Monday, January 21, 2008

1/20-BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction PPV


Johnny Suave: Good evening to tonights BCEW pay per view event- BCEW Weapons of Mass Destruction. Let’s quickly run down tonight’s card:

Peta from PETA of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. Daisy Cutter-Bomb of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (American Patriots)

A huge grudge match between bitter rivals: MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann (Progressive Alliance) vs. Fox News’s No Spin Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly in an extreme death match

Big Oil w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney (American Patriots) vs. Mike the Mechanic w/Sheila the secretary and Mike Huckabee. Both men try to settle an old score once and for all.

Triple R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)

BCEW Tag Team Champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini (Independent) defend their title against the Green World Order- Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA.

BCEW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance) vs. former champion “Media Empress” Opal Winfree w/Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, and Barack Obama.

Finally, the big one. BCEW World Champion “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) defends against the former ‘Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes w/ ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain

Suave: Tonight, we’ll also be celebrating the upcoming release of the new novel by J.D. Elder, Loose Cannons and Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. The group that’s about to perform is featured in the novel. Here are the Black Swamp Pirates and their big song, “American Elitist!”

The lead guitarist strums the mandolin intro of “American Elitist.” Then lead singer Junior Jackson takes the mic:

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

The band kicks in a hard drivin’ country beat.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

Everyone inside the barn claps.

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

Most of the crowd repeats the ‘kiss my ass’ line at the end of the song.

From the Ol’ Man Hanson’s Barn, Chelsea, MI. Johnny Suave announcing

A thunderous ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ echos through the barn as Johnny Suave and a life-size cardboard cut-out of road-racer Danica Patrick hit the ring.


The crowd noise increases even more

Suave: We are live at Ol’ Man Hanson’s Barn for tonight’s pay per view. I’m Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard is Danica Patrick. All right, let’s get to the first match. Peta from PETA and Daisy Cutter-Bomb have knocked heads repeatedly the past couple weeks. Let’s look back…

The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman) rush out to help GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and quadruple team A-Bomb and N-Bomb. Ron Paul comes to their rescue but the Bloggers fight him off. Politically Incorrect (Nic Koteen and Al Cahall) comes in to help the New Libertarian Army even the odds. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hops out of the ring to help but gets blindsided by a revived Peta from PETA. Peta then jumps on Daisy’s back and knocks her out with chloroform. Taking it even further to the extreme, Peta handcuffs Daisy wrists around the turnbuckle and starts to whack away at her back with a Singapore cane. PeaceNick, of course, is horrified and begins to protest.

Suave: Daisy would get some measure of revenge in New Hampshire the next week…

Peta cowers in the corner and tries to escape. Daisy pulls her back in and suplexes her. Daisy stalks Peta. Peta makes an attempt at offense on Daisy. Unfortunately, she’s not a wrestler. Then Peta calls for help. It’s not forthcoming. Daisy hits the ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb’ for the quick win.After the match, Daisy handcuffs Peta to the ring post and prepares to return the favor. The rest of the Green World Order immediately run out and take the cane away. Peta is uncuffed. GreenPete holds Daisy and Peta slaps her face. Daisy is again handcuffed to the ring post and this brings out Ron Paul and his New Libertarian Army.


PETA from PETA of the Green World Order w/ ‘Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, and PeaceNick (Progressive Alliance)
DAISY CUTTER-BOMB of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army w/ A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)
Peta doesn’t want to come out of the corner. The second the bell rings, Daisy charges across the ring. Peta quickly ducks out of the ring and hides behind Lee and GreenPete. The ref starts to count and PeaceNick jumps on the ring apron and complains. The ref reaches eight and Peta reluctantly gets back into the ring. PeaceNick tries to broker a peaceful resolution of Peta and Daisy’s dispute which quickly goes nowhere. Peta runs around the ring. She trips in the corner and Daisy traps her. Peta begs for mercy. Daisy isn’t feeling merciful. She pulls Peta up by her hair and hits a suplex. Daisy quick puts Peta in the tree of woe and N-Bomb throws her a chair to put in front of her face. Baseball slide by Daisy into the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Peta topples off the turnbuckle. GreenPete jumps on the apron and starts jawing w/Daisy. For good measure, Daisy gives Peta her patented ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb.’ Suave: “Daisy goes for the cover. One. Two. GREENPETE AND BROCK COLE LEE PULL THE REF AWAY!” The ref gets in GreenPete’s grill. A-Bomb and H-Bomb attack Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete in the ring and in the process wipe out the referee as well. All hell breaks loose.

