Sunday, May 27, 2007

5/27- BCEW Political War Cable TV show


Bubba talks to someone on his headset. Former BCEW CEO George W enters. “You wanted to see me?” W says. Bubba motions W to sit down. Bubba: “W, I’ll get to the point. Last week, Rough Justice arrested just about everyone over this whole smoking thing. Everyone’s been released…all except for Gina Ramsey.” George W seems mildly surprised. Bubba then informs him that against his better judgement, because every effort to get Gina out of jail has failed, he has no other choice but to reinstate George W as BCEW CEO.

George W leaves Bubba’s office and runs into his aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. “Well?” Dick asks. W. informs him that he has been reinstated as the BCEW CEO. Dick shakes his hand. George W: “I’d better tell the band to warm up because I’m headed to the ring.” Dick nods and W exits.

Dick turns to ‘The Mastermind’ and grins. Dick: “I love it when a plan comes together. You just make sure that they keep her locked up for as long as possible.” Rove nods affirmatively and then points to his head to again reaffirm to everyone just how much of a friggin’ genius he is.

“BCEW!...BCEW!” chants the capacity crowd at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. BCEW announcer Johnny Suave stands in the ring with his color person. “Ladies and gentlemen!” he bellows over the chanting crowd. “Welcome to our special three-hour special on BCEW Political War on P-SPAN, the political junkie channel!” The crowd stands and cheers loudly. “I am Johnny Suave and please welcome back the hottest piece of cardboard in the wrestling world, my life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain!” The crowd again stands and cheers.

Suave then announces that tonight we will find out just who the three contestants will be who will wrestle for the BCEW World title next week at the BCEW Loose Cannons 3 pay per view, to be held at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn in Chelsea, Michigan. Suave begins to run down the card but gets interrupted by a mariachi band playing a horribly off-key version of ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “Oh, no! You’re kidding me, right?” Suave’s worst fears come to pass as newly reinstated BCEW CEO George W triumphantly marches down the aisle behind the bad mariachi band followed by Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. “WE WANT GINA! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap), the crowd chants.

W climbs in the ring to the effusive boos from the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon patrons. W begins to announce something to mark his reinstatement as BCEW CEO but again, the crowd displays their abject displeasure by jeering him. W: “I’m back in charge and I don’t care what y’all think. I will do what I feel is best for BCEW- no matter how unpopular and illogical…” Dick gently elbows W. W: “Right. Strike that last remark. I will protect BCEW at all cost and I don’t care-”

The crowd continues to chant even louder: “WE WANT GINA (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)!” Dick grabs the mic. “SHE’S NOT COMING SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHUT UP!” he yells at the crowd. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the crowd responds. Suave: “Wow. It’s going to get ugly here. Where is Gina being held? And Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ in co-hoots with Rough Justice? What is up with that?”

Suave finally runs down the card:
-Five way brawl to determine the Progressive Alliance representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: Political Pitbull James Carville, Peacenik of the Green World Order, Union Jac, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher, and DLC.
-Five way brawl to determine the American Patriots representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: Starz N. Stripes, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad, Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and Neal Conn.
-Five way brawl to determine the Independent representative in the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 three-way dance for the BCEW World Title: A. Tom Bomb, Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Tiny of the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja, and ‘everyman’ Mike the Mechanic.
-The Green World Order (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee) vs. The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade for the number one contender spot for the BCEW Tag Team titles to wrestle the champions at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.
-‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse takes on the ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree in an elimination match. The winner gets BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton for the title at Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.

MATCH #1 TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) (Progressive Alliance) w/ former US Senator from the State of Alaska Mike Gravel vs. MICHAEL HUNT of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname (Independent)
Suave: “Triple R continues his climb back up the ladder. If you remember, Triple R won the BCEW World Title at BCEW vs. EECW War in March but was stripped of the title in April when he publicly announced that he was going to throw the belt in the trash on the Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin’ cable show. Former BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey reinstated Triple R, but only after he refilled out a job application and went through the whole hiring process again. Can a very angry Triple R get back to the top?”

