Tuesday, March 25, 2008

3/24- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV – March 24th (taped March 21st)
From Hudson High School Gymnasium, Hudson, MI.
Host: Johnny Suave


Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW! And special shout out to everyone here tonight who braved the early spring snowstorm that dumped 8 inches on Hudson, Michigan.”

The camera pulls tight on one member of the audience who suddenly stands up and declares: “GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!” Suave chuckles and starts to run down the show. He’s interrupted when Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” blares over the sound system. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “I wonder what he’s doing here?” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore goes up to the guy complaining about global warming and asks, “what did you say?” The guy declares again: “I SAID, GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!” Gore: “I see.” Then he hits the guy with a Singapore caneshot. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Gore pulls the guy from the stands and starts caning him, muttering something about ‘the case for global warming has been proved’ over and over.

In the Progressive Alliance locker room, DLC (Democratic Leadership Council) and Union Jac watch. Union Jac notes that Al Gore’s been on two BCEW episodes in a row. DLC admits that neither Barack nor Hillary have the upper hand right now. Union Jac: “What if, the reason Al Gore’s been on BCEW the last two weeks is because he may jump into the race?” Both look at each other quizzically. DLC and Union Jac: “Nah…”

MATCH #1 SIX MAN TAG MATCH- NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY featuring Jack Schmitt, Bull Schmitt, and Horst Schmitt (Independent) vs. RICHARD HEADD and MICHAEL HUNT of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname and SNAFU (Jobbers)
Jack Schmitt gets on the mic and tells everyone to watch as they ‘beat the living Schmitt out of their opponents.’ Suave sighs. Suave: “Yep. I knew this was going to bring nothing but one bad pun after another.” The Schmitts immediately attack. They mercilessly pound their opponents to the point where the crowd starts chanting ‘BULL-@#$#.’ Bull Schmitt: “Look! They’re chanting for me.” Suave: “No. Not quite.” Jack and Bull deliver the Schmitt-brick to Michael Hunt and Bull covers for the pin.

WINNER: NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY

GEORGE W SEGMENT
The perpetually off-key mariachi band leads BCEW CEO George W to the ring with another horribly played, but rousing, rendition of “Hail to the Chief.” In the ring, George W talks about his tenure as BCEW CEO and acknowledges that at BCEW Extreme Election 2008 in November, a new BCEW CEO will be chosen. W says it could be John McCain of the American Patriots. Or it could be either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton from the Progressive Alliance. W even throws a nod at Darth (Ralph) Nader of the Green World Order. W: “The next few months are going to be exciting for all BCEW fans. But I’m here tonight to announce that…it’s time…” Suave: “It’s time? It’s time for what?” W: “It’s time for another…BCEW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS!”

This news brings the house down. W announces that next week at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, all four titles will be on the line. The matches are as follows:

- BCEW Television Title: ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) defends against Big Oil with Texas Tex (American Patriots)
- BCEW Tag Team Title: ‘Drunken Luchadors’ Dan and Don Martini (Independent) put their tag team title up against A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
- BCEW Women’s Title: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance) defends against former champion Kathryn Randall Collins aka…KRC with Hillary Clinton in her corner (Progressive Alliance)
- BCEW Title: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes with John McCain in his corner (American Patriots) makes his first title defense against the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)

Immediately, Hillary Clinton comes out. She protests O’Beck Bahama getting the BCEW title shot because her wrestler, Triple R, just like Hillary, is more experienced and ready to challenge the BCEW champion. Hillary: “For example, one time I was in Bosnia and we had to land in one of those ‘corkscrew’ landings and run out like hell because of the snipers. I don’t remember anyone offering me tea on the tarmac there.” Hillary reiterates that only she has the gravitas to lead the Progressive Alliance and-”

She’s interrupted by another Exploding Sheep Productions short film. This film shows a smiling Hillary Clinton calmly walking across the tarmac and bending over to greet an 8 year old Bosnian girl. The film ends.

The spotlight back on Hillary who sputters, “Oh @#$#” and then exits with a parting shot at Barack Obama “Well, if Reverend Wright was my pastor, I would have left the church!”

MATCH #2 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. FUBAR (Jobber)
Big Oil takes the mic and brags, yet again, about the record oil prices and how much money he’s raking in day after day after day. He calls the American people ‘stupid’ and mocks them for being addicted to oil. Big Oil then calls himself the elite- just like the power teams from the elite conferences still left in the NCAA Basketball tournament. He derides the ‘weak’ mid-majors who don’t belong on the same floor as the ‘real’ teams.

FUBAR takes exception to this and attacks Big Oil to start the match. Big Oil laughs and throws FUBAR into the corner. He sticks his big boot across FUBAR’s throat and chokes him. The referee tries to make him stop but Big Oil pushes him down and continues to choke out FUBAR. Body slam to FUBAR. Then Big Oil hurls him through the ropes and out of the ring. Texas Tex wanders over and whips FUBAR with his golden money belt. A skinny, youthful looking college student runs in and grabs the money belt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DAVIDSON SOPHOMORE GUARD STEPHEN CURRY! HE’S GRABBED THE MONEY BELT!”

