Monday, October 01, 2007

9/30- BCEW Loose Cannons Lock and Load 2 PPV

BCEW- BUCKLAND COUNTY EXTREME WRESTLING

WELCOME TO BCEW. BCEW combines political satire and professional wrestling. Written in the style of Paul Heyman and the old ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling), BCEW is political satire taken to the extreme.

BCEW is set up similar to your typical pro wrestling show except that instead of good guys vs. bad guys (or ‘face’ vs. ‘heels’) it’s left vs. right. The Progressive Alliance are the Democrats/Liberals. The American Patriots are the Republicans/Conservatives. And there are the independents in the middle.

Some of the characters from the book Loose Cannons of Buckland County and the upcoming book Loose Cannons- Lock and Load make occasional appearances on BCEW.

Bubba Jackson and DeWayne Cantrell are the co-owners of BCEW. The CEO of BCEW is George W. The host and commentator is Johnny Suave. His co-host and constant companion is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain.

Don’t ask.

BCEW WORLD CHAMPION: Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) (Progressive Alliance)
CONTENDERS:
#1- Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance)
#2- Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots)
#3- A. Tom Bomb (Independent)

BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Defense Specialist’ Hallie Burton (American Patriots)
#1- Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance)
#2- ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ Tanya Hardy (Independent)
#3- Sheila, Mike the Mechanic’s secretary (Independent)

BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Green World Order- Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance)
CONTENDERS:
#1- “Drunken Luchadors” Don and Dan Martini (Independents)
#2- Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade (American Patriots)
#3- The Warmonging Bomb Brothers- A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb (Independent)


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RESULTS: SEPTEMBER 30th “LOOSE CANNONS: LOCK AND LOAD 2” PAY PER VIEW FROM HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON IN WESTVILLE, OHIO:

The “voice” of BCEW, Johnny Suave, comes out without his usual companion, a life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave welcomes everyone to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon for BCEW Loose Cannons Lock and Load 2 and starts to run down the card. Someone from the audience shouts out “where’s Shania?” Suave explains that the cardboard cut-out was missing. Then the Green World Order (Peta from PETA, Vegan Brock Cole Lee, Peacenik, and GreenPete) appear at the edge of the stage. Peta holds the life-size cardboard cutout. Peta: “We’ve confiscated this sexist photo that portrays a successful woman as a sexual object for your perverse gratification!” The crowd boos. Peta then tells GreenPete to destroy the cardboard cutout. The crowd sat stunned at the destruction of Suave’s life-size cardboard cut-out of Canadian songbird and multi-million selling country recording superstar, Shania Twain. Peta: “Let this be warning to you all. The Green World Order will not stand for this type of insensitive and boorish behavior that subservients women to men!”

Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock Til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers and the BCEW Enforcer of all things BCEW, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, runs out. WTF lifts Brock Cole Lee and choke-slams him to the floor. Peta jumps on his back. WTF spins around a couple times and then flips Peta over his head onto the floor. Then he blocks a rush by GreenPete- then the usual, lift, chokeslam sequence takes place. WTF then stalks Peacenik who tries to use his pacifist credo to avoid being chokeslammed by the six foot eight Extreme Equalizer. He fails. Lift. Chokeslam. Splat.

As the ring techs scrape up what’s left of the Green World Order, Johnny Suave, nearly busting out in tears, sends it to BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein. Bernstein is in a bathroom stall next to embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He asks the Senator if he has any comment on the controversy. Craig taps his foot in response. Bernstein asks again. Craig taps again. Bernstein tries one more time- the same result. Then it hit him. Bernstein: “Oh, I get it! You’re speaking in ‘Morse Code!’ Bernstein starts writing as Senator Craig continues to tap his foot.

Suave runs down the card:

-Union Jac (Progressive Alliance) vs. Wal Martz
-A ‘Pam Anderson on a Stripper Pole’ match between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee.
-Appearances by all of the candidates for BCEW CEO.
-Progressive Alliance Battle Royal
-American Patriots Battle Royal
-Rematch of the BCEW Women’s Championship- Champion Hallie Burton of the American Patriots vs. the ‘Empress Queen of the Media World’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance)
-Rematch of the BCEW Tag Team Champion: The GWO vs. The Drunken Luchadors
-The final battle for the BCEW Title- Justin Sufferable vs. the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R

Suave introduces the first match.