Triple R shoves people out of the way left and right. He hops the top rope and immediately goes after Michael Hunt. Lefts. Rights. Side headlock by Triple R. Hunt tries to fight out of it but Triple R slams him to the ground and starts choking him. Then he throws Hunt over the top rope to the floor. Triple R grabs a chair and plants it over Hunt’s head. Hunt pirouettes and hits face first the ring steps. Suave: “OWW!” Senator Mike Gravel, who’s equally as pissed off as Triple R, angrily sets up a table and drape Hunt across it. Suave: “Triple R climbs up to the top rope…HOLY CRAP! HE JUST PUT HUNT THROUGH THE TABLE!” Gravel then gets into it with the referee. Gravel: “GET OUT OF MY FACE! I’M ANGRY AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Gravel then climbs up himself to the top rope and delivers an elbow to Hunt. Triple R covers and quickly the referee counts to three.


Triple R grabs the mic and demands right there and now to be added to the Progressive Alliance five way dance. Triple R: “I’M THE CHAMPION! NO ONE DEFEATED ME FOR THE TITLE AND NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ME! I WANT MY TITLE AND I WANT IT NOW!” Triple R continues to throw a temper tantrum in the ring while Senator Gravel repeats “I’m pissed off at everything” over and over.

Everyman Mike the Mechanic hangs out with his secretary, Sheila. Big Oil walks by with his manager, Texas Tex. Tex pushes a wheelbarrow full of cash and chomps on a cigar. Big Oil stops and glares at Mike. Then he starts laughing and makes a money gesture with his fingers. Mike starts forward but Sheila gets in the way. Tex: “Complain all you want. The price of gas keeps going up. You still go out and fill your gas tank up. And I’ll keep getting richer and richer!” Tex laughs and runs his hands through the cash in the wheelbarrow as he and Big Oil move on. Sheila continues to try to restrain Mike the Mechanic. Sheila: “Not tonight, honey. Not tonight. Win your five way brawl and you’ll get your shot at him.”

MATCH #2 “Trailer Park Skating Honey” TANYA HARDY w/ the White Trash Posse (Independent) vs. “Empress Queen of the Media World” OPAL WINFREE w/Opal’s Flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy)
Suave reminds us that the winner of this match gets a title shot at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 against the champion, ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton. Soccer Mom gets on the mic and tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd: “Opal cares! Opal cares about all of you! Most of all, Opal cares……about the children.” The crowd boos her. Angrily, she yells back, “You should all worship the ground Opal walks on!” More boos. Soccer Mom: “I’ll tell you all this. If any of the Progressive Alliance candidates for CEO are in the back, they’d better listen and listen close. Opal Winfree has a lot of followers. Opal Winfree is the Empress Queen of the Media World. If she needs help tonight, you’d better be out here if you want her support for BCEW CEO.”

Suave: “Okay. There’s the bell.” Hardy gets upset that Opal is taking forever to shake the hand of every fan of hers at ringside. The ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ slides under the ropes and whips Winfree into the guardrail a couple of times. Hardy tries a springboard moonsault, but Opal just pushes her off the guardrail into the crowd. The two brawl around the arena with Opal in control. The fans are of course chanting non-stop ‘BCEW…BCEW.’ Opal chokes away on Hardy and then sits her in a chair at ringside. New Age Soccer Guy hits a spear on the chair and Hardy is sprawled out on the floor. Immediately, the White Trash Posse respond and smack New Age Sensitive Guy in the knee with a baton. Soccer Mom tries to intervene and she gets a baton to the knee.

Opal tosses Hardy back inside the ring and gets a hard powerbomb, but doesn't cover her. Opal lifts Hardy up into a military press and then just dumps her on her face. Opal tries to lift her again but the White Trash Posse hit the ring and attack her with the baton. Opal falls to the ground and the White Trash Posse pounce on her. Suave: “The White Trash Posse are assaulting the Empress Queen…AND HERE COMES THE CALVARY!” Hillary Clinton, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson, and the rest of the Progressive Alliance candidates for BCEW CEO race to the ring to Opal Winfree’s rescue. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THEY’RE ALL OUT HERE TO HELP!” All ten candidates attack the White Trash Posse. Hillary kicks away at one. Barack Obama puts another one in a hammerlock. Bill Richardson and John Edwards double team Tanya Hardy. A few more seconds of carnage ensue before Opal crawls over and covers the ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey.’ Referee counts out the pinfall. Match over.



