The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade vs. The Dixie Chucks Chuck-artie and Chuck-mily
The match of the night. Lots of false finishes. Locke and Loade went for the Redneck 4-D Death Blast but Chuck-mily countered with a drop kick and Chuck-artie clobbered Locke from behind.. Locke somehow makes it to the rope. At one point Chuck-artie hits 5 German suplexes in a row. Eventually Chuck-mily was placed in the Redneck 4-D Death Blast and taken out of commission. Then both Locke and Loade attack Chuck-artie and end up laying him out. 1-2-3. Winner-Locke and Loade.
**
BCEW Romey Segment

BCEW Romey, who suspiciously looks a hell of a lot like BCEW Owner and huge fan of Jim Rome’s radio show Bubba Jackson, comes out to deliver a take.

BCEW Romey: “All right, I guess you’ve all heard by now that Mike Love of the Beach Boys filed suit against Brian Wilson for among other things, “misappropriating the trademark of the Beach Boys. Save it clones, I know what you’re going to say. “He’s been doing that for the past 10 years.” I get that. I get the fact that many of you consider him to be an attention starved, sue-happy crybaby. I get that. I get the fact that many of you are bent over how Mike turned the Beach Boys induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame into a night that will live in rock infamy. I get that, too.

“But what caught my attention was the phrase “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs.” Oh? What the hell is that? Did Brian misappropriate “Sumahama?” “Summer of Love?” Freakin’ “Kokomo?” No? Oh I get it. Lest we all forget that Mike Love is the guy who was inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame- no wait, that was Brian Wilson. We all know that Mike Love is the one who won a Grammy for his solo album- wait, that was Brian Wilson too. And of course, how could we forget the tribute show to Mike Love a few years ago- oh wait, that was Brian freakin’ Wilson.
***
(Plays tape of Mike’s speech at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony)"I think it's wonderful to be here tonight, but I also think it's sad that there are other people who aren't here tonight, and those are the people who've passed away...those are the obvious ones. But the other not-so-obvious ones are people like Paul McCartney who couldn't be here tonight because he's in a lawsuit with Ringo and Yoko- that's what he said in a telegram to some high-pRicearonid attorney in this room, ya know? Now, that's a BUMMER because we're talking about Harmony in the world. If we can't get it together in America and in England and harmony within our groups...I mean, believe it, you can believe it...the Beach Boys have their own (unintelligible) or whatever you call it, squabbles, but that's a BUMMER when MS. ROSS can't makeit, ya know? The Beach Boys'll continue to do...we did about a hundred and eighty performances last year. I'd like to see the "MOPTOPS" match that-! I'd like to see MICK JAGGER get out on the stage and do "I Get Around" vs. "Jumpin' Jack Flash" ANY DAY NOW! Now, a lot of people are gonna go outta this room tonight thinking that Mike Love is crazy...well, they been sayin' that for years! Ain't nothin' new about that! And now we're (slurring gets more pronounced) ssssittin' in this room with all this glitterati of the glissando...all 6% of us...and we're hasslin', we're fighting...(mumbles) squabbles, messin' around...what I want to see is this whole room recognize that there is One Earth here and I want us to do something FANTASTIC with all of this talent and this wonderful spirit and soul, and I'd like to see some people KICK OUT THE JAMS, and I challenge "The BOSS" to get up onstage and jam..!" [Note: At this point, musical director Paul Shaffer plays the Theramin intro to 'Good Vibrations'...he might just as well have played the Twilight Zone Theme. Love continues to rant.] "I wanna see BILLY JOEL...see if he can still TICKLE IVORIES...lemme see! I know MICK JAGGER won't be here tonight, he's gonna have to stay in *burp* England. But, I'd like to see us in the Coliseum and he in Wembley Stadium, 'cause he's always been CHICKENSHIT to get on stage with the Beach Boys...!" [Shaffer then tries to drown Love out by striking up the band, which inspires him to conclude] "...and we're gonna do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. Yeah! Alright!"

“We’re going to do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. By insulting the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen. Yeah Mike. That was a proud moment for the group. You, at the dais, calling out rock stars all in the name of World Peace, Love, and Harmony. I don’t know Mike. Perhaps the reason that Mick Jagger or Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel won’t play with you is because they think that you’re the biggest jerk in rock music. Maybe you should, oh I don’t know, SUE them too for not wanting to share the same stage with you. That rant pretty much sums up the bug up Mike’s AAAHHH-SS over his perception that he’s not and never has been given his due. And that’s the real reason Mike Love is so bent, so bitter. The fact is that Brian Wilson gets more attention out of playing a handful of shows a year than he does playing hundreds of shows. Mike is bent because Brian Wilson releases three, count em, THREE solo CD’s over the past two years and he can’t get his own solo CD out. Mike is bitter because Brian Wilson is considered to be one of the most influential and pivotal figures in rock history while he’ll be known for being a cranky old, litigation-happy man who prances around the stage, walks like grandma while singing The Little Old Lady From Pasadena, and tells the same, corny, cheesy jokes at every show. It’s not bad enough that the Lovester tried to rewrite Beach Boys history in that ABC movie, he’s now trying to rewrite the history of Smile- “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs??” Give me a freakin’ break!

“Here’s what really pisses Mike off- Brian Wilson has SCOREBOARD over Mike Love and he always will.

“As always, I’ve got your emails here on the subject.

Dear BCEW Romey,

I can totally sympathize with Mike Love. *I* was the true genius of CCR, not that hack John Fogerty

Signed,
Tom Fogerty.

“Thank you Surfdude in SoCal. Let’s try another one.

Dear BCEW Romey,

Forget George Michael, WHAM! would have been nothing without me.

Signed,
Andrew Ridgeley

“Dave from the ‘Natti. Very good. Okay. One more.

BCEW Romey,

Mike Love should be ashamed of himself! Personally I think it’s disgusting when one family member treats another family member in that way.

Signed,
Liam Gallagher

“From J-Mac from C-town. Okay, okay. That’s enough. And Clones? I’m NOT reading the O.J. email. I’m not going there.

“I feel bad for Mike Love and the respect and stature he craves in the rock world. In fact, I feel so bad that I think we should organize a benefit concert for him. Let’s call it ‘Rock Against Mike Love.’ They’ll be a giant picture of Mike with a red circle and slash through it at the top of the stage. We’ll bring in celebrities who will do testimonials and ask for monetary donations. I figure we can raise enough money to send Mike to his own personal Elba somewhere out in the middle of the ocean out in the middle of nowhere where we won’t have to watch him prance across the stage, pretend he’s a grandma, or listen to some cheesy jokes from his piehole ever again. And maybe, just maybe, there he’ll finally get the respect and stature he deserves.”

