Tuesday, February 26, 2008

2/26- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW POLITICAL EXTREME TV – Feb 26th
From BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
Host: Johnny Suave


Suave’s in the ring.

Suave: “We now know that it’ll be ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes with John McCain versus ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama and Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers versus the winner of tonight’s independent main event- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ Halitosis taking on D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice.”

Suave recaps the aftermath of last week’s Starz N. Stripes/Mike the Mechanic match. Starz just got the pin on Mike when Bill Keller and Paul Krugman of the New York Times attack John McCain. Starz tries to help but gets overwhelmed when the rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, and Media Matters for America) join in. Then the unthinkable takes place, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity run out to McCain’s defense.

BACKSTAGE
Ann Coulter is beside herself. She confronts Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity. Coulter: “How could you? How could you come to John McCain’s aid after everything we’ve tried to do to stop him?” Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity all look at each other and then reply: “New York Times.” Coulter: “That’s stupid! OOOHHHH!” Coulter turns and stomps away.

MATCH #1 ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON, ‘Right Wing Blogger’ MICHELLE MALKIN, and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA, “BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)
Suave: “Well? I guess this is take three. The last two weeks, Ann Coulter has proved why she is the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ by destroying both Tessa Martin and Tequila Sheila before their match was to have began. Tonight, it’s a cage match.” Tequila Sheila, serenaded by the BCEW Hall crowd to the Bobby Bare song, ‘Tequila Sheila,’ is the last one of the Independent team to enter the cage. Tessa wields an extra-large pizza box and Daisy Cutter-Bomb has her Singapore cane at the ready.

Coulter, Hallie Burton, and Michelle Malkin arrive next. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ enters the cage and immediately starts chirping at all three of her opponents. There’s commotion on the floor and a creepy guy accosts both Hallie Burton and Michelle Malkin. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL IS GARY BUSEY DOING HERE?” Busey, fresh off his unnerving appearance on the red carpet at the Oscars, hugs both Burton and Malkin. Both women look horrified. Burton tries to spin away and in the process shuts the cage, trapping Coulter inside with all three of their opponents. Burton and Malkin run away with Busey in hot pursuit.

Coulter suddenly realizes she’s in big trouble. She suddenly tries to make nice with her opponents. Coulter: “Remember all those things I said and did the last couple weeks? Well, it was all just a misunderstanding...yeah, that's it...it was all a mistake-” *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN JUST SMACKED COULTER IN THE KISSER WITH THE PIZZA BOX! WHAT THE HELL IS INSIDE…” Tessa tears opens the box. It’s a road sign. Suave: “Ahhh, makes sense now.” Tequila Sheila then pours a blender full of tequila onto the semi-conscious Coulter. Daisy then drags Coulter up by her long, blond mane and finishes her off with a ‘Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb.’ Daisy sticks her foot on Coulter’s chest. 1-2-3.

WINNER: TEQUILA SHEILA, ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)

JOHN McCAIN SEGMENT
Cincinnati talk show radio personality Bill Cunningham is in the process of introducing John McCain. Cunningham gets off topic and goes off on Barack Obama. Cunningham: “Obama is a hack, Chicago-style Daley politician who's picturing himself as change. When he gets done with you, all you're going to have in your pocket is change." Cunningham continued to mock Obama, calling him "Barack Hussein Obama," the "fraud from Chicago" and finishing with “if Obama were to be elected president he would meet with the leaders of enemy nations, world leaders who want to kill us," they’ll all be "singing Kumbaya together around the table with Barack Obama."

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop blares*

‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs out and clotheslines Cunningham. Then he powerbombs Cunningham off the stage and through a table.

Thankfully, Suave then comes back on and recaps last week’s Progressive Alliance three-way dance between ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama, DLC with Hillary Clinton, and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) with Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers. Suave: “First, the Clintons and their Political Pitbulls turned on DLC and sided with Triple R. Then this happened…”

Triple R shakes hands with Hillary and both HRC and Bill seem extremely pleased with themselves. Hillary gets on the mic. She stridently says that she’ll do anything to be the leader of the Progressive Alliance and the new BCEW CEO. That’s why she’s teamed up with Triple R because he shares the same drive and determination. Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers watch, not sure of what just happened. Bahama is still groggy in the ring. Triple R climbs back in the ring and circles him. Hillary yells at Triple R to finish him. Obama yells at Bahama to move. Triple R stomps at the New Rookie Sensation. Jacknife powerbomb by Triple R. Triple R to cover but Obama gets in the ring. The crowd noise increases when Triple R breaks his own cover and stands up. Hillary screams at Triple R to take Obama out. Triple R steps towards him. A fracas breaks out outside the ring. The Angry Left Wing Bloggers vs. the Clinton Political Pitbulls? Hillary turns and can’t believe what’s going on. She screeches at the left wing bloggers to stop. Triple R turns back to see what’s going on. Arianna blows powder into his face and blinds him. Bahama low-blows Triple R. Bahama covers. Bill Clinton tries to get into the ring but Barack cuts him off. 1-2-3.

TRIPLE R, HILLARY CLINTON PROMO
The perpetual angry highway warrior, Triple R (Road Rage Randy), defiantly declares that ‘it’s still not over.’ Triple R: “Despite the fact that the entire Progressive Alliance is against me, I’m still here and I’m still fighting.” Hillary Clinton joins him. Hillary: “Just because Triple R was pinned last week doesn’t mean that we’ve lost. It took outside interference on the part of Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the rest of her mob to put an inexperienced and untested O’Beck Bahama over.” Hillary then complains that people complain when her Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) intervene to ensure ‘fairness’ but when Obama teams up with Arianna and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers no one says a word. Hillary: “I’m tested and ready to go and I’m not giving up without a fight.”

Triple R: “It won’t be over until the referee counts to three and declares the next BCEW Champion and I’ll guarantee you that it’ll be me.”

Suave: “Yeah, right. It’s hard to win if you’re not one of the participants.”

Suave then recaps the BCEW Tag Team Championship match last week between the champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini vs. The Green World Order (Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete). Again, the GWO is thwarted when GreenPete gets projectile vomited on by both Dan and Don Martini.

GREEN WORLD ORDER SEGMENT
‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA are inside the ring. Lee opens up by stating that the Progressive Alliance hasn’t lifted a finger to help them defeat the BCEW Tag Team champions. Brock Cole Lee: “So as of this moment, the Green World Order is no longer a part of the Progressive Alliance.” PeaceNick: “Good. It’s about time we quit pro wrestling. It’s too violent and-” Lee interrupts PeaceNick and tells him that the GWO is not quitting wrestling. PeaceNick pouts. Lee: “But if the Progressive Alliance won’t protect us, then we’ll turn somewhere else.” At that moment, the house lights go down. Suave: “Okay. What’s going on?” The house lights come back up and Darth Nader now stands with the Green World Order. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BACK? DARTH NADER IS BACK?”

Suave goes back to the second ever BCEW pay per view, “Revenge of the Pith,” to show Darth Nader’s seeming demise at the hands of Towel Guy. BCEW CEO George W had just sent Towel Guy out to ‘wipe down the ring ropes’ when in actuality, he was throwing the unknowing Towel Guy out there to be destroyed by Darth Nader.

