Wednesday, November 22, 2006

11/20- BCEW Extreme Political TV

OPEN
“Happy Thanksgiving everyone! We are north of the border and live at the Hudson High School gymnasium in Hudson, Michigan!” Johnny Suave announces. “I am Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard is a life-size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain! Welcome to BCEW Extreme Political TV.” Suave quickly recaps BCEW- Extreme Election Night 2006 and announces that the new BCEW World Champion is the Progressive Alliance’s Justin Sufferable. There’s a commotion in the back. “What the hell?” Suave says.

MICHAEL RICHARDS SEGMENT

A. Tom Bomb of the Bomb Brothers comes up holding the comic up by his throat. “I’M SORRY!” Richards wails. “I DIDN’T MEAN THOSE AWFUL THINGS!” Hy Drogen Bomb follows behind with a table. “Oh, oh,” Suave says. “If you didn’t hear about this, it seems Michael Richards didn’t like being heckled while doing his stand up so he launched into a tirade against a couple people in the audience. It looks like the former Seinfeld star’s mouth has him in big, big trouble with the Bomb Brothers.” H-Bomb tells Richards that he was at that show over the weekend and didn’t appreciate the things that he said. Richards again tries to profusely apologize. H-Bomb sets up the table and then helps A-Bomb climb the top turnbuckle. Richards screams as A-Bomb power A-Bombs him through the table from the top rope. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says and the first ‘BCEW’ chant of the night starts.

Suave then announces that in lieu of what happened at Extreme Election Night when Extreme Attorneys At Law The Felchers used the judicial system to get the Green World Order a title shot for the tag team belts, one of the first things that Progressive Alliance and American Patriots have agreed on is to have a series of matches to determine the number one contender for the BCEW Tag Team belts. “The first match will be the Green World Order’s Peacenik’s 1 & 2 against the Bomb Brothers,” announces Suave.

MATCH #1- PEACENIK’S 1 & 2 of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. THE BOMB BROTHERS with Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Sign Dude, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb (Independent)
The other two members of the Green World Order, Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peta from PETA, come out to support the Peaceniks. Brock Cole Lee takes the mic from the extreme ring announcer Charlene Ann Beckworth and tells the crowd that no one should celebrate Thanksgiving. The crowd boos in return. Lee states it’s immoral to celebrate a holiday where innocent creatures are murdered to provide food. Peta from HETA agrees. She recommends a vegan alternative instead. “We also shouldn’t celebrate a holiday that resulted in the extermination of the indigenous people who were here first!” Peta lectures the crowd to more boos.

Then Politically Incorrect appears. The crowd cheers on Al Cahall who drinks a beer and wheels out a portable oven that seems to be cooking a turkey inside. The BCEW crowd chants “IT’S FOR DINNER!” “Happy Thanksgiving everyone!” says Cahall’s partner, Nic Koteen, smoking a cigarette. Then NRA comes out dressed in a pilgrim’s suit. This angers the Green World Order. All four members shout at Politically Incorrect as the bell rings and the Bomb Brothers hit the ring behind them. A. Tom Bomb grabs Peacenik #1 and rolls him up from behind. The referee counts 1-2-3. “THAT’S IT!” Suave bellows, “THE BOMB BROTHERS WIN IN LESS THAN TEN SECONDS!”

WINNER: THE BOMB BROTHERS

The GWO can’t believe it. Politically Incorrect laughs at them and rolls their portable oven back to the locker room. “What a start!” Suave says. “The Green World Order got distracted by Politically Incorrect and the Bomb Brothers score a quick win.” Suave also explains that they’ll meet the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade next week for a chance at the BCEW Tag Team titles.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE CELEBRATION
“YEEEEE-AAAAHHHHHH!” says the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean. Dean comes out with the Attack Poodle, Nancy Pelosi, the Pith Lord, Harry Reid, and the NEW BCEW World Champion Justin Sufferable to celebrate their huge wins at Extreme Election Night. Dean gets on the microphone first. He says that what the Progressive Alliance accomplished two weeks ago was more than just win a few wrestling matches. For the first time in a long, long time, the Progressive Alliance have a majority on the BCEW Competition Committee. Pelosi promises that there will be changes in the way the competition committee puts together matches and she states that unlike the American Patriots, they will include the opposition in determining matches. Then the Pith Lord comes on. “The Progressive Alliance have struck a heavy blow against the American Patriots!” Reid says in his usual cogently terse way. Finally, the champion speaks. “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” he says. In a bit of a departure for him, Sufferable puts over the former champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido as a worthy adversary and a good champion. Sufferable then adds, “I promise that he will get my first title defense-”

Triple R-Road Rage Randy’s music interrupts. Triple R, accompanied by a bandaged up Arianna Huffington from being put through a table at Extreme Election Night by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, marches to the ring, pushing out of the way several people in the process. Huffington gets on the mic and castigates Dean for not helping Ned Lamont defeat Joe Lieberman. “I think you all owe Triple R a huge thank you for helping your guy Justin Sufferable win the title,” Huffington claims. Huffington then claims it’s proof that to fight the extremism of the American Patriots, you need to be just as extreme as they are. Triple R gets in Sufferable’s grill and demands that HE gets the first title shot. Huffington agrees.

Then a off-key mariachi band appears playing a horrible version of ‘Hail to the Chief.’ “IT’S GEORGE W!” Suave says. BCEW CEO George W comes to the ring. W reminds them that no matter what, he’s still in charge. He then pledges to work with Pelosi on the competition committee. Triple R sneers and calls him a lame duck. “I want my title shot!” he shouts, “and I want it-”

Out of nowhere, “No Frills” Chris Escondido jumps Triple R and starts to pound him. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. “IT’S A LITTLE PAYBACK TIME FOR TRIPLE R!” Huffington screams at Dean to do something. George W has security separate the two. “Y’all wanna fight?” W says. “You’ve got it. Okay Nancy?” Pelosi concurs. “Later tonight, it’ll be ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Triple R in this ring,” George W announces. And with that, George W and the off-key mariachi band leaves.

‘Th’ Old War Horse’ John Murtha comes out next. Huffington then demands that the Progressive Alliance install him as one of the chief lieutenants on the BCEW competition committee. Steny Hoyer comes out and claims he has the support of the rank and file in the Progressive Alliance. Huffington again screeches at Dean. Dean throws up his hands and tells Murtha and Hoyer to go settle it in the ring. A referee appears…

MATCH #2- ‘Th’ Old War Horse’ JOHN MURTHA vs. STENY HOYER
Huffington, Dean, Pelosi, and Reid stay ringside to watch. Both men jaw a bit and lock up. They spin into the corner and Hoyer backs off. Lockup, then a headlock by Murtha. Hoyer counters and an arm bar by Murtha. Hoyer rolls out and nails Murtha with a right. They talk trash again and lock up. Arm bar by Hoyer, into the wristlock. Murtha tries to roll out. Hoyer eye pokes him and lays the boots to Murtha. Rights to Murtha, off the ropes and a hip toss and cover for one. An arm drag and cover for 1. Monkey flip by Hoyer for another one count. While Hoyer’s back is turned, Nancy Pelosi sneaks in and takes his legs out from under him. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! NANCY PELOSI HAS THROWN HER SUPPORT TO TH’ OLD WAR HORSE!”

