Tuesday, February 27, 2007

2/27- BCEW At War- Part 2


A close-up of BCEW CEO George W opens the show. George W: In the six years that I’ve been the CEO of BCEW, you’ve seen me to a lot of extreme things. Last time of BCEW Extreme TV, Seg McMann found out for himself just how extreme I can be.” A video feature the airs showing the BCEW ‘invasion’ by A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and the ‘Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes at an Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin’ show in retaliation for the sneak attack that severely injured the BCEW Champion Justin Sufferable and former champ ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido.


The video shows A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb breaking up the three count by EECW World Champion Bobby Lashaway on EECW Oldtimer Tommy Dreamboat. A livid Seg McMann tries to go after N-Bomb and gets clocked in the head by the former Mastermind of EECW, Paul Hayman. A-Bomb and H-Bomb hit double chair shots on Lashaway and then Dreamboat covers for the three count.

BCEW announcer Johnny Suave opens the show from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio, saying the BCEW delivered a measure of payback for the injuries to Sufferable and Escondido. Then the mariachi band that usually precedes the entrance of the CEO of BCEW, George W, shows up playing its usual crappy version of ‘Hail to the Chief.’ George W comes out and makes his way to the ring, riding high after the success invasion and defeat of EECW. Queen Nancy Pelosi and Pith Lord Harry Reid of the Progressive Alliance along with the Mastermind Karl Rove and George W’s aide de camp, Dick, trail behind the CEO. W hails the victory as a triumph over the corporate influence over wrestling and then brings out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, and Starz N. Stripes who receive a hero’s welcome. W thanks the wrestlers and then Pelosi and Reid for their support in standing up for BCEW. George W: “This is a great moment in BCEW-”

Seg McMann’s face appears on the big screen TV. McMann, pissed off that the EECW Oldtimers were put over his wrestlers by the BCEW invasion, proposes that BCEW and EECW have a joint pay per view and solve their dispute inside the ring. Pelosi and Reid, who before were very supportive with George W, suddenly seem pensive. McMann: “Let’s see you put your best against my best. Your vision against my vision. I’ll give you until the end of this show to respond. Suave: “McMann challenges BCEW to a war! Will George W accept? Can BCEW defeat the forces of Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling? Let’s ask Judge Larry Seidlin.” Judge Seidlin appears on the big screen TV. Seidlin, choking back tears, implored BCEW to “…come together for the sake of *sob* BCEW. I want…*sniff*…I want…” Seidlin then breaks down until someone comes up with an offer for him to host his own show and he leaves.

Media Mogul and Hollywood Left member David Geffen’s turn on Hillary Clinton airs. Geffen calls former BCEW CEO Bill Clinton a ‘reckless guy’ who ‘gave his enemies lots of ammunition to hurt him.’ Geffen then comes out and cuts a promo on Hillary. Geffen: “Everyone in politics lies. But they do it with such ease it’s troubling.” Geffen adds that his new pal, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, is ‘inspirational’ and that he’s sick of seeing Political Pitbull James Carville of the Clinton Cabal on television and called Hillary Clinton ‘polarizing and dishonest.’ This, of course, brings out the Clinton Cabal. Carville and Political Pitbull #2 Terry McAuliffe. McAuliffe tells Geffen he’s either ‘with us or against us!’ Carville tells Geffen to get his ass in the ring and they’ll settle this right now. Geffen, outnumbered, tries to back away but McAuliffe nails him from behind.

Hillary comes out and tsks…tsks… Hillary: “I sure hope that members of the Progressive Alliance don’t participate in wrestling politics of personal destruction.” As Hillary talks about bringing everyone together, Carville and McAuliffe double team Geffen. McAuliffe waffles Geffen with a steel-folding chair while Carville goes out and throws a table into the ring. Carville then drags Geffen to the corner. McAuliffe climbs the corner turnbuckle. Carville lifts Geffen up to his partner. Suave: “I don’t know what they’re doing, but I think they’re trying to draw “The Natural” Barack Obama into the fray.” McAuliffe then slams Geffen through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Carville again drags Geffen up and…THEY’RE GOING FOR THE PPD! THE POLITICAL PERSONAL DESTRUCTOR!” Suave turns to Hillary. “HOW THE HELL CAN YOU’RE AGAINST THE POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION WHILE YOUR GOONS ARE TRYING TO DESTROY DAVID GEFFEN!” Hillary: “I think we should stay focused on what we’re going to do for BCEW-” Suave: “BARACK OBAMA IS HERE!”

