Friday, December 29, 2006

12/24- BCEW Christmas Extravaganza


“BCEW…BCEW!” chants the crowd as Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to the first annual BCEW Christmas Extravaganza on the Comic Book Channel. “I am Johnny Suave,” he says. He points to the appropriately Christmasy dressed life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “And if this ain’t a vision of Christmas I don’t know what is.” The crowd at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio agree.

The bar and the ring are covered with Christmas decorations which immediately bring out the Green World Order. The crowd boos as Peacenik #1 and #2, Peta from PETA, and Vegan Brock Cole Lee come out to the ring. “Oh, great,” Suave says. “I have a feeling my Christmas spirit is about to get sucked right out of me.” Peacenik #1 gets on the mic and screeches: “WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!” More boos.

Peacenik #1 complains about the Christmas decorations and says it’s insensitive to non-Christians. Peta from PETA chimes in about cutting down ‘poor, innocent pine trees’ by ax-wielding murderers to be used as Christmas trees. “How would you like it if someone chopped your feet off and drug you home and put ornaments and lights all over you?” “I’m game!” someone shouted back. “Oh, you’re just sick,” Peta responds. Peta demands that the Christmas d├ęcor be removed. She unscrolls a poster of actress Christina Ricci who recently incurred the wrath of the anti-fur fascists…er…activists by wearing reindeer fur on a W magazine cover. “We made her change her offensive ways. We’ll make this bar do the same.”

This brings out the manager of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina “Gigi” Ramsey. She comes out in a sexy Santa outfit complete with a mistletoe necklace and green and red fishnet stockings. The crowd bows down and chants: “We’re not worthy!” “I don’t think so,” Gigi tells the GWO. “If you don’t like the decorations, there’s the door. Don’t let it hit your ass when you leave.” She receives a standing ovation from the crowd. This infuriates Peta who again demands that Gigi take down all the Christmas decorations…or else. “Are you threatening me?” Gina asks. Peta responds they took down a world famous actress; they’d have no problem taking down a nobody bar manager.

This, of course, brings out Politically Incorrect in the guise of Santa (Nic) Koteen and his ‘elf’ Al Cahall. Koteen carries a huge bag of goodies over his shoulder into the ring. “HO, HO, HO,” he bellows. “And no, I’m not talking about you, Peta.” Peta is offended. Peacenik #1 rushes at Koteen and gets belted in the head with the bag of goodies. Peacenik #2 tries the same and gets a face-full of bag of stuff as well. Brock Cole Lee gets the same treatment. Koteen and Cahall get an ‘evil’ grin as they zero in on the last remaining member of the GWO in the ring- Peta. Peta tries to beg off and slip out of the ring. Gigi Ramsey grabs her by the collar and yanks her back in. “Oh no you don’t,” Gina says to Peta. “You don’t come into my bar and tell me what I can and can’t put up. She all yours, boys.” Ramsey pushes her into the waiting arms of Santa Koteen. “Ho, ho, ho!” he bellows again as Cahall scoops up Peta and carries her over his shoulder. “Put me down!” Peta screeches. She beats on Cahall’s back as he takes her out of the ring up to a wooden support beam just off the stage. “We’ll get back to that in a second,” Suave announces. “But, we have a match that’s supposed to take place.”

MATCH #1: GREEN WORLD ORDER (PEACENIK’S 1 AND 2) (Progressive Alliance) VS. THE DIXIE CHUCKS (Progressive Alliance)
The Dixie Chucks arrive to their theme music, “Not Ready to Make Nice” by the Dixie Chicks along with the leader of the Progressive Alliance, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean. “YEEE-AHHHHHHHH!” screams Dean into the microphone. He then tells both teams that the winner of this match will be the team that the Progressive Alliance pushes in 2007 for the tag team titles. The Dixie Chucks hear Dean’s instructions loud and clear. The GWO? Not so clear. Both Peacenik’s still lie on the ring canvas dazed from Santa Koteen’s attack.

The bell rings and immediately Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher race to the ring and protest the match. They try to get a restraining order but it’s too late. Chuck-atalie rolls over Peacenik #1 and gets the quick pin.