Huffington cheers as a stunned Hoyer gets back to his feet. Murtha’s hip toss sends Hoyer out to the floor. Huffington gets a couple cheap shots in before Hoyer gets back in the ring. Take down, some reversals and Murtha steps on Hoyer's head. Hoyer reverses and slams Murtha to the corner. Hoyer tosses Murtha to the apron. Running dropkick by Hoyer and Murtha falls to the floor. Hoyer charges, fakes the dive and gets a double sledge off the apron. Hoyer drops Murtha throat first onto the barrier. Before Huffington or Pelosi can interfere, the action goes back into the ring and Hoyer covers for 2. Off the ropes and a hip toss and fist drop by Hoyer. Running kick to the back of Murtha' head and a cover for 2. Old school nerve hold by Hoyer now. Pelosi again intervenes with an elbow breaking the hold. Huffington then jumps off the ropes and a springboard cross body misses Hoyer.

Suddenly, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, the valet for the Bomb Brothers, runs out and clobbers Huffington. Daisy chokes Huffington on the ropes while Hoyer snap mares Murtha into an inverted surfboard. Murtha fights to escape. Hoyer sets Murtha up top on the tree of woe and places a steel-folding chair by his face. The baseball slide dropkick connects. Pelosi grabs a chair and tosses it in the ring. Daisy grabs the chair and chases Pelosi away. Murtha out of the tree and down. Hoyer covers! 1-2-3. Match.

WINNER: STENY HOYER

“Nancy Pelosi threw her support to Murtha and lost,” Suave says. “How will this affect her leadership position with the rest of the Progressive Alliance? We’ll find out.”

RUPERT MURDOCH
Rupert Murdoch comes to the ring. “I wonder what he wants” Suave ponders. Murdoch takes the microphone from Charlene Ann Beckworth, the official extreme ring announcer of BCEW.

“Say,” Murdoch begins, “does anybody here think that an O.J. Simpson book that hypothetically explains ‘how he would have killed Ron and Nicole if he actually killed them’ would be a good idea.” Stunned silence follows. Then the crowd roars negatively and immediately heave their chairs into the ring. “Apparenty, the answer is no,” quips Suave as Murdoch is overwhelmed and buried underneath the steel-folding chairs.

After a fifteen minute break to clear the ring of the chairs and drag out what’s left of Rupert Murdoch, it’s time for the main event.

MATCH #3 “No Frills” CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) VS. TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGE RANDY (Progressive Alliance) with Arianna Huffington
“Triple R cost Chris Escondido the BCEW World Title at Extreme Election Night,” Suave explains. “Escondido wants revenge in a bad way.” Triple R taunts Escondido. “The glare that Escondido is giving Triple R right now would melt steel,” Suave observes. Escondido grabbed early control, hitting the Rolling Rock leg drop on Triple R who quickly retreats to the floor. Escondido follows up his attack on the outside, hitting a corkscrew legdrop. Escondido then launches Triple R into a chair. Escondido grabs a steel folding chair, but Huffington grabs it from behind. Escondido turned around to stare down Huffington which gave Triple R enough time to push him into her from behind. Then Triple R clobbers him with a steel-folding chair not once, not twice, but three times in a row.

“Wait a second,” Suave says, “I’m getting some kind of message from backstage.” In the locker room of the American Patriots, George W’s aide de camp Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove tells the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes to go to the ring and exert his presence with authority. “You deserve a shot at the BCEW World Title just as much as Escondido and Triple R,” Dick tells him. “Now, get your ass out there and do something for once!”

“Okay,” Suave says. “Interesting.” Triple R puts a chair on Escondido and stomps on it. After a two count, Triple R remains on attack and drops Escondido throat-first onto the chair. Triple R keeps control, using the chair as well as a belt off the cameraman to beat down Escondido. The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes finally gets to the ring and Triple R immediately turns on him. The two exchanged shots with Triple R winning out, allowing him to hit a clothesline and kick. Triple R heaves Starz out of the ring and turns to follow up on Escondido when out of nowhere, Escondido dropkicks a chair into Triple R's face. Escondido then nails him with a top-rope superplex onto a chair, followed by the cover for the win.

WINNER: “No Frills” CHRIS ESCONDIDO

“Paybacks are a bitch for Triple R,” Suave crows. “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes distracted him long enough for Escondido to get the win!” Arianna Huffington throws another fit and demands that the referee DQ Escondido. Suave quickly points out that there’s no disqualification in BCEW. “See you next time on BCEW Extreme Political TV!” Suave says.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

11/7- BCEW Extreme Election 2006 PPV

Going into BCEW Extreme Election 2006:

BCEW WORLD CHAMPION: “No Frills” Chris Escondido (Independent)
CONTENDERS:
#1- Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance)
#2- Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots)
#3- Triple R-Road Rage Randy (Progressive Alliance)

BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: “Drunken Luchadors” Don and Dan- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independents)
CONTENDERS:
#1- Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade (American Patriots)
#2- The Warmonging Bomb Brothers- A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb (Independent)
#3- Peacenik #1 and #2 (Progressive Alliance)

------------------------------
OPEN
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Johnny Suave shouts, “WELCOME TO BCEW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2006!” The crowd chants ‘BCEW!’ and wave various placards in support of either the American Patriots or the Progressive Alliance. “My name is Johnny Suave and with me tonight, thank God, is a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. We are live tonight at the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.” Suave runs down the card for the night leading up to the title defense by “No Frills” Chris Escondido against the Progressive Alliance’s Justin Sufferable. Suave points out that Sufferable is not 100% going into tonight. “Let’s recap what happened last week,” he says.

REPLAY- JUSTIN SUFFERABLE PROMO FROM BCEW POLITICS IS WAR CABLE TV SHOW
“Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” he said. Sufferable told the BCEW Champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido that he’d better be ready for an all out extreme war. He said the last time BCEW Politics Is War was on the air, he got screwed out of his title shot and it left a bad taste in his mouth- bad enough that he actually threw up. “At BCEW Extreme Election Night, nothing will stop me from my destiny, winning the BCEW Title,” Sufferable said and then added, “My name is Justin Sufferable and I approved this mess-” “WHAT THE HELL!” Suave shouted as Triple R (Road Rage Randy) attacked Sufferable with a lead pipe. “What is he doing?” Triple R whacked away at the right knee of Sufferable. “TRIPLE R IS GOING TONYA HARDING ON JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” said Suave. Immediately, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid raced in to stop Triple R. Finally, several members of the Progressive Alliance have Triple R removed while Dean tended to Justin Sufferable. Later, paramedics came in and stretchered Sufferable out to a waiting ambulance.

“There you have it,” Suave says. “Can Justin Sufferable make through the match tonight? Did Triple R- Road Rage Randy do enough damage that Sufferable will be denied yet again the BCEW Title?”

JOY BEHAR/ELISABETH HASSELBECK SEGMENT
“Well, we usually don’t have celebrities show up here,” Suave says. The View’s Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck appear in the ring as guest ring announcers for the first match. Behar starts by announcing that she wanted to discuss the remarks made by the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK last week. Behar states that JFK should have kept his mouth shut. “Thank God John F’n Kerry isn’t president,” Hasselbeck says. “He is so elitist!” Behar responds by stating Kerry made a mistake. “How many jokes has George W screwed up?” she asks. “It’s half my act!” Hasselbeck and Behar bicker. “If people are stupid enough to think that the war has been a good thing, then go ahead,” Behar snaps. “WHOOOAAAAAAAA!” the crowd goes. “Oh yeah,” Hasselbeck returns. “Yeah!” Behar says. Hasselbeck throws down the mic and tackles Behar. “YES!” Suave shouts as the crowd stands up. “CATFIGHT!” Suave screeches, “CATFIGHT!” Hasselbeck and Behar continues to roll around in the ring. “You know, it’s not Paris Hilton or Jessica Alba,” Suave comments, “but it’ll do.”

