Wednesday, September 27, 2006

9/26- BCEW Extreme Political TV

Johnny Suave announces that BCEW Extreme Political TV is on the air. This week, they are live from the Henry County Fairgrounds in Napoleon, Ohio. A loud BCEW chant follows from the crowd.

Suave recaps the end of the Starz N. Stripes/Chris Escondido title match at the Loose Cannons- Lock and Load pay per view. “Justin Sufferable was supposed to wrestle Chris Escondido for the BCEW title,” Suave explains. “And then this…” The replay shows Sufferable suffering a major beatdown at the hands of the American Patriots. “Sufferable was out and Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots took his place,” Suave continues, “then this…” Starz N. Stripes never makes it to the ring because a bruised and bandaged up Justin Sufferable attacks him with a Singapore cane. “Let’s go to the back.”

George W., a disgruntled looking Dick, The American Screamer Howard Dean, and the Straight Shooter John McCain hold a joint press conference where they announce an agreement to give Justin Sufferable his title shot…on BCEW’s brand new cable show! “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “we get our own cable show?” The crowd chants BCEW again. George W explains that the show will appear every other week on the Comic Book Channel and the hosts will be Johnny Suave and “Sports Entertainment Guy” Seg McMann. “WHAT!” Suave says, “I have to co-host with him!” Suave is not happy.

First match- a Northern Colorado style punting showdown between Mitch Kozad vs. Rafeal Mendoza.
Kozad pulls out a knife and stabs Mendoza in the right thigh of his kicking leg. He declares himself the winner. “He can’t do that!” Suave says, “he freakin’ stabbed the guy! That’s too extreme even for BCEW!” Then Ice Skating Trailer Trash Tonya Hardy comes out with the White Trash Posse. “Now here’s someone who knows about taking someone out by the knee,” Suave observes. “You don’t take someone out with a knife,” Hardy tells Kozad, “you could kill someone with a knife. No, what you need is this.” Hardy brandishes a baton. “This gets the job done just as well,” Hardy says as the White Trash Posse hit the ring and flail away on Mandoza’s knee with their batons. Hardy joins in and whacks away at Kozad’s knee. Kozad finally covers and gets the win.

WINNER: Mitch Kozad

Suave is about to comment on the previous match when the creepy Burger King guy comes out to the ring and strangely enough starts blasting George W. He calls him the devil. He complains of a sulphur smell in the wrestling ring where W stood. Then he holds up a Noam Chomsky book.

Nancy Pelosi of the Progressive Alliance comes out and confronts creepy Burger King guy. She clothelines him and knocks his head off. “HOLY CRAP,” Suave says, “it’s the Vitriolic Venezuelian Crackpot Hugo Chavez!” Pelosi takes the mic from Chavez and tells him, “no one, I repeat no one, comes into BCEW, comes on our turf and condemns George W. like that.” She then adds, “he may an a-hole. But he’s our a-hole. So turn around and get the hell out of our ring.” Chavez leaves and Pelosi walks by where George W watches. “Thanks,” W says. “This doesn’t change anything,” Pelosi tells him, “I still think you’re a contemptable jerk and I hate everything you stand for. Is that clear?” W nods. “Yeah, I understand.”

Match 2- “Triple R” Road Rage Randy vs. Little Paulie with Big Paulie of the American Bikers
Road Rage comes to the ring, pushing everyone out of his way and flipping them off. “Nice, really nice,” Suave says as Road Rage shoves down someone in the audience and stomps up the stairs to the ring. “@#$# YOU!,” Road Rage shouts and goes right after Little Paulie. Triple R pushes Little Paulie into the corner and throws a barrage of punches. “Little Paulie could be in trouble,” Suave says, “Triple R is just really…pissed.” Road Rage goes for a cover, Little Paulie kicks out. He tries again, the American Biker kicks out a second time. Triple R angrily bangs his fists on the canvas. He leaps at Little Paulie. Little Paulie sidesteps Road Rage and pushes him into the corner turnbuckle. Big Paulie cracks him over the head with a lead pipe. Road Rage stumbles backwards, Little Paulie puts him in a small package and gets the pin.

WINNER: Little Paulie

After the match, Road Rage throws a fit. He jumps up and down, flails his arms, and swears all over the place. Then he leaves the ring and exits the building. “Not a happy man,” Suave observes, “not a happy man at all.”