‘The Natural’ Barack Obama appears and holds up a check for 1.3 million dollars. Carville and McAuliffe stop beating up on Geffen and dare Obama to get into the ring. McAuliffe grabs a microphone and tells Obama that he should ‘return the check and repudiate what Geffen said about Hillary.” Suave: “Oh, please.” Obama calmly responds by telling the Clinton Cabal: “I’m not going to get in the middle of a disagreement between Hillary Clinton and David Geffen, someone who was once one of Hillary’s bigger supporters.” The crowd erupts with a ‘BCEW’ chant. Carville and McAuliffe continue to try to get Obama to get into the ring with them. Obama shakes his head no and points at Hillary. “You had no problem with David Geffen when he raised 18 millions for you and slept in the Lincoln bedroom and you shouldn’t have a problem with him now.” Suave: “WOW!” ‘The Natural’ then smiles and leaves, infuriating the Political Pitbulls who continue to demand that Obama get in the ring with him.

Suave: “It looks like ‘The Natural’ may have got the better of Hillary Clinton during their first real skimish. Stay tuned.”

BCEW CEO George W sits behind his desk and ponders whether or not to accept Seg McMann’s challenge. W’s aide de camp, Dick, argues they have a huge chance to strike a blow against the influence of corporate wrestling. W listens to The Mastermind Karl Rove also make the case to take out Seg McMann and the forces of Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling.

Nancy Pelosi asks for input from the Progressive Alliance. Joe Lieberman speaks up- he’s for it. ‘The Massachusetts Blueblood’- JFK drones on with a long, convoluted, and tortured explanation of why he’s reluctantly supporting action against EECW. Peacenik from the Green World Order denounces the plan. Peacenik: “The Green World Order stands against this violence for violence’s sake……unless it suits and forwards our cause. Then it’s okay.”

Suave: “Van Halen reunion? With David Lee Roth? HOLY CRAP! I never thought I’d see that again.” Roth, Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, and Wolfgang Van Halen stand on a stage. Suave: “This is freakin’ awesome!” Roth preens. Eddie stews. Eddie finally whips out his guitar and bashes DLR over the head with it. Then he leaves.

Suave: “Well. So much for that.”

Dick is visited by the debuting beauty and defense contractor, Hallie Burton. Hallie presses Dick on whether or not BCEW will take on EECW. Dick not only assures her that BCEW WILL take on EECW but tells Hallie that she will have a ‘prominent’ role in the show.

Triple R and Arianna Huffington rail against the ‘lies’ of the American Patriots in rushing BCEW into a war with EECW. Hillary Clinton and John Edwards come out in support of taking action even though they bring up concerns about a small wrestling promotion taking on a well-funded corporate organization such as EECW.

Intelligence Guy George Tenet tells George W it’s a ‘slam-dunk’ that BCEW can defeat EECW.

MATCH #2- TRIPLE R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance) vs. DLC (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “DLC is supported by Hillary Clinton and other moderates within the Progressive Alliance. Triple R and Arianna think they’re not extreme enough.” Arianna gets on the mic and demands that Justin Sufferable forfeit the BCEW World Title. Triple R nods in agreement. Arianna: “He can’t wrestle and won’t be able to wrestle for at least a year. The least BCEW could do is give the title to someone worthy…someone like- Triple R.” The crowd follows with boos which only pisses off Triple R and he attacks DLC. Triple R hits him with lefts, rights, and then heaves DLC over the top rope out of ring. A fan hands DLC a frying pan and he whaps it over Triple R’s head. DLC sidekicks the ring stairs into Triple R. DLC then grabs a steel-folding chair and cracks it over Triple R’s back.

Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES THE LEFT WING BLOGGERS!” Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman rush in and clobber DLC from behind. Triple R and the Left Wing Bloggers stomp away at DLC. Suave: “They’re trying to make a statement- WAIT! IT’S THE CLINTON CABAL!” Political Pitbulls James Carville and Terry McAuliffe come to the rescue and an all-out brawl ensues.

Seg McMann’s face again appears on the big screen TV while the brawl moves towards the back. McMann calls out George W and says it’s time to choose.

George W’s mariachi band appears and leads the BCEW CEO down the aisle. Suave: “He’s coming out to answer the challenge of the so-called sports entertainment genius, Seg McMann!” W climbs into the ring followed by Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove. Rove points to his temple to remind us all that he’s a frickin’ genius. W takes the mic. George W: “Seg. I have just three words for you. BRING IT ON!”