Thankfully, Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out to announce the first match after the two View hosts roll out of the ring.

MATCH #1- “THE REAL TENNESSEAN” BOB CORKER (American Patriots) vs. “FANCY” HAROLD FORD (Progressive Alliance)
Suave advises that this match could get really nasty. The bell rings and we’re off. “BCEW Extreme Election Night 2006 is underway,” proclaims Suave. Corker and Ford tie up in the middle of the ring. Both men trade slaps to the chest. Corker then launches Ford into the ropes and clotheslines him coming back off. Ford reverses and throws Corker into the ropes and lands a big boot to the chin. Ford then launches himself off the ropes at Corker. Corker bends down and flips Ford over the top rope out of the ring. “BCEW!” the crowd chants as Ford lands hard outside. Corker grabs a chair and pastes Ford with it. Then Corker flings Ford into the steel barricade. Corker tries to clothesline Ford over the barricade into the crowd, Ford moves and The Real Tennessean flies over the barricade. Ford stands up on the barricade to splash Corker, Corker kicks the barricade and Ford crotches himself on the steel bar. “WOW!” Suave says, “that’s a whole new level of pain right there.” The first “holy s---” chant of the night appears. Ford tips off the barricade onto the floor. Corker hits an elbow drop, a few clubbing blows to the back. He grabs a table and sets it up on the outside. A couple more clubbing blows and then Corker places Ford on the table and goes up on the ring apron. “INCOMING!” Suave says as Corker leaps off the edge of the ring. But in the time it took for Corker to climb back on the ring,

“The Natural” Barack Obama races out and pulls Ford off the table just as Corker plows through and breaks the table cleanly in half. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out as another “BCEW” chant breaks out. “The Natural” just saved Ford’s ass on that one.” Ford goes on offense. He bounces Corker’s head off the corner turnbuckle. Flings him into the ring steps. Snap suplex onto the floor. Ford picks up Corker by the hair and tosses him back into the ring. Then Ford grabs a chair and whaps him in the back with it. Ford rolls Corker onto the chair and climbs up to the top rope. He hits a big frog splash crushing Corker on the steel chair. “Corker’s in trouble,” Suave says as Ford continues to pummel away at the “Real Tennessean.” Ford hits another snap suplex followed by a hurrican-rama and then a back neckbreaker that almost tears Corker in half. Ford goes outside and grabs a table of his own. He sets it up in the ring and puts Corker on it. Ford goes up to the top rope.

Suddenly, The Mastermind Karl Rove comes out and pushes Ford off the top rope onto the floor below. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says. “Ford and Corker are both down.” Corker manages to fall off the table and pull himself up first. Ford staggers outside the ring. Corker baseball slides under the bottom rope and drills Ford, pushing him back into the barricade. Corker then hits a low blow, rakes the eyes, and then throws Ford back into the ring. Corker sets the table straight up in the corner of the ring. Ford staggers up, doesn’t see Corker. Ford turns and Corker gores him and puts him through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says again. “WOW! Ford’s out.” Corker covers. 1-2-3.

WINNER: “THE REAL TENNESSEAN” BOB CORKER

“A tough one for the “Real Tennessean” Bob Corker, but the American Patriots get the pinfall from the first match of the night,” Suave says.

GREEN WORLD ORDER PROMO
Peacenik #1 & 2 stand behind Felcher and Felcher, extreme attorneys at law and counsel for the Green World Order. R Felcher states that tonight the BCEW Tag Team belts will go to a diverse, tolerant, peaceful, progressive, and worthy tag team. B Felcher says that because of their legal maneuvering, the Green World Order will finally get the opportunity that they’ve been long since denied. “Fairness dictates that it’s time for the Green World Order to have their turn as the BCEW tag team champions!” R Felcher claims.

“Yeah, I guess we’ll see just how ‘fair’ the night goes,” Suave cracks. Suave starts into the next match. He recaps the first match up between Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont. The replay shows that Lieberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Lieberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Lieberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Lieberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Lieberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.

MATCH #2- THREE WAY DANCE- JOE LIEBERMAN (Independent), NED LAMONT (Progressive Alliance), and ALAN SCHLESINGER (American Patriots)
“All right, the Left Wing Bloggers Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman were the difference the last time Lieberman and Lamont met up,” explained Suave. “This time, Alan Schlesinger may be the wild card of the group.” The bell rings and immediately the Bloggers pile into the ring and attack Lieberman. Schlesinger joins in. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S FIVE AGAINST ONE!” Suave says as the referee is powerless to prevent the outside interference. Lieberman is whipped into the ropes and Daily Kos and Media Matters set to double team him. Lieberman clotheslines the two bloggers but then gets blindsided by Eric Alterman.

The Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb) runs out. “HERE THEY COME!” Suave says as the crowd stands up and cheers, “THE ODDS HAVE JUST BEEN EVENED UP!” A-Bomb power slams Eric Alterman. H-Bomb lifts Daily Kos in the air and tosses him over the top rope through a ringside table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as Daily Kos is buried amongst the remains of the table. “BCEW!...BCEW!” chants the crowd. A-Bomb corners Alan Schlesinger. Schlesinger desperately calls out to the American Patriots for help. As A-Bomb lifts him up and Newt Tron Bomb sets a table up in the ring, Schlesinger calls out for Dick, or The Mastermind Karl Rove, or even the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. No help arrives and A-Bomb power A-Bombs Schlesinger through the table. Lieberman covers and Schlesinger is eliminated. The crowd serenades Schlesinger with the ‘na, na. hey-hey-hey goodbye’ song.

H-Bomb decks Media Matters and then climbs out of the ring. He grabs Media Matters’s legs and crotches him on the ringpost. H-Bomb then rolls him out of the ring. “IT’S DOWN TO LIEBERMAN AND LAMONT NOW!” Suave says. “Now we’ll find out just what Lamont is made of.” Lamont appears unsure and turns around looking for help. He calls for The American Screamer Howard Dean, “The Natural” Barack Obama, or anyone else from the Progressive Alliance. Like Schlesinger, no help arrives. “I think its safe to say that the ‘Joe-mentum’ is on Lieberman’s side now,” Suave says. Suddenly, another left wing blogger, Arianna Huffington, shrieks down the aisle towards the ring to help Lamont and runs into the manager of the Bomb Brothers Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy lays her out with a wicked clothesline. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and sets him up for his closer. “LIEBERMAN’S GOING FOR THE ‘JOE-STOPPER!” Suave says. Lamont turns around just in time to catch a superkick right to his chin. “That’s a pretty good kick for an old guy,” Suave cracks. “I didn’t think he could get his leg that high.” Lamont drops as if he’s been shot. Lieberman covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: JOE LIEBERMAN

Huffington throws a fit and stomps around at ringside as Joe holds up his hand in victory. “Well, that’s one for the American Patriots; one for the independents,” Suave advises. “We’ve got Mike DeWine taking on Sherrod Brown coming up and-”

Suave gets interrupted by Mike Walker, the manager of the Pizza Galaxy. Mike demands to know where Tessa is being held. “I don’t know,” Suave replies. “I have nothing to do with-” Seg McMann appears in the ring. “Great,” Suave mumbles. “I was hoping I wouldn’t see him tonight.” Seg tells Mike ‘not to worry.’ “She’s just hanging out at her new home.” Skip, president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity, appears on the big screen television. “She makes a great wall decoration,” Skip says and points to where a cryogenically frozen BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin hangs. Seg then makes a smart ass remarks to Mike that Tessa ‘probably won’t be at work tonight.’ He starts to laugh and turns his back on Mike. Mike climbs into the ring and clubs Seg in the back with his pizza paddle. “F### him up Mike, f### him up!” chants the crowd. Mike then whacks the Sports Entertainment Guy over and over with the pizza paddle. Another “BCEW” chant follows. Then Mike points at Skip and tells him he’s on his way.