BCEW Tag Team champions Dan and Don Martini sit at a table with rocker Ozzy Osbourne. The Martini brothers have several bottles of Jack Daniels sitting in front of them while Ozzy has a glass of water. Ozzy mumbles something that’s nearly impossible to decipher. So there are subtitles on the bottom of the TV screen when Ozzy talks. “I’m here with the BCEW Tag Team champions, my new friends, Dan and Don Martini!” Dan and Don clink their bottles and yell incoherently. Ozzy mumbles some more. “They have been the tag team champions for over two years now and await with great anticipation the winner of the next match at BCEW Loose Cannons 3.” Suave: “Okay, what’s scary here is that Dan and Don are drunk off their ass. Ozzy isn’t. And you can’t tell the difference.” Ozzy then grunts at the Martinis. Dan and Don clink their bottles again, guzzle down the remaining contents, yell out something totally incomprehensible, and then pass out. Ozzy looks down at them and mumbles. “What the #$#$!” Suddenly, Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” blares over the sound system. Suave: “IT’S THE NEW SIX FOOT EIGHT, 310 POUND ‘ENFORCER’ OF ALL THINGS EXTREME IN BCEW, WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!” WTF runs in and dumps over the table. Ozzy falls out of his chair.

MATCH #3 THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee) (Progressive Alliance) vs. THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (American Patriots)
The GWO are already in the ring. Greenpete gets on the mic and also demands that the Progressive Alliance pay close attention to their match. Greenpete: “If you want the support of the Green World Order, you’d better be here for us if we need you.” The opening to Toby Keith’s hit song “Who’s Your Daddy” blares over the loudspeaker and out come the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. Suave: “This is a classic matchup between the left and the right. The winner will face the BCEW Tag Team Champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flying Martini Brothers next week at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3.”

The bell rings and immediately all four men go after each other. Suave: “Not a whole lot of love here.”


MATCH #3 (continued)
Suave: “Getting everyone back up to speed. The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade have been in control of this match since the opening bell.” With Greenpete lying on the floor, seemingly incapacitated, Earl Locke sets Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee up on a table while Gary Loade climbs up on the turnbuckle. Loade jumps off and crushes Lee through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Locke pulls Lee up by his spiky green hair and throws him back in the ring.

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?” The crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha followed by several camera people appears. Suave: “IT IS! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING POLITICAL ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion as the camera films it all. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Locke is distracted from covering the Extreme Vegan, allowing Peta from PETA to sneak in with a chair. Peta snaps the chair over Locke’s back and gets his attention. Locke chases Peta all over the ring which allows Al Gore to come in and swat the Raging Redneck in the back with the Singapore cane. Locke down. Loade then jumps in and gets a Singapore cane to the head. Lee somehow crawls over Locke and gets the cover.

WINNER: THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee)

The GWO celebrate in the ring with the ‘Tree Huggin,’ Mocha chuggin,’ tobacco campany buggin,’ insane extreme Singapore cane swinging political alpha male and environmental extreme icon- Al Gore. “The inconvenient truth is that at BCEW Loose Cannons 3,” Gore says. “The new BCEW Tag Team champions will be the Green World Order!”

In front of a large BCEW banner, Rudy introduces himself as one of the candidates vying to be the next BCEW CEO. “Everyone knows that in order to be the standard bearer for the American Patriots, you have to be hardcore……conservative,” Rudy says. “It’s unfortunate when people question my hardcore conservative credentionals because I think everyone understands that I am hardcore…conservative. I mean, I successfully governed a city that many people believed couldn’t be governed. But I did it because I am…hardcore conservative. I was able to bring law and order to a city that many believed you couldn’t- because I am…hardcore conservative. And on 9/11, while the President was flying all over the country and the Vice-President hid in a bunker, I stood tall and steady that day among the ruins of the World Trade Center because I am hardcore…conservative. We may not agree on all issues. But because everyone knows that I’m hardcore conservative, I believe I will be the best choice to bring a sense of order to BCEW. Why? Because, I’m hardcore conservative! I’m hardcore conservative!”