At that moment, a guy wearing a hawaiian shirt and a ball cap jumps into the ring. “Who the hell are you?” BCEW Romey asks. “I’m Beach Guy Mike Louvre. I will not stand for any more slander against the heart, the soul, the true creative genius of the Beach Boys- Mike Love.” The crowd starts to boo. “Oh you know it,” Louvre continues, “Mike Love is the Beach Boys! He’s the voice of the Beach Boys and been touring for decades as the front man of America's band. Mike Love kept the band alive while that no talent Brian Wilson stayed in bed. He’s on all of the band's hits and without Mike Love there would be no Beach Boys at all.” More boos. “So all you Brian Wilson apologists can just-” Suddenly, a commotion erupts and Buckland County Police Chief Nick Shavings, a fervently passionate Beach Boy and Brian Wilson fan, jumps into the ring and tasers Beach Guy Mike Louvre. The crowd gives him a standing ovation.

Then BCEW Romey aka Bubba Jackson sets up a table in the middle of the ring and both he and Chief Shavings powerbomb Louvre through the table.

And to add insult to injury, Louvre gets shot in the ass by Ol’ Man Hanson.

Next, BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni comes out and wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Then she apologizes for not defending the BCEW Women’s Belt because “there’s no one worthy to wrestle me for it.” Ricearoni then mentions “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart who’s “still under house arrest and can’t be here.”

Suddenly, “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart, long itching to get her shot at the Women’s champion, rushes down the aisle with Billionaire Don Trump and a deputy sheriff. Stuart holds up a piece of paper with the order that released her from home detention. “Unlock the ankle bracelet!” she commands the deputy, “UNLOCK THE @#@#@$$ ANKLE BRACELET!” The deputy reads it and then unlocks the bracelet. We’ve got a match…

Match #4- BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart with Billionaire Don Trump
Stuart looked off and very rusty here compared to her usual robust self. Most of this match was a brawl around the building. Ricearoni, irate over the challenge and not expecting a strong effort from Stewart, attacked her with a steel-folding chair and then got ready to pin her. Billionaire Bob Trump came out for the save (and got a big pop). He clubbed Ricearoniaroni with his gold-plated briefcase. Stewart went to cover but then inexplicatively he also turned on Stewart and whacked her in the back with his briefcase. Then he stood over her and said, “YOU’RE FIRED!” and walked out of the ring.

Stewart, furious at Trump’s turn, is the first one up. “You can fire me!” she yells at Trump, “You can cancel my show. But I WILL be the next BCEW Women’s Champion and no one can keep me from my title.”

“That’s what you think,” Ricearoni says from behind. She rolls up Stewart and gets the pinfall to hold on to the title.
********
********
********

Sunday, July 13, 2008

PCW Rewind from year one- May 2005 BCEW Revenge of the Pith

From May of 2005, when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling), the second BCEW pay per view...
*******************

BCEW announcer Johnny Suave, with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain ever by his side, stands in a hallway someone inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. A “BCEW” banner hangs behind him. Suave announces that a lot has happened in BCEW since “Loose Cannons Unleashed” two months ago.
First the leadership of the Progressive Alliance was finally settled. Suave reports that Bill and Hillary Clinton decreed that Tim Roemer and “The American Screamer” Howard Dean face off against each other for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance in a special match that was held at the Eagle’s Club in Eagle Rock a few weeks back.

Highlights of Dean-Roemer match.
Roemer, accompanied to the ring by Nancy “The Attack Poodle” Pelosi, comes out firing on all cylinders and takes the battle right to the “American Screamer.” It looks like the young Roemer carries the day when all of a sudden, for some strange reason the Pith Lord Harry Reid aka ‘Barth Rabidenous’, appears ringside. He whispers something in Pelosi’s ear just as Roemer is about to pin Dean. In a shocking turn of events, Pelosi jumps into the fray, distracting Roemer enough to let Dean hit his finishing move, the “Screaminator,” and gets the pinfall. After the match, Reid holds up Dean’s arm in victory. The “American Screamer” lets out his trademark “YEEE-AAAHHHH” much to the chagrin of Bill Clinton who’s only mere inches away from the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. “God I hate it when you do that,” Clinton mutters.

Next, a major crisis erupts within the BCEW competition committee. The BCEW competition committee is comprised of members of both the Progressive Alliance and the American Patriots and they determine who the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship is. A major controversy breaks out when Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy of the American Patriots and majority leader of the committee, attempted to install A. Tom Bomb of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers as the #1 contender. The Progressive Alliance, led by Pith Lord Harry Reid, objected to Dr. Frist’s plan.

Suave explains that the Progressive Alliance threatened to disrupt all matches going forward if Justin Sufferable, the Progressive Alliance’s choice, wasn’t given a title shot against the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee. The crowd, watching on the big screen television inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, immediately chants “ROIDS!...ROIDS!...ROIDS!” at the mere mention of Giambee. Suave then says that the American Patriots threatened to invoke the Nuke Cleeair option to stop the Progressive Alliance. The “Nuke Cleeair” option is named after Nuke Cleeair Bomb- the wily uncle of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers (A. Tom, Newt Tron, and Hy Drogen Bomb). Nuke wants A. Tom Bomb to be named the #1 contender slot for the BCEW championship. Meanwhile, a coalition of more moderate types within both sides led by “Straight-Shootin’” John McCain of the American Patriots and Ben “Mr. Cornhusker” Nelson of the Progressive Alliance try to work out a workable compromise.

“The events of the last weeks have led to tonight’s “winner gets all” grudge match between BCEW competition committee members Harry Reid of the Progressive Alliance vs. Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy from the American Patriots. The winner of this match gets to decide just who will be the next #1 contender for the BCEW men’s championship,” Suave explains as the ring announcer, the lovely Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces both men.