Curry yanks the money belt away from Tex and gets Big Oil’s attention. He goes to the ropes and starts yelling at Curry. FUBAR manages to pull himself up and clips the knee of Big Oil. Curry throws a steel-folding chair in and FUBAR goes to town on the big guy’s leg. FUBAR gets him off his feet and then continues to assault Big Oil with the chair. Suave: “He’s…he’s coming back! FUBAR’s going for the big upset!” FUBAR rolls up Big Oil. One. Two. Th- Big Oil rolls himself on top of FUBAR. One. Two. Three.

WINNER: BIG OIL

Suave: “A game effort by FUBAR. Maybe next-…WAIT! BIG OIL’S NOT LETTING UP ON FUBAR!” Enraged, Big Oil pounds away at his fallen opponent. He chokeslams FUBAR. Oklahoma City Driller. Another chokeslam. He turns to Stephen Curry and dares him to get in the ring. He doesn’t. But BCEW Television champion Chris Escondido does. Face to face showdown. Big Oil swings. Escondido ducks and then kicks Big Oil in the jewels. Escondido follows with a neckbreaker and leaves Big Oil in a heap inside the ring. Suave: “Next week, Escondido and Big Oil get it on for the BCEW television title.”

HOWARD DEAN SEGMENT
*YEEEEEEEEE-AHHHHHHHH!* ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean comes to the ring and he’s not happy at all. Dean brings Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and former BCEW CEO candidate Bill Richardson to the ring. Dean: “When I said last week that there was to be no more interference from either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, I meant that there would be no interference from ANYONE associated with either one. I didn’t expect this…”

REPLAY OF THE END OF LAST WEEKS’ MATCH BETWEEN TRIPLE R AND BIG OIL
Texas Tex climbs up on the ring edge and takes off his golden money belt. Out of nowhere, a man flies in and grabs the money belt from Tex. He climbs in the ring and powders Triple R with the money belt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S THE REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT! HE’S AN OBAMA SUPPORTER!” Triple R releases the hold and slumps to the canvas. Hillary screams at Rev. Wright. Barack Obama runs down to the ring and tries to get Rev. Wright out of the ring. Rev. Wright whips Triple R with the money belt again. Hillary goes ballistic. Obama tries again to get him out of the ring. Clinton surrogate Geraldine Ferraro then runs in and grabs the money belt away. Big Oil pulls himself back up. Ferraro doesn’t see Triple R stumble up behind her. She swings the money belt at Big Oil, he ducks, and she whiffs. The belt then boomerangs around and catches Triple R flush in the jaw. He’s back down. Big Oil lifts Triple R and hits the Oklahoma City Driller. He covers and gets the win.

Hillary Clinton again comes out and implores Dean, Pelosi, and Reid to choose her as the Progressive Alliance nominee. Clinton then turns to Bill Richardson. Hillary: “Tell them. Tell them I’d be the best choice, Bill. You’ve worked with me before. You should know.” Uncomfortable, Richardson takes the microphone. He tells Hillary he doesn’t care for the ‘gutter’ tactics that she’s used and the sense of entitlement towards the BCEW CEO position among her supporters. Richardson: “That’s why I’m supporting Barack Obama.” Hillary gasps. Her Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) immediately come out and confront Richardson. Carville goes ballistic and calls Richardson a Judas. Carville: “You’ve committed an act of betrayal against Hillary Clinton, no different from Judas selling out Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.” Hillary’s wrestler, Triple R, sneaks in and attacks Richardson. Triple R, Carville, and McAuliffe beat down Richardson until O’Beck Bahama and Barack Obama arrive and then it totally breaks down. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid try to break up the melee but are pushed to the side.

Suave: “IT’S ALL OUT WAR! NEXT WEEK, BCEW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS! FOUR TITLES ON THE LINE. SEE YOU THEN!”

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

3/17- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV – March 17th
From BCEW Hall, Eagle Rock, Ohio.
Host: Johnny Suave


Johnny Suave: “Last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV, we crowned the first BCEW Television champion in a match with a very controversial end. After Triple R made Big Oil tap out to the figure four leg lock, here’s what happened…”

REPLAY OF THE END OF THE BIG OIL (American Patriots) vs. TRIPLE R (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) FOR THE BCEW TELEVISION TITLE
Just after the referee calls Big Oil out, O’Beck Bahama, Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, Daily Kos) hit the ring and attack Triple R. This brings out Hillary Clinton and her Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Harold Ickes) and it’s an all out fight. Barack’s side has the numbers and Triple R gets destroyed. Then they roll him back into the ring for Escondido to score the pin and the BCEW Television title.

*YEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH*

Suave: “And here comes the leader of the Progressive Alliance, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean. I’m sure he’ll have some choice words about what happened last week.”

Sure enough, Dean is furious about O’Beck Bahama costing Triple R the BCEW Television title last week. He calls both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama out and reads them the riot act. Dean states that it’s his job to promote Progressive Alliance wrestlers to win BCEW titles. Dean: “It’s a little hard to do that when one Progressive Alliance member deliberately takes out another.” Dean tells both of them he realizes that it’s a very heated, passionate, and hard fought battle going on to determine the Progressive Alliance nominee to be the next BCEW CEO. Dean: “But, that doesn’t excuse what happened last week.”