A darkened movie theater full of people. A close up of Hillary Clinton’s face appears in black and white on the movie screen. Hillary: “I’m glad we’ve begun our conversation with all of you. So far, we haven’t stopped talking and I intend to continue to keep talking to you about the things we need to talk about. That’s really good. Because it’s important to talk about the thing that we need to talk about because if we don’t talk about them, then, we’re not talking. I hope we’ve learned a little bit more about the things we need to talk about because if you lower your guards and surrender your ships…” Hillary’s face evolves with a metallic plate appearing around her left eye with the eye replaced with a robotic eye. “…we can add your biological and technological distinctiveness into a utopian culture that will adapt to service us…I mean…all of us…”

Suave: “Earlier in the week, former BCEW CEO Jimmy Carter called George W. the ‘worst BCEW CEO in history. W’s aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove are out here to address that.” Dick calls Carter ‘irrelevant’ and the criticism of George W. ‘reckless.’ Carter comes out and Dick immediately demands an apology. Carter: “Perhaps my remarks were ‘careless’ and ‘misinterpreted.” Suave: “Oh?” Carter: “I realized that calling George W’s term ‘the worst in history’ would be an insult to the worst administration in history.” Suave: “Who would that be?” Carter: “Mine.”

Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ shout at Carter when BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein confronts Dick. “Isn’t it true that you hired Rough Justice to arrest and imprison former interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey and now you’re holding her captive and torturing her with bad television shows?” Dick angrily denies the torture charges. Bernstein: “Oh really? Then explain…THIS!” A video of Gina Ramsey tied to a chair and gagged, watching ‘The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo’ on TV. “Let’s go get ‘em, Sheriff Lobo!” a voice says from the TV. Ramsey winces in great pain. Bernstein: “SEE?” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT HAS TO VIOLATE SEVERAL PROVISIONS OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION! DICK, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?...DICK? DICK!” Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ are long gone.

MATCH #4 THE INDEPENDENT FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (A. Tom Bomb, Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Tiny of the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja, and ‘everyman’ Mike the Mechanic.)
“The first man to pin one of the other contestants wins the match,” Suave announces. A. Tom Bomb hooks up with Tiny. Al Cahall hits a cheap shot on Little Paulie from the apron. Tiny overpowers A-Bomb but A-Bomb comes back with a roll up for 1. Cahall hits a hurricanrana on Little Paulie but runs into a backbreaker from Mike the Mechanic. A-Bomb tosses Tiny into the corner but Al Cahall leaps in with a dropkick and backs A-Bomb up. Tiny hits a Northern League suplex on Cahall for 2. A-Bomb tosses Mike the Mechanic to the floor while Little Paulie connects with a dropkick Tiny. He dropkicks Tiny again but the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja swats him away. Little Paulie tumbles to the floor. A-Bomb hits Mike the Mechanic with a Atomic Power Bomb and goes for the cover. Tiny dives on A-Bomb and stops the count. After faking a dive on Little Paulie, Al Cahall hits an enziguiri on Mike the Mechanic. Tiny whacks Cahall from behind and puts him in a seated abdominal stretch. This time, A-Bomb breaks the hold.

Tiny and A-Bomb start clubbing away at each other. Tiny hits A-Bomb with a bodyslam and the sleeper toss for 2. They tumble out of the ring and brawl outside. Taking advantage of the opportunity, Mike the Mechanic’s secretary, Sheila, slips him jumper cables for his battery charger and Mike zaps Little Paulie. He slams Little Paulie and covers for 2. Al Cahall jumps in and hits a double spinebuster for 2. He puts on a half crab but Sheila comes in and zaps him with the jumpers, knocking him out. Outside, Tiny and A-Bomb brawl into the crowd. Mike goes for the cover on Little Paulie again. Suave: “One…two…th- WAIT! IT’S BIG OIL!” Big Oil breaks the pinfall and then delivers the Oklahoma City Driller on Mike. Big Oil rolls Little Paulie over and the referee counts it out. “One,” the referee says. Both Tiny and A-Bomb rush back to the ring. “Two.” They climb into the ring. “Three.” Too late.

WINNER: LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers

Suave: “A stunning upset! Little Paulie of the American Bikers will be one of the three going for the BCEW World Title at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3!”