Sports Entertainment Moment
“Sports Entertainment Guy” Seg McMann comes out to promote the new bi-weekly BCEW Cable show on the Comic Book Channel. Seg says that he knows what the geeks and freaks out there wants. “It’s not wrestling,” he says, “it’s sports entertainment. Soap opera for men. Skits. Storylines. Not this extreme crap.” He then claims that despite what she thinks, BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin is going to play a big part of the cable show. “I don’t think so,” Suave says, “at Loose Cannons- Lock and Load, the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl made it clear she doesn’t want any part of Seg McMann or his sports entertainment crap.” Seg begs to differ.

Tessa Martin returns home after a long night of delivering pizzas at the Pizza Galaxy. She unlocks her apartment door and opens it. It’s pitch black inside. She goes inside and flips on the light. “Hi Tess!” say a man sitting in a chair. “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S SKIP FROM THAT FRATERNITY ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA…OR A.S.S.” Suave says. Skip startles Tessa and then the screen goes to black. “As I said,” Seg McMann gloats, “Tessa Martin will be a part of Sports Entertainment here at BCEW. A big part.” Seg smiles. Suave thinks he’s almost as creepy as the Burger King guy.

Green World Order Promo
Peta from PETA and Vegan Brock Cole Lee come out in support of the proposed law in New York City to force restaurants to stop using trans fats in their food and to reveal calorie information. “It’s clear that you stupid, fat slobs are incapable of taking care of yourselves,” Peta from PETA says, “so someone has to do it for you!” Brock Cole Lee tells the booing crowd they don’t need to eat meat anyways. Peta from PETA agrees. “So you might as well stop booing and accept the fact that if you’re not going to eat right, then someone needs to force you to eat right!,” Peta decrees.

The crowd cheers as Nic Koteen and Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect come out. “You know what the problem is?” Koteen says in between drags from a cigarette, “there’s just too damn many of you telling us what to do. What we can eat? Whether we can smoke or not?” The crowd agrees. “The world would be a helluva better place if a-holes like you would stop sticking your nose in people’s businesses and stop telling them what to do!” adds Cahall in between swigs of beer. The crowd agrees again and start to shout at the GWO. Peta and Brock Cole Lee tell them to shut up. They tell Politically Incorrect that they can’t come out and smoke and drink beer. Nic Koteen tells them they can and they can do this…the third member of NRA comes out pulling a grill with ground beef cooking on it. Peta from PETA freaks out. Brock Cole Lee points at NRA and tells him “that’s not nutritious food!” “The Green World Order- not happy with Politically Incorrect that’s for sure,” Suave says, “What? There’s a commotion outside? Let’s go and check it out.”

Triple R Road Rage Randy is in the parking lot beating the living hell out of Little Paulie’s motorcycle. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “HE’S DESTROYING LITTLE PAULIE’S BIKE! WHERE’S LITTLE PAULIE AND BIG PAULIE?” Cut to the back door. Both Little Paulie and Big Paulie are knocked out on the ground. Back to Road Rage, he’s completely obliterated Little Paulie’s bike into a useless pile of bent up and dented up metal. “WHAT’S THIS?” Suave says as a well tanned, white-haired man runs up to Triple R. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S FORMER BCEW CEO BILL CLINTON!” Clinton hammers Road Rage from behind and throws him up against the side of the arena. The police come in, taser Triple R, and then take him away. Chris Wallace from Fox News comes up and asks Clinton why is he here in BCEW? Clinton turns red and wags his finger at Wallace. “WHAT! You’re doing Fox's bidding on this. You’re doing your nice little conservative hit job on me.” Wallace: “No, I just wanted to ask why you’re here!” “WHAT!” Clinton pokes at Wallace’s notes. “You and you’re little smirk! It sets me off on such a tear because you don't formulate it in an honest way.” “Um, a smirk?” Wallace asks. “You people ask me questions you don't ask the other side," Clinton rages. “Sir, all I did was ask you a simple question," Wallace replied. “WHAT!” Clinton turns beet red, “Rupert Murdoch supports my work on climate change!” “Yes that’s nice Mr. Clinton, but why are you-” Wallace gets jumped from behind by MSNBC Anchor Keith Olbermann.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “IT’S A SET UP! IT WAS ALL A SET UP!” Olbermann and Clinton continues to double team Wallace. “That’s all for this week,” Suave announces, “We’ll find out more about the new cable show on the Comic Book Channel next time. We're on the road to November!”

Thursday, September 21, 2006

9/17- Loose Cannons-Lock and Load PPV

The crowd starts out with a “BCEW! BCEW!” chant to start the show. Johnny Suave comes out with a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Welcome to BCEW- Loose Cannons LOCK AND LOAD!” The crowd continues the “BCEW” chant. “We are live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in beautiful downtown Westville, Ohio. I am Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard is Shania Twain and we’ve got some action for you tonight!” Suave runs down the card which includes the first title defense by BCEW champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido, a defense of the BCEW tag team belts by Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers, and a big showdown between Condy Rice vs. The Empress Queen of All Media Opal Winfree.