A-Bomb heaves the Vegan over the top rope. Then he throws Lee over the barricade and they take the fight into the stands. Peta low-blows H-Bomb from behind and GreenPete takes advantage by waffling him with a chair. GreenPete beats down H-Bomb. N-Bomb tries to help but Peta low-blows him as well. Daisy gets her hands on Peta again and whips her into the ropes. Big boot by Daisy levels Peta. Daisy covers again- no referee. GreenPete yells at PeaceNick to set up a table. PeaceNick refuses because it’s too violent. GreenPete throws H-Bomb out of the ring onto the floor. Daisy then jumps on GreenPete’s back and slaps a sleeper hold on him. GreenPete stumbles back into the corner and squashes Daisy into the turnbuckle. PeaceNick then sticks a chloroform covered cloth in her face and knocks her out. GreenPete drags Peta on top of Daisy but there’s still no referee. N-Bomb tries to intervene again but GreenPete hits a running atomic drop and then puts him in the cross-face chicken wing.

In the stands, A-Bomb and Brock Cole Lee battle in the loft. They trade blows. A-Bomb gets the advantage and then hits a running shoulder block on Lee and flings both men over the edge of the loft twenty feet down into a bunch of boxes by the kitchen. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Both A-Bomb and Lee lie in the middle of the boxes and paramedics immediately rush to assist. In the ring, PeaceNick revives the referee. Suave: “Daisy is still out cold! One…two…THREE!”

WINNER: Peta from PETA

After the match, H-Bomb explodes. He pulls PeaceNick off the ring apron and slams him to the floor. Then he lifts him up and Hydrogen Power Bomb him through the bell table. GreenPete hops out of the ring. H-Bomb grabs the ring bell and smacks GreenPete flush in the kisser with it. Suave: “HE’S SNAPPED! H-BOMB HAS JUST GONE OFF!.......oh, crap, I’m getting out of here!” H-Bomb lifts GreenPete and Hydrogen Power Bombs him through Suave’s announcer table.

Suave: Security is trying to get H-Bomb away so the paramedics can look at GreenPete and PeaceNick, too. Lee and GreenPete are supposed to meet the Drunken Luchadors tonight for the BCEW Tag Team titles, but I don’t know if they’ll be in any shape after what happened.

The paramedics stretcher A-Bomb, GreenPete, Brock Cole Lee, and PeaceNick out of the barn.

Suave: All right, our next match is an extreme grudge death match. No introduction necessary for these two because everyone knows they both don’t care for the other. Let’s go to the ring…


MSNBC’s KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance)
Fox News’s BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots)

At the bell, Olbermann immediately rushs across the ring and starts brawling with O’Reilly. Olbermann lands a stiff shot. O’Reilly responded with one of his own. Back and forth around the ring, both men flail away at each other before Olbermann kicks O’Reilly in the stomach and then tosses him over the top rope out of the ring. Olbermann follows and they began brawling outside the ring. O’Reilly grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Olbermann. He ducks in time and the chair clanks off the ring post. Suave: “Wow! The chair bent halfway around the ring post!” Olbermann kicks the Fox News commentator and then sets him up for a suplex on the floor. Suave: “Can he get him up?...YES! Olbermann goes for the early cover…NO! Two count.” Olbermann picks up the bent chair and waffles O’Reilly over the head sending him sprawling back down. He grabs a microphone cord lying on the ground and wraps it around O’Reilly’s neck. Olbermann releases the cord and his opponent flops face first down to the floor.

Out of the blue, O’Reilly connects with a mule kick to the groin. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Olbermann fell and hit his head on the steel barricade.” Chair shot by O’Reilly. He drags Olbermann to the edge of the stage and someone hands him a political placard. O’Reilly wound up and pasted Olbermann over the head with the placard. Then someone hands him a political sign on a wooden stick. The Fox News star snaps it half over his opponent’s head. Adding insult to injury, O’Reilly takes the jagged edge of the broken stick and rakes it across Olbermann’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP. Olbermann’s busted wide open!” Crowd: “BCEW...BCEW!” Suave: “CHEESE GRATER! OLBERMANN JUST RAKED O’REILLY ACROSS THE FOREHEAD WITH A CHEESE GRATER!” A pizza pan just happened to land on stage near O’Reilly. He grabs the pan and bends it in half over Olbermann’s head. Olbermann finds a CD case someone threw on stage and smashes it in O’Really’s face, opening up several small nicks and cuts. Then, O’Really takes a Leonard Cohen record from a man and breaks it over Olbermann’s head. Suave: “WHAT ACTION! THESE TWO SIMPLY DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER AND……HOLY CRAP! HERE COMES LOU DOBBS!”

CNN’s Lou Dobbs runs in with his new book, Independents Day, and starts pasting both men with it. Suave: “DOBBS IS USING HIS OWN BOOK TO TAKE OUT BOTH OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY!” Already physically sapped from destroying each other, Dobbs’s sneak attack leaves both men lying in their own blood on the floor. The referee counts Olbermann and O’Reilly out.

