Thursday, December 27, 2007

12/26 BCEW Christmas Extravaganza


BCEW TV announcer Johnny Suave: Last time on BCEW Extreme Political TV, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off through their respective wrestlers, Kathryn Randall Collins (Hillary) and the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal) with the Hollywood Left’s Music Diva Barbra Streisand and BCEW Women’s Champion Opal Winfree (Barack) and her flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy)…

Soccer Mom catches KRC with a back suplex from the apron to the floor and Opal covers for 2. Streisand kicks Opal and they fight to the ramp. The referee follows and this time allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to get a few cheap shots in on Collins. Carville and McAuliffe get involved. Barack grabs a chair and takes out the political pitbulls. Opal hits the spinning heel kick on Streisand and doubles back to cover KRC for 2. Collins blocks the brainbuster and hits an atomic drop on the ramp for 2. Hillary waves for help and out comes Sidney Blumenthal holding a ladder but Barack hits him with a superkick. The distraction allows Opal to DDT KRC on the floor. Ref counts. Match over.

Suave: Big Oil and Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots were supposed to settle just who would face BCEW champion Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction in January. But, things didn’t quite work out that way…

…Texas Tex sets up a table on the outside. Big Oil superplexes Starz through the table! Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BIG OIL COVERS ONE, TWO, THR…NO! IT’S MIKE THE MECHANIC! HE BROKE UP THE COUNT!”

Big Oil can’t believe it. Suave: “Everyman, Mike the Mechanic stops the count and a certain win by Big Oil. He’s still upset over Big Oil and Texas Tex buying out his body shop, closing it down, and stealing his secretary, Sheila.” Enraged, Big Oil lifts Mike the Mechanic up by the throat and chokeslams him to the floor. The crowd boos. Big Oil sticks his big boot on Mike’s throat and chokes him. Sheila screams at Big Oil to stop. Texas Tex laughs and restrains her. Suave: “Someone stop him! Anyone…JOHN McCAIN HAS A STEEL-FOLDING CHAIR!” *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Suave: ‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic thwarted Big Oil and John McCain makes a big splash. Big Oil’s manager, Texas Tex, was not pleased.

Texas Tex: It doesn’t matter. John McCain. You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW CEO. You’ve pissed off too many influential and wealthy people in power with your ‘straight-talk.’ Starz N. Stripes? You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW champion. Big Oil squashed you like a bug tonight. He deserves the title shot and I demand that he’s given the title shot.

Rev. Robertson, one half of the pious pair- the God Squad, comes out with ‘America’s Mayor’ Rudy Giuliani.

Rev. Robertson: I don’t think so. My guy, Rudy Giuliani, is the most prepared to become the next BCEW CEO. And my faith makes me more deserving of a title shot against Justin Sufferable then the whole lot of you. I made a hurricane change course once. What do you think will happen when I get into the ring with Justin Sufferable?

Male voice: You’ll probably lose.

Suave: IT’S KIRK WALSTREIT! WALL STREET MARKET ANALYST WITH A HUGE MAN-CRUSH ON ESPN’S KIRK HERBSTREIT!

Walstreit: Yes, it is me, Kirk Walstreit, who should be wrestling for a chance for the BCEW title. And this guy agrees with me.

Suave: Huh?

Fred Thompson saunters out.

Suave: Hey, Fred’s awake today.

Walstreit: That’s right. Fred Thompson. He’s the common sense conservative we need.

Texas Tex throws a fit in the ring.

Texas Tex: All of you, have no chance. We have the money. We make the decisions. The next BCEW CEO will Mitt Romney! Deal with it, you peons. Deal with it you-

The crowd cheers.

Suave: Oh, oh. Now, what? CHUCK NORRIS!
Action star Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee come to the ring.

Suave: So tonight, Big Oil representing Mitt Romney, Starz N. Stripes with John McCain, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad for Rudy Giuliani, Kirk Walstreit with Fred Thompson, and a mystery wrestler who’ll be in Mike Huckabee’s corner, will all vy for a shot at the BCEW title. Merry Christmas everyone!
----------------

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- DEC. 25th
From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, Ohio. Johnny Suave announcing.

Crowd: BCEW…BCEW…BCEW

GINA RAMSEY SEGMENT
The manager of a festively decorated for Christmas, Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina Ramsey, stands in the ring and is dressed up in a bright red, off the shoulder, Santa outfit complete with a Santa hat, green fishnet hose, a mistletoe necklace, and red stiletto heels. Her belt is large, industrial sized red and green ribbon.

Crowd (genuflecting): WE’RE NOT WORTHY! (clap, clap. clap-clap-clap.) WE’RE NOT WORTHY!

Suave: Damn right, we’re not worthy. She is smoking hot tonight.

Gina: Merry Christmas, ya’ll! Welcome to BCEW’s Christmas Extravaganza right here at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Crowd cheers.

Gina: We’re all going to have a great time here tonight so sit back and-

*MUSIC- whale song over a Ritchie Havens song*

Suave: Aw…not tonight! Talk about having your Christmas spirit completely sucked out of you.

All four members of the Green World Order (GreenPete, Peta from PETA, PeaceNick, and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) with the extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher come out.

Brock Cole Lee: Enough! We told you last year and we’ll tell you again this year, Gina Ramsey. These Christmas decorations are offensive to those of us who are not Christians. I’m going to ask you nicely just once- please remove this offensive display immediately.

Gina: No. (She pauses as the crowd stands and cheer) So, you might as well turn right around and leave.

R Felcher holds up a piece of paper.

R Felcher: Thought you might say that. That’s why I went ahead and procured this injunction against you and this bar to protect the rights of those who are offended by religious displays such as this and who don’t want it shoved in their face. (Felcher pauses for the vociferous boos) I’ll give you five minutes to remove the offending Christmas decorations or else you’ll be in contempt of court.

Suave: This is ridiculous!

*“CAUTION! YOU’RE IN A NO-SPIN ZONE”*

Suave: What the hell?Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly comes out.

O’Reilly: I’m sick and tired of this war on Christmas you are waging!

R Felcher: What do you think you’re going to do about it? I’ve got this (waves the paper again).

O’Reilly: I’ve got this… (O’Reilly waves to the back and Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall come out)… We’re not going to take your assault on Christmas lying down.

R Felcher: Oh yeah? Not only do I have this piece of paper that says that you will cease and desist, I’ve got the man who’s viewership has doubled over the year on my side (Felcher waves to the back) Come on out, Keith.

Keith Olbermann, O’Reilly’s arch-enemy, comes out.

O’Reilly: So? Olbermann still only has a third of my audience.

