Sunday, July 13, 2008

PCW Rewind from year one- May 2005 BCEW Revenge of the Pith

From May of 2005, when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling), the second BCEW pay per view...

BCEW announcer Johnny Suave, with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain ever by his side, stands in a hallway someone inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. A “BCEW” banner hangs behind him. Suave announces that a lot has happened in BCEW since “Loose Cannons Unleashed” two months ago.
First the leadership of the Progressive Alliance was finally settled. Suave reports that Bill and Hillary Clinton decreed that Tim Roemer and “The American Screamer” Howard Dean face off against each other for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance in a special match that was held at the Eagle’s Club in Eagle Rock a few weeks back.

Highlights of Dean-Roemer match.
Roemer, accompanied to the ring by Nancy “The Attack Poodle” Pelosi, comes out firing on all cylinders and takes the battle right to the “American Screamer.” It looks like the young Roemer carries the day when all of a sudden, for some strange reason the Pith Lord Harry Reid aka ‘Barth Rabidenous’, appears ringside. He whispers something in Pelosi’s ear just as Roemer is about to pin Dean. In a shocking turn of events, Pelosi jumps into the fray, distracting Roemer enough to let Dean hit his finishing move, the “Screaminator,” and gets the pinfall. After the match, Reid holds up Dean’s arm in victory. The “American Screamer” lets out his trademark “YEEE-AAAHHHH” much to the chagrin of Bill Clinton who’s only mere inches away from the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. “God I hate it when you do that,” Clinton mutters.

Next, a major crisis erupts within the BCEW competition committee. The BCEW competition committee is comprised of members of both the Progressive Alliance and the American Patriots and they determine who the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship is. A major controversy breaks out when Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy of the American Patriots and majority leader of the committee, attempted to install A. Tom Bomb of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers as the #1 contender. The Progressive Alliance, led by Pith Lord Harry Reid, objected to Dr. Frist’s plan.

Suave explains that the Progressive Alliance threatened to disrupt all matches going forward if Justin Sufferable, the Progressive Alliance’s choice, wasn’t given a title shot against the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee. The crowd, watching on the big screen television inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, immediately chants “ROIDS!...ROIDS!...ROIDS!” at the mere mention of Giambee. Suave then says that the American Patriots threatened to invoke the Nuke Cleeair option to stop the Progressive Alliance. The “Nuke Cleeair” option is named after Nuke Cleeair Bomb- the wily uncle of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers (A. Tom, Newt Tron, and Hy Drogen Bomb). Nuke wants A. Tom Bomb to be named the #1 contender slot for the BCEW championship. Meanwhile, a coalition of more moderate types within both sides led by “Straight-Shootin’” John McCain of the American Patriots and Ben “Mr. Cornhusker” Nelson of the Progressive Alliance try to work out a workable compromise.

“The events of the last weeks have led to tonight’s “winner gets all” grudge match between BCEW competition committee members Harry Reid of the Progressive Alliance vs. Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy from the American Patriots. The winner of this match gets to decide just who will be the next #1 contender for the BCEW men’s championship,” Suave explains as the ring announcer, the lovely Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces both men.

The Pith Lord Harry Reid aka Barth Rabidenous vs. Dr. Frist-Medicine Guy
Reid tersely shouts out: “The American Patriots is full of right wing extremists!” and “This abuse of power will not be tolerated!” “Just to clarify,” Suave explains, “Harry Reid is a Pith Lord known for his pithy, tersely cogent remarks.” Dr. Frist shrugs off the Pith Lord. Then Reid says, “I have the power to scoop out you heart with a spoon and eat it for dessert!” “Okay, that’s weird,” Suave responds, “The Pith Lord is playing the Hannibal Lector card.” The match begins. It is a knock down drag out free-for-all. First, it’s Reid taking the fight to Dr. Frist. Then, it’s Dr. Frist with a rally. Back and forth it goes. Then someone runs down the aisle. “WHAT! IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” calls Suave as Sufferable jumps into the ring and starts whacking Dr. Frist with a Singapore cane. “He’s whipping Dr. Frist with the cane! He really wants that title shot!” Dr. Frist curls up into a ball in the middle of the ring as Sufferable relentlessly canes him. Immediately another man rushes to the ring. “‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Suave exclaims as Escondido leaps over the ropes and clobbers Sufferable from behind, “IT’S CHRIS ESCONDIDO! And he is totally pissed that the Progressive Alliance chose to push Justin Sufferable for the #1 slot instead of him.” While Escondido works Justin Sufferable over, yet another man appears in the aisle heading to the ring. “Now what?” Suave asks, “IT’S A. TOM BOMB!” Suave exclaims as A. Tom Bomb hoists the Pith Lord up and launches him out of the ring, “HOLY CRAP! He just power A-bombed Harry Reid out of the ring through a table!” Reid lies crumpled in a heap of what’s left of the ring table. Dr. Frist lies in the ring still smarting over the caning he took at the hands of Justin Sufferable. John McCain and Ben Nelson suddenly appear together in the aisle- each holding a steel-folding chair. Reid and Dr. Frist, both pretty much out of it, manage to pull themselves up and motion desperately for assistance. McCain and Nelson glance at each other and shake hands. “What the hell?” wonders Suave as McCain walks over to Harry Reid, Nelson to Dr. Frist. Then simultaneously *CLANG* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “A DUAL CHAIR SHOT! MCCAIN AND NELSON TOOK THEM *BOTH* OUT!” McCain and Nelson meet again, shake hands, and walk to the back. The referee counts both Reid and Dr. Frist out. “Okay!” Suave says, “Now what?”