WINNER: Double count out.


Afterwards, author J.D. Elder runs down and applauds in approval. Dobbs and Elder celebrate in the ring. Then a quick run through the new novel, Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction complete with a picture of the cover.

Announcer: A dark cloud has covered American political landscape. The powerful forces of professional partisans, political operatives, and special interest groups have laid waste to the electoral system leaving a polarized and bitterly divided electorate in two extreme camps. The warring political factions continue to carpetbomb each other with heavy ideological artillery, barrage us with spin, lob verbal bombs, and sling mud and other stinging invectives back and forth, leaving the average person numb and tuned out to the political process.

How does an ordinary person sort this all out?

If you're DeWayne Cantrell, you put it in proper perspective- by equating politics as being on the same level as professional wrestling.

Co-owner with Bubba Jackson of the world's only political pro wrestling federation, Buckland County Extreme Wrestling, DeWayne, a reformed politician himself, skewers the political world on a weekly basis on the BCEW wrestling show. But a powerful United States Senator gets wind of what Cantrell is doing and sees him as a threat to his powerful position. DeWayne finds himself being subpoenaed to appear before a Senate sub-committee on the 'Media and Their Contribution to the Coarseness of the American Culture' and then realizes it's not a joke anymore.

Now, Cantrell throws his hat into the political ring into a real life three-way dance against the establishment of both political parties. Can DeWayne stand up for the little guy and stick it to the Washington D.C. elites? To what lengths will the professional politicians and their special interest groups go to stop him? Will American politics ever be the same?


Mike Huckabee cuts a quick promo about Mike the Mechanic. Huckabee says a lot of people have asked him why he supports Mike the Mechanic. Huckabee explains that he understands that many people have lost their jobs due to the economy. The way that Mike the Mechanic lost his job when Big Oil and Texas Tex bought out Mike the Mechanic’s shop, fired him, and made Mike’s secretary Sheila go to work for them. Huckabee: “I’d rather be the one who works with a Mike the Mechanic than the one who fired him.”

Texas Tex wheels a wheelbarrow full of cash to the ring, followed by Big Oil and Mitt Romney.

Suave: Yeah, these two have had bad blood ever since Texas Tex bought out Mike the Mechanic’s shop. Now, this feud adds Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris to the equation. It all started when Norris helped Mike the Mechanic win the big five way free for all in Iowa at BCEW ‘Drama in Des Moines.’ Then Texas Tex had the establishment bar Norris from interfering in any sort when BCEW went to New Hampshire for ‘Mayhem at Manchester.’ Norris didn’t interfere but Mike the Mechanic busted out some exquisite martial arts stuff and Texas Tex had the referee disqualify him anyways. Last week at BCEW Michigan Madness, Texas Tex used his money belt to whip Mike the Mechanic as he tried to get back into the ring. Norris sidekicked Tex and then used his money belt in whip him. Mike the Mechanic was DQ’d again.

George W’s spokeperson, Josh Bolten, comes out to the ring.

Josh Bolten: BCEW CEO George W sent me out tonight to make this announcement. George W recognizes that there’s a hotly contested battle right now to determine the next American Patriot nominee for BCEW CEO. In the interest of fairness and considering the events that took place at Mayhem at Manchester and Michigan Madness, George W has decreed that tonight’s grudge match between Big Oil and Mike the Mechanic will settle this issue once and for all. George W also has made this a no disqualification match and falls count anywhere in the building.

The crowd stands and cheers. Texas Tex is shocked.

Suave: There you have it! Tonight settles all bets. No DQ. Falls count anywhere.


BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney (American Patriots)
MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Sheila the secretary, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris

Big Oil comes out with clubbing right hands and tries to pound the mechanic through the ring floor. Mike sweeps the leg and then breaks out a barrage of martial arts moves learned from Chuck Norris, who nods approvingly. Texas Tex yells at the referee. Suave: “NO DQ TONIGHT, TEX!” Texas Tex glares back at Johnny Suave. So the tone of the match is set- Big Oil’s power moves vs. Mike the Mechanic’s quickness and newfound martial arts prowness. Huge lariat by Big Oil and then he dives from the top turnbuckle and splashes the mechanic. Irish whip by Big Oil and followed with the big boot to the mush. Mike the Mechanic ducks the second Irish whip and slides between Big Oil’s legs. Then he kicks the ever-living crap out of Big Oil’s knee. Big Oil to his knees; Mike the Mechanic hits a spinning heel kick that snaps Big Oil’s face to one side. Cover for two, the pinfall broken up when Texas Tex hits the ring with his money belt. Mike the Mechanic judo chops the hell out of Texas Tex and drives him to the corner. He takes the money belt away and wants to use it on Tex when Big Oil crawls over and low-blows him from behind. Mitt Romney climbs up on the turnbuckle and clotheslines the mechanic from the top.