REPLAY OF THE END OF BCEW ‘REVENGE OF THE PITH’
The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Darth Nader and King Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. “Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

Suave: “So, I thought you’d melted into a pile of primordial goo?”

Darth Nader: “I got better.”

Suave: “Oh.”

Nader then declares that ‘he’s back’ and while he no longer has the ability to shoot streams of electricity from his hands or the ability to channel the dark green side to choke people out, Nader still believes that he could be a…‘force.’ Groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Nader then throws his hat into the BCEW CEO race. More groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Darth Nader continues to drone on in all his pithiness until Halitosis and D.B. Ruff come out for the main event.

MATCH #2 FINALS OF THE INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS vs. D.B. RUFF of Rough Justice- two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice w/Conner Justice
Suave: “It’s pretty simple- the winner wrestles for the BCEW title next week in Ohio.” Halitosis attacks before the bell, and before Darth Nader, who doesn’t move very well anymore, can clear the ring. Nader gets spun around as Halitosis hits several high flying moves on Ruff, who wisely slides out of the ring to regroup. The Green World Order pull Nader out of harm’s way as Halitosis springboards from the top rope and crossbodies Ruff on the floor. Ruff’s partner, Conner Justice, immediately attacks Halitosis and Rough Justice doubleteams the ‘Insanely Smelling Luchador.’ Halitosis gets put through a table but miraculously kicks out when Ruff goes for the cover. Halitosis ‘recovers’ and mounts an offense, using kicks and a sweet top rope missile dropkick on Ruff. Halitosis goes for another one but Justice pushes the referee into the way and the poor ref nearly gets his head taken off.

The ref down, both Ruff and Justice liberally double team Halitosis. Chairshot by Ruff. Chairshot by Justice. Halitosis staggers backwards. Justice brandishes a taser. Suave: “Oh, oh. This could be it.” Justice reaches towards Halitosis. Gary Busey suddenly reappears and runs in between Justice and Halitosis, clipping Justice’s arm and… *ZAPPPP*…causing him to hit Ruff with the taser instead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Justice immediately takes off after Busey. In the confusion, Halitosis covers Ruff. The referee wakes up and starts the count. 1…2…3…

WINNER: ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS

Suave: “UNBELIEVABLE! HALITOSIS WINS THE INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT AND HE WILL BE WRESTLING NEXT WEEK FOR THE BCEW TITLE!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

2/19- BCEW 'Milwaukee Meltdown'

BCEW MILWAUKEE MELTDOWN – Feb 19th
Results from Milwaukee, WI

The results from stop #7 of the BCEW ‘Roadshow Across America’ Tour in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

MATCH #1 SEMIFINAL OF INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT- “No Frills” CHRIS ESCONDIDO vs. D.B. RUFF of Ruff Justice w/Conner Justice
Escondido is the grizzled veteran and former BCEW champion. D.B. Ruff is part of Ruff Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, extreme style of justice. Big brawl ensues. Both men bleed and fight out into the crowd. Escondido, still getting back into ring shape after major knee surgery over a year ago, moves a little better than he has but still seems a couple steps slow. A chocolate pie gets used by Escondido. Escondido puts Ruff through a table with a flying elbow drop. Ruff is set up for a moonsault, Escondido takes too much time setting it up. Conner Justice crotches Escondido and then hits him with a taser. Ruff jackknife rolls Escondido for the upset win.

WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE INDEPENDENT FINALS- D.B. RUFF of Ruff Justice

Ruff will now face the winner of the next match for a shot at the BCEW title on March 4th in Ohio.

MATCH #2 SEMIFINAL OF INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT- LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers w/Big Paulie and Marky vs. ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS
They go through a series of mat wrestling maneuvers and reversals before Little Paulie stomps a mudhole in Halitosis. Halitosis tries to put an armbar on but Little Paulie shows his strength and powers out. Little Paulie lifts Halitosis up and slams him down. Little Paulie gets a 2 count. Halitosis fires off some lightning fast kicks. Little Paulie again tries an armbar, but Halitosis spins out and locks in a single leg crab. Yelling at Little Paulie for screwing things up, Big Paulie gets in the ring and breaks the hold. Halitosis hits the ‘breath of death’ on Big Paulie and then catches Little Paulie as well. Little Paulie and Big Paulie get set up a double tree of woe and Halitosis hits two killer baseball slide drop kicks! Halitosis covers and makes the finals.

WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE INDEPENDENT FINALS- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS

Rough Justice hits the ring and tasers Halitosis. Then they go after his legs in an attempt to take him out before next weeks championship match. Escondido comes back out and Rough Justice clears out.

Next week on BCEW Extreme Political TV- it’ll be D.B. Ruff of Ruff Justice vs. ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS

Hillary Clinton is not in Milwaukee tonight. She’s live in Austin, Texas via satellite. Hillary says that the Progressive Alliance needs to ‘get real.’ Clinton says not only is Obama untested and not ready to lead, but his new wrestler, O’Beck Bahama is a rookie with no experience whatsoever and doesn’t deserve to be in the three-way dance tonight to represent the Progressive Alliance. Barack Obama then comes to the ring and the sound from Austin is cut off. Hillary stands there, hands on hips, with an incredulous look on her face as Obama talks to the people Milwaukee. Barack talks up his new protégée, O’Beck Bahama, whom he calls ‘the New Rookie Sensation’ and then assures everyone that ‘change is on the way.’ Hillary fumes as Obama continues to talk. Then she throws the microphone down and stomps off.

MATCH #3 ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA and ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN (Independent)
Take two. Last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV in Virginia, the match never came off because Coulter, still pissed off over John McCain becoming the new leader of the American Patriots, threw a fit and attacked Sheila and Tessa before the bell. Would this week be different? Well…no. Coulter sprayed hairspray in Sheila’s face as she came out to her song ‘Tequila Sheila’ by Bobby Bare, and then she and Burton again assaulted their opponents pre-bell. This week, Burton and Coulter was joined by Right Wing Blogger Michelle Malkin who clubbed their opponents incessantly with an old computer keyboard. The 3 on 2 continued until Daisy Cutter-Bomb of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army ran out to even the odds. Daisy Cutter Power Bomb to Burton. Daisy Cutter Power Bomb to Malkin. Coulter hightails it out before Daisy can get her hands on her.

WINNER: NO MATCH

Post-match, BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin challenges Coulter and Burton to settle their differences once and for all in a six-woman tag team cage match. Sheila, Tessa, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. Burton, Coulter, and Malkin.