Dean raises the arm of Chuck-atalie in victory. Felcher and Felcher throws a fit in the ring. Peacenik #2 comes to and realizes they’ve lost the match. He starts throwing a fit. He then sees Peta outside the ring. Koteen and Cahall have duct taped her to the support beam and are now decorating her with Christmas ornaments and lighting. Cahall puts a Christmas Angel on the top of Peta’s head. Peacenik #2 grabs a mic and tells everyone that he’s finally realized the only way to defeat extremism is to be just as extreme. “As of this moment, you can call me ‘Greenpete,’ he says. “And I’m challenging both of you to a match right now!” Koteen and Cahall oblige and we have an impromptu match.

Greenpete, formerly Peacenik #2, starts along with Nic Koteen. Greenpete immediately rips off his Green World Order t-shirt and wraps it around Koteen’s neck. “Okay. That’s not a pacifist way of dealing with things,” Suave observes. Greenpete uses the shirt to whip Koteen through the ropes onto the floor below. He then takes the Santa bag full of goodies and beats him over the head with it over and over. “That’s definitely not a pacifist way either,” Suave says. Al Cahall tries to intervene but Greenpete swings the heavy bag and clocks Cahall in the face. Brock Cole Lee comes over and throws Cahall off the stage and through a front row table. “That’s MOST definitely not a pacifist way,” Suave says.

Greenpete grabs a strand of Christmas lights and wraps it around Koteen’s throat. “Okay, he’s snapped,” Suave says. “This goes beyond extreme!” The referee comes over to break the hold. Greenpete flings him into the ring steps. Horrified, Peacenik #1 tries to intervene. “This is NOT the right path,” Peacenik tries to explain. Greenpete tosses Koteen to the ground and sticks his foot on his chest. A second referee races out and counts out Koteen.


After the match, Greenpete goes down and untapes Peta from the support beam. He and Peacenik argue about the ‘extreme’ measures Greenpete took to defeat Politically Incorrect as they walk back to the locker room. “Wow!” Suave says. “It’s a brand new direction for the Green World Order.”

Jessica Simpson comes out to sing a Christmas song for the BCEW fans. She starts into “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and flubs up the reindeer’s names. “There was Dasher and Prancer and Blasher…er…,” she sings. Suave can’t believe it. “You mean to tell me that she can’t remember the words to a Christmas song?” he says. Simpson totally loses her train of thought, apologizes, and tearfully exits stage right.

MATCH #3 TRIPLE R (Progressive Alliance) vs. STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)
Arianna Huffington leads Road Rage Randy aka ‘Triple R’ out to the ring. Triple R rudely pushes and shoves people out his way as he stomps towards the ring to face off with the American Patriot’s Rookie Sensation, Starz N. Stripes. Dick, W’s aide de camp, and The Mastermind Karl Rove accompany Starz ringside. “This ought to be a good one,” Suave says. “The winner will surely move up the ladder of contention for the BCEW World Title.”

The bell rings and the match isn’t five seconds old when Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order jump Dick and The Mastermind outside the ring. Starz is momentarily thrown off which gives Triple R a free shot at him from behind. Triple R shoves Starz into the corner turnbuckle, bouncing his head off the steel ringpost. Greenpete throws a table into the ring and he and Brock Cole Lee drape the dazed Rookie Sensation across it. Triple R climbs to the top of the rope and leaps off, putting Starz N. Stripes through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims. Triple R covers and gets the win.


“I don’t believe it,” Suave says. “The Green World Order is rampaging through BCEW tonight!”

The CEO of BCEW watches the proceedings and is not happy. Dick and The Mastermind stumble back to his office. “What the **** is going on out there?” W demands to know. Dick tries to explain that the radical left has taken over the show. “Well, I’ll put a stop to this right now,” W says. He dials the phone and tries to reach Nancy Pelosi. “Hello…Nancy? It’s George W! Do you mind controlling your left-wing extremists?......What? What do you mean you don’t have time for this? WHAT? Planning your gala to celebrate your ascending to power? What the he-…hello…HELLO?” George W slams down the phone.

“Well, we always check in on the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley from the basement of his mother’s home,” Suave advises. “Let’s go there now.” Cut to an empty chair in front of a turned off television. “Hmmm,” Suave says. “Perhaps, Bruce is finally helping his mother around the house some. About freakin’ time!”

The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini stagger to the ring to defend their title against the Raving Rednecks. “I guess we’ll see if the Green World Order comes out for this match,” Suave says.