Huckabee jumps in and shoves Romney. Sheila races over and clubs Texas Tex with her purse. Big Oil pushes Sheila out of the way and grabs Mike the Mechanic by the throat. He chokeslams him and goes for the cover. This time, Huckabee kicks at Big Oil at breaks the count. Furious, Big Oil backs Huckabee into a corner and then gets his head taken off by a jumping kick by Chuck Norris. Texas Tex screams at the referee. Suave: “TEX! IT’S NO DQ!” Again, Texas Tex scowls at Suave. Romney grabs the money belt and leaps on Norris’s back to try and choke him out. Bad idea. Norris flips Romney over his head and he lands hard on his back. Huckabee then drags Romney out of the ring. In the meantime, Sheila pushes Mike the Mechanic over to where Big Oil lies. Referee covers. One…two… Texas Tex swoops in and pulls the referee off. Sheila picks up the money belt and swings it, catching Tex flush in the face. Mike the Mechanic covers again. One…two…three.

WINNER: Mike the Mechanic w/Sheila the secretary, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris

There’s a celebration in the ring. Texas Tex grabs his money belt and rolls out of the ring. Suave: “A HUGE WIN FOR ‘EVERYMAN’ MIKE THE MECHANIC! HE- OWWW!” Texas Tex attacks Johnny Suave with the belt and busts him open. Tex pulls Suave off his chair and continues to assault him. Big Oil picks Suave up and power bombs him through the announcer’s table. Security comes down and finally drags Tex and Big Oil to the back. BCEW owner Bubba Jackson comes down and helps Suave to the back. Former plant worker Earl Fletcher then comes down and takes over the broadcast play by play. Fletcher also just happens to appear in the novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction.


Chuck Norris reaches the backstage area where he runs into John McCain. McCain offers his hand and they shake.

John McCain: Congratulations, Chuck.

Chuck Norris: Thank you.

McCain: That’s a great win. I hope we’re as lucky to prevail tonight.

Norris: Best of luck, Senator McCain. I…well…I just don’t see you guys getting over tonight.

McCain: Oh? Why’s that?

Norris: Well. No offense, Senator. But…you’re too old to have the same impact in the match that Mike Huckabee did in helping Mike the Mechanic win tonight.

McCain: Oh. I see.

Norris: Well. Good luck anyways.

Earl Fletcher: Hey y’all. Interesting conversation, there. Y’all ever drive down the road and pretended you had a laser mounted to the front that shot birds out of the air as they flew by? No? Oh. Well, here’s the next match…


TRIPLE R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance)
‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Fletcher: “It says here this, here, is Chris Escondido’s first pay per view match in over a year.” Triple R barges to the ring, knocking people out of his way. Inside the ring, both Triple R and Escondido stand nose to nose and jaw back and forth. Triple R shoves Escondido and we’re off again. A quick lock up, Triple R pushes to the corner and the ref calls for a break as Escondido grabs the ropes. Escondido scores a takedown and follows with some work on the mat. Triple R gets pissed off and escapes to the floor. Back in, Triple R spits on Escondido who responds with an arm drag. Escondido works the arm and Triple R whirls around to break the hold. Fletcher: “My notes say, Triple R is doing well not to lose his temper so far. It seems like when he loses his cool, his ‘dark side’ comes out. Speaking of ‘dark side,’ ever walked into a store and pretended you were Darth Vader using the force to open up the automatic door? No? Oh. Never mind.”

Side headlock by Escondido, shoulder run from the ropes and Triple R evades him. Escondido still seems a little rusty from the long layoff. Headlock takedown by Escondido and Triple R starts to get frustrated. Triple R strong back to his feet and then eats a head scissors. Escondido slaps on the figure four leg lock and Arianna immediately jumps on the ring apron calls for reinforcements. Triple R tries to escape, Escondido has it cinched in good. To the ring comes the Angry Left Wing Bloggers- Media Matters for America, Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, and NY Times columnist Paul Krugman. Knee strike by Media Matters undoes the figure 4. Chops by Daily Kos. Escondido is whipped off the ropes and into a dropkick by Alterman. Krugman adds another dropkick and then Media Matters comes off of the top turnbuckle with a double ax smash.