MATCH #1- JENNI CARLSON, columnist for the Daily Oklahoman VS. MIKE GUNDY, OKLAHOMA STATE FOOTBALL COACH
- with the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK (John F’n Kerry) as the guest referee
Suave: “There’s a lot of bad blood between these two. There’s no telling what’ll happen in this intergender match up.” The bell rings. Gundy immediately gets into Carlson’s face and lays into her over a column she wrote about one of his players. Gundy: “I’m a man. Go after me.” Carlson winds up to slap him and then gets pushed out of the way by a male college student. Suave: “ANDREW MEYER? WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE? HE JUST JUMPED THE LINE IN FRONT OF CARLSON!” Meyer hands Carlson a camera and asks her to film him. Then he gets in Gundy’s grill. Bad idea. Gundy becomes even more enraged and pulls out a taser. Meyer: “Don’t taser me, bro...AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!” Too late. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! GUNDY’S SNAPPED AND HE’S TASERING THE HELL OUT OF ANDREW MEYER!” Suave calls for the guest referee, John Kerry, to ‘do something.’ Kerry stands in the ring passively and watches as Gundy continues to use a taser on the University of Florida student. Suave: “COME ON! IT’S ONE THING TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM SOME ATTENTION SEEKING DOOFUS WANTING TO GET HIS FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME ON YOU TUBE, BUT MIKE GUNDY IS TOTALLY OVERREACTING TO THIS!”

WINNER: NO ONE


MoveOn.Org. runs a spot alleging that Justin Sufferable, a member of the Progressive Alliance, has ‘betrayed us’ by not handing over the BCEW Title Belt to Triple R, a member of a more extreme faction within the Progressive Alliance. Eli Pariser says Sufferable is ‘too moderate and not extreme enough for BCEW’ and calls on him to ‘do the right thing’ and hand over the belt.


MATCH #2- UNION JAC (Progressive Alliance) vs. WAL MARTZ
While Union Jac and Wal Martz have another epic brawl, Hillary Clinton watches from the back with the Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe. She’s convinced that she has Union Jac’s vote all locked up. That is, until John Edwards runs out and starts to interfere in the match. Hillary: “He can’t do that!” She watches helplessly as Edwards’s interference and blatant sucking up to the Big Labor Guy- Union Jac, results in a pinfall victory over the outnumbered Wal Martz.

Hillary runs out to congratulate Union Jac as well and gets jumped by Elizabeth Edwards. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S INJECTING HERSELF INTO THE CLINTON-EDWARDS BATTLE!” They roll around on the floor until the Political Pitbulls race out and escort Hillary to the back.

WINNER: UNION JAC
The crowd buzzes as a stranger heads towards the ring. Suave can’t believe who it is. Suave: “No freakin’ way. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What the hell is he doing here?” Ahmadinejad gets in the ring and ignores the mother of a Jewish soldier missing in Iran asking about her son. Then he launches into a rant but Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock Til You Drop” blares again and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs out. Grab. Lift. Choke slam. Splat. End of speech. Suave: “Thank you.”


MATCH #3- THE “PAM ANDERSON ON A STRIPPER POLE” MATCH- KID ROCK vs. TOMMY LEE
Pam Anderson is handcuffed to a stripper pole and then the pole is lifted up into the air. Suave: “Betcha no one looks underneath her dress......yeah right.” Kid Rock actually gets in a couple good shots on the Motley Crue drummer. Kid Rock lays the boots to Lee and gets a chinlock. Lee counters an attempted slam and hits Kid Rock with an inverted DDT. Lee crawls and covers for 2. Kid Rock throws Lee out of the ring, baseball slide by Rock and drives Lee to the barricade. Kid Rock dawdles on the apron and lets Lee run over and slam him to the floor. Lee with a clothesline and then tosses Kid Rock back in and covers for 2. Rights by Kid Rock, back breaker, and suplex for a cover for 2. Kid Rock steps on Lee's head. He then climbs the corner turnbuckle and gets ready to dive. Suave: HOLY CRAP! IT’S ROUGH JUSTICE!” D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice, run in.

Ruff pushes Kid Rock off and he lands hard on the floor. Ruff and Conner then stomp away at the rock star. Conner drags Lee over to drape him over Kid Rock. Before he succeeds, another man flies into the ring and covers Kid Rock. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S…THAT’S RICK SOLOMON? THE GUY WHO PAID OFF PAM ANDERSON’S GAMBLING DEBT IF SHE SLEPT WITH HIM!” Solomon steals the win…and Pam Anderson.

