Monday, July 21, 2008

PCW Rewind- BCEW Backbreak Mountain

From January 2006 when PCW was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)...
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BCEW- BACKBREAK MOUNTAIN EVENT @ HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON


The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, stands in the middle of the ring as the capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon chants “BCEW…BCEW.” “Big thing going on!” he says, “big, BIG things!” Suave explains that the Texas Hammer Tom DeLay has stepped down from the American Patriots leadership. “He’s a casualty of the whole Rafael Barry Giambi controversy,” Suave says. The crowd immediately interrupts him and starts a “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” chant. The Rafael Barry Giambi incident stems from the accidental death of the former BCEW champion that was covered up by George W’s aide de camp Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove with assistance from DeLay.

“But there’s other news being made as we speak,” Suave adds, “Sam Alito’s appointment to the BCEW Competition Committee under attack by the Progressive Alliance.”

Sam Alito’s Confirmation Hearing
Alito sits uncomfortably in a chair and is unceremoniously grilled by the Progressive Alliance’s Chuck the Schmuck Schumer and the long lost member of the Kennedy clan who no one knew existed before- Fred Kennedy. “Mr. Alito,” Kennedy says, “besides the fact that George W and the American Patriots deliberately misled everyone about the health of former champion Rafael Barry Giambi-” Orrin Hatch of the American Patriot’s immediately objects and he and Arlin Spector get into it with Kennedy and Schumer. “They’re trying to smear you and they’re doing a crappy of job it!” Hatch roars. “He’s being inconsistent!” returns Kennedy. “Alito could swing the BCEW Competition Committee in the favor of the American Patriots!” whines Schumer, “and he and the American Patriots can’t be trusted!”

“YOU BASTARD!” Alito’s wife blurts out. Then she stands up and runs out in tears. “See what you did?” Hatch says. “Yeah, nice going,” Spector says, “@$#-hole!” “Oh yeah?,” Kennedy says, “unless we get the answers we’re looking for the Progressive Alliance reserves the right to take whatever measures necessary in terms of Mr. Alito’s nomination. “Oh really?” Hatch responds, “you do that and the American Patriots reserve the right to take whatever EXTRAORDINARY measures necessary to ensure that Mr. Alito is given a fair up and down vote.” “OH YEAH?” Schumer pipes in, “we’re willing to take EXTREME measures!” “HA!” Hatch scoffs, “you don’t know the meaning of extreme!” “OH YEAH?” Kennedy says, “we’re more extreme than you are. “OH YEAH?” Hatch responds, “well, WE put the EXTREME in Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!” “Oh please,” shoots back Kennedy, “you’re not remotely as extreme as we are!” “No, we’re more extreme!” Hatch replies. A bell rings.

Then Kennedy checks his watch. “Hey you know what?” he says, “it’s lunch time!” “Yeah. I’m hungry,” Spector agrees. “Me too,” chimes in Schumer. “Let’s break then,” Kennedy says, “anyone up for lunch. I’ll drive. I know this great little restaurant that’s right across a flimsy, wooden bridge over the river. Who wants to ride with me?” Awkward silence follows. Then everyone quickly begs off. “Suit yourself,” Kennedy says.

Back to Suave in the middle of the ring along with his constant companion- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Yeah, yeah,” Suave says as some people give him the business about the cardboard cut-out, “I almost came out tonight with a Sara Evans cardboard cut-out from that video she did.” The crowd cheers. ‘You would have liked that wouldn’t you?” Suave adds.

Suave gets down to the business at hand. “Thanks to an agreement struck by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain with the CEO of BCEW George W,” Suave announces, “tonight in this ring we will determine who will be the new BCEW Men’s champion. A special ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ Twenty five contestants in all!” Suave points to a ladder decorated up to look like a mountain with the BCEW Men’s Championship belt suspended twenty feet in the air. “We will start with four wrestlers in the ring and add one man every minute. Then after we get down to the final four contestants, the first one who climbs ‘Backbreak Mountain’ and grabs the belt will become the NEW BCEW Men’s Champion!”