R Felcher: What’s it going to be, Miss Ramsey? Are you going to do the right thing? Or will I have to have you thrown in jail?

Gina: Mr. Felcher. You’ll have to get through me to pry these Christmas decorations off these walls in my bar.

R Felcher: We’ll actually…no, I won’t.

*SIRENS* Rough Justice D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice, come out.

Suave: No! Wait a damn minute!

Peta from PETA jumps Gina and wraps a garland around her neck. Rough Justice runs to the ring. Everyone runs towards the ring.

MATCH #1 POLITICALLY INCORRECT-Nic Koteen and Al Cahall (Independent) and ‘NO-SPIN FACTOR’ BILL O’REILLY of Fox News (American Patriots) VS. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee) and KEITH OLBERMANN of MSNBC (Progressive Alliance)
Nic Koteen brings a toy box full of weapons to the ring. Al Cahall and GreenPete start in the ring. Peta continues to choke Gina with the garland. She falls to the canvas allowing Rough Justice to pull her out of the ring. O’Reilly and Olbermann brawl on the outside and Koteen opens the toy box. In the ring, GreenPete takes control with an elbow drop and a dropkick. Cahall hits a reverse DDT on GreenPete. Koteen grabs some lights out of the toy box and wraps a strand around Brock Cole Lee’s neck. Kick by Cahall. Rough Justice handcuffs and shackles Gina and start to drag her from the ring area.

*Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop” over the loudspeakers*

Suave: “YES! It’s Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!” WTF runs down and double clotheslines Rough Justice. He empties out the toy box and dumps the box over Ruff’s head. Then WTF picks up a chair and crushes it over the table. Justice tries to get a cheap shot in but WTF grabs him by the throat and chokeslams him through the bellkeeper’s table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Koteen puts the remnants of the toy box over Brock Cole Lee’s head and DDT’s him on top of Justice. Koteen wraps his fist full of Christmas lights and dives on top of Lee, crushing the glass lights in his forehead. GreenPete slingshots himself out of the ring and lands on Koteen. GreenPete tries to free Brock Cole Lee. Cahall climbs the top turnbuckle and leaps down on GreenPete. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot unlocks Gina’s handcuffs and shackles and she immediately goes after Peta from PETA. WTF chases extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher to the back. O’Reilly and Olbermann continue to fight on the outside. Olbermann slams O’Reilly against the wall and stuns him. GreenPete goes at Koteen. Gina catches Peta from PETA, puts her over her knee and spanks her. Peta: “THAT’S CORPORAL PUNISHMENT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! IT’S ILLEGAL!” Brock Cole Lee staggers back into the ring. Koteen and Cahall attack GreenPete, but Olbermann picks up a steel-folding chair and takes both of them out. Olbermann picks up Al Cahall and throws him back in the ring.

Suave: “This might do it! Brock Cole Lee covers. One. Two. NO! IT’S GINA RAMSEY! SHE KICKS LEE! SHE’S CHOKING HIM FROM BEHIND! HOLY CRAP!” Lee staggers backward and falls into the corner turnbuckle- squashing Gina in the process. Suave: “Whoa! Now, Olbermann moves to cover Cahall himself. BUT WAIT! HERE COMES CNN’s LOU DOBBS, who saw his nightly program increase by 10% to over 860,000 viewers this year, TO THE RING!” Dobbs blasts Olbermann from behind and tosses him out of the ring, leaving Brock Cole Lee lying on top of Gina Ramsey in one corner and Al Cahall lying flat in the middle of the ring.

Suave: “Who will get up first?” Peta from PETA hops in the ring and covers Cahall. Ref counts…one…two…Cahall somehow kicks out. Peta screams and then kicks Cahall in the balls. Suave: “OOOHHHHH!” Peta covers again and this time Nic Koteen flies across the ring and knocks her off. GreenPete then gets back in the ring and grabs an arm wrench on Koteen. GreenPete takes Koteen to the corner, reversal and chops by Koteen. Clothesline by Koteen. Leg drop by Koteen. Kick to the gut to Koteen followed by punches. Brock Cole Lee starts to pull himself up. GreenPete catapults Koteen towards Lee but Gina jumps on Vegan Lee’s back and chokes him again. Lee spins around wildly. Cahall pulls GreenPete and slings him through the ropes out of the ring. Gina holds on for dear life as Brock Cole Lee desperately tries to get her off of him. Suave: “She’s got it cinched in real good. Lee’s slowing down! WAIT! THAT’S A SLEEPER HOLD! SHE’S GOT HIM IN A SLEEPER!”

GreenPete climbs back in and gets caught in a drop toe hold by Cahall. Koteen then hits a cross body. Brock Cole Lee now down to his knees. Suave: “He’s fading fast!” Lee topples face first to the canvas. The referee lifts Lee’s arm up and it flops back to the ground. Suave: “One.” The ref lifts Lee’s up again. It goes back down. Suave: “Two!” GreenPete tries to get to Gina but Cahall holds on for dear life. The referee lifts Lee’s arm again. It plummets back down. The referee calls for the bell. Suave: “That’s it!”

WINNER: POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND BILL O’REILLY (with a little assist from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon bar manager Gina Ramsey)

Gina celebrates in the ring with Politically Incorrect and Christmas music plays. Everyone toasts each other and guzzles down some Christmas egg-nog.

Suave: I guess that means Christmas is saved for another year. Well, last time on BCEW, a monumental event took place- FUBAR actually won a match. It was after Coach Bobby Petrino offered to manage FUBAR and then left him for Dave “The Elk” Elkins for more money. Here’s what happened:

Elkins, with Coach Petrino coaching him in his corner, takes the early offensive against FUBAR. Elkins wins a ‘test of strength’ and then lands rights to FUBAR. He chokes out FUBAR who tries to fight back. Elkins with chops now, off the ropes and a spin kick gets a 2 count. Suave: “FUBAR must be motivated. That usually ends the match.” Elkins knees FUBAR and pushes him in the corner. He calls for his favorite golf club- the driver, from Coach Petrino but he’s not there. Elkins looks, Petrino is walking off with a suitcase full of cash and a new deal with Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson of Corporate World. Elkins looks in shock. Suave: “HE TOOK ANOTHER JOB? BIG SURPRISE!” Elkins leans over the ropes and asks ‘why?” FUBAR rolls him up from behind. One. Two. Three. FUBAR jumps up as if he’s not sure what just happened. The ref holds his arm up in victory.

Suave: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? HELL, YES!

Suave: So, congratulations to FUBAR for his early Christmas present. All right, it’s now time for our main event. Four of the five contestants are already in the ring. Here comes Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris.