“Wow. Mike’s a little pissed off. Probably because he’s losing money on deliveries that can’t be made,” Suave explains. In the ring, Seg McMann looks a mess. “Can someone scrape him out of the ring so we can have our next match?” Suave asks.

MATCH #3- MIKE DeWINE (American Patriots) vs. SHERROD BROWN (Progressive Alliance)
Brown comes out on fire. Chops, punches. Brown whips DeWine into the ropes and delivers a back body drop. Leg drop. Quick cover. DeWine kicks out. “Brown not messing around tonight,” Suave observes. “He is all business.” Brown again whips DeWine into the ropes and another back body drop. Brown reverse chinlocks DeWine. Then he lifts DeWine in the air and suplexes him. Again, Brown covers. DeWine barely escapes. DeWine checks out of the ring and Brown follows. They brawl. Shoulder block by Brown followed by a leg drop. Brown elbow drops DeWine. DeWine scores a dropkick to the leg and then sentons Brown to the floor. “DeWine’s finally getting some offense in.” Suave notes.

“Boots to Brown. DeWine rolls him back in the ring, follows with sling shot splash into the ring and DeWine covers for a 2 count. DeWine works the arm now with an arm bar. Brown fights, but DeWine clubs him right back down. Arm bar into a top wristlock. Brown fights to his feet. Off the ropes, springing leg lariat by DeWine. A clothesline and a back springing elbow gets DeWine another 2 count. He goes to the 2nd rope… “WHAT’S THIS?” Suave says, “I DON’T BELIEVE WHO JUST CAME TO RINGSIDE!” DeWine looks horrified as Ohio Governor Bob Taft, former Representative Bob Ney, and former fund raiser Tom Noe appears. DeWine tells them he doesn’t need their help. Distracted, DeWine gets rolled up by Brown for a 2 count. “THAT WAS CLOSE!” Suave shouts out. DeWine continues to motion the scandal ridden three to go away. Taft grabs a steel folding chair and gets into the ring. “What the hell is HE doing?” Suave asks. Brown doesn’t see Taft behind him. Taft swings the chair, at the last second Brown ducks out of the way, and Taft plasters DeWine in the face with the chair. The crowd directs a “You f***ed up, you f***ed up!” chant at Bob Taft, Suave goes “HOLY CRAP!” and Brown covers for the win.

WINNER: SHERROD BROWN

“Bob Taft, Bob Ney, and Tom Noe brings down Mike DeWine tonight,” Suave says. “Score one for the Progressive Alliance!” Suave is about to announce the Tag Team title match when hip hop music blares over the loudspeakers. “What the hell?” Suave exclaims. Then he sees who’s coming down the aisle. “Oh God, not him!”

K-FUDD
Yes. K-Fudd. Rapping. He’s not able to make the proper ‘r’ sound, substituting ‘w’ instead and it…sounds like crap. K-Fudd gets through one line about ‘Bwitney’ and then mercifully the entire locker room, American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, and the independents, all come out and beats the living hell out of him. “THANK YOU!” Suave says. “And sorry about your impending divorce.”

MATCH #4- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- PEACENIK #1 & 2 of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN & DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)
Extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher joins Johnny Suave at ringside. “Swell,” he mumbles. Immediately Peacenik #1 complains about the Martini Brothers drinking in the ring. Both Martini Brothers chug a bottle of Jack Daniels and then break the bottle over their heads. “Yes, it’s a little unorthodox,” Suave explains, “but hell, they’re the champions. They can do whatever they want.”

Peacenik #1 and Don Martini to begin. Crowd chants for the Drunken Luchadors. A brief lock up and an attempted knee by Peacenik #1 that whiffs because Don staggers out of the way. Peacenik #1 tries rights now, and then the boots…and misses again. “Here we go again,” Suave says. R Felcher yells at Don Martini to stand still. Suave shoots back, “Yeah, easier said than done.” Peacenik #1 gets frustrated and rushes at Don. He clips the Drunken Luchador and sends him to the canvas. The Felchers cheer at the announcer’s table. Peacenik #1 goes for a leg drop but Dan Martini pulls Don out of the way. “Apparently Dan is the more sober one tonight,” observes Suave. A tag is made and Dan Martini gets into the ring. Peacenik #1 again tries to bull over Dan. Dan topples to the canvas and Peacenik #1 rams into the corner ringpost. “Of course, I could be wrong,” Suave says. Peacenik #1 staggers back to his corner and tags in Peacenik #2.

Dan Martini climbs to the top rope. Suave cringes. “Oooh, this can’t be a good thing.” Peacenik #2 simply waits. Dan leaps off the top rope and misses Peacenik #2 completely. “Definitely, not a good thing,” Suave says as Peacenik #2 goes for the cover but somehow Dan kicks out. “In the interest of fairness, he should have let the Green World Order pin him,” whines R Felcher. “Yes,” chimes in B Felcher. “Haven’t they been tag team champions long enough?” The other two members of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peta from PETA come down to the ring. Brock Cole Lee slips a bottle of chloroform and a handkerchief to Peacenik #1. “Now what are they up to!” asks Suave. “Justice!” offers R Felcher. “That bottle of chloroform represents justice for the Green World Order.” Peacenik #1 motions #2 to throw Dan Martini into their corner. Peacenik #2 tries to lift the Drunken Luchador up- he’s dead weight. Finally, Brock Cole Lee interjects himself into the match and helps Peacenik #2 drag Dan to their corner. “It’s all over!” gloats R Felcher. D Felcher concurs, “There’s no way that-” “HERE COME THE BOMB BROTHERS!” interrupts Suave, AND THE RAVING REDNECKS-LOCKE AND LOADE!”

Suave quickly recaps how Felcher and Felcher used the judicial system to deny the Bomb Brothers or the Raving Rednecks from wrestling for the tag team title. “This is not acceptable!” R Felcher says. A-Bomb tears Peacenik #1 off the edge of the ring and slams him into the steel barricade. The bottle of chloroform drops on the floor and Earl Locke picks it up. He immediately uses it on Peacenik #1 and takes him out. Gary Loade bulldogs Brock Cole Lee and then Locke and Loade deliver a devastating 4-D Redneck Death Blast to the Vengeful Vegan. Peacenik #2 ducks out of the ring but runs into H-Bomb. “Oh, oh!” Suave warns. Peacenik #2 immediately runs back into the ring and inadvertently elbows Dan Martini in the stomach. Dan starts to look green. “HOLY CRAP! HE’S GOING FOR THEIR FINISHER!” Suave says as Peacenik #2 gets a real concerned look. “Someone stop him,” R Felcher says. Too late. Dan spews green mist…no too chunky…projectile vomits all over Peacenik #2. “WOW!” Suave exclaims. “He must have ate a lot for supper tonight!” Dan passes out and headbutts Peacenik #2. Peacenik #2 down and covered by Drunken Luchador Dan. 1-2-3. Match.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS, DAN AND DON- THE FLYING MARTINI BROTHERS


A-Bomb grabs R Felcher; Gary Loade grabs B Felcher. Both Felchers are dragged unceremoniously into the ring. “It’s been nice knowing you guys,” Suave says, “NOT!” Locke and Loade deliver another 4-D Redneck Death Blast to B Felcher while A-Bomb and H-Bomb double-power A-Bombs R Felcher. “And that my friends,” Suave says, “is what I call a happy ending.”

