Saturday, October 28, 2006

10/26- BCEW Extreme Political TV

Another hot crowd starts the show with the usual “BCEW” chants. “We are live at the B-C-E-W Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio!” Johnny Suave announces. “I am Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard is the best damn looking color commentator in wrestling, the life-size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain!” Suave announces a “Tennessee Hardcore Match” tonight between “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker of the American Patriots and “Fancy” Harold Ford from the Progressive Alliance.

Rush Limbaugh segment.
The crowd boos as the Alice in Chains hit “Man In the Box” blares over the loudspeaker. “Here comes the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in Broadcasting,” Suave says, “what is that? The I-E-E-I-B network?” “Ox-y-con-tin!” they chant and clap. “That’s right,” Limbaugh says, “it is I. El Rushbo. The maha-rushbie. With talent on loan from God!” “Well you better give it back to him,” Suave cracks, “because you sure as hell ain’t using it.” Limbaugh comes out to address the whole issue of Michael J. Fox. Rush asks if everyone’s seen the commercial. He then mimics Fox's restless torso weaves and writhes, and head bobs from side to side on the commercial. “A**hole!” the crowd chants in response. "He is exaggerating the effects of his disease," Limbaugh claims, "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act.” More boos rain in. “This is low, even for the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in Broadcasting,” Suave opines, he’s mocking someone with Parkinson’s Disease.” “Michael J. Fox has never portrayed any of the symptoms of the disease like this. He can barely control himself," he says. He again makes fun of Fox’s ‘funky movement’ thing.

The crowd goes nuts when Michael J. Fox comes out. He’s not moving nearly as much as on the commercial. “It's ironic, given some of the things that have been said, that my pills are working really well right now,” he says in response. Fox tells Limbaugh this isn’t about politics; it’s about stem cell research. "You’re allowing your illness to be exploited by shilling for the Progressive Alliance." Rush responds. Fox again tells him he’s not acting and he’s advocating stem cell research. Limbaugh repeats his assertions that he’s being used by the Progressive Alliance. Fox tells him he’s wrong and he’s being his usual bully self. The crowd cheers. Limbaugh throws down the mic and dares Fox to come into the ring. “You want me, in the ring with you?” Fox asks. Limbaugh holds the rope down and dares him to come inside. “Fine. You’re on,” Fox says, “we’ll meet later tonight.” Limbaugh tells him to make sure he takes his meds before he comes back out. The crowd then chants ‘Oxycontin” again. “Shut up!” Limbaugh snaps.

Suave then runs down the matches coming in less than two weeks at the next big BCEW Pay Per View- ‘BCEW Extreme Election Night.’
- Virginian George Allen (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Little Gipper’ James Webb (Progressive Alliance)
- An Ohio Death Match between Sherrod ‘Not So Slim Shady’ Brown (Progressive Alliance) and Mike DeWine (American Patriots) of the ‘Gang of 14.’
- Connecticut Grudge Match between Joe Lieberman (Independent) and Ned Lamont (Progressive Alliance) with the Left Wing Bloggers.
- The Tag Team belts on the line: BCEW champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order’s Peacenik #1 and #2.
- The huge main event: BCEW title match between Independent ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Justin’s last shot at the title.

Howard Dean
The leader of the Progressive Alliance, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean, talks with both Justin Sufferable and Triple R (Road Rage Randy). He tells them he knows they both want the same thing but reminds Triple R that Justin gets the first shot at the BCEW title. He warns both of them to be on their best behavior until BCEW Extreme Election Night. Sufferable nods. Triple R looks pained and then stomps away.

Match #1- Th’ Swamp Pirate (Jobber) vs. Extreme Proctologist Dr. Ivan Rectum (Independent)
The crowd favorite Dr. Ivan Rectum comes to the ring. “He’s fighting to keep the forces of injustice off your ASS!” Suave says. The fans chanted for the Extreme Proctologist before the match started. Dr. Rectum ran over Swamp Pirate with a big kick to the face then he applied a hammerlock submission. Swamp Pirate attempted to counter and shoved Dr. Rectum shoulder-first into the corner ringpost. “ARRRRRRR!” Swamp Pirate says. “ARRRRRR” the crowd responds. “You know, he wouldn’t be that bad of a wrestler,” Suave says, “if he lost about 30 pounds, worked out, stopped eating pizza,….” Dr. Rectum focused his attack on Swamp Pirate’s left shoulder. He hits the combination high leg kick in the corner followed by a bulldog. The Extreme Proctologist hits a springboard clothesline and then sets up for his finishing move. He puts on a pair of rubber gloves and snaps them. “IT’S THE RUBBER GLOVE OF JUSTICE!” shouts Suave. Swamp Pirate quickly taps out before......well, just before.

Winner: Extreme Proctologist Dr. Ivan Rectum

Starz N. Stripes Promo
Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove of the American Patriots stand behind the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. As The Mastermind points to his temple to remind us all again that he’s a friggin’ genius, Dick talks up that Starz is an ‘All-American’ kid who ‘epitomizes the virtues of what America stands for.’ Starz N. Stripes doesn’t talk but he doesn’t look all that comfortable with what Dick was saying. Dick brags that Starz N. Stripes is a ‘beacon of American greatness’ and no matter what Justin Sufferable and the Progressive Alliance thinks, Starz will be the next BCEW Champion. Starz awkwardly smiles.

Match #2- “Fancy” Harold Ford (Progressive Alliance) vs. “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker (American Patriots)
“Corker is a real brawler,” Suave explains, “a down and dirty brawler. Ford is more refined, polished. It should be a fun match.” Corker starts the match with a back elbow smash early on. He follows with hard right hands to Ford’s face and then chokes in the corner. “Wow!” Suave says, “They weren’t kidding about Corker.” Ford wisely slides out to the outside to catch his breath. Ford draws Corker to the outside and then he slams him into the ringpost. Ford stomps and kicks Corker before “The Real Tennessean” gouges him in the eyes. Corker throws Ford into the ring steps and then clotheslines him over the steel barricade into the crowd. A ‘BCEW’ chant began. They brawl in the crowd before Corker, in his element, gains the upper hand by planting a steel folding chair on Ford’s head. “Another ‘BCEW’ chant follows.