Politically Incorrect, Al Cahall and Nic Koteen, run out to try and even the odds. Koteen rakes Krugman’s back and hits a reverse neckbreaker. But Media Matters chops Koteen from behind. Al Cahall hits the slingshot senton on Daily Kos but eats an elbow drop from Alterman. Triple R kicks away at Escondido’s surgically repaired knee. Fletcher: “It says here that Escondido’s knee isn’t in the greatest of shape. Triple R could possibly put him out for good if he continues what he’s doing.” The crowd rises and roars when the BCEW Tag Team champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini, both wielding their bottles of Jack Daniels, run…scratch that…stagger out to help. Dan Martini somehow manages to get into the ring and bumps into Triple R. Triple R then pushes down the Drunken Luchador. Daily Kos swings at Don Martini. Don stumbles enough that Kos misses him completely and clocks Eric Alterman by mistake. Kos apologizes and then Don smashes his Jack Daniels bottle over Kos’s head. Kos over and out. Triple R tries to put Dan Martini in the figure four but Dan takes a huge swig of his bottle of Jack Daniels and spews it in Triple R’s eyes. Fletcher: “You know, it’s a damn shame to waste a perfectly good liquor like that.”

Escondido manages to pull himself to his feet. He pulls Triple R back and slaps a sleeper hold on him. Arianna Huffington jumps in the ring and blows powder into Escondido’s eyes. Triple R pivots and decks Escondido and reapplies the figure four. Blinded, Escondido has no choice but to tap out. The referee calls for the bell.

WINNER: Triple R

Triple R refuses to release the hold. Drunken Luchador Dan wanders over and tries to smash his Jack Daniels bottle over Triple R’s head. Media Matters blasts Dan Martini from behind and the bottle doinks off Triple R’s head. Triple R then releases the hold on Escondido and goes after Dan Martini. Arianna throws in a chair and Triple R swings away at the Drunken Luchador. Don Martini is passed out in the corner and Krugman pulls him out of the ring. The rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers assault Dan Martini in the ring. Escondido somehow pulls himself up again and takes the chair away from Triple R. Escondido whacks Triple R with the chair and sends him reeling across the ring. Escondido limps over and takes out Media Matters, Alterman, and then Daily Kos. Triple R, blinded with rage, runs for Escondido. Escondido swings the chair like a baseball bat and nearly takes Triple R’s head off with the chair. Luckily, Triple R ducks in time. Then the very busy BCEW security again comes to the ring to clean up the aftermath of the brawl.


BCEW owner Bubba Jackson comes to the ring.

Bubba Jackson: Well? It looks like the BCEW Tag Team match tonight isn’t going to happen. It looks like due to events that has taken place here tonight, neither the Green World Order or the Drunken Luchadors are able to wrestle tonight. So in their place, we have a treat for you.

Johnny Suave’s voice: HOLY CRAP!

The BCEW crowd gave a standing ovation to Suave, bandaged up from Texas Tex’s assault, as he returns to the broadcast position.

Suave: It’s an old school BCEW showdown.

The Dixie Chucks- Chuck-atalie, Chuck-artie, and Chuck-mily come out.

Suave: And this match takes place in Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, too.

Chuck-artie points to the audience: I’m putting each and every one of you here in BCEW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, ANYONE who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.

Chuck-atalie : That’s right. From this point forward if you say something bad about the Dixie Chicks, the Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR-

The opening riffs of the Toby Keith hit “How Do You Like Me Now?” cut off the rest of his remarks. The crowd roarsas Earl Locke and Gary Loade, aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade, appear on the side of the stage. Both men wear matching blue and gray vests with ‘Raving Rednecks’ on the back and red bandanas on their heads. Locke held up high a huge picture of country star Toby Keith and taunts the Dixie Chucks by waving it in their face.


Earl Loade: That’s right! The BIG DOGS are here! Y’all know what it’s time for?


Loade: That’s right! It’s time to lock and load baby, lock and load!


The Dixie Chucks- CHUCK-ATALIE and CHUCK-ARTIE w/Chuck-mily (Progressive Alliance)
“The Raving Rednecks” LOCKE and LOADE (American Patriots)

The Dixie Chucks immediately raced across and attacked Locke and Loade. Locke and Chuck-artie exchange heavy blows on one side and Chuck-atalie and Chuck-mily cleans Loade’s clock on the other side. The match quickly degenerates into an all out free-for-all with no structure whatsoever. Five people beating the living crap out of each other. Locke and Loade appear to have the momentum on their side after they unceremoniously dump Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-mily then falls prey to some good double team work by Locke and Loade and he, too, found himself outside the ring. With two members of the Dixie Chucks out of the way, Locke and Loade lined up Chuck-artie for their patented finishing move- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Suave: “They’ve got him set up.”