No Raving Rednecks. The Drunken Luchadors do their usual pre-match drinkfest and wait for the challengers to come out. “I wonder what is…hold on,” Suave says. “Let’s go to the back.”

Cut to the backstage. Both Locke and Loade are laid out on the floor with Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee standing above them. “Okay, I guess they’re not coming out for the match,” Suave quips. Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee tower over the fallen Rednecks. Finally, Peacenik enters and complains about the ‘excessive violence’ that ‘undermines their cause.’ “Listen Peacenik,” Greenpete replies. “I tried it your way and we were a laughingstock. A joke.” Greenpete turns to the camera and points. “Now, we aren’t. If making our point means taking it to the extreme, then so be it.” Brock Cole Lee joins him. “Three words that you all need to remember- WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!” Greenpete then tells Peacenik that he’s either with them or against them. Peacenik seems troubled by the ultimatum.


“Again, the Green World Order flexing their newfound muscle,” Suave comments. “It seems no one is safe from their rampage tonight.”

“YEEEE-AHHHHHH!” shouts ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, as he walks to the ring. “I guess this is the part where both cliques introduce their leaders for 2007,” Suave says. A joyously happy Dean prances in the ring. “This is a day to celebrate,” he announces. “The 2007-8 Progressive Alliance leadership team!” With a wave of his hand, four hunky guys come out carrying Nancy Pelosi. “What in the hell?” Suave asks. “What is this? A coronation?” Dean introduces Pelosi as “Queen” Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi waves regally to the crowd as she is carried towards the ring. “This is just too much,” Suave whines. A throne-like chair is placed in the middle of the ring and the guys gently place Pelosi there. “Next,” Dean continues. “The Pith Lord, Harry Reid aka Barth Rabidenous!” Reid comes out in a black robe with the hood over his head. “We have won a great victory!” Reid claims in his usual tersely cogent manner. Dean announces that this is the team that will lead the way to a Progressive Alliance CEO of BCEW in November of 2008.

“Yeah, yeah!” says The Mastermind Karl Rove. Rove appears on stage and heads to the ring.

“We’ve got our own dynamic leaders,” Rove claims. Suave chuckles. “Oh? Does that mean John McCain has a new post?” he wonders. Rove first introduces ‘the guy who will be the ‘Boehn’ (pronounced bane) of the Democrat’s existence, John Boehner. Boehner comes out to a less than enthusiastic response. “The ‘boehn’ of the Democrat’s existence?” Suave says. “Can’t they do better than that?” The Mastermind then calls out an old Republican war horse to ‘do battle once again against the forces of the liberal elitists!” An older southern gentlemen appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. “THEY’VE BROUGHT BACK TRENT LOTT!”

“STOP! STOP THIS NOW!” a voice shouts out. Suave: “What the hell? It’s…BRUCE COOLEY! THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMIC BOOK CHANNEL?” Cooley, dressed in his customary Hawaiian shirt and looking as if he hasn’t washed or shaved in a week, comes to the ring. “I bought this show to put on some old fashioned ‘sports entertainment!’” Cooley complains. “Stories. Male soap opera. Eye candy. Hot chicks looking…hot. Not this crazy extreme crap or some smartly dressed tart who thinks she’s a queen. Now if she was dressed in a bikini, that’ll be different!” Pelosi, of course, takes exception to being referred to as a smartly dressed tart.

“Perhaps, I could be of assistance,” another male voice calls out. “OH NO!” Suave says. “NOT HIM!” Seg McMann and his daughter Steffi come to the ring leading a donkey.