Ford tries to get back to the ring. He rams Corker into the steel barricade, jumps the barricade, and then slingshots Corker over the barricade into the ringpost. Ford went up top and took too long. Corker grabs the ropes to crotch Ford and he falls back in the ring. Corker hits a leg drop from the second ropes and then bites Ford’s forehead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “Corker just bit him!” The fans again cheer, chanting ‘BCEW.’ Ford reverses a whip then hits a pumphandle slam. Dick, The Mastermind, and The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes run to the ring. Dick orders Starz to interfere. Starz hesitates to get involved and Dick screams at him to get his ass in the ring. Corker hits a low, low blow on Ford. Ford somehow gets up and responds with a thumb to the eye. Then he rams Corker shoulder-first into the corner ring post. Ford rolls up Corker from behind and hooks the tights. Starz N. Stripes gets in the ring with a chair. Ford is distracted and let’s go of Corker. Inexplicatively, he apologizes to Ford. Immediately, Howard Dean and Justin Sufferable run to the ring. Dick grabs the chair out of Starz’s hands and slams it over Ford's back several times knocking him out.

Corker covers Ford. Triple R (Road Rage Randy) shoves both Howard Dean and Justin Sufferable out of the way and hits the ring with a chair and blasts Corker with it. He’s knocked out. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “THEY’RE BOTH OUT!” Justin Sufferable jumps in the ring and shoves Triple R. Triple R shoves him back and Dean jumps in to separate the two.

Winner: No one.

“This one was too close to call,” Suave says. “I’ve just been told Ford and Corker will settle this once and for all in less than two weeks at BCEW Extreme Election Night!”

Joe Lieberman Promo
Lieberman states that as his big match at BCEW Extreme Election Night with the Progressive Alliance’s Ned Lamont gets closer, it’s clear that the ‘joe-mentum’ is on his side. He says that he feels ‘joe-rrific’ and Lamont, Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters For America, and even that hideous Arianna Huffing-puff…Stuffenpuff… Someone whispers in Joe’s ear. “Oh, Huffington. They can all just kiss my ass,” Lieberman says. “It doesn’t matter what they say because it’s clear the people, my ‘joe-coholics,’ are behind me. From behind, Ned Lamont blindsides Lieberman from behind. “You’re just a member of the American Patriots in Independent clothing.” Then Alan “Mr. Irrelevant” Schlesinger comes out and stomps on Lieberman. “No he’s not.,” he says, “he’s really a member of the Progressive Alliance. Lamont claims Lieberman is an American Patriot, and then stomps on him. Schlesinger says Lieberman’s in the Progressive Alliance, and then stomps on him some more. They argue back and forth and stomp on Lieberman.

“Poor Joe,” Suave says, “he’s getting his ‘joe-butt’ double teamed right now. Can he hold off Lamont’s challenge at BCEW Extreme Election Night? Or will Lieberman celebrate a ‘joe-victory?’”

Match #3- Rush Limbaugh (American Patriots) vs. Michael J. Fox
Limbaugh comes out first to the ring. The crowd lets him have it big time. Loud boos and the ever-present “Oxycontin” chant. “Well, the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in Broadcasting is in the ring,” Suave says. “We’re waiting for Michael J. Fox to come out.” A few more seconds go by and nothing. Limbaugh grabs the mic. “Of course, he’s not coming out,” he says. “he’s just pretending to be-” The crowd interrupts Limbaugh with a huge cheer. “What?” Suave says, trying to see the action, “HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE CHAMPION CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Limbaugh’s cocky, haughty demeanor melts away when the BCEW Champion comes to the ring. He quickly looks for a way out. “LIMBAUGH HAS NO WHERE TO RUN,” Suave says, “AND NO WHERE TO HIDE!”

Escondido takes the mic. “You know, Rush,” he says, “you talk a good game when it’s someone who probably isn’t in good enough condition to defend himself.” Escondido calls Limbaugh a bully and tells him to take his best shot. Rush gets cornered and tries to beg off. Escondido doesn’t buy it and lifts him up to give him a suplex. The crowd goes nuts. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “HE’S GOING TO DO IT! HE’S GOING TO-” Out of nowhere, Justin Sufferable’s catch phrase “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” plays over the sound system. Sufferable then runs in and whacks the champion in the back with a Singapore cane. Escondido drops Limbaugh on his back hard and then staggers into the corner. “Sufferable’s trying to get a head start on BCEW Extreme Election Night!” Suave says as Justin whacks Escondido repeatedly with the Singapore cane. “He wants the BCEW title badly!” Again the crowd noises rises. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A. TOM BOMB!”

A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb) hits the ring and power slams Sufferable. Then he power slams Chris Escondido. Then Sufferable again, this time bouncing him from the ring. A-Bomb looks to slam Escondido again but he slips under the ropes. A-Bomb looks down at Rush Limbaugh and grins. Limbaugh looks up at the hulking A-Bomb and gets a real bug-eyed, mouth open expression. He tries to leave but Hy Drogen Bomb blocks the way. “Limbaugh’s stuck and he’s in a real bad place right now!” Suave observes. H-Bomb grabs a table from underneath and throws it in the ring. “HERE WE GO!” Suave says. H-Bomb climbs to the top rope. A-Bomb clubs Limbaugh and helps set him up. H-Bomb lifts up Limbaugh and powerbombs him through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. The crowd chants ‘BCEW’ over and over. “Next week, BCEW Politics Is War on the Comic Book Channel! In less than two weeks- BCEW Extreme Election Night! See ya!”

Thursday, October 19, 2006

10/19- BCEW Extreme Political TV

After Miami kicks the extra point put the Hurricanes up 14-0, pushing and shoving breaks out among linemen. Then FIU's Chris Smith wrestles Miami holder Matt Perrelli to the ground and punches him in the chin. He in turn gets jumped by the Miami players and it’s on. The crowd chants “BCEW!” “WE’VE GOT AN EXTREME BRAWL IN PROGRESS BETWEEN MIAMI OF FLORIDA AND FIU!” announces Johnny Suave. FIU's Marshall McDuffie Jr. charges in and kicks Perrelli in the helmet. Miami lineman Derrick Morse jumps into the Smith-Perrelli pile. “HELLO AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV!” Suave says, “I AM JOHNNY SUAVE AND…HOLY CRAP!” After FIU’S Lionel Singleton throws a punch toward the head of the Hurricanes' Calais Campbell, the benches begin to empty. “AND WE’RE OFF TO A WILD START THIS WEEK WITH THIS EXTREME, HARDCORE RUMBLE!” Several players throw punches. “I’m not sure what’s up with the matching uniforms and helmets though,” Suave admits. Miami’s Anthony Reddick charges across the field holding his helmet high over his head, and swings it at FIU cornerback Robert Mitchell. “HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THAT?” Suave shouts, “HE NEARLY TOOK HIS FREAKIN’ HEAD OFF!” Miami’s Brandon Meriweather tries to stomp on FIU players. “I’m not sure what’s up with the guys in the white and black zebra type suits,” Suave says, “I think…yes…THEY’RE TRYING TO STOP THE FIGHT!” Suave goes on and says that would be a first in BCEW. Then the police join in and try to break things up. “What are the police doing here?” Suave asks, “wait………I’m getting something in my headsets…….this is…not wrestling……this is not wrestling? Then what the hell is it? Hold on, getting something else in my headset…this…is…a…college football game.......This is a COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME? HOLY CRAP!”