JUSTIN SUFFERABLE LOOK-IN
Sufferable sits on a bench in the locker room. His right knee is heavily bandaged up and he appears to be in quite a lot of pain. “I wonder if he can tough it out,” Suave asks.

“Hold on! We’re getting a report from the Alpha Sigma Sigma house about a…HOLY CRAP! It’s an impromptu match!” Suave says.

MATCH #5- MIKE WALKER, MGR OF PIZZA GALAXY vs. GARTH BADER, OWNER OF EMPIRE PIZZA
“You know, the Star Wars references are just…weak,” opines Suave. The match begins as both men wield lethal pizza paddles like…well…lightsabers. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Suave says. While the two men duel, one of the Alpha Sigma Sigma members, apparently the only one with a conscience, sneaks over and starts the defreezing process on the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. Mike and Bader swing their pizza paddles, parry and thrust, both looking to gain the advantage. Finally, Skip, president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma frat, tries to intervene. Mike whirls around and plasters Skip in the face with the pizza paddle. However, he leaves himself wide open to…(snicker)…Garth Bader. Bader begins to raise his pizza paddle when… “AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “HOLY CRAP! TESSA’S BACK AND SHE’S GOT THE TESTICULAR CLAW ON BADER!” Suave excitedly shouts. With one swift motion, Mike swings the paddle around and pastes Bader in the kisser. He’s out and Mike covers for the win.

WINNER: MIKE WALKER, MGR OF PIZZA GALAXY

Tessa kisses the Alpha Sigma Sigma member who freed her from being frozen. Mike tells her it’s time to get back to work. “Yea. Another victory for Sports Entertainment,” Suave sarcastically notes. “Now can we get back to the wrestling?”

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE LOCKER ROOM
The American Screamer Howard Dean lets out a “YEEEEEAHHHHHH!” as the mood in Progressive Alliance’s locker room is generally upbeat. Dean tells Jim Webb that this is their night. Triple R-Road Rage Randy comes up to him. “Oh, this should be good,” comments Suave. Dean all but tells Triple R that he’s not welcome there and to leave. Triple R then trashes the locker room area as the other Progressive Alliance stars try to restrain him.

“Hmmmm. A little anger management problem there?” Suave asks.

AMERICAN PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
The mood is not so upbeat in the American Patriots locker room. The Mastermind Karl Rove tries to rally the troops and BCEW CEO George W’s aide de camp Dick looks generally pissed. “We have to have this match,” Dick implores George Allen. “It’s all riding on you.”

MATCH #6- JIM WEBB (Progressive Alliance) vs. GEORGE ALLEN (American Patriots)
“As noted, this is huge,” Suave announces. “Both sides want this match very badly.” Charlene Ann Beckworth announces an additional stipulation to the match- the first one to climb the ladder and grab a suitcase hanging in the air wins. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A FREAKIN’ LADDER MATCH!” Suave says. The American Screamer Howard Dean comes to ringside to stand in Webb’s corner. The Mastermind Karl Rove likewise for George Allen.

Both Webb and Allen jaw at each other before the match starts. Webb immediately runs for a ladder and throws it in the ring. Webb climbs back in but Allen tosses the ladder right back out of the ring. Allen chokes Webb but he tries to fight back. Webb escapes and goes 2nd rope and then top rope. He leaps and dropkicks Allen sending him reeling across the ring. Leg drop between the ropes and Dean throws the ladder back in the ring again. Allen gets up and head butts Webb. Allen chops Webb and he is down. Allen puts the ladder in the corner. He pulls Webb up and whips him into the ladder. Allen then tosses Webb out of the ring to the floor and grabs the ladder and sets it up. Allen attempts to climb the ladder, but Webb gets back in the ring and nails him with another ladder. Webb nails Allen in the head and he is down. The crowd chants ‘BCEW’ as Webb goes up top and hits a flying elbow from the ladder. Then Webb lays the ladder on Allen, bounces off the ropes, and splashes him on the ladder. Webb grabs another ladder, sets it up and climbs. Allen somehow gets up and pushes the ladder over, Webb hits the top rope and bounces over the rope out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims. “DID YOU SEE THAT?” Allen sets up the ladder in the corner again and climbs. Dean jumps in the ring. Then The Mastermind Karl Rove joins him. Dean and Rove brawl. Dean pushes Rove into the ladder and knocks Allen off before he can grab the suitcase.

Webb gets back in the ring and lays the ladder on Allen. Webb steps on it! The he lays the ladder on the ropes, picks up Allen and slams him to the ladder again! Webb then moves the ladder to the corner. Allen with rights tries to battle back. Webb grabs Allen and delivers big rights. Webb slams Allen on the ladder in the corner and then goes for a corner bomb…and misses. Webb staggers backwards…Allen rams the ladder to his gut and shoves him down. He grabs the ladder, sets it up and climbs. Webb climbs up the other as well. He and Allen meet at the top. Again both Rove and Dean jump into the ring to interfere. Rove tries to bring Webb down. Dean tries to pull Allen down. Suddenly, out of nowhere runs in the BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp, Dick, and “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld. “What a minute,” Suave points out, “the BCEW CEO has been all but missing over the last couple weeks. NOW, he’s come out?” W, Dick, and Rumsfeld also pull at Webb’s leg, trying to pull him down the ladder. Rumsfeld pushes too hard and suddenly the ladder goes off balance. Both Allen and Webb desperately grab at the suitcase. The ladder begins to tip over and it appears Webb has the handle of the briefcase in his grasp. Suave goes bonkers. “HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!” The crowd chants ‘holy s---!’ when Allen is propelled from the ring. Webb grabs the top rope and has the briefcase in his hand. “IT’S WEBB!” Suave exhalts, “JIM WEBB WINS THE MATCH!”

WINNER: JIM WEBB (Progressive Alliance)

W, Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld stand in shock. The cheering crowd stands and chants “BCEW” over and over to salute a terrific match. “A HUGE win for the Progressive Alliance,” Suave says. The American Screamer Howard Dean lets out a few ‘YEEEEEEE-AHHHH!’ in celebration.