Hillary tries to make the point that she’s experienced, tested, and ready to handle these type of situations. Hillary: “It’s clear that my opponent has resorted to cheap, dirty tactics in order to-” Barack interrupts at that point to point out that HRC is the last person who should be complaining about ‘cheap, dirty tactics.’ Both start to squabble before Dean finally steps in. Hillary tells Dean that no matter how many victories O’Beck Bahama has over Triple R, the final decision on who the Progressive Alliance should nominate for BCEW CEO and which wrestler the PA should push for the BCEW title should rest with the leadership of the Progressive Alliance.

Dean: “It’s funny that you say that.” Dean then calls down John Edwards and Christopher Dodd. Both Edwards and Dodd state they will stay neutral until either Barack or Hillary decide their issues. HRC: “What about…him?” Dean: “Him?” HRC: “HIM?” Dean: “Ohhhhh.” Suddenly, Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” begins to play and the crowd rises. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE!” A man dressed in a flannel shirt sipping a mocha appears in the back. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK AT THE BCEW HALL!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore reaches the ring. Dean: “Well?” Gore: “Uh, yes. I’m staying neutral, too.”

Dean announces that O’Beck Bahama and Triple R will meet April 22nd at the 9th BCEW Roadshow Across America tour date in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The winner of that match will get a shot at Star N. Stripes’s (American Patriots) BCEW Title at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 in June. Dean then lays down the law. Until April 22nd, no more interfering in each other’s matches. And he beseeches both HRC and Barack to tone down the rhetoric. Dean: “Got it?” HRC and Barack nod. Dean: “Good. YEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

Suave: “God, I hate it when he does that.”

MATCH #1 A. TOM BOMB of the New Libertarian Army w/Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. MYSTERY OPPONENT (Who Knows??)
Daisy deviates from her usual military garb to sport an oversized Paul McCartney t-shirt. Suave: “Mystery opponent? What the hell is that all about?” We soon find out. A bunch of Billy Crystal’s pals escort Crystal, who’s blindfolded, down the aisle towards the ring. One friend carries a 60th birthday cake. Suave: “O-kay. First Billy Crystal got to play for the New York Yankees for his birthday. Now? He’s going to wrestle in an actual BCEW match?” Once in the ring, the blindfold is removed and everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to Crystal. The actor gets his first look at A. Tom Bomb and suddenly starts thinking real hard about his own mortality. The bell rings and the match begins.

A-Bomb slides out of the ring and with H-Bomb’s help, slides a table into the ring. A-Bomb takes his time and makes sure the table is set up correctly. Then he turns to Crystal…and smiles. Crystal: “This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?” A-Bomb: “Just for a few minutes.” Crystal closes his eyes as A-Bomb lifts him up and then delivers an Atomic Power Bomb through the table. Crowd: “BCEW! BCEW!” A-Bomb covers and the birthday boy gets counted out.

WINNER: A. TOM BOMB

Post match, Crystal is stretchered out surrounded by his friends. Three men come to the ring and confront the New Libertarian Army. One man identifies himself as Jack Schmitt. He objects to A-Bomb and H-Bomb calling themselves the New Libertarian Army because they don’t know ‘Jack Schmitt’ about what being a Libertarian means. Jack: “You just played along because you were drawn in by Ron Paul. You’re not true Libertarians.” Reluctantly, A-Bomb and H-Bomb agree.

Then John McCain comes out. McCain tells the Bomb Brothers that it’s time to come home to the American Patriots. He realizes that the reason they left had more to do with George W and his aide de camp, Dick, then a lack of support in the American Patriots. A-Bomb and H-Bomb confer…and they agree. McCain leaves and A-Bomb turns to Jack Schmitt. A-Bomb: “No hard feelings?” Jack: “No hard feelings. But, you ain’t going anywhere yet.” Two more men then come to the ring. Jack tells A-Bomb that they fancy themselves the toughest of the tough. Jack points to one of the men. Jack: “I think that’s Bull Schmitt.” A-Bomb: “Uh…come again?” Bull Schmitt reinterates that his name is Bull Schmitt. Jack points to the other. Jack: “That’s Horst Schmitt.”

Suave: “Well what interesting names. And plenty of opportunities for cheap, gratuitous jokes at the Schmitt’s expense.”

MATCH #2 THE BOMB BROTHERS- A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb w/ Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs. THE ‘NEW’ NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY- Jack Schmitt, Bull Schmitt, and Horst Schmitt (Independent)
The Schmitts don’t wait for the bell. All three men launch each other at the Bomb Brothers and it’s on. The Schmitts equate themselves well with the Bomb Brothers. A-Bomb and Jack Schmitt go out of the ring and start hitting each other with everything but the kitchen sink. At least, that’s until they make their way back to the kitchen area. Jack rips the kitchen sink from the cupboard and knocks out A-Bomb with it. H-Bomb goes ballistic in the ring and Hydrogen Power Bombs Bull Schmitt through a table. Horst Schmitt chases poor Newt Tron Bomb around the ring until Horst runs into a well placed Singapore cane shot by little sister Daisy. Then Newt Tron sticks his ass in Horst’s face… Suave: “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY! HOLY CRAP…THAT STINKS!” Suave grumbles about gas masks and a better diet for N-Bomb.