“I think it’s time that someone joins my exclusive club I like to call- The Seg McMann ‘Kiss My Ass’s Ass’ club!” Cooley smiles and exclaims: “That’s more like it!” Steffi screeches about her father being the king of ‘sports entertainment. “He knows what you all want to see!” she claims. “He’s the genius of pro wrestling!” Suave announces that he’s about to be sick. Steffi then states that she should be writing BCEW because, like her father, she knows what’s best, she knows what the audience wants.” Suave retches. “Now, I’m definitely going to be sick.” Seg gets on the microphone and laments the fact that the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin could not be located. “But, thanks to my new friends, the Green World Order, I have a more than fitting replacement,” McMann sneers. Peta from PETA comes out first holding a leash. “How’s about you scumbags see just how inhumane putting a collar around a poor helpless animal really is!” she shouts and yanks on the leash. The manager of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina ‘Gigi’ Ramsey, still dressed in her festive and very sexy Christmas garb, stumbles out with a dog collar around her neck and her hands tied behind her back. “What in the world?” Suave says. Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Greenpete roughly push Ramsey over to Seg and the donkey. Bruce Cooley wrings his hands and smiles. “This is not right,” Suave declares and the crowd agrees with him. “I don’t care what Johnny Suave says,” McMann states. “In fact, after Gina joins my club, Johnny can be the next one.” Suave retorts: “When hell freezes over.” Seg lifts Gina’s chin with his hand. “Now!” he says. “I want you to think of me as Donald Trump and yourself as Miss USA Tara Conner. Like Mr. Trump, I am graciously allowing you a second chance here if you…do the right thing!” Seg places the mic in Gina’s face. “**** you!” she says defiantly. Peta yanks hard on the leash again and Greenpete blasts Gina in the back, causing her to drop to her knees. Seg then rants that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls. “HOLY…HOLY CRAP!” a shocked Suave says. “I…er…ow!”

Seg’s eyes look as if they’re about to pop from their sockets. His mouth is wide open but no sound comes from his mouth. He covers his privates with his hands and quickly turns pale. Steffi goes ballistic. “This is your fault!” she says to Gina, jabbing her with her finger. “If you would have done what you were supposed to do, this wouldn’t have happened.” Steffi takes the leash away from Peta and pulls Gina towards a support beam. Peta yanks down some green decorative Christmas garland and wraps it around Gina’s face and inside her mouth, using it as a pseudo-gag. Then Steffi duct tapes Gina’s body to the support beam. “That’s enough!” Suave calls out. Peta pulls down some Christmas lights and wraps the cord around her neck. “SHE’S CHOKING HER!” Suave screams. The Hack’s audience is furious at this point. Seg still is frozen in place in more pain than anyone can imagine.

“HO, HO, HO!” a voice says. Santa Claus appears again. “It’s that Nic Koteen again,” says Peta. “Take care of him.” Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee confront Santa. Both GWO members try to intimidate Santa into going to the back. Finally, Greenpete yanks off Santa’s beard. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells. “That’s not Nic Koteen. That’s A. TOM BOMB!” The crowd cheers. Both Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee look shocked. A-Bomb smiles and then motions to the back. Very quickly, The Bomb Brother’s sister and very well-endowed valet, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, leads Hy Drogen Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb out. “Now the odds are evened back up,” Suave observes. H-Bomb walks over to Seg McMann and gently nudges him. Seg falls over. Daisy Cutter-Bomb pulls Peta by the hair away from Gina. Steffi looks away briefly, giving Gina a chance to kick her in the groin with her sharp toed heeled shoes. Daisy grabs Steffi and puts her in a head lock. Then she delivers a double bulldog on the stage to both Peta and Steffi. Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee slowly retreat from the three Bomb Brothers. They bump into Bruce Cooley who has a deer in the headlights expression. Greenpete and Brock Cole Lee glance at each other and then at Bruce Cooley. They nod and push Cooley into the Bomb Brothers and make their escape. “Hang on,” Suave says. “The president of the Comic Book Channel has a big, big problem.” Frightened, Cooley tries to play the ‘I’m the President of the Comic Book Channel and you can’t touch me card.’ Cooley then backs up towards Gina, who’s still duct taped to the support beam. He gets close enough that Gina, displaying an amazing show of dexterity, is able to lift her legs in the air high enough to wrap them around Cooley’s neck. “She’s got him!” Suave cheers. “She’s got him!” Trapped, Cooley struggles to get free before the cumulative effects of the air being blocked take effect. Cooley drops to one knee allowing Newt Tron Bomb to come over and stick his ass in Cooley’s face. “Oh no,” Suave says. “Better get a gas mask on because it’s time for…UGH! OH MY GOD, SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” Cooley’s eyes roll up and when Gina releases him he collapses on the floor. “LYSOL!” Suave calls out. “ANYONE GOT LYSOL?”