Saturday, February 24, 2007

2/7- BCEW At War- Part 1

The live crowd starts the night off with a ‘BCEW…BCEW…’ chant. Announcer Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to the show, live from the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio. After introducing his broadcast partner, a life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain, Suave turns to the sneak attack on the BCEW world champion Justin Sufferable last time by Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling champion Bobby Lashaway.

A replay of the aftermath from the attack is shown. Sufferable, former champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, all three Bomb Brothers, and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) are all laid out by the invading EECW forces. Sufferable and Escondido hold their knees.

Suave: “Here’s the bad news. BCEW World Champion Justin Sufferable and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido both suffered serious knee injuries as a result of the dastardly, sneak attack on them by EECW at the direction of “Sports Entertainment Guy” Seg McMann. Both wrestlers will be out at least one year. BCEW’s top two wrestlers knocked out of action for a long period of time and we’re one month away from the next BCEW pay per view” The BCEW Hall crowd boos and a chant of ‘f$#$ EECW’ starts up. Suave: “Here’s worse news. BCEW received this message today…”

The clip appears on the big screen TV’s inside the BCEW Hall. The video shows Seg McMann sitting in a chair smirking. Seg: “Hello, suckers! You didn’t want to embrace my vision of sports entertainment. You mocked me and laughed when that donkey kicked me in the balls. Well, who’s laughing now? I just took out your two best wrestlers, the ‘twin towers of BCEW,’ so to speak. Your loss is Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling’s gain. Right, Bruce?” The president of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley, appears. Cooley: “That’s right, Seg. Tonight, you can see the debut of Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling on the Comic Book Channel!” More boos from the crowd.

Seg: “That’s right. Tonight, in this very ring, I will complete my takeover of EECW and finish overhauling it in my genius-driven image when the Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling champion Bobby Lashaway and EECW star Extremely Hardcore Holland take out the ‘Heart and Soul of EECW’ Tommy Dreamboat and the ‘Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ Hack Sand-mann and destroy the final vestiges of the old EECW tonight.” The screen goes black.

Suave: “Well. It can’t get much worse than this.” A big commotion breaks out in the back. Triple R (Road Rage Randy) pushes everyone out of his path as he and Arianna Huffington march to the ring. Suave: “Okay. I was wrong. It could get worse.”

Match #1- TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGE RANDY) w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance) vs. FUBAR
Triple R pushes the referee out of the way and starts to beat on poor FUBAR who’s……well, you know…FUBAR. Both men lock up and Triple R backs FUBAR in the corner and bashes his head into the turnbuckle...over and over. Then he chokes FUBAR on the bottom rope. FUBAR tries hitting some shots to the gut. Triple R hits a neckbreaker and then claws FUBAR's face. Arianna Huffington gets into the act with some elbows to the gut and helps Triple R deliver a double neckbreaker. Triple R with a sit down powerbomb. FUBAR’s toast. Roll up. 1-2-3.

WINNER: TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy)

Triple R grabs the microphone and demands that the BCEW title belt be placed on him as he is the only person left in BCEW who is worthy of it. He slams the microphone down and walks to the back. Suave: “Well, that was pleasant. While they’re scraping FUBAR out of the ring…hold on a second. Let’s go to the back.

Backstage, Arianna Huffington and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) confront Nancy Pelosi and demand that she hand over Justin Sufferable’s BCEW World Championship belt. Pelosi: “Not now.” Triple R tells her that Sufferable can’t wrestle and therefore must forfeit the belt- to him. Pelosi again tells Triple R that now is not the time and she has to go to the ring to appear with BCEW CEO George W in a sign of unity. Arianna becomes incensed. “How can you appear with him?” she screeches. “It was probably George W who planned this whole so-called ‘attack’ in the first place.” Pelosi: No matter what my issues are with George W and the American Patriots, this totally sucks. EECW didn’t just attack the Progressive Alliance, they attacked BCEW. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Pelosi walks away leaving Triple R and Arianna to stew.

Match #2- SCOOTER LIBBY VS. TIM RUSSERT w/Joe Wilson, guest referee
Suave: “Our feature match this week will be very interesting. I’m not sure just how partial Joe Wilson is going to be. The last time I checked, he’s still pissed off at Libby spilling the beans about his wife being a secret agent and all to Bob Novak.” The match doesn’t even get underway before Libby’s attorney comes out to the ring. He states he won’t allow the match to take place because Joe Wilson is biased against his client. The attorney and Wilson get into each other’s face and jaw at each other. He pushes Wilson out of the way, whips off his shirt, and then goes after Tim Russert. Suave: “What the hell is going on? The bell just rang!” Libby climbs out of the ring as his attorney and Russert lock up to start the match and Russert uses his weight advantage to back Libby’s attorney into the corner. They slug it out and then Libby’s attorney gets the advantage when he knees him in the gut. Then he goes on the offensive. Clothesline. Libby’s attorney then connects with a delayed vertical suplex. Libby’s attorney tries a D.C. Insider Slam, but Russert slips out and drops the attorney over the top rope. Libby comforts the attorney and he climbs back into the ring. Libby’s attorney aggressively throws Russert shoulder first into the ring post. Russert slips to the outside and Libby follows and tries to throws Russert into the outside ring post. Russert again can’t be pinned down and Libby’s attorney falls onto the steel steps.