Suave then waits a minute as Miami’s TV analyst and former star wide receiver Lamar Thomas joins him. Suave asks Thomas to explain to him what is going on. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Thomas says. Suave: “Talking about what?” Thomas: You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff.” Suave: “The OB? What OB? What are you talking about?” Thomas: "I say, why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more? You don't come into the OB, baby." Suave: “Again with the OB. What the hell is the OB?” Thomas then announces that he’s going down the elevator to “get in that thing." Suave: “Elevator? What elevator? What thing? What are you talking about?”

Backstage, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein asks Miami of Florida President Donna Shalala about her reaction to the Miami (FL)- FIU brawl that was originally mistaken for an extreme wrestling match. “I can’t even look at it,” Shalala says, “it would just make me madder.” Bernstein presses her on the notion that the penalties for the players are ‘insufficient.’ Shalala states that the ‘feeding frenzy needs to stop.’ “These students made a terrible mistake,” Shalala says, “and they are being punished.” “Perhaps, you guys didn’t want jeopardize your chances of reaching a bowl game,” Bernstein says. Shalala: “Yes…I mean no…no. Of course not.” Bernstein: “And the difference in the penalties between the FIU players and the Miami (FL) players is because the football program brings in a boatload of money to the University of Miami and FIU’s program does not.” Shalala: “Right……no, wrong! That’s wrong. There’s no significant difference between what FIU and what we did.” Bernstein: “And the reason you’ve left it up to the coaches to determine the punishments says a lot about the amount of power the football team has at Miami?” Shalala: “Of course……I mean, no. Of course not. Absolutely no……

Justin comes out and gets serenaded by the crowd with a ‘Justin A**hole’ chant. He declares that he is pissed off because he got screwed over for the umpteeth time at BCEW Politics Is War TV show. Suave recaps that Sufferable and the BCEW Champion Chris Escondido were having a great match when ‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann intervened. Suave adds, “Let’s look at what happened over the weekend:”

The replay from 10/15- BCEW Politics Is War shows a bruised and battered Seg McMann and Skip, the President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, stopping the championship match between Sufferable and Escondido to lead BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin, who had been hypnotized earlier in the night by the Alpha Sigma Sigma’s, out to the ring. McMann ordered Tessa into the ring to do a strip tease. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Suave indignantly shouted, “HE’S STOPPING A GREAT MATCH FOR HIS OWN EGO GRATIFICATION!” Tessa removed her shoes, socks, jeans, and finally her shirt. “THIS IS NOT RIGHT ON SO MANY LEVELS!” protested Suave. Down to her undergarments, both Seg and Skip drool when Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. Tessa motions for both Seg and Skip to come over and again Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. She smiles and swiftly grabs both Seg and Skip and… AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (in stereo) …gives them the testicular claw.

“Yeah, that was great,” Sufferable says sarcastically, “the night I should have won the BCEW Championship and it’s gets interrupted for THAT!” Sufferable goes off on a rant on how he’s been repeatedly screwed over, that someone as talented as him should have been the BCEW champion long ago, and that the Progressive Alliance has done nothing to push him to the top. “At November’s Pay Per View show, BCEW Extreme Election Night, if I do not walk out of that ring the BCEW champion, the Progressive Alliance can kiss my ass! That’s not just intolerable. That’s not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!”

“Hold on a second Justin,” an angry voice calls out. “It’s Triple R-Road Rage Randy!” Suave calls, “what is HE doing out here?” Triple R steams out. “Excuses, excuses,” Triple R says to Justin. Triple R tells him it could be the problem isn’t him getting screwed over. “The problem is you’re not good enough to get the job done!” Triple R says. He then tells Sufferable perhaps it’s time for a new person to carry the Progressive Alliance standard. “Perhaps…me.” The crowd ‘AWWWW’ as Justin can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Why would the Progressive Alliance want you?” scoffs Justin. Triple R responds that he’s from Ohio, a bellweather state. He believes the Progressive Alliance would “love to have me as their standard bearer instead of a whiney, crybaby loser and can’t win the big one!” The crowd: “WHHOOOOOAAA!”

“YEEE-AHHHHHHHHHHH!” The American Screamer Howard Dean comes out. Dean tells Triple R that he appreciates his enthusiasm but the number one guy for the Progressive Alliance is still Justin Sufferable. “Justin,” Dean says to him, “you’ve been close to reaching your goal, our goal- the BCEW Title.” He tells Sufferable that the Progressive Alliance has done everything possible for him and at BCEW Extreme Election Night it was up to him to push the ball across the goal. “If you don’t win the title at the pay per view,” Dean says, “then unfortunately Justin, all bets are off.”

Suave talks about the road to November’s Pay Per View, BCEW Extreme Election Night. He announces three of the matches that will take place: 1) The big grudge rematch between Independent Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont of the Progressive Alliance with the Left Wing Bloggers Media Matters for America, Daily Kos, and Eric Alterman in his corner, 2) Mike DeWine of the American Patriots vs. Sherrod Brown of the Progressive Alliance, and 3) once and for all, Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance against from the champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido for the BCEW Title.