A-Bomb and H-Bomb set up three folding chairs in front of the ring. Daisy Cutter-Bomb drags Steffi over and throws her in the chair. A-Bomb duct tapes Steffi to the chair and stuffs several strips of tape over her mouth. The crowd cheers wildly and a chant of ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ ensues. H-Bomb carefully places a still in shock Seg McMann in the chair next to Steffi. Finally, A-Bomb duct tapes Bruce Cooley, the President of the Comic Book Channel, to the last chair. “You all can sit there and watch pro-wrestling the way IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE!” A-Bomb tells the three. “Let’s have the championship match!”

Escondido goes right after Sufferable before the bell even sounds, driving him into the turnbuckle and snap suplexing him. “Here we go,” Suave says. “Here’s hoping that Seg, Steffi, and Bruce get a real lesson on how wrestling should be.” Sufferable rallies with a boot to the face, but Escondido reverses and delivers a wicked dropkick that sends Sufferable flying. Escondido talks trash but Sufferable punts him to the apron and boots him to the floor. Escondido snaps Sufferable's neck off the top rope but Sufferable kicks his feet out from under him, planting his face right on the apron. Sufferable one-ups that, casually launching Escondido into the crowd barrier. Back in, Sufferable knocks the wind out of Escondido’s sails with a flapjack as Escondido tried to rally. Escondido blocks the suplex, but Sufferable tosses him in the corner and hits it anyway. In desperation, Escondido delivers an enzuigiri from the apron and springboards back in, but Sufferable catches him with a clothesline into a Boston Crab. Finally, Escondido catches a break as Sufferable charges wildly, and Escondido is able to dip his shoulder, sending the champion over the ropes to the floor. Escondido reaches deep in his bag of tricks and leaps over the ropes onto Sufferable. Back in, Escondido drills Sufferable with a springboard forearm. 2 count. Escondido backflips to counter a German Suplex and nails Sufferable with an inverted DDT for another two count. Escondido tries to finish off the champion, but Sufferable catches him with a powerslam for a 2 count of his own.

The Hack’s audience stand as one to cheer on the match. Steffi looks pissed off. Bruce wildly struggles to get out of the chair. And Seg? Seg’s still not with us, literally. Frustrated, Escondido catches Sufferable with a series of kicks, including a spin kick to the face. Escondido's own mouth has been busted open as well. He lifts Sufferable up and lays him flat out with a powerbomb. 1, 2, Not quite! Escondido throws himself against the ropes and races toward Sufferable and gets caught with a clothesline. Escondido kicks out at one. A chant of “THIS MATCH ROCKS!” echoes throughout the bar. Sufferable hits a powerbomb, but somehow Escondido kicks out again. Suddenly, Escondido pops up and headbutts Sufferable. Escondido goes for the Muscle Relaxer, but Sufferable blocks it. Escondido changes it up with a powerbomb and the five star frog splash! 1, 2, NO! Sufferable pushes Escondido into the ropes. Escondido falls right into the sharpshooter! Escondido…tries…to…grab…the…rope. Sufferable rolls him the other way, and Escondido taps out.


“What a match!” Suave exclaims. “And what a great way to wrap up 2006, right guys!” Cut to a still angry looking Steffi McMann, mutter all kinds of obscenities under her gage; Seg, who’s finally getting some medical attention; and Bruce Cooley, who appears to be distressed and put out at being duct taped to a chair and forced to watch actual wrestling. “Right!” Suave concludes. “Happy holidays. We’ll see you in January.”

Sunday, December 03, 2006

12/1- BCEW Extreme Political TV

“BCEW…BCEW!” chants the capacity crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen! We are live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio. This is BCEW Extreme Political TV!” Johnny Suave says. As usual, his companion at ringside is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave announces that hopefully after tonight we will know who the number one contenders are for both the BCEW World Title and then BCEW Tag Team belts will be. “But, we’ve got action going on right now!” Suave exclaims.

An all out brawls breaks out between the two parties, one chants “Felipe will fall!”; the other “Yes we did it!” Chairs fly. Fist fights all over the hall. “No, wait,” Suave comes back on. “That’s just the swearing in of the new Mexican president. Never mind.”