Inside the office of the CEO of BCEW- George W, Dick, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and W watch the TV monitor as John McCain and Ben Nelson talk with Johnny Suave after the match. “He is so not a team player,” observes W. “True,” Dick concurs, “but McCain is the “Straight Shooter” and he has a constituency that we can’t ignore.” “OH!” W shouts at the TV, “now McCain’s talking about steroids! WHAT THE? He’s questioning whether the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee is on steroids? Why! So what if he put on a few pounds?” “175 pounds to be exact,” clarifies Dick. “Whatever!” W says, “McCain still can’t do that!” “Well, yes he can,” Dick says. “Look at least the BCEW Men’s World Champion won’t have to defend the title tonight.” Thanks to the Mastermind over there, in the ‘spirit of compromise,’ *snicker* we’ll make it a 3-way dance for the #1 contender to the men’s title. Justin Sufferable. Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb.” The Mastermind points his finger at his temple to once again show that he’s a friggin’ genius. “OH!” shouts a distraught W again, “Now McCain’s talking about continuing to work with the ‘moderate elements’ of the Progressive Alliance! ARRRGHH! I can’t take this anymore!” W immediately whips off his suit and shirt revealing a jogging outfit underneath. “I’m going running,” he says as he dashes out of his office. Dick and The Mastermind then decide that it’s best they break the news to Rafael Barry Giambee that he won’t be defending the title tonight.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon comes to its feet as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring with his life-size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain. “This is BCEW! Welcome to tonight’s big pay per view- ‘Revenge of the Pith!’” Suave says over the roar of the cheering crowd, “and as you heard earlier. Tonight. There will be a three way dance with the winner becoming the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World championship! Backed by the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable. Independent, Chris ‘No Frills’ Escondido. The American Patriot’s A. Tom Bomb. The winner gets BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee-” Immediately the crowd chants: “ROIDS!…ROIDS!...ROIDS!...” “…at our next PPV in July,” Suave continues. Again the crowd cheers.

Green World Order promo
GWO member Brock Cole Lee- the Vengeful Vegan- stands in the ring. “I’m here tonight,” Lee says, “to tell each and every one of you that if you eat meat that you are nothing but murderous scum.” The crowd boos. “That’s right,” Lee continues, “murderous scum. Plus, each and every one of you who drink milk contribute to the gross abuse of cows you abusive ***-holes. How would you like it if some stranger came over and tugged on your udder?” “Well, I guess it would depend on just who is doing the tugging,” quips Suave. Over the loud jeering of the Hack’s audience, Lee then goes on to rip people who smoke as ‘cold blooded killers’ and those who drink beer as ‘irresponsible ***-holes.’ “I hope you all die,” Lee flatly says before a strange squeaking noise interrupts his train of thought. “What’s that strange sound?” Suave asks. Then the great Brownsville Station hit “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” plays as a man appears pulling a grill with hamburgers cooking on it, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a beer. “Hey! That’s Nic Koteen!” Suave says, “What’s he doing out here?” Lee throws a fit. “What the hell are you doing?” he screams at Koteen. “Hopefully, he’s shutting you up,” quips Suave. “Well Frist, I’m going to grill some beef,” Koteen responds, “because everyone knows that BEEF- it’s what for dinner tonight!” The crowd cheers while Lee stomps back and forth in the ring. “Then I’m going to wash that fine ground beef down with a nice cold beer!” Koteen continues, “and then to top it all off, I think I’ll smoke myself a cigarette!” The crowd again roars its approval. Koteen tells Lee that “apparently, some people have way too much time on their hands.” “I reckon the world would be a much better place,” Koteen says, “if people like you with nothing better to do would mind the hell their own business and stop telling people how they should live their life.” Lee jumps out of the ring and pushes Koteen. Nic pushes Lee right back and then an impromptu match starts.

Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order vs. Nic Koteen
Lee goes for right for the grill. Koteen stops him. Then he shakes the beer can and sprays Lee with it. Lee is stunned. Then Koteen takes a big puff of his cigarette and blows smoke in Lee’s eyes. “AAARRGGHHHH. YOU’RE KILLING ME--ACKKK!” a blinded Lee screams before Koteen clotheslines him. Cover 1-2-3. “Thank you Nic Koteen!” says Suave. Koteen celebrates in the ring. Then Brad Paisley’s new song “Alcohol” plays over the sound system and Nic’s best friend Al Cahall joins him in the ring. They drink beer in celebration, have a smoke, and grill burgers.