A Visit to George W’s office
In BCEW CEO George W’s office, W, his aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove look royally pissed off. “Damn that John McCain,” grouses Dick, “you’re the CEO of BCEW. We make the decisions here. Not McCain.” W. reminds Dick that he didn’t have a whole lot of choice after the whole Rafael Barry Giambi fiasco. Again, a chant of “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” starts up. W continues: “YOU guys screwed this up. Not me. I just cleaned up the mess YOU made. The winner of the ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the BCEW Champion.” Dick grimaces and turns to Karl Rove. “I don’t care what you do,” Dick huffs at the Mastermind, “or how you do it. At the end of the night I want A. Tom Bomb’s arm raised up in victory and the BCEW Men’s Championship belt wrapped around his waist. Do you understand me?” The Mastermind nods in the affirmative and then points to his temple to, once again, show just what a freakin’ genius he is.

A Visit to Howard Dean’s office
Inside the office of the leader of the Progressive Alliance, American Screamer Howard Dean, Justin Sufferable sits across the desk from Dean and he doesn’t look very happy. “When I signed up with the Progressive Alliance,” Sufferable steams, “you promised me that you would pave the way for me to become the BCEW Men’s Champion. For nine months, you haven’t done @#$#.” Dean is taken aback. “I want that belt,” Sufferable continues, “and you and if that belt isn’t wrapped around my waist at the end of tonight I just might have to look at- other options.” Dean tries to reassure him. Sufferable isn’t listening. He yanks Dean up by the shirt collar. “Let me make this clear. I…want…that…belt,” Sufferable reiterates. After slinging the American Screamer back into his chair, Sufferable exits leaving Dean bewildered. He then calls in the Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi.

“All right, we’re back,” Johnny Suave says, “and it’s now time for the moment we’ve been waiting for!”

The lights dim low and the crowd quiets down. Charlene Ann Cantrell strolls to the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she says, “it’s time for the first ever Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” The crowd cheers and chants: “BCEW…BCEW.” The first four contestants come out as they are introduced by Charlene Ann. “It’ll be FUBAR,” Suave announces, “The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell- a newcomer to BCEW, Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, and Mr. No-Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly from Faux News.”

Buckland Bunkhouse Brawl All Out Free For All
Mr. Blockwell grabs the mic from Charlene Ann and in classic ‘Fashion Fascist’ style starts to rip into how gaudishly awful the people of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon are dressed. Of course they boo him. Then Blockwell makes the mistake of critiquing the outfit Charlene Ann Cantrell is wearing calling her a “mini-skirt wearing, Burger Queen tailored by Tim the Tool Man Taylor.” “WHAT!” Charlene Ann exclaims. “This Lolita of the Midwest really needs to-OOOFFF!” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “She kicked Mr. Blockwell in the balls!” The crowd starts up a ‘HOLY S#$#’ chant. “Charlene Ann grabs the Fashion Fascist by the shirt and throws him over the top rope out of the ring!” Suave says, “he’s out of the Free For All before it begins!” The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell is eliminated.

The bell rings and the match begins! Quickly, FUBAR launches himself at Michael Hunt. Hunt dives to the floor and FUBAR flies over him and charges into Mr. No Spin Factor Bill Really. O’Reilly fires back and delivers a German suplex to FUBAR. FUBAR goes after O’Reilly, but he trips over a loose shoe string and staggers into O’Reilly who flings him over the top rope! FUBAR is eliminated.

“The match is not even a minute old and already we have two wrestlers out,” Suave observes, “we’re just about to find out who will be the next contestant.” O’Reilly goes after Michael Hunt. “They’re going at it!” Suave says, “O’Reilly with a left, a right, another right. Snap mare suplex.” O’Reilly sizes up Hunt and then throws him across the ring into the ropes. “O’Reilly’s going for a clothesline but…wait! Who grabbed him from behind?” A older, graying man with a gap tooth smile stops O’Reilly. “HOLY CRAP! It’s night time talk show host David Letterman! WHAT IS HE DOING?” Letterman grabs Bill O’Reilly’s head and then jumps off the ring edge to the floor below pulling O’Reilly over the top rope and out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! DAVID LETTERMAN JUST TOOK OUT BILL O’REILLY!” shouts Suave, “HE’S OUT OF THE MATCH!” Bill O’Reilly is eliminated.

O’Reilly can’t believe what happened. Enraged, he and Letterman brawl with each other all the way back to the locker room. Suave resets the situation. “So Michael Hunt is the last man standing of the first four. Who will join him?” The answer comes in the form of music over the loudspeaker, a snippet of the Dixie Chicks song “Here’s Your Trouble.” Chuck-atalie, one third of the wrestling Dixie Chucks (who all dress up as each member of the country group the Dixie Chicks) races out and joins the fray. “DIXIE CHICKS ROCK!” shouts Chuck-atalie. Then Michael Hunt jumps the Dixie Chuck and tried to push him over the top rope to the outside. Hunt and Chuck-atalie go out at it with neither man gaining much of an advantage.