The remaining four head back into the ring. H-Bomb and N-Bomb circle Jack and Bull Schmitt. Daisy walks by Johnny Suave and points to her Paul McCartney t-shirt. All four lock up in the middle of the ring. Then a commotion breaks out ringside. A blond woman accosts Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Suave: “What the hell? THAT’S HEATHER MILLS! HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?” Mills bitches about not getting enough money from McCartney in their divorce settlement, McCartney’s attorney, the judge in the case, and then chastises Daisy for wearing a t-shirt with his face on it. Mills: “How dare you wear that shirt in my presence?” She pokes her finger on Daisy’s chest and tells her she should pay her for wearing that shirt out in public. Daisy shakes her head and walks away.

Enraged, Mills grabs a pitcher of water off Suave’s table and dumps it over Daisy’s head. Suave: “Ooooh. Bad move. And can someone get me some more water?” Dripping wet, Daisy grabs the pitcher and throws it down. The pitcher bounces several times. Daisy picks up Mills and sets her on the edge of Suave’s broadcast table. Then she starts pulling on Mills’s leg as McCartney’s ex-wife tries to scratch her eyes out. Suave: “What is she doing?” Daisy pulls hard on the leg while Mills flails away. Suave: “Oh. I know.” Suave leans over and tells Daisy: “other leg.” Daisy: “Oh.” Daisy yanks off Mills prosthetic leg and clocks her in the head with it. Crowd: “BCEW! BCEW!”

In the ring, Newt Tron Bomb stands tall as Jack and Horst Schmitt have been overcome by his noxious fumes. Unfortunately, he didn’t give his brother H-Bomb any advance warning either so he’s unconscious in the ring. N-Bomb sticks his foot on Jack Schmitt and gets the win.

WINNER: THE BOMB BROTHERS

EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:
Independent film maker A. Kuluha Bacardi comes out to screen his first mini-movie feature. The lights go down and the film appears on a big screen.

Fade from black. There’s a table covered in frilly doilies and stuff with a pink phone on top.

Narrator: It’s 3 AM and your children and wife are safe and asleep- back in Albany, New York. It’s been a long day and you decide you need to sneak down to Washington D.C. for a little R&R. Sure, there’s other things going on in New York state that need your attention. But you’re a man and a man has…needs. So, it’s 3 AM. Your wife and children are safe and asleep. Who do you want to answer the phone?

Female voice: Hello. This is Kristen.

Male voice: Kristen. This is Governor- er…I mean, this is #9.

“The End.”

Hillary Clinton comes out to complain. Hillary: “You’re mocking my ad that clearly shows why I am the most tested, experienced, and ready-” Texas Tex comes out, pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing in cash, followed closely by the hulking Big Oil. Tex throws down the challenge to Triple R. Tex: “Last week, you got the better of us. But this week, there’s no one else except you and Big Oil. Come out and let’s dance!” Triple R, predictably, runs right out.

MATCH #3 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “It’s the battle of the two biggest A-holes in BCEW!” Right by Triple R. Right by Big Oil. Back and forth they go. Big Oil tries to get off his power moves but Triple R is agile enough to steer clear. Quick chain wrestling sequence actually gets the BCEW Hall crowd’s appreciation. Now they circle. Triple R charges but Big Oil throws him into the corner turnbuckle. Power slam by Big Oil. Scoop slam. Triple R kicks Big Oil in the balls. Suave: “LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW!” Half the crowd cheers; half the crowd boos. Hillary slides a steel-folding chair in. Triple R skateboards it across Big Oil’s face. Chairshot by Triple R. Chairshot to the knee. Suave: “He’s trying to soften up the big guy for the figure four.” One more chairshot to the knee and Triple R goes for the figure four. Big boot to Triple R’s back sends him flying across the ring. Big Oil limps over and gets his leg swept. Triple R cinches on the figure four.

Texas Tex climbs up on the ring edge and takes off his golden money belt. Out of nowhere, a man flies in and grabs the money belt from Tex. He climbs in the ring and powders Triple R with the money belt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S THE REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT! HE’S AN OBAMA SUPPORTER!” Triple R releases the hold and slumps to the canvas. Hillary screams at Rev. Wright. Barack Obama runs down to the ring and tries to get Rev. Wright out of the ring. Rev. Wright whips Triple R with the money belt again. Hillary goes ballistic. Obama tries again to get him out of the ring. Clinton surrogate Geraldine Ferraro then runs in and grabs the money belt away. Big Oil pulls himself back up. Ferraro doesn’t see Triple R stumble up behind her. She swings the money belt at Big Oil, he ducks, and she whiffs. The belt then boomerangs around and catches Triple R flush in the jaw. He’s back down. Big Oil lifts Triple R and hits his Oklahoma City Driller. Good night. Triple R gets the pin.

WINNER: BIG OIL

Ferraro looks stunned. Hillary can’t believe what just happened. And the American Screamer Howard Dean watches from the back. He shakes his head.

Monday, March 10, 2008

3/9- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV
From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, Ohio.
Host: Johnny Suave



Suave: “The BCEW Roadshow across America was a huge success. It all led up to last week at BCEW ‘Day of Judgment’ right down the road in Columbus, Ohio, when BCEW crowned a new champion…”

REPLAY OF FINAL MOMENTS OF STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) MATCH FOR THE BCEW TITLE
It comes down to the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. Starz puts on a wrestling clinic, constantly staying one step ahead of the inexperienced Bahama. Armbar by Starz. Bahama reverses to a half nelson. Starz reverses that into a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama twists and escapes. Dropkick by Bahama. Chop by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed with a suplex. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz bounces up, lifts him up, and back suplexes Bahama. A second back suplex by Starz. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. 1…2…3…and we’ve got a new champion.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION: ‘THE ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ STARZ N. STRIPES

Justin Sufferable presents the belt to Starz N. Stripes and he and John McCain celebrate in the ring.