Dick and The Mastermind arrive at the door of BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee’s dressing room. Hesitantly, they knock on the door. No answer. Dick knocks again. Still no answer. Dick calls out to the champ. Nothing. “This is strange,” Dick observes. He slowly opens up the door, peeks his head inside, and calls out to the champ again. Silence. Dick and The Mastermind go inside Giambee’s dressing room. The champ appears to be sleeping on his bed. Dick tries to wake him up. Nothing. He shakes the champ again. Still nothing. He leans over and listens for breathing. Nothing. “Oh #@@#!” Dick exclaims and checks him one last time. No movement. “He’s dead.” Dick states. “Dead? He can’t be.” Rove says. Dick checks his pulse. “He’s dead as a f****** doornail.” The Mastermind bends over and listens for a heartbeat. “S***,” he says, “now what are going to do?” Dick reminds Rove that he’s supposed to be the Mastermind. “What’s going on?” a loud voice calls out, startling both Dick and The Mastermind. Dick whips around- it’s The “American Screamer” Howard Dean. The Mastermind ducks for cover. “Howard,” chuckles Dick as he maneuvers himself in between Dean and the champion, “what a surprise!” Dean notices the offbeat behavior of the usually unflappable Dick and asks if there’s something wrong. “Wrong?” Dick replies, “what makes you think something’s wrong?” “Perhaps it’s because it looks like you’re hiding something?” replies Dean. Dick scoffs. “Is the champ okay?” Dean inquires, “something doesn’t look right.” “That’s ridiculous!” Dick defensively says, “the champ is fine.” Dean then comments on the ‘lack of color’ of the champion. Dick again assures Dean that the champ is fine. “Right champ?” he asks. Giambee’s arm, with some covert assistance from The Mastermind, slowly rises up with the rigor mortising hand worked into the thumbs up position. “See he’s fine,” Dick says as he escorts Dean from the room, “but he needs his rest! Thanks for stopping by.” “Well? Okay. But you tell the champ to enjoy his rest while he can. My guy Justin Sufferable WILL be the next BCEW men’s champion- count on it!” Then Dean does his trademark “YEEEEE-AAAAAHH!” and leaves. “God I hate it when he does that,” Dick says as The Mastermind Karl Rove pops up from under Giambee’s bed pointing to his temple once again to remind everyone just what a frickin’ genius he is.

A moment with The Domestic Diva- Martha Stewart
Several members of the BCEW roster sit inside a movie theater watching the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith. BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni intently watches the scene where Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi have their climactic battle. Puffs of cigar smoke drift back from the front of the theater. Ricearoni waves her arms to disperse the smoke which keeps rolling back in her direction. Then at the part where Obi-Wan cuts off Anakin’s arm and both legs, a huge belly laugh erupts a few row in front. The whole theater turns to where the obnoxious laughter is coming from. Ignoring the audience’s pleas to shut up is the Domestic Diva herself- Martha Stewart. Like Max Cady in the movie Cape Fear, Stewart puffs on a big stogie and deliberately allows the smoke to waft back. Then she breaks out again in outrageous laughter as Anakin catches on fire. Ricearoni continues to wave her arms to blow the annoying smoke away from her. More people grumble and complain about the cigar. A couple gets up and leaves. Then the movie reaches the part where Anakin’s wife gives birth…and dies. Again, Stewart launches into a huge fit of laughter which further annoys and enrages the people around her. The red light on Stewart’s ankle bracelet suddenly pops on and a small beeping sound emits from it. “Oh s***,” Stewart says. Two sheriff’s deputies follow the smoke down the aisle to the Domestic Diva. “What?” she says feigning innocence. Then they lift Stewart out of her seat. “I WANT THAT BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP BELT CANDILOOSA RICEARONI!” Martha screeches as the deputies proceed to drag her kicking and screaming out of the theater, “I WANT THAT ******* BELT AND I WILL HAAAAVE IIIIIIITTTTT!”

A visit by America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster- Katie Couric
W comes back to his office after his brief run and finds America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric waiting for him. Couric tells W that she wants to do story about “the whole wrestling thing.” W offers to let her talk to a couple of the wrestlers and film a match. Couric states, “No one wants to see two stiffs they’ve never heard of. What they want to see is me, Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster.” “And your point is?” asks W. “The public wants to see me wrestle,” Couric continues, “besides, everyone knows wrestling is all fake and choreographed and stuff like that. So get me someone to wrestle, make it look good, I win the match and my public will be happy.” “O-kay” relents W. “I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.” “Do that,” America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster snips back and leaves. “Yeah, I’ll take care of you all right!” W grumbles.

As BCEW returns from a commercial break, Johnny Suave is arguing with his producer Guy Taylor at the broadcast table. “The hell I am doing that!” Suave declares stridently. “But Johnny, it’s in your contract,” Taylor reminds him, “and besides, we desperately need the advertising dollars to pay for things-such as your salary.” Suave can’t believe that Taylor is serious about this. “But singing a jingle?” he asks incredulously. “Besides,” Taylor says, “with the way your hairline’s receding you of all people would be a natural to do a hair loss commercial spot.” “HEY!” Suave barks back, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead where his hair used to be.

Reluctantly, in the end Suave does the spot. (Sung to the tune of “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton) “If you’re losing your hair and you don’t think its fair-Rogaine,” Suave warbles with an unsteady voice, “If you’re going bald and you’re losing it all- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine!” Suave gives Taylor the “do I really have to do this” look. Taylor smiles and nods affirmatively. The host sighs and continues. “If you’ve got a widow’s peak and you wanna be discreet-Rogaine/If it’s all falling out and you don’t wanna pout- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine. “Okay, now you have to do the guitar solo,” Taylor says. “A GUITAR SOLO?” exclaims Suave, “I don’t even know how to play the freakin’ guitar!” “But Johnny it’s in the contract-” Taylor reminds him. “Screw the contract,” Suave interrupts, “let’s get on with the next match.”

America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric vs. Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Tanya Hardy and the White Trash Posse
America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster comes out to a roaring ovation while the brooding Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Hardy gets a less than enthusiastic welcome. The match is a study in contrasts. Couric brings her microphone to the ring. Hardy brings her trademark baton. Couric seems happy, peppy and obnoxiously perky. Hardy’s facial expression is of one who’s about to rip someone’s face off. Couric brings her film crew and producer to the ring. Hardy brings the White Trash Posse- three men dressed in all black with black ski masks over their face.