MATCH #4 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI- BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS (Independent) vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE (Progressive Alliance)
The Drunken Luchadors Don and Dan Martini come out and do their shtick- both simultaneously take big gulps from a bottle of Jack Daniels and bang their heads together. The bottles of JD fall to the mat and the Martini Brothers both stagger apart. The Green World Order enter the ring and immediately slip on the puddle of Jack Daniels inside the ring. The bell rings. Don Martini stumbles out. GreenPete leaps at him. Martini slips and falls and GreenPete hits headfirst the corner turnbuckle. Brock Cole Lee then charges into the fray. He’s about to attempt a clothesline but he slips on the Jack Daniels covered canvas, slides into the ring ropes, and flips over the ropes to the outside of the ring. Then both teams attempt a series of moves. Don Martini tries a missile drop kick from the top rope. He loses his balance though and falls out of the ring. GreenPete, still groggy from hitting his head on the ring post, tries to charge Dan Martini. Dan reaches down to pick up the bottle of Jack Daniels. GreenPete flies over him and smacks hard into the other corner turnbuckle. Dan Martini then climbs onto the top rope and tries to hit a double flip moonsault. He misjudges his jump and lands about five feet away from GreenPete. Brock Cole Lee drags himself back into the ring just as GreenPete flings himself against the ring ropes and launches himself at Don Martini. Don suddenly staggers back, GreenPete goes by and runs right into Lee, causing his partner to fly off the edge of the ring to the mat outside the ring. GreenPete turns around and stumbles forward, head down, into Don Martini’s stomach. Don Martini takes a couple steps back. Then he holds his stomach begins to make a peculiar sound and body movement. Martini then spews out a greenish colored substance into GreenPete’s face. He falls to the canvas and then Don Martini passes out on top of him. One. Two. Three.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI

Both GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee look frustrated at their latest defeat to the BCEW Tag Team champs.

Michael Moore comes out and tells the Milwaukee crowd that he wants to take Fidel Castro to the Oscars and let him give a speech. ‘What do you think about that?’ Moore asks. Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ blares. ‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out. Moore tries to get away but he gets hung up in the ropes. WTF pulls him back into the ring. He lifts up Moore by the throat and chokeslams him.

A ‘BCEW’ chant then follows.

MATCH #5 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- ‘Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom, and Michelle Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. PETA from PETA of the Green World Order w/PeaceNick (Progressive Alliance)
Essentially a glorified squash match. Peta from PETA is very inexperienced and spends most of the match running for her life. On the outside, PeaceNick chants ‘anti-war, anti-violence’ slogans while Peta desperately calls for help. PeaceNick brings out the non-violent ‘equalizer,’ his bottle of chloroform, and tries to knock out the women’s champion. New Age Sensitive Guy runs over and rips PeaceNick off the edge of the ring. Then he apologizes to PeaceNick for being too rough. Soccer Mom cries out ‘IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!’ and takes out PeaceNick with a steel folding chair. Opal catches Peta and body slams her, suplexes her, and then crushes her with a top rope splash. The referee could have counted to twenty and Peta still wouldn’t be getting up.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION- ‘Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE

After the match, Michelle Obama takes the mic and thanks everyone in Milwaukee. She says of Barack Obama’s success in BCEW, ‘for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country and proud to be in BCEW!’ Cindy McCain suddenly runs out and tackles Mrs. Obama. They roll around and catfight for a bit before both Senator McCain and Senator Obama come out and separate the two. Cindy McCain takes the mic and says ‘I just wanted to make the statement that I have, and always will be, proud of my country."

This leads to…

MATCH #6 ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES w/ John McCain vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Tequila Sheila, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris
The final chapter to determine the American Patriot who will wrestle for the BCEW Title in Columbus, Ohio in two weeks. Mike the Mechanic comes out and tries various martial art moves Chuck Norris taught him. But Starz wasn’t having any of it tonight. Pump-handle slam. T-bone suplex. Starz dominates and puts an end to any thought of a Huckabee revival. Starz hits a reverse neckbreaker and covers for the win.

WINNER: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES

McCain shakes Huckabee’s hand post match and then raises the Original Rookie Sensation’s arm up in victory. After Huckabee’s contingent leaves, Bill Keller and Paul Krugman of the New York Times hit the ring and attack McCain. Starz throws Keller and Krugman off and chases them around the ring. Then the rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, and Media Matters for America) join in and it’s an all out brawl. They overwhelm Starz and then throw him out of the ring. Keller and Krugman doubleteam McCain until the unthinkable takes place- Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity come to McCain’s aid. Apparently, there are two things that will unite the disparate elements of the American Patriots: 1) Hillary Clinton becoming the Progressive Alliance’s leader, and 2) The New York Times. Mike the Mechanic, Huckabee, and Norris also return which prompts the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama, ‘The Moderate’ DLC (Democratic Leadership Council), and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) to jump down and it’s a free for all.

Finally, Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity brawl with Keller and Krugman back up the ramp. Barack Obama and John McCain both lock eyes. Obama: “Soon…very soon.”

MATCH #7 ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama vs. DLC w/Bill Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) vs. TRIPLE R w/ Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers
Bahama and DLC immediately lock up. Triple R hammers the New Rookie Sensation in the back and works him over. Triple R hip tosses Bahama over the top rope. DLC surprises Triple R with an Arabian press and debuts his version of the shotei. Triple R goes for another hip toss but Bahama gets back in the ring and clotheslines him. Quick 2 count and Triple R kicks out. DLC goes up top but Triple R cuts him off and pushes him out to the floor. Bill Clinton jumps up on the apron and shouts at Triple R, who flips off Clinton in response. Bahama sneaks in from behind gets a sleeper on Triple R. Triple R drops him onto the ropes. STEP KICK! STO by Triple R! Bahama gets out and he goes up top. Triple R cuts him off and then superplexes him off the top rope. Bahama right back up and Triple R hits another superplex for 2. Triple R goes for a third one and hits it leaving Bahama contorted on the mat. Triple R up to the top again and this time, DLC comes in and superplexes him. DLC now to the top rope. Bill Clinton walks over to presumably give DLC some instructions. Instead, he shoves DLC off the top through a ringside table. Crowd chants ‘Holy @#$#!’

The crowd is stunned when Hillary Clinton suddenly appears and directs the Clinton Political Pitbulls to attack DLC. Chairshots galore. Carville and McAuliffe drag DLC and place him on another table. Triple R climbs to the top turnbuckle and then puts DLC through the table. Triple R covers and that’s it for DLC.

DLC eliminated.

Triple R shakes hands with Hillary and both HRC and Bill seem extremely pleased with themselves. Hillary gets on the mic. She stridently says that she’ll do anything to be the leader of the Progressive Alliance and the new BCEW CEO. That’s why she’s teamed up with Triple R because he shares the same drive and determination. Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers watch, not sure of what just happened. Bahama is still groggy in the ring. Triple R climbs back in the ring and circles him. Hillary yells at Triple R to finish him. Obama yells at Bahama to move. Triple R stomps at the New Rookie Sensation. Jacknife powerbomb by Triple R. Triple R to cover but Obama gets in the ring. The crowd noise increases when Triple R breaks his own cover and stands up. Hillary screams at Triple R to take Obama out. Triple R steps towards him. A fracas breaks out outside the ring. The Angry Left Wing Bloggers vs. the Clinton Political Pitbulls? Hillary turns and can’t believe what’s going on. She screeches at the left wing bloggers to stop. Triple R turns back to see what’s going on. Arianna blows powder into his face and blinds him. Bahama low-blows Triple R. Bahama covers. Bill Clinton tries to get into the ring but Barack cuts him off. 1-2-3.

WINNER: O’BECK BAHAMA

Hillary and Bill Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls are stunned. Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, and Media Matters join Arianna Huffington in the ring and raise O’Beck and Barack Obama’s arms up in triumph.

It’ll be the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama vs. the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain vs. the winner of the D.B. Ruff-Halitosis match, March 4th as the BCEW Roadshow Across America rolls into Columbus, Ohio.