“Let’s get to the-” Suave starts to say but he gets interrupted by some commotion in the back. Ned Lamont comes out fresh from a huge upset victory over Joe Lieberman in Connecticut a few weeks back. As he walks up the aisle along with The Left Wing Bloggers who helped him win, Suave wonders what they’ll have to say tonight.

Ned Lamont and his Bloggers, Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and The Daily Kos come to the ring and Lamond has something to say. Except when Lamond starts to talk. The Daily Kos interrupts and steps in. He gloats and dances and says that the prodigal sons, the messiahs, the saviors of the Progressive Alliance have arrived at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. Eric Alterman asks the BCEW fans if they realize that they are part of history tonight. They have come together and are part of a history making moment. To celebrate Lamont’s historic victory over Joe Lieberman. With all humility, Daily Kos wants to thank himself and Media Matters and Alterman, for this achievement. The crowd doesn’t share his sentiment. Daily Kos tells the fans ‘screw you.’ He and his bloggers know better than the ignorant fans does. “Lamont compromised with the extreme elements of the Progressive Alliance!” Suave says. Lamont actually starts to open his mouth to say something but gets interrupted. “We are going to end the reign of the American Patriots,” Daily Kos declares. “Our first step was to take on a legend in Joe Lieberman,” Alterman adds, “and we kicked his ass all over the ring!” For that, Alterman tells the audience ‘You’re welcome’ for their hard work and his ingenuity. This is our night.

“That’s a hell of a story,” an older folksy voice says from the back. “IT’S JOE LIEBERMAN!” exclaims Suave. Lamont starts to talk but Media Matters jumps in and tells him that if he makes one more step to the ring, they will kick his ass again. “You’re done,” sneers Eric Alterman, “go back to Connecticut old man before we embarrass you again. By collaborating with the American Patriots in the name of co-operation, you’ve sold the Progressive Alliance down the river.”

“That’s funny, the part about you kicking my ass,” Lieberman responds. Let’s watch what really happened:

It’s late in the match and Lieberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Lieberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Lieberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Lieberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Lieberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.

“Oh yeah,” Lieberman says, “you kicked my ass after your goons slipped you those brass knuckles.” Media Matters dismisses Lieberman as yesterday’s news. “You know, I’d actually love to hear Lamond talk for himself.” Sauve opines. “Come on out Howard,” Daily Kos says. “YEEEEEE-AHHHH!” The American Screamer Howard Dean comes out. Dean tells Lieberman that he appreciates his years of service to the Progressive Alliance but after what happened in Hartford he has no choice but endorse Lamont. Lamont grins. “It’s time for you stand down,” he says. Lieberman tells Dean and Lamont he’s not quitting quite yet. “I’m sure all of my ‘Joe-aholics’ out there will stand with me. If the Progressive Alliance doesn’t want me, than I have no other choice but to become an independent!” The crowd goes wild while Lamont and the Bloggers are furious. Daily Kos sputters that the Bloggers didn’t care about the so-called Joe-acholics. Lieberman lost and if he doesn’t want to go away gracefully, they’ll have to take it to the extreme one more time on him. Media Matters jumps out of the ring with other Bloggers right behind and confronts Lieberman. “THAT’S FOUR AGAINST ONE!” Suave says, “LIEBERMAN’S A SITTING DUCK!”

A huge explosion SFX. Through the smoke comes A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb), Hy Drogen Bomb (H-Bomb), “Silent But Deadly” Newt Tron Bomb, led by their well-endowed sister Daisy Cutter Bomb. Eric Alterman immediately accuses Lieberman of switching to the American Patriots. “Which you were an honorary member of anyways,” Media Matters adds. A- Bomb responds. He’s tired of not being supported by the American Patriots. He’s tired of the politics of George W, Dick- his aide de camp, and The Mastermind Karl Rove. He’s tired of getting screwed over. “Screw the American Patriots!” A-Bomb declares, “as of this moment the Bomb Family are also becoming independents.” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “HE’S SWITCHING SIDES!” H-Bomb then tells Lieberman than the Bomb Brothers have his back.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” a voice says. “IT’S DICK!” Suave says. “DICK AND THE MASTERMIND HAVE COME OUT!” The Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to again remind everyone just what a friggin’ genius he is. Dick starts out by telling A-Bomb that no one quits the American Patriots unless he says they can. “It’s not our fault you couldn’t cut it,” Dick tells A-Bomb, “we gave you opportunity upon opportunity to win the BCEW championship and quite frankly you weren’t up to the challenge. You dropped the ball.” Dick then tells A-Bomb that he can’t quit because he’s been fired. The crowd boos. Dick adds that he deserves to get his ass kicked by their new protégée Starz N. Stripes, except for the fact that he’s wrestling in the special 3 way dance main event tonight for the BCEW championship. “WHAT!” Suave is beside himself. “WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE JUSTIN SUFFERABLE AND CHRIS ESCONDIDO.” “We make the rules!” Dick declares, “deal with it.” With that parting shot, Dick and the Mastermind leave- the Mastermind again pointing to his temple, signifying what a genius he is.

