Tuesday, February 26, 2008

2/26- BCEW Extreme Political TV

From BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave’s in the ring.

Suave: “We now know that it’ll be ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes with John McCain versus ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama and Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers versus the winner of tonight’s independent main event- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ Halitosis taking on D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice.”

Suave recaps the aftermath of last week’s Starz N. Stripes/Mike the Mechanic match. Starz just got the pin on Mike when Bill Keller and Paul Krugman of the New York Times attack John McCain. Starz tries to help but gets overwhelmed when the rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, and Media Matters for America) join in. Then the unthinkable takes place, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity run out to McCain’s defense.

Ann Coulter is beside herself. She confronts Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity. Coulter: “How could you? How could you come to John McCain’s aid after everything we’ve tried to do to stop him?” Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity all look at each other and then reply: “New York Times.” Coulter: “That’s stupid! OOOHHHH!” Coulter turns and stomps away.

MATCH #1 ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON, ‘Right Wing Blogger’ MICHELLE MALKIN, and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA, “BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)
Suave: “Well? I guess this is take three. The last two weeks, Ann Coulter has proved why she is the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ by destroying both Tessa Martin and Tequila Sheila before their match was to have began. Tonight, it’s a cage match.” Tequila Sheila, serenaded by the BCEW Hall crowd to the Bobby Bare song, ‘Tequila Sheila,’ is the last one of the Independent team to enter the cage. Tessa wields an extra-large pizza box and Daisy Cutter-Bomb has her Singapore cane at the ready.

Coulter, Hallie Burton, and Michelle Malkin arrive next. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ enters the cage and immediately starts chirping at all three of her opponents. There’s commotion on the floor and a creepy guy accosts both Hallie Burton and Michelle Malkin. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL IS GARY BUSEY DOING HERE?” Busey, fresh off his unnerving appearance on the red carpet at the Oscars, hugs both Burton and Malkin. Both women look horrified. Burton tries to spin away and in the process shuts the cage, trapping Coulter inside with all three of their opponents. Burton and Malkin run away with Busey in hot pursuit.

Coulter suddenly realizes she’s in big trouble. She suddenly tries to make nice with her opponents. Coulter: “Remember all those things I said and did the last couple weeks? Well, it was all just a misunderstanding...yeah, that's it...it was all a mistake-” *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN JUST SMACKED COULTER IN THE KISSER WITH THE PIZZA BOX! WHAT THE HELL IS INSIDE…” Tessa tears opens the box. It’s a road sign. Suave: “Ahhh, makes sense now.” Tequila Sheila then pours a blender full of tequila onto the semi-conscious Coulter. Daisy then drags Coulter up by her long, blond mane and finishes her off with a ‘Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb.’ Daisy sticks her foot on Coulter’s chest. 1-2-3.

WINNER: TEQUILA SHEILA, ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)

Cincinnati talk show radio personality Bill Cunningham is in the process of introducing John McCain. Cunningham gets off topic and goes off on Barack Obama. Cunningham: “Obama is a hack, Chicago-style Daley politician who's picturing himself as change. When he gets done with you, all you're going to have in your pocket is change." Cunningham continued to mock Obama, calling him "Barack Hussein Obama," the "fraud from Chicago" and finishing with “if Obama were to be elected president he would meet with the leaders of enemy nations, world leaders who want to kill us," they’ll all be "singing Kumbaya together around the table with Barack Obama."

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop blares*

‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs out and clotheslines Cunningham. Then he powerbombs Cunningham off the stage and through a table.

Thankfully, Suave then comes back on and recaps last week’s Progressive Alliance three-way dance between ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama, DLC with Hillary Clinton, and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) with Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers. Suave: “First, the Clintons and their Political Pitbulls turned on DLC and sided with Triple R. Then this happened…”

Triple R shakes hands with Hillary and both HRC and Bill seem extremely pleased with themselves. Hillary gets on the mic. She stridently says that she’ll do anything to be the leader of the Progressive Alliance and the new BCEW CEO. That’s why she’s teamed up with Triple R because he shares the same drive and determination. Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers watch, not sure of what just happened. Bahama is still groggy in the ring. Triple R climbs back in the ring and circles him. Hillary yells at Triple R to finish him. Obama yells at Bahama to move. Triple R stomps at the New Rookie Sensation. Jacknife powerbomb by Triple R. Triple R to cover but Obama gets in the ring. The crowd noise increases when Triple R breaks his own cover and stands up. Hillary screams at Triple R to take Obama out. Triple R steps towards him. A fracas breaks out outside the ring. The Angry Left Wing Bloggers vs. the Clinton Political Pitbulls? Hillary turns and can’t believe what’s going on. She screeches at the left wing bloggers to stop. Triple R turns back to see what’s going on. Arianna blows powder into his face and blinds him. Bahama low-blows Triple R. Bahama covers. Bill Clinton tries to get into the ring but Barack cuts him off. 1-2-3.