Next week on BCEW Extreme Political TV- D.B. Ruff vs. Halitosis for the right to represent the Independent faction in the BCEW Title match and the six women tag team cage match between ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON, ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER, and MICHELLE MALKIN (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA, ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)

BCEW Primer

A periodic reminder of what BCEW is all about:

BCEW- BUCKLAND COUNTY EXTREME WRESTLING

WELCOME TO BCEW. BCEW combines political satire and professional wrestling. Written in the style of Paul Heyman and the old ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling), BCEW is Political, Hardcore, Extreme, Wrestling or PHEW- which coincidentally is also an accurate description of the current state of American politics.

Bubba Jackson and DeWayne Cantrell are the co-owners of BCEW. The CEO of BCEW is George W. His aide de camp is Dick.

BCEW uses three different formats:
BCEW HOUSE SHOW or ROAD SHOW- listing of roughly 6 to 7 matches from a BCEW Roadshow.
BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- Hosted by the ‘voice of BCEW’ Johnny Suave from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, the BCEW Hall, or Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn
BCEW PAY PER VIEW- Big ‘events’ held 3-4 times a year. The pay per view is hosted by Suave and his co-host and constant companion- a life-size cardboard cut-out of Danica Patrick………yeah, don’t ask. The biggest event BCEW has is ‘BCEW Extreme Election Night’ every two years coinciding with national mid-term and presidential elections.

BCEW is set up similar to your typical pro wrestling show except that instead of the good guys vs. bad guys (or ‘face’ vs. ‘heels’) it’s the left vs. right.

The Progressive Alliance are the Democrats/Liberals. Members include:
Justin Sufferable- “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!”
‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy)
Union Jac
DLC (aka Democratic Leadership Council)
Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe)
Felcher and Felcher- extreme trial attorneys
Opal Winfree and her flock (New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom)
Kathryn Randall Collins (KRC)
‘Tree Huggin’, Mocha Chuggin’, Tobacco Company Buggin’, Insane Extreme Chair Swinging Alpha Male and Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon’ Al Gore!”
The Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman)
The Dixie Chucks (Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie)
O’Beck Bahama ‘The Natural’

The American Patriots are the Republicans/Conservatives. Members include:
Starz N. Stripes
The God Squad (Rev. Robertson and Rev. Dobson)
Big Oil- 7 ft., 350 pounds. Mgr- Texas Tex
‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton
Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson)
‘Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade
Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Market Analyst and follower of ESPN College Gameday’s Kirk Herbstreit.
‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter
‘King of the Discounts’ Wal Martz
The Country Club (Steve ‘The Elk’ Elkins and Pool Boy Pete)
Politically Incorrect (NRA, Al Cahall, Nic Koteen)
Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world's sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order

And as always, there are the unaffiliated independents in the middle.
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido
Halitosis
Mike the Mechanic w/ Tequila Sheila
The Green World Order (Vegan Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA)
Ron Paul’s ‘New Libertarian Army’ featuring the Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb- the most complete wrestler of the bunch, Hy Drogen Bomb- supremely strong but incredibly volatile, prong to extreme blow ups, Newt Tron Bomb- one killer move, the ‘Silent But Deadly) w/their well-endowed little sister Daisy Cutter-Bomb
‘Drunken Luchadors’ Don and Dan Martini aka the Flyin’ Martini Brothers
The American Bikers (Big Paulie, Little Paulie, and Marky)
‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin
Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot- the extreme equalizer
‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ Tanya Hardy w/the White Trash Posse

And then, there are the Jobbers aka…the cannon fodder
FUBAR & SNAFU
Jimmy from So Cal- Jim Rome clone wannabee
Snott Flemmstein
Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of ‘Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname’
Black Swamp Pirate

BCEW WORLD CHAMPION: Vacant

CONTENDERS:
#1- Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots)
#2- O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance)
#3- Big Oil (American Patriots)

BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: - Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance)

CONTENDERS:
#1- Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance)
#2- ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (American Patriots)
#3- ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton (American Patriots)

BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: “Drunken Luchadors” Don and Dan Martini (Independents)
CONTENDERS:
#1- The Green World Order- GreenPete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance)
#2- Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army- A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (Independent)
#3- Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall (American Patriots)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction released

Official press release from Prairie Depot/I-73 Independent Press:
Prairie Depot/I-73 Independent Press proudly announces the release of J.D. Elder’s new political satire, Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction.

Finally, a book for everyone fed up with the political status quo. A independent call to arms for people to take back their government from the fat cat, big money special interests, Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is a rowdy, hard-hitting, no holds barred satire that finally puts politics in proper perspective- by equating it to professional wrestling.

A dark cloud has covered the American political landscape. The powerful forces of professional partisans, political operatives, and special interest groups have combined to polarize the electorate into two bitterly divided extreme camps while many people tune out of the political process altogether.

However, DeWayne Cantrell isn’t like most people.

Co-owner with Bubba Jackson of the world's only political pro wrestling federation, Buckland County Extreme Wrestling, DeWayne, a reformed politician himself, skewers the political world on a weekly basis on the BCEW wrestling show. BCEW is: Political. Hardcore. Extreme. Wrestling. Or PHEW!- accurately describing the current state of American politics. But when powerful United States Senator David Hutchinson gets wind of what Cantrell is doing, DeWayne finds himself being subpoenaed to appear before a Senate sub-committee on the 'Media and Their Contribution to the Coarseness of the American Culture.' It is after a heated exchange with Senator Hutchinson at the contentious hearing that DeWayne realizes that it’s no joke anymore.

Cantrell then throws his hat into the political ring and challenges Hutchinson for his Senate seat. Can DeWayne stand up for the little guy against the establishment of both political parties and stick it to the Washington D.C. elites? To what lengths will the professional politicians and their special interest groups go to stop him?

And will American politics ever be the same?

Loose Cannons… is produced by Prairie Depot/I-73 Independent Press and will be distributed through Lulu Press. The novel is now available at the Lulu website or through www.bucklandcounty.com and will also eventually be available online through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Borders.

Mr. Elder is also the author of 2005’s Loose Cannons of Buckland County. He is a 1990 graduate of Bowling Green State University and resides outside rural Wauseon, Ohio along with his wife and three children. In a past life, he was a pizza delivery driver nicknamed ‘Turbo.’ He still enjoys a good pizza as well as cheap beer, bad movies, and the music of Charlie Robison. He loves both college football and basketball, hates the BCS, and thinks more mid-major teams should get into the NCAA tournament.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

2/12- BCEW Extreme Political TV- live from Virginia

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- LIVE FROM RICHMOND, VIRGINIA – Feb 12th
Host: Johnny Suave


Suave: “WELCOME TO STOP #6 OF THE BCEW ROADSHOW ACROSS AMERICA TOUR!”

The crowd chants: “BCEW…BCEW!”

Suave recaps Starz N. Stripes with John McCain huge win over Big Oil and Mitt Romney last week at BCEW Super Tuesday Throwdown. Starz gets the big win when Bob Dole runs in and stops Texas Tex from clubbing him with a steel-folding chair. Starz then rolls up Big Oil from behind.