*YEEEEE-AAHHHHH!* Suave: “IT’S THE AMERICAN SCREAMER, HOWARD DEAN!” Caught totally off guard by Dean’s sudden appearance, Locke and Loade nearly drop Chuck-artie on his head. Loade stomps over and shouts at Dean, “YOU DON’T BELONG OUT HERE!” Locke jumps over the top rope and proceeds to chase the “American Screamer” around the ring. Dean plays keep away long enough for one of the Dixie Chucks on the outside to get in position to attack the Raving Redneck. Locke walks right into a Chuck-mily clothesline and falls on his back with a splat. Chuck-atalie leaps from the top of the turnbuckle and body splashes Locke on the floor outside the ring. Deane then turns his attention to Loade. Dean: “YEEEEE-AAHHHHH!” Dean provokes the Raving Redneck to the point where Loade swipes back at him but gets restrained by the ring ropes. Unfortunately for Loade, his intense focus on Deane meant that he totally forgot about Chuck-atalie. The Dixie Chuck sneaks back into the ring unnoticed and to make matters worse for the Raving Redneck, Chuck-atalie swipes the Toby Keith picture from Locke and Loade’s corner. The crowd, sensing that Loade had no clue what was going on behind him, stood up as Chuck-atalie raises the picture up in the air with two hands and slides in behind the distracted Raving Redneck. He smiles, pauses for dramatic effect, and then blastes Loade over the head with the picture. “HOLY @#$#!” the audience roared as Loade’s head went right through the picture. He stayed on his feet for a couple seconds and then collapsed in the middle of the ring. Chuck-atalie quickly covered and the referee counted out for the pin for the Dixie Chucks.

WINNER: The Dixie Chucks


Suave: All right, the Black Swamp Pirates are back with another song…

Junior Jackson, the lead singer: Here’s a song on the Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction novel. This is a tune about the sorry state of popular country radio…

Polished to a sheen, produced really tight
With nary a fiddle or steel guitar in sight.
And if it is, you’ll never know it’s there
Cause it’s buried far down below
It’s the warmed over pop crap on my country radio.

The suits in Music City, work on their ‘next big thing’
And the Nashville machine cranks out the songs that they sing
But you don’t need a gimmick
Just a guitar and pencil to hold
To write songs instead of the pop crap on country radio

Now down in Texas, they still do it right
Play some ol’ time country music every Saturday night
I don’t see Rascal Flatts
Playing Gruene Hall Texas
Or John T. Floores Country Store
Cause it’s better than listening to that warmed over pop crap on my country radio.
Why am I hearing that warmed over pop crap on my country radio?

Now, all the music sounds the same, and the artists do too
And thanks to corporate conglomerates, all the radio stations sound the same too.
I hear the same voices in each town
Play the same song every day
From New York City all the way out to LA.

Now down in Texas, they still do it right
Play some ol’ time country music every Saturday night
I don’t see Tim and Faith
Playing the Broken Spoke in Austin
Or Cowboy’s Dance Hall, you know
Cause it’s better than listening to that warmed over pop crap on my country radio
Why am I hearing that warmed over pop crap on my country radio?

When does CMT play videos, except in the middle of the night?
Since then did the country video channel become MTV lite?
I remember when Alan Jackson
Said it best about Music Row
And warmed over pop crap all over country radio

Now down in Texas, they still do it right
Play some ol’ time country music every Saturday night
I don’t see Kenny Chesney
Playing Schroeder Dance Hall
Or Billy Bob’s Texas, you know
Cause it’s better than listening to that warmed over pop crap on my country radio
Why am I hearing that warmed over pop crap on my country radio?
But why am I hearing that warmed over pop crap on my country radio?
Why am I hearing that warmed over pop crap on my country radio?

Suave: Now, let’s get down to business. Over the past couple weeks, the Hillary-Obama feud has escalated into a full blown war. It all started at BCEW Christmas Extravaganza…

REPLAY- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/ Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville, Terry McAuliffe VS. BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN w/John Edwards VS. OPAL WINFREE w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy
Soccer Mom catches KRC with a back suplex from the apron to the floor and Opal covers for 2. Streisand kicks Opal and they fight to the ramp. The referee follows and this time allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to get a few cheap shots in on Collins. Carville and McAuliffe get involved. Barack grabs a chair and takes out the political pitbulls. Opal hits the spinning heel kick on Streisand and doubles back to cover KRC for 2. Collins blocks the brainbuster and hits an atomic drop on the ramp for 2. Hillary waves for help and out comes Sidney Blumenthal holding a ladder but Barack hits him with a superkick. The distraction allows Opal to DDT KRC on the floor. Ref counts. Match over.

