Thursday, December 27, 2007

12/26 BCEW Christmas Extravaganza


BCEW TV announcer Johnny Suave: Last time on BCEW Extreme Political TV, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off through their respective wrestlers, Kathryn Randall Collins (Hillary) and the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal) with the Hollywood Left’s Music Diva Barbra Streisand and BCEW Women’s Champion Opal Winfree (Barack) and her flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy)…

Soccer Mom catches KRC with a back suplex from the apron to the floor and Opal covers for 2. Streisand kicks Opal and they fight to the ramp. The referee follows and this time allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to get a few cheap shots in on Collins. Carville and McAuliffe get involved. Barack grabs a chair and takes out the political pitbulls. Opal hits the spinning heel kick on Streisand and doubles back to cover KRC for 2. Collins blocks the brainbuster and hits an atomic drop on the ramp for 2. Hillary waves for help and out comes Sidney Blumenthal holding a ladder but Barack hits him with a superkick. The distraction allows Opal to DDT KRC on the floor. Ref counts. Match over.

Suave: Big Oil and Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots were supposed to settle just who would face BCEW champion Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction in January. But, things didn’t quite work out that way…

…Texas Tex sets up a table on the outside. Big Oil superplexes Starz through the table! Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BIG OIL COVERS ONE, TWO, THR…NO! IT’S MIKE THE MECHANIC! HE BROKE UP THE COUNT!”

Big Oil can’t believe it. Suave: “Everyman, Mike the Mechanic stops the count and a certain win by Big Oil. He’s still upset over Big Oil and Texas Tex buying out his body shop, closing it down, and stealing his secretary, Sheila.” Enraged, Big Oil lifts Mike the Mechanic up by the throat and chokeslams him to the floor. The crowd boos. Big Oil sticks his big boot on Mike’s throat and chokes him. Sheila screams at Big Oil to stop. Texas Tex laughs and restrains her. Suave: “Someone stop him! Anyone…JOHN McCAIN HAS A STEEL-FOLDING CHAIR!” *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Suave: ‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic thwarted Big Oil and John McCain makes a big splash. Big Oil’s manager, Texas Tex, was not pleased.

Texas Tex: It doesn’t matter. John McCain. You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW CEO. You’ve pissed off too many influential and wealthy people in power with your ‘straight-talk.’ Starz N. Stripes? You have no chance of becoming the next BCEW champion. Big Oil squashed you like a bug tonight. He deserves the title shot and I demand that he’s given the title shot.

Rev. Robertson, one half of the pious pair- the God Squad, comes out with ‘America’s Mayor’ Rudy Giuliani.

Rev. Robertson: I don’t think so. My guy, Rudy Giuliani, is the most prepared to become the next BCEW CEO. And my faith makes me more deserving of a title shot against Justin Sufferable then the whole lot of you. I made a hurricane change course once. What do you think will happen when I get into the ring with Justin Sufferable?

Male voice: You’ll probably lose.

Suave: IT’S KIRK WALSTREIT! WALL STREET MARKET ANALYST WITH A HUGE MAN-CRUSH ON ESPN’S KIRK HERBSTREIT!

Walstreit: Yes, it is me, Kirk Walstreit, who should be wrestling for a chance for the BCEW title. And this guy agrees with me.

Suave: Huh?

Fred Thompson saunters out.

Suave: Hey, Fred’s awake today.

Walstreit: That’s right. Fred Thompson. He’s the common sense conservative we need.

Texas Tex throws a fit in the ring.

Texas Tex: All of you, have no chance. We have the money. We make the decisions. The next BCEW CEO will Mitt Romney! Deal with it, you peons. Deal with it you-

The crowd cheers.

Suave: Oh, oh. Now, what? CHUCK NORRIS!
Action star Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee come to the ring.

Suave: So tonight, Big Oil representing Mitt Romney, Starz N. Stripes with John McCain, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad for Rudy Giuliani, Kirk Walstreit with Fred Thompson, and a mystery wrestler who’ll be in Mike Huckabee’s corner, will all vy for a shot at the BCEW title. Merry Christmas everyone!
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BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- DEC. 25th
From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, Ohio. Johnny Suave announcing.