“Well, this ought to be interesting,” Suave comments as the match gets underway. Couric walks around the ring and talks about of all things- herself. Or in this case, herself being inside a wrestling ring. Hardy stands in the middle and glares at her as Couric gives a running play by play of what they’re supposed to be doing ie… how the match is supposed to be choreographed. As she and Hardy lock up in the middle of the ring, Hardy plays along as Couric lamely attempts a few wrestling moves. The results are comical in nature and therefore perfect for the vapid nature of morning television. After a few more botched wrestling moves, Couric announces to everyone they’re at the point of the match where she knocks out her opponent and wins the match. Then she launches herself into the ropes and slams into Hardy. Hardy doesn’t budge an inch. “Let’s try that again,” Couric says with a big toothy smile on her face as she whips herself again into the ropes and tries to knock Hardy down. No go. Determined, Couric tries one more time to get Hardy off her feet. Nothing doing. Couric stomps up and down and throws a fit. “Hey!” she yells at Hardy, “according to the script you’re supposed to fall down so I can pin you and-” Hardy grabs Couric’s microphone and whaps her aside the head with it. “HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS SHE DOING?” Suave exclaims. Couric’s film crew is horrified and her producer jumps up to the edge of the ring. “Hey!” Couric’s producer shouts at Hardy, “You can’t do that to her! She’s Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female- OWWWW!” The White Trash Posse immediately pounce and whap Couric’s film crew and producer on the knee with batons. With her film crew occupied, Hardy then wraps the microphone cord around Couric’s neck. “HARDY IS CHOKING AMERICA’S FAVORITE FEMALE BROADCASTER!” Suave says. Hardy releases her and Couric flops face first onto the canvas. “You wanna know all about wrestling?” Hardy shouts at her, “I’ll show you what wrestling’s all about.” “Wow, I wonder what she means by that?” asks Suave. Hardy then executes a series of painful wrestling moves. Inverted Surfboard. Boston Crab. Figure four leg lock. Camel Clutch. Hardy then drags Couric across the ring and places her upside down on the corner turnbuckle with her legs slung over the top rope. “I don’t believe it,” Sauve says, “She’s put Couric in the tree of woe!” Hardy then puts a steel folding chair against Couric and then goes to the opposite corner. Then she runs across the ring and baseball slides into the chair which then smacks into Couric. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims as Couric’s body slowly slides off the ropes, “That’s it! She’s out!” The Trailer Park Honey then picks up Couric and puts her in the piledriver position. “Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Not that.” Suave frets, “not- the piledriver!” Immediately BCEW producer Guy Taylor rushes out to the ring to stop Hardy. “STOP!” Taylor cries out, “She’s America’s Favorite-” Again the White Trash Posse come to the rescue with a well-placed baton on Taylor’s knee. “NOOOOO!” an immobilized Taylor shouts as Hardy delivers the piledriver on America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That move ought to be banned. Of course, we’re talking about the piledriver.” Hardy mercifully covers. “1-2-3,” Suave says, “And that’s it. And thank God.”

After the match, medical staff attend to America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “Well, while they’re scraping up Katie Couric from the canvas,” Suave announces, “something clandestine and all secret like is going on backstage.” In one of the back rooms, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein is the phone chasing down the latest big scoop. “What?......You’ve got to be kidding!...A cover up!” Bernstein furiously scribbles notes down on a sheet of paper. “yeah…something about the BCEW men’s champion……dead?……Are you sure?....... Okay… …huh?......I can barely understand your accent……what?......Oh…you’re from Croatia and you have a thick Croatian accent. I get it now……right… What?......You have to go?.........Okay…how can I get in touch with you……..okay……and what can I call you?.........what?.........I can call you……‘Deep Croat?’………O-kay………Yeah, I’ll be in touch…”

Again backstage, Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove push the deceased BCEW men’s champion Rafael Barry Giambee in a wheelchair. “ROIDS!…ROIDS!...ROIDS!” shouts out the audience at the sight of the champion. Giambee is posed sitting up with a towel over his head as if he is relaxing. W just happens to be sauntering down the hall. “Hey champ,” W says, “what’s wrong with you? You look like death warmed over.” Dick quickly responds, “Mr. CEO, he’s relaxing...sleeping. Ah…you could say he’s totally……DEAD to the world.” W looks at the champ. “Oh, okay,” he says and pats him on the back causing Giambee’s head to flop down. “You get your rest champ. I bet you’re just DYING to get back in the ring.” A relieved Dick mumbles “that’s not the half of it,” as W goes on his way. Dick and The Mastermind quickly take the champion into the kitchen.

“There’s just some strange stuff going on,” Suave comments. “That’s about the best way to describe it- strange.” A commotion breaks out in the aisle way. “Huh? Now what’s going on?” Behind Suave, a furious America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric berates her producer for “letting her look bad” on national TV. “HOW THE F*** COULD YOU DO THAT ME! EVERYONE F****** LOVE’S ME! KATIE COURIC! AMERICA’S FAVORITE F****** FEMALE BROADCASTER! NOT THAT TWO-BIT HO TRAILER F****** TRASH-” “Wow,” a shocked Suave exclaims, “she isn’t the cutesy, perky person…OH MY GOD, SHE JUST FIRED HER PRODUCER!.......AND HER FILM CREW! HOLY CRAP!” Couric stomps off leaving the producer and film crew in total disbelief. “WHAT A B****!” comments Suave just as the bar becomes totally dark and a vignette begins to play on Hack’s big screen.