WINNER: RICK SOLOMON

Rough Justice arrests Kid Rock for assault. The BCEW crowd voices their displeasure as they drag him out.


Promo for Justin Sufferable airs. “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” Sufferable says that since no one has pinned him that he’s the rightful owner of the BCEW Title belt. He calls Triple R too extreme for the mainstream and taunts Triple R by holding up the BCEW Title belt. Backstage, Triple R tears up the Progressive Alliance locker room.


MATCH #4- PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE BATTLE ROYAL- 20 MINUTE TIME LIMIT
Suave: “Well see if any of these possible BCEW CEO candidates can score a decisive victory here tonight. The rules are if you’re thrown over the top rope, you’re eliminated from the Battle Royal.”

The contestants are: Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, Dennis Kucinich, Chris Dodd, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, John Edwards, Joe Biden, and Mike Gravel. Suave: “Who will be the contenders? Who will be the pretenders? We’re about to find out.”

The bell rings and Obama clotheslines Mike Gravel up and over the top rope. Gravel eliminated. Suave: “Well, that didn’t take long.” Edwards, Clinton, Richardson, Dodd, Obama, and Biden engage in a scrum in the middle of the ring. Dodd’s leg comes up and clips Kucinich, sending him up and over the top rope. Kucinich eliminated. The Political Pitbulls, Carville and McAuliffe, then come out and again surround Hillary Clinton, keeping her safely out of the fray.

After several minutes of ring brawling between the remaining contestants, Elizabeth Edwards runs up and throws a ladder into the ring. With the ladder leaning on the top rope, John Edwards threw Chris Dodd into the ladder. The ladder then ricocheted up into Joe Biden’s face in the process. Bill Richardson, the opportunist, climbs the ladder, but Edwards moves and Richardson splashes on the mat. Barack Obama sneaks up from behind and DDT’s Edwards. Dodd climbs the ladder and hangs from the ceiling. Edwards knocks over the ladder, leaving Dodd swinging back and forth from the rafters. After a few seconds, Dodd falls from the rafters and lands on Biden. Dodd bounces off Biden and splats face first on the canvas. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Biden flops to the ground.

Hillary’s Political Pitbulls then go on the attack on Edwards, doubleteaming him in the corner. Elizabeth Edwards climbs on the ring apron and slingshots the back of Hillary Clinton’s neck off the top rope, sending her flying across the ring. Mrs. Edwards charges Hillary but James Carville trips her up. ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama then jumps Carville while Hillary tries to crawl underneath the bottom rope and out of the ring. A woman runs out. Suave: “What? That’s ‘The Empress Queen of All Media” Opal Winfree! SHE’S THROWING HER SUPPORT TO BARACK OBAMA!” Hillary manages to get away from Winfree and the bell rings and ends the match.

WINNER: No clear winner.

Suave: “Hillary with her Political Pitbulls may be up on ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama and John Edwards now. But can Opal Winfree and Elizabeth Edwards make an impact?”


Back in the bathroom, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein tries to decipher what message that Senator Craig is trying to send. Finally, he knocks on the stall wall. Bernstein: “Ah…Senator Craig? I hate to tell you, this doesn’t make the least bit of sense at all!”


MATCH #5- BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH Champion “Defense Expert” HALLIE BURTON w/ Dick Cheney VS. “The Empress Queen of All Media” OPAL WINFREE w/her flock (New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom)
A rematch of their battle at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 in June. Soccer Mom continually screeches, “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” at ringside. Suave: “I wonder if the departure of ‘the Mastermind’ Karl Rove will affect Hallie Burton?”

Dick tries to make up by jumping Winfree, drawing New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom immediately into the brawl. Hallie Burton grabs Winfree and throws her outside the ring. Hallie laid the Empress Queen over the guard rail and whaps her across the back with a steel-folding chair. Pulling Winfree by the hair, Hallie flung her over the barrier into the crowd. Hallie then put a chair on one side and launched herself onto Winfree in the crowd. After bringing her back from the crowd, Hallie set Winfree on a table. Suddenly, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama rushes out and pulls Winfree out of the way just as Hallie went through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Talk about your political paybacks!” With Dick being doubleteamed by New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom, Winfree covers and gets the pin.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION- OPAL WINFREE


O.J. Simpson invades what he thinks is Justin Sufferable’s hotel room at the Holiday Inn Express, just off the Westville exit from I-73. The occupants, none of them named Justin Sufferable, are rightfully frightened by Simpson demanding that they turn over the BCEW Men’s Title belt. They tell the Juice they have no f@#@ing clue what the hell he’s talking about.