Crowd: BCEW…BCEW…BCEW

GINA RAMSEY SEGMENT
The manager of a festively decorated for Christmas, Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina Ramsey, stands in the ring and is dressed up in a bright red, off the shoulder, Santa outfit complete with a Santa hat, green fishnet hose, a mistletoe necklace, and red stiletto heels. Her belt is large, industrial sized red and green ribbon.

Crowd (genuflecting): WE’RE NOT WORTHY! (clap, clap. clap-clap-clap.) WE’RE NOT WORTHY!

Suave: Damn right, we’re not worthy. She is smoking hot tonight.

Gina: Merry Christmas, ya’ll! Welcome to BCEW’s Christmas Extravaganza right here at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Crowd cheers.

Gina: We’re all going to have a great time here tonight so sit back and-

*MUSIC- whale song over a Ritchie Havens song*

Suave: Aw…not tonight! Talk about having your Christmas spirit completely sucked out of you.

All four members of the Green World Order (GreenPete, Peta from PETA, PeaceNick, and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) with the extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher come out.

Brock Cole Lee: Enough! We told you last year and we’ll tell you again this year, Gina Ramsey. These Christmas decorations are offensive to those of us who are not Christians. I’m going to ask you nicely just once- please remove this offensive display immediately.

Gina: No. (She pauses as the crowd stands and cheer) So, you might as well turn right around and leave.

R Felcher holds up a piece of paper.

R Felcher: Thought you might say that. That’s why I went ahead and procured this injunction against you and this bar to protect the rights of those who are offended by religious displays such as this and who don’t want it shoved in their face. (Felcher pauses for the vociferous boos) I’ll give you five minutes to remove the offending Christmas decorations or else you’ll be in contempt of court.

Suave: This is ridiculous!

*“CAUTION! YOU’RE IN A NO-SPIN ZONE”*

Suave: What the hell?Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly comes out.

O’Reilly: I’m sick and tired of this war on Christmas you are waging!

R Felcher: What do you think you’re going to do about it? I’ve got this (waves the paper again).

O’Reilly: I’ve got this… (O’Reilly waves to the back and Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall come out)… We’re not going to take your assault on Christmas lying down.

R Felcher: Oh yeah? Not only do I have this piece of paper that says that you will cease and desist, I’ve got the man who’s viewership has doubled over the year on my side (Felcher waves to the back) Come on out, Keith.

Keith Olbermann, O’Reilly’s arch-enemy, comes out.

O’Reilly: So? Olbermann still only has a third of my audience.

R Felcher: What’s it going to be, Miss Ramsey? Are you going to do the right thing? Or will I have to have you thrown in jail?

Gina: Mr. Felcher. You’ll have to get through me to pry these Christmas decorations off these walls in my bar.

R Felcher: We’ll actually…no, I won’t.

*SIRENS* Rough Justice D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice, come out.

Suave: No! Wait a damn minute!

Peta from PETA jumps Gina and wraps a garland around her neck. Rough Justice runs to the ring. Everyone runs towards the ring.

MATCH #1 POLITICALLY INCORRECT-Nic Koteen and Al Cahall (Independent) and ‘NO-SPIN FACTOR’ BILL O’REILLY of Fox News (American Patriots) VS. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee) and KEITH OLBERMANN of MSNBC (Progressive Alliance)
Nic Koteen brings a toy box full of weapons to the ring. Al Cahall and GreenPete start in the ring. Peta continues to choke Gina with the garland. She falls to the canvas allowing Rough Justice to pull her out of the ring. O’Reilly and Olbermann brawl on the outside and Koteen opens the toy box. In the ring, GreenPete takes control with an elbow drop and a dropkick. Cahall hits a reverse DDT on GreenPete. Koteen grabs some lights out of the toy box and wraps a strand around Brock Cole Lee’s neck. Kick by Cahall. Rough Justice handcuffs and shackles Gina and start to drag her from the ring area.

*Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop” over the loudspeakers*

Suave: “YES! It’s Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!” WTF runs down and double clotheslines Rough Justice. He empties out the toy box and dumps the box over Ruff’s head. Then WTF picks up a chair and crushes it over the table. Justice tries to get a cheap shot in but WTF grabs him by the throat and chokeslams him through the bellkeeper’s table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Koteen puts the remnants of the toy box over Brock Cole Lee’s head and DDT’s him on top of Justice. Koteen wraps his fist full of Christmas lights and dives on top of Lee, crushing the glass lights in his forehead. GreenPete slingshots himself out of the ring and lands on Koteen. GreenPete tries to free Brock Cole Lee. Cahall climbs the top turnbuckle and leaps down on GreenPete. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot unlocks Gina’s handcuffs and shackles and she immediately goes after Peta from PETA. WTF chases extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher to the back. O’Reilly and Olbermann continue to fight on the outside. Olbermann slams O’Reilly against the wall and stuns him. GreenPete goes at Koteen. Gina catches Peta from PETA, puts her over her knee and spanks her. Peta: “THAT’S CORPORAL PUNISHMENT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! IT’S ILLEGAL!” Brock Cole Lee staggers back into the ring. Koteen and Cahall attack GreenPete, but Olbermann picks up a steel-folding chair and takes both of them out. Olbermann picks up Al Cahall and throws him back in the ring.

Suave: “This might do it! Brock Cole Lee covers. One. Two. NO! IT’S GINA RAMSEY! SHE KICKS LEE! SHE’S CHOKING HIM FROM BEHIND! HOLY CRAP!” Lee staggers backward and falls into the corner turnbuckle- squashing Gina in the process. Suave: “Whoa! Now, Olbermann moves to cover Cahall himself. BUT WAIT! HERE COMES CNN’s LOU DOBBS, who saw his nightly program increase by 10% to over 860,000 viewers this year, TO THE RING!” Dobbs blasts Olbermann from behind and tosses him out of the ring, leaving Brock Cole Lee lying on top of Gina Ramsey in one corner and Al Cahall lying flat in the middle of the ring.

Suave: “Who will get up first?” Peta from PETA hops in the ring and covers Cahall. Ref counts…one…two…Cahall somehow kicks out. Peta screams and then kicks Cahall in the balls. Suave: “OOOHHHHH!” Peta covers again and this time Nic Koteen flies across the ring and knocks her off. GreenPete then gets back in the ring and grabs an arm wrench on Koteen. GreenPete takes Koteen to the corner, reversal and chops by Koteen. Clothesline by Koteen. Leg drop by Koteen. Kick to the gut to Koteen followed by punches. Brock Cole Lee starts to pull himself up. GreenPete catapults Koteen towards Lee but Gina jumps on Vegan Lee’s back and chokes him again. Lee spins around wildly. Cahall pulls GreenPete and slings him through the ropes out of the ring. Gina holds on for dear life as Brock Cole Lee desperately tries to get her off of him. Suave: “She’s got it cinched in real good. Lee’s slowing down! WAIT! THAT’S A SLEEPER HOLD! SHE’S GOT HIM IN A SLEEPER!”

GreenPete climbs back in and gets caught in a drop toe hold by Cahall. Koteen then hits a cross body. Brock Cole Lee now down to his knees. Suave: “He’s fading fast!” Lee topples face first to the canvas. The referee lifts Lee’s arm up and it flops back to the ground. Suave: “One.” The ref lifts Lee’s up again. It goes back down. Suave: “Two!” GreenPete tries to get to Gina but Cahall holds on for dear life. The referee lifts Lee’s arm again. It plummets back down. The referee calls for the bell. Suave: “That’s it!”

WINNER: POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND BILL O’REILLY (with a little assist from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon bar manager Gina Ramsey)

Gina celebrates in the ring with Politically Incorrect and Christmas music plays. Everyone toasts each other and guzzles down some Christmas egg-nog.