Suave congratulates Starz N. Stripes. Then he starts to run down the goings on over the past two months when the horribly off-key mariachi band shows up playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ BCEW CEO George W walks to the ring with his glum looking aide de camp, Dick. Suave: “Well, I wonder what the BCEW CEO wants to say?”

AMERICAN PATRIOTS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
George W tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd that he has a special announcement to make…but first he’d like to sing a song. The off-key mariachi band starts playing the music for “Green, Green Grass of Home” but W warbles different lyrics: “And there to meet me is my mama and my papa, down the lane I look and here comes Barney, heart of gold and breath like honey; it's good to touch the brown, brown grass of home.” Suave: Well, that was different. Okay, the BCEW CEO-…” Much to Suave’s, and the crowds, dismay, W keeps a singin’: “For there's Condi and Dick, my old compadre, talking to me about some oil rich Saudi, but soon I'll touch the brown, brown grass of home.” Suave: “Okay, now maybe he’s done-” W: “That old White house is behind me, I am once again carefree, don't have to worry `bout a crisis in Pyongyang. Down the lane I look, Dick Cheney is strolling with documents he'd been withholding, it's good to touch the brown, brown grass of home.”

Suave: “Okay, is he done, now?” Apparently not as W calls out John McCain to the ring. McCain appears and W, reluctantly, announces that he will be the nominee of the American Patriots to become the next BCEW CEO. Then McCain and George W hug…okay, not so much a hug but an awkward embrace- you know, like ex-lovers who run into each other on the street and that whole awkward thing? That. Dick looks sick. Ann Coulter cries. Tom DeLay looks like he’s about to hold Congress in session indefinitely until he gets the votes needed to ram through a piece of legislation…if he were still in Congress.

MATCH #1 Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army- A. TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs. FUBAR and SNAFU (Jobbers extraordinaire)
Suave: “The New Libertarian Army are the new number one contenders for the BCEW Tag Team titles.” H-Bomb starts with an improved FUBAR. H-Bomb is in control when Ron Paul walks to the ring. The action slows and then stops. Paul tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd that he has something to say. Paul announces that in lieu of John McCain’s nomination, he is formally dropping his bid to become BCEW CEO. And with that, he departs. A-Bomb isn’t surprised. H-Bomb is visibly upset. Suave: “Over the past couple weeks, H-Bomb has steadfastly stuck up for Paul. How will he handle this?” We find out very quickly. H-Bomb slugs and then delivers three Hydrogen Power Bombs in a row to poor FUBAR. But instead of covering him, H-Bomb then leaves.

A-Bomb climbs in the ring and SNAFU attempts to take advantage of the two on one…of course, if there was a two on one. FUBAR lies not moving. A-Bomb lifts SNAFU up and hits an Atomic Power Bomb. Then he covers both FUBAR and SNAFU. 1…2…3.

WINNER: A.TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB

HILLARY CLINTON PROMO
Hillary points out that O’Beck Bahama’s loss to Starz N. Stripes proves that she was right all along. Hillary: “Barack Obama is clearly not ready to handle the responsibility of leading the Progressive Alliance. Let’s watch what happened last week after the match…”

REPLAY OF THE AFTERMATH OF THE STARZ N. STRIPES/O’BECK BAHAMA MATCH
As a dejected Bahama and Obama leave, Triple R and the Clinton Political Pitbulls suddenly jump them. While Hillary and Bill Clinton urge them on, James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, Mark Penn, and Harold Ickes overwhelm Bahama and Obama. ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean tries to get in and separate the two warring factions. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi also wade into the fracas and restrain Obama. Hillary nods approvingly when Triple R plants Bahama through a table. Away from the scrum, Harold Ickes suddenly hauls off and smacks fellow Clinton Political Pitbull Mark Penn for no reason. They get separated. Dean, Reid, and Pelosi protect Bahama from further hurt.

Triple R attempts to crash Starz N. Stripe’s celebration. Justin Sufferable nearly decapitates him with his crutch. Triple R wisely retreats.

Hillary points at Obama and tells him ‘it’s not over. It’s not over by any stretch of the imagination. I’m going all the way and there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.


HILLARY PROMO CONTINUED
Hillary against asserts that she’s the best, experienced, tested choice for BCEW CEO and her wrestler, Triple R, was the best, experienced, tested choice to represent the Progressive Alliance in last week’s BCEW title match. Hillary: “Like the little girl sleeping at 3 AM, when that phone rings who do you want to answer the call when a crisis erupts?” Female voice: “Barack Obama!” The crowd gasps. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WHO’S THAT?” The woman introduces herself: “My name is Casey Knowles and I am the girl in that commercial. I was eight years old when that was shot. Now, I’m eighteen and I say that the ‘fear-mongering’ message in that spot is nothing more than a cheap political shot.” Hillary’s stunned. Knowles: “I prefer Obama’s message of looking forward to a bright future.” Then Obama joins her. Obama: “Hillary Clinton. You and Bill have going around saying that I would make a great aide de camp, that Hillary and Obama would be impossible to beat. If I’m not ready to become the next BCEW CEO, how the hell can you think that I’d be a great aide de camp?” Obama points out the bottom line is that O’Beck Bahama won the Progressive Alliance spot in the title match, her wrestler didn’t, and no spin will ever change that.