Mitt Romney comes out to the ring followed by Big Oil, Texas Tex, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Tom DeLay, and Ann Coulter. Romney tells everyone that ‘he hates to lose.’ He thanks Big Oil and all of his supporters in BCEW and says that ‘he loves BCEW.’ Romney: “And because I love BCEW, and forestalling this will make it easier for the Progressive Alliance to win the BCEW CEO position in November, I feel that now I need to stand aside for the American Patriots and BCEW.”

Limbaugh, Hannity etal shout out ‘no, no!’ Coulter looks shocked. But Romney stands firm.

Suave: “It appears that with this development, Starz N. Stripes and John McCain have a date on March 4th at the Ohio Theater for the BCEW Title.”

Mike the Mechanic, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris then come out. Huckabee: “Not quite.” Huckabee tells McCain that if it weren’t for his interference last week at Super Tuesday Throwdown, Big Oil might have won the match. John Boehner comes out and announces a final match next week in Wisconsin. Mike the Mechanic vs. Starz N. Stripes and the winner represents the American Patriots in the 3-way BCEW Title match.

Suave then recaps the first two matches last week in the Independent factions tournament to determine their representative in the 3-way BCEW Title match. Little Paulie defeated Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido pinned SNAFU.

MATCH #1 INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 3- CONNER JUSTICE of Ruff Justice w/D.B. Ruff vs. ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS
Before the match, Justice arrogantly refuses the shake Halitosis’s hand. Halitosis breaks out some slick lucha libre moves to keep Justice off balance. Halitosis continues his high-flying offense while Ruff watches from the outside. Justice finally ties up Halitosis in the corner and yells to Ruff to slip him a taser. Ruff isn’t paying attention and the delay allows Halitosis to unleash his ‘bad breath of death’ on Justice. Ruff can’t get to the ring in time and Halitosis advances.

WINNER: ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS

After the match, Justice is ticked off that Ruff wasn’t there when needed. They argue all the way to the back.

Suave: “Okay, in case you wondered just where Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has been the last couple weeks…”

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT IN BERKELEY, CA
The Berkeley city council is in session. “We don’t like that the Marines are recruiting in town!” whines one councilman. “We should tell them to go away,” says another. Mayor Tom Bates then makes a motion to advise the Marines that they were not welcome and that their presence would be considered ‘uninvited’ and ‘unwelcome intruders’ if they wouldn’t go away. The council passes the law and they all start congratulating each other.

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop blares*

Suave: “Well, speaking of uninvited and unwelcome intruders!”
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes in and chokeslams the Mayor through a table. The other councilpeople stare at the mayor lying in the wreckage of what's left of the table. "Ah, maybe we should reconsider," says one. "Yes, yes. Perhaps we should," adds another.

Suave then recaps the Hallie Burton/BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin match at BCEW Super Tuesday Throwdown. Tequila Sheila hits the ring and helps Martin upset the former BCEW women’s champion. Then the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter attacks both Sheila and Martin after the match.

MATCH #2 ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA and BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN (Independent)
The match never really formally starts as Coulter, still extremely distressed over the fact that John McCain is going to be the American Patriots nominee for BCEW CEO in November, snaps and starts nailing Sheila and Martin with a steel folding chair. Burton also attacks the pair and drapes both Sheila and Tessa on a table. Coulter goes to the top rope with a chair in hand and leaps, driving both women through the table. The referee comes over to count and Coulter whaps him with the chair. Coulter tosses him on another table and puts the ref through it cleanly. Coulter throws down the chair and skulks back to the dressing room.

WINNER: No match

Hillary Clinton cuts a quick promo ignoring the fact that she’s lost the BCEW Women’s title and Barack Obama showed up last week at Super Tuesday Throwdown with a contender for the men’s title. She touts her ‘experience’ and ‘technical ability’ to inspire champions. Hillary also calmly explains that Kathryn Randall Collins losing the BCEW Women’s title back to ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree was all ‘part of the plan.’ Hillary: “By losing, we were actually winning.”

Barack Obama comes out and tells Hillary she’s in denial. He talks up his new protégée, O’Beck Bahama, and tells Hillary that he’s ready to challenge DLC for the Progressive Alliance slot at the BCEW Title match in Ohio. Hillary tries to tell him that Bahama is ‘untested’ and isn’t ready for the challenge. Barack responds that it’s already set- next week in Wisconsin. O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama vs. DLC (Democratic Leadership Council) w/Hillary and Bill Clinton vs. Triple R w/Arianna Huffington for a shot at the BCEW Title.

MATCH #3 INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 4- D.B. RUFF of Ruff Justice w/Conner Justice vs. FUBAR
FUBAR tries missile dropkicks to knock down the larger Ruff. On the fourth try, Conner Justice tasers FUBAR and Ruff gets the cover for the win.

WINNER: D.B. RUFF of Ruff Justice

Justice tells Ruff that’s the way they’re supposed to do it.

Next week, the Independent semi-finals in Wisconsin: Halitosis vs. Little Paulie, D.B. Ruff vs. Chris Escondido

In the back, Ann Coulter thrashes on the ground and cries out “IT’S NOT FAIR! IT’S NOT FAAAIRRRRR!” while Limbaugh, Hannity, DeLay, and Laura Ingraham try to comfort her.

Suave: “Wow. The way she’s going, you’d think she might turn around and support Hillary Clinton or something.”



Next week, stop #7 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Friday, February 08, 2008

2/5- BCEW Super Tuesday Throwdown

BCEW ‘SUPER TUESDAY THROWDOWN’ – Feb 5th
Results from Nashville, TN.


The results from stop #5 of the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour in Nashville, Tennessee.

MATCH #1-TOM BRADY w/Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick vs. ELI MANNING
Brady, the pretty boy, comes out in a fancy, sparkling robe surrounded by models and Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick. Manning, the scrappy up and comer, has Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora as his seconds. Brady comes out and shows off his flashy moves while Manning tries to slow down the pace. Belichick plots a strategy that has Brady in control of the match for most of the first part of them match. Brady sets Manning up to finish him off but Strahan and Umenyiora hit the ring and, like they do on most Sundays, met at the quarterback in the middle. Stunned, Brady pulls himself up and wipes off the blood that trickling from the side of his mouth. Manning goes on the offensive and the match goes back and forth until a huge controversy erupts. Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick gets caught with a tape of Manning’s pre-match walk through. In the chaos that ensues, Strahan and Umenyiora again have a quarterback sandwich for lunch and Manning hits a finisher he calls “fade route to the wide open wide receiver in the end zone.” Belichick realizes the match is lost and leaves for the locker room. Manning covers and pulls off the huge upset. By the time the referee counts three, Belichick is already back in the back.

The BCEW ring announcer, Charlene Ann Beckworth, tells everyone that the Independent faction will be holding an eight person tournament to determine their representative in the BCEW Title match next month. Here are the matchups:

Conner Justice of Ruff Justice vs. ‘The Insanely Smelly Luchador’ Halitosis
Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Last Name vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers
D.B. Ruff of Ruff Justice vs. FUBAR
SNAFU vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido

MATCH #2- INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 1- LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers w/Big Paulie and Marky vs. MICHAEL HUNT from ‘Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Last Name’ w/ Richard Headd
Big Paulie and Little Paulie start to argue before the bell even rings- a new record. Hunt is out-classed but the match lasts longer than it should because Big Paulie and Little Paulie kept yammering at each other. Hunt gets stuck in the wrong corner and Big Paulie holds him for Marky to take a cheap shot at him. Unfortunately, Marky is not motivated and gets yelled at by Big Paulie. Big Paulie then yells at Little Paulie for taking too long to pin his man. Finally, Big Paulie takes matters into his own hands and clubs Hunt over the head with a motorcycle exhaust pipe. Little Paulie covers for the win.