The perpetual angry highway warrior, Triple R (Road Rage Randy), defiantly declares that ‘it’s still not over.’ Triple R: “Despite the fact that the entire Progressive Alliance is against me, I’m still here and I’m still fighting.” Hillary Clinton joins him. Hillary: “Just because Triple R was pinned last week doesn’t mean that we’ve lost. It took outside interference on the part of Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the rest of her mob to put an inexperienced and untested O’Beck Bahama over.” Hillary then complains that people complain when her Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) intervene to ensure ‘fairness’ but when Obama teams up with Arianna and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers no one says a word. Hillary: “I’m tested and ready to go and I’m not giving up without a fight.”

Triple R: “It won’t be over until the referee counts to three and declares the next BCEW Champion and I’ll guarantee you that it’ll be me.”

Suave: “Yeah, right. It’s hard to win if you’re not one of the participants.”

Suave then recaps the BCEW Tag Team Championship match last week between the champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini vs. The Green World Order (Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete). Again, the GWO is thwarted when GreenPete gets projectile vomited on by both Dan and Don Martini.

‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA are inside the ring. Lee opens up by stating that the Progressive Alliance hasn’t lifted a finger to help them defeat the BCEW Tag Team champions. Brock Cole Lee: “So as of this moment, the Green World Order is no longer a part of the Progressive Alliance.” PeaceNick: “Good. It’s about time we quit pro wrestling. It’s too violent and-” Lee interrupts PeaceNick and tells him that the GWO is not quitting wrestling. PeaceNick pouts. Lee: “But if the Progressive Alliance won’t protect us, then we’ll turn somewhere else.” At that moment, the house lights go down. Suave: “Okay. What’s going on?” The house lights come back up and Darth Nader now stands with the Green World Order. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BACK? DARTH NADER IS BACK?”

Suave goes back to the second ever BCEW pay per view, “Revenge of the Pith,” to show Darth Nader’s seeming demise at the hands of Towel Guy. BCEW CEO George W had just sent Towel Guy out to ‘wipe down the ring ropes’ when in actuality, he was throwing the unknowing Towel Guy out there to be destroyed by Darth Nader.

The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Darth Nader and King Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. “Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

Suave: “So, I thought you’d melted into a pile of primordial goo?”

Darth Nader: “I got better.”

Suave: “Oh.”

Nader then declares that ‘he’s back’ and while he no longer has the ability to shoot streams of electricity from his hands or the ability to channel the dark green side to choke people out, Nader still believes that he could be a…‘force.’ Groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Nader then throws his hat into the BCEW CEO race. More groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Darth Nader continues to drone on in all his pithiness until Halitosis and D.B. Ruff come out for the main event.

MATCH #2 FINALS OF THE INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS vs. D.B. RUFF of Rough Justice- two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice w/Conner Justice
Suave: “It’s pretty simple- the winner wrestles for the BCEW title next week in Ohio.” Halitosis attacks before the bell, and before Darth Nader, who doesn’t move very well anymore, can clear the ring. Nader gets spun around as Halitosis hits several high flying moves on Ruff, who wisely slides out of the ring to regroup. The Green World Order pull Nader out of harm’s way as Halitosis springboards from the top rope and crossbodies Ruff on the floor. Ruff’s partner, Conner Justice, immediately attacks Halitosis and Rough Justice doubleteams the ‘Insanely Smelling Luchador.’ Halitosis gets put through a table but miraculously kicks out when Ruff goes for the cover. Halitosis ‘recovers’ and mounts an offense, using kicks and a sweet top rope missile dropkick on Ruff. Halitosis goes for another one but Justice pushes the referee into the way and the poor ref nearly gets his head taken off.

The ref down, both Ruff and Justice liberally double team Halitosis. Chairshot by Ruff. Chairshot by Justice. Halitosis staggers backwards. Justice brandishes a taser. Suave: “Oh, oh. This could be it.” Justice reaches towards Halitosis. Gary Busey suddenly reappears and runs in between Justice and Halitosis, clipping Justice’s arm and… *ZAPPPP*…causing him to hit Ruff with the taser instead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Justice immediately takes off after Busey. In the confusion, Halitosis covers Ruff. The referee wakes up and starts the count. 1…2…3…

WINNER: ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS


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