Cut to the backstage area. Famous actor Danny DeVito shares a drink with his newfound friends, BCEW Tag Team Champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini. “Geez, I wonder if DeVito’s been to sleep yet?” Suave wonders. DeVito laughs. “I don’t know,” he says, slightly slurred, “and I don’t care.” Dan Martini asks DeVito what the drink is. “Limoncello,” DeVito replies. Then he falls out of his chair. Both Martini Brothers, swigging from bottles of Jack Daniels, laugh. “I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that were going to get me,” DeVito laments. “We’ll drink to that, man,” Don Martini says.

The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade walk by. Earl Locke tells the BCEW Tag Team Champs they’d better enjoy their little party while they can. “We’re coming for those belts,” Locke says. Gary Loade does the whole pretend ‘wrapping the belts around their waist’ gesture. Both Martini Brothers and DeVito look at each other and then bust out laughing.

MATCH #1- THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (American Patriots) vs. THE BOMB BROTHERS- A.Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Sign Dude (Independent)
Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads the Bomb Brothers into the ring. Sign Dude’s sign this week says: “IF YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED ALL OVER THE RING BY THE BOMB BROTHERS, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK!” A.Tom (A-Bomb) gets on the mic and tells the Raving Rednecks it was nice to work with them last week in dispatching of the Green World Order but tonight it’s every team for themselves. “No offense. But we want those belts, too!” adds Hy-Drogen (H-Bomb) “and you stand in the way!”

A-Bomb and Locke to begin things. Lock up and a wristlock by Locke. Reversal and a knee drop by A-Bomb. Locke gets slammed to the corner. But then fights back with a head scissors to A-Bomb. Tag to Loade. Loade swings off the ropes and shoulder knocks down A-Bomb. A-Bomb fires back with right hands. Loade backs into corner. Locke gets cheap shot in and then H-Bomb joins the fray. All four in the ring brawl. Locke gets tossed out of the ring where Daisy Cutter-Bomb awaits. She nails Locke with a hurricane-rana and then kicks him in the groin. Back in the ring, slingshot leg drop by H-Bomb as he and A-Bomb double team Loade. “Locke and Loade are outnumbered,” Suave observes. H-Bomb and A-Bomb take turns dismantling Earl Loade.

The tag team champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini also show up ringside with their new pal Danny DeVito to watch. Daisy Cutter-Bomb deliberately cuts in front of the diminutive actor and blocks his view of the ring. In the ring, H-Bomb and A-Bomb continue to abuse Loade. Double suplex. Double leg-drop. “They could end this at any time,” Suave says. “Why don’t they cover?” Outside the ring, DeVito asks Daisy to move so he can see. She ignores him. A-Bomb climbs the corner turnbuckle and H-Bomb shoves an exhausted Loade up. “THEY’RE GOING TO ATOMIC POWER BOMB LOADE FROM THE TOP ROPE!” Suave excitedly says. Outside, again DeVito requests that Daisy move. She turns around and looks down at the actor, then goes back to watching the match. A-Bomb hits the Atomic Power Bomb from the top rope on Loade. “HOLY CRAP!” exclaims Suave. “Loade just got bounced off the canvas. He’s done!” DeVito, drunk and all, finally has enough and pushes Daisy from behind. Both DeVito and Daisy start jawing back and forth. H-Bomb notices the commotion and walks over. A-Bomb doesn’t cover Loade and he comes over. “What the hell!” Suave says, “Don’t worry about freakin’ Danny DeVito! Cover your man and win the match!” DeVito pushes Daisy again. Daisy kicks him in the gut. Don Martini breaks the Jack Daniels bottle over Daisy’s head and it’s on. “HOLY CRAP! NOW THE CHAMPIONS ARE INVOLVED!” Dan Martini tries a drop kick and misses badly, landing hard on his back. Both A-Bomb and H-Bomb leap out of the ring and attack Don Martini. DeVito looks like he’s about to throw up. “HEY!” Suave notices, “I THINK THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS TAUGHT DANNY DEVITO THEIR FINISHING MOVE!” DeVito retches and then vomits all over the floor. “OOOOH, lemony!” Suave says. A-Bomb slips on the vomit and cracks his head on the floor. H-Bomb is preoccupied with Don Martini. Locke, who’s been out on the floor recuperating, rolls over and covers A-Bomb in the muck. 1-2-3. Match.