Suave: …then at Iowa- Drama in Des Moines…

Barack and Edwards get the upper hand on the Pitbulls and then out of the blue, to everyone’s shock, Bill Clinton runs out. Clinton and McAuliffe double team Edwards near a corner turnbuckle. KRC, after beating down the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, Tessa Martin, climbs up on the turnbuckle and prepares to jump and put Opal through a table outside the ring. Clinton throws himself against the ropes and slingshots himself across the ring to send Edwards out. Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson race to the ring and pull Edwards out of the way. Clinton hits the turnbuckle and causes KRC to lose her balance and crotch herself on the ropes. She falls backwards with her legs draped over the top tying herself in the tree of woe. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson attack all three Political Pitbulls. Tessa Martin grabs a steel-folding chair and skateboards it into KRC’s face in the corner. KRC topples over and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl eliminates her.

Both Bill and Hillary are in shock. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson brawl with Political Pitbulls Carville, McAuliffe, and Blumenthal back up the ramp. Soccer Mom gets back in the ring and shouts ‘It’s for the children’ as she takes a chair and nails Tessa Martin with it. Opal revives and wins the match.

Suave: …and then in New Hampshire- Mayhem at Manchester. This took place…

The ref takes a bump when Opal accidentally squashes him in the corner. Hillary slips Collins something. KRC turns and hits Opal with a chain. KRC covers. No referee. Hillary goes to the back to find someone. Next, KRC pulls out a metal object and belts Opal with it. She’s out. No referee. Carville and McAuliffe have Opal’s Flock under control. Barack can’t get by Blumenthal. Hillary drags another referee out. KRC covers. One. Two. Three. And we have a new BCEW Women’s champion.

All Barack can do is look on in shock as KRC, Hillary, and her Political Pitbulls celebrate.

Suave: Obama came out at Michigan Madness and admitted he’d been outfoxed by Hillary Clinton. Obama promised to bring his campaign of hope to tonight’s BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. Now, can Obama help ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree regain the title tonight?


Champion KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/Hillary Clinton (HRC) and the Clinton Political Pitbulls, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Former champion “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE w/Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, and Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Collins and Winfree lock up. Collins switches and gets behind Winfree. Takedown by KRC. Winfree powers out and there’s a stand off. Modified surfboard by KRC and a quick two count. Winfree chops at Collins and backs her up. KRC climbs the rope and hits a DDT. KRC covers for two. Suave: “KRC seems to be gaining more and more confidence!” KRC goes on top again for a top rope Frankensteiner. This time, Soccer Mom, yelling “WE MUST DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!” pushes KRC from behind and sends her toppling down. Winfree executes two consecutive powerbombs. Then she climbs to the top rope for a splash and Carville runs in and hits her with a steel-folding chair. Clinton slid in a table and Carville and McAuliffe set it up. KRC picks Opal up by the hair and flings her face down onto the table. Then KRC again climbs the top rope, this time protected by Carville and McAuliffe. Soccer Mom runs in and pushes Opal off the table. Unfortunately, KRC crushes Soccer Mom through the table instead.

Crowd: “BCEW…BCEW…BCEW!” New Age Sensitive Guy is, of course, distraught and checks on Soccer Mom. KRC pulls up Opal but the Media Empress dumps her back over her head. Carville then clotheslines Opal and then turns and collars New Age Sensitive Guy. Carville’s too close to the ring ropes and Barack Obama grabs his feet and takes his legs out from under him. Obama drags him from the ring. McAuliffe runs around the ring and leaps at Barack. Obama moves and McAuliffe catches Carville and sends them both crashing into the barricade. Back in the ring, suplex by KRC followed by a flatliner. KRC hits a tilt a whirl back breaker. Suave: “Opal’s in trouble.” Springboard kick by KRC and then she sets up for her finisher- the PPD (Personal Political Destruction). KRC gets Opal up and hits the twisting suplex maneuver and goes for the cover. Hillary bangs her hand on the ring canvas. One…two…three… Suave: “What’s going on? It appears the referee is having a talk with Barack Obama and missed the count!” Hillary is furious and bangs even harder on the ring. KRC goes over and shoves the referee from behind. And then Bill Clinton hops into the ring and lights into the referee. Opal crawls over and rolls KRC up from behind. Obama shouts at the ref. The ref turns and sees the roll-up. One…two…three.



Hillary and Bill Clinton are in shock.


Bill Clinton stomps by Suave’s table.

Clinton: What just happened there?

Suave: Excuse me?

Clinton: You guys are carrying Obama’s water for him. You can’t have it both ways! You point out our transgressions but you won’t do the same for Obama! You’re giving him an easier ride!

Clinton then flips over Suave’s announcer’s table and stomps off.

Suave: So, how many tables is that tonight? Three? I don’t know. And speaking of angry, here comes Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay. I wonder what the hell they want?

Limbaugh and DeLay enter the ring and get booed.