BCEW CEO George W’s aide de camp, Dick, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove discuss the flagging fortunes of the American Patriots. While Rove points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a friggin’ genius, Dick warns the Progressive Alliance that even though it appears that they have the momentum, the American Patriots will do everything in their power to prevail at BCEW Extreme Election Night. “Sherrod Brown,” Dick says, “you’re going down. Ned Lamond. You too-” Dick gets interrupted by the Virginian George Allen. “I’m sick and tired of the macaca coming out that Reagan name dropping wannabe James Webb,” Allen says. Suave asks Allen if he realizes that the word macaca is a slur in some cultures. “Really?” Allen asks, “I thought it was a word for s***. You know, you’re full of macaca. I’m full of macaca.” The crowd cheers when Webb comes out. “IT’S THE FORMER MARINE!” Suave says. Webb challenges Allen to a match right now and it’s on.

MAIN EVENT- MATCH #2- George Allen (American Patriots) vs. James Webb (Progressive Alliance)
The bell rings and Allen attacks Webb when Webb focuses on “The Mastermind” Karl Rove ringside. Allen with an Irish whips Webb to the ropes and gets clotheslined. Webb Irish whips Allen back but the American Patriot hits a back elbow. Allen throws Webb out of the ring and Rove gets a cheap shot on his knee. Rove points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. “Here comes the American Screamer Howard Dean!” Suave says as Dean punches Rove and drives him down. Allen hits a suplex and then he hits a knee drop across Webb’s forehead for a two count. Webb punches Allen in the corner.

“This is a big one,” Suave comments, “both the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance want this one bad.” Webb with a kick to Allen and then sends him over the top rope to the floor. The crowd breaks out a chant of ‘BCEW!’ Howard Dean takes a couple of cheap shots at Allen and rolls him back in the ring. Allen knee drops Webb. Webb counters with a neck breaker and covers for a two count. Allen punches Webb; Webb punches back. Webb hits a power slam and covers for a two count. “YYEEEE-AHHHHH!” screams Dean for no apparent reason. Webb traps Allen in the corner and hits him with kicks and more punches. “It’s starting to go Webb’s way,” Suave says. “He’s poised for a huge upset!” As if on cue, the American Patriot’s Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes walk to the ring. Allen and Webb exchange punches with Webb getting the advantage and Allen down to the mat. Starz N. Stripes sneaks into the ring and hits a DDT on Webb. Allen hits a facebuster and then he sets up for his finisher but Howard Dean again shouts “YYYEEEE-AHHHH!” and distracts Allen.

Out of the blue, Triple R-Road Rage Randy hits the ring and drills Allen with a back breaker. Webb looks for his finishing move but Allen pushes him off. Webb gives him a spinebuster while Dean gets on the apron and distracts Allen long enough for Triple R to sneak in again and hit a low blow. Starz N. Stripes jumps in and throws Triple R into the ring post. Dean hands Webb a steel-folding chair. But “The Mastermind” Karl Rove low blows Webb at the last moment. Allen slams Webb with the chair and gets the three count.

WINNER: George Allen of the American Patriots.

“That was a close one,” Suave says. “I have a feeling these two will meet again in just a couple weeks at BCEW-Extreme Election Night.”

Sunday, October 15, 2006

10/15- BCEW Politics Is War Cable TV Show


‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann talks to the locker room before the show. He repeats his mantra for the umpteeth time that people want to see ‘sports entertainment,’ not ‘wrestling.’ He tells them he doesn’t want to see anything extreme because that’ll turn people off. “They don’t want to see that,” McMann says, “they want to see stories, eye candy, soap opera for men. And that’s what we’re going to give them!”

Peacenik #1 and #2 stand up and protest the name of the show “BCEW-Politics Is War!” War is bad they tell McMann and they want a more peaceful, utopian type name for the show. The Peaceniks also want the violence toned down and to win more matches. Then Nic Koteen and Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect responds by telling them that they’re not putting up with their smug, self-righteous, and sanctimonious crap anymore. “You (bleep)-holes are just as bad as the (bleep)-ing God Squad,” says Cahall, “trying to tell us what to do and what to think!” Then Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell of the God Squad get into it. McMann tries to get control back of the meeting and tells Politically Incorrect that they will face the Green World Order and the God Squad in a three way unextreme, ultra non-violent tag team match later tonight. Politically Incorrect and the God Squad look at Seg as if he was crazy.

A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb) immediately objects and is joined by his brothers Hy Drogen Bomb (H-Bomb) and Newt Tron Bomb (N-Bomb). “This is wrestling! Not some pansy-ass soap opera!” A-Bomb says. Seg tells all three Bomb Brothers that they’re too extreme for the new cable show and that they can have the night off.

McMann then asks for volunteers to participate in the Extreme Strip Euchre game to take place at the end of the show. No one volunteers. Seg waits…and waits…

Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to the first ever “BCEW- Politics Is War” on the Comic Book Channel. “We are live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio!” Suave says and then makes an obligatory mention that the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley, is watching the show from his basement. Bruce waves to the camera. Then his mother yells at him “BRUCE! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE AND TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT LIKE I TOLD YOU TOO!” “AW COME ON MOM!” Bruce yells back. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WATCHING WRESTLING ON TV?

“As I said,” Suave says, “forty years old and living in his mother’s basement.”

Backstage, Seg tries to talk the Bomb Brother’s Valet, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, into participating in Strip Euchre game. She turns him down flat.

Match #1- Paris Hilton of the Skanky Rich Bimbos vs. Shanna Moakler in an Extreme Fluffy Pillow Fight
“Here is our first match on BCEW Politics Is War,” Suave announces and then adds embarrassedly, “and it’s an Extreme Fluffy Pillow Fight?” Suave then calls it crap. *MEOW* He perks up when Paris Hilton’s new song comes on and the Skanky Rich Bimbo herself comes out dressed in a frilly lace nightgown. “Well, at least it’s getting better with Paris Hilton in the match.” Then her opponent, former Playboy playmate Shanna Moakler, comes out also dressed in nighttime apparel. “Actually, it’s getting a lot better now,” Suave adds. Seg McMann goes to the ring and proclaims that it’s fitting that this type of match kicks off Politics Is War. Suave makes retching noises.

Seg grins as both women come out and start swinging a fluffy pillow at each other. It’s amusing for a few seconds. But Shanna tires of it and clocks Paris in the jaw. “Wait!,” Seg says, “you’re not supposed to do that!” Moakler then drives Hilton down and wails on her some more. Seg attempts to stop Shanna by pulling her off Paris. Shanna stands up and clocks Seg sending him flying across the ring. “YEAH!” Suave stands up and shouts, “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” The crowd chants “SHE’S EXTREME!” Suddenly, Nicole Richie races in and tackles Moakler. The two women start rolling around the ring. “CATFIGHT!” yells Suave, “CATFIGHT!” Paris jumps in and there’s more rolling around until the referee finally calls the match. The crowd cheers and chants “BCEW.” “I guess after all the rumors and stories over the months this means the SRB are officially back together!” Suave says.