H-Bomb is furious and snaps. He picks up the referee and gives him a sit-down Hydrogen Power Bomb on the outside. Then he picks up Dan Martini and sit-down Hydrogen Power Bombs him. H-Bomb then grabs Danny DeVito by the neck and lifts him up. DeVito’s legs are several feet off the ground. “HE’S GOING TO HYDROGEN POWER BOMB DANNY DEVITO TOO!” Suave says. Then out of nowhere, DeVito vomits in H-Bomb’s face. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says. H-Bomb drops DeVito and tries to clear the vomit out of his eyes.

The crowd stands up as three men wearing blond and brunette women’s wigs hit the ring. “THEY’RE BACK!” Suave shouts, THEY’RE NOT READY TO MAKE NICE, THEY’RE THE DIXIE CHUCKS AND THEY’RE BACK IN BCEW!” Suave explained that the Dixie Chucks were three men who all shared the same first name- Chuck- who each dressed up like a member of the Dixie Chicks and wore wigs to symbolize which Dixie Chick the Dixie Chuck dressed up as. Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie pounce on Earl Loade in the ring. “It’s payback time!” Suave says as the Dixie Chucks pick up Loade and heave him over the top rope. “Goodbye Earl!” quips Suave.

Chuck-atalie gets on the mic. He calls the audience “haters” and tells them all to sit down and shut up. Chuck-atalie announces that in recognition of the great, new documentary on the Dixie Chicks “Shut Up and Sing,” the Dixie Chucks have come back to BCEW to reclaim what’s rightfully theirs- the BCEW Tag Team Belts. “I hope, with the help of the Progressive Alliance, that we can-” He is interrupted when Felcher and Felcher, extreme attorneys and also members of the Progressive Alliance, come out with the Green World Order. R Felcher tells the Dixie Chucks that the Progressive Alliance is now pushing the Green World Order for the tag team belts in the name of fairness and justice. Peacenik #1 tells the Dixie Chucks that it’s ‘their turn’ and they have the full support of the leadership of the Progressive Alliance-” *YEEEE-AHHHHHH!* Out comes the Leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard Dean along with the “Attack Poodle” Nancy Pelosi and “Pith Lord” Harry Reid. “Hold your horses,” Dean tells Peacenik #1. “No one said that we were pushing the Peaceniks for the Tag Team title belts!” Pelosi explains that due to some legal maneuvering by the Felchers, the Peaceniks got their shot. “You lost most convincingly!” adds the Pith Lord Harry Reid referring to the Peaceniks loss in less than ten seconds to the Bomb Brothers last week. Both Felchers bitterly complain about how unfair and unjust it would be since the GWO has been discriminated against in BCEW for their lack of wrestling ability. Peacenik #1 demands that the GWO be named the main Progressive Alliance contender for the tag team belts. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid confer. “All right,” Dean says. “next week on the BCEW cable show “Politics Is War,” the Peacenik’s will take on the Dixie Chucks and the winner of that match will become the tag team the Progressive Alliance pushes for the tag team titles. “THAT’S NOT FAIR!” whines B Felcher. “Our clients rights are being violated!” R Felcher adds: “The Dixie Chucks are much stronger and more athletic! They have an unfair advantage!” Dean is unmoved.

“Okay,” Suave says, “the Progressive Alliance infighting gets settled next week on BCEW-Politics Is War on the Comic Book Channel, Peacenik’s 1 & 2 of the Green World Order vs. the Dixie Chucks.” Suave also announces that both the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance will formally reveal their management teams for 2007 and a look at the looming battle for the BCEW CEO post that will cumulate with BCEW Extreme Election Night 2008.

MATCH #2- “The Rookie Sensation” STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. “No Frills” CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
“The winner of this match gets a title shot against the BCEW champion Justin Sufferable!” Suave says. Starz N. Stripes is accompanied to the ring by the aide de camp to BCEW CEO George W, Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove. Suave explains what happened last week when Starz N. Stripes intervened in the Escondido- Triple R-Road Rage Randy match and cost Triple R the win.