Arianna Huffington marches out to the ring and confronts Dean. She berates him in a voice that resembles Eva Gabor in Green Acres for not helping Ned Lamont defeat Joe Lieberman, calls Lieberman a traitor, calls Dean a traitor for not coming to Lamont’s aid in his dire moment of need. Huffington jumps and down and screeches at the American Screamer. “My ears hurt,” quips Suave. Then the crowd lets loose with a huge ovation as the well-endowed valet for the Bomb Brothers, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, carrying a kendo stick, rushes to the ring. Dean and Webb quickly clear the ring leaving Huffington. “Huffington’s not in a good place right now,” Suave observes. Arianna tries to flee, Daisy sweeps her legs out from under her with the kendo stick. Then she lifts Huffington up and holds her in the air, face up towards the ceiling. She eyes the announcer’s table. “Uh oh,” Suave says as Daisy tells him to move. “Better get out of the way.” Suave grabs the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain and gets out of the way. “HERE SHE GOES!” Suave announces as Daisy walks toward the edge of the ring and heaves Huffington forward. Like an airplane falling from the sky, Huffington crashes through the announcer’s table. Suave, of course goes: “HOLY CRAP! She’s dead! If she’s not; she should be.” The crowd shouts “BCEW!”

MATCH #7- BCEW WORLD TITLE MATCH- BCEW World Champion ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) vs. Challenger JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance)
Justin Sufferable hobbles to the ring, still injured from the beat down delivered by Triple R- Road Rage Randy last week. Justin takes the mic and declares: “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” The crowd cheers and another ‘BCEW’ chant breaks out. The champion Chris Escondido follows. “It doesn’t look good for Sufferable,” Suave comments. “It’ll all come down to how much damage was done to his knee by Triple R.” Charlene Ann Beckworth finishes the introduction and the bell rings.

Sufferable rushes across the ring and starts brawling with Escondido. Both men land stiff shots. Finally Sufferable kicks Escondido in the stomach and then pushes him out of the ring. Justin follows and they start brawling outside the ring. Sufferable grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Escondido. The champ ducks and the chair clanks off the ring post. “Wow! That chair bent itself in half around the ring post!” Suave observes. Escondido kicks Sufferable and then sets him up for a suplex on the floor. He gets him up and down and goes for an early cover. Two count. Escondido finds the bent chair and waffles Sufferable with it sending him right back down. Escondido grabs a microphone cord laying on the ground and wraps it around Sufferable’s neck. He releases the cord and Sufferable flops face first down to the floor. Sufferable mule kicks Escondido in the groin. Escondido tips backwards and hits his head on the steel barricade. Sufferable drags himself up, two punches to Escondido. He flings the champ over the barricade into the crowd.

Chair shot by Sufferable. Then someone hands him a political placard. Sufferable whaps it over Escondido’s head. Another one hands him a political sign on a wooden stick. Sufferable breaks the stick over the champ’s head. Then he takes the jagged edge of the stick and rakes it across Escondido’s forehead. “HOLY CRAP. Escondido’s busted wide open!” Suave exclaims. “BCEW!...BCEW!” chants the crowd. “This makes perfect sense,” Suave says, “by taking the fight into the crowd, Sufferable doesn’t put as match stress on his injured knee.” Another chair shot by Sufferable. A bloody Escondido tries to fight back. Someone hands him a pizza pan and Escondido bends it in half over Sufferable’s head. Next, a Britney Spears CD case. Escondido smashes the case in Sufferable’s face, leaving several cuts. Then a Leonard Cohen record over Sufferable’s head. A few punches and then Escondido climbs up on the railing to the upper level of BCEW Hall. “What is he doing?” Suave wonders. “HE’S NOT!” Fifteen feet high, Escondido leaps from the railing and crushes Justin Sufferable. “BCEW!...BCEW!...BCEW!...” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. Escondido covers. Two count. Sufferable somehow manages to pull himself up. Someone from the crowd gives Escondido a prosthetic leg. Escondido looks at the guy; looks at the leg; and then crotches Sufferable with the ‘foot’ of the prosthetic leg. Then someone else gives him a prosthetic arm with hook. Escondido swings the arm and clocks Sufferable in the head. Then another hands Escondido…a prosthetic eye? Escondido throws the eye at Sufferable and doinks him in the forehead.

Escondido drags Sufferable back through the crowd towards the ring. Over the steel barricade and to the edge. Sufferable tries to throw punches. Escondido throws punches. Back and forth. Behind Sufferable, the ring apron opens up. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGE RANDY!” Suave shouts, "HE WAS HIDING UNDERNEATH THE RING!" Triple R grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Sufferable. Sufferable ducks and Triple R catches Escondido flush in the face. Escondido down. Sufferable covers as Triple R can’t believe what he just did. 1-2-3. New champion.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW WORLD CHAMPION: JUSTIN SUFFERABLE of the Progressive Alliance.

The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi run out to the ring to congratulate Sufferable. Triple R shakes his head in disbelief. “WE HAVE A NEW BCEW CHAMPION!” announces Suave. “AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS, JUSTIN SUFFERABLE FINALLY GETS THE GOLD! WHAT A GREAT NIGHT FOR THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE!” Again, the never ending chant of “BCEW!” ends the show.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

11/2- BCEW Politics Is War Cable TV show

HOUR ONE:

OPEN
The crowd chants ‘BCEW!” “Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio!” Johnny Suave says, “This is BCEW-Politics Is War on the Comic Book Channel!” Suave introduces himself and his broadcast partner tonight, Sports Entertainment Guy Seg McMann. McMann looks more humble this show after what happened on the last BCEW Politics Is War cable show. “Tonight, our main event is a six man tag team battle between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance as we move ever closer to next week’s pay per view, BCEW Extreme Election Night,” Suave announces. “Both teams are getting pep talks tonight.”

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
The members of the Progressive Alliance meet to plot strategy for BCEW Extreme Election Night. “The American Screamer” Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, introduces the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK (aka John F’n Kerry) to speak. Kerry gives a few brief prefunctionary remarks about how important it is to win next week at BCEW Extreme Election Night. Then he offers some closing advice for the Progressive Alliance: "You know, success, if you make the most of it, you work hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be as good as you can, you can do well. If you don't, you end up stuck in some dumpy, lower league wrestling federation." “WHAT!” Suave exclaims. “What the hell did he just say?”

AMERICAN PATRIOT MEETING
“Did you hear what the Massachusetts Blueblood just said?” the CEO of George W tells the assembled members of the American Patriots. “JFK has given us a great opportunity to prove him wrong!” The rank and file members of the American Patriots murmurs in agreement. “We’ve got a huge six man tag team match tonight,” George W says, “we will win this match tonight and go into BCEW Extreme Election with momentum!” Virginian George Allen speaks up and tells W he’ll do anything in his power to……suddenly a commotion breaks out. A Progressive Alliance blogger taunts Allen. The Raving Rednecks, Loade and Locke, put the blogger in a choke hold and gives him the 4-D Redneck Death Blast on the locker room floor.

“Wow,” Suave says, “you can tell the nerves are getting frayed a bit.” Screaming, skidding tires interrupt Suave and the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin makes her way to the ring. “I wonder what she’s got to say?” Suave asks. McMann retorts that Martin isn’t worth his time. Tessa tells McMann once and for all to leave her alone. “I’m done,” she says, “I don’t want fame and fortune if it means compromising who I am.”

Suave explains that Tessa is referring to what Seg McMann tried to do on the last cable show. “Let’s recap what took place last time on BCEW Politics Is War,” Suave says. “Awww, no. Do we have to?” McMann whines.