Winner: No one.

Seg McMann stalks off to the back and runs into the Green World Order’s Peta from PETA. Seg attempts to talk Peta into participating in the Strip Euchre game. She not only turns him down but she slaps him for good measure too. “Good!” Suave comments.

Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out to introduce the next match between Little Paulie of the American Bikers and the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. She doesn’t make through three words when “Triple R” Road Rage Randy comes out. “Aw geez, what the hell does he want?” Suave gripes. Triple R pushes people out of the way and climbs into the ring. Suave recaps what took place last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV. Triple R tried to make Charlene Ann change her Bowling Green State University jersey because he claimed Ohio was ‘Ohio State’ country. Charlene Ann refused. Triple R attempted to take her shirt off himself and Little Paulie came out and laid him out. To add insult to injury, Charlene Ann kicked him in the balls. He goes after Charlene Ann but both Little Paulie and Starz N. Stripes block his way. Triple R starts brawling with both men and the bell rings.

Match #2- Three Way Dance between Little Paulie of the American Bikers (Independent), Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots), and “Triple R” Road Rage Randy (Who the hell knows?)
“It’s a three way dance,” Suave proclaims. The fans chanted for Little Paulie as he worked on Triple R in the corner then landed a high back body drop. Triple R came back and nailed Little Paulie in the face with a back elbow smash and then he knocked the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes off the apron to the base of a table. Triple R then slingshot over the ropes and plowed the Rookie Sensation back into the table. He took Starz back into the ring and scored a nearfall. Little Paulie nailed Triple R with a high-elevated dropkick off the ropes. Starz N. Stripes followed with a high kick in the corner for a nearfall. Another ‘BCEW’ chant broke out from the appreciative fans.

Meanwhile, NASCAR race driver Brian Vickers comes out as a special guests and discusses his first ever Nextel Cup victory at Talladega with Johnny Suave.

Little Paulie clotheslines Triple R over the top rope and he falls to the floor. Little Paulie climbs the top turnbuckle and lands a devastating elbow on Triple R on the outside. Starz N. Stripes then gets into the act and does the same thing. All three men brawl on the outside. They come around towards the announcer’s table just as Brian Vickers is finishing up his interview with Johnny Suave. Vickers scoot his chair out just as Triple R walks by. Triple R trips on the leg of the chair and tumbles forward into Little Paulie and both fall into the steel barricade. “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! VICKERS JUST KNOCKED OUT BOTH LITTLE PAULIE AND TRIPLE R!” Starz pins Little Paulie for the easy win outside the ring.

Winner: Starz N. Stripes (with a little assist from NASCAR driver Brian Vickers)

“HOLY CRAP,” Suave observes, “The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes get the win thanks to Brian Vickers knocking out his two opponents by accident!”


Seg McMann goes up to Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey and asks her to participate in the Strip Euchre game. Ramsey actually gives some consideration to the idea but she turns Seg down again. Seg looks frustrated.

Seg McMann- BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin segment
Seg goes to the ring. “Well,” Suave says, “Mr. Sports Entertainment doesn’t seem to be having a very good night!” Seg takes the microphone. “I bet you’ve all been wondering where the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin has been?” Suave shouts back, “Hell yeah!” The crowd starts up a ‘(bleep)-hole’ chant. McMann ignores them and points to the video screen. Tessa is chained up in the basement of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house while a smug Skip, the president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house taunts her. “This has nothing to do with wrestling!” Suave protests. Again McMann tells the audience that this is kind of stuff they want to see. Stories. Babes in action. “Right Bruce?” McMann says.

Cut to Bruce’s basement. The President of the Comic Book Channel flashes a thumbs up sign. Bruce appears to be enjoying the show until his mother yells down to him again to “get off your ass and take the damn garbage out!” “I SAID I’D TAKE IT OUT AFTER THE (BLEEP)-ING SHOW MOM!” he shouts back up.

McMann tells Skip to go ahead. “Go ahead with what?” Suave asks. Skip then introduces a prominent Alpha Sigma Sigma alumni and noted hypnotist, Dr. Avery Von Rickshaw,’ who comes out and hypnotizes the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and she falls into a trance. “AW COME ON!,” Suave says echoing the crowd who chants “BORRRRR-ING.” Dr. Von Rickshaw asks Skip what does he want to use her for? “Power?” Dr. Von Rickshaw asks with a bit of an evil flair, “World Domination?” “I want her to do a striptease for me,” Skip replies. Dr. Von Rickshaw seems surprised. “I would have gone with world domination myself,” he tells Skip, “But that’s just me.”

“Wasn’t that great?” Seg gushes, “you guys like that stuff!” The crowd’s reaction suggest otherwise. “You’re kidding right,” Suave asks sarcastically. “This is what Sports Entertainment is all about? Don’t get me wrong, the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl is nice to look at but this ‘storyline’ is crap!”

Match #3- Three Way Tag Team between Nic Koteen and Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect (Independent), Peacenik #1 and #2 of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance), and Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell of the God Squad (American Patriots) in an ‘Unextreme, Non-Violent’ Match.
“What, are they going to pillow fight too?” Suave asks. Seg gets on the microphone and again tells the combatants no extreme, ultraviolent stuff. The crowd boos and a “Seg Sucks ****” chant starts. Furious, Seg tells the audience that they know nothing about sports entertainment and that he is the king of sports entertainment. More boos. Seg tells them to shut up. “As long as the President of the Comic Book Channel likes it, the rest of you can just kiss my ass! Right Bruce?”

Cut back to Bruce’s basement. Again, he flashes a thumbs up sign. But then his TV turns off and then the basement goes black when Bruce’s pissed off mother cuts off the power downstairs because he hasn’t taken the garbage out. “MOM!” Bruce’s voice is heard from the darkness.