MATCH #2 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex, Sheila the secretary, and Mitt Romney VS. STARZ N. STRIPES w/ John McCain, VS. KIRK WALSTREIT w/Fred Thompson VS. REV. ROBERTSON of the God Squad w/Rudy Giuliani VS. ???????? w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris
Huckabee takes the mic. Huckabee: “Since we all know that there’s no chin under Chuck Norris’s beard, just another fist. Since we all know that guns don’t kill people- Chuck Norris kills people. Since everyone knows that Chuck Norris’s chief export is pain. It would be unfair to let him participate in tonight’s match. That is why I have enlisted another supporter… Rev Falwell…Jr……come on out!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Rev. Falwell Jr. is also a member of the God Squad!” Rev. Falwell Jr. comes out. Rev. Robertson can’t believe it. Suave: “This could definitely be the end of the God Squad!”

The bell rings. Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell Jr. confront each other. Big Oil locks up with Starz N. Stripes and grabs the advantage. Reversal by Starz. Elbow to Starz by Kirk Walstreit and he pulls him over to his corner. Big Oil grabs Walstreit and throws him across the ring. Big Oil and Starz throws punches. Big Oil finally bounces Starz's head into the turnbuckle. Rev. Robertson sends Starz into the other corner. Rev Falwell Jr. goes after Big Oil and kicks him the gut. Bad idea. Big Oil picks him up and chokeslams Rev Falwell, Jr. Walstreit then drags Rev Falwell Jr. up and sets him up for his finisher- The Stock Market Plunge. Suave: “Walstreit lifting up Rev Falwell…WAIT! CHUCK NORRIS IS IN THE RING!” Norris pushes Walstreit and gets his attention. Walstreit turns around and Norris nails him with a spinning heel kick. Norris drags Rev Falwell Jr. on top of Walstreit. 1-2-3.

KIRK WALSTREIT ELIMINATED

Suave: “I thought Chuck Norris wasn’t going to interject himself into the match?” Mike Huckabee looks pleased. Fred Thompson? He looks asleep. He didn’t miss much. Big Oil dominates Rev Falwell Jr. and then gets an arm drag. Rev Falwell, Jr. rakes the eyes and tries to control with an arm wrench. Rev Robertson kicks at Big Oil from behind. Starz out of the ring and brings back a chair. *KA-BLAM* Down goes Rev Robertson. *KA-BLAM* Down goes Rev Falwell Jr. Starz goes for the trifecta on Big Oil but the big guys gives him the big boot to the gut. Big Oil takes the chair and waffles Starz with it. Big Oil covers but Starz somehow kicks out at 2. Big Oil with double elbows and calls for a table. Texas Tex slides in a table and Big Oil sets it up. Big Oil tries to lift Starz up to powerbomb him. Starz kicks and flails while Rev Robertson takes the chair and jams it in Big Oil’s knee causing it to buckle. Big Oil whips around and pushes Rev Robertson into Rev Falwell Jr. Suave: “Oh, oh.” Both members of the God Squad look at each other. Giuliani climbs on the apron and tells him to take Rev Falwell Jr. out. Rev Robertson waffles his fellow God Squad member with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! I DON’T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY DID IT! REV ROBERTSON COVERS! ONE…TWO… IT’S CHUCK NORRIS AGAIN!” Norris jumps in the ring, pulls Rev Robertson off, then connects with a spinning heel kick. Giuliani is furious and tries to get in the ring. Then he thinks better of it when Norris drags Rev Falwell Jr. over on top of Rev Robertson. 1-2-3.

REV ROBERTSON ELIMINATED

Rudy is still pissed off but heads for the back. Both Mitt Romney and John McCain look concerned. Mike Huckabee again looks very pleased. Suave: “Wow! Right now, Chuck Norris is the difference-…hold on. I just got word that something’s going on outside.”

OUTSIDE
In the back parking lot of Hack’s, Peta from PETA stands above an unconscious Gina Ramsey holding a wooden post for an artificial Christmas tree. Suave: “She’s been knocked out by the GWO!” Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete scoop Gina up and drag her away.

MATCH CONTINUED…
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IN A STUNNING DEVELOPMENT! WHILE WE WERE AWAY, BIG OIL WAS ELIMINATED!” A replay shows Big Oil taunting Chuck Norris. Norris climbs up on the announcer’s table and lunges at Big Oil, connecting with his chin with another spinning kick and knocking him out instantly. Starz N. Stripes covered.

BIG OIL ELIMINATED

Mitt Romney is distressed by the turn of events. Texas Tex gazes in the ring at Big Oil and doesn’t see ‘Everyman” Mike the Mechanic coming up from behind. Mike taps Texas Tex on the shoulder. Tex turns around and Mike socks him in the jaw, getting his revenge for losing his job and his secretary. Then Mike walks off with Sheila the secretary.

Suave: “Mike the Mechanic gets his girl back. Big Oil is out. We’re now down to just Rev Falwell Jr. and Starz N. Stripes!” Rev Falwell Jr tries to work on Starz N. Stripe’s arm. Starz sends the Rev shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Starz wrenches Rev Falwell Jr’s arm and sends him into the other corner. Starz hits a dropkick and John McCain cheers him on. Rev Falwell Jr reverses and slams Starz into the corner and Mike Huckabee shouts out encouragement. Rev Falwell Jr charges; Starz moves and the Rev smacks the corner turnbuckle hard. Starz then climbs up on the corner turnbuckle. Suave: “If Starz hits the big 450 Splash, he’ll win the match!” Chuck Norris starts to edge over and then a commotion breaks out in the back. Suave: “What now? HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!”

Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete drag a still dazed Gina Ramsey up the aisle. Peta from PETA has a microphone. Peta: “All right! We tried it the non-violent, legal way. Now we’re taking it to the extreme. I demand that all the Christmas decorations come down and come down now!”

Meanwhile, Starz hits the 450 Splash on Rev Falwell Jr. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Mike Huckabee shouts for Chuck Norris to intervene…except that Chuck’s not there. Suave: “WAIT! WHERE DID CHUCK NORRIS GO?.........OH…I KNOW…

Chuck Norris sidekicks Brock Cole Lee. Spinning jump kick to GreenPete. Spinning heel kick to PeaceNick. Huckabee can’t believe it. Peta can’t believe it. She turns tail and runs away. Norris helps Gina to the back. Huckabee holds his arms open as if to ask ‘why?’

In the ring, Starz covers. Huckabee climbs in the ring. John McCain grabs a chair and gets in the ring as well. Huckabee stays back. The referee counts to 3. Match over.