It’s a story that begins with these words: “long, long ago in a far, far away place.” It traces the wrestling career of one Annapolis Sleepwalker. Annapolis was considered a ‘babyface,’ or wrestler on the ‘good’ side. He was a brilliant theatrical wrestler with a distinct flair for the dramatic. Sleepwalker and his partner and mentor, Opie-Ron Kenofie, joined together to create a formable tag team that lasted many years as they wrestled in the small town circuit throughout the Southwest. It seemed as if nothing would ever separate them. Then came the fateful day that Annapolis met the figure who would forever change his life- King Palpatate. Palpatate was a ‘heel’ and slowly cultivated a relationship with the young Sleepwalker in order to gain his trust. Finally, Palpatate revealed himself to be a “Pith Lord” and used his charismatic influence and undeniable pithiness to turn Annapolis to the ‘bad’ side. Matters came to a head during a tag team match with the “Drunken Luchadors” The Flyin’ Martini Brothers at the Loving County Baked Beans Festival and Emporium when Annapolis turned on his long time partner and joined forces with Palpatate. Over the next two years, the two men carried on a vicious blood feud against each other that lasted over many spectacular matches all over the Southwest. Finally George W, who just happened to be the commissioner of the East Texas Wrasslin’ Association at the time, ordered that a final epic battle be held to settle the feud once and for all- in a Texas Death Match on a fifteen foot plank over a fifty foot flaming barbecue pit. The winner of the match would be the first one to powerslam his opponent into the molten lava-hot burning coals below. The match itself was electrifying as on several occasions both men nearly tumbled into the barbecue pit below. The younger Sleepwalker pushed the older Kenofie to the limit and nearly had the match won when Opie-Ron slips and nearly falls off the board. However Opie-Ron somehow swings himself back up and knocks Annapolis off balance momentarily. King Palpatate then tries to interject himself into the match by sneaking onto the plank. He’s about to push Kenofie off when George W intervenes. W pulls Palpatate off the plank and in the process also accidentally bumps into Sleepwalker. All Palpatate could do is helplessly watch as Annapolis lost his balance and took one last wild swing at Opie-Ron before tumbling down onto the burning coals. Annapolis was burned so badly in the barbecue pit that both legs and one of his arms had to be amputated.

“And why are we telling you this story?” the announcer of the vignette says, “well, because some weird guy dressed up in all black paid me $50 to- ACKKKKK…*choke* unnnnnnghhhh.” Then two figures appear on screen. A menacing looking King Palpatate and a seemingly “rebuilt” Annapolis Sleepwalker. Sleepwalker is dressed in black in a mechanized body suit complete with lots of flashing lights and breathes with the assistance of a machine. Over the heavy breathing of his apprentice, Palpatate declares that the “time has come” for Sleepwalker to reappear after ten long years. “He has come for what George W denied him 10 years ago!” the Pith Lord says as he strains to talk over Sleepwalker’s breathing which gets louder with every second, “A world championship. He is now powerful! He is stronger, faster, than he was before and it didn’t cost me six million dollars! I have-” Palpatate stops as Sleepwalker’s breathing becomes obnoxiously overaudable. “Jesus,” he snaps at his apprentice, “would you tone it down for God’s sake? You sound like a 1-900 phone line!” The screen goes black.

“Okay, that was definitely weird,” Suave says. “Now let’s get back to-” A guest unexpectedly shows up and joins Suave. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “what are you doing out here?” The Mastermind explains that he came out to watch the big three-way-dance to determine the #1 contender for Rafael Barry Giambee’s- the crowd interrupts Rove at this point to chant: “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS…”- BCEW Men’s World Championship. Suave asks The Mastermind his thoughts on the match. “Well, obviously I support the American Patriot’s representative A. Tom Bomb and think he’ll win. Besides, the Progressive Alliance is a bunch of wimps.” Immediately, a loud “YEEEEEAHHHH” sounds and out marches the American Screamer and leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard Deane. Deane and The Mastermind get into a heated argument with each other. Then Dick shows up and he starts in on the American Screamer. Deane says something nasty about the American Patriots; Dick responds with “Oh yeah? Well, your mama!” Deane takes umbrage at the remark about his mother and lunges at Dick and a major fracas develops. “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!” screeches Suave as he tries to get out of the way. As the two men roll around on the floor and flail away at each other, Katie the Waitress blows right by in a big hurry carrying a tray full of beer. “Right Hack,” yells out Katie, “I’ll get that from the walk-in freezer in the kitchen.” Dick immediately stops. “Oh ****,” he says and then tries to pry himself away from the American Screamer. “Let go,” he says as Deane bites him on the arm, “OWWWWWW!” Finally, Dick gouges Deane’s eyes and gets away from him. Then he runs after Katie to stop her from getting into the freezer. Unfortunately, he can’t get there in time. Katie opens up the door to the walk in freezer and finds the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee frozen solid inside. She screams, drops her tray, and then faints. “Well,” Dick observes as he looks down at the passed out waitress, “perhaps we better find another hiding place for him.”

“Okay, that was even weirder.” Suave says. “All right, let’s go. It is time for the big one. Who will become the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship that’s held by a guy who’s apparently been put on ice. We’re just about to find out.”