Seg awkwardly smiles and tells the referee to ring the bell. The match begins with Nic Koteen, Peacenik #1, and Rev. Robertson who basically come out and just circle each other. Everytime Koteen feigns going after Peacenik #1, the GWO member shouts out ‘non-violence, non-violence.’ This goes on for another minute before the fans starting getting restless. “Okay, this is exciting,” Suave says, “non-violence in a wrestling match. Isn’t that an oxymoron?” The audience begins to throw debris into the ring when Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads out the three Bomb Brothers and a mystery fourth member to a standing ovation. Seg is furious and gets on the mic. “YOU WERE GIVEN THE NIGHT OFF!” he screams, “GET THE **** OUT OF HERE NOW!” The new member of the Bomb Brothers, named ‘Sign Dude’ because he carries a stick with a sign board on it, shows Seg his new sign: “SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT SUCKS!” The crowd cheers loudly while Seg throws a fit in the ring. Daisy hops into the ring along with A-Bomb and H-Bomb. The God Squad bail out on the match and leave. Politically Incorrect stay off to the side. Only the Peaceniks remain. “Get away from me,” Seg tells the Bomb Brothers.

Peacenik #1 hands #2 a chloroform-covered handkerchief and #2 tries to sneak around A-Bomb. Nic Koteen, a victim last week of a similar occurrence, immediately intercepts Peacenik #2, takes away the handkerchief, and then uses it on Peacenik #2. Peacenik #1 can’t believe it. He tries to get to Nic but runs into an A-Bomb choke slam and then Daisy grabs Seg and drops him with a DDT. Sign Dude throws in a couple tables and Daisy sets them up. “YES!” Suave shouts, “I LIKE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT!” Both Peaceniks and Seg are draped over the tables and A-Bomb and H-Bomb both climb turnbuckles. Simultaneously, both men leap from the turnbuckles and plow the Peaceniks and Seg right through the tables. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims and the crowd again chants ‘BCEW!’ “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” Suave says as the Bomb Brothers celebrate in the ring with their new member Sign Dude.

BCEW Extreme Strip Euchre Game
Since no one from BCEW volunteered, Seg, who’s absent for this segment, brought in four models to play strip euchre. The problem? They don’t know how to play euchre. “What are we playing anyways?” says one. “I don’t know,” says another followed by various inane comments such as: “How do you play this game?” “So what are we supposed to do?” “I guess just take off our clothes.” “Oh…okay.” “I hate cards,” says another. “You know I really hate,” says yet another, “when you check your email and there’s these messages about Viagra and other stuff.” “You mean spam.” “Spam?” “Yeah Spam!” Suddenly, an Eskimo dressed in a parka and some professorial, collegiate type guy with a microphone bust into the room. The girls scream and the Eskimo says something in Eskimoese. “Chinook the Spam Hunting Eskimo says, where is the spam that you talked about?” says his guide Dr. Tim Frost-Free who translates what Chinook is saying. The shocked girls don’t answer and then Chinook tears the place apart looking for spam.

“Okay. That was just weird,” Suave says. “Suffice to say, things have not gone tonight the way ‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann thought they would.”

Match #4- Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. BCEW Champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)
“On a show that’s been curiously devoid of politics,” Suave observes, “finally here’s a match that has some.” Sufferable comes out. “This is big,” Suave says, “the Progressive Alliance would love to have the BCEW title back in their stable.” Escondido, the independent, comes out alone. Sufferable gets on the mic and tells Escondido nothing can stop him tonight from becoming the new BCEW champion. Then he does his catchphrase: “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!”

The match gets underway and both men trade punches back and forth before Sufferable drop kicks Escondido and puts him in a bear hug. Escondido gets out of the hold and throws himself back against the ropes. He runs into a clothesline from Sufferable. Sufferable then comes off the turnbuckle, but Escondido counters with back kick and then an enzuigiri, spin kick, and a monkey flip. Great action and the crowd cheers for both men. Sufferable hits a running spin kick in the corner on Escondido followed by a side kick from the top turnbuckle and then he goes up top for a splash. Escondido comes in to stop him and Sufferable then leaps and hits a super kick on Escondido. Sufferable climbs the turnbuckle and Airs himself off Escondido’s back sending him to the opposite corner. Escondido responds with a clothesline that sends Sufferable over the top rope to the floor. Escondido goes up top and hits the big splash and Sufferable outside the ring. Again, the crowd goes crazy over the work that both men are doing. A ‘BCEW!’ chant follows. “This is a great match!” gushes Suave.

“HOLD ON!” a voice says offscreen, “HOLD ON A SECOND!” “Oh no!” Suave says as a bruised and battered Seg McMann and Skip, the President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, lead the hypnotized BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin out to the ring. “It’s time for the moment you all have been waiting for!” McMann says and then adds, “and me too.” Skip has an evil grin. The match stops in its tracks. The crowd boos when McMann orders Tessa to go into the ring and do a strip tease. All three climb in the ring. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Suave shouts, agreeing with the objecting crowd, “HE’S STOPPING A GREAT MATCH FOR HIS OWN EGO GRATIFICATION! As the crowd loudly jeers, Seg sits down in chair. “OH COME ON!” Suave says as Tessa slowly removes her shoes, socks, jeans, and finally her shirt, “THIS IS NOT RIGHT ON SO MANY LEVELS!” Down to her undergarments, Seg gets a drooling, sick smile on his face when Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. Skippy also literally has his tongue sticking out like a wolf. Then, Tessa motions for both Seg and Skip to come over. Suave is apoplectic at this point. Seg and Skip walk over and again Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. Then she smiles and swiftly grabs both Seg and Skip and… AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (in stereo) …gives them the testicular claw. The crowd explodes. “YES!” Suave says, “YES! YES! YES!” In intense pain, both Seg and Skip’s face turn red and then blue. “Again, Justin Sufferable doesn’t get his chance to defeat Chris Escondido!” Suave recaps, “he may have to wait until November’s Pay Per View “BCEW-Extreme Election Night!” Seg and Skip finally pass out. “Thank you Tessa!” Suave says as the crowd shouts out 'BCEW' to end the night.

Friday, October 06, 2006

10/4- BCEW Extreme Political TV

Hot crowd starts the night off with a loud ‘BCEW’ chant. Johnny Suave comes out with the ever present life size cardboard cutout of Shania Twain and announces that BCEW Extreme Political TV is live this week from the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.

The big story according to Suave, “Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anistan have broken up!” Suave warns Vince that the hot-looking cardboard cutout of Shania Twain is off limits! A quick recap of last week’s show where Little Paulie of the American Bikers defeated Triple R- Road Rage Randy and then Triple R got his revenge after the match when he bashed in Little Paulie’s and Big Paulie’s motorcycles. “The American Bikers vow to get their hands on Triple R tonight,” Suave announces, “We’ve also got a hot main event between Mike DeWine of the American Patriots versus Sherrod Brown from the Progressive Alliance with special guest referee Tim Russert!”