Little Paulie now moves on in the Independent tournament. He’ll face the winner of next week’s Conner Justice/Halitosis match.

Much to everyone’s shock, former college basketball coaching legend Bob Knight appears. Knight explains that the real reason he left Texas Tech was he was tired of basketball and wanted to embark in a successful wrestling career as a manager to impart his wisdom and vast years of experience leading and molding boys into men. Then SNAFU comes out and Knight realizes that he has his work cut out for him.

MATCH #3- INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 2- ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO vs. SNAFU w/legendary basketball coach Bob Knight
Escondido systematically tears SNAFU apart while Knight alternates between screaming at the referee and SNAFU. Very quickly into the match, it’s evident that SNAFU’s situation is normal and totally and completely f@#$ed up. Escondido and SNAFU lock up. Knight grabs a steel-folding chair and tells SNAFU to hold Escondido still. Knight heaves the chair at Escondido, who ducks, and the chair plasters SNAFU in the kisser. Knight’s furious and tries to call a time out. SNAFU manages to crawl over to Knight and gets royally chewed out. Knight then throttles SNAFU and sends him back out. Knight then gets out a shotgun and tries to pick off Escondido. Unfortunately, he clips SNAFU in the leg instead. SNAFU writhes on the canvas. Knight decides he’s tired of wrestling and leaves. Escondido gets the easy cover.

Escondido faces next week’s D.B. Ruff/FUBAR winner in two weeks.

MATCH #4- ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots) w/ Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world's sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order vs. BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN (Independent)
Hallie controls the match most of the way. Tessa suddenly hits a ‘pizza cutter’ and rallies back. Neal Conn grabs her foot though and pulls her out of the ring. Bobby Bare’s “Pour Me Another Tequila Sheila” plays and Tequila Sheila, who lost to Hallie Burton at BCEW’s Last Tango in Tallahassee when Conn clipped her knee, runs down and bashes Conn’s head in with a blender. Sheila hits the ring and clocks Hallie with the blender. Tessa covers and the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl picks up the big upset win.

Tequila Sheila celebrates with Tessa in the ring until the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter comes to the ring and attacks them. Coulter lays out Sheila with her blender and then takes a warm pizza out of the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’s pizza bag and dumps it all over Tessa.

MATCH #5 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- DAN AND DON MARTINI, CHAMPIONS (Independent) vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE w/ PeaceNick and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
Dan and Don Martini partake in their traditional pre-match ritual- guzzling down a flask of Jack Daniels and then breaking the bottle over their heads.

It’s your typical Drunken Luchador match. Plenty of blown spots because of the excess alcohol consumed by the tag team champs. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee try desperately to execute any offensive maneuver against the plastered pair. Soon, the GWO become frustrated. PeaceNick wanders into the ring and tries to use chloroform to neutralize Don Martini. This brings Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army out in the form of A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy and Peta immediately attack each other while A-Bomb and H-Bomb advance on PeaceNick and GreenPete. Both A-Bomb and H-Bomb inadvertently get in each other’s way which allows PeaceNick to sneak around and chloroform A-Bomb until he’s unconscious. GreenPete waffles H-Bomb with a steel-folding chair. Daisy Cutter-Bomb goes nuts and takes out Peta from PETA and GreenPete. In the ring, Brock Cole Lee kicks Don Martini in the stomach. Then he moves away from him when the Drunken Luchador starts to wretch. Lee turns and taunts Dan Martini. Dan surprises everyone by projectile vomiting in Brock Cole Lee’s face. Lee stumbles back and turns just in time for Don Martini to projectile vomit all over him. Lee staggers back and falls. Don passes out and lands on top of Lee. Cover. Win.

After the match, the Green World Order is furious that they lost the match.

A-Bomb and H-Bomb push each other aggressively walking to the back. Harsh words are exchanged over the mix-up in the match. H-Bomb accuses A-Bomb of not being a ‘true believer in Ron Paul’s cause.’ A-Bomb tells him it’s over for Ron Paul. Daisy Cutter-Bomb tries to mediate the fracas.

Mitt Romney comes out and states he’s finally got the head to head match up he’s always wanted against John McCain. Romney tells everyone that McCain can’t beat him one on one because he doesn’t have the support of a Rush Limbaugh, a Laura Ingraham, a Sean Hannity, or a Tom DeLay behind him. Romney believes ‘tonight’s the night’ he’ll turn it around and stop John McCain.

Charlene Ann Beckworth announces that this match is to determine the American Patriots representative in the BCEW Title Match to be held on March 4th in Columbus, OH.

MATCH #6- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney
It takes exactly three seconds for Limbaugh, DeLay, and Hannity to jump the ring and go after Starz N. Stripes. Big Oil hits a scoop slam and then Limbaugh, DeLay, and Hannity hold Starz so Texas Tex can hit him with the golden money belt. Rudy Giuliani, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sly Stallone run in to rescue Starz. The referee tries to restore order and holds Rudy, Schwarzenegger, and Stallone back in their corner. Texas Tex distracts the ref which allows Limbaugh, DeLay, Hannity, Romney, and Big Oil to assault Starz. It looks bad until to everyone’s shock, Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris come out to help. Norris superkicks Limbaugh. Chops DeLay to pieces. And tears through Hannity, Romney, and Big Oil. Romney escapes under the bottom rope.

Starz caught in the corner and gets worked over by Big Oil. Texas Tex tries to toss a chair to his wrestler. Bob Dole runs in and grabs Texas Tex’s arm. They fight over the steel-folding chair until Dole wrestles it away and whacks Tex in the face with the chair. Big Oil takes a swipe at Dole and Starz rolls him up from behind and somehow gets the cover.

Romney looks dejected and defeated as he slowly trudges his way to the back.

Bill and Hillary Clinton come out first for tonight’s main event. Both admit that things haven’t gone exactly the way they planned it in terms of the BCEW Women’s title. Hillary tells the crowd that Barack Obama doesn’t have a entrant on the men’s side and she saw an opportunity to prove that she was ‘ready to lead BCEW from day one’ by championing a wrestler towards the BCEW World Title.

Charlene Ann Beckworth again announces that the winner of this bout will be the choice of the Progressive Alliance to wrestle for the BCEW Title in March.