A clip of Toby Keith’s hit “Who’s Your Daddy” announces the next man in- Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. “This ought to get interesting,” Suave observes as mortal enemies Locke and Chuck-atalie immediately go after each other. As Michael Hunt stays off to the distance, Locke tries to push Chuck-atalie to the outside, but the Dixie Chuck holds on. Locke again tries to lift Chuck-atalie over the top rope but he clings desperately to the bottom rope. Locke delivers big right hands and delivers a power slam to the mat. Then Locke climbs up to the top rope. “What is he doing?” Suave asks as Locke takes his sweet time preparing his next move, “he’s wasting valuable time!” Michael Hunt comes over and pulls on the top ring rope causing Locke to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. “Ah yes, the classic wrestling cliché,” Suave says, “a wrestler who takes too much time climbing up to the top rope gets crotched.” Locke topples backwards out of the ring and to the apron below. Gary Locke is eliminated.

“We’re back down to two,” Suave observes, “Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.”

They were joined by the next contestant- Don Martini- one half of the BCEW tag team champions, the drunken luchadors “The Flying Martini Brothers. “Okay, this is the seventh wrestler out. Don Martini staggers to the ring and somehow manages to climb in.” Martini immediately climbs to the top rope. He wobbles back and forth and wastes time. “Okay,” Suave says, “we are quickly coming to another wrestling cliché. The wrestler who takes too much time on the top rope…” Martini leaps at Michael Hunt. Hunt takes two steps to the side and Martini splats face first on the canvas. “…misses their high risk move. Of course, adding alcohol to the equation makes it even more problematic.” Chuck-atalie stomps on Martini who somehow manages to pull himself up using the ring ropes. Chuck-atalie delivers a chop to the stomach of the Flying Martini brother and Martini holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh,” Suave says, “I’ve seen this one before and it ain’t pretty.” Martini heaves and then spews out a green stream of vomit. Chuck-atalie sidesteps the stuff but Michael Hunt unfortunately catches it full force. Hunt, coated in vomit, staggers backwards and flips over the top rope. Michael Hunt is eliminated.

“There we have it, it’s another Bleecth Beer gratuitous vomiting moment,” Suave announces as we see a slow motion replay of Martini spewing green vomit onto Michael Hunt, “Lovely isn’t it?”

Chuck-atalie carefully maneuvers around the ring, gently trying not to step in Martini’s vomit. Martini launches himself against the ropes and then slingshots towards Chuck-atalie. He slips in the ring and veers off course planting his face in the corner turnbuckle. Martini keels over unconscious. Before the Dixie Chuck can throw the Drunken Luchador over the top rope, the Toby Keith song “How Do You Like Me Now” blares. “It’s other half of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Earl Loade.” Loade immediately headscissors Chuck-atalie over the top rope, but Chuck-atalie holds onto the ropes and doesn't fall to the floor. Chuck-atalie gets back in the ring and battles Loade. Loade puts Chuck-atalie's leg over the top rope, but the Dixie Chuck fights back. Loade locks a front facelock on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie reverses and backdrops Loade on his head. Then he throws the Raving Redneck over the top rope, but he hangs on and rolled back in under the bottom rope.

Things heat up even more when the next man comes out- Chuck-artie of the tag team Dixie Chucks. “With Don Martini incapacitated, it’s two against one!” Suave observes. Chuck-artie immediately body slams Loade. Then Chuck-atalie throws a series of uppercuts and backs Loade into a corner. Chuck-artie hits a capture belly-to-belly suplex followed by a few boots to the mid-section by Chuck-atalie. Loade rolls under the bottom rope- he wasn't eliminated since you have to go over the top rope and have your feet touch the floor. Chuck-artie pursues Loade and slides between the second and third ropes, meaning also that he was still in the match. Chuck-artie flings Loade into the steel ring steps. “Loade is holding his lower back,” Suave announces, “he’s in a lot of pain and…what the hell?” Chuck-artie pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. “He puts Loade on the table!” Chuck-artie climbs the top turnbuckle and balances himself. “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do,” Suave says, “but wait! Loade gets up and he’s got Chuck-artie. No….NOOOOO.” Loade suplexes Chuck-artie from the top rope through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Loade just planted Chuck-artie through the table! And what? According to the referee, BOTH men technically went over the top rope! They’re out!” Earl Loade and Chuck-artie are eliminated.