Three way dance to determine the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship: Justin Sufferable with the Attack Poodle Nancy Puglosi vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. A. Tom Bomb with Daisy Cutter Bomb
Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces the contestants. First out is Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance who walks to the ring with the “Attack Poodle” Nancy Puglosi. Next is “No Frills” Chris Escondido, an independent who comes the ring alone. Finally, out walks A. Tom Bomb who is led to the ring by his well-endowed valet Daisy Cutter Bomb. “It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for,” says Suave building up the event, “three men with a shot to get a chance at the BCEW Men’s champion.” The bell rings and the match begins.

Sufferable and Escondido immediately lock up. Escondido gets Sufferable into a waistlock, but A. Tom Bomb takes down Escondido and starts to work on his legs. Escondido low blows Bomb and breaks out of it. Then he nails Sufferable off the rope, gets in a chop, but Sufferable gets in a big dropkick on Escondido. A. Tom Bomb baseball slides Escondido to the outside of the ring where Daisy Cutter Bomb picks him up and slams him to the floor. Sufferable jumps off the ring apron and misses Escondido landing on the ring barricade instead. Daisy Cutter puts Sufferable back in the ring. A. Tom kicks him a few times, whips him hard into the ropes and hits a huge dropkick. Bomb covers, but only gets a two count as Escondido saves his old friend. Escondido gets Sufferable up in a vertical suplex and comes back down hard, covering in the same motion, but only gets a two count when A. Tom Bomb literally lifts him off. The crowd stands up and applauds the intense non-stop action. A “BCEW” chant starts up. “What an incredible start to this match,” Suave gushes, “all three men really want-” The lights suddenly go out. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW? I have no clue what is going on!” Suddenly the house lights come back up and there’s Annapolis Sleepwalker and his manager Palpatate inside the ring with the other three contestants. “What the hell!” Suave exclaims, “Sleepwalker? Palpatate? What does this mean?” Sufferable then pushes Sleepwalker and tells him to get out of the ring. Sleepwalker picks him up by the throat and choke slams him hard to the canvas. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “He just picked Justin Sufferable up and threw him down like rag doll. Here comes Chris Escondido!” Sleepwalker picks him up and choke slams him hard to the canvas. A. Tom Bomb is the only one left. A. Tom rushes forward and tries to throw a haymaker. Sleepwalker ducks and then latches his hand around the thick neck of A. Tom Bomb. “CHOKE SLAM!” yells Suave as Sleepwalker powers A. Tom Bomb to the canvas. Sleepwalker takes the mic. “The name Annapolis Sleepwalker has no meaning to me. From this point forward, you can call me…Barth Nader!” There’s a hush from the crowd. “BARTH NADER?” Suave says, “what the hell does that mean?” Nader declares that BCEW is just like the corporate lobby in Washington- basically designed to stifle all legislative activity on behalf of consumers. “Oh my God,” Suave wails, “he’s really gone to the other side. He’s talking in recycled quotes from Ralph freakin’ Nader!” Barth Nader states that he has taken pithiness to a whole new level. “George W. and the corporate elites stopped me from becoming world champion once,” Nader says, “Send me your champion, George W., right now. Send him down so I can destroy him just like you destroyed me.” Palpatate then declares that they will keep coming out and disrupting matches until W. sends out the BCEW Men’s Champion and then they leave the ring.

“Well,” Suave says as the pair exits, “Annapolis Sleep-…er…Barth Nader throws down the gauntlet to George W. He wants a title shot against the BCEW champion and they’re going to-” The sound of a cat meowing interrupts Suave followed by chants of “SRB…SRB.” “Ah, the sound of my favorite-…ah never mind…”

SRB- Skanky Rich Bimbos segment
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie come out. They don’t look very happy. Suave announces that he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on but it appears that the Skanky Rich Bimbos could be on the verge of breaking up. Paris takes the mic and tells the crowd that she’s not happy. She wants to replace Nicole with someone else. “You know what you did,” Paris tells Nicole. A shocked Ritchey responds, “I don’t know!” Paris: “Oh yeah? You don’t know that I know that you don’t know……but you still did.” Nicole: “That’s not true! You don’t know that!” “I don’t believe it,” says Suave, “This COULD be the end of the SRB!” Paris: “Well…I don’t know that you know that I know that…that…… ARRRRGHH! This is too hard! It hurts my brain.” Nicole: “Me too.” Paris: “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s just stand here and look hot.” Nicole: “Great idea! Everyone knows that- we sizzle…” Paris: “And you all……all……oh @#$#. What’s that word again?” Someone whispers “fizzle” to Paris. “Right. You all fizzle,” Paris says just as the lights go down once again. “Not again!” whines Suave.

After a few seconds the lights come back on and Barth Nader towers over the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB look terrified. “Oh no!” Suave says, “Oh no, no, no, no, no! He can’t do that to them.” Paris and Nicole each try to get out of the ring but Nader grabs them both by the neck and pithly says, “You are no match for my tremendous power derived from the people who are oppressed by big multi-national corporations.” “Yeah, no @#$# Sherlock!” Suave says as Nader lifts them both into the air and delivers a devastating double choke slam to the Skanky Rich Bimbos. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Barth Nader just killed the SRB!” The girls lay motionless on the canvas as Nader leaves the ring. Suave implores the paramedics to get into the ring and help them.