MATCH #7- DLC (DEMOCRAT LEADERSHIP COUNCIL) w/Bill and Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe vs. ‘THE ANGRY HIGHWAY WARRIOR’ TRIPLE R aka Road Rage Randy w/Arianna Huffington
Triple R mocks DLC for not being ‘extreme enough.’ Off the ropes and Triple R tosses DLC out to the apron. They brawl and the Clinton Political Pitbulls nail Triple R on the outside. Arianna is furious and calls for reinforcements- out comes the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman). DLC up top and then jumps down- Triple R reverses into an atomic drop. Daily Kos tosses DLC to the floor and Triple R climbs up and performs sweet suicide dive. Triple R high fives with Daily Kos and Arianna. Back in the ring, Triple R with rights to DLC. Off the ropes and a snap suplex by Triple R. DLC gets too close to the wrong corner and Media Matters for America whacks him in the head with a steel-folding chair. Triple R covers for 2. Triple R up top, misses a splash when Carville races in and pulls him off the top turnbuckle. McAuliffe stomps at Triple R, while Eric Alterman grabs DLC and throws him out of the ring. Triple R fires back, off the ropes and hits a snap mare and kicks. He goes up top again and gets nailed by Bill Clinton himself. Triple R falls out of the ring and through a table. Total breakdown at this point as the Clintons and their political pitbulls rumble with Arianna and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers while both DLC and Triple R are out of the ring and not moving.

The action stops when Barack Obama dramatically appears out of nowhere. Obama tells Hillary Clinton that it’s not over yet and that he’s in it for the long haul. He even has a new wrestler to compete for the Progressive Alliance. Out comes the newcomer and Obama’s new champion- O’beck Bahama. Bill and Hillary are in shock. Obama tells them he’ll see them next Tuesday in Richmond, VA.

Next week, BCEW Extreme Political TV live from Richmond, VA as the BCEW Roadshow Across America continues.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

1/29- BCEW Last Tango in Tallahassee

BCEW ‘LAST TANGO IN TALLAHASSEE’ – Jan 29th
Results from Tallahassee, FL.

The results from stop #4 of the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour in Tallahassee, Florida.

The show starts with BCEW CEO George W, Progressive Alliance representative Nancy Pelosi, American Patriots representative John Boehner in the ring, and Independent representative Joe Leiberman. George W announces that BCEW champion Justin Sufferable has a severely torn ACL from his match at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction and underwent major reconstructive knee surgery last week. As a result of an historic agreement reached by all parties, there will be a new BCEW champion crowned on March 5th at the Ohio Theatre in Columbus, Ohio when the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour hits Ohio.

W stated that the Progressive Alliance, American Patriots, and the Independents would be responsible for determining who their representative will be at the March 5th show.

Double main event tonight:

A special Progressive Alliance three-way tag team match between Bill Clinton and Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama and BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree vs. John Edwards and BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin

Four-way American Patriots action with Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Mitt Romney vs. Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain vs. Kirk Walstreit w/Rudy Giuliani vs. Mike the Mechanic w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris

The usual chant of ‘BCEW…BCEW’ starts the night off.

MATCH #1- ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) vs. JIMMY FROM SO CAL (Jobber)
Escondido will be one of the favorites from the Independent wing of BCEW to make to the BCEW title match in March. Jimmy from So Cal is a Jim Rome wannabe Clone. Every time Jimmy hits a move he says ‘EPIC!’ or ‘CLAAH-SIC.’ After a third move, Jimmy goes ‘RACK ME!” so Escondido puts him in the torture rack and Jimmy gets run.


Sheila the secretary and Mike the Mechanic walk out. Sheila tells Mike that she finally found a new job- as a waitress at a tequila bar. Now, she wants to be known as ‘Tequila’ Sheila. Plus, she gets a cool theme song too. Mike’s okay with that.

MATCH #2- “The Angry Highway Warrior” TRIPLE R aka Road Ragin’ Randy vs. CAPPUCCINO DRINKIN’ GUY (Jobber)
Triple R takes a Singapore cane and whacks the ever-living hell out of Cappuccino Drinkin’ Guy. Triple R picks up the cup of cappuccino and pours the hot contents onto Cappuccino Drinkin’ Guy. Caneshot. Caneshot. Cover. Pin. Match.

MATCH #3- ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots) w/Mgr. Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world's sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order vs. TEQUILA SHEILA (Independent)
Sheila’s first real wrestling match. She’s walks to the ring as Bobby Bare’s “Pour Me Another Tequila Sheila” plays. Sheila’s inexperienced and it shows and this is Hallie Burton’s first match since she lost the BCEW Women’s Title to ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree. Sheila hangs in there for awhile with Hallie. But Neal Conn runs in and clips Sheila’s knee. Hallie covers and gets the win.

Neal Conn and Hallie Burton celebrate after the match. Then they are joined by Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay. Limbaugh and DeLay vow to do everything in their power from keep John McCain and Starz N. Stripes from winning tonight. Again, they go on and on about how McCain ‘can’t be trusted’ and he isn’t a real conservative and an authentic member of the American Patriots. DeLay talks up a ‘real’ conservative in Mitt Romney and promises that when all is said and done “Romney and Big Oil will reign supreme tonight!”

*Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers*

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, the Extreme Equalizer, runs out. Limbaugh and DeLay bail out through the crowd leaving Neal Conn to face the wrath of WTF. Kick to the stomach. Powerbomb. Good night Neal Conn.

MATCH #4- CNN’S LOU DOBBS (Independent) vs. MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) vs. FOX NEWS’S BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots)
Last week at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, Olbermann and O’Reilly were in the middle of a knock down, drag out free for all when Dobbs ran down and took both men out. Olbermann immediately goes after O’Reilly but eats an Independent DDT from Dobbs. O’Reilly heaves Olbermann out of the ring and goes for the chair right away. Two chairshots to Olbermann. Dobbs comes off the top rope and takes O’Reilly’s head off. Dobbs flings O’Reilly into the barricade. Olbermann gets up and wraps TV cable around Dobbs neck. Chairshot to Dobbs. O’Reilly tries to Pearl Harbor Olbermann and eats a boot to the face. Olbermann brings out the cheese grater and opens up a gusher on O’Reilly’s forehead. Dobbs low blows Olbermann from behind. Cheese grater to Olbermann’s forehead now. O’Reilly charges. Dobbs ducks and O’Reilly lariats Olbermann. Power slam to Dobbs by O’Reilly. O’Reilly goes for a table. Olbermann clubs him from behind and shoves O’Reilly on the table. Olbermann going to the top turnbuckle. Dobbs gets up and crotches Olbermann on the top rope. Dobbs then climbs the top turnbuckle and goes for it. O’Reilly has plenty of time to roll off the table and Dobbs splits it in half.

Olbermann pulled off the top rope by O’Reilly and lands hard on the floor. O’Reilly sets up a second table and drapes Olbermann on it. O’Reilly climbs the turnbuckle. John Edwards and David Letterman, of all people, run-in. Edwards pulls Olbermann off the table. Letterman pushes O’Reilly from behind and sends him through the table. The crowd goes “BCEW…BCEW!” Olbermann covers and he gets the pin.


John Edwards announces that he is withdrawing from consideration to be the Progressive Alliance nominee to become the next BCEW CEO. He thanks BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin for all her help. This means that it’ll just be Bill Clinton and Kathryn Randall Collins vs. Barack Obama and BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree in a special mixed tag team match.