The crowd starts up another ‘Holy s#@#’ chant. Loade and Chuck-artie slowly come to in wood pile that used to be a table. “I don’t think they’re dead,” Suaves says, “but they sure as hell should be. That was sick.”

Recapping who’s in and out.

OUT: FUBAR, Mr. Blackwell- The Fashion Fascist, Michael Hunt, Mr. No-Spin Bill O’Reilly, Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Chuck-artie of the Dixie Chucks, Earl Loade of the Raving Rednecks-Locke and Loade.

STILL IN: Don Martini- one half of the tag team champions The Flying Martini Brothers and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.

IN SINCE THE BREAK: Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, “The Smelly Luchador” Halitosis, Little Paulie of the American Bikers, and Al Cahall from Politically Correct

Howard Dean’s Office
Justin Sufferable stomps in. “What do you want!” he says, “I’m supposed to wrestle in a just few moments!” The American Screamer Howard Dean, with the Attack Poodleette Nancy Puglosi and the Pith Lord Harry Reid, tries to calm him down. Dean tells Sufferable that he has given lots of thought to what he said earlier tonight about winning the BCEW Men’s Championship. “Because I want you to be happy…and successful,” Dean gestures at Puglosi and Reid, “WE…want you to be happy and successful. We’re bringing in the big guns to make sure you…and the Progressive Alliance…achieve our mutual goals tonight.” Dean then tells Puglosi to bring in their ‘big gun.’ “I wonder who that could be?” Suave ponders. Dean brings in a man, 6 foot 5, wearing a blue #18 football jersey. “PEYTON MANNING?” Suave says, “The Colts quarterback? HE’S the big gun?” “I am confident,” Dean says, “that a talent such as Peyton Manning, All-American quarterback, will give us the edge we’ll need to win our big game tonight!” Justin Sufferable doesn’t seem nearly as confident. “I’m right behind you Mr. Sufferable,” Manning gushes, “I even have a cheer for you. Who’s going to pin them; who’s going to win? Justin! Justin is!” Justin stops him. “Look, when the time comes, you can be in my corner. Until then, leave me alone.” Sufferable then leaves. Dean tells Peyton ‘just keep busy’ and he’ll get him when the time comes.

“Welcome back to ‘Backbreak Mountain,’” Johnny Suave says, “I am the voice of BCEW Johnny Suave. NFL quarterback Peyton Manning helping out Justin Sufferable. The Progressive Alliance is bringing out all of the artillery tonight. Let’s get back to the action.”

BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (CONT.)
Little Paulie hits a big uppercut on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie turns around and shoves Little Paulie back into the ring ropes. Al Cahall slips in from behind and picks up Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, who up to this point protested the violence by sitting in the middle of the ring and refusing to fight, and press slammed him. Cahall goes for a wheelbarrow bulldog on Peacenik #1 but before he hits the bulldog, Little Paulie dumps him over the top rope. Al Cahall is eliminated.

“That’s the end of the line for one of the members of Politically Incorrect,” states Suave, “we are down to five.” Little Paulie elbows Chuck-atalie in the face. Halitosis does a couple luchador-type moves and nearly knocks Little Paulie of the American Bikers out of the ring. Peacenik #1 then confronts Halitosis. Holitosis uses his patented finishing maneuver, the ‘breath of death,’ on Peacenik #1. Peacenik #1 is rendered unconscious. Then Little Paulie picks up the GWO member and deposits him outside the ring. Peacenik #1 is eliminated.

Another member of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, comes out and takes Peacenik #1’s place. In the center of the ring, Lee and Little Paulie confronts each another. Lee starts talking smack to the American Biker. Little Paulie piefaces Brock Cole Lee and it’s on. Lee fires back with a big right hand and goes for a shoulder block. Little Paulie sidesteps the onrushing Vengeful Vegan and Lee crashes into and literally wakes up one half of the BCEW Men’s Tag Team Champions- Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers. Lee bounces up and gets another shoulder block by Little Paulie. The Dixie Chuck Chuck-atalie then suplexes Lee and sends him crashing onto the canvas. “Lee’s in trouble,” Suave says as Don Martini climbs onto the turnbuckle, “here comes the drunken luchador Don Martini…” Martini does a hurricane-rama from the top rope…and misses. “Well, at least he was close…kind of,” Suave says. Lee gets Martini up and tries to throw him over the top rope. Miraculously, Martini somehow holds onto the bottom rope.