Backstage, W. watches what is happening with his aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. “I want a meeting right away,” W tells Dick. “Call Reid. Howard Dean. Johnny Suave. Everyone. I want them in my office now!”

Back in the ring, paramedics still attend to the SRB. Suave gets a message on his earpiece. He explains that he has been called to an emergency meeting to be held in George W’s office.

The obligatory Green World Order segment
The Green World Order aka…Peacenik #1 and #2, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and Peta from PETA, sit around a table in the back moping about their latest failure. Peta from PETA whines that people don’t care. Brock Cole Lee still fumes about Nic Koteen blowing smoke in his eyes and grilling hamburgers. Peacenik #1 and #2 still smart from getting their ass kicked in Episode 3 of Loose Cannons Unleashed. “Face it,” Peta from PETA says, “we are not meeting any of our objectives.” “Firepower,” Peacenik #1 pipes up, “as much as I hate to say it, we need more firepower.” There’s some grumbling among the GWO when Barth Nader walks in. Nader, in total search and destroy mode, immediately grabs Brock Cole Lee and threatens to choke slam him through the table. “WAIT!” shouts Peta from PETA who then proceeds to compliment Barth on his pithy Green agenda. Surprisingly, Nader puts Brock Cole Lee down. “I have to admit that the whole violence thing is a bit much but otherwise we all dig your message!” Peacenik #2 explains, “Can we join forces?” Barth Nader mulls the offer but declines. “A Pith Lord only works with his master,” he says, “but since we share the same ideals you are safe from my wrath.” Nader departs. The GWO all look relieved. Brock Cole Lee smiles and says, “Hey. Do you want to wear one of our shirts?” “Don’t press your luck!” advises Nader. Lee: “Right…”

Meeting- W’s office.
Harry Reid aka Pith Lord Barth Rabidenous of the Progressive Alliance, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, Johnny Suave, BCEW announcer, Tom “The Texas Hammer” DeLay from the American Patriots, W’s aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove attend the meeting. W is fuming. The first thing he does is accuse Harry Reid and the Progressive Alliance of being behind Barth Nader’s run-ins. Reid denies any involvement in the matter and tells W, “Barth Nader does not act under my authority. He has crossed over to the green side.” W then suggests that the BCEW Men’s champion Barry US Bonds Giambi- again, the crowd shouts out “ROIDS! ROIDS!” -take on Nader. “NO!” exclaims Dick who then goes on to explain that the champion is ‘unavailable’ and that he’s ‘training.’ “In a meat locker,” adds The Mastermind, “yeah. Just like Rocky!”

Then Woodward Bernstein, BCEW Investigative Reporter, confronts W. “Mr. CEO, isn’t it true that the real reason the BCEW Men’s Champion can’t help is that HE’S DEAD FROM COMPLICATIONS RELATING TO THE OVERUSE OF STEROIDS AND IS NOW HANGING ON A HOOK INSIDE THE WALK-IN COOLER OF HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON?” W is furious. “That’s ridiculous!,” he sputters as Dick and the Mastermind also throw in their two cents. “Mr. CEO,” Bernstein persists, “What did you know about Barry US Bonds Giambi’s steroid use and when did you know it!” “You’re out of order!” shouts back Dick.

“Just a second here,” a voice says. It’s Faux News ace reporter Brian Wilson. “Mr. Reid…or should I say- Barth Rabidenous. Isn’t it really true that this is a plot by the Progressive Alliance to disrupt and obstruct BCEW because they’re not getting their way.” Dean immediately denounces Faux News as a tool of the American Patriots and claims that “the American Patriots are evil. They’ve never worked a single day in their life.” “Just answer the @$#$ing question!” Wilson continues, “why can’t you @#$#ing answer the @#$#ing question?” “Hey, you’re Brian Wilson!” Suave jumps in. Wilson is like ‘yeah? And your point is?’ “I loved your music with the Beach Boys,” gushes Suave, “and Smile was freakin’ awesome man!” Wilson becomes incensed. “I’m not that @#$#ing Brian Wilson you @#$#ing dolt. I’m Brian @#$#ing Wilson of Faux News- Fair and Imbalanced! What the #@$%!...” The meeting then degenerates and is quickly adjourned.

Backstage- Utopian Nation leader Kofi Annan, The French Connection leader Jacques Chirac are in the middle of a heated argument with “The A-hole” John Bolton and “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld over the UN’s involvement in resolving the Barth Nader conflict. Annan and Chirac insist that only the Utopian Nations can solve this problem. Bolton points his pointed finger back at Annan and calls the UN a big @#$#ing joke!

Nader walks by. He first choke slams Annan and then “Mr. Old School.” Then Chirac immediately waves a white flag- no matter. Nader choke slams him too. Bolton unleashes a stream of obscenities at the Pith Lord- he gets choke slammed into a trash dumpster.

Three way mixed tag team match: Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson vs. Britney Spears & Kevin Federline vs. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
The three way mixed tag match of overexposed celebrity couples we’re tired of seeing on TV every five seconds one doesn’t even get under way. After Affleck is introduced to a chorus of quacking ducks shouting out “AFLAC!” every two seconds, Barth Nader comes out. He flicks his hand and all three couples are unceremoniously thrown out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! Suave wails. “He just waved his hand and they all flew out of the ring!”

Back in W’s office, he talks with the tag team “The Red Shirts.” The Red Shirts are a group devoted to the anonymous, unsung heroes who accompanied Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and crew down to a planet’s surface on various dangerous and life threatening missions. “The next time that maniac comes out you guys go in there and stop him.” W instructs them. The Red Shirts enthusiastically embrace their task.