Rush Limbaugh: I’m here to underscore again the danger of John McCain and Mike Huckabee, If either of these two become the nominee for BCEW CEO, it’s going to destroy the American Patriots. It’ll change…and not for our benefit…er…I mean, for the worst.

More boos.

Tom DeLay: McCain has done more to hurt the American Patriots than anyone else I know of. He’s not a true conservative! People can’t support him.

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop’ blares over the loudspeaker*

Suave: YES! It’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT! We all remember what happened last week…

WTF grabs DeLay by the throat the chokeslams him to the canvas.
Then WTF lifts DeLay up and climbs the corner turnbuckle. The crowd noise increases when WTF reaches the top and puts DeLay in the power bomb position. Then he launches himself and blasts DeLay through all three tables.

DeLay and Limbaugh immediately high tail it from the ring and escape through the crowd.

Suave: Smart move.


Champion “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance)
Former ‘Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES w/ ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain (American Patriots)

Suave: “Here’s our main event. Is it Starz N. Stripes time? Or will Justin Sufferable hang on to the title?” The bell rings and we’re off. Starz shoulderblocks Sufferable down and then paintbrushes the back of his head. Sufferable reverses with a running elbow followed by pair of back breakers. Sufferable goes for a Spicolli driver but Starz backdrops him instead. Quick chain mat wrestling sequence follows and the crowd expressed their appreciation. Both Sufferable and Starz nod at each other. Lock up. Power by Starz drives Sufferable back against the ropes. Irish whip all the way across the ring by Starz. Sufferable evades the lariat and counters with an atomic drop. Quick roll up from behind gets Sufferable a one count. Sufferable hits a Half-Nelson backbreaker. Sufferable than whips out a Splash Mountain neckbreaker and covers again. Two count. Sufferable sets for a suplex but Starz surprises him with a jawbreaker lariat. Sufferable tries a sunset flip but Starz sits on him and gets out of it. The ref slips on something in one corner but keeps his feet.

Suave: “Good action so far!” The crowd agrees and chants, “BCEW…BCEW!” Both men circle each other warily. Lock up. Armdrag by Starz, reversed into an arm bar by Sufferable. Springboard Ace crusher by Sufferable and again gets a two count. Starz gets a surprise roll up and he gets a two count. Sufferable kicks out and springs back to his feet. Body slam by Starz. Elbow drop misses when Sufferable rolls away. Leg scissors by Sufferable but his attempt to modify it into a figure four meets with a swift kick to the mush by Starz. Starz lines up Sufferable in the corner, climbs up on the turnbuckle, and hits the 10 punch sequence. Sufferable slumps down to a sitting position. Starz retreats to the opposite corner and then goes for the big splash. Sufferable moves at the last possible moment and Starz crotches himself on the ringpost. Sufferable takes control with power slams. Bulldog in the middle of the ring and Starz looks ready to go. Sufferable lifts him up for a brainbuster. Drifting back into a corner, Sufferable suddenly loses his footing and Starz falls hard to the canvas. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS A BAD FALL FOR STARZ N. STRIPES! BUT…SUFFERABLE’S HURT. IT’S HIS KNEE…HIS SURGICALLY REPAIRED KNEE.”

The referee signals to the back. Sufferable grabs his knee and rolls back and forth in excruciating pain. Starz is groggy. He finally pulls himself up to a sitting position and realizes how much trouble Sufferable is in. Suave: “Does he go for the pin?” Starz tells the ref the match is over. The ref calls for the bell.

WINNER: STARZ N. STRIPES because Justin Sufferable can’t go on. The title remains with Sufferable.

Starz checks on Sufferable. Triple R suddenly hits the ring with a chair. Chairshot to Starz. Chairshot to the referee. Chairshot to Sufferable’s injured knee. Suave: “TRIPLE R IS TRYING TO END JUSTIN SUFFERABLE’S CAREER!” A second chairshot to the knee. Starz tries to get back and eats another chairshot. Triple R winds up again. This time, a second pair of hands stops him from delivering another chairshot to Sufferable. Suave: “IT’S JOHN McCAIN! McCAIN’S WRESTLING TRIPLE R FOR THE CHAIR!” McCain wrests the chair away and then blasts Triple R with a chairshot to the face. Triple R stumbles backwards through the ring ropes and out to the floor. Paramedics reach the ring and attend to Justin Sufferable.

Suave: “So, who said that McCain was too old? The champion may be seriously injured again. This will definitely have ramifications for the BCEW Title in the next few days. The BCEW Roadshow Across America tour starts again next Tuesday in Florida at Tallahassee Tussle and we’ll know a lot more about the status of the BCEW World champion Justin Sufferable by then.

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