MATCH #5- A. TOM BOMB aka A-BOMB of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army w/ Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE of the Green World Order w/ GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
The bell doesn’t even ring as Brock Cole Lee immediately attacks A. Tom Bomb Both land heavy blows. A-Bomb takes the early upper hand and flings the Extreme Vegan out of the ring onto the mat below. Lee gets up and the brawl continues all the way to the concession area. Lee takes someone’s drink and whips it in A-Bomb’s face. Then he takes a thing of nachos, complete with hot sauce and smears it all over A-Bomb. Both men continue to exchange blows into the concession area. A-Bomb knocks Brock Cole Lee over a railing and takes him to the floor. Trashcan to the back of Lee and then A-Bomb empties the contents on him. A-Bomb puts the can over Lee’s head and whaps it several times with a beer bottle. A-Bomb then takes him over a barricade with some kicks and goes for a cover. The referee counts two before Lee kicks out.

Brock Cole Lee hits a suplex on the wooden floor. Hy Drogen bomb comes over and inadvertently distracts A-Bomb enough to allow Lee to connect a kick to the jaw. Then GreenPete throws him a Singapore cane and he breaks it over the back of the A-Bomb. PeaceNick immediately begins to protest the extreme violence. More caneshots to A-Bomb as both men stumble back up to the ring. Lee literally throws A-Bomb back into the ring along with a trashcan. The Extreme Vegan climbs in and connects with the lid of the can and another two count. H-Bomb hits the ring and lariats Lee causing GreenPete and Peta from PETA to intervene which induces Daisy Cutter-Bomb to go after Peta. In the midst of all the confusion, A-Bomb takes the trashcan lid and gets it kicked in his face by Brock Cole Lee. Lee covers and gets the win.

Afterwards, the Green World Order celebrates. Outside the ring, A-Bomb is furious at H-Bomb and both exchange words as they leave.

MATCH #6- SPECIAL PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE TAG TEAM MATCH- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS aka KRC and BILL CLINTON w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe vs. ‘MEDIA EMPRESS’ OPAL WINFREE and BARACK OBAMA w/ Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy
Winfree and the powerhouse of the Clinton camp, KRC, start. Winfree shoves her to the mat and throws her around. KRC bails to the floor. Winfree follows and rams KRC’s head into the ring apron. Shoulderblock from Winfree. They brawl all the way around the ring. KRC challenges her to a test-of-strength. KRC accepts. They lock up, allowing Carville and McAuliffe to doubleteam Winfree from behind. Knee drop by KRC gets two. She locks in the abdominal stretch on the Media Empress and allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to sneak in from behind and pull KRC off. Chairshot to KRC by Opal. A second chairshot before Carville trips Opal and gives the advantage back to KRC. KRC responds with chairshots of her own. Frying pan to the snozzle. Then she pulls Opal up and throws her into the ring. Back inside, KRC wanders back to her corner and Clinton tags himself in. Opal then tags Obama in. Big stare down. Bill and Obama circle and jaw at each other. The crowd rises in anticipation. Bill shoves Obama. Obama shoves Bill. Then out of nowhere, Ted Kennedy runs down with a steel-folding chair and jumps in the ring. Kennedy looks at both men. Bill implores him to help Hillary. Barack implores him for his support. Kennedy eyeballs Clinton…then Obama. Then he pastes Clinton with the chair.

Hillary is in shock. The Clinton Political Pitbulls hit the ring. Opal’s Flock hit the ring. Everyone’s in the ring. Somewhere lost in the melee, Barack snuck in a cover and gets the win.

Ted Kennedy then cuts a promo decrying the devisive bare knuckles, hardball tactics of the Clintons and says that Barack Obama would be a fitting nominee from the Progressive Alliance to be the next BCEW CEO. Kennedy declares that it’s time for Barack Obama. “It’s not the length of time in BCEW that matters, it’s his vision. He’ll be ready to become BCEW CEO on day one.”

MATCH #7- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain vs. BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney vs. Kirk Walstreit w/Rudy Giuliani vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Tequila Sheila and Mike Huckabee
No Chuck Norris tonight. All four men converge in the middle. Starz and Big Oil engage while Walstreit hammers Mike the Mechanic with rights and lefts. Snap suplex by Walstreit. Walstreit tosses Mike the Mechanic out and they battle outside the ring. Starz and Big Oil throw haymakers back and forth. Outside, Walstreit puts Mike the Mechanic through a table with a running plancha. Mike gets up and goes nuts on Walstreit with various martial arts moves he learned from Chuck Norris. But he whiffs on a spinning kick and Walstreit hits a drop toe hold, sending Mike the Mechanic’s head bouncing off a nearby chair. Walstreit took Mike up on the edge of the steel barricade and hit a Stock Market Plunge through the announcer’s table. Huckabee tries to help but Rudy holds him off to give Walsteit the pin. Mike the Mechanic eliminated.

Both Starz and Big Oil are bloody. The ref gets splattered by a flying forearm by Big Oil. Rudy tries to pepper spray Big Oil in the face. Big Oil ducks out of the way and Walstreit takes a faceful of pepper spray. Rudy checks on Walstreit and gets DDT’d because he can't see who he's hitting. Oklahoma Driller to Walstreit and he’s done.

It’s down to Starz N. Stripes and Big Oil. Starz hits Big Oil with kicks in machine gun fashion to take his legs out. McCain cheers on Starz and Romney yells for Big Oil. Dueling chants from the crowd for both McCain and Romney. Big Oil clubs Starz’s back, but Starz gets away and circles Big Oil, attacking his legs all the time. Big Oil ducks a swing and gets hit with more kicks. Big Oil spins Starz around and starts clubbing him in the back. Forearms and kicks to Starz in the corner. Big Oil connects with a Suplex. Big Oil then throws him to the outside. He sits Starz on the chair and hits a missile dropkick that sends him flying backwards. Texas Tex wanders over and gets a cheap shot with his golden money belt. Tex goes for another, but Starz evades and manages to throw Tex into the crowd. Starz climbs the turnbuckle. PLANCHA to Big Oil! Starz tries to weaken Big Oil with more kicks. Starz drapes Big Oil's leg over the guardrail and whacks it with a chair! A second chairshot by Starz. A third. Starz gets Big Oil lifted in the air for a fisherman’s Suplex. Then Rush Limbaugh, Tom DeLay, and Ann Coulter run in.

Limbaugh clips Starz’s leg. Big Oil falls directly on Starz. Cover. Two count. John McCain runs in and shoves Limbaugh. Mitt Romney comes in from behind and shoves McCain. Urged on by Ann Coulter’s annoying screeching, Romney, Limbaugh and DeLay triple-team McCain. Suddenly, the crowd stands up as H. Norman Schwarzkopf and…no…no freakin’ way? SYLVESTER FREAKIN’ STALLONE? Schwarzkopf and Stallone tear Limbaugh and DeLay off McCain and throw them to the floor. Both Limbaugh and DeLay can’t believe it. Romney continues to go after McCain and gets clocked by a returning Mike Huckabee. Texas Tex then tries to clobber McCain with his golden money belt. McCain evades. Then…no…nah…it couldn’t be…it is…ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! Texas Tex’s eyes widen. Then he turns and runs for it.

Big Oil watches Texas Tex run off being chased by the Governor of California. Starz grabs a chair and plasters Big Oil with it. Fisherman’s suplex. Starz covers…and gets the hard earned victory.


Starz, McCain, Schwarzkopf, and Stallone celebrate in the ring. Ann Coulter screeches and slams her hands against the ring apron in frustration.
Stop #5 will be in Buffalo, NY for BCEW Super Tuesday