MATCH #2 THREE WAY DANCE TO DETERMINE THE BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ TRIPLE R w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Big Oil gets on the mic and gloats about the record oil prices. Texas Tex pushes a wheelbarrow with a heaping pile of cash inside. Suave: “That’s just ridiculous. People are getting squeezed left and right and this ass is bragging about his record profits?”

Triple R and Hillary engage in a heated conversation. Triple R doesn’t want to settle for a ‘meaningless TV title.’ Hillary tries to convince him that winning a title, any title, will be a stepping stone for Triple R and also help prove to the rest of the Progressive Alliance that she’s the best person to lead them to victory.

The match gets underway with the 6 foot 11 Big Oil cleaning house. Escondido and Triple R to the outside. Texas Tex clubs Escondido with his gold money belt. Big Oil climbs from the ring and choke slams Escondido onto the floor. Triple R stays on the opposite side of the ring. Big Oil covers Escondido who miraculously kicks out at 2. Big Oil goes for a choke slam. Triple R decides to get in on the action by hitting Big Oil with a steel-folding chair. Escondido gets dropped. Triple R disregards Escondido and goes after the big guy. Chairshot to the back. Chairshot to the knee. Texas Tex tries to use the money belt- he gets a chairshot in return. Triple R channels his anger into an absolute dismantling of Big Oil. Hillary smugly watches as Triple R bloodies Big Oil with a chairshot to the face. Triple R locks on the figure four leglock and leans back into it. Big Oil, face registering intense pain, tries to hang on. He taps out and is eliminated.

The second the referee calls Big Oil out, O’Beck Bahama, Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, and Daily Kos) race out and attack Triple R. The Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Harold Ickes) join the brawl and it’s an all out fight. Triple R gets beaten down and tossed back in the ring.

Escondido crawls back in and covers. The referee counts and Escondido becomes the new BCEW TV champion.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO

Hillary runs and protests to the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean. She complains and demands he put a stop to this. Dean responds that he and others are staying neutral until either Obama and Clinton establishes him/herself as the nominee for the Progressive Alliance.

Suave: “Escondido does it again! The Barack-Clinton wars show no sign of letting up. What will happen to the ‘New Libertarian Army?’ We’ll find out next week.”

Thursday, March 06, 2008

3/4- BCEW 'Day of Judgment'

BCEW ‘DAY OF JUDGMENT’ FROM OHIO– March 4th
Results from Columbus, Ohio

The results from the eighth BCEW Roadshow Across American Tour date in Columbus, Ohio.

MATCH #1- KIRK WALSTREIT, Wall Street Market Analyst and devoted follower of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (American Patriots) vs. RICHARD HEADD of Guys with Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname (Jobber)
In between admiring the large picture of Kirk Herbstreit in his corner and reading the Wall Street Journal, Walstreit finds enough time to hit the Stock Market Plunge on Headd and pins him.


‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R comes out with Hillary Clinton. Triple R shoves people out of his way as he stalks toward the ring. Hillary talks first. Hillary: “At 3 AM, I received a phone call from Triple R. He was distraught and upset over the unfair treatment he received when Barack Obama interfered in his match with O’Beck Bahama two weeks ago at Milwaukee Meltdown.” Hillary states she assured Triple R that she, and only she, had the experience to lead him to the BCEW title. Hillary: “When the going got tough, who answered the phone at 3 AM? Me. Not Barack Obama. Me. Because Triple R knows that Hillary Clinton and her team of Political Pitbulls will do whatever’s necessary to get the job done.”

Triple R then calls out the ‘Insanely Smelly Luchador’ Halitosis, the Independent representative to tonight’s three way dance for the BCEW Title. Halitosis warily comes out. Triple R tells him that he has no chance whatsoever to win the BCEW Title. Triple R: “You’re an independent. You have no one of consequence to cover your back. You’re wasting a spot that belongs to someone more worthy.”

Barack Obama comes out and sticks up for Halitosis being in the championship match. Hillary questions Obama’s voracity in wanting the Independent in the three-way dance. Obama tells her she’s wrong. Hillary: “The fact is you don’t want Halitosis in the match any more than Triple R does.” Obama: “That’s preposterous!” Hillary: “I have proof.” Barack scoffs but then Hillary produces a memo from one of Obama’s aides and reads it. Hillary: “This states, and I quote, ‘we’d like to get Halitosis out of the match to make it a fair, one on one, battle with Starz N. Stripes.” Obama: “Wait…but…uh…” Hillary flashes a satisfied grin. Barack, flustered for the first time, turns and stomps out.

Triple R tells Halitosis: “Why don’t you do the right thing here? Drop out and let someone who belongs in tonight’s three-way dance for the BCEW Title, who deserves to be there- ME!” Halitosis: “Drop dead.” The Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) jumps him.

Triple R storms the ring and Halitosis gets put through a table. Carville gets a chairshot on him. Triple R moonsaults Halitosis through another table. Then Carville produces a bottle of Listerine and jams it in Halitosis’s mouth. McAuliffe then squeezes an entire tube of toothpaste into his mouth as well. The combination of the mouthwash and toothpaste neutralize Halitosis’s finishing move, the ‘breath of death.’