LAST SHOW RECAP
“Oh no!” Suave said two weeks ago as a bruised and battered Seg McMann and Skip, the President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, lead the hypnotized BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin out to the ring. “It’s time for the moment you all have been waiting for!” McMann said and then added, “and me too.” Skip has an evil grin. McMann ordered Tessa to go into the ring and do a strip tease. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Suave shouted, agreeing with the objecting crowd, “HE’S STOPPING A GREAT MATCH FOR HIS OWN EGO GRATIFICATION! As the crowd loudly jeered, Seg sat down in a chair. “OH COME ON!” Suave said as Tessa removed her shoes, socks, jeans, and finally her shirt, “THIS IS NOT RIGHT ON SO MANY LEVELS!” Down to her undergarments, Seg got a drooling, sick smile on his face when Tessa began to lift up her sports bra. Skippy also literally had his tongue sticking out like a wolf. Then, Tessa motioned for both Seg and Skip to come over. Suave is apoplectic at this point. Seg and Skip walk over and again Tessa began to lift up her sports bra. Then she smiled and swiftly grabbed both Seg and Skip and… AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (in stereo) …gave them the testicular claw. The crowd exploded. “YES!” Suave says, “YES! YES! YES!” In intense pain, both Seg and Skip’s face turned red and then blue. Then Seg and Skip finally passed out……

Tessa states that Seg made lots of promises to her but she had no idea what he had in mind. “I’m a pizza delivery driver, I’m not a wrestler, and I’m not some chick to gawk at,” Tessa says. Then she throws down the mic and starts to leave. Then she is confronted. “Excuse me,” she says and tries to go around a stranger who blocks her way. “I said, excuse me!” she said again. The man again refuses to move. “I don’t know who you are-” Tessa says but is interrupted. The man tells Tessa she can call him ‘Duc Tape.’ “Duc Tape?” Suave says, “what the hell kind of name is that?” Tessa apparently agrees because she busts out laughing at the man’s name. A referee suddenly shows up…

MATCH #1 BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. DUC TAPE
“What the hell is this?” Suave says, “an impromptu intergender match?” McMann smiles. Tessa and Duc Tape lock up in the middle of the ring. The referee breaks. Duc Tape refuses to let her go. Tessa break loose, takes a step back, and *WHAM* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “she just kicked Duc Tape in the freakin’ nether regions!” A “She’s hardcore” chant breaks out. Tessa again attempts to climb out of the ring. Duc Tape suddenly jumps up and flicks two rolls of duct tape hidden underneath his sleeves towards Tessa. The black duct tape wraps around her legs. “WHAT THE-” Suave exclaims. Immobilized, Tessa loses her balance and falls to the canvas. Wind knocked out of her, Tessa lies on the canvas while Duc Tape covers her. One, two, and three. Match over.

WINNER: DUC TAPE

Seg McMann smiles as Duc Tape flips Tessa over to duct tape her hands behind her back. Tessa tries to get loose but Duc Tape works very fast. Then he puts a couple of strips over her mouth and then carts her to a waiting van outside.

“Okay,” Suave says, “except for the brief wrestling action, what did any of that have to do with wrestling?” “Absolutely nothing,” Seg McMann says, “but our research indicates that our core, target audience likes this type of action, slash, soap opera stuff. And so does the head of the Comic Book Channel.”

Cut to the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley, who watches the show from his mother’s basement. He flashes a thumbs up sign. “BRUUUUUUCE!” his mother yells from upstairs, “IT’S YOUR NIGHT TO WASH THE DISHES!” “AW COME ON MOM!” Bruce shouts, “I’M WATCHING THE WRESTLING SHOW!”

Suave again runs down the card for BCEW Extreme Election Night:
- Virginian George Allen (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Little Gipper’ James Webb (Progressive Alliance)
- “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker (American Patriots) vs. “Fancy” Harold Ford, Jr. (Progressive Alliance)
- An Ohio Death Match between Sherrod ‘Not So Slim Shady’ Brown (Progressive Alliance) and Mike DeWine (American Patriots) of the ‘Gang of 14.’
- Connecticut Grudge Match between Joe Lieberman (Independent) and Ned Lamont (Progressive Alliance) with the Left Wing Bloggers.
- The Tag Team belts on the line: BCEW champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independent) vs. The Green World Order’s Peacenik #1 and #2 (Progressive Alliance).
- The huge main event: BCEW title match between Independent ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Justin’s last shot at the title.

The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade come out and ask how are they are the number one contenders for the BCEW Tag Team belts but the Peacenik’s get the title shot at BCEW Extreme Election Night? Then the Bomb Brothers come out. The lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads Sign Dude and A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb to the ring. Sign Dude’s sign reads: “Where’s Our Title Shot?” A-Bomb gets on the mic and states they’re the number two contenders, why didn’t they get the title shot?

Felcher and Felcher, official extreme attorneys at law for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance, come out and explains that due to the Peacenik’s win over Politically Incorrect a few weeks back, they went out and received an injunction from the court that states Peacenik’s 1 & 2 get a title shot against the Drunken Luchadors. “Say what?” Suave exclaims. CEO of BCEW George W comes out. He tells Felcher and Felcher that the injunction may state that the Peacenik’s get the title shot against the Drunken Luchadors, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t add another team to the title match. “That’s right, tonight, The Raving Rednecks will face the Bomb Brothers with the winner to be added to the tag team title match next week at BCEW Extreme Election Night!” Felcher and Felcher are furious. “You can’t do that!” R Felcher complains, “that’s not fair!”


HOUR TWO:


“Let’s go back to the ongoing soap opera,” Seg McMann says. “Let’s not,” Suave replies. Suave loses.

THE ADVENTURES OF BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN SEGMENT
Duc Tape drops off the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl in a dark room with a bright spotlight shining down. The light shines on her face. “Hello Tessa,” a voice says. “MMMMPHHH,” she replies. “Oh,” the voice responds. A man walks into the light and untapes her mouth. “OWWW!” she says. “Sorry. You can call me Garth Bader,” the man says. “Oh, you’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me!” Suave says to Seg McMann, “Garth freakin’ Bader? This is your brilliant male soap opera?” “SHHHH,” Seg replies. Bader is a rival pizza restaurateur and wants Tessa to drive for her. Tessa wonders why. Bader tells her that she has ‘it.’ “She has WHAT?” Suave says. “Shut up and listen,” Seg says. Bader again tells her that she has ‘it.’ She is strong with ‘it.’ “What are you talking about?” Tessa asks. Bader tells her that she has until the end of the show to make up her mind. “If you won’t drive for me,” he says, “you won’t drive for anyone else.” Tessa tells him she’ll think about ‘it.’ .

“Okay, that made absolutely no sense at all,” Suave says, “especially on a political wrestling show.” “It’s what the people want,” Seg responds. “No, it’s what YOU want to see,” points out Suave. “I’m not the only one,” Seg replies. “Right Bruce?”

Again, cut to the basement. Bruce flashes a thumbs up and points at the TV. “See! He likes it,” Seg points out. Then Bruce’s mother calls down again and yells at him to get his ass upstairs and do the dishes.

MATCH #2 THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (American Patriots) VS. THE BOMB BROTHERS w/ Daisy Cutter Bomb and Sign Dude (Independents)
“Big match here,” Suave says, “Winner gets a title shot next week in a 3 way dance with the Peaceniks and the Drunken Luchadors. The bell rings and A-Bomb runs over Earl Locke with a shoulder block early on. H-Bomb grabs Locke along the ropes and delivers an inverted neckbreaker. Gary Loade races across the ring and drop kicks H-Bomb to the floor. Locke flies over the top rope and splashes H-Bomb. Daisy Cutter-Bomb screamed when Locke tried to cover H-Bomb outside the ring. Loade went for a drop kick off the ropes, but H-Bomb catches him with a seated slam on for a nearfall. H-Bomb heaves Loade back in the ring and A-Bomb applies a submission hold. Loade gets out and then comes back with a springboard elbow smash and leg kick. Daisy Cutter-Bomb jumped on the apron for a momentary distraction, which allowed A-Bomb to recover and then catch Loade flying off the ropes with a wicked clothesline. Loade came back with a springboard Tornado DDT. Both men recover on the mat while a ‘BCEW’ chant starts up.