BCEW CEO George W’s Office
George W sits as his desk and talks to two men with their backs facing the camera. “All right, Musharraf. Karzai,” W says. “You two need to get your heads together and work this out!” W bonks their heads together and both men fall to the floor. The Mastermind Karl Rove enters and advises George W that it’s almost time for him to formally announce the new monthly BCEW cable show ‘BCEW Politics Is War’ on the Comic Book Channel.

Politically Incorrect Promo
NRA is ‘interviewed’ by a buxom blonde pretending to be a member of the Green World Order. She asks him about the camp NRA is setting up for young children to visit. NRA tells her that he’ll teach them climbing, canoeing, archery……and shooting. “Shooting?” the blonde exclaims. “Isn’t that irresponsible?” NRA explains the kids will be properly supervised on the shooting range. The blonde asks NRA if he admits this is a terribly dangerous activity to teach young children? NRA says he doesn’t see how as they’ll be taught proper rifle discipline before anyone touches a gun. “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!” the blonde squeals. “Well ma’am,” NRA responds. “You’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one are you?” Then NRA starts to laugh uproariously. The blonde quickly joins in. Even Suave gets into the act.

“Yeah, even though it’s based on what’s probably an urban myth being spread by email,” Suave says in between guffaws, “that’s still pretty damn funny!”

Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order appears. He doesn’t think it’s funny and tells NRA so. Peacenik #1 accuses NRA of promoting violence and no one should be allowed to own a gun. NRA tells Peacenik #1 everyone can decide for themselves and no one needs him or anyone else telling them what and what they can’t do. They go nose to nose. Peacenik #1 tells NRA they can settle this right now. NRA says fine.

Match #1- Peacenik #1 from the Green World Order vs. NRA from Politically Incorrect
Suave said The Green World Order has had their share of problems with Politically Incorrect lately. NRA went with punches early on and backed Peacenik #1 into a corner. Peacenik #1 slammed NRA headfirst into the top turnbuckle and then went on the attack. Peacenik #1 avoids a running splash and then nails a reverse neck breaker on NRA. NRA retaliates by drilling Peacenik #1 with a hard right hand then hits a beautiful swinging neckbreaker. NRA hit a DDT and went for the cover, but Peacenik #1 puts his arm on the top rope and the referee stops the count. NRA uses the ropes for additional leverage and then catches Peacenik #1 with another DDT. Again he covers but Peacenik's hand was on the bottom rope.

Peacenik #2 runs out to the ring and hands Peacenik #1 a chloroform covered cloth. Peacenik #1 smothers it around NRA's head. NRA loses consciousness and Peacenik #1 covers for the win.

Winner: Peacenik #1 of the GWO

“Hey! It’s a first. The Green World Order finally won one!” Suave said as the GWO celebrated in the ring. “How do you like that?”

Sherrod Brown Promo
Brown states he’s here in BCEW tonight to put to rest the notion that Mike DeWine is an independent thinker. “Mike DeWine is such an independent thinker,” Brown says, “that he’s independently kissed BCEW CEO George W’s ass 92% of the time! Brown adds that the fans should support him tonight because they can trust him, not Mike DeWine. “I’m more like you,” Brown argues, “I’m going to outsource Mike DeWine to another country just like all the jobs in the small business sector that have been lost!”

Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out to introduce the next match. Suave informs everyone that it was announced that Charlene Ann is pregnant with her first child. “Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Beckworth,” Suave says as Charlene Ann climbs into the ring wearing an oversized orange Bowling Green State University football jersey. Suave notes that Bowling Green plays Ohio State this Saturday down at the Horseshoe and that they’re “probably going to get killed.”

Charlene Ann starts to introduce the match but is interrupted by Triple R- Road Rage Randy. “What the hell?” Suave asks, “It’s Triple R and- what the hell is that? A giant buckeye?” Triple R, looking his usual extremely angry self, goes to the ring wearing an Ohio State shirt accompanied by Mr. Bucknut- a guy with a giant buckeye as a head. “This is (BLEEP)-ing Ohio State country babe,” he yells at Charlene Ann. “No one gives a (BLEEP)-ing about (BLEEP)-ing Bowling Green!” Mr. Bucknut nods in agreement. “That’s not called for!” Suave says. “She’s freakin’ pregnant!” Triple R demands that Charlene Ann take off the Bowling Green jersey. “Apparently, you’ve been inhaling too much of the ‘O-Zone,” Charlene Ann responds, “it’s not happening.” The crowd lays into Triple R and chants (BLEEP)-HOLE! Road Rage simply flips them off and again demands Charlene Ann remove the jersey. Mr. Bucknut points to his Ohio State uniform. “Listen Bucknut and (BLEEP)-hole!” says Charlene Ann, “you can take your demand and stick up it your ass. This jersey ain’t coming off!” “YES!” Suave shouts. The crowd cheers. Mr. Bucknut grabs Charlene Ann and holds her. “WAIT A MINUTE!” Suave shouts, “SHE’S PREGNANT! LEAVE HER ALONE!” The BCEW fans in Eagle Rock chant “(BLEEP)-HOLE!” as Road Rage grabs the bottom of Charlene Ann’s jersey and tries to take it off of her. “SOMEONE STOP THEM!” Suave pleads. Then the sound of a motorcycle…

“HOLY CRAP! IT’S LITTLE PAULIE AND BIG PAULIE- THE AMERICAN BIKERS!” Suave says as they hit the ring with chrome pipes salvaged from the motorcycles Triple R destroyed last week. Little Paulie and Big Paulie crack Triple R-Road Rage Randy and Mr. Bucknut over the head and they go down. The bell rings. “It’s an impromptu match!” Suave cries…

Match #2- Triple R-Road Rage Randy and Mr. Bucknut vs. Little Paulie and Big Paulie of the American Bikers
The American Bikers continue to beat the tar out of Triple R and Mr. Bucknut. Little Paulie holds up Triple R and motions Charlene Ann to come over. She walks over and kicks Triple R in the balls. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “I think she just kicked a field goal!” Big Paulie then holds Mr. Bucknut and the crowd anticipates what happens next. “There she goes. The kick is up,” Suave says as Charlene Ann executes a perfect kick to Mr. Bucknut’s crown jewels, “AND IT’S GOOD!” Mr. Bucknut flops to the canvas. Big Paulie tells Charlene Ann to cover Mr. Bucknuts. She does. 1-2-3. “It’s over! The American Bikers get their revenge!” Suave says, “…and you can tell someone who graduated from Bowling Green wrote this bit. Charlene Ann Beckworth will probably be the only Bowling Green person to get a win over a Buckeye this weekend.”