The Bomb Brothers are furious. They gesture at the departing Dick. Then they look for someone to take out their frustrations on. Unfortunately for the Bloggers, they’re right in their line of sight. “Uh oh!” says Suave. The Bomb Brothers each look at each other and smile. Then they attack the Bloggers. A referee shows up and it’s another classic BCEW impromptu match.

Lamont slips to the back. In the ring, A-Bomb jumped Media Matters and set him up in the corner so H-Bomb could hit him with a trash can. Newt Tron brawled on the outside with Eric Alterman. H-Bomb produced a wire covered board from under the ring which The Daily Kos ran face first into, busting him open. Despite the wildly extreme start to the match, the Hack’s audience wanted even more and chanted “We want fire.” Daily Kos took another whack to the face from the barbed wire covered board. A-Bomb covered part of the ring with thumbtacks and bodyslammed Media Matters on them. “HOLY CRAP! THE BLOGGERS ARE TAKING ONE HELL OF A BEATING FROM A PISSED OFF BOMB BROTHERS!” H-Bomb, the most incendiary brother, again went under the ring and this time brought out a wire covered baseball bat. He then used the bat on Eric Alterman’s forehead until out of desperation Alterman mule kicked him. H-Bomb dropped the bat, Alterman picked it up and whacked H-Bomb several times to the back. Joe Lieberman gets involved. He ripped the bat from Alterman’s hands and nailed him with a bat shot that sent him out of the ring. Daisy Cutter Bomb rolled Alterman back into the ring and into the thumbtacks. Meanwhile, H-Bomb set up Media Matters and Daily Kos for Newt Tron Bomb’s finisher. Newt Tron turned his back to the Bloggers and then stuck his rear end in their face. “SILENT BUT DEADLY!” cried Suave, “SILENT BUT DEADLY AND….OH MY GOODNESS THAT REEKS!” Overcome by the noxious fumes emitted from Newt Tron Bomb’s butt, Media Matters and Daily Kos pass out.

With Media Matters and Daily Kos incapacitated, Lieberman choked Alterman out with the bat. A-Bomb covered for the pin.


“What a great start to the new season of BCEW!” Suave says and then announces the entrance of Charlene Ann Beckworth, the official ring announcer (and co-owner) of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. She walks out to the ring to a nice ovation from the patrons. “The last time we saw Charlene Ann, her wedding reception was invaded by Justin Sufferable and A. Tom Bomb and she ended up choking out the CEO of BCEW George W at the end.”

After Charlene Ann introduces the champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don partake in their traditional pre-match ritual which consists of chugging down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then breaking the bottle over their heads. “It’s not conventional by any stretch of the imagination,” Suave says, “But it works for them!” The opening bars of Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” blare over the loudspeakers and the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade make their appearance. “Locke and Loade are the #1 contenders!” Suave reports, “this could be a great match.”

The bell rings and Drunken Luchador Dan and Earl Locke lock up. Locke applied a side headlock but Dan stumbled down and slipped out. Locke hit a shoulder block and went back to the headlock. Locke went for another shoulder block but Dan staggered out of the way just in time. Locke tried another shoulder block, Dan attempted to leapfrog Locke but slipped down and accidently crotched Locke to a pop. Loade jumped in the ring and charged Dan and hit some right hands. Dan staggered back to his corner and tagged in Don. Loade then went for a backdrop, but stopped short and attempted a neckbreaker. Don fell to the floor and Loade landed in his back. Locke got a chair. Dan climbed up on the top rope and attempted to splash Loade. He missed badly. Loade missed a swing with the chair and hit the ringpost. Don went for a Fisherman's suplex, but missed a charge and went splat against the corner turnbuckle.
Loade went to the floor and slid a chair into the ring, then a second. Loade set up the chairs, facing each other, and went