The Pith Lord Harry Reid aka Barth Rabidenous vs. Dr. Frist-Medicine Guy
Reid tersely shouts out: “The American Patriots is full of right wing extremists!” and “This abuse of power will not be tolerated!” “Just to clarify,” Suave explains, “Harry Reid is a Pith Lord known for his pithy, tersely cogent remarks.” Dr. Frist shrugs off the Pith Lord. Then Reid says, “I have the power to scoop out you heart with a spoon and eat it for dessert!” “Okay, that’s weird,” Suave responds, “The Pith Lord is playing the Hannibal Lector card.” The match begins. It is a knock down drag out free-for-all. First, it’s Reid taking the fight to Dr. Frist. Then, it’s Dr. Frist with a rally. Back and forth it goes. Then someone runs down the aisle. “WHAT! IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” calls Suave as Sufferable jumps into the ring and starts whacking Dr. Frist with a Singapore cane. “He’s whipping Dr. Frist with the cane! He really wants that title shot!” Dr. Frist curls up into a ball in the middle of the ring as Sufferable relentlessly canes him. Immediately another man rushes to the ring. “‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Suave exclaims as Escondido leaps over the ropes and clobbers Sufferable from behind, “IT’S CHRIS ESCONDIDO! And he is totally pissed that the Progressive Alliance chose to push Justin Sufferable for the #1 slot instead of him.” While Escondido works Justin Sufferable over, yet another man appears in the aisle heading to the ring. “Now what?” Suave asks, “IT’S A. TOM BOMB!” Suave exclaims as A. Tom Bomb hoists the Pith Lord up and launches him out of the ring, “HOLY CRAP! He just power A-bombed Harry Reid out of the ring through a table!” Reid lies crumpled in a heap of what’s left of the ring table. Dr. Frist lies in the ring still smarting over the caning he took at the hands of Justin Sufferable. John McCain and Ben Nelson suddenly appear together in the aisle- each holding a steel-folding chair. Reid and Dr. Frist, both pretty much out of it, manage to pull themselves up and motion desperately for assistance. McCain and Nelson glance at each other and shake hands. “What the hell?” wonders Suave as McCain walks over to Harry Reid, Nelson to Dr. Frist. Then simultaneously *CLANG* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “A DUAL CHAIR SHOT! MCCAIN AND NELSON TOOK THEM *BOTH* OUT!” McCain and Nelson meet again, shake hands, and walk to the back. The referee counts both Reid and Dr. Frist out. “Okay!” Suave says, “Now what?”

Inside the office of the CEO of BCEW- George W, Dick, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and W watch the TV monitor as John McCain and Ben Nelson talk with Johnny Suave after the match. “He is so not a team player,” observes W. “True,” Dick concurs, “but McCain is the “Straight Shooter” and he has a constituency that we can’t ignore.” “OH!” W shouts at the TV, “now McCain’s talking about steroids! WHAT THE? He’s questioning whether the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee is on steroids? Why! So what if he put on a few pounds?” “175 pounds to be exact,” clarifies Dick. “Whatever!” W says, “McCain still can’t do that!” “Well, yes he can,” Dick says. “Look at least the BCEW Men’s World Champion won’t have to defend the title tonight.” Thanks to the Mastermind over there, in the ‘spirit of compromise,’ *snicker* we’ll make it a 3-way dance for the #1 contender to the men’s title. Justin Sufferable. Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb.” The Mastermind points his finger at his temple to once again show that he’s a friggin’ genius. “OH!” shouts a distraught W again, “Now McCain’s talking about continuing to work with the ‘moderate elements’ of the Progressive Alliance! ARRRGHH! I can’t take this anymore!” W immediately whips off his suit and shirt revealing a jogging outfit underneath. “I’m going running,” he says as he dashes out of his office. Dick and The Mastermind then decide that it’s best they break the news to Rafael Barry Giambee that he won’t be defending the title tonight.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon comes to its feet as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring with his life-size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain. “This is BCEW! Welcome to tonight’s big pay per view- ‘Revenge of the Pith!’” Suave says over the roar of the cheering crowd, “and as you heard earlier. Tonight. There will be a three way dance with the winner becoming the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World championship! Backed by the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable. Independent, Chris ‘No Frills’ Escondido. The American Patriot’s A. Tom Bomb. The winner gets BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee-” Immediately the crowd chants: “ROIDS!…ROIDS!...ROIDS!...” “…at our next PPV in July,” Suave continues. Again the crowd cheers.

Green World Order promo
GWO member Brock Cole Lee- the Vengeful Vegan- stands in the ring. “I’m here tonight,” Lee says, “to tell each and every one of you that if you eat meat that you are nothing but murderous scum.” The crowd boos. “That’s right,” Lee continues, “murderous scum. Plus, each and every one of you who drink milk contribute to the gross abuse of cows you abusive ***-holes. How would you like it if some stranger came over and tugged on your udder?” “Well, I guess it would depend on just who is doing the tugging,” quips Suave. Over the loud jeering of the Hack’s audience, Lee then goes on to rip people who smoke as ‘cold blooded killers’ and those who drink beer as ‘irresponsible ***-holes.’ “I hope you all die,” Lee flatly says before a strange squeaking noise interrupts his train of thought. “What’s that strange sound?” Suave asks. Then the great Brownsville Station hit “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” plays as a man appears pulling a grill with hamburgers cooking on it, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a beer. “Hey! That’s Nic Koteen!” Suave says, “What’s he doing out here?” Lee throws a fit. “What the hell are you doing?” he screams at Koteen. “Hopefully, he’s shutting you up,” quips Suave. “Well Frist, I’m going to grill some beef,” Koteen responds, “because everyone knows that BEEF- it’s what for dinner tonight!” The crowd cheers while Lee stomps back and forth in the ring. “Then I’m going to wash that fine ground beef down with a nice cold beer!” Koteen continues, “and then to top it all off, I think I’ll smoke myself a cigarette!” The crowd again roars its approval. Koteen tells Lee that “apparently, some people have way too much time on their hands.” “I reckon the world would be a much better place,” Koteen says, “if people like you with nothing better to do would mind the hell their own business and stop telling people how they should live their life.” Lee jumps out of the ring and pushes Koteen. Nic pushes Lee right back and then an impromptu match starts.

Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order vs. Nic Koteen
Lee goes for right for the grill. Koteen stops him. Then he shakes the beer can and sprays Lee with it. Lee is stunned. Then Koteen takes a big puff of his cigarette and blows smoke in Lee’s eyes. “AAARRGGHHHH. YOU’RE KILLING ME--ACKKK!” a blinded Lee screams before Koteen clotheslines him. Cover 1-2-3. “Thank you Nic Koteen!” says Suave. Koteen celebrates in the ring. Then Brad Paisley’s new song “Alcohol” plays over the sound system and Nic’s best friend Al Cahall joins him in the ring. They drink beer in celebration, have a smoke, and grill burgers.