The crowd boos when Felcher and Felcher come to the ring and gets on the mic. “You might as well stop the match.,” R Felcher says, “I have another injunction here and it doesn’t matter which of you two teams win.” R Felcher waves the injunction in the air. “This says you aren’t wrestling for the title!” B Felcher states. The crowd boos and the action stops in the ring. Both teams glare at the attorneys. Both Felchers look rather satisfied with themselves. Felcher and Felcher nod and then turn to head back to the locker room. They sneer at Sign Dude when they pass by. Sign Dude plasters R Felcher with his sign. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out as the crowd rises up to cheer. Daisy Cutter-Bomb then lays out B Felcher with a straight right hand. Both The Raving Rednecks and the Bomb Brothers shake hands and then join in the fun. Both teams took turns pummeling Felcher and Felcher. Then A-Bomb called for two tables and H-Bomb and Locke and Loade set them up outside the ring. Both Felchers were placed on the tables. A-Bomb and Earl Locke climbed to the top rope. They jump and… “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Suave as both Felchers are plastered through the tables. ‘BCEW!......BCEW!’ chants the crowd.

WINNER: No one.

“Well, that’s not the ending I wanted to see,” Suave says. “But it’ll do.”

MASSACHUSETTS BLUEBLOOD JFK PROMO
JFK is ticked off over the American Patriots and most notably, BCEW CEO George W’s reaction to his joke. “I’m the Massachusetts Blueblood!” JFK indignantly says, “how dare you criticize me? At least I reported for duty unlike the American Patriot hacks that surround the BCEW CEO George W.!” JFK then says shame on them and that he won’t apologize for his criticism of George W. “Which came off as a slam against wrestlers working in a dump, lower league wrestling federation,” Suave points out. “I heard one of the wrestlers back stage said it’s not bad enough he blew 2004, now JFK is trying to blow 2006, too.”

MATCH #3- SIX MAN TAG TEAM BATTLE BETWEEN THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS VS. PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE.
On the Progressive Alliance’s side: “Fancy” Harold Ford, Jr., Sherrod Brown, and Jim Webb. For the American Patriots: “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker, Mike DeWine, and George Allen.
“Here we go,” Suave says, “the American Screamer Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi ringside for the Progressive Alliance. The Mastermind Karl Rove and George W’s aide de camp Dick for the American Patriots. Ford and Corker start but quickly all six men are in the ring. Ford took a beating from Corker. Webb makes his comeback with a standing side kick to George Allen. Brown works over DeWine. Corker continues to work on Ford, Brown lands a leg drop on DeWine, and Allen quickly came back and slams Webb headfirst into the turnbuckle. Webb ducks a clothesline then drop kicks Allen to the floor. There, the American Screamer Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi deliver a few shots of their own. Corker slingshots out of the ring and hits a cross body splash. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as both Dean and Pelosi crash to the floor. “Corker again, pulling out all the stops.” The crowd chants ‘BCEW!’
Corker and Ford continue to brawl on the outside. Brown rolled up DeWine in the corner for a nearfall. The Mastermind Karl Rove clotheslined Brown to the mat. Instead of getting of the ring, Rove gets caught by Sherrod Brown with a clothesline. He choked Rove in the corner before DeWine comes over and slaps Brown. Suddenly, Ohio’s Governor Bob Taft, Bob Ney, and Tom Noe inexplicatively show up ringside. DeWine gets distracted and turns away from Brown to tell them to go away, that he doesn’t need their help. Brown runs DeWine over with a boot. He knocks down DeWine again then hits Rolling Landslide for a nearfall. It breaks down into four-way brawling in the ring. Brown vs. DeWine. Allen vs. Webb. Allen then whacks Webb with a steel folding chair and goes for a cover. Suddenly, the Progressive Alliance blogger who got into it with Allen earlier in the show jumps in the ring and smacks Allen in the back with a foreign object. Brown throws DeWine over the top rope out of the ring. Webb chokeslams Allen and before Rove or Dick can make the save, covers for the win.

WINNER: PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE.

“A HUGE win for the Progressive Alliance going into BCEW Extreme Election next week!” Suave says. “It looks like the momentum is on their side.”

JUSTIN SUFFERABLE PROMO
“Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” he says. Sufferable tells the BCEW Champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido that he’d better be ready for an all out extreme war. He says the last time BCEW Politics Is War was on the air, he got screwed out of his title shot and it left a bad taste in his mouth- bad enough that he actually threw up. “At BCEW Extreme Election Night, nothing will stop me from my destiny, winning the BCEW Title,” Sufferable says and then adds, “My name is Justin Sufferable and I approved this mess-” “WHAT THE HELL!” Suave shouts as Triple R (Road Rage Randy) attacks Sufferable with a lead pipe. “What is he doing?” Triple R whacks away at the right knee of Sufferable. “TRIPLE R IS GOING TONYA HARDING ON JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” says Suave. Immediately, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid race to stop Triple R. “SUFFERABLE HAS JUST BEEN ASSAULTED BY TRIPLE R! HOW WILL HE BE ABLE TO WRESTLE CHRIS ESCONDIDO?” Suave asks. Finally, Triple R is removed and Dean tends to Justin Sufferable. “He may not be able to go next week,” Suave surmises. Paramedics come in and stretcher Sufferable out to a waiting ambulance.

“Well, that’s going to wrap things-” Suave says before he’s interrupting by Seg on the big screen television. “We have to see what happened a few minutes ago,” Seg says. Suave sighs and tells Seg to go on.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL
Seg reminds everyone that that BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin had until a few minutes ago to decide if she would drive for Garth Bader. “Oh vey,” mutters Suave. “She was delivering a pizza…and this is what happened.” Tessa comes up to the door carrying a pizza. She knocks. The door opens. She’s invited inside. Tessa is told the owner is out in back with the money. She puts the pizza down and walks through the kitchen towards a back foyer that looks kind of like a meat locker. She opens the door and steps inside. Suddenly a blast of ice covered up by a big cloud billows from the meat locker. A few seconds later, the cloud dissipates and there is Tessa encased in a block of ice. “Oh my God,” Suave says, “are we ripping off Star Wars now? This is not wrestling!” Seg walks up to the frozen BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and grins. “No one, I repeat, no one makes a fool of Seg McMann.” McMann evilly laughs. “She all yours Garth.” “UGH,” Suave comments as rival pizza store owner Garth Bader carts off the frozen Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl.

Bruce, the President of the Comic Book Channel, flashes another thumbs up at the “Sports Entertainment” section of the show. Then the basement goes dark. “MOMMMMMM!”

“Yea. Happy Halloween everyone. I guess we’ll have to find out next time on BCEW Politics Is War what happens to the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. I’m Johnny Suave. BCEW Extreme Election next Tuesday…” Suave is interrupted again, this time by the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK. “I just came out to say…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I misspoke. I botched the line. My bad. Sorry…I’m really, really, really sorry…” Suave tries to sign off as JFK continues to profusely apologize. “See you next week!”