WINNER: STARZ N. STRIPES

Suave: What a match! What an ending! It’ll be Starz N. Stripes vs. Justin Sufferable for the BCEW title at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction! Merry Christmas everyone and we’ll see you next year!

------------------

Don’t forget our sister blog

www.screwthebcs.blogspot.com

Sunday, December 16, 2007

12/16- BCEW Extreme Political TV

Last time on BCEW Extreme Political TV:

BCEW CEO George W invited “Tree Huggin’, Mocha Chuggin’, Tobacco Company Buggin’, Insane Extreme Chair Swinging Alpha Male and Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon’ Al Gore to visit to commemorate Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize. BCEW’s investigative reporter, Woodward Bernstein interviewed them afterwards:

W and Gore come out after their ‘meeting’ is over. Gore is bleeding from the lip and W. is missing a tooth.

Bernstein: I hate to ask but, how’d the meeting go?
Gore: W and I had a pleasant exchange and worked out some old issues.
Bernstein: It looks like you both beat the crap out of each other.
Gore: “That’s true. Even though I got the better of the exchange, I think we can all put what happened in 2000 behind us.
W: What do you mean YOU got the better of the exchange?
Gore: I did. If it would have been a real fight, I would’ve won.
W: Oh, yeah. I don’t think so.
Gore: Oh yeah?
W: Yeah!
W locks up with Gore and both tumble to the ground and roll around.
Bernstein: Well, looks like we’ll need another recount here.

Texas Tech Basketball Coach Bob Knight and George W’s aide de camp, Dick, faced off in a skeet shooting match.
Part one:
Suave: This could be dangerous.
Dick wins the coin flip and will shoot first. Dick aims his shotgun at the target and then his heart starts acting up. Dick inadvertently squeezes the trigger and shoots one of the attendants.

Part two:
Suave: Well, it looks like they shocked Dick’s heart back into regular rhythm and they’ve taken the attendant to a local hospital. We’re about ready to get the skeet-shooting contest going again.
Dick loads his rifle, cocks it, and then aims. Then he turns and faces the camera, clutching his heart. The gun unloads and the screen fades to black.

Part three
Texas Tech basketball coach Bob Knight takes his turn.
Suave: Not a bullseye. But at least he’s on the board.
The crowd outside politely claps at an actual successful shot.
Someone in the crowd: THAT SUCKS!
Knight turns around.
Knight: What did you say?
Guy: THAT’S RIGHT. THAT SHOT SUCKED! YOU WEREN’T EVEN CLOSE TO THE-” *KA-BLAM*
Suave: HOLY CRAP! I don’t believe it. Coach Knight just shot at a spectator!

And Hillary Clinton dropped a major bombshell in her effort to become the next BCEW CEO:
Hillary takes the mic and climbs in the ring, effectively stopping the match between BCEW Women’s champion Opal Winfree and newcomer Kathryn Randall Collins.
Suave: What is Hillary Clinton doing?
Hillary puts her arm around Collins.
Hillary: Being a person of power, I have the ability to lift up those who are worthy. I am the one who brought Kathryn Randall Collins into BCEW. And speaking of ‘star’ power, I admit that Opal Winfree is a big star. But I can do one better.”
Out comes Barbra Streisand.
Suave: Oh, God. Not her.
The crowd boos.
Streisand: Shut up! You’re not allowed to look at me! I’m a star!
Plastic cups and trash fly into the ring.
Streisand: Hillary, tell the help to stop throwing things at me. And tell them to stop looking at me directly!
Crowd chant: You suck!
Streisand: Shut up!

----------------

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- DEC. 16th
From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, Ohio. Johnny Suave announcing.

Crowd: BCEW…BCEW…BCEW
Johnny Suave: Hello. We are live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon and tonight, a HUGE inter-American Patriot battle between Big Oil and Starz N. Stripes for a title shot against BCEW Champion Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. FUBAR is coming out here and…I don’t know why FUBAR is here right now…HOLY CRAP? Is that Coach Bobby Petrino with him?

FUBAR PROMO
Coach Petrino: I’ve come here to manage FUBAR and help him reach his full potential. I’m going to build him up into a legitimate contender with a lot of hard work and a fundamental change in his training program. When I’m done with him, FUBAR will no longer be an easy victory for anyone here in BCEW. I am in this for the long haul and will do everything it takes to push him to the top.

Suave: Okay…Coach Bobby Petrino has taken FUBAR, who has yet to record a victory here in BCEW, under his wing.

MATCH #1 BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘MEDIA EMPRESS’ OPAL WINFREE w/her Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL-COLLINS w/Hillary Clinton and Barbra Streisand, Political Pitbulls James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: Last week, HRC, Hillary Clinton brought in her new protégée, Kathryn Randall-Collins or, KRC, to take on the Media Empress Opal Winfree. She’s got the full weight of the Clinton Cabal behind her.

“The Natural” Barack Obama arrives after the introductions to a standing ovation which infuriates both Hillary and Streisand.

The bell rings.

Collins starts out by throwing Winfree out of the ring. KRC in control on the floor. Opal rallies with a clothesline. She climbs the ropes and hits a shooting star press to the floor. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy heave Collins back in the ring. Opal hits a back drop for 2. She hits a suplex for 2. Opal pitches KRC to the floor and tries to dive off the apron. James Carville pushes her off and Opal hits the barricade. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

KRC hits a back elbow and a bodyslam on the floor. She climbs onto the barricade but Soccer Mom, yelling “WE MUST DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!” pushes KRC off of it to the floor. Streisand complains loudly to the referee as New Age Sensitive Guy assists Soccer Mom in doubleteaming KRC. Finally, Hillary dispatches her political pitbulls, Carville and McAuliffe, to stop the doubleteam. KRC back in the ring. Opal comes off the top rope with a crossbody for 2. Opal hits a backbreaker and a moonsault for another 2. KRC blocks a blind charge and hits her own moonsault press. She kicks Opal’s head and then hits a dropkick. Again, Opal falls to the floor. Streisand distracts the referee to let Hillary drill Opal with a steel-folding chair. With Carville holding her up, Collins hits with a baseball slide out of the ring. KRC climbs the ropes but now Soccer Mom races in and crotches her on the turnbuckle.

Soccer Mom catches KRC with a back suplex from the apron to the floor and Opal covers for 2. Streisand kicks Opal and they fight to the ramp. The referee follows and this time allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to get a few cheap shots in on Collins. Carville and McAuliffe get involved. Barack grabs a chair and takes out the political pitbulls. Opal hits the spinning heel kick on Streisand and doubles back to cover KRC for 2. Collins blocks the brainbuster and hits an atomic drop on the ramp for 2. Hillary waves for help and out comes Sidney Blumenthal holding a ladder but Barack hits him with a superkick. The distraction allows Opal to DDT KRC on the floor. Ref counts. Match over.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘MEDIA EMPRESS’ OPAL WINFREE

After the match, Hillary and Barack stare down each other. Suave: “I don’t think this is over yet.”