Triple R again gets on the microphone and demands that he replace Halitosis in the three-way dance for the BCEW Title. Triple R: “You can’t win. It’s time for you to do the right thing.”

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop’ blares*

Triple R, Carville, McAuliffe, and Hillary skip the ring and go to the back as the ‘Extreme Equalizer,’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, comes to Halitosis’s rescue. WTF helps Halitosis limp to the back.


MATCH #2- UNION JAC (Progressive Alliance) vs. SNOTT FLEMMSTEIN (Jobber)
Snott Flemmstein has a large prosthetic nose that shoots out a greenish brown stream of…‘snot.’ After complaining for the first five minutes about the non-union referee, Union Jac sidesteps Flemmstein’s stream of snot and delivers the Picket Line to take out Flemmstein and get the win.

BCEW’S THIRD BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
A huge cake is rolled out with the number three on top. BCEW Owner Bubba Jackson comes out along with DeWayne Cantrell and Charlene Ann Beckworth. Jackson thanks the crowd and remarks that ‘it’s hard to believe it’s been three years.’ Jackson announces that a BCEW TV Championship will be crowned at the next BCEW Extreme Political TV show. Jackson: “As a special treat, here’s the first match of the first ever BCEW Pay Per View at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon from ‘BCEW-Loose Cannons Unleashed.’”

MATCH #3 SPECIAL REPLAY OF ‘No Spin Factor’ BILL O’REILLY, ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ RUSH LIMBAUGH, and the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. ‘American On-Air’ AL FRANKEN, MICHAEL MOORE, and JEANINE GAROFALO (Progressive Alliance) MATCH FROM MARCH 2005 PAY PER VIEW ‘BCEW-LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED’
Charlene Ann Cantrell (this was before she got married) does the ring announcement. The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, on the play-by-play. “This is a six man tag team grudge match!” Charlene Ann says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the Maharushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave: “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Steel-folding chair to O’Reilly. *CLANG* Chairshot to Rush Limbaugh. Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. The American Screamer Howard Dean runs out. Dean: “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s hat flies off his head and his torso tipped down at impact. His legs shot upwards and crotched Franken hanging on the ring ropes next to him. Pain shooting through nerves that Franken didn’t realize he had, he staggered back across the ring and conked heads with Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly, who had just managed to pull himself up off the canvas, flopped right back down. Franken, physically out on his feet and mentally in a different area code, lurched forward and fell headfirst into the groin area of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh’s arms and legs flailed briefly, his face contorted in a strange manner, and then he curled up into a big ball of misery.

The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. Dean: “That’s enough, he can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. Dean: “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Dean runs into the ring and confronts Cantrell. *CLANG* Bad idea. Dean to the canvas. Suave: “UNBELIVABLE! DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!”

MATCH #4 #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR THE BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON w/Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world's sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order
Hillary Clinton sends out two backroom members of her Political Pitbulls, Mark Penn and Harold Ickes, to the ring to second KRC because she’s busy trying to tamp down a problem. This is a battle of two former BCEW Women’s champions. KRC and Burton lock up. Burton takes the initiative and goes on the offensive. KRC turns the momentum back with some power moves. Penn tries to assist her but accidently blasts Collins with a frying pan. Burton again takes control of the match. Ickes tries to pull the ‘Defense Expert’s’ legs out from under her and gets walloped by Neal Conn, rushing to her rescue. Collins gets frustrated and takes a wild swing at Hallie Burton that misses badly and clocks Penn.

Penn and Ickes start bickering with each other outside the ring. Ickes blames Penn for the screw ups. Penn retorts that everything concerning Hillary is reviewed and approved by Ickes. Ickes: “No, it’s not. Penn: “Yes, it is.” This goes on for a couple seconds. Then Hillary, clearly agitated, comes out, low blows Hallie Burton, and allows Collins to lock in the STF for the win.

Hillary again takes the mic and challenges Barack and the women’s champion, ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree to put the title on the line against KRC. Again, she touts her experience and leadership will guide KRC back to the women’s championship.

MATCH #5 #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR THE BCEW TAG TEAM TITLES- THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GreenPete and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee w/Darth Nader, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA vs. RON PAUL’S NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY- A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb w/Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb
The winner of this match will become the #1 contender for the Drunken Luchador’s- Dan and Don Martini’s BCEW Tag Team Titles. GreenPete locks up with A-Bomb. H-Bomb attacks Brock Cole Lee. Poor Darth Nader, not very mobile, tries to get out of the way. A-Bomb uses his power to throw GreenPete across the ring while the others finally clear out. A-Bomb spends an inordinate amount of time in the ring while GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee executes quick tags. H-Bomb, notoriously short-tempered to begin with, blows a fuse. All four men in the ring. Nader gets caught in the middle and finally clubs H-Bomb across the back. H-Bomb explodes and throws Brock Cole Lee out of the ring. Then H-Bomb backs Nader up in a corner. Peta from PETA sneaks in and crotches H-Bomb. Nader then delivers a mechanized left arm horse collar and H-Bomb is down. A-Bomb gets doubleteamed by the GWO. Near fall and again, the Bomb Brothers start chirping away at each other.