At the bar, All-American quarterback Peyton Manning chant “Pour that beer! Pour that beer!” to cheer on Katie the Waitress who pours a draft beer for a customer.

Another member of Politically Incorrect, Nic Koteen, enters the match and immediately goes after Brock Cole Lee. “Koteen and Lee hate each other!” Suave says as both men hammer away at the other. Koteen puts the Vengeful Vegan up on the top rope and slaps him across the face. Lee then responds by talking trash and puts a headscissor around Koteen’s head. “That’s almost a choke hold,” Suave says as Lee squeezes his legs together and then tries to pull Koteen over the top rope. Lee, totally focused on Nic Koteen, forgets about Little Paulie lurking about. He grabs Lee and powerbombs him in the center of the ring! The fans chant "BCEW…BCEW!" Lee pulls himself up and gets smacked with right hands from Koteen. Lee counters with a big shot of his own. Then he whips Koteen into the ropes before Nic comes back, ducks a Brock Cole Lee clothesline, and clotheslines an unsuspecting Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks is eliminated.

Then the smelly luchador Halitosis unleashes another ‘breath of death’ on Brock Cole Lee and then follows up with a neckbreaker that sends the Vengeful Vegan over the top rope. Brock Cole Lee is eliminated.

“We are down to Little Paulie of the American Bikers, Drunken Luchador Don Martini, Smelly Luchador Halitosis,” Suave resets. The next contestant runs down to the ring- it’s Peacenik #2. “The last member of the Green World Order,” Suave announces. He is handed a note by one of the production crew. “WHAT?” Suave says, “you can’t be serious.” He shake his head. “Ladies and gentlemen. The Hollywood Left has demanded air time for their special “Golden Globe” awards so they can pat themselves on the back, engage in self-congratulations, and tell us how more enlightened and self-important they are.”
**
The Hollywood Left’s Golden Globe Awards
George Clooney stands behind the podium. “And the winner is,” Clooney says, “William “Kirk” Shatner’s kidney stone!” Clooney hold up a plastic jar filled with formaldehyde contains the kidney stone of William Shatner. The paparazzi takes photo after photo of Clooney, the kidney stone, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. “This is totally ridiculous!” Suave complains, “what a bunch of egomanic, narcissist, arrogant-” A commotion erupts. “What’s this?” DeWayne Cantrell appears and whaps George Clooney over the head with a steel-folding chair. “HOLY CRAP!” an overjoyed Suave shouts, “YES! He just hit Clooney with a steel-folding chair!” *CLANG* “And he just took out Hoffman!” *CLANG* “Down goes Joaquin Phoenix.” *CLANG* “Reese Witherspoon! Even though I really liked her in Illegally Blonde.” *CLANG* Geena Davis! *CLANG* “That guy from the 40 Year Old Virgin!” DeWayne walks to the podium and directs the cameraperson to come in close, really close. The camera man obliges. Then DeWayne yells into the camera: “LET’S GET BACK TO THE @#$#ing BRAWL!”

Back to the Bunkhouse Brawl (cont.)
The crowd goes wild. “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” Suave concurs, “uh, oh. Don Martini is up on the top rope again.” Little Paulie whips Halitosis into the corner. Martini loses his balance and falls hard to the floor for the elimination. Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers is eliminated.

Ringside, Peyton Manning jumps up and down cheering the ref. “GREAT CALL!” he shouts, “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE MAN!” The referee looks totally embarrassed.

“O-kay…well, while we were gone, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Snott Flemmstein, and NRA from Politically Incorrect joined the Bunkhouse Brawl,” Suave advises.

Martini twitches on the outside. “I hope he’s okay,” Suave says, “that was not a good fall for the Drunken Luchador.” Halitosis tries to rally and goes to give the “breath of death” on Little Paulie. Instead, Little Paulie lifts up the Smelly Luchador tosses him to the floor. The Smelly Luchador Halitosis is eliminated.

Peyton Manning asks the bell ringer for his autograph. The bell ringer looks at him as if he’s insane.