Rudy walks into a crowded shopping mall. Rudy: “Not a day goes by without someone coming up to me, Rudy, how do you balance the two? Being a hardcore conservative and holding views that might be a little outside the conservative realm. That makes me a hardcore PRAGMATIC conservative and I think the voters notice that.” Rudy strolls down the ground floor window shopping, looking at various items that catch his eye. Rudy: “I can hear them whispering when I walk by…he’s hardcore conservative. And then I go up to them and it’s…BAM…like they’ve been hit over the head with a steel-folding chair. Cause I am…hardcore conservative.”

Hillary, face pale white with various mechanical plates partially covering her face, a la the ‘Borg’ from Star Trek, continues to speak. “…and as long as we’re having this conversation with each other, I need each and every one of you to know that…resistance is futile. You will all be assimilated!”

Mike Rogers of the American Patriots talks to a colleague when ‘Th’ Old War Horse’ John Murtha comes up. Murtha pushes Rogers and sticks a finger in his face. Suave: “What the hell is THAT about?” Murtha: “How dare you question me! Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” Murtha then tells Rogers that he hopes he’s don’t have any earmarks in any bills because they are gone. Murtha: “You will not get any earmarks now and forever.” Suave: “WHAT A JERK! HE ACTS AS IF HE’S HAS THE GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SPEND TAXPAYER’S MONEY AS HE SEES FIT!” Rogers: “This is not the way we do things here — and is that supposed to make me afraid of you?” Murtha decks Rogers with a forearm shiver. Murtha: “That’s the way I do it!” Murtha turns and starts to walk away. Jumping Rogers grabs a nearby clipboard and tries to whap Murtha from behind. ‘Queen’ Nancy Pelosi comes up from behind and grabs on to Rogers’s arm. Pelosi: “I hate to break it to you but we’re going to have to support John Murtha on this. He’s got seniority you know?” Suave: “PELOSI SIDES WITH MURTHA? WHAT THE F-” Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers.

Suddenly, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out and chokeslams ‘Th’ Old War Horse to the ground. Rogers looks down at Murtha. “Not any more,” he says and leaves.

Rough Justice is D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice. Ruff: “When it comes to protecting the American way of life, there’s no price that we shouldn’t be willing to pay. Nothing that we shouldn’t be willing to do to protect the American citizens.” Justice: “When you break the law or threaten the American way of life, nothing is off the table. I repeat…” Justice steps back on opens the curtain to reveal Gina Ramsey, still tied to a chair and gagged, being forced to listen a neverending loop of Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from the Titanic movie causing great emotional anguish and distress to the former BCEW CEO. Justice: “…nothing is too extreme.” Suave: “OH, FOR PETE’S SAKE! SHE’S NOT THE ENEMY!”


Rudy is behind the wheel of a car that comes up to an intersection. Rudy: “Now, I can either take a hard left turn…or…I can go straight.” Rudy then whips the steering wheel right and drives the car off the road and into a house. Rudy: “But even though there’s no road and there’s a free standing building blocking the way, I make the right turn. That makes me…hardcore conservative. I’m hardcore conservative!...”

Hillary continues to intone to the enthralled gathering, totally looking like a ruthlessly cold, Borg-type creature. A young girl wonders away from her mother in a hallway and opens up a door, finding a woman with Borg-type makeup on her face talking into a big microphone. Young Girl: “Mom! It’s Hillary Clinton!” Hillary notices the young girl and says, “Pay no attention to the woman speaking into the microphone. Move along…nothing to see here…”

MATCH #5 THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (Political Pitbull James Carville, Peacenik of the Green World Order, Union Jac, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher, and DLC)
Queen Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean come to the ring to watch. Immediately, Peacenik sits in the middle of the ring and refuses to fight. Union Jac complains that BCEW is using a non-union referee in the match. Suave: “This ought to be interesting. The Progressive Alliance is a little thin with the exclusion of Triple R and the injury to Justin Sufferable.

The bell rings. Peacenik continues to offer up his non-violent protest while the other four men crash into each other. Union Jac chops Attorney Felcher down. Union Jac then lifts Felcher up as if to hit a delayed vertical suplex but the Political Pitbull Carville bites him on the leg and he drops the attorney. DLC tries to chop Union Jac but trips over Peacenik in the middle of the ring. Carville comes in and shows DLC how it’s really done and gets 2 on Union Jac. Carville goes for a fall away slam on Felcher but Union Jac chokes him from behind with his work belt and hits a Working Class uppercut for 2.

Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) and Senator Mike Gravel race down but Pelosi, Reid, and Dean blocks him from getting to the ring. Suave: “There’s a big commotion outside the ring! Senator Gravel is demanding that Triple R should be allowed to get into the ring but they won’t let him.” The conflict distracts Carville allowing Union Jac to sneak in and hit a vertical suplex for 2. Union Jac immediately questions the count to the referee. DLC is distracted by Triple R long enough for Attorney R Felcher to hit the head scissors takedown on him. Felcher hits a hurricanrana on DLC for 2. Carville hits a low blow from behind on Felcher sending him to the canvas. DLC and Carville doubleteam Felcher until Union Jac rams into them. Union Jac covers Felcher but again gets a 2. Union Jac jumps up and gets in the referee’s face. Union Jac: “We need a union referee here to do the job right!” DLC slips in behind Union Jac and rolls him up into small package. 2 count. Carville then covers DLC. 2 count. Suave: “NO ONE CAN GET A CLEAR ADVANTAGE! WHO’S GOING TO-……WAIT A MINUTE! TRIPLE R JUST BUSTED THROUGH AND HE’S IN THE RING!”

The crowd rises as Triple R throws DLC out of the ring. Then Political Pitbull Carville. Suave: “HE’S CLEANING HOUSE!” Next, Felcher goes flying over the top rope leaving Union Jac and Peacenik. Gravel throws in a chair and Triple R clubs Union Jac over the head with it. Then for good measure, Triple R nails Peacenik with it and covers. Referee hesitates. Triple R goes ballistic and drills the referee in the face with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE REFEREE IS OUT! NOW WHAT?” Triple R his Union Jac again and then throws him out of the ring. Then he drags an unconscious Peacenik and dumps him onto the floor. Suave: “NOW WHAT? NO REFEREE. TRIPLE R HAS SINGLEHANDEDLY TAKEN OUT ALL FIVE OF THE COMPETITORS! WHAT DOES THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE DO NOW?”

Gravel throws a mic to Triple R who in turn demands to be declared the winner. Pelosi, Reid, and Dean confer. Pelosi then enters the ring. Suave: “WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO?” Pelosi holds up Triple R’s arm. Suave: “IT’S TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY! HOLY CRAP!”


There’s a knock at the door inside a dimly lit room. Someone, presumably one of the members of Rough Justice, gets up and answers it. It’s Dick and ‘The Mastermind.’ Dick: “Is she still here?” The figure nods affirmatively and motions to someone. Dick: “Good. We need to keep her here through the BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 pay per view. Once we reestablish George W’s control over BCEW, then we let her go. Got it?” The figure nods again. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove points to his temple to again signify to everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. Dick: “What are you doing with her?” Voice: “Oh. Nothing much.”

Cut to Gina, still tied to the chair and gagged, listening to a montage of Rosie O’Donnell rants from the television show ‘The View’, highlighted with her on-air spat with co-star Elisabeth Hasselbeck from earlier in the week. Suave: “THAT’S NOT RIGHT! NO ONE SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO THAT! IT’S INHUMANE!”

MATCH #6 THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS FIVE-WAY BATTLE ROYALE (Starz N. Stripes, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad, Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and Neal Conn.)
Suave: “The final spot in the three-way dance next week for the BCEW World Title. Who will it be? The former Rookie Sensation-Starz N. Stripes? Rev. Robertson of the God Squad- still grieving over the death of his tag team partner- Rev. Falwell? Big Oil- rolling in the dough right now with the gas prices so damn high? The money and Kirk Herbstreit loving Kirk Walstreit? Or Neal Conn- dedicated to the advancement of low taxes, social conservatism, and protecting the natural interest home and abroad.”

George W, Dick, Karl Rove come down to ringside to watch. The bell rings and all five men cautiously circle around the ring. Starz attacks Rev. Robertson as Kirk Walstreit immediately has a ladder thrown into the ring. Neal Conn baseball slides into the ladder and Walstriet is down. Starz gets an Enziguri to Rev Robertson while Conn and Walstreit fight over the ladder. Big Oil hung off to the side out of the fray. Conn tosses the ladder in the corner, but misses a spin kick and gets thrown into the ladder. Starz slams Rev Robertson into the corner and hits a moonsault! Rev. Robertson bails from the ring. Slingshot cross body by Starz to Robertson on the floor. Starz and Conn lock up and Starz delivers a nice head scissors. Tries another, but Conn blocks it and he bails from the ring. Scoop slam by Big Oil as he finally decides to get into the action. Then he goes up top but Starz crotches him. Starz climbs up the ladder, but Big Oil pushes the ladder to the side and Starz flies to the floor. The crowd chants: “BCEW…BCEW!”