Lock up, to the corner and elbows by Starz. He beats down Escondido. Forearms by Starz, off the ropes into a clothesline by Escondido. Escondido tosses the Rookie Sensation to the floor and follows. Escondido slides out and slams Starz to the corner post, back in, up top and a springboard clothesline by Escondido. A tilt a whirl slam by Escondido outside the ring for a 2 count. Rights to Starz, and into the chinlock goes the Rookie Sensation. Starz escapes and gets a leg lariat to Escondido. This time, it’s Escondido thrown out to the floor followed by a suicide dive by Starz. Rights by Starz as both men brawl on the floor again. Escondido whips Starz to the steel steps.

The Mastermind Karl Rove stares down Escondido. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Suave says. Pointing to his temple to show everyone that he’s still a freakin’ genius, Rove distracts Escondido and Starz gets a clothesline. Escondido gets right back up and levels the Rookie Sensation with a clothesline of his own. Chops by Escondido, and then a suplex. Head butts by Starz and then elbows and Escondido is down. Starz stands on his head, and then delivers rights to Escondido. More chops and rights by Starz and he beats Escondido down. Escondido rallies. He fires back now, off the ropes and eats a sidekick by the Rookie Sensation. “I’ll say this,” Suave says, “The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes is getting better by the week.” Starz lays the boots to Escondido, picks him up and more rights to the former champ. On the outside, Dick exhorts Starz to finish the match. Starz stands on Escondido’s back now and then clubs away at the back, and then sits down on his back. Suplex by Starz and then he covers for a 2 count Leg drop on Escondido's chest. Another suplex and then a neck breaker. Another 2 count. Escondido tries to get up and fight back. Starz is set up top of the corner turnbuckle. “He’s going to finish him!” Suave says, “Starz N. Stripes is about to take the next step…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES TRIPLE R!”

Just as the Rookie Sensation prepares to frog splash Escondido, Triple R runs out and cracks a steel-folding chair over the back of his head. Knocked out, Starz tumbles from the top rope to the canvas. Triple R jumps in the ring and drags Escondido over. 1-2-3.


“Just as Starz N. Stripes is ready for a career-defining win, Triple R comes out and gets revenge for what happened last week,” Suave explains. “It looks like Escondido will get the title shot against Justin Sufferable. But what now with Starz N. Stripes and Triple R-Road Rage Randy!”

“Williams, the University of Maryland’s men’s basketball coach, was heavily critical of four teams from the Missouri Valley Conference making the NCAA tournament last year,” Suave explains. “Apparently, he has more to say about the subject.”

Williams claims that the ACC should get at least six teams in the 2007 NCAA tournament. Williams adds he didn’t consider scheduling a MVC school. He calls the claim that virtually all MVC schools had called ACC schools looking to schedule game more "urban legend." Williams’s phone rings. He checks the caller ID- ‘Wichita State.’ "Um, it’s not like they’ve been banging down anyone's door in the ACC to play," Williams claims. "The phone works both-” Another phone rings- ‘Southern Illinois.’ “Right,” he continues, “ah…the last time I checked, they can call us just as easily as I can…um…answer…the phone,” Williams stammers. Another phone rings- ‘Bradley.’ Then another…and another phone rings- ‘Northern Iowa,’ ‘Illinois State.’ More phones ring. Williams awkwardly smiles and tries to ignore the phones. “So remember us in March,” he says as several phones go off in the background. Then he runs off camera.

“Tell you what, Gary,” Suave says, “go play a mid-major at their place and then we can talk!”

Baron Von Munchke comes out in a black hooded robe holding his right hand in the air like a claw. “Baron Von Munchke?” Suave repeats. “What the hell? An old school gimmick!”

The bell rings. Both men circle around. They lock up. Von Munchke gets an arm bar on Sufferable. Then Von Munchke tosses Sufferable to the ropes and clotheslines him. Von Munchke goes for the ‘claw.’ “I guess we’ll see just how well the Baron’s claw works against the champion,” Suave observes. He applies it for a few seconds. Sufferable sits up with Von Munchke still applying the claw, grabs his Singapore cane, and cracks the old school wrestler over the head with it. “I guess the claw doesn’t work very well,” Suave concludes. Sufferable covers. Match over quicker than Kid Rock’s marriage to Pamela Anderson.


Suave reminds everyone to check out BCEW-Politics Is War on the Comic Book Channel next week. Triple R vs. Starz N. Stripes. The Dixie Chucks vs. The Peaceniks. The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade wrestle for the tag team belts against the Drunken Luchadors Don and Dan Martini.