Nic Koteen slaps his chest and front dropkicks Flemmstein and follows with a front dropkick to the midsection. Flemmstein stumbles around and tries to shoot more snot from his prostheticly enhanced nose. It jams up. “Flemmstein’s in big trouble!” Suave says as Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist calls for the rubber gloves, “big BIG trouble!” *SNAP* Rectum puts on the rubber glove. Flemmstein immediately taps out. “But there’s no tapping out in the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” Suave says. Rectum snaps on the other glove. So instead, Flemmstein flings himself over the top rope and eliminates himself. Snott Flemmstein eliminated.

That leaves Nic Koteen and NRA of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld,. “Five in the ring and it looks like the way the draw worked out we will be seeing-,” Suave says, “...what the hell is NRA doing?” NRA inexplicatively leaps over the top rope and heads into the crowd. “Whoa. There’s something’s going on here,” Suave reports, “NRA is walking to the bar……it looks like someone’s giving his wife a hard time…” NRA confronts a guy holding two beers standing by his wife. “…or worse, he bought her a beer.” The police walk over to make sure nothing gets out of hand. In the ring, the referee signals that NRA is out. NRA eliminated. “NRA ELIMINATED HIMSELF!” Suave says.

NRA realizes what he’s just done. “@#$#!!!” he shouts.

“Well that was just weird,” Suave says. A meow SFX sounds. “YYESS!! Oh baby! Here we go! Here comes the SRB!” Enter Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aka the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB walks sleazily towards the ring followed by The ‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern. “He is the next contestant!” Suave says, “the Sultan of-” “WAY TO GO JOHNNY, WAY TO GO!” Peyton Manning chants and claps, WAY TO GO JOHNNY...” “Oh Jesus, get out here!” a briefly startled Suave tells the NFL quarterback. “Nice cardboard cut-out,” Manning says pointing at the Shania Twain life-size cardboard cut-out. Suave shoos him away. “GO!” Stern enters the ring. The SRB cheers him on from the outside. “There are five men left in the ring and if my list is correct,” Suave observes, “there are only four wrestlers left to come out. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots. And his brother ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb- also of the American Patriots.”

Huge explosion sound effects. “And speaking of the Bombs,” Suave says, “it looks like it’s ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb who’s the next one in.

“There are five wrestlers left in the ring,” host Johnny Suave says, “‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect, ‘Mr. Old School’ Don Rumsfeld, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb. There are three wrestlers left to come out- they are the top three contenders for the BCEW men’s championship: Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots, and Independent “No Frills” Chris Escondido.”

“This all started with a deal brokered by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain. The winner of tonight’s ‘Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the new undisputed BCEW Men’s Champion. Once we get down to the final four men, the First man to climb the ladder aka ‘Backbreak Mountain’..,” Suave refers to the ladder adjacent to the stage decorated up to look like a mountain, “…and grabs the BCEW Men’s Championship belt becomes the champion. Let’s get back to the action.”
*
BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (cont.)
Newt Tron Bomb slowly makes his way to the ring to join the other four. “He’s not in any great hurry to join the action,” Suave observes, “and he’s eating? What the hell is he eating?” Chowing on a bowl of baked beans, Newt continues to amble his way to the ring when a man dressed in a king-like costume with a ridiculously big grin on his face pushes him out of the way and bolts to the ring. “What?” a surprised Suave says, “HEY! THAT’S THAT CREEPY KING CHARACTER FROM THE BURGER KING COMMERCIALS!” The King jumps into the ring. The other four don’t quite know what to make of him. They look at each other. They look at the King. The four nod and then… “THEY’RE TAKING OUT THE KING!” Suave shouts as Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum, Nic Koteen, and Don Rumsfeld jump the king and start beating the hell out of him. “HOLY CRAP! THE CROWD’S GOING NUTS!” After a few seconds of mindless violence against a helpless TV character in costume, the four lift the King up and unceremoniously dump him out of the ring.

“The Burger King definitely didn’t have it his way tonight!” Suave cracks as the costumed character staggers past an amused Newt Tron Bomb towards the back. “And the referee has started to count Newt Tron Bomb out.” Now properly motivated, Newt Tron finally gets into the ring. Stern hooks up with Nic Koteen. Mr. Old School and Ivan Rectum have at it. Newt Tron stands in the middle of the ring. “Newt’s finally in there but…but…he’s standing in the ring. And he has this weird smile on his face. Why is he wearing a gas mask? And...OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL!......OH GOD, THAT IS RANK.” One by one, the other wrestlers start dropping like flies. “What the-…” Suave sees Newt Tron fanning his behind. “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” he screeches as the last wrestler is overcome by the noxious fumes emitted from Newt Tron Bomb’s ass. “THEY’RE ALL OUT!” Newt Tron then dumps each one over the top rope leaving only him in the ring.