AWARD PRESENTATION
Bubba Jackson, the owner of BCEW, stands in the ring with University of Hawaii head coach June Jones.
Bubba: Coach Jones, the University of Hawaii accomplished something that no other 1-A, or FBS or BCS or whatever the hell it is, school could- they went unbeaten.
The crowd cheers.
Bubba: So in recognition of this feat, we here at BCEW would like to give this award to you and your team to congratulate the Warriors on a perfect regular season AND a BCS berth in the Sugar Bowl……even though I think you should be playing for the national championship.
Bubba hands the award to Coach Jones.
Coach Jones: Thank you, Bubba. I’d like to thank you for-
Dark, ominous music plays. Out of the back comes BCS Commissioner Mike Slive.
Suave: Mike Slive? What the hell is he doing here?
Mike Slive: Coach Jones, isn’t it enough that we’ve, the all-powerful schools of the BCS, by our incredible benevolence have allowed you, a non-BCS school, to play in a BCS game? Isn’t that enough?
Bubba: No. Not really.
Mike Slive: And now, you’re here accepting an award for football excellence that clearly should be going to one of the fine schools in our BCS conferences? I mean, yes, technically, we’ll all ‘equal.’ But let’s be serious here. Some teams are more ‘equal’ than others.
Bubba: Oh, please. Maybe there wouldn’t be this controversy out there whether Hawaii should have received the Sugar Bowl bid had Michigan State not stiffed them on a game and Michigan, Florida, and Southern California refused to play Hawaii this year. The BCS system is gamed towards the power conferences and designed to lock out the non-BCS teams.
Mike Slive: Let’s face it, Coach Jones. Your team doesn’t have the money. It doesn’t have the prestige. It doesn’t have the right to consider themselves on the same level as the BCS elites!
Suave: All right. I’ve had just about enough of this. Why is Mike Slive out here? What the #@#$?
Crowd: What the @#$#! What the @#$#!
Mike Slive: So, Coach Jones. Why don’t you take your funny Hawaiian shirts and leis back to the islands where you belong and let the big boys take care of big boy foot-
Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock Til’ You Drop sends the crowd into a frenzy.
Suave: Hello! IT’S THE UNIVERSAL CALLING CARD INTRODUCING THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY……TANGO……FOXTROT!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes to the ring as the crowd continues to chant “What the @#$#!”
WTF towers over BCS Commissioner Mike Slive
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Do you want to know what I think of your mighty BCS?
Mike Slive: …um…no………help?
WTF: This is what I think of your mighty BCS.
Mike Slive puts his arms in front of his face. Which makes it easier for WTF to grab him by the throat and unceremoniously chokeslam him to the canvas.
Crowd: BCEW…BCEW…BCEW!

Suave: I love my job.

BACKSTAGE W/FUBAR
Fubar finishes up a workout with Coach Bobby Petrino.
FUBAR: Hey, Coach Petrino. You know, I appreciate the fact that you’re helping me get better and all, but I heard something a few minutes ago that kind of disturbed me.
Coach Petrino: What’s that?
FUBAR: I heard that another wrestler, someone a little better than I am, talked to you about managing him.
Coach Petrino: Oh, that? Listen, kid. You’ve got nothing to worry about?
FUBAR: Really?
Coach Petrino: Really. I promise you that I’ll see this through all the way to the end. You’re my guy. In fact, I’ll even sign a 10 year guarantee that I, Coach Bobby Petrino, will be your manager.
Coach Petrino gets out a contract and signs it.
FUBAR: Cool.
Coach Petrino: Now, get back to work.


Texas Tex pushes a wheelbarrow full of cash down to the ring, followed by the huge, 7 foot, 350 pound behemoth, Big Oil.

MATCH #2 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and Sheila the secretary (American Patriots) vs. STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)
Suave: The winner of this match gets a title shot against BCEW champion, Justin Sufferable. Big Oil is already in the ring and we’re still waiting for Starz N. Stripes.” Texas Tex gets on the mic and asks a ‘special guest’ to come to the ring. It’s Mitt Romney. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Texas Tex: “Mitt Romney will make a fine BCEW CEO and he has our full and complete support.”

The ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ blares over the loudspeakers, heralding the entrance of Starz N. Stripes. Starz walks up the aisle with the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain. Suave: “Well, I guess we know who Starz supports.”

The bell rings and we’re off. Starz uses guile and speed to control early. Big Oil takes over with some withering chops, but he takes too long going up for the splash and Starz gets his knees up. Only momentarily dissuaded, Big Oil goes about dismantling Starz with a powerful array of suplexes and then clears him out of the ring. The big guy climbs the turnbuckle and hits a plancha on Starz. Back in, Big Oil and Starz trade reversals. Big Oil powerbombs Starz into the corner. Up the turnbuckle they go. Texas Tex sets up a table on the outside. Big Oil superplexes Starz through the table! Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BIG OIL COVERS ONE, TWO, THR…NO! IT’S MIKE THE MECHANIC! HE BROKE UP THE COUNT!”

Big Oil can’t believe it. Suave: “Everyman, Mike the Mechanic stops the count and a certain win by Big Oil. He’s still upset over Big Oil and Texas Tex buying out his body shop, closing it down, and stealing his secretary, Sheila.” Enraged, Big Oil lifts Mike the Mechanic up by the throat and chokeslams him to the floor. The crowd boos. Big Oil sticks his big boot on Mike’s throat and chokes him. Sheila screams at Big Oil to stop. Texas Tex laughs and restrains her. Suave: “Someone stop him! Anyone…JOHN McCAIN HAS A STEEL-FOLDING CHAIR!” *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