Darth Nader still can’t get out of the ring. PeaceNick again protests the match as being to extreme and violent. Daisy Cutter-Bomb chases Peta around the ring. Nader attempts a feeble clothesline and accidently takes out GreenPete. H-Bomb quickly takes advantage and the bickering New Libertarian Army steals the win.

After the match, H-Bomb and A-Bomb again debate Ron Paul. A-Bomb again tells H-Bomb and that it’s over for Ron Paul. A-Bomb: “Hell, he’s running for re-election for his House seat.” H-Bomb still won’t hear of it. H-Bomb: “Ron Paul is the only honest BCEW CEO candidate left! He’s not dropping out!” Then H-Bomb leaves.

BACKSTAGE
Hillary Clinton blocks Triple R from leaving the locker room. Hillary: “You called me at 3 AM because of my years of experience and expertise in these types of situations.” Triple R wants to go out to the ring for the BCEW title match. Hillary tells him that his time will come and assures Triple R that with the help of the Clinton Political Pitbulls, he will win the BCEW Title. Hillary: “Nothing, I repeat, nothing will stand in our way.”


“Not just unbearable! Not just intolerable! I am…Justin Sufferable!” blares over the loudspeakers heralding the arrival of former champion Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Sufferable, still on crutches from major reconstructive knee surgery that forced him to give up the BCEW Title, comes out to announce the contestants for the three-way dance with the BCEW title belt slung over his shoulder.

The Independent, Halitosis, is the first one Sufferable introduces. Halitosis arrives limping and is accompanied by another former BCEW champion, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, The American Bikers- Little Paulie and Big Paulie, and Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA.

Next out, the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama, representing the Progressive Alliance. Bahama comes to the ring with Barack Obama. Bahama has only been in BCEW for just a couple months. Can he overcome his relative inexperience or will it be his undoing?

Finally, John McCain leads the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots to the ring. A three year veteran, Starz has been in BCEW since its inception in 2005.

BCEW CEO George W and his aide de camp, Dick, following the usual extremely off-key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief’ arrives next. The ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean follows.

After the announcements, everyone shakes hands with each other and then all three contestants retreat to their respective corners. Sufferable hands the BCEW title belt to the referee and he calls for the bell.

MATCH #6 BCEW TITLE MATCH- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘The Insanely Smelly Luchador’ HALITOSIS (Independent)
Although limited with his patented ‘breath of death’ finisher thanks to the Clinton Political Pitbulls, Halitosis comes out rocking. He hits missile dropkicks all over the ring causing Starz N. Stripes to bail from the ring. Halitosis then breaks a series of vicious kicks that drives the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ to his knees and then finishes it off with a snapping spin kick that nearly knocks out Bahama. Then, Halitosis slingshots himself out of the ring onto an unsuspecting Starz N. Stripes. Halitosis whips Starz into the steel guardrail. Chairshot to Starz. Chairshot to Bahama who tried to sneak in from behind. Halitosis clotheslines Starz over the guardrail into the crowd. The requisite ‘BCEW’ chant results and the American Bikers, Politically Incorrect, and Escondido shout out encouragement to Halitosis.

Halitosis brings Bahama back into the ring. Kicks to the rookie’s legs. Snap suplex. Tilt-a-whirl slam. Halitosis goes for the cover. 2 count when Barack Obama puts Bahama’s leg on the bottom rope. Starz back in. Halitosis missile drop kicks him twice, driving him back into the corner. Snap suplex. Then Halitosis tries to use the ‘breath of death’ on Starz. No go. His breath is ‘too minty.’ Starz connects with a wicked left that sends Halitosis flying across the ring. Spike slam. Vertical suplex sucks the wind from Halitosis. Starz lifts him up and drives Halitosis to the canvas with a piledriver. Starz covers. 1-2-3.

HALITOSIS IS ELIMINATED

It comes down to the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. Starz puts on a wrestling clinic, constantly staying one step ahead of the inexperienced Bahama. Armbar by Starz. Bahama reverses to a half nelson. Starz reverses that into a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama twists and escapes. Dropkick by Bahama. Chop by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed with a suplex. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz bounces up, lifts him up, and back suplexes Bahama. A second back suplex by Starz. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. 1…2…3…and we’ve got a new champion.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION: ‘THE ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ STARZ N. STRIPES

Justin Sufferable presents the belt to Starz N. Stripes and he and John McCain celebrate in the ring.

As a dejected Bahama and Obama leave, Triple R and the Clinton Political Pitbulls suddenly jump them. While Hillary and Bill Clinton urge them on, James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, Mark Penn, and Harold Ickes overwhelm Bahama and Obama. ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean tries to get in and separate the two warring factions. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi also wade into the fracas and restrain Obama. Hillary nods approvingly when Triple R plants Bahama through a table. Away from the scrum, Harold Ickes suddenly hauls off and smacks fellow Clinton Political Pitbull Mark Penn for no reason. They get separated. Dean, Reid, and Pelosi protects Bahama from further hurt.

Triple R attempts to crash Starz N. Stripe’s celebration. Justin Sufferable nearly decapitates him with his crutch. Triple R wisely retreats.

Hillary points at Obama and tells him ‘it’s not over. It’s not over by any stretch of the imagination. I’m going all the way and there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.”