George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove rushes to the ring on one side. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy joins them to represent the American Patriots. The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid races in from the other side for the Progressive Alliance. “Okay, what’s this all about?” Suave asks. Dean and Dick get into a squabble over what happens next. The Mastermind and Bill Frist chirps away at the Pith Lord Harry Reid. Meanwhile, a couple of ring technicians bring two big fans in to ventilate the leftover gas from Newt Tron Bomb. “What happens now?” Suave says, “I think that’s what they’re trying to figure out.” A few more seconds go by and the crowd grows impatient. A “BCEW…BCEW” chant rings out. Suddenly, Justin Sufferable appears. He is escorted to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Peyton Manning. “I think,” Suave says as ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido comes out, “I think they’re calling the other three to the ring now!” A. Tom Bomb, led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, follows Escondido to the ring. Then the referee brings the ladder and the championship belt into the ring. He then puts the belt up on a wire and then the belt is hoisted about fifteen feet up in the air. “Yep, they’re going to put all four in now along with the ladder. The first man to climb the ladder and grabs the belt wins the title,” Suave says, “and you know it’s crunch time now because no one’s leaving ringside.” The American Screamer Howard Dean and Pithy Harry Reid stake out one side; Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove stake out the other. George W and Dick hang back off to the side.

“All four men are in the ring,” Suave says, “and so it begins.” A. Tom and Newt Tron Bomb immediately attack Justin Sufferable. A. Tom took the fight to Sufferable’s left arm and shoulder. Newt Tron suckers Justin and hits a cheap shot but the Progressive Alliance champion fights back and clotheslines Newt Tron. Then A. Tom Bomb kicks Sufferable in the back and follows with chest chops and a dropkick. A. Tom hit four power suplexes in a row and Newt Tron Bomb gets into the act with punches to Justin’s head. Standing out of the way is “No Frills” Chris Escondido. Finally, A. Tom Bomb motions Escondido to join them. “Escondido hates Justin Sufferable,” Suave observes, “he wants to destroy Justin Sufferable just as much as the American Patriots do!” As A. Tom Bomb holds Sufferable, Escondido hits two boots to Sufferable’s face. Escondido delivers some right hand punches, pulls Sufferable up and backdrops him, clotheslines and chops him to the chest. Newt Tron hits a spinning kick to Sufferable’s face. “The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid are up on the apron screaming at the ref!” Suave says, “the American Patriots with help from Chris Escondido are taking Justin Sufferable out!” A. Tom locks in a front guillotine choke. “Sufferable can’t hold on much longer,” Suave says, “DEAN AND REID HAVE JUMPED THE ROPES!

Dean and Reid rush into the ring and try to aid Sufferable. Dean shoves Newt Tron Bomb down. Reid attempts to do the same to Chris Escondido. Bad move. Escondido pushes back and knocks down the Pith Lord. “AND NOW DAISY CUTTER-BOMB IS IN THE RING!” Suave announces. Daisy Cutter, the well-endowed younger sister of the Bomb brothers, clobbers Dean from behind and begins to stomp on him. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove cheers as Daisy Cutter delivers a leg drop on the American Screamer. “NOW NFL ALL AMERICAN QUARTERBACK PEYTON MANNING IS IN THE RING!” Daisy Cutter turns her sights on the pro football player who’s not sure he wants to be in the ring. Daisy distracts the NFL star while Newt Tron slips in from behind and clobbers Manning from behind. “Manning is down!” Suave says as the NFL QB hits the turnbuckles and drops to the mat, “Daisy Cutter Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb have neutralized the American Screamer Howard Dean and Pith Lord Harry Reid. A. Tom Bomb and Chris Escondido are destroying Justin Sufferable! ” The Mastermind Karl Rove, again, points to his head to point out, again, just what a freakin’ genius he is, again. “This was the plan all along!” Suave says, “The Mastermind has choreographed this perfectly for the American Patriots!”