WINNER: NO ONE

Big Oil is out. Sheila attends to Mike the Mechanic. Texas Tex is pissed. He starts to confront the Straight Shooter but thinks better of it when Starz revives and stands up. Texas Tex grabs a mic and climbs into the ring.
Texas Tex: It doesn’t matter. John McCain. You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW CEO. You’ve pissed off too many influential and wealthy people in power with your ‘straight-talk.’ Starz N. Stripes? You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW champion. Big Oil squashed you like a bug tonight. He deserves the title shot and I demand that he’s given the title shot.
Rev. Robertson, one half of the pious pair- the God Squad, comes out with ‘America’s Mayor’ Rudy Giuliani.
Rev. Robertson: I don’t think so. My guy, Rudy Giuliani, is the most prepared to become the next BCEW CEO. And my faith makes me more deserving of a title shot against Justin Sufferable then the whole lot of you. I made a hurricane change course once. What do you think will happen when I get into the ring with Justin Sufferable?
Male voice: You’ll probably lose.
Suave: IT’S KIRK WALSTREIT! WALL STREET MARKET ANALYST WITH A HUGE MAN-CRUSH ON ESPN’S KIRK HERBSTREIT!
Walstreit: No, it is me, Kirk Walstreit, who should be wrestling for a chance for the BCEW title. And this guy agrees with me.
Suave: Huh?
Fred Thompson saunters out.
Suave: Hey, Fred’s awake today.
Walstreit: That’s right. Fred Thompson. He’s the common sense conservative we need.
Texas Tex throws a fit in the ring.
Texas Tex: All of you, have no chance. We have the money. We make the decisions. The next BCEW CEO will Mitt Romney! Deal with it, you peons. Deal with it you-
The crowd cheers.
Suave: Oh, oh. Now, what? CHUCK NORRIS!
Action star Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee come to the ring.
Texas Tex: That goes for you, too! Your physical prowness is no match for our money and power and-
Norris spinning heel kicks Texas Tex and shuts him up.
The crowd stands and chants, “BCEW…BCEW!”

Suave: So, essentially nothing was solved here today. We now have five men who want a title shot against Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Let’s go to the back for some breaking news.

BCEW reporter Bryan Wilson of Faux News- Fair and Imbalanced interviews Coach Bobby Petrino and his new protégée…Dave ‘The Elk’ Elkins of the Country Club?
Wilson: Coach Petrino, you’d like to make an announcement?
Coach Petrino: I’d like to announce here that I’ve been offered a great deal and a lot of money to manage Dave ‘The Elk’ Elkins and I’ve accepted the job.
FUBAR runs out.
FUBAR: Wait a minute…WAAAA-IT A MINUTE! You told me that all this talk about you taking another job was nothing.
Coach Petrino: Well…yeah. It was……at the time.
FUBAR: You promised me-
Dave ‘The Elk’ Elkins: Can’t you get the hint, man. I’m simply a better job for Coach Petrino and will pay more money! Get over it!
FUBAR: I WILL NOT GET OVER IT.
FUBAR pushes Elkins.
Elkins: You don’t want to start with me, Mr. ‘I’ve never won a match in my life!’
FUBAR: Oh yeah? Let’s go. Right now!
Elkins: Okay. It’s your loss.
FUBAR attacks Elkins.
Suave: Here they go!

MATCH #3 FUBAR (Independent) vs. DAVE ‘THE ELK’ ELKINS of the Country Club w/Coach Bobby Petrino (American Patriots)
Elkins, with Coach Petrino coaching him in his corner, takes the early offensive against FUBAR. Elkins wins a ‘test of strength’ and then lands rights to FUBAR. He chokes out FUBAR who tries to fight back. Elkins with chops now, off the ropes and a spin kick gets a 2 count. Suave: “FUBAR must be motivated. That usually ends the match.” Elkins knees FUBAR and pushes him in the corner. He calls for his favorite golf club- the driver, from Coach Petrino but he’s not there. Elkins looks, Petrino is walking off with a suitcase full of cash and a new deal with Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson of Corporate World. Elkins looks in shock. Suave: “HE TOOK ANOTHER JOB? BIG SURPRISE!” Elkins leans over the ropes and asks ‘why?” FUBAR rolls him up from behind. One. Two. Three. FUBAR jumps up as if he’s not sure what just happened. The ref holds his arm up in victory.

WINNER: FUBAR???

Suave: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? HELL, YES! Next time, a big ass five man battle to determine the next challenger for the BCEW title!

Don’t forget our sister blog

http://screwthebcs.blogspot.com/

Monday, December 03, 2007

12/2- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- DEC. 2nd
From Spengler Arena, Wauseon, OH. Johnny Suave announcing.

The night begins with a ten bell salute to the late Evel Knievel.

BCEW CEO GEORGE W MEETS WITH AL GORE
Suave: “Well? Here’s a meeting I never thought I’d see. BCEW CEO George W invited the ‘Tree Huggin’, Mocha Chuggin’, Tobacco Company Buggin’, Insane Extreme Chair Swinging Alpha Male and Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon’ Al Gore to visit to commemorate Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize.”
Gore and George W meet outside his office for pictures and then go inside. Suave: “Interesting.”

The crowd chants “BCEW! BCEW!” until Extreme Attorneys at Law Felcher and Felcher of the Progressive Alliance come out. Then the crowd boos. R Felcher holds up a piece of paper.
R Felcher: “This legal document states that the so-called BCEW Tag Team Champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini, must give Felcher and Felcher a title shot tonight, right here, right now!”

The Drunken Luchadors stumble out, each carrying their usual drink of choice- a flask of Jack Daniels.
Johnny Suave: “Well, once again, the Extreme Attorneys have used and perverted the legal system to their advantage.”
The Martini Brothers stagger into the ring and the bell rings.

MATCH #1 BCEW Tag Team Champions- DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN & DON MARTINI vs. Extreme Attorneys FELCHER & FELCHER
R Felcher and Don Martini to start. Martini holds on to the top rope while R Felcher simply stays in his corner. Don charges across the ring and totally misses the extreme attorney. B Felcher swings a Halliburton briefcase and clobbers Don in the face. Dan Martini climbs up on the turnbuckle and attempts a missile dropkick all the way across the ring. He, too, misses badly, landing several feet short of R Felcher. R Felcher sticks his wingtip shoes on Don Martini. The referee counts. One…two… Suave: “Wow. Look at that green geyser coming from Don Martini’s mouth……HOLY CRAP! HE’S PROJECTILE VOMITING FIVE FEET INTO THE AIR ALL OVER R FELCHER! By the way, that’s gotta be a new record for heighth!” R Felcher steps back and tries to clear the vomit out of his eyes. He trips backwards over Dan Martini and lands hard on his head. Don crawls over and puts his arm on R Felcher. The referee finds a dry spot in the ring and counts out…one…two… B Felcher comes flying over the top rope and drills Don in the head again with the Halliburton suitcase…just as the referee reaches three.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN & DON MARTINI