MATCH #6- AMERICAN PATRIOT BATTLE ROYAL- 20 MINUTE TIME LIMIT
The contestants: “Mitt Suave” Mitt Romney, “Straight Shootin’” John McCain, “America’s Mayor” Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, Duncan Hunter, Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback, Alan Keyes, and Tommy Thompson. Suave: “Same rules as the Progressive Alliance Battle Royal.”

The bell rings and immediately Tommy Thompson goes flying out of the ring. Tommy Thompson eliminated. Suave: “Wow! That was even quicker than Mike Gravel’s elimination!” Very quickly, Hunter, Tancredo, Brownback, and Keyes follow suit. McCain is also on the verge of going over the top rope as Romney and Giuliani work him over. Suave: “McCain’s in big trouble!” Huckabee and Ron Paul fight their way into the mix. Paul, in particular, seems to be really popular with the younger BCEW audience for his brand of extreme.

Paul goes out and throws two chairs into the ring. He powerbombs McCain on them. Paul then puts a table in the corner and nails a belly-to-belly on Huckabee. The ref gets squashed him in the other corner by Romney and Giuliani. Giuliani, still trying to prove just how ‘hardcore conservative’ he is, presses Paul and superbombs him through it for a superhuge cheer. Romney hits America’s Mayor with a board. McCain gets hit with a chain and Romney has him halfway over the top rope. Suave: “McCain’s could be going out……but wait! IT’S FRED THOMPSON!” The crowd stands as Thompson slowly makes his way down. Suave: “Thompson gets a standing ovation. It’s about time Thompson got into the action!”

Fred Thompson stands off to the side while Romney uses a metal object on Giuliani. Paul misses a kick in the corner and falls to the floor. Back in the ring, Huckabee tries a belly to belly suplex on John McCain. But McCain reverses and throws the former Arkansas governor into the ropes. Suave: “McCain’s coming back! He was all but dead in the water but now he’s coming back!” McCain clobbers both Romney and Giuliani while Thompson continues to wait off to the side. Suave wonders what he’s waiting for. The bell rings at the twenty minute mark.

WINNER: No clear winner.

Suave: “Fred Thompson jumped in but didn’t really do much. McCain is becoming a factor again. Rudy and Romney seem to have a leg up for now.”


Back in the bathroom, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein continues to attempt to interview Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Bernstein: “No, Senator Craig. I’m telling you that whatever you’re tapping out in morse code isn’t making a lick of sense.” Senator Craig continues to tap, now taking a wide stance inside his stall. Suddenly, the bathroom door is busted down. Bernstein lifts his legs up so Rough Justice won’t see them so they break down Senator Craig’s bathroom stall door. The Senator protests as Rough Justice drag him, pants still down, out of the bathroom.

Suave: “Not a pleasant sight…”


MATCH #7- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: CHAMPIONS- THE GREEN WORLD ORDER-GREENPETE AND VEGAN BROCK COLE LEE w/ Peta from PETA and Peacenik (Progressive Alliance) VS. DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI (Independent)
Suave: “A rematch from Loose Cannons Unleashed 3! Can the Drunken Luchadors regain their BCEW Tag Team titles?” The Drunken Luchadors come out with their distinctive pre-match warm up, consisting of guzzling down a bottle of Jack Daniels and breaking the bottle over their head. Suave pronounces them ready to rumble.

Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Drunken Luchador Dan to begin. They lock up and Lee attempts a wristlock. Dan reverses, okay, he actually collapses causing the hold to be broken. The Vegan manages an arm drag, sidekick and corner clothesline before tagging out to GreenPete. GreenPete doesn’t have much more luck. He attempts a hip toss and Dan slips from his grasp. GreenPete covers for 1. Don tags in and goes for a flying clotheslines…and misses by five feet. Don hangs himself up in the ropes. GreenPete chops and then slams Don to the boot of Brock Cole Lee. Tag and Lee back in. He goes for a double ax handle but misses when Don staggers away. Attempted forearms, chops and knees also miss their mark. Dan tries to help his brother and climbs the turnbuckle and leaps at Lee…and misses……badly. Lee covers Dan for 2. Frustrated, GreenPete nails Dan and Irish whips him. Dan falls before GreenPete can elbow him and the GWO member accidently nails Brock Cole Lee. Don tries a DDT on Lee but drops him onto his own NUTSACK. Springboard dropkick by Dan that misses by several feet. But when Lee tries to counter, Dan trips on his own two feet and falls, causing Lee to flip over the top rope out of the ring.