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play and the crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK!” George W. and his aide de camp Dick can’t believe their eyes. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK IN BCEW!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

The crowd continues the sing along as Gore suddenly bolts for the ring. “HE’S COMING TO THE RING!” Suave says. The Mastermind Karl Rove is the first one he reaches. *CLANG* Rove goes down. Gore turns to Bill Frist-Medicine Guy. *CLANG* Same result. Daisy Cutter-Bomb leaps over the rope and *CLANG* catches the steel-folding chair flush in the face. She’s out. “THE ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON IS CLEANING HOUSE!” Suave roars over the crowd. Gore stares down George W and his aide de camp Dick who both try to keep their distance from him. Newt Tron Bomb then takes a swipe at Gore from inside the ring. Gore grabs his hand and drags Newt Tron over the top rope. The Bomb Brother lands on the floor and then… *CLANG* Gore drops a bomb of his own so to speak. The referee calls Newt Tron Bomb out of the Brawl. Newt Tron Bomb is eliminated.

“We’re down to three!” Suave exclaims, “Escondido. A. Tom Bomb. Justin Sufferable.” A. Tom Bomb is furious. He jaws with Gore while Escondido stays back and Sufferable tries to pull himself up. A groggy NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning also manages to climb back up to his feet. Manning leans back on the top rope and lays on it. “Sufferable is up but still hurt,” Suave announces, “Escondido bides his time and A. Tom Bomb is preoccupied with Al Gore.” Sufferable staggers back onto the ropes right by NFL Star Peyton Manning. Sufferable leans back on the already lowered ropes, loses his balance, and accidently flips over the top rope out of the ring. “SUFFERABLE IS OUT!” Suave cries as Manning looks down at Sufferable incredulously, “THE ALL-AMERICAN QUARTERBACK HAS JUST BLOWN ANOTHER BIG GAME!” Sufferable sits on the floor in total disbelief. Justin Sufferable is eliminated.

“Here comes the American Screamer,” Suave says Howard Dean races to the ring, “Dean is lighting up the referee. He is pissed.” Dean, Gore, and eventually Sufferable get into a heated protracted argument with the referee over Justin’s elimination. Sufferable demands to be put back in the ring. The referee refuses and again motions that Sufferable is gone from the brawl. While this is going on, George W’s aide de camp Dick slips in unnoticed. He reaches into his pants pocket and produces a shiny metal object. “What the hell?” Suave asks, “THAT’S A FOREIGN OBJECT! DICK HAS A FOREIGN OBJECT AND HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT TO A. TOM BOMB!” After making sure that the referee wasn’t looking, Dick tries to slip the shiny metal object to A. Tom. Suddenly, the crowd noise surges. “WHAT?” Suave says, not sure what’s happening now, “IT’S…IT’S……IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN MCCAIN!” McCain goes to the ring and confronts Dick about the foreign object. Dick tries to hide the object and look innocent. McCain doesn’t buy it. “McCain caught him red handed. He wants the object,” Suave says. McCain grabs for the foreign object and tries to pry it out of Dick’s hand. Dick desperately tries to hang on to it. As A. Tom Bomb looks down helplessly as the two men grapple over the foreign object, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido seizes the opportunity and delivers a stiff forearm shot to the back of A. Tom Bomb and pushes him over the top rope out of the ring. A. Tom Bomb is eliminated.

“THAT’S IT!” Suave shouts, “CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS GOING TO BECOME THE NEW BCEW MEN’S CHAMPION!” Dick is in total shock. George W. stares at the ring with his mouth wide open. The referee breaks off his conversation with the American Screamer and goes to the ladder. The American Patriots watches helplessly as Escondido quickly climbs Backbreak Mountain (aka a very tall ladder dressed up as a mountain) and grabs the BCEW Men’s championship belt.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido wins the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl.

“HE’S DONE IT!” Suave says, “HE’S DONE IT! CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS THE CHAMPION! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! CHRIS ESCONDIDO HAS PULLED IT OFF! UNFREAKIN’ BELIEVEABLE!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon audience gives Escondido a standing ovation. George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove and the other members of the American Patriots all look like they’re about to hurl. Justin Sufferable and his Progressive Alliance mates are equally as distraught at the turn of events. A stream of independent wrestlers join Escondido in the ring to congratulate him: The American Bikers- Big Paulie and Little Paulie, Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don-the Flyin’ Martini Brothers among others.

“Thanks to ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain,” Suave recaps, “who stopped Dick from slipping A. Tom Bomb a foreign object, “Chris Escondido was able to knock A. Tom over the ropes and claim the BCEW Men’s Championship belt. That is it from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is Johnny Suave for BCEW- Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.”

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