Felcher and Felcher are furious.
Suave: “The Extreme Attorneys are pissed! And they’re attacking the tag team champs!”
B Felcher whacks both Martinis with the briefcase and then the Green World Order (Vegan Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA) run down and join in.
Suave: “Now the GWO is getting their cheap shots in! This was all a set up!”
The GWO and the Extreme Attorneys kick away at the Drunken Luchadors. Brock Cole Lee lifts up Don Martini and puts him in the tree of woe in one corner. Then GreenPete puts Dan Martini in the tree of woe in the opposite corner. Peta from PETA throws in two chairs and PeaceNick, while complaining about the gratuitous violence inherent in using steel-folding chairs as weapons, places them in front of both Martinis. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee get ready and then…

Crowd: “RON-PAUL! (clap-clap) RON-PAUL! (clap-clap)
Suave: “HERE HE COMES. RON PAUL AND HIS NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY!”
Ron Paul leads A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and their well-endowed sister, Daisy Cutter-Bomb to the ring.
Suave: “AND HERE WE GO!”
A-Bomb and H-Bomb wade in and go after Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete. PeaceNick flees the ring. Ron Paul puts B Felcher in the Texas Cloverleaf. Newt Tron Bomb grabs a chair and starts swinging. *CLANG* Down goes Brock Cole Lee. *CLANG* Down goes GreenPete. Peta from PETA sneaks up behind N-Bomb and kicks him in the balls.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Then Daisy Cutter-Bomb grabs Peta by the hair and slams her into the corner turnbuckle. Daisy grabs a chair. *CLANG* Down goes Peta from PETA.

BOB KNIGHT vs. BCEW CEO GEORGE W’S AIDE DE CAMP- DICK IN A SHEET SHOOTING CONTEST
Suave: This could be dangerous. Glad, I’m here and not there.” Dick wins the coin flip and will shoot first. Dick aims his shotgun at the target. He’s about to fire. And then his heart starts acting up. Dick inadvertently squeezes the trigger and shoots one of the attendants. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Uh…we’ll come back to this later.”

BCEW GEORGE W’S MEETING WITH AL GORE- PART 2
BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein knocks on the door where George W and Al Gore are meeting. George W answers. His hair is mussed up and he has a welt below his eye. Bernstein: “Is everything okay in there? I heard some commotion.” George W assures Bernstein everything is okay and that he and Al Gore are having a productively, cordial meeting.

BACK TO THE RING…
Suave: “Well, the New Libertarian Army again came to the rescue of the Drunken Luchadors and…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS!”
Neal Conn, tag team Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson, Esq), The Country Club (Dave ‘The Elk’ Elkins and Pool Boy Pete) rush out and attack the New Libertarian Army. A huge three way brawl ensues between: the GWO and Felcher and Felcher on the left, the New Libertarian Army in the middle, and the American Patriots on the right.
Suddenly, someone clad in red, white, and blue trunks races down.
Suave: “HE’S BACK! IT’S THE FORMER ROOKIE SENSATION, STARZ N. STRIPES!”

Starz jumps into the fray and starts throwing people out of the ring. First, A-Bomb. Next, GreenPete. Starz wallops Brock Cole Lee and then heaves him over the top rope. Newt Tron Bomb turns around and sticks his butt to deliver his finisher- ‘Silent But Deadly.’ Starz kicks his ass and then propels N-Bomb up and over the top rope. Neal Conn, Corporate World, and the Country Club mop up the rest. Starz gets on the microphone and declares that the American Patriots may have been down over the past few months but now they’re coming back, ready for a fight.
Starz: “We may have lost some battles along the way. But we haven’t lost the war. I’m back and I’m putting BCEW Champion Justin Sufferable on notice- I’m gunning for you and the title-”

Big Oil and Texas Tex come out.
Texas Tex: “Whoa, whoa there, pardner. Now, I know, being that both of us are members of the American Patriots, that we’re all supposed to stick together. But I hate to tell ya that Big Oil has first dibs on the BCEW World Title.”
Big Oil tells Starz that as sure as he believes oil prices will reach $100 a barrel shortly; he will be the next BCEW Title.
Big Oil: “I have the money. I have the clout within the American Patriots. I have the power. And when it all comes down, the American Patriots will do my bidding and put me over as the next champion.”

JOHNNY SUAVE MAKES A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT
Suave announces that the next BCEW pay per view event has been determined. Suave: “On January 20th, BCEW will hold a pay per view event at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn in Chelsea, Michigan, to be called BCEW- Weapons of Mass Political Destruction!” Suave also announces that the pay per view will also celebrate the publishing of J.D. Elder’s new novel entitled ‘Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction’ from Prairie Depot/I-73 Press. Suave starts to talk about who will be wrestling at the pay per view when Rudy Giuliani and Rev. Robertson, one half of the tag team- The God Squad, comes in.

Giuliani makes it known that he will be there at BCEW- WMPD and appreciates the support of Rev. Robertson because it only reinforces to everyone that Giuliani is hardcore conservative.
Giuliani: “And as I am, hardcore conservative, I believe that BCEW- Weapons of Mass Political Destruction will be a banner night for the Giuliani campaign-”
Giuliani is interrupted by Rev. Dobson and Rev. Falwell Jr. Revs Dobson and Falwell Jr. confront Rev. Robertson over his endorsement of Rudy Giuliani.
Falwell Jr.: “Rudy Giuliani is not hardcore conservative.”
The God Squad begin bickering among themselves until Mike Huckabee shows up.
Huckabee: “You know, all this talk about Weapons of Mass Political Destruction and who’s hardcore conservative. Well, the ultimate Weapon of Mass Political Destruction who embodies hardcore conservativism has endorsed me to become the next BCEW CEO- Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris comes out as the crowd chants “@#$# ‘em up Chuck, @#$# ‘em up!”

Next, Barack Obama comes out, accompanied by Opal Winfree and her flock, Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy.
Barack: “The ultimate Weapon of Mass Political Destruction need not be a weapon of violence. I have here, a woman who is loved and revered all over the world by millions and millions of fans and she supports my candidacy. Talk about an ultimate weapon- Opal’s flock.”

Finally, Hillary Clinton comes out. She tsk tsk’s everyone and announces that she has the ultimate Weapon of Mass Political Destruction. Hillary promises to bring her out later.

GEORGE W./AL GORE MEETING- PART 3
Bernstein listens closely as the faint sound of scuffling can be heard. He knocks on the door again and this time, Al Gore answers. His hair is all mussed up and his left eye is half closed.
Bernstein: “What is going on in there?”
Gore: “George W is congratulating me on winning the Nobel Prize. We are not reliving the awful 2000 election in which I was screwed out of being the BCEW CEO…no…not at all…not at… *WHAP* “…AARRGGHHH…I’ll be right back.”
Bernstein: “Well, I think that was a Singapore cane shot Al Gore just took.”
Bernstein can hear what appears to be tables and furniture overturning and being thrown as weapons…

BOB KNIGHT vs. DICK- SKEET SHOOTING- PART 2
Suave: “Well, it looks like they shocked Dick’s heart back into regular rhythm and they’ve taken the attendant to a local hospital. We’re about ready to get the skeet-shooting contest going again.” Everyone holds their breath as Dick loads his rifle, cocks it, and then aims. Suave: “Ready……aim……oh, oh…it looks like he’s having problems again.” Dick turns and faces the camera, clutching his heart. The gun unloaded and the screen fades to black.

Suave: “Well, that didn’t work either. Let’s go backstage…”

BACKSTAGE
Big Oil, Texas Tex and Sheila the Secretary walk to the ring.
Suave: “This sucks. Last time on BCEW Extreme Political TV, Big Oil came out and announced that he had bought the body shop Independent Mike the Mechanic worked at, closed the shop down, and then hired on Mike’s secretary Sheila at a markedly higher wage!”
Mike the Mechanic confronts the trio.
Mike to Sheila: “How could you do this to me? How could you go to work for him?”
Sheila: “Mike, I had no choice.”
Big Oil steps in and pushes Mike back.
Big Oil: “You’re a nobody. As I told Starz N. Stripes earlier tonight: I have money, I have power, and you’re nothing.”
With that, Big Oil grabs Sheila’s arm and drags her away.
Suave: “What an a-hole!”

MATCH #2 BIG OIL (American Patriots) vs. FUBAR (Jobber Extraordinaire)
Texas Tex and Sheila lead Big Oil to a chant of “a@#-hole! a@#-hole!” Texas Tex takes the mic and shouts back: “When you have as much money as we have, you can be whatever you want.” More boos. Bell rings. Big Oil choke slams FUBAR. FUBAR is…well…FUBAR. Ref counts. Match over.

WINNER: BIG OIL

Big Oil gets on the mic and calls out BCEW Champion Justin Sufferable. Sufferable shows up in the back and tells him that he needs to stop worrying about the BCEW title and worry about people within the American Patriots.
Big Oil: “There’s no one else in the American Patriots who dares oppose me.”
Then Starz N. Stripes hits the ring with a chair and drives the steel into Big Oil’s knee. Texas Tex tries to climb into the ring but Sheila grabs him by the coat and holds on for dear life.

All of the American Patriots contenders for BCEW CEO immediately run out to stop the brawl. Both Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani attempt to get in between Big Oil and Starz and end up getting into it. John McCain comes in from behind with a steel chair and plasters Romney with it.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
With Chuck Norris urging him on, Mike Huckabee joins in and whomps on Giuliani, throws Romney out of the ring, and then hits McCain with a steel chair. Chuck Norris gives him the thumbs up.

BOB KNIGHT vs. DICK- SKEET SHOOTING- PART 3
Suave: “And speaking of unspeakable violence, we’re back at the skeet shooting contest. Luckily for the camera man there, the pellets hit the camera and not him. However, we had to get an auxiliary camera out there to shoot this…so to speak.”
Texas Tech basketball coach Bob Knight takes his turn.
Suave: “He aims…fires……Oooooh. Not a bullseye. But he’s on the board.”
The crowd politely claps at an actual successful shot. Then someone in the crowd yells out: “THAT SUCKS!”
Knight turns around.
Guy: “THAT’S RIGHT. THAT SHOT SUCKED! YOU WEREN’T EVEN CLOSE TO THE-” *KA-BLAM*
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! I don’t believe it. Coach Knight just shot at a spectator! Okay, actually I’m not that surprised, after all. Contest over. Let’s go to Woodward Bernstein…”

GEORGE W.-AL GORE MEETING
W and Gore come out after their ‘meeting’ is over. Gore is bleeding from the lip and W. is missing a tooth.
Bernstein: “I hate to ask but, how’d the meeting go?”
Gore answered that he and W had a pleasant exchange and worked out some old issues.
Bernstein: “It looks like you both beat the crap out of each other.”
W.: “Yep. It got a little intense and spirited in there, but I think we have an understanding.”
Gore: “That’s true. Even though I got the better of the exchange, I think we can all put what happened in 2000 behind us.”
W: “What do you mean YOU got the better of the exchange?”
Gore: “I did. If it would have been a fight, I would’ve won.”
W: “Oh, yeah. I don’t think so.”
Gore: “Oh yeah?”
W: “Yeah!”
Gore and W tumble and start rolling around on the ground.

Bernstein: “Well, looks like we need another recount here. Let’s go back to Johnny Suave-”

MATCH #3- BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION OPAL WINFREE (Progressive Alliance) w/her flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy) and Barack Obama vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS
Suave: “Kathryn Randall Collins is a newcomer to BCEW and her first match is against the women’s champion.” Bell rings. Collins and Winfree lock up. Barack cheers on Opal. Suave explains that no one knows a whole lot about Collins. Collins and Winfree continue to spin around in the ring. Collins gets a few moves in on the women’s champion. Collins nailed a top rope sunset flip for a near fall. Collins climbed the top rope and went moonsault. New Age Sensitive Guy apologizes and then pushes Collins off the rope. Soccer Mom jumps in and helps Opal superbomb Collins.

New Age Sensitive Guy throws two chairs into the ring and Opal powerbombs Collins through them. Soccer Mom put a table in the corner and yells “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” as Opal nails a belly-to-belly and puts Collins through the table. Suave: “Opal and her flock are taking the newcomer to school…” Hillary Clinton walks out with her Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal). Suave: “What is she doing out here?” Hillary gets on the ring apron and distracts Opal long enough for Collins to sneak in and roll Opal. Ref gets a 2 count. Barack demands to know what Hillary and her Political Pitbulls are up to. Hillary takes the mic and climbs in the ring, effectively stopping the match. Suave: “What is Hillary Clinton doing?” Hillary puts her arm around Collins and announces that she is the one who brought Kathryn Randall Collins into BCEW. Hillary: “And speaking of ‘star’ power, I admit that Opal Winfree is a big star. But, I can do one better.”

Out comes Barbra Streisand. Suave: “Oh, God. Not her.” The crowd boos. Streisand: “Shut up! You’re not allowed to look at me! I’m a star!” Plastic cups and trash fly into the ring. Streisand: “Hillary, tell the help to stop throwing things at me. And tell them not to look at me directly!” Crowd chants ‘You suck!” Streisand: “Shut up!...”

Suave: “Hillary brings out the big guns. We’re on the road to BCEW- Weapons of Mass Political Destruction! See you next time.”