Dick and The Mastermind arrive at the door of BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee’s dressing room. Hesitantly, they knock on the door. No answer. Dick knocks again. Still no answer. Dick calls out to the champ. Nothing. “This is strange,” Dick observes. He slowly opens up the door, peeks his head inside, and calls out to the champ again. Silence. Dick and The Mastermind go inside Giambee’s dressing room. The champ appears to be sleeping on his bed. Dick tries to wake him up. Nothing. He shakes the champ again. Still nothing. He leans over and listens for breathing. Nothing. “Oh #@@#!” Dick exclaims and checks him one last time. No movement. “He’s dead.” Dick states. “Dead? He can’t be.” Rove says. Dick checks his pulse. “He’s dead as a f****** doornail.” The Mastermind bends over and listens for a heartbeat. “S***,” he says, “now what are going to do?” Dick reminds Rove that he’s supposed to be the Mastermind. “What’s going on?” a loud voice calls out, startling both Dick and The Mastermind. Dick whips around- it’s The “American Screamer” Howard Dean. The Mastermind ducks for cover. “Howard,” chuckles Dick as he maneuvers himself in between Dean and the champion, “what a surprise!” Dean notices the offbeat behavior of the usually unflappable Dick and asks if there’s something wrong. “Wrong?” Dick replies, “what makes you think something’s wrong?” “Perhaps it’s because it looks like you’re hiding something?” replies Dean. Dick scoffs. “Is the champ okay?” Dean inquires, “something doesn’t look right.” “That’s ridiculous!” Dick defensively says, “the champ is fine.” Dean then comments on the ‘lack of color’ of the champion. Dick again assures Dean that the champ is fine. “Right champ?” he asks. Giambee’s arm, with some covert assistance from The Mastermind, slowly rises up with the rigor mortising hand worked into the thumbs up position. “See he’s fine,” Dick says as he escorts Dean from the room, “but he needs his rest! Thanks for stopping by.” “Well? Okay. But you tell the champ to enjoy his rest while he can. My guy Justin Sufferable WILL be the next BCEW men’s champion- count on it!” Then Dean does his trademark “YEEEEE-AAAAAHH!” and leaves. “God I hate it when he does that,” Dick says as The Mastermind Karl Rove pops up from under Giambee’s bed pointing to his temple once again to remind everyone just what a frickin’ genius he is.

A moment with The Domestic Diva- Martha Stewart
Several members of the BCEW roster sit inside a movie theater watching the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith. BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni intently watches the scene where Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi have their climactic battle. Puffs of cigar smoke drift back from the front of the theater. Ricearoni waves her arms to disperse the smoke which keeps rolling back in her direction. Then at the part where Obi-Wan cuts off Anakin’s arm and both legs, a huge belly laugh erupts a few row in front. The whole theater turns to where the obnoxious laughter is coming from. Ignoring the audience’s pleas to shut up is the Domestic Diva herself- Martha Stewart. Like Max Cady in the movie Cape Fear, Stewart puffs on a big stogie and deliberately allows the smoke to waft back. Then she breaks out again in outrageous laughter as Anakin catches on fire. Ricearoni continues to wave her arms to blow the annoying smoke away from her. More people grumble and complain about the cigar. A couple gets up and leaves. Then the movie reaches the part where Anakin’s wife gives birth…and dies. Again, Stewart launches into a huge fit of laughter which further annoys and enrages the people around her. The red light on Stewart’s ankle bracelet suddenly pops on and a small beeping sound emits from it. “Oh s***,” Stewart says. Two sheriff’s deputies follow the smoke down the aisle to the Domestic Diva. “What?” she says feigning innocence. Then they lift Stewart out of her seat. “I WANT THAT BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP BELT CANDILOOSA RICEARONI!” Martha screeches as the deputies proceed to drag her kicking and screaming out of the theater, “I WANT THAT ******* BELT AND I WILL HAAAAVE IIIIIIITTTTT!”

A visit by America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster- Katie Couric
W comes back to his office after his brief run and finds America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric waiting for him. Couric tells W that she wants to do story about “the whole wrestling thing.” W offers to let her talk to a couple of the wrestlers and film a match. Couric states, “No one wants to see two stiffs they’ve never heard of. What they want to see is me, Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster.” “And your point is?” asks W. “The public wants to see me wrestle,” Couric continues, “besides, everyone knows wrestling is all fake and choreographed and stuff like that. So get me someone to wrestle, make it look good, I win the match and my public will be happy.” “O-kay” relents W. “I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.” “Do that,” America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster snips back and leaves. “Yeah, I’ll take care of you all right!” W grumbles.

As BCEW returns from a commercial break, Johnny Suave is arguing with his producer Guy Taylor at the broadcast table. “The hell I am doing that!” Suave declares stridently. “But Johnny, it’s in your contract,” Taylor reminds him, “and besides, we desperately need the advertising dollars to pay for things-such as your salary.” Suave can’t believe that Taylor is serious about this. “But singing a jingle?” he asks incredulously. “Besides,” Taylor says, “with the way your hairline’s receding you of all people would be a natural to do a hair loss commercial spot.” “HEY!” Suave barks back, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead where his hair used to be.

Reluctantly, in the end Suave does the spot. (Sung to the tune of “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton) “If you’re losing your hair and you don’t think its fair-Rogaine,” Suave warbles with an unsteady voice, “If you’re going bald and you’re losing it all- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine!” Suave gives Taylor the “do I really have to do this” look. Taylor smiles and nods affirmatively. The host sighs and continues. “If you’ve got a widow’s peak and you wanna be discreet-Rogaine/If it’s all falling out and you don’t wanna pout- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine. “Okay, now you have to do the guitar solo,” Taylor says. “A GUITAR SOLO?” exclaims Suave, “I don’t even know how to play the freakin’ guitar!” “But Johnny it’s in the contract-” Taylor reminds him. “Screw the contract,” Suave interrupts, “let’s get on with the next match.”

America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric vs. Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Tanya Hardy and the White Trash Posse
America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster comes out to a roaring ovation while the brooding Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Hardy gets a less than enthusiastic welcome. The match is a study in contrasts. Couric brings her microphone to the ring. Hardy brings her trademark baton. Couric seems happy, peppy and obnoxiously perky. Hardy’s facial expression is of one who’s about to rip someone’s face off. Couric brings her film crew and producer to the ring. Hardy brings the White Trash Posse- three men dressed in all black with black ski masks over their face.