Peacenik and Peta hit the ring and join GreenPete in a three-way beat down of both Drunken Luchadors. GreenPete sticks his foot on the chest of Dan Martini and the referee counts to two before… Suave: “THEY’RE BACK! IT’S THE BOMB BROTHERS AND DAISY CUTTER-BOMB!”

The Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb) with their well-endowed little sister Daisy Cutter-Bomb hit the ring. A-Bomb and H-Bomb attack GreenPete and Peacenik. Daisy pulls Peta by the hair to the corner and delivers a wicked slap across her face. The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, then inexplicatively climbs on the announcer’s table. N-Bomb puts an object on top of the table with a cover over it. Suave: “HEY GREEN WORLD ORDER! THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!” Suave pulls the cover off and it’s a new life-size cardboard cut-out……of Indy car racer Danica Patrick. Suave: “F@#$ YOU!” The crowd chants ‘BCEW’ and bow down to the new cut-out. An infuriated Peta attempts to get at Suave but Daisy Cutter-Bomb yanks her back by the hair and then power bombs her for her trouble. Suave: “Paybacks are a bitch, aren’t they, Peta?”

Vegan Brock Cole Lee gets back in the ring and nails Drunken Luchador Dan in the stomach. Dan begins to retch and then projectile vomits all over Lee. Lee falls. Dan passes out on top of him. The referee counts to three. And we have new Tag Team champions.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI


O.J. Simpson busts into Justin Sufferable’s dressing room and demands the BCEW title belt. Sufferable tells him to go to hell. Simpson threatens him and then Rough Justice come flying in. They take down the Juice and cuff him. Andrew Meyer then reappears and gives Rough Justice grief about the way they’re treating O.J. Meyer: “Don’t tase me, bro?” Ruff tells Meyer he’s not his bro and they don’t have a taser on them. Meyer breathes a momentary relief until Mike Gundy flies out again and tasers him. This causes the University of Florida campus police to come out. Suave: “It looks like Meyer’s finally getting some help.” After some hesitation, the campus police join in and start tasering Meyer as well. Suave: “Well? Sucks to be…IT’S DAILY OKLAHOMAN COLUMNIST JENNI CARLSON! SHE’S GOING TO-” Carlson uses the camera Andrew Meyer gave her earlier in the night and whacks Gundy up beside the head with it. Gundy goes down and Carlson taunts him.


MATCH #8- BCEW WORLD TITLE MATCH- JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance) VS. ‘THE ANGRY HIGHWAY WARRIOR’ TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGE RANDY (Progressive Alliance) w/Arianna Huffington
Suave: “Back to the action. It’s a battle between the moderate and extreme wing of the Progressive Alliance for the BCEW Title!” Arianna gets on the mic and again demands the BCEW title belt. She is then joined by left wing blogger, Daily Kos. Daily Kos demands that the Progressive Alliance candidates come down and help Triple R win the BCEW title. Daily Kos: “The Progressive Alliance had better listen to us. We’re the new face of the Progressive Alliance! What we say, goes! And we say that Triple R is extreme enough to be the next BCEW champion.”

Cut to the back, left wing bloggers Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman annihilate Justin Sufferable in the back. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THE LEFT WING BLOGGERS ARE TAKING SUFFERABLE OUT!” The left wing bloggers go for Sufferable’s knee. Suave: “AW, COME ON! HE JUST HAD MAJOR SURGERY ON THAT KNEE A FEW MONTHS AGO!” Krugman takes the BCEW title belt and brings it to the ring. He hands it to Triple R. Triple R demands that the referee declare him the champion.

WINNER: NO MATCH

Suave: “Justin Sufferable taken out again! Is Triple R-Road Rage Randy now the official BCEW champion? Does the left wing bloggers now control the Progressive Alliance? We’ll find out this and more as the months unfold.”

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