Mike DeWine Promo
DeWine comes out and essentially says that Sherrod Brown is too extreme even for Buckland County Extreme Wrestling. DeWine claims Brown has a problem with reality. “You want me,” DeWine says, “you got me. The reality is that the only ass that’s going to get kissed tonight is mine after I give you a good old fashioned extreme trip to the woodshed.”

W formally announces the cable deal for ‘BCEW- Politics Is War’
Geroge W, W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove, and “Sports Entertainment Guy” Seg McMann, and the President of the Comic Book Channel Bruce Cooley announce the cable deal. Cooley is dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with a long hair tied in a ponytail in back. W puts over the fact that the new ‘BCEW Politics Is War’ show on the Comic Book Channel will give BCEW a much wider distribution to help spread the brand name. W says that he’s very busy with running BCEW so he’s putting Seg McMann in charge of the cable show. “WHAT!” Suave exclaims, “You can’t be serious!” W explains his decision by saying that Seg is an expert in producing ‘sports entertainment’ and that’s what the people want. Suave disagrees. “And speaking of Seg McMann,” Suave adds, “just what the hell happened to BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin?” Last week, Tessa returned to her apartment and was jumped by her arch-enemy Skip from the Alpha Sigma Sigma Fraternity. McMann ignores Suave’s question and says he’s about to give everyone a taste of what they’ll see on BCEW- Sports Entertainment.

A cat’s meow is heard. “Hey, hey, hey!” Suave says, “It’s the sound of my favorite…sound.” One half of the Skanky Rich Bimbos, Paris Hilton enters and she slowly walks to the ring. “It’s the SRB!” Suave yells, “or at least half of the SRB!” Hilton slinks up to the ring and calls for McMann's attention. She was on the stage to congratulate McMann with a dance. Paris began to dance suggestively around Seg. “You see,” Seg says, “this is what people want to see. Right Bruce?” Bruce Cooley of the Comic Book Channel nods. “Yeah right,” Suave says sarcastically, “Bruce is 40 years old and still lives in his parent’s basement. Of course he likes this crap!” Seg McMann looks into the camera and tells BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin that she’ll be doing the dance next week at ‘BCEW-Sports Entertainment.’ Before Suave can express his digust again with Seg McMann, someone rushes to the ring. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “IT’S FORMER PLAYBOY PLAYMATE SHANNA MOAKLER!” The crowd cheers as Moakler starts cursing out Paris and then slugs her in the jaw. Suave: “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!” Still cursing away, Moakler drags Paris by the hair down to the canvas and starts wailing on her some more “Wow! She pissed off about Paris making out with her estranged husband,” Suave says, “I hope we’re bleeping out some of this.” Security finally steps in and separates the two much to the crowd’s chagrin.

Sherrod Brown comes to the ring led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean. Mike DeWine is accompanied by Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy of the American Patriots. “This is going to be interesting,” opines Suave, “there’s a lot riding on this as we head toward the November pay per view ‘BCEW Extreme Election Night 2006!” Suave notes that Independent Joe Lieberman and the Progressive Alliance’s Ned Lamont have already signed on for the pay per view.

Match #3 Mike DeWine of the American Patriots vs. Sherrod Brown of the Progressive Alliance with Tim Russert as the guest referee
Both men ignore referee Tim Russert’s attempt to have them shake hands and it begins. Brown drags DeWine out of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. DeWine counters, blocks a suplex, and drapes Brown across the guardrail. DeWine attempts a spin kick from the ring apron. Brown moves out of the way and DeWine crashes right-knee-first into the rail. The American Screamer Howard Dean interjects himself into the match and helps Brown pick up the ring steps and try to slam them into DeWine's head. DeWine just ducks out of the way and the steps bounce back and blasts Howard Dean in the face. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts as Dean is busted open. “DEAN CAUGHT THAT FULL FORCE!” A ‘BCEW’ chant started. DeWine flings Brown into the steel barricade again and then leaps and clotheslines him. DeWine reaches under the ring and pulls out a table. He sets it up on the outside and lifts The American Screamer in the air. Russert tries to stop him but DeWine suplexes Dean through the table. “WOW! I think Howard Dean could be dead,” Suave says as The American Screamer lies in a heaping pile of wood that used to be a table.

Brown and DeWine brawl near the apron. Brown blocks a suplex attempt then does a sunset flip over DeWine. Russert counts another near pinfall for the Progressive Alliance. Then a woman walks to ringside. “WHO’S THAT?” Suave says, “Wait a minute! THAT’S HILLARY CLINTON! WHAT IS SHE DOING OUT HERE!” Clinton sprays something in DeWine’s eyes. “SHE JUST MACED MIKE DeWINE!,” Suave shouts out. Brown rolls DeWine back into the ring as the crowd chants, "Hillary sucks." Brown goes for the cover…Russert starts counting. “One, two…NO! IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN McCAIN!” Suave shrieks, “McCAIN BREAKS UP THE COUNT!” McCain then hits Brown with a mule kick for good measure and quickly exits.

Brown throws DeWine to the outside and works on DeWine's right knee. Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy frantically waves to the back for help. Suddenly from the front section races down the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Starz plows into Hillary from behind and sends her into the steel barricade. “THE ROOKIE SENSATION CLEANS HOUSE ON THE OUTSIDE!” Suave says as Brown and DeWine continue to brawl in the ring. The crowd is rocking at this point as someone else runs down to the ring. “NOW WHAT? IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” Suave says as the Sufferable whacks Starz in the back with a Singapore cane. “TIM RUSSERT’S LOST TOTAL CONTROL OF THIS MATCH!” Suave shouts as Starz N. Stripes and DeWine battles Justin Sufferable and Brown outside the ring. The crowd rises up when the BCEW champion Chris Escondido appears in the back. Escondido races to the ring and flattens Justin Sufferable. “IT’S JUST A MESS NOW!” Suave exclaims as all hell breaks loose and the locker room for both factions run to the ring.