“Well, this ought to be interesting,” Suave comments as the match gets underway. Couric walks around the ring and talks about of all things- herself. Or in this case, herself being inside a wrestling ring. Hardy stands in the middle and glares at her as Couric gives a running play by play of what they’re supposed to be doing ie… how the match is supposed to be choreographed. As she and Hardy lock up in the middle of the ring, Hardy plays along as Couric lamely attempts a few wrestling moves. The results are comical in nature and therefore perfect for the vapid nature of morning television. After a few more botched wrestling moves, Couric announces to everyone they’re at the point of the match where she knocks out her opponent and wins the match. Then she launches herself into the ropes and slams into Hardy. Hardy doesn’t budge an inch. “Let’s try that again,” Couric says with a big toothy smile on her face as she whips herself again into the ropes and tries to knock Hardy down. No go. Determined, Couric tries one more time to get Hardy off her feet. Nothing doing. Couric stomps up and down and throws a fit. “Hey!” she yells at Hardy, “according to the script you’re supposed to fall down so I can pin you and-” Hardy grabs Couric’s microphone and whaps her aside the head with it. “HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS SHE DOING?” Suave exclaims. Couric’s film crew is horrified and her producer jumps up to the edge of the ring. “Hey!” Couric’s producer shouts at Hardy, “You can’t do that to her! She’s Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female- OWWWW!” The White Trash Posse immediately pounce and whap Couric’s film crew and producer on the knee with batons. With her film crew occupied, Hardy then wraps the microphone cord around Couric’s neck. “HARDY IS CHOKING AMERICA’S FAVORITE FEMALE BROADCASTER!” Suave says. Hardy releases her and Couric flops face first onto the canvas. “You wanna know all about wrestling?” Hardy shouts at her, “I’ll show you what wrestling’s all about.” “Wow, I wonder what she means by that?” asks Suave. Hardy then executes a series of painful wrestling moves. Inverted Surfboard. Boston Crab. Figure four leg lock. Camel Clutch. Hardy then drags Couric across the ring and places her upside down on the corner turnbuckle with her legs slung over the top rope. “I don’t believe it,” Sauve says, “She’s put Couric in the tree of woe!” Hardy then puts a steel folding chair against Couric and then goes to the opposite corner. Then she runs across the ring and baseball slides into the chair which then smacks into Couric. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims as Couric’s body slowly slides off the ropes, “That’s it! She’s out!” The Trailer Park Honey then picks up Couric and puts her in the piledriver position. “Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Not that.” Suave frets, “not- the piledriver!” Immediately BCEW producer Guy Taylor rushes out to the ring to stop Hardy. “STOP!” Taylor cries out, “She’s America’s Favorite-” Again the White Trash Posse come to the rescue with a well-placed baton on Taylor’s knee. “NOOOOO!” an immobilized Taylor shouts as Hardy delivers the piledriver on America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That move ought to be banned. Of course, we’re talking about the piledriver.” Hardy mercifully covers. “1-2-3,” Suave says, “And that’s it. And thank God.”

After the match, medical staff attend to America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “Well, while they’re scraping up Katie Couric from the canvas,” Suave announces, “something clandestine and all secret like is going on backstage.” In one of the back rooms, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein is the phone chasing down the latest big scoop. “What?......You’ve got to be kidding!...A cover up!” Bernstein furiously scribbles notes down on a sheet of paper. “yeah…something about the BCEW men’s champion……dead?……Are you sure?....... Okay… …huh?......I can barely understand your accent……what?......Oh…you’re from Croatia and you have a thick Croatian accent. I get it now……right… What?......You have to go?.........Okay…how can I get in touch with you……..okay……and what can I call you?.........what?.........I can call you……‘Deep Croat?’………O-kay………Yeah, I’ll be in touch…”

Again backstage, Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove push the deceased BCEW men’s champion Rafael Barry Giambee in a wheelchair. “ROIDS!…ROIDS!...ROIDS!” shouts out the audience at the sight of the champion. Giambee is posed sitting up with a towel over his head as if he is relaxing. W just happens to be sauntering down the hall. “Hey champ,” W says, “what’s wrong with you? You look like death warmed over.” Dick quickly responds, “Mr. CEO, he’s relaxing...sleeping. Ah…you could say he’s totally……DEAD to the world.” W looks at the champ. “Oh, okay,” he says and pats him on the back causing Giambee’s head to flop down. “You get your rest champ. I bet you’re just DYING to get back in the ring.” A relieved Dick mumbles “that’s not the half of it,” as W goes on his way. Dick and The Mastermind quickly take the champion into the kitchen.

“There’s just some strange stuff going on,” Suave comments. “That’s about the best way to describe it- strange.” A commotion breaks out in the aisle way. “Huh? Now what’s going on?” Behind Suave, a furious America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric berates her producer for “letting her look bad” on national TV. “HOW THE F*** COULD YOU DO THAT ME! EVERYONE F****** LOVE’S ME! KATIE COURIC! AMERICA’S FAVORITE F****** FEMALE BROADCASTER! NOT THAT TWO-BIT HO TRAILER F****** TRASH-” “Wow,” a shocked Suave exclaims, “she isn’t the cutesy, perky person…OH MY GOD, SHE JUST FIRED HER PRODUCER!.......AND HER FILM CREW! HOLY CRAP!” Couric stomps off leaving the producer and film crew in total disbelief. “WHAT A B****!” comments Suave just as the bar becomes totally dark and a vignette begins to play on Hack’s big screen.

REVENGE OF THE PITH
It’s a story that begins with these words: “long, long ago in a far, far away place.” It traces the wrestling career of one Annapolis Sleepwalker. Annapolis was considered a ‘babyface,’ or wrestler on the ‘good’ side. He was a brilliant theatrical wrestler with a distinct flair for the dramatic. Sleepwalker and his partner and mentor, Opie-Ron Kenofie, joined together to create a formable tag team that lasted many years as they wrestled in the small town circuit throughout the Southwest. It seemed as if nothing would ever separate them. Then came the fateful day that Annapolis met the figure who would forever change his life- King Palpatate. Palpatate was a ‘heel’ and slowly cultivated a relationship with the young Sleepwalker in order to gain his trust. Finally, Palpatate revealed himself to be a “Pith Lord” and used his charismatic influence and undeniable pithiness to turn Annapolis to the ‘bad’ side. Matters came to a head during a tag team match with the “Drunken Luchadors” The Flyin’ Martini Brothers at the Loving County Baked Beans Festival and Emporium when Annapolis turned on his long time partner and joined forces with Palpatate. Over the next two years, the two men carried on a vicious blood feud against each other that lasted over many spectacular matches all over the Southwest. Finally George W, who just happened to be the commissioner of the East Texas Wrasslin’ Association at the time, ordered that a final epic battle be held to settle the feud once and for all- in a Texas Death Match on a fifteen foot plank over a fifty foot flaming barbecue pit. The winner of the match would be the first one to powerslam his opponent into the molten lava-hot burning coals below. The match itself was electrifying as on several occasions both men nearly tumbled into the barbecue pit below. The younger Sleepwalker pushed the older Kenofie to the limit and nearly had the match won when Opie-Ron slips and nearly falls off the board. However Opie-Ron somehow swings himself back up and knocks Annapolis off balance momentarily. King Palpatate then tries to interject himself into the match by sneaking onto the plank. He’s about to push Kenofie off when George W intervenes. W pulls Palpatate off the plank and in the process also accidentally bumps into Sleepwalker. All Palpatate could do is helplessly watch as Annapolis lost his balance and took one last wild swing at Opie-Ron before tumbling down onto the burning coals. Annapolis was burned so badly in the barbecue pit that both legs and one of his arms had to be amputated.