Big Oil then resets the ladder and Walstreit missile drop kicks it into Big Oil’s face. Starz somehow climbs back in and goes after Big Oil. Big Oil avoids him and face jams Starz onto the ladder. Conn sneaks in, picks up the ladder, and goes Terry Funk as he spins around with the ladder on his shoulders and clears the ring! Starz gets back into it and spears him to the corner. Then he goes back after Big Oil again. Rev Robertson DDT’s Walstreit and then sets him up on the ladder and leg drops him. Texas Tex throws Big Oil a steel-folding chair and he immediately slams it over Walstreit’s head. Then Big Oil clocks Neal Conn and Rev. Robertson and sends them both flying out of the ring. Out of nowhere, Starz drop kicks the chair into Big Oil’s face and sends him tumbling down.

Starz goes up on top again. Suave: “He’s going for a big splash…BUT TEXAS TEX PUSHES HIM OFF!” Starz hits hard on the canvas. Suave: “Three men down in the ring. The other two down outside.” Big Oil gets up first and directs Texas Tex to set up two tables on the outside. Then he lifts up Kirk Walstreit. Suave: “OH, NO! HE’S GOING TO ALASKAN PIPELINE HIM OUTSIDE THE RING THROUGH THE TABLE!” Big Oil sets him on the top turnbuckle and then clotheslines Walstreit off the turnbuckle through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd: “HOLY S#$#! HOLY S#$#! Big Oil next drags up Starz N. Stripes. Suave: “IF HE DOES THE SAME THING TO STARZ N. STRIPES, BIG OIL WILL WRESTLE NEXT WEEK FOR THE BCEW TITLE!” Big Oil places Starz on the corner turnbuckle as Texas Tex moves the table into position. Suave: “HERE HE GOES…” The crowd cheers as someone races to the ring. Suave: “HERE COMES MIKE THE MECHANIC!” Mike reaches in and trips up Big Oil as he starts to charge towards Starz. Mike beats on Big Oil until the big guy tosses him off. Two seconds later, Big Oil hits a devastating Alaskan Pipeline on Mike the Mechanic and sends him flying out of the ring hard into the steel guardrail. Suave: “HOLY CRAP. HE’S DEAD. HE HAS TO BE.” Texas Tex gets on the mic. “HOW DARE YOU,” he screeches down at the everyman, Mike the Mechanic. “HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE ON BIG OIL! YOU ARE A MERE FLYSPECK ON THE GREAT WINDSHIELD OF THIS COUNTRY! YOU HAVE NOTHING!” Suave: “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? WHAT THE F-” The Def Leppard “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” song blares again and out comes Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S WTF AND HE’S GOT TEXAS TEX ON HIS RADAR!”

Texas Tex tries to back away but WTF picks him up and chokeslams him through a table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S DEAD!” Hack’s crowd: “HOLY S@#$! HOLY S@#$!” Big Oil starts to climb out of the ring but Starz shoots out of nowhere and low-blows him. Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot busts a steel-folding chair over Big Oil’s head. Suave: “ROLL-UP BY STARZ…THAT’S IT! STARZ N. STRIPES WINS AND WILL WRESTLE FOR THE BCEW TITLE NEXT WEEK AT BCEW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3!” Starz stands tall in the ring amidst the carnage around him. Suave: “WE’LL BE LIVE AT OL’ MAN HANSON’S BARN NEXT WEEK!”

The main events for BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3:

BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Drunken Luchador’s Dan and Don Martini (Independent) defends their title against The Green World Order- Greenpete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance)
BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: “Defense Expert” Hallie Burton (American Patriots) defends her title versus “Empress Queen of the Media World” Opal Winfree w/Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance)
BCEW WORLD TITLE MATCH: Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy) (Progressive Alliance) vs. Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers (Independent)


‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic w/ Sheila the secretary (Independent) vs. Big Oil w/Texas Tex (American Patriots)

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