Suave: I guess that means Christmas is saved for another year. Well, last time on BCEW, a monumental event took place- FUBAR actually won a match. It was after Coach Bobby Petrino offered to manage FUBAR and then left him for Dave “The Elk” Elkins for more money. Here’s what happened:

Elkins, with Coach Petrino coaching him in his corner, takes the early offensive against FUBAR. Elkins wins a ‘test of strength’ and then lands rights to FUBAR. He chokes out FUBAR who tries to fight back. Elkins with chops now, off the ropes and a spin kick gets a 2 count. Suave: “FUBAR must be motivated. That usually ends the match.” Elkins knees FUBAR and pushes him in the corner. He calls for his favorite golf club- the driver, from Coach Petrino but he’s not there. Elkins looks, Petrino is walking off with a suitcase full of cash and a new deal with Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson of Corporate World. Elkins looks in shock. Suave: “HE TOOK ANOTHER JOB? BIG SURPRISE!” Elkins leans over the ropes and asks ‘why?” FUBAR rolls him up from behind. One. Two. Three. FUBAR jumps up as if he’s not sure what just happened. The ref holds his arm up in victory.

Suave: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? HELL, YES!

Suave: So, congratulations to FUBAR for his early Christmas present. All right, it’s now time for our main event. Four of the five contestants are already in the ring. Here comes Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris.

MATCH #2 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex, Sheila the secretary, and Mitt Romney VS. STARZ N. STRIPES w/ John McCain, VS. KIRK WALSTREIT w/Fred Thompson VS. REV. ROBERTSON of the God Squad w/Rudy Giuliani VS. ???????? w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris
Huckabee takes the mic. Huckabee: “Since we all know that there’s no chin under Chuck Norris’s beard, just another fist. Since we all know that guns don’t kill people- Chuck Norris kills people. Since everyone knows that Chuck Norris’s chief export is pain. It would be unfair to let him participate in tonight’s match. That is why I have enlisted another supporter… Rev Falwell…Jr……come on out!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Rev. Falwell Jr. is also a member of the God Squad!” Rev. Falwell Jr. comes out. Rev. Robertson can’t believe it. Suave: “This could definitely be the end of the God Squad!”

The bell rings. Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell Jr. confront each other. Big Oil locks up with Starz N. Stripes and grabs the advantage. Reversal by Starz. Elbow to Starz by Kirk Walstreit and he pulls him over to his corner. Big Oil grabs Walstreit and throws him across the ring. Big Oil and Starz throws punches. Big Oil finally bounces Starz's head into the turnbuckle. Rev. Robertson sends Starz into the other corner. Rev Falwell Jr. goes after Big Oil and kicks him the gut. Bad idea. Big Oil picks him up and chokeslams Rev Falwell, Jr. Walstreit then drags Rev Falwell Jr. up and sets him up for his finisher- The Stock Market Plunge. Suave: “Walstreit lifting up Rev Falwell…WAIT! CHUCK NORRIS IS IN THE RING!” Norris pushes Walstreit and gets his attention. Walstreit turns around and Norris nails him with a spinning heel kick. Norris drags Rev Falwell Jr. on top of Walstreit. 1-2-3.

KIRK WALSTREIT ELIMINATED

Suave: “I thought Chuck Norris wasn’t going to interject himself into the match?” Mike Huckabee looks pleased. Fred Thompson? He looks asleep. He didn’t miss much. Big Oil dominates Rev Falwell Jr. and then gets an arm drag. Rev Falwell, Jr. rakes the eyes and tries to control with an arm wrench. Rev Robertson kicks at Big Oil from behind. Starz out of the ring and brings back a chair. *KA-BLAM* Down goes Rev Robertson. *KA-BLAM* Down goes Rev Falwell Jr. Starz goes for the trifecta on Big Oil but the big guys gives him the big boot to the gut. Big Oil takes the chair and waffles Starz with it. Big Oil covers but Starz somehow kicks out at 2. Big Oil with double elbows and calls for a table. Texas Tex slides in a table and Big Oil sets it up. Big Oil tries to lift Starz up to powerbomb him. Starz kicks and flails while Rev Robertson takes the chair and jams it in Big Oil’s knee causing it to buckle. Big Oil whips around and pushes Rev Robertson into Rev Falwell Jr. Suave: “Oh, oh.” Both members of the God Squad look at each other. Giuliani climbs on the apron and tells him to take Rev Falwell Jr. out. Rev Robertson waffles his fellow God Squad member with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! I DON’T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY DID IT! REV ROBERTSON COVERS! ONE…TWO… IT’S CHUCK NORRIS AGAIN!” Norris jumps in the ring, pulls Rev Robertson off, then connects with a spinning heel kick. Giuliani is furious and tries to get in the ring. Then he thinks better of it when Norris drags Rev Falwell Jr. over on top of Rev Robertson. 1-2-3.