“And why are we telling you this story?” the announcer of the vignette says, “well, because some weird guy dressed up in all black paid me $50 to- ACKKKKK…*choke* unnnnnnghhhh.” Then two figures appear on screen. A menacing looking King Palpatate and a seemingly “rebuilt” Annapolis Sleepwalker. Sleepwalker is dressed in black in a mechanized body suit complete with lots of flashing lights and breathes with the assistance of a machine. Over the heavy breathing of his apprentice, Palpatate declares that the “time has come” for Sleepwalker to reappear after ten long years. “He has come for what George W denied him 10 years ago!” the Pith Lord says as he strains to talk over Sleepwalker’s breathing which gets louder with every second, “A world championship. He is now powerful! He is stronger, faster, than he was before and it didn’t cost me six million dollars! I have-” Palpatate stops as Sleepwalker’s breathing becomes obnoxiously overaudable. “Jesus,” he snaps at his apprentice, “would you tone it down for God’s sake? You sound like a 1-900 phone line!” The screen goes black.

“Okay, that was definitely weird,” Suave says. “Now let’s get back to-” A guest unexpectedly shows up and joins Suave. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “what are you doing out here?” The Mastermind explains that he came out to watch the big three-way-dance to determine the #1 contender for Rafael Barry Giambee’s- the crowd interrupts Rove at this point to chant: “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS…”- BCEW Men’s World Championship. Suave asks The Mastermind his thoughts on the match. “Well, obviously I support the American Patriot’s representative A. Tom Bomb and think he’ll win. Besides, the Progressive Alliance is a bunch of wimps.” Immediately, a loud “YEEEEEAHHHH” sounds and out marches the American Screamer and leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard Deane. Deane and The Mastermind get into a heated argument with each other. Then Dick shows up and he starts in on the American Screamer. Deane says something nasty about the American Patriots; Dick responds with “Oh yeah? Well, your mama!” Deane takes umbrage at the remark about his mother and lunges at Dick and a major fracas develops. “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!” screeches Suave as he tries to get out of the way. As the two men roll around on the floor and flail away at each other, Katie the Waitress blows right by in a big hurry carrying a tray full of beer. “Right Hack,” yells out Katie, “I’ll get that from the walk-in freezer in the kitchen.” Dick immediately stops. “Oh ****,” he says and then tries to pry himself away from the American Screamer. “Let go,” he says as Deane bites him on the arm, “OWWWWWW!” Finally, Dick gouges Deane’s eyes and gets away from him. Then he runs after Katie to stop her from getting into the freezer. Unfortunately, he can’t get there in time. Katie opens up the door to the walk in freezer and finds the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee frozen solid inside. She screams, drops her tray, and then faints. “Well,” Dick observes as he looks down at the passed out waitress, “perhaps we better find another hiding place for him.”

“Okay, that was even weirder.” Suave says. “All right, let’s go. It is time for the big one. Who will become the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship that’s held by a guy who’s apparently been put on ice. We’re just about to find out.”

Three way dance to determine the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship: Justin Sufferable with the Attack Poodle Nancy Puglosi vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. A. Tom Bomb with Daisy Cutter Bomb
Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces the contestants. First out is Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance who walks to the ring with the “Attack Poodle” Nancy Puglosi. Next is “No Frills” Chris Escondido, an independent who comes the ring alone. Finally, out walks A. Tom Bomb who is led to the ring by his well-endowed valet Daisy Cutter Bomb. “It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for,” says Suave building up the event, “three men with a shot to get a chance at the BCEW Men’s champion.” The bell rings and the match begins.

Sufferable and Escondido immediately lock up. Escondido gets Sufferable into a waistlock, but A. Tom Bomb takes down Escondido and starts to work on his legs. Escondido low blows Bomb and breaks out of it. Then he nails Sufferable off the rope, gets in a chop, but Sufferable gets in a big dropkick on Escondido. A. Tom Bomb baseball slides Escondido to the outside of the ring where Daisy Cutter Bomb picks him up and slams him to the floor. Sufferable jumps off the ring apron and misses Escondido landing on the ring barricade instead. Daisy Cutter puts Sufferable back in the ring. A. Tom kicks him a few times, whips him hard into the ropes and hits a huge dropkick. Bomb covers, but only gets a two count as Escondido saves his old friend. Escondido gets Sufferable up in a vertical suplex and comes back down hard, covering in the same motion, but only gets a two count when A. Tom Bomb literally lifts him off. The crowd stands up and applauds the intense non-stop action. A “BCEW” chant starts up. “What an incredible start to this match,” Suave gushes, “all three men really want-” The lights suddenly go out. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW? I have no clue what is going on!” Suddenly the house lights come back up and there’s Annapolis Sleepwalker and his manager Palpatate inside the ring with the other three contestants. “What the hell!” Suave exclaims, “Sleepwalker? Palpatate? What does this mean?” Sufferable then pushes Sleepwalker and tells him to get out of the ring. Sleepwalker picks him up by the throat and choke slams him hard to the canvas. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “He just picked Justin Sufferable up and threw him down like rag doll. Here comes Chris Escondido!” Sleepwalker picks him up and choke slams him hard to the canvas. A. Tom Bomb is the only one left. A. Tom rushes forward and tries to throw a haymaker. Sleepwalker ducks and then latches his hand around the thick neck of A. Tom Bomb. “CHOKE SLAM!” yells Suave as Sleepwalker powers A. Tom Bomb to the canvas. Sleepwalker takes the mic. “The name Annapolis Sleepwalker has no meaning to me. From this point forward, you can call me…Barth Nader!” There’s a hush from the crowd. “BARTH NADER?” Suave says, “what the hell does that mean?” Nader declares that BCEW is just like the corporate lobby in Washington- basically designed to stifle all legislative activity on behalf of consumers. “Oh my God,” Suave wails, “he’s really gone to the other side. He’s talking in recycled quotes from Ralph freakin’ Nader!” Barth Nader states that he has taken pithiness to a whole new level. “George W. and the corporate elites stopped me from becoming world champion once,” Nader says, “Send me your champion, George W., right now. Send him down so I can destroy him just like you destroyed me.” Palpatate then declares that they will keep coming out and disrupting matches until W. sends out the BCEW Men’s Champion and then they leave the ring.