Suave consoles the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “At least nothing’s happened to you,” he says.

America’s Sweethearts- Tom Cruise and Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes aka TomKat.
International movie superstar Tom Cruise comes out to the ring with his brand new sweetheart, Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes. “As much as it’s good to see Katie back in Buckland County,” Suave observes, “I wonder if it’s a good idea to be out here right now.” As TomKat approaches the ring, Towel Guy, 17 year old Derek Munson, dries off the ring ropes with a towel and bucket of water. Katie enters the ring first, then Tom Cruise. Cruise accidently bumps into Towel Guy and water from his bucket splashes onto the superstar. Cruise is pissed. “What kind of jerk are you?” he says to the unsuspecting Towel Guy, “A jerk! That’s what you are!” “Isn’t he dreamy?” gushes Katie, “he’s just like the poster of him I used to have on my wall.” Cruise then threatens to sue Towel Guy. “Oh let it go already,” Suave says, “it was a freakin’ accident.”

Cruise then takes the mic. “I came here to announce that Katie and I are engaged to be married.” Cruise says, “but first I’d like to comment on some of the stuff that’s been going on tonight.” Suave: “I guess he does know what’s been happening.” “First off, all this pithy, alleged supernatural nonsense is nothing more than a bunch of bull#$%$! There’s no such thing as supernatural pith-like powers,” declares Cruise, “it’s a myth. A fraud.” The crowd hushes and buzzes as Barth Nader suddenly appears in the aisle. “No you see,” Cruise says to audience, totally unaware that Nader is lurking close by, “here’s the problem. You all don’t know the history of supernatural pith-like powers. I do. That’s why *ZAP* ARRRRGHHHHHH…” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says disbelievingly, “Nader’s shooting streams of electricity into Tom Cruise!” Katie jumps out of the ring and starts smacking Nader with her purse. Bad move. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “Now he’s doing the same to Buckland County’s sweetheart Katie Holmes! Someone stop him. I don’t know if I can handle any more of this!” Nader then shoots a bolt of electricity towards Suave’s broadcast table. Suave ducks and the electricity engulfs the Shania Twain cardboard cut out in a halo of bright light. Suddenly, the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out animates and does a sexy table dance on the broadcast table. “Okay, I can handle that!” Suave says appreciatively.

Two men then come flying towards the ring. “WHAT? It’s the Red Shirts! The group named in tribute to the poor unlucky souls who accompany the stars of Star Trek on away missions and usually end up dead! WHOA! Nader just whipped out some type of light beam stick thingy… *fpharmawmph* HE JUST CUT THE RED SHIRTS IN HALF! HOLY CRAP!” Nader then takes the mic and again demands that W sends out his champion. “If you won’t send your environmentally unfriendly, big business oppressing champion out to me, I’ll just come to you.” “IT’S TOTAL PANDEMONIUM! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE AND NADER’S GOING AFTER W!” Suave exclaims as the camera follows Barth Nader as he leaves the ring and goes to the back toward W’s office. Nader literally throws anyone in his path out of his way as he advances down the hall and then literally runs right into Straight Shootin’ John McCain. “OH NO! NOT MCCAIN!” Suave says as both Nader and McCain stare at each other. Then inexplicatively Nader says to McCain, “Hey John, how are you doing?” McCain: “Very well. And you?” Nader: “Good, good.” McCain: “Glad to hear it.” Nader: “Hey can I get a picture with you?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain has one of the backstage people snap a picture of him and Barth Nader. Nader: “Thanks.” McCain: “Don’t mention it.” Nader: “The wife and kids okay?” McCain: They’re good. And you?” Nader points to his mechanized suit. McCain: “Oh. Sorry.” Nader: “Not a problem. Say, could you tell me where W’s office is?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain gives Nader the directions, they exchange pleasantries one more time and then each go their separate way.

W hides underneath his desk when Nader arrives at his office. Nader literally reaches underneath the desk and yanks W out by his tie. “Listen, you screwed me out of a championship before; you won’t screw me out of it again!” he says to W. “Either send out your champion or else you can show up in the ring himself.” With that, Nader flings W into his executive chair and exits. A visibly shaken W sits quietly in his chair mulling his options. Then Towel Guy comes in. “Do you need me anymore or can I go home?” Towel Guys asks. W begins to tell Towel Guy to go home. “Hold on a sec,” W says as he reaches into his desk and pulls out a replica of the BCEW Men’s championship belt. “You know, I don’t think you get enough credit for what you do. Take this as a token of my appreciation, a reward for a job well done.” W hands Towel Guy the belt. “WOW!” says Towel Guy, staring at the belt, “gee thanks Mr. W sir.” W then gives Towel Guy a $50 bill and asks him to give the ring ropes one last cleaning. “You can even wear the BCEW Men’s championship belt,” W says, “wear it with pride and get out there and make those ropes shine!” Towel Guy again thanks W and then grabs his water bucket to go to the ring.

“I don’t believe this! I can’t believe W is sending Towel Guy out there with the belt!” Suave says as Towel Guy hops into the ring and gets to work washing down the ropes. “Someone, anyone, get him out of that ring before its-” The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Barth Nader and Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

“Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

“Well on that note,” Suave says, “that’s it for Revenge of the Pith. We’ll be back with our next special- ‘Weekend at Barry’s’ very soon. I’m Johnny Suave and this has been Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.

No comments: