Sunday, May 27, 2007

5/27- BCEW Political War Cable TV show


Bubba talks to someone on his headset. Former BCEW CEO George W enters. “You wanted to see me?” W says. Bubba motions W to sit down. Bubba: “W, I’ll get to the point. Last week, Rough Justice arrested just about everyone over this whole smoking thing. Everyone’s been released…all except for Gina Ramsey.” George W seems mildly surprised. Bubba then informs him that against his better judgement, because every effort to get Gina out of jail has failed, he has no other choice but to reinstate George W as BCEW CEO.

George W leaves Bubba’s office and runs into his aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. “Well?” Dick asks. W. informs him that he has been reinstated as the BCEW CEO. Dick shakes his hand. George W: “I’d better tell the band to warm up because I’m headed to the ring.” Dick nods and W exits.

Dick turns to ‘The Mastermind’ and grins. Dick: “I love it when a plan comes together. You just make sure that they keep her locked up for as long as possible.” Rove nods affirmatively and then points to his head to again reaffirm to everyone just how much of a friggin’ genius he is.

“BCEW!...BCEW!” chants the capacity crowd at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. BCEW announcer Johnny Suave stands in the ring with his color person. “Ladies and gentlemen!” he bellows over the chanting crowd. “Welcome to our special three-hour special on BCEW Political War on P-SPAN, the political junkie channel!” The crowd stands and cheers loudly. “I am Johnny Suave and please welcome back the hottest piece of cardboard in the wrestling world, my life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain!” The crowd again stands and cheers.

Suave then announces that tonight we will find out just who the three contestants will be who will wrestle for the BCEW World title next week at the BCEW Loose Cannons 3 pay per view, to be held at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn in Chelsea, Michigan. Suave begins to run down the card but gets interrupted by a mariachi band playing a horribly off-key version of ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “Oh, no! You’re kidding me, right?” Suave’s worst fears come to pass as newly reinstated BCEW CEO George W triumphantly marches down the aisle behind the bad mariachi band followed by Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. “WE WANT GINA! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap), the crowd chants.

W climbs in the ring to the effusive boos from the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon patrons. W begins to announce something to mark his reinstatement as BCEW CEO but again, the crowd displays their abject displeasure by jeering him. W: “I’m back in charge and I don’t care what y’all think. I will do what I feel is best for BCEW- no matter how unpopular and illogical…” Dick gently elbows W. W: “Right. Strike that last remark. I will protect BCEW at all cost and I don’t care-”

The crowd continues to chant even louder: “WE WANT GINA (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)!” Dick grabs the mic. “SHE’S NOT COMING SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHUT UP!” he yells at the crowd. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the crowd responds. Suave: “Wow. It’s going to get ugly here. Where is Gina being held? And Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ in co-hoots with Rough Justice? What is up with that?”

Suave finally runs down the card:
-Five way brawl to determine the Progressive Alliance representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: Political Pitbull James Carville, Peacenik of the Green World Order, Union Jac, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher, and DLC.
-Five way brawl to determine the American Patriots representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: Starz N. Stripes, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad, Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and Neal Conn.
-Five way brawl to determine the Independent representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: A. Tom Bomb, Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Tiny of the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja, and ‘everyman’ Mike the Mechanic.
-The Green World Order (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee) vs. The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade for the number one contender spot for the BCEW Tag Team titles to wrestle the champions at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.
-‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse takes on the ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree in an elimination match. The winner gets BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton for the title at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.

MATCH #1 TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) (Progressive Alliance) w/ former US Senator from the State of Alaska Mike Gravel vs. MICHAEL HUNT of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname (Independent)
Suave: “Triple R continues his climb back up the ladder. If you remember, Triple R won the BCEW World Title at BCEW vs. EECW War in March but was stripped of the title in April when he publicly announced that he was going to throw the belt in the trash on the Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin’ cable show. Former BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey reinstated Triple R, but only after he refilled out a job application and went through the whole hiring process again. Can a very angry Triple R get back to the top?”

Triple R shoves people out of the way left and right. He hops the top rope and immediately goes after Michael Hunt. Lefts. Rights. Side headlock by Triple R. Hunt tries to fight out of it but Triple R slams him to the ground and starts choking him. Then he throws Hunt over the top rope to the floor. Triple R grabs a chair and plants it over Hunt’s head. Hunt pirouettes and hits face first the ring steps. Suave: “OWW!” Senator Mike Gravel, who’s equally as pissed off as Triple R, angrily sets up a table and drape Hunt across it. Suave: “Triple R climbs up to the top rope…HOLY CRAP! HE JUST PUT HUNT THROUGH THE TABLE!” Gravel then gets into it with the referee. Gravel: “GET OUT OF MY FACE! I’M ANGRY AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Gravel then climbs up himself to the top rope and delivers an elbow to Hunt. Triple R covers and quickly the referee counts to three.


Triple R grabs the mic and demands right there and now to be added to the Progressive Alliance five way dance. Triple R: “I’M THE CHAMPION! NO ONE DEFEATED ME FOR THE TITLE AND NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ME! I WANT MY TITLE AND I WANT IT NOW!” Triple R continues to throw a temper tantrum in the ring while Senator Gravel repeats “I’m pissed off at everything” over and over.

Everyman Mike the Mechanic hangs out with his secretary, Sheila. Big Oil walks by with his manager, Texas Tex. Tex pushes a wheelbarrow full of cash and chomps on a cigar. Big Oil stops and glares at Mike. Then he starts laughing and makes a money gesture with his fingers. Mike starts forward but Sheila gets in the way. Tex: “Complain all you want. The price of gas keeps going up. You still go out and fill your gas tank up. And I’ll keep getting richer and richer!” Tex laughs and runs his hands through the cash in the wheelbarrow as he and Big Oil move on. Sheila continues to try to restrain Mike the Mechanic. Sheila: “Not tonight, honey. Not tonight. Win your five way brawl and you’ll get your shot at him.”

MATCH #2 “Trailer Park Skating Honey” TANYA HARDY w/ the White Trash Posse (Independent) vs. “Empress Queen of the Media World” OPAL WINFREE w/Opal’s Flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy)
Suave reminds us that the winner of this match gets a title shot at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 against the champion, ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton. Soccer Mom gets on the mic and tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd: “Opal cares! Opal cares about all of you! Most of all, Opal cares……about the children.” The crowd boos her. Angrily, she yells back, “You should all worship the ground Opal walks on!” More boos. Soccer Mom: “I’ll tell you all this. If any of the Progressive Alliance candidates for CEO are in the back, they’d better listen and listen close. Opal Winfree has a lot of followers. Opal Winfree is the Empress Queen of the Media World. If she needs help tonight, you’d better be out here if you want her support for BCEW CEO.”

Suave: “Okay. There’s the bell.” Hardy gets upset that Opal is taking forever to shake the hand of every fan of hers at ringside. The ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ slides under the ropes and whips Winfree into the guardrail a couple of times. Hardy tries a springboard moonsault, but Opal just pushes her off the guardrail into the crowd. The two brawl around the arena with Opal in control. The fans are of course chanting non-stop ‘BCEW…BCEW.’ Opal chokes away on Hardy and then sits her in a chair at ringside. New Age Soccer Guy hits a spear on the chair and Hardy is sprawled out on the floor. Immediately, the White Trash Posse respond and smack New Age Sensitive Guy in the knee with a baton. Soccer Mom tries to intervene and she gets a baton to the knee.

Opal tosses Hardy back inside the ring and gets a hard powerbomb, but doesn't cover her. Opal lifts Hardy up into a military press and then just dumps her on her face. Opal tries to lift her again but the White Trash Posse hit the ring and attack her with the baton. Opal falls to the ground and the White Trash Posse pounce on her. Suave: “The White Trash Posse are assaulting the Empress Queen…AND HERE COMES THE CALVARY!” Hillary Clinton, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson, and the rest of the Progressive Alliance candidates for BCEW CEO race to the ring to Opal Winfree’s rescue. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THEY’RE ALL OUT HERE TO HELP!” All ten candidates attack the White Trash Posse. Hillary kicks away at one. Barack Obama puts another one in a hammerlock. Bill Richardson and John Edwards double team Tanya Hardy. A few more seconds of carnage ensue before Opal crawls over and covers the ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey.’ Referee counts out the pinfall. Match over.



BCEW Tag Team champions Dan and Don Martini sit at a table with rocker Ozzy Osbourne. The Martini brothers have several bottles of Jack Daniels sitting in front of them while Ozzy has a glass of water. Ozzy mumbles something that’s nearly impossible to decipher. So there are subtitles on the bottom of the TV screen when Ozzy talks. “I’m here with the BCEW Tag Team champions, my new friends, Dan and Don Martini!” Dan and Don clink their bottles and yell incoherently. Ozzy mumbles some more. “They have been the tag team champions for over two years now and await with great anticipation the winner of the next match at BCEW Loose Cannons 3.” Suave: “Okay, what’s scary here is that Dan and Don are drunk off their ass. Ozzy isn’t. And you can’t tell the difference.” Ozzy then grunts at the Martinis. Dan and Don clink their bottles again, guzzle down the remaining contents, yell out something totally incomprehensible, and then pass out. Ozzy looks down at them and mumbles. “What the #$#$!” Suddenly, Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” blares over the sound system. Suave: “IT’S THE NEW SIX FOOT EIGHT, 310 POUND ‘ENFORCER’ OF ALL THINGS EXTREME IN BCEW, WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!” WTF runs in and dumps over the table. Ozzy falls out of his chair.

MATCH #3 THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee) (Progressive Alliance) vs. THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (American Patriots)
The GWO are already in the ring. Greenpete gets on the mic and also demands that the Progressive Alliance pay close attention to their match. Greenpete: “If you want the support of the Green World Order, you’d better be here for us if we need you.” The opening to Toby Keith’s hit song “Who’s Your Daddy” blares over the loudspeaker and out come the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. Suave: “This is a classic matchup between the left and the right. The winner will face the BCEW Tag Team Champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flying Martini Brothers next week at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.”

The bell rings and immediately all four men go after each other. Suave: “Not a whole lot of love here.”


MATCH #3 (continued)
Suave: “Getting everyone back up to speed. The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade have been in control of this match since the opening bell.” With Greenpete lying on the floor, seemingly incapacitated, Earl Locke sets Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee up on a table while Gary Loade climbs up on the turnbuckle. Loade jumps off and crushes Lee through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Locke pulls Lee up by his spiky green hair and throws him back in the ring.

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?” The crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha followed by several camera people appears. Suave: “IT IS! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING POLITICAL ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion as the camera films it all. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Locke is distracted from covering the Extreme Vegan, allowing Peta from PETA to sneak in with a chair. Peta snaps the chair over Locke’s back and gets his attention. Locke chases Peta all over the ring which allows Al Gore to come in and swat the Raging Redneck in the back with the Singapore cane. Locke down. Loade then jumps in and gets a Singapore cane to the head. Lee somehow crawls over Locke and gets the cover.

WINNER: THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee)

The GWO celebrate in the ring with the ‘Tree Huggin,’ Mocha chuggin,’ tobacco campany buggin,’ insane extreme Singapore cane swinging political alpha male and environmental extreme icon- Al Gore. “The inconvenient truth is that at BCEW Loose Cannons 3,” Gore says. “The new BCEW Tag Team champions will be the Green World Order!”

In front of a large BCEW banner, Rudy introduces himself as one of the candidates vying to be the next BCEW CEO. “Everyone knows that in order to be the standard bearer for the American Patriots, you have to be hardcore……conservative,” Rudy says. “It’s unfortunate when people question my hardcore conservative credentionals because I think everyone understands that I am hardcore…conservative. I mean, I successfully governed a city that many people believed couldn’t be governed. But I did it because I am…hardcore conservative. I was able to bring law and order to a city that many believed you couldn’t- because I am…hardcore conservative. And on 9/11, while the President was flying all over the country and the Vice-President hid in a bunker, I stood tall and steady that day among the ruins of the World Trade Center because I am hardcore…conservative. We may not agree on all issues. But because everyone knows that I’m hardcore conservative, I believe I will be the best choice to bring a sense of order to BCEW. Why? Because, I’m hardcore conservative! I’m hardcore conservative!”

A darkened movie theater full of people. A close up of Hillary Clinton’s face appears in black and white on the movie screen. Hillary: “I’m glad we’ve begun our conversation with all of you. So far, we haven’t stopped talking and I intend to continue to keep talking to you about the things we need to talk about. That’s really good. Because it’s important to talk about the thing that we need to talk about because if we don’t talk about them, then, we’re not talking. I hope we’ve learned a little bit more about the things we need to talk about because if you lower your guards and surrender your ships…” Hillary’s face evolves with a metallic plate appearing around her left eye with the eye replaced with a robotic eye. “…we can add your biological and technological distinctiveness into a utopian culture that will adapt to service us…I mean…all of us…”

Suave: “Earlier in the week, former BCEW CEO Jimmy Carter called George W. the ‘worst BCEW CEO in history. W’s aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove are out here to address that.” Dick calls Carter ‘irrelevant’ and the criticism of George W. ‘reckless.’ Carter comes out and Dick immediately demands an apology. Carter: “Perhaps my remarks were ‘careless’ and ‘misinterpreted.” Suave: “Oh?” Carter: “I realized that calling George W’s term ‘the worst in history’ would be an insult to the worst administration in history.” Suave: “Who would that be?” Carter: “Mine.”

Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ shout at Carter when BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein confronts Dick. “Isn’t it true that you hired Rough Justice to arrest and imprison former interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey and now you’re holding her captive and torturing her with bad television shows?” Dick angrily denies the torture charges. Bernstein: “Oh really? Then explain…THIS!” A video of Gina Ramsey tied to a chair and gagged, watching ‘The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo’ on TV. “Let’s go get ‘em, Sheriff Lobo!” a voice says from the TV. Ramsey winces in great pain. Bernstein: “SEE?” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT HAS TO VIOLATE SEVERAL PROVISIONS OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION! DICK, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?...DICK? DICK!” Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ are long gone.

MATCH #4 THE INDEPENDENT FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (A. Tom Bomb, Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Tiny of the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja, and ‘everyman’ Mike the Mechanic.)
“The first man to pin one of the other contestants wins the match,” Suave announces. A. Tom Bomb hooks up with Tiny. Al Cahall hits a cheap shot on Little Paulie from the apron. Tiny overpowers A-Bomb but A-Bomb comes back with a roll up for 1. Cahall hits a hurricanrana on Little Paulie but runs into a backbreaker from Mike the Mechanic. A-Bomb tosses Tiny into the corner but Al Cahall leaps in with a dropkick and backs A-Bomb up. Tiny hits a Northern League suplex on Cahall for 2. A-Bomb tosses Mike the Mechanic to the floor while Little Paulie connects with a dropkick Tiny. He dropkicks Tiny again but the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja swats him away. Little Paulie tumbles to the floor. A-Bomb hits Mike the Mechanic with a Atomic Power Bomb and goes for the cover. Tiny dives on A-Bomb and stops the count. After faking a dive on Little Paulie, Al Cahall hits an enziguiri on Mike the Mechanic. Tiny whacks Cahall from behind and puts him in a seated abdominal stretch. This time, A-Bomb breaks the hold.

Tiny and A-Bomb start clubbing away at each other. Tiny hits A-Bomb with a bodyslam and the sleeper toss for 2. They tumble out of the ring and brawl outside. Taking advantage of the opportunity, Mike the Mechanic’s secretary, Sheila, slips him jumper cables for his battery charger and Mike zaps Little Paulie. He slams Little Paulie and covers for 2. Al Cahall jumps in and hits a double spinebuster for 2. He puts on a half crab but Sheila comes in and zaps him with the jumpers, knocking him out. Outside, Tiny and A-Bomb brawl into the crowd. Mike goes for the cover on Little Paulie again. Suave: “One…two…th- WAIT! IT’S BIG OIL!” Big Oil breaks the pinfall and then delivers the Oklahoma City Driller on Mike. Big Oil rolls Little Paulie over and the referee counts it out. “One,” the referee says. Both Tiny and A-Bomb rush back to the ring. “Two.” They climb into the ring. “Three.” Too late.

WINNER: LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers

Suave: “A stunning upset! Little Paulie of the American Bikers will be one of the three going for the BCEW World Title at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3!”

Rudy walks into a crowded shopping mall. Rudy: “Not a day goes by without someone coming up to me, Rudy, how do you balance the two? Being a hardcore conservative and holding views that might be a little outside the conservative realm. That makes me a hardcore PRAGMATIC conservative and I think the voters notice that.” Rudy strolls down the ground floor window shopping, looking at various items that catch his eye. Rudy: “I can hear them whispering when I walk by…he’s hardcore conservative. And then I go up to them and it’s…BAM…like they’ve been hit over the head with a steel-folding chair. Cause I am…hardcore conservative.”

Hillary, face pale white with various mechanical plates partially covering her face, a la the ‘Borg’ from Star Trek, continues to speak. “…and as long as we’re having this conversation with each other, I need each and every one of you to know that…resistance is futile. You will all be assimilated!”

Mike Rogers of the American Patriots talks to a colleague when ‘Th’ Old War Horse’ John Murtha comes up. Murtha pushes Rogers and sticks a finger in his face. Suave: “What the hell is THAT about?” Murtha: “How dare you question me! Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” Murtha then tells Rogers that he hopes he’s don’t have any earmarks in any bills because they are gone. Murtha: “You will not get any earmarks now and forever.” Suave: “WHAT A JERK! HE ACTS AS IF HE’S HAS THE GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SPEND TAXPAYER’S MONEY AS HE SEES FIT!” Rogers: “This is not the way we do things here — and is that supposed to make me afraid of you?” Murtha decks Rogers with a forearm shiver. Murtha: “That’s the way I do it!” Murtha turns and starts to walk away. Jumping Rogers grabs a nearby clipboard and tries to whap Murtha from behind. ‘Queen’ Nancy Pelosi comes up from behind and grabs on to Rogers’s arm. Pelosi: “I hate to break it to you but we’re going to have to support John Murtha on this. He’s got seniority you know?” Suave: “PELOSI SIDES WITH MURTHA? WHAT THE F-” Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers.

Suddenly, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out and chokeslams ‘Th’ Old War Horse to the ground. Rogers looks down at Murtha. “Not any more,” he says and leaves.

Rough Justice is D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice. Ruff: “When it comes to protecting the American way of life, there’s no price that we shouldn’t be willing to pay. Nothing that we shouldn’t be willing to do to protect the American citizens.” Justice: “When you break the law or threaten the American way of life, nothing is off the table. I repeat…” Justice steps back on opens the curtain to reveal Gina Ramsey, still tied to a chair and gagged, being forced to listen a neverending loop of Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from the Titanic movie causing great emotional anguish and distress to the former BCEW CEO. Justice: “…nothing is too extreme.” Suave: “OH, FOR PETE’S SAKE! SHE’S NOT THE ENEMY!”


Rudy is behind the wheel of a car that comes up to an intersection. Rudy: “Now, I can either take a hard left turn…or…I can go straight.” Rudy then whips the steering wheel right and drives the car off the road and into a house. Rudy: “But even though there’s no road and there’s a free standing building blocking the way, I make the right turn. That makes me…hardcore conservative. I’m hardcore conservative!...”

Hillary continues to intone to the enthralled gathering, totally looking like a ruthlessly cold, Borg-type creature. A young girl wonders away from her mother in a hallway and opens up a door, finding a woman with Borg-type makeup on her face talking into a big microphone. Young Girl: “Mom! It’s Hillary Clinton!” Hillary notices the young girl and says, “Pay no attention to the woman speaking into the microphone. Move along…nothing to see here…”

MATCH #5 THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (Political Pitbull James Carville, Peacenik of the Green World Order, Union Jac, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher, and DLC)
Queen Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean come to the ring to watch. Immediately, Peacenik sits in the middle of the ring and refuses to fight. Union Jac complains that BCEW is using a non-union referee in the match. Suave: “This ought to be interesting. The Progressive Alliance is a little thin with the exclusion of Triple R and the injury to Justin Sufferable.

The bell rings. Peacenik continues to offer up his non-violent protest while the other four men crash into each other. Union Jac chops Attorney Felcher down. Union Jac then lifts Felcher up as if to hit a delayed vertical suplex but the Political Pitbull Carville bites him on the leg and he drops the attorney. DLC tries to chop Union Jac but trips over Peacenik in the middle of the ring. Carville comes in and shows DLC how it’s really done and gets 2 on Union Jac. Carville goes for a fall away slam on Felcher but Union Jac chokes him from behind with his work belt and hits a Working Class uppercut for 2.

Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) and Senator Mike Gravel race down but Pelosi, Reid, and Dean blocks him from getting to the ring. Suave: “There’s a big commotion outside the ring! Senator Gravel is demanding that Triple R should be allowed to get into the ring but they won’t let him.” The conflict distracts Carville allowing Union Jac to sneak in and hit a vertical suplex for 2. Union Jac immediately questions the count to the referee. DLC is distracted by Triple R long enough for Attorney R Felcher to hit the head scissors takedown on him. Felcher hits a hurricanrana on DLC for 2. Carville hits a low blow from behind on Felcher sending him to the canvas. DLC and Carville doubleteam Felcher until Union Jac rams into them. Union Jac covers Felcher but again gets a 2. Union Jac jumps up and gets in the referee’s face. Union Jac: “We need a union referee here to do the job right!” DLC slips in behind Union Jac and rolls him up into small package. 2 count. Carville then covers DLC. 2 count. Suave: “NO ONE CAN GET A CLEAR ADVANTAGE! WHO’S GOING TO-……WAIT A MINUTE! TRIPLE R JUST BUSTED THROUGH AND HE’S IN THE RING!”

The crowd rises as Triple R throws DLC out of the ring. Then Political Pitbull Carville. Suave: “HE’S CLEANING HOUSE!” Next, Felcher goes flying over the top rope leaving Union Jac and Peacenik. Gravel throws in a chair and Triple R clubs Union Jac over the head with it. Then for good measure, Triple R nails Peacenik with it and covers. Referee hesitates. Triple R goes ballistic and drills the referee in the face with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE REFEREE IS OUT! NOW WHAT?” Triple R his Union Jac again and then throws him out of the ring. Then he drags an unconscious Peacenik and dumps him onto the floor. Suave: “NOW WHAT? NO REFEREE. TRIPLE R HAS SINGLEHANDEDLY TAKEN OUT ALL FIVE OF THE COMPETITORS! WHAT DOES THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE DO NOW?”

Gravel throws a mic to Triple R who in turn demands to be declared the winner. Pelosi, Reid, and Dean confer. Pelosi then enters the ring. Suave: “WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO?” Pelosi holds up Triple R’s arm. Suave: “IT’S TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY! HOLY CRAP!”


There’s a knock at the door inside a dimly lit room. Someone, presumably one of the members of Rough Justice, gets up and answers it. It’s Dick and ‘The Mastermind.’ Dick: “Is she still here?” The figure nods affirmatively and motions to someone. Dick: “Good. We need to keep her here through the BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 pay per view. Once we reestablish George W’s control over BCEW, then we let her go. Got it?” The figure nods again. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove points to his temple to again signify to everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. Dick: “What are you doing with her?” Voice: “Oh. Nothing much.”

Cut to Gina, still tied to the chair and gagged, listening to a montage of Rosie O’Donnell rants from the television show ‘The View’, highlighted with her on-air spat with co-star Elisabeth Hasselbeck from earlier in the week. Suave: “THAT’S NOT RIGHT! NO ONE SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO THAT! IT’S INHUMANE!”

MATCH #6 THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (Starz N. Stripes, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad, Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and Neal Conn.)
Suave: “The final spot in the three-way dance next week for the BCEW World Title. Who will it be? The former Rookie Sensation-Starz N. Stripes? Rev. Robertson of the God Squad- still grieving over the death of his tag team partner- Rev. Falwell? Big Oil- rolling in the dough right now with the gas prices so damn high? The money and Kirk Herbstreit loving Kirk Walstreit? Or Neal Conn- dedicated to the advancement of low taxes, social conservatism, and protecting the natural interest home and abroad.”

George W, Dick, Karl Rove come down to ringside to watch. The bell rings and all five men cautiously circle around the ring. Starz attacks Rev. Robertson as Kirk Walstreit immediately has a ladder thrown into the ring. Neal Conn baseball slides into the ladder and Walstriet is down. Starz gets an Enziguri to Rev Robertson while Conn and Walstreit fight over the ladder. Big Oil hung off to the side out of the fray. Conn tosses the ladder in the corner, but misses a spin kick and gets thrown into the ladder. Starz slams Rev Robertson into the corner and hits a moonsault! Rev. Robertson bails from the ring. Slingshot cross body by Starz to Robertson on the floor. Starz and Conn lock up and Starz delivers a nice head scissors. Tries another, but Conn blocks it and he bails from the ring. Scoop slam by Big Oil as he finally decides to get into the action. Then he goes up top but Starz crotches him. Starz climbs up the ladder, but Big Oil pushes the ladder to the side and Starz flies to the floor. The crowd chants: “BCEW…BCEW!”

Big Oil then resets the ladder and Walstreit missile drop kicks it into Big Oil’s face. Starz somehow climbs back in and goes after Big Oil. Big Oil avoids him and face jams Starz onto the ladder. Conn sneaks in, picks up the ladder, and goes Terry Funk as he spins around with the ladder on his shoulders and clears the ring! Starz gets back into it and spears him to the corner. Then he goes back after Big Oil again. Rev Robertson DDT’s Walstreit and then sets him up on the ladder and leg drops him. Texas Tex throws Big Oil a steel-folding chair and he immediately slams it over Walstreit’s head. Then Big Oil clocks Neal Conn and Rev. Robertson and sends them both flying out of the ring. Out of nowhere, Starz drop kicks the chair into Big Oil’s face and sends him tumbling down.

Starz goes up on top again. Suave: “He’s going for a big splash…BUT TEXAS TEX PUSHES HIM OFF!” Starz hits hard on the canvas. Suave: “Three men down in the ring. The other two down outside.” Big Oil gets up first and directs Texas Tex to set up two tables on the outside. Then he lifts up Kirk Walstreit. Suave: “OH, NO! HE’S GOING TO ALASKAN PIPELINE HIM OUTSIDE THE RING THROUGH THE TABLE!” Big Oil sets him on the top turnbuckle and then clotheslines Walstreit off the turnbuckle through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd: “HOLY S#$#! HOLY S#$#! Big Oil next drags up Starz N. Stripes. Suave: “IF HE DOES THE SAME THING TO STARZ N. STRIPES, BIG OIL WILL WRESTLE NEXT WEEK FOR THE BCEW TITLE!” Big Oil places Starz on the corner turnbuckle as Texas Tex moves the table into position. Suave: “HERE HE GOES…” The crowd cheers as someone races to the ring. Suave: “HERE COMES MIKE THE MECHANIC!” Mike reaches in and trips up Big Oil as he starts to charge towards Starz. Mike beats on Big Oil until the big guy tosses him off. Two seconds later, Big Oil hits a devastating Alaskan Pipeline on Mike the Mechanic and sends him flying out of the ring hard into the steel guardrail. Suave: “HOLY CRAP. HE’S DEAD. HE HAS TO BE.” Texas Tex gets on the mic. “HOW DARE YOU,” he screeches down at the everyman, Mike the Mechanic. “HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE ON BIG OIL! YOU ARE A MERE FLYSPECK ON THE GREAT WINDSHIELD OF THIS COUNTRY! YOU HAVE NOTHING!” Suave: “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? WHAT THE F-” The Def Leppard “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” song blares again and out comes Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S WTF AND HE’S GOT TEXAS TEX ON HIS RADAR!”

Texas Tex tries to back away but WTF picks him up and chokeslams him through a table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S DEAD!” Hack’s crowd: “HOLY S@#$! HOLY S@#$!” Big Oil starts to climb out of the ring but Starz shoots out of nowhere and low-blows him. Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot busts a steel-folding chair over Big Oil’s head. Suave: “ROLL-UP BY STARZ…THAT’S IT! STARZ N. STRIPES WINS AND WILL WRESTLE FOR THE BCEW TITLE NEXT WEEK AT BCEW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3!” Starz stands tall in the ring amidst the carnage around him. Suave: “WE’LL BE LIVE AT OL’ MAN HANSON’S BARN NEXT WEEK!”

The main events for BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3:

BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Drunken Luchador’s Dan and Don Martini (Independent) defends their title against The Green World Order- Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance)
BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: “Defense Expert” Hallie Burton (American Patriots) defends her title versus “Empress Queen of the Media World” Opal Winfree w/Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance)
BCEW WORLD TITLE MATCH: Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) (Progressive Alliance) vs. Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers (Independent)


‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic w/ Sheila the secretary (Independent) vs. Big Oil w/Texas Tex (American Patriots)

Sunday, May 20, 2007

5/18- BCEW Extreme Political TV

-Everyman Mike the Mechanic confronted the greed and power of Big Oil after they bragged about the outrageously high gas prices and got some back up from the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja
-Don Imus struck back against Corporate World
-Sports Entertainment Guru Seg McMann tried to give BCEW lessons in employee management with the usual bad results
-‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton defended her BCEW Women’s Title
-The tag team named Rough Justice debuted and poor Paris Hilton had to face the music.
-The Green World Order came within seconds of winning the BCEW Tag Team Title from the Drunken Luchadors when the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade jumped them and kept the GWO from pinning the champions.


Live from the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio, BCEW Owner Bubba Jackson comes out and announces a tribute to Rev. Falwell, who just passed away. Rev Falwell was one half of the pious pair, the God Squad with Rev Robertson. There is a three bell salute and then a quick showcase of Rev. Falwell’s most memorable moments in BCEW.

Rev. Falwell and Rev. Robertson hit the ring and confront Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie right after they ‘wardrobe malfunctioned’ Mike Powell of the FCC. Falwell commands them to put their tops back on. Paris tells the God Squad that ‘they’re hot and you’re not.’ Rev Robertson: “Fine, have it your way.” He raises a bible in the air. Rev. Robertson: “Behold the good book!” Rev. Falwell: “Hereth the word of the Lord.” Rev. Robertson: “And we shall smite down the wicked and corrupt!” *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE GOD SQUAD JUST CLOBBERED THE SRB OVER THE HEADS WITH…BIBLES!” The SRB drop to the canvas and both Rev’s swing around. The crowd booed as they wrapped the ribbons, normally used as a bookmark in the bible, around the throats of the SRB. Suave: “NOW, WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! THEY’RE CHOKING THE SRB WITH THE BIBLES! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!”

Rev. Robertson then handed Rev. Falwell a paddle. The boos immediately stop. Suave: “Hey? What’s he doing with that?” Rev. Falwell drapes Paris over his knee and begins to spank her. Crowd cheers. Crowd: “BCEW! BCEW!” Suave: “Okay, this is better.”


Suave: “Yeah, we’re going to miss him. Things won’t be quite as…extreme here without the Rev. Falwell. Rest in peace.”


‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, Peacenik, Greenpete, and Peta from PETA stand behind a banner that reads ‘GWO.’ Lee hails the recent decision by the Movie Ratings Board to take the amount of smoking in a movie into consideration when determining the rating for a film. Greenpete: “Since you people are too stupid and ignorant to boycott movies that glamorize smoking, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands and do the thinking for you.” Lee agrees and then goes on to say that the ‘fat slobs’ out there who gorge on trans-fats are next. Peta from PETA: “Any movie that has people eating meat should be rated X…X…X!” Peacenik: “Any movie that depicts violence of any sort should be banned.” Greenpete again states that the ordinary person is just too stupid to think for themselves. Lee: “That’s why we’re here. We’ll think for you.”

Greenpete then says that’s the reason they should get to wrestle the Drunken Luchadors for the BCEW Tag Team belts at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 in two weeks and not ‘those, redneck hicks Locke and Loade.

BCEW host Johnny Suave: “Another uplifting rant from the Green World Order.” Suave muses about whether the GWO deserves to get the title shot instead of the number one contenders for the tag team belts- the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. Suave: “I’m sure Interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey will have something to say about the tag team title picture.”


Paris Hilton is in the ring, smoking a cigarette. The crowd chants “JAIL-BIRD!” Paris: “SHUT UP!” She tells the crowd they’re all jealous and then complains that she’s emotionally distraught at the prospect of going to jail. Suave: “That’s right. Last week, Rough Justice arrested her for breaking probation and a judge sentenced her to 45 days in jail.” Paris says that it’s unfair and she’s being singled out because she’s hot and everyone else is not. She claims to be traumatized.

Paris then calls out her publicist Elliott Mintz and he slowly comes to the ring, head down and smoking a cigarette. Elliott takes the mic and takes the blame for the whole mix up. Mintz: “It’s all my fault and I’m sorry.” Paris accepts the apology. Paris: “But still, I’m a star and you’re not and you know what that means?” Elliot nods and then Paris kicks him in the balls. The bell rings.

MATCH #1 PARIS HILTON of the Skanky Rich Bimbos vs. ELLIOTT MINTZ (Fall guy)
Mintz crumples to the canvas as Paris shrieks at him. She stomps away at him with her razor sharp heels and quickly busts him open. Mintz somehow pulls himself up. Paris pushes him down and gives him a ‘bronco-buster’ type move in the corner. Suave: “COOTCHEE CUTTER! COOTCHEE CUTTER!” Mintz falls to the canvas again. The other member of the SRB, Nicole Richie, runs in smoking a cigarette. Suave: “Hmmm. Do I suspect a trend here?” Richie whaps Mintz with her purse and then leans Mintz in the corner. Then both Nicole and Paris whip off their tops. Suave: “YES! DOUBLE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! DOUBLE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!”

Overwhelmed, Mintz falls. Paris covers. Match over.


Suave: “God, I never get enough of that move!”

Kathy Hilton comes to the ring and whispers in Paris’s ear. Paris helps Elliot up. Paris: “Elliott, you can have your job back.” Suave: “O-kay. Then what was that all about?” Kathy Hilton gets on the mic and tells everyone that she knows ‘people in high places.’ The crowd again chants back: “JAILBIRD! JAILBIRD!” Kathy Hilton: “There’s no way in hell Paris is spending one day in jail! Governor Terminator will see to that!” Suave: “Kathy Hilton playing the Governor Terminator card. Will the Governor pardon Paris Hilton?”


Suave, in between puffs from a cigarette, then announces that BCEW Interim CEO Gina Ramsey has struck a deal with the Progressive Alliance, the American Patriots, and the Independents to hold three five-way dances next week during the BCEW Political War cable show on P-SPAN to determine who will fight for the BCEW World Title at the upcoming Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 pay per view.


In the back, Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) manically paces back and forth. Triple R: “This is bull$@#@!” He mutters to himself about ‘working his way back up the ladder.’ Triple R tips a table over in the back. Triple R: “I SHOULD BE PARTICIPATING IN THE THREE-WAY DANCE NEXT WEEK! NOT WRESTLING SOME SCHMUCK WITH A PROSTHETIC NOSE!” Triple R stomps out of the room and pushes down a ring worker.

The GWO walk past Triple R and they look angry. Greenpete: “What the hell is up with everyone smoking tonight?” Lee: “I don’t know, but we’re marching into Gina Ramsey’s office to put a stop to it.”


MATCH #2 TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) (Progressive Alliance) vs. SNOTT FLEMMSTEIN (Independent)
Triple R shoves people out of the way as he stalks toward the ring. Suave: “Step one for Triple R. He faces the cagey and unpredictable Snott Flemmstein.” The referee,motions for the bell and the match begins. Triple R charges across the ring and eats a series of hocked, loogie, phlegm balls from Flemmstein. Triple R stops and wipes the phlegm off his face. Enraged, he again goes after Flemmstein. Flemmstein’s outrageously large prosthetic nose shoots out a stream of green and brown snot that coats Triple R. Suave: “WOW! Triple R doesn’t know what to make of Snott Flemmstein.” Shaking his head with ‘snot’ dripping off of him, Triple R snaps and lunges at Flemmstein. Triple R rips the prosthetic nose off of Flemmstein’s face and pummels him. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S LOST IT!” Triple R exits the ring briefly to throw a steel folding chair in and then proceeds to whap Flemmstein repeatedly with it. Triple R jumps out of the ring and rips the cigarette out of Suave’s mouth. Suave: “HEY!” He slides back into the ring and goes for Flemmstein. Suave: “What is he doing…HOLY CRAP! HE’S BURNING SNOTT FLEMMSTEIN WITH THE CIGARETTE!”

Finally, Triple R covers and gets the pin.


Suave: “Triple R gets a win as he tries to get himself back in the title picture.”


The GWO flood into Gina Ramsey’s office. Lee: “We’re here to complain about-” Gina, smoking a cigarette, looks up at them. The GWO are shocked and totally offended. Peta: “You haven’t heard the last of this!” They storm out of the office.

After the GWO is gone, Gina starts coughing profusely and quickly puts her cigarette out. Gina (in between coughs): “Okay, memo to self. Never do that again.”


Suave: “All right, we’re about to find out whether or not Governor Terminator is going to pardon Paris Hilton of the Skanky Rich Bimbos. If he doesn’t, Paris will have to go to jail for 45 days.”

Governor Terminator is in the ring with Paris and Kathy Hilton. Gov. Terminator: “Ladies and gentlemen, I really have more pressing issues to deal with to help the people of Col-lee-fornia. Therefore, in the matter of whether or not I will pardon Paris Hilton, I’ve got three words for you.” The Governor looks squarely in Paris’s eyes. Gov. Terminator: “Hasta la vista baby!” The crowd erupts with a standing ovation. Crowd chants: “You’re going to jail, you’re going to jail!” Paris looks stunned. Kathy is pissed. Suave: “That’s it! You’ve heard it here. Paris Hilton is going to jail!”


The Green World Order meet backstage with two uniformed police officers. ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee demands that they arrest everyone in the building who violated Ohio’s new statewide smoking ban. The two officers look at each other and wickedly grin. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S NOT THE REAL POLICE! THAT’S ROUGH JUSTICE!” The first thing they do is march down to Interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey’s office. Gina is working at her desk when her door is kicked open. The Extreme Vegan points at her. Lee: “THAT’S HER! ARREST HER FOR MASTERMINDING THE GROSS VIOLATION OF OHIO’S NEW ANTI-SMOKING LAW!” Gina: “What the-” Ruff immediately rips her from the chair and slams her against the wall. Justice then handcuffs a dazed Gina and drag her out of the office. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! GINA RAMSEY ARRESTED BY ROUGH JUSTICE…FOR SMOKING? WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN…” Suave stops and realizes he still has a burning cigarette in his hand and an ashtray full of butts in front of him. Suave: “Ah…let’s go to the main event, shall we? Last week, everyman Mike the Mechanic got some help from the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja to pull off a big upset over the mammoth Big Oil. This week, will he be able to overcome the 6 foot 11, 335 pound powerhouse known as…Big Oil.”

Mike the Mechanic comes out with his lovely secretary, Sheila. Sheila drags a battery charger behind her.

Big Oil comes out with Texas Tex, who’s smokes a big stogie and pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash. Texas Tex: “We’re here to celebrate, y’all!” The crowd boos him. Texas Tex taunts the crowd. Texas Tex: “Oil prices are at an all time high. You people are making me rich beyond my dreams. Thank you!” Heavy boos now from the crowd. A @#$# you Tex chant starts up. Suave: “Yeah, I totally agree. #@#$ you!”

MATCH #3 BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Sheila the Secretary (Independent)
The referee, smoking a cigarette, calls for the bell but the match never gets underway. Suddenly, Rough Justice hits the ring and belts the referee. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THEY’RE ARRESTING THE REFEREE, TOO!” Ruff cuffs the referee and then chains him to a line of people that includes: Paris Hilton of the Skanky Rich Bimbos, Kathy Hilton, BCEW Interim CEO Gina Ramsey, Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect, two ring technicians, several concession workers, most of the crowd… Suave: “THEY’RE ARRESTING EVERYONE!” Suave quickly hides the ashtray and any other evidence of his smoking earlier in the night. Suave: “Next week, it’s BCEW’s new cable show on P-SPAN. Will there be anyone left who’s not arrested? Oh, no. They’re coming over. HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! HOLY CRAP! HELLPPPPPPP!............”

Saturday, May 05, 2007

5/4- BCEW Extreme Political TV

-Former morning talk show host Don Imus apologizes for his comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team and was jumped by Snoop Dog and Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson)
-Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) is forced to completely redo an employee application to get his job back by interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey
-After telling the BCEW faithful that they should only use one piece of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom, special guest Sheryl Crow cost the Green World Order a victory when Greenpete fell over her and was pinned by Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect
-Union Jac & DLC of the Progressive Alliance and Big Oil & Kirk Walstreit of the American Patriots wrestle to a no-decision when Triple R, reinstated as a BCEW wrestler after completing his paperwork, runs in, Alec Baldwin runs in and berates the referee, gets maced by Gina Ramsey causing Kim Basinger to run in and attack Baldwin. Basinger then gets maced by Gina as well.


Big Oil (American Patriots), all 6-11, 335 pounds of him, cuts a promo with Texas Tex. Tex chomps on a big ol’ cigar and holds up a fistful of dollar bills in his hand. Big Oil again gloats about the sky high gasoline prices and the record profits the oil companies are making. “We’re rolling in the dough and there’s nothing you can do about it!”- Big Oil. Texas Tex grins and wipes his face with a hundred dollar bill. Big Oil continues on, stating that the American people are addicted to their cars and they’ll pay any price to do it. “If you can’t afford to pay, you don’t get to pay” Texas Tex says, mocking lower income people who can’t keep up with the rising prices.

Mike the Mechanic- the everyman, comes out with his sexy secretary Sheila. Mike, wearing overalls and pulling a battery charger, confronts the much taller Big Oil. Mike tells him it’s a crime that big oil companies are making record profits at a time where gas prices are at all time highs. “It’s morally reprehensible!”- Mike the Mechanic. Mike then says that Big Oil should be ashamed of themselves. Both Big Oil and Texas Tex laugh and attempt to dismiss the mechanic. Mike gets mad and pushes Big Oil. Texas Tex warns him not to do that again. Mike shoves Big Oil again and then eats a killer clothesline.

BCEW announcer Johnny Suave shrieks that “it’s an impromptu match!” and the bell rings.

MATCH #1 BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC w/ Sheila the secretary (Independent)
Big Oil tosses Mike around like a rag doll to each corner of the ring. Power slam. Power slam again. Big Oil tosses Mike out of the ring. Texas Tex sets up a table and Mike is placed on it. Big Oil climbs the top turnbuckle and Sheila comes over with the battery charger and zaps Big Oil with the jumper cables. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil topples down into the ring. Mike stumbles back into the ring and covers. 1……2……th-

Suddenly Kirk Walstreit, Starz N. Stripes, and Neal Conn hit the ring and stomp away at Mike. BCEW women’s champion Hallie Burton puts Sheila into a full nelson. Walstreit rolls Big Oil over Mike for the cover. 1……2……th-

Music hits and the referee stops the count.

(sung to the tune of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song)
Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja
Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja
Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja
Heroes with a six pack


Four extremely large men hit the ring and clean house. The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja are: Steve, 6-3 295, Frank 6-6 310, A.J. 6-1 225, and Tiny 6-7, 400 pounds. They move real fast for large men and they quickly even the odds. Steve uses a six pack of beer as numchuks and takes out the money, and Kirk Herbstreit, loving Kirk Walstreit. Frank uses an aluminum softball bat to separate Neal Conn from his senses. A.J.’s rifle-arm KO’s Starz N. Stripes. Big Oil gets up off the mat and gets a face full of the huge Tiny. Tiny lets out an earth moving, shock wave producing belch that knocks out Big Oil…and most of the first row. Tiny puts Mike the Mechanic on for the cover and gets the win.


Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to another edition of BCEW Extreme Political TV, this week live from the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.


Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson, dressed impeccably in very expense business suits) discuss the firing of one Don Imus. “Imus’s comments were so inflammatory and incendiary that it would have affected the bottom line if he was retained.” – Brantley. Wilson agrees. They toast their success when Imus runs in and blasts both businessmen over the head with a steel folding chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DON IMUS AND HE’S FIGHTING BACK!” Imus continues to whap Corporate World repeatedly with the chair, leaving the chair bent and dented. Imus pulls out something from his pocket and throws it on Brantley.

Suave: “WHAT? THAT’S A LAWSUIT! IT’S NOT OVER YET! IMUS IS FILING A 120 MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT AGAINST CORPORATE WORLD!” Imus flips both men off and leaves. “I KNEW IT! THIS IS IN HIS CONTRACT…” Suave then reads from Imus’s deal, "services to be rendered & are of a unique, extraordinary, irreverent, intellectual, topical, controversial and personal character & and & these components are desired by company and are consistent with company rules and policies." “SEE, I SAID THIS LAST WEEK! THAT’S WHY THEY HIRED IMUS IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Suave notes it’ll be interesting where this goes from here.


In the ring, Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin’ chief and Sports Entertainment Guru Seg McMann hoists up the EECW World Title he won the other night, much to the chagrin of old school EECW fans and most notably, the EECW oldtimers. McMann notes BCEW’s owner Bubba Jackson’s talent problems. A quick recap of Triple R’s (Road Ragin’ Randy) on-air firing, after he said publicly that he was going to take the BCEW title belt and throw it in the garbage on EECW, and subsequent rehiring by CEO Gina Ramsey.

McMann says that he has a different way to handle personnel issues and brings four of the EECW oldtimers to the ring: ‘The Heart and Soul of EECW’ Tommy Dreamboat, ‘The Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ Hack Sand-Mann, ‘DVD’ Don Claude Von Dammit, and ‘the dyslexic, apoplectic, apocalyptic wildman of EECW’ Zabu. McMann calls out the Oldtimers and dares them to repeat what they all said on EECW television last week to his face. DVD, Dreamboat, Zabu and Sand-Mann repeat their complaints about McMann trashing the legacy of Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin.’ Zabu again says nothing. “You want a piece of me?” McMann tells them. They all nod yes. McMann: “One of you will get a title shot against me next week, but that person has to win a Four-Way Extremely Extreme Battle!”

MATCH #2 EXTREMELY EXTREME BATTLE- ‘The Heart and Soul of EECW’ TOMMY DREAMBOAT, ‘The Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ HACK SAND-MANN, ‘DVD’ DON CLAUDE VON DAMMIT, and ‘the dyslexic, apoplectic, apocalyptic wildman of EECW’ ZABU.
DVD, Dreamboat, Sand-Mann, and Zabu look at each other. Then they look at McMann, who’s still in the ring. All four feign attacking each other and then DVD’s nearly decapitates Seg McMann with a spinning kick. Suave: “YES! THAT’S THE WAY, GUYS!” Sand-Mann Singapore cane’s McMann to death. Dreamboat then puts McMann in the corner and ties him to the ‘tree of woe.’ Zabu puts a steel-folding chair right by McMann’s face and Dreamboat baseball slides into the chair, smashing it against McMann’s face. Then Zabu grabs a chair and nails a ‘Pan Arabian Nights Facesmasher’ on McMann.

The camera zoomed in on Johnny Suave’s very satisfied and happy expression.


MATCH #3 BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON w/ Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove vs. SOCCER MOM w/ New Age Sensitive Guy
Soccer Mom is a member of Opal’s Flock- a group dedicated to the worship of the ‘Empress Queen of the Media World’ Opal Winfree. New Age Sensitive Guy is one of her flunkies.

The bell rings and Burton comes out and immediately establishes control in the match. Soccer Mom has trouble keeping up. New Age Sensitive Guy throws Soccer Mom a cookie sheet and a rolling pin. Soccer Mom attacks with the cookie sheet and catches Burton by surprise. Burton slammed to the steel railing. Lefts and rights by Soccer Mom. Cover for 2. They brawl back towards the and into the ring. New Age Sensitive Guy then tosses a kitchen trashcan into the ring. Finally, Dick grabs a chair and whaps New Age Sensitive Guy with it. Rove points to his temple to again, signify just how much of a freakin’ genius he is.

Burton puts the trashcan over Soccer Mom’s head and beats it with the chair. Cover for 2. Burton rips off the can and then nails her with the chair. Soccer Mom out. Burton covers and gets the win.




Suave smiles. “Ahhhh, yes. The sound of two of my favorite……ah, never mind. IT’S THE SRB- THE SKANKY RICH BIMBOS!” Paris Hilton and the new member of the SRB, Britney Spears, come out. Suave: “Gee. I wonder if she’s wearing panties tonight?” Spears sits on a chair and spreads her legs causing her mini, mini-skirt to hike up enough to answer the question. “Whew!” Suave says. “Thank goodness she’s wearing them.” Hilton introduces Spears as the third member of the SRB (the other member is Nicole Richie). Hilton promises a provocative dance routine when two ‘officers’ show up.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S ‘ROUGH JUSTICE!’ Rough Justice is D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough and often over the top style of justice.

Ruff tells Spears to beat it. Justice tells Hilton ‘the party’s over.’ “You’ve flouted and disregarded the law long enough!”-- Conner Justice. Hilton reaches for the buttons of her shirt. Suave: “SHE’S GOING FOR HER FINISHER- WARDROBE MALFUNCTION……BUT NO!” Ruff grabs Hilton’s arms and handcuffs them behind her back. “YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO ME?” Paris wails. “I’M HOT…YOU’RE NOT!” Spears then appears to reach for her finisher- Goin’ Commando. Justice tasers her and then gets on the mic. He warns everyone that there’s a new sheriff in town and a new style of justice in BCEW. Conner Justice: “If anyone steps out of line, they’re going to have to face- Rough Justice!”

With that, Ruff and Justice drag Hilton away and leave Britney in a heap.

Suave: “This is terrible. What’s going to happen? Is Paris Hilton going to jail? What about the SRB? And who is this Rough Justice tag team anyways?


MATCH #4 GREENPETE & ‘The Extreme Vegan’ BROCK COLE LEE of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, DRUNKEN LUCHADOR’S DON AND DAN- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)
Greenpete and Lee are accompanied to the ring by their GWO compadres Peta from PETA and Peacenik. Lee rails against the abhorrent behavior exhibited by the tag team champs and demands they quit drinking. Peacenik rails against the violence in BCEW and turns his back on the match.

The champs partake in their traditional pre-match ritual of swigging down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then breaking the empty bottle over their head. Suave: “It’s not traditional by any stretch, but hell, they’re the champs.”

The bell rings and Greenpete charges at Don Martini. Don stumbles out of the way and Greenpete clotheslines himself on the top rope. Don then climbs up on the corner turnbuckle, loses his balance, and then puts himself through a table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Brock Cole Lee then stomps away at Don outside the ring. Greenpete climbs the corner turnbuckle. Dan slips in the corner and grabs the top rope, causing enough movement for Greenpete to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top of the turnbuckle. Greenpete tumbles backward off the turnbuckle into the ring. Peta jumps into the ring and slaps Dan and kicks him in the balls. Suave: “Not looking good for the champions so far.”

Greenpete hauls an unconscious Don back into the ring. Suave: “He’s going for the cover…NO! WAIT! WHO? YES! IT’S THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE!” Gary Locke and Earl Loade race down and break up the 3 count. Locke whips Greenpete into the corner. Loade launches himself through the ropes and spears Brock Cole Lee into the steel guardrail. Loade throws Locke a bullrope to use on Greenpete. Peta shrieks and grabs a mic. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” She leaps on Locke’s back and scratches him. Locke flips her over his head and she lands flat on the canvas. Loade grabs Greenpete and he and Loade deliver a devastating ‘Redneck 4-D Deathblast.’ Locke: “HEY Y’ALL! WE’RE THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS! WE GOT SCREWED OUT OF OUR TITLE SHOT BY THE GREEN WORLD ORDER! WE’RE HERE TONIGHT TO DELIVER SOME RETRIBUTION!” Loade takes the mic next. “WE WANT OUR TITLE SHOT!”

Suave: “The Flyin’ Martini Brothers are out. The Green World Order has been destroyed by the rampage of the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. They want their title shot! Will they get it? We’ll find out next……HOLD IT! WE’VE GOT BREAKING NEWS!”


Paris Hilton faces a judge. Judge: “You must go to jail on June 5.” Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Judge: “You will not be allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail.” The judge then tells her to report to the jail by the set date - or face 90 days behind bars. Suave: “Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days?” The camera zooms in on Rough Justice who high five each other. Suave: “Something tells me we’re going to hear more from these guys.”

Suave announces the new cable show premieres in two weeks and next week we once again start down the road of naming a new BCEW Champion. “Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 at the end of the month!”--Johnny Suave.