“Well,” Suave says as the pair exits, “Annapolis Sleep-…er…Barth Nader throws down the gauntlet to George W. He wants a title shot against the BCEW champion and they’re going to-” The sound of a cat meowing interrupts Suave followed by chants of “SRB…SRB.” “Ah, the sound of my favorite-…ah never mind…”

SRB- Skanky Rich Bimbos segment
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie come out. They don’t look very happy. Suave announces that he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on but it appears that the Skanky Rich Bimbos could be on the verge of breaking up. Paris takes the mic and tells the crowd that she’s not happy. She wants to replace Nicole with someone else. “You know what you did,” Paris tells Nicole. A shocked Ritchey responds, “I don’t know!” Paris: “Oh yeah? You don’t know that I know that you don’t know……but you still did.” Nicole: “That’s not true! You don’t know that!” “I don’t believe it,” says Suave, “This COULD be the end of the SRB!” Paris: “Well…I don’t know that you know that I know that…that…… ARRRRGHH! This is too hard! It hurts my brain.” Nicole: “Me too.” Paris: “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s just stand here and look hot.” Nicole: “Great idea! Everyone knows that- we sizzle…” Paris: “And you all……all……oh @#$#. What’s that word again?” Someone whispers “fizzle” to Paris. “Right. You all fizzle,” Paris says just as the lights go down once again. “Not again!” whines Suave.

After a few seconds the lights come back on and Barth Nader towers over the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB look terrified. “Oh no!” Suave says, “Oh no, no, no, no, no! He can’t do that to them.” Paris and Nicole each try to get out of the ring but Nader grabs them both by the neck and pithly says, “You are no match for my tremendous power derived from the people who are oppressed by big multi-national corporations.” “Yeah, no @#$# Sherlock!” Suave says as Nader lifts them both into the air and delivers a devastating double choke slam to the Skanky Rich Bimbos. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Barth Nader just killed the SRB!” The girls lay motionless on the canvas as Nader leaves the ring. Suave implores the paramedics to get into the ring and help them.

Backstage, W. watches what is happening with his aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. “I want a meeting right away,” W tells Dick. “Call Reid. Howard Dean. Johnny Suave. Everyone. I want them in my office now!”

Back in the ring, paramedics still attend to the SRB. Suave gets a message on his earpiece. He explains that he has been called to an emergency meeting to be held in George W’s office.

The obligatory Green World Order segment
The Green World Order aka…Peacenik #1 and #2, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and Peta from PETA, sit around a table in the back moping about their latest failure. Peta from PETA whines that people don’t care. Brock Cole Lee still fumes about Nic Koteen blowing smoke in his eyes and grilling hamburgers. Peacenik #1 and #2 still smart from getting their ass kicked in Episode 3 of Loose Cannons Unleashed. “Face it,” Peta from PETA says, “we are not meeting any of our objectives.” “Firepower,” Peacenik #1 pipes up, “as much as I hate to say it, we need more firepower.” There’s some grumbling among the GWO when Barth Nader walks in. Nader, in total search and destroy mode, immediately grabs Brock Cole Lee and threatens to choke slam him through the table. “WAIT!” shouts Peta from PETA who then proceeds to compliment Barth on his pithy Green agenda. Surprisingly, Nader puts Brock Cole Lee down. “I have to admit that the whole violence thing is a bit much but otherwise we all dig your message!” Peacenik #2 explains, “Can we join forces?” Barth Nader mulls the offer but declines. “A Pith Lord only works with his master,” he says, “but since we share the same ideals you are safe from my wrath.” Nader departs. The GWO all look relieved. Brock Cole Lee smiles and says, “Hey. Do you want to wear one of our shirts?” “Don’t press your luck!” advises Nader. Lee: “Right…”

Meeting- W’s office.
Harry Reid aka Pith Lord Barth Rabidenous of the Progressive Alliance, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, Johnny Suave, BCEW announcer, Tom “The Texas Hammer” DeLay from the American Patriots, W’s aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove attend the meeting. W is fuming. The first thing he does is accuse Harry Reid and the Progressive Alliance of being behind Barth Nader’s run-ins. Reid denies any involvement in the matter and tells W, “Barth Nader does not act under my authority. He has crossed over to the green side.” W then suggests that the BCEW Men’s champion Barry US Bonds Giambi- again, the crowd shouts out “ROIDS! ROIDS!” -take on Nader. “NO!” exclaims Dick who then goes on to explain that the champion is ‘unavailable’ and that he’s ‘training.’ “In a meat locker,” adds The Mastermind, “yeah. Just like Rocky!”

Then Woodward Bernstein, BCEW Investigative Reporter, confronts W. “Mr. CEO, isn’t it true that the real reason the BCEW Men’s Champion can’t help is that HE’S DEAD FROM COMPLICATIONS RELATING TO THE OVERUSE OF STEROIDS AND IS NOW HANGING ON A HOOK INSIDE THE WALK-IN COOLER OF HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON?” W is furious. “That’s ridiculous!,” he sputters as Dick and the Mastermind also throw in their two cents. “Mr. CEO,” Bernstein persists, “What did you know about Barry US Bonds Giambi’s steroid use and when did you know it!” “You’re out of order!” shouts back Dick.

“Just a second here,” a voice says. It’s Faux News ace reporter Brian Wilson. “Mr. Reid…or should I say- Barth Rabidenous. Isn’t it really true that this is a plot by the Progressive Alliance to disrupt and obstruct BCEW because they’re not getting their way.” Dean immediately denounces Faux News as a tool of the American Patriots and claims that “the American Patriots are evil. They’ve never worked a single day in their life.” “Just answer the @$#$ing question!” Wilson continues, “why can’t you @#$#ing answer the @#$#ing question?” “Hey, you’re Brian Wilson!” Suave jumps in. Wilson is like ‘yeah? And your point is?’ “I loved your music with the Beach Boys,” gushes Suave, “and Smile was freakin’ awesome man!” Wilson becomes incensed. “I’m not that @#$#ing Brian Wilson you @#$#ing dolt. I’m Brian @#$#ing Wilson of Faux News- Fair and Imbalanced! What the #@$%!...” The meeting then degenerates and is quickly adjourned.