REV ROBERTSON ELIMINATED

Rudy is still pissed off but heads for the back. Both Mitt Romney and John McCain look concerned. Mike Huckabee again looks very pleased. Suave: “Wow! Right now, Chuck Norris is the difference-…hold on. I just got word that something’s going on outside.”

OUTSIDE
In the back parking lot of Hack’s, Peta from PETA stands above an unconscious Gina Ramsey holding a wooden post for an artificial Christmas tree. Suave: “She’s been knocked out by the GWO!” Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete scoop Gina up and drag her away.

MATCH CONTINUED…
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IN A STUNNING DEVELOPMENT! WHILE WE WERE AWAY, BIG OIL WAS ELIMINATED!” A replay shows Big Oil taunting Chuck Norris. Norris climbs up on the announcer’s table and lunges at Big Oil, connecting with his chin with another spinning kick and knocking him out instantly. Starz N. Stripes covered.

BIG OIL ELIMINATED

Mitt Romney is distressed by the turn of events. Texas Tex gazes in the ring at Big Oil and doesn’t see ‘Everyman” Mike the Mechanic coming up from behind. Mike taps Texas Tex on the shoulder. Tex turns around and Mike socks him in the jaw, getting his revenge for losing his job and his secretary. Then Mike walks off with Sheila the secretary.

Suave: “Mike the Mechanic gets his girl back. Big Oil is out. We’re now down to just Rev Falwell Jr. and Starz N. Stripes!” Rev Falwell Jr tries to work on Starz N. Stripe’s arm. Starz sends the Rev shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Starz wrenches Rev Falwell Jr’s arm and sends him into the other corner. Starz hits a dropkick and John McCain cheers him on. Rev Falwell Jr reverses and slams Starz into the corner and Mike Huckabee shouts out encouragement. Rev Falwell Jr charges; Starz moves and the Rev smacks the corner turnbuckle hard. Starz then climbs up on the corner turnbuckle. Suave: “If Starz hits the big 450 Splash, he’ll win the match!” Chuck Norris starts to edge over and then a commotion breaks out in the back. Suave: “What now? HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!”

Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete drag a still dazed Gina Ramsey up the aisle. Peta from PETA has a microphone. Peta: “All right! We tried it the non-violent, legal way. Now we’re taking it to the extreme. I demand that all the Christmas decorations come down and come down now!”

Meanwhile, Starz hits the 450 Splash on Rev Falwell Jr. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Mike Huckabee shouts for Chuck Norris to intervene…except that Chuck’s not there. Suave: “WAIT! WHERE DID CHUCK NORRIS GO?.........OH…I KNOW…

Chuck Norris sidekicks Brock Cole Lee. Spinning jump kick to GreenPete. Spinning heel kick to PeaceNick. Huckabee can’t believe it. Peta can’t believe it. She turns tail and runs away. Norris helps Gina to the back. Huckabee holds his arms open as if to ask ‘why?’

In the ring, Starz covers. Huckabee climbs in the ring. John McCain grabs a chair and gets in the ring as well. Huckabee stays back. The referee counts to 3. Match over.

WINNER: STARZ N. STRIPES

Suave: What a match! What an ending! It’ll be Starz N. Stripes vs. Justin Sufferable for the BCEW title at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction! Merry Christmas everyone and we’ll see you next year!

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