Suave: “Wow! Scooter Libby’s attorney is throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Tim Russert. But Russert keeps shrugging it off.” Russert breaks the count and shoves Libby’s attorney into the ring apron. Then he lifts Libby’s attorney up and throws him back in the ring. Russert comes off the ropes and gets smacked in the face by Libby’s attorney who tries to go back on the offensive. He tries a reverse gut wrench and some shots to Russert’s back. Again, Russert slips away and whips the attorney into the corner. Libby’s attorney rushes out and gets booted. Irish whip by Libby’s attorney, Russert sidesteps him again and he runs into the turnbuckle. Russert locks in a single leg crab and then turns it into a modified STF. Using his weight advantage again, Russert rolls over and pancakes Libby. Suddenly Scooter Libby jumps in the ring and nails Russert from behind. Suave: “IT’S TWO ON ONE NOW AND RUSSERT’S OUTNUMBERED!”

Joe Wilson finally asserts himself into the match and tries to push Libby out of the ring. Libby pushes Wilson off the ropes and the former Ambassador runs into a belly-to-belly suplex by Libby’s attorney. Wilson is down. Winded, Russert takes his time and charges with a clothesline. He gets drilled with some punches and then Libby and his attorney hit a doubleteam huge back body drop. Libby slaps on the camel clutch and Russert tries to fight out. The problem is Russert is stuck in the middle of the ring. Suave: “This could be it!...Hold on!...IT’S VALERIE PLAME!” The crowd cheers as Plame slides in the ring behind Libby’s attorney and kicks him in the balls. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Libby’s attorney flops to the canvas. Libby breaks the hold on Russert and goes after Plame. He backs her into a corner and grabs her by the hair. Russert pulls himself up, sees Libby, and runs in and rolls him up from behind. Joe Wilson counts Libby out.


Libby and Libby’s attorney are furious after losing the match. Suave: “Scooter Libby and his attorney’s plan was to rattle the veteran Tim Russert. But like the claim that Niger was processing uranium, their hopes were unfounded.”

Backstage, the Green World Order comes up to Nancy Pelosi. Peacenik tells her that the GWO won’t support any retaliation against EECW. Greenpete castigates her for working with BCEW CEO George W on a proper response to the EECW attack. Peacenik again denounces any type of violence. Greenpete: “…unless it forwards our cause, of course.” Peacenik looks at Greenpete funny. Pelosi listens for a few seconds more and then leaves for the ring.

The off-key mariachi band playing a lousy version of ‘Hail to the Chief’ (which is actually an improvement believe it or not) BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, Queen of BCEW Nancy Pelosi, and Pith Lord Harry “Barth Rabidenious” Reid walk out together in a sign of solidarity. The wrestlers, Progressive Alliance, American Patriots, and the independents, also all come out together. The only exception is the GWO who stand apart from everyone else. George W addresses BCEW. He tells them that what happened to Justin Sufferable and “No Frills” Chris Escondido was despicable and no matter what side you’re on: American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, or Independent, when it comes to responding to this horrific event we’ll be all together.

Nancy Pelosi concurs. Pelosi: “We may not agree on much. But on this issue, we are behind the BCEW CEO George W.” Behind her “The Pro’s Pro Politician” Hillary Clinton and “The Natural” Barack Obama, both intending to attempt to become the next BCEW CEO in 2008, stand with W. On the American Patriots side, “Straight Shootin’” John McCain, “America’s Mayor” Rudy Giuliani, and the “Massachusetts Country Club Blueblood” Mitt Romney back George W as well.

George W: “You’ll notice there are a few wrestlers missing. After close consultation with Nancy Pelosi from the Progressive Alliance and Mitch “Senator Big Money” McConnell, I have brought back Don Rumsfeld to oversee our response to the EECW attack. They can run. But they can’t hide. I guarantee you that tonight, we will make ourselves heard!” With that, George W slams down the microphone and leaves the ring. Suave: “Strong words from the BCEW CEO. But I’m wondering. I saw Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama out there. Where’s John Edwards-”

Edwards suddenly appears and is led to the ring by two women. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! John Edwards is coming to the ring with two new valets. IT’S THE NASTY GIRLS! Amanda Marcotte and Melissa McEwen!” Edwards takes the microphone and tells the BCEW Hall audience that the rumors that his new valets may have said a few unkind things about the God Squad, calling them ‘Christofacists,’ is true. Edwards: “However. That’s not the way that I operate. I’ve made it clear to them that they’re not to incide the God-”
A voice calls out: “HOLD IT!” Suave: “Oh great. It’s Bill Donahue and the freakin’ God Squad.” Donahue, an honorary member of the God Squad, Reverend Robertson and Reverend Falwell come out. Donahue: “When Mel Gibson got drunk and made anti-Semitic remarks, he paid a price for doing so. When Michael Richards got angry and made racist remarks, he paid a price for doing so. ... But John Edwards thinks the same rules don't apply to him, which is why he has chosen to embrace foul-mouthed, anti-Catholic bigots on his payroll!” Edwards again defended his valets. “They gave me their word they, under no circumstances, intended to denigrate any church or anybody's religion and offered their apologies for anything that indicated otherwise. Right, ladies?” Amanda and Melissa both nod. Donahue, backed by Reverends Robertson and Falwell, calls the pair ‘brats’ and demands that Edwards fire them. Edwards refuses. Suave: “They apologized already. Let it freakin’ go…WHAT THE-!” The God Squad plus Donahue attack Edwards and his valets. Suave: “All right, I think that’s a little bit of an overreaction, don’t you?” Finally, both Pelosi and George W step in to break up the fracas. Pelosi: “Enough! This is not the time!” George W: “Agreed. Besides, I have it on good authority from Don Rumsfeld that something big is about to take place.”

Suave: “Wow! It’s a rare moment of unity between Nancy Pelosi and the BCEW CEO. Let’s go to that big screen TV…”

It’s Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin’ on the Comic Book Channel. Seg McMann is in the ring with the president of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley. McMann: “You see. When I’m done putting the final nail in the coffin of the old EECW, no one, I repeat, NO ONE, will ever question my ability to bring to you, the audience, the best damn sports entertainment product there is.” With Bruce Cooley nodding behind him in approval, McMann again claims that he knows what the audience wants and he’s going to give it to them.

With that, EECW champion Bobby Lashaway and his tag team partner, Extremely Hardcore Holland to take on the EECW Oldtimers Dreamboat and Sand-Mann. The match begins and Lashaway immediately starts to club Dreamboat who can’t, or is not allowed to, mount any bit of offense. On the other side of the ring, Extremely Hardcore Holland does the same thing with Sand-Mann.

Suave: “Great. This match is obviously nothing more than a glorified squash match to put over Seg McMann’s guys and destroy the last vestiges of EECW. What a freakin’ joke.”

Pelosi comes up to George W. and questions whether or not the strategy is working. W assures her it is. Pelosi: “How can you be so sure?” George W: “Let’s just say, I made a Northern Alliance.”

Lashaway power slams Dreamboat through a table while Holland gives an Alabama Wham! to Sand-Mann. Seg gets into the ring. McMann: “Finish it. Finish it NOW!” Lashaway covers and then all hell breaks loose.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A. TOM BOMB, HY DROGEN BOMB, NEWT TRON BOMB, AND STARZ N. STRIPES! They’re at the EECW show on the Comic Book Channel!” A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, and Starz hit the ring and break up the count. Seg McMann is livid. He’s about to go after N-Bomb when he feels a tapping on his shoulder. Suave: “HOLY, HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! IT’S THE FORMER MASTERMIND OF EECW! IT’S PAUL HAYMAN! HE’S HERE!” McMann turns pale white when he sees it’s Hayman. A-Bomb and H-Bomb hit double chairshots on Lashaway and put him on the canvas. Starz hits a suplex on Extremely Hardcore Holland and sets up N-Bomb for his finisher. Suave: “I’m sure as hell glad I’m here and not there!” Starz puts on a gas mask and N-Bomb sticks his ass in Holland’s face delivers the ‘Silent But Deadly.’ Half the crowd immediately pass out. Suave: “I guess the BCEW guys are used to N-Bomb’s gas.” Hayman backs Seg in the corner and gets out his phone. Not a tiny modern cell phone mind you, but a late 80’s vintage model that’s a lot bigger. “This is for trashing everything that we loved about EECW!” Hayman says and thens clocks him with the phone. A-Bomb drags Lashaway off the canvas and tells Dreamboat to deliver his finisher on him. Dreamboat hesitates but then delivers his Dreamboat DDT. A-Bomb tells him to cover. Dreamboat jumps on and A-Bomb makes the referee count out the pinfall.

The BCEW Hall crowd explode in cheers at the victory of the EECW oldtimers and the sweet revenge gained by BCEW over Seg McMann. “BCEW…BCEW!” chants the crowd. Suave: “They did it! They avenged the cheap, sneak attack launched on BCEW by Seg McMann’s goons last time. Will this be the end of it? Tune in next time and find out!”

1/17 BCEW Extreme Political TV

Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to another edition of BCEW Extreme TV as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW!” “We are live at the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio,” Suave says. “I am Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard next to me is a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave is interrupted by the Godawful, off-key mariachi band playing “Hail to the Chief.” Suave announces that the CEO of BCEW, George W, will be delivering his ‘State of BCEW’ speech tonight.

George W comes out with his aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. The rest of the BCEW roster files out and again takes their usual positions. The Progressive Alliance hang out on the left. The American Patriots on the right. And the independents somewhere in between.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” George W begins. “I am proud to announce that tonight, the state of BCEW is strong as it’s ever been.” The American Patriots immediately leap up and cheer. The Progressive Alliance don’t seem nearly as enthusiastic. W then states that he feels BCEW is well positioned to move forward in 2007 as a force in wrestling and politics. James Webb, the no BS, tell it like it is guy, says: “No it isn’t.” W ignores Webb and continues. “I believe that the policies and booking decisions that my team working in tandem with the BCEW Booking committee have made a difference in the product that BCEW presents,” W claims. Webb: “No it hasn’t.” W briefly stops and glares at Webb. “I look forward to working with the new BCEW Booking committee and the Progressive Alliance leadership to making BCEW even better. Webb: “No you don’t.” W snaps and tells Webb to stop commenting on his speech until after he’s done. Webb: “No I won’t.”

Suave jumps in. “I can tell you all about MY state of BCEW,” Suave says as George W and Webb continue to squabble. “Let’s go back to the last BCEW Extreme TV and an event I’ll never forget.”

The replay shows Sports Entertainment Guy, Seg McMann, and his daughter, Steffi, inside the ring with the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley.

“I think it’s time that someone joins my exclusive club I like to call- The Seg McMann ‘Kiss My Ass’s Ass’ club!” Cooley smiles and exclaims: “That’s more like it!” Steffi screeches about her father being the king of ‘sports entertainment. “He knows what you all want to see!” she claims. “He’s the genius of pro wrestling!” Suave announces that he’s about to be sick. Steffi then states that she should be writing BCEW because, like her father, she knows what’s best, she knows what the audience wants.” Suave retches. “Now, I’m definitely going to be sick.” Seg gets on the microphone and laments the fact that the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin could not be located. “But, thanks to my new friends, the Green World Order, I have a more than fitting replacement,” McMann sneers. Peta from PETA comes out first holding a leash. “How’s about you scumbags see just how inhumane putting a collar around a poor helpless animal really is!” she shouts and yanks on the leash. The manager of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina ‘Gigi’ Ramsey, still dressed in her festive and very sexy Christmas garb, stumbles out with a dog collar around her neck and her hands tied behind her back. “What in the world?” Suave says. Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Greenpete roughly push Ramsey over to Seg and the donkey. Bruce Cooley wrings his hands and smiles. “This is not right,” Suave declares and the crowd agrees with him. “I don’t care what Johnny Suave says,” McMann states. “In fact, after Gina joins my club, Johnny can be the next one.” Suave retorts: “When hell freezes over.” Seg lifts Gina’s chin with his hand. “Now!” he says. “I want you to think of me as Donald Trump and yourself as Miss USA Tara Conner. Like Mr. Trump, I am graciously allowing you a second chance here if you…do the right thing!” Seg places the mic in Gina’s face. “**** you!” she says defiantly. Peta yanks hard on the leash again and Greenpete blasts Gina in the back, causing her to drop to her knees. Seg then rants that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls. “HOLY…HOLY CRAP!” a shocked Suave says. “I…er…ow!”

Close up of Suave, grinning from ear to ear. “God, that’s great,” he says as the crowd again chants ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ George W tries to get his ‘State of BCEW’ speech back rolling again. Suave: “Nah. Let’s see that again.”

Seg tells Gina that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls.

“I can’t get enough of that,” Suave cracks. “Okay, that’s enough,” George W says. “I’m the CEO of BCEW and I’d like to finish my-”

Seg tells Gina that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls.

An angry George W points at Suave. “I SAID THAT’S E-”

Seg tells Gina that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls.

George W leaves the ring and stalks back to the locker room area. “There you go,” Suave says. “The CEO of BCEW upset about not getting the love and being rendered irrelevant.”


“It’s the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley,” Suave says. “He…well…he looks a little pissed off right now. I wonder why…oh…I know.”

“HO, HO, HO!” a voice says. Santa Claus appears again. “It’s that Nic Koteen again,” says Peta. “Take care of him.” Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee confront Santa. Both GWO members try to intimidate Santa into going to the back. Finally, Greenpete yanks off Santa’s beard. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells. “That’s not Nic Koteen. That’s A. TOM BOMB!” The crowd cheers. Both Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee look shocked. A-Bomb smiles and then motions to the back. Very quickly, The Bomb Brother’s sister and very well-endowed valet, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, leads Hy Drogen Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb out. “Now the odds are evened back up,” Suave observes. H-Bomb walks over to Seg McMann and gently nudges him. Seg falls over. Daisy Cutter-Bomb pulls Peta by the hair away from Gina. Steffi looks away briefly, giving Gina a chance to kick her in the groin with her sharp toed heeled shoes. Daisy grabs Steffi and puts her in a head lock. Then she delivers a double bulldog on the stage to both Peta and Steffi. Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee slowly retreat from the three Bomb Brothers. They bump into Bruce Cooley who has a deer in the headlights expression. Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee glance at each other and then at Bruce Cooley. They nod and push Cooley into the Bomb Brothers and make their escape. “Hang on,” Suave says. “The president of the Comic Book Channel has a big, big problem.” Frightened, Cooley tries to play the ‘I’m the President of the Comic Book Channel and you can’t touch me card.’ Cooley then backs up towards Gina, who’s still duct taped to the support beam. He gets close enough that Gina, displaying an amazing show of dexterity, is able to lift her legs in the air high enough to wrap them around Cooley’s neck. “She’s got him!” Suave cheers. “She’s got him!” Trapped, Cooley struggles to get free before the cumulative effects of the air being blocked take effect. Cooley drops to one knee allowing Newt Tron Bomb to come over and stick his ass in Cooley’s face. “Oh no,” Suave says. “Better get a gas mask on because it’s time for…UGH! OH MY GOD, SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” Cooley’s eyes roll up and when Gina releases him he collapses on the floor. “LYSOL!” Suave calls out. “ANYONE GOT LYSOL?”

The crowd boos as Cooley grabs the microphone from the extreme ring announcer Charlene Ann Beckworth. Cooley tells the crowd up to shut up. “I’m here tonight because what happened on ‘BCEW Politics Is War’ to not just me but a great wrestling legend, Seg McMann, is wrong!” More boos from the audience follows. “I’m replacing BCEW with a wrestling company that truly explains what ‘sports entertainment’ is supposed to be about. So as of this moment, BCEW Politics Is War is CANCELLED!”

“Cancelled?” Suave repeats, shocked.

“Cancelled!” Cooley confirms. Cooley then announces that Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling is taking BCEW’s place on the Comic Book Channel network! “F*** YOU BRUCE!” chants the crowd, not impressed one bit. “I have a special, special surprise for you tonight!”

What the hell?” Suave says. “Who could …wait a minute. That explains things…that explains a lot. Let’s go to replays from a few of our house shows over the past couple weeks.”

REPLAY MATCH #1- “THE NATURAL” BARACK OBAMA (Progressive Alliance) vs. MICHAEL HUNT OF “Guys With Unfortunate Last Names Given their First Name”)
Joining the match in process, Obama, has Hunt in the corner. “It looks like Obama is going to declare himself for the BCEW CEO Post in 2008,” Suave says. Obama slingshots Hunt across the ring and then suplexes him. “HE’S GOING FOR THE PIN!” Suave says. Obama covers and then Alice in Chains song “Man In the Box” blares over the sound system and Obama gets jumped from behind. “Is that someone from the American Patriots?” Suave asks. No. It’s the ‘Heart and Soul of Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin.’ Tommy Dreamboat. “WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?” Suave shouts……

McCain is dominating the match when suddenly Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” plays and the Extremely Extreme Corporate Hardcore Icon Hack Sand-Mann appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says. “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?”

Trump and O’Donnell brawl through the crowd over to the crows nest where Johnny Suave is broadcasting. Trump latches on to O’Donnell’s hair and drags her up a ladder to Suave’s broadcast position. “HE’S NOT GOING TO PUT ROSIE THROUGH A TABLE FROM UP HERE!” Suave says. Trump sets up O’Donnell when all of a sudden, the Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling champion Bobby Lashaway runs out and pushes both of them off the edge. Both Rosie and Trump crush the table set up below. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shauts.

Out comes Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestlers ‘Heart and Soul of EECW,’ Tommy Dreamboat, the ‘Extremely Extreme Corporate Hardcore Icon,’ Hack Sand-Mann, and the EECW champion Bobby Lashaway followed by a woman pushing a man in a wheelchair. The crowd quickly boos. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. “That’s Steffi McMann pushing her father ‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann in a wheelchair out to the ring?” Steffi grabs the mic and talks in an extremely extreme high pitched screeching voice over the jeering crowd. “SHUT UP!” “It was all a set up!” Suave says. “Sports Entertainment Guy Seg McMann was working for Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling all along!”

Bruce Cooley gets back on the mic. “Even though Seg can’t talk tonight because of his ‘extremely extreme’ injuries suffered a few weeks ago, he asked me to read this for him. Seg says that basically he doesn’t care whether you like his brand of wrestling or not. He knows what you guys want. I know what you guys want too. You want Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling instead of this ‘crazy extreme’ political nonsense.” Cooley pauses as the crowd lets him have it. “So, we’re going to give you a special treat tonight. A taste of what you’ll see on Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling!”

The audience boos even more.

Lashaway cuts a promo in the ring. “I am the…” Lashaway squints and tries to read the cue cards a scantily clad young lady holds up in front of him. “Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling champion!” Lashaway haltingly says, reading the cue cards in a monotone voice that cries out ‘I’m reading straight from a cue card!’ Lashaway then proceeds to challenge the EECW oldtimers to a one against two handicap match.

Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrestling announcer Joe Biles joins Johnny Suave at the desk. “Hello everyone,” Biles says. “I’m Joe Biles and you’d better hang on to your hats because it’s about to get ‘Extremely Extreme!’”

Suave is underwhelmed.

Suave explains that Lashaway is a product of a huge wrestling conglomerate and assigned to EECW. “Of course, this means that because the writers and producers of this huge wrestling conglomerate who have no appreciation or respect for the history of EECW will always put over their guy instead of the EECW guy.” Biles tries to dispute that, calling Lashaway the ‘Extremely Extreme Champion.’ “Yeah, right,” Suave retorts. “Hey look!” Biles exclaimed. “It’s Shelly Shelly Shelly! She’s so extremely extreme!” Suave: “All she does is take her clothes off. Big deal.” Biles: “But she’s extremely extreme!”

Lashaway comes out and with one finger pokes both Dreamboat and Sand-Mann in the chest and both men fall down as if they’ve been shot. Lashaway covers and wins the match. Then for no reason whatsoever, Shelly Shelly Shelly jumps into the ring and whips off her top.

“OH MY GOODNESS!” Biles shrieks. “GOD! WASN’T THAT EXTREMELY EXTREME?” Suave: “No.” Biles: “Yes it was. It was extremely extreme to the extreme!” Suave: “No. You know what’s really extremely extreme? Try sucking down two gallons of water in a short time without using the bathroom in order to win a stupid Wii game. That’s extremely extreme!” Biles: “But that can’t be really Extremely Extreme because we’re…extremely extreme! And we’ve got the corporate trademark to show it.” Suave: “Oh shut up. Just shut up already.”

MATCH #4 BCEW CHAMPION JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance) vs. LITTLE PAULIE with Big Paulie (Independent)
“Hey. It’s an actual match,” Suave quips after kicking Joe Biles out of his broadcast area. “Little Paulie is in the ring waiting for the BCEW World Champion……WHAT? Ladies and gentlemen. Something is going on backstage!”

Backstage, several stars of the huge wrestling conglomerate beat on BCEW Champion Justin Sufferable and other members of the BCEW roster including ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, Triple R (Road Rage Randy), all three Bomb Brothers and lay them out. “HOLY CRAP! They’ve destroyed the best of BCEW with a cheap Pearl Harbor job!” EECW Champion Bobby Lashaway sticks his face in the camera. “This is just the warning shot,” Lashaway says, again obviously reading his promo from cue cards. “You are…no match for Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin!”

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims. “The BCEW World Champion obliterated by a cheap EECW sneak attack! How will BCEW respond? Have they lost their spot on the Comic Book Channel? We’ll find out next time!”