Backstage- Utopian Nation leader Kofi Annan, The French Connection leader Jacques Chirac are in the middle of a heated argument with “The A-hole” John Bolton and “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld over the UN’s involvement in resolving the Barth Nader conflict. Annan and Chirac insist that only the Utopian Nations can solve this problem. Bolton points his pointed finger back at Annan and calls the UN a big @#$#ing joke!

Nader walks by. He first choke slams Annan and then “Mr. Old School.” Then Chirac immediately waves a white flag- no matter. Nader choke slams him too. Bolton unleashes a stream of obscenities at the Pith Lord- he gets choke slammed into a trash dumpster.

Three way mixed tag team match: Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson vs. Britney Spears & Kevin Federline vs. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
The three way mixed tag match of overexposed celebrity couples we’re tired of seeing on TV every five seconds one doesn’t even get under way. After Affleck is introduced to a chorus of quacking ducks shouting out “AFLAC!” every two seconds, Barth Nader comes out. He flicks his hand and all three couples are unceremoniously thrown out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! Suave wails. “He just waved his hand and they all flew out of the ring!”

Back in W’s office, he talks with the tag team “The Red Shirts.” The Red Shirts are a group devoted to the anonymous, unsung heroes who accompanied Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and crew down to a planet’s surface on various dangerous and life threatening missions. “The next time that maniac comes out you guys go in there and stop him.” W instructs them. The Red Shirts enthusiastically embrace their task.

Suave consoles the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “At least nothing’s happened to you,” he says.

America’s Sweethearts- Tom Cruise and Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes aka TomKat.
International movie superstar Tom Cruise comes out to the ring with his brand new sweetheart, Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes. “As much as it’s good to see Katie back in Buckland County,” Suave observes, “I wonder if it’s a good idea to be out here right now.” As TomKat approaches the ring, Towel Guy, 17 year old Derek Munson, dries off the ring ropes with a towel and bucket of water. Katie enters the ring first, then Tom Cruise. Cruise accidently bumps into Towel Guy and water from his bucket splashes onto the superstar. Cruise is pissed. “What kind of jerk are you?” he says to the unsuspecting Towel Guy, “A jerk! That’s what you are!” “Isn’t he dreamy?” gushes Katie, “he’s just like the poster of him I used to have on my wall.” Cruise then threatens to sue Towel Guy. “Oh let it go already,” Suave says, “it was a freakin’ accident.”

Cruise then takes the mic. “I came here to announce that Katie and I are engaged to be married.” Cruise says, “but first I’d like to comment on some of the stuff that’s been going on tonight.” Suave: “I guess he does know what’s been happening.” “First off, all this pithy, alleged supernatural nonsense is nothing more than a bunch of bull#$%$! There’s no such thing as supernatural pith-like powers,” declares Cruise, “it’s a myth. A fraud.” The crowd hushes and buzzes as Barth Nader suddenly appears in the aisle. “No you see,” Cruise says to audience, totally unaware that Nader is lurking close by, “here’s the problem. You all don’t know the history of supernatural pith-like powers. I do. That’s why *ZAP* ARRRRGHHHHHH…” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says disbelievingly, “Nader’s shooting streams of electricity into Tom Cruise!” Katie jumps out of the ring and starts smacking Nader with her purse. Bad move. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “Now he’s doing the same to Buckland County’s sweetheart Katie Holmes! Someone stop him. I don’t know if I can handle any more of this!” Nader then shoots a bolt of electricity towards Suave’s broadcast table. Suave ducks and the electricity engulfs the Shania Twain cardboard cut out in a halo of bright light. Suddenly, the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out animates and does a sexy table dance on the broadcast table. “Okay, I can handle that!” Suave says appreciatively.

Two men then come flying towards the ring. “WHAT? It’s the Red Shirts! The group named in tribute to the poor unlucky souls who accompany the stars of Star Trek on away missions and usually end up dead! WHOA! Nader just whipped out some type of light beam stick thingy… *fpharmawmph* HE JUST CUT THE RED SHIRTS IN HALF! HOLY CRAP!” Nader then takes the mic and again demands that W sends out his champion. “If you won’t send your environmentally unfriendly, big business oppressing champion out to me, I’ll just come to you.” “IT’S TOTAL PANDEMONIUM! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE AND NADER’S GOING AFTER W!” Suave exclaims as the camera follows Barth Nader as he leaves the ring and goes to the back toward W’s office. Nader literally throws anyone in his path out of his way as he advances down the hall and then literally runs right into Straight Shootin’ John McCain. “OH NO! NOT MCCAIN!” Suave says as both Nader and McCain stare at each other. Then inexplicatively Nader says to McCain, “Hey John, how are you doing?” McCain: “Very well. And you?” Nader: “Good, good.” McCain: “Glad to hear it.” Nader: “Hey can I get a picture with you?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain has one of the backstage people snap a picture of him and Barth Nader. Nader: “Thanks.” McCain: “Don’t mention it.” Nader: “The wife and kids okay?” McCain: They’re good. And you?” Nader points to his mechanized suit. McCain: “Oh. Sorry.” Nader: “Not a problem. Say, could you tell me where W’s office is?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain gives Nader the directions, they exchange pleasantries one more time and then each go their separate way.

W hides underneath his desk when Nader arrives at his office. Nader literally reaches underneath the desk and yanks W out by his tie. “Listen, you screwed me out of a championship before; you won’t screw me out of it again!” he says to W. “Either send out your champion or else you can show up in the ring himself.” With that, Nader flings W into his executive chair and exits. A visibly shaken W sits quietly in his chair mulling his options. Then Towel Guy comes in. “Do you need me anymore or can I go home?” Towel Guys asks. W begins to tell Towel Guy to go home. “Hold on a sec,” W says as he reaches into his desk and pulls out a replica of the BCEW Men’s championship belt. “You know, I don’t think you get enough credit for what you do. Take this as a token of my appreciation, a reward for a job well done.” W hands Towel Guy the belt. “WOW!” says Towel Guy, staring at the belt, “gee thanks Mr. W sir.” W then gives Towel Guy a $50 bill and asks him to give the ring ropes one last cleaning. “You can even wear the BCEW Men’s championship belt,” W says, “wear it with pride and get out there and make those ropes shine!” Towel Guy again thanks W and then grabs his water bucket to go to the ring.

“I don’t believe this! I can’t believe W is sending Towel Guy out there with the belt!” Suave says as Towel Guy hops into the ring and gets to work washing down the ropes. “Someone, anyone, get him out of that ring before its-” The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Barth Nader and Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

BARTH NADER VS. TOWEL GUY
“Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

“Well on that note,” Suave says, “that’s it for Revenge of the Pith. We’ll be back with our next special- ‘Weekend at Barry’s’ very soon. I’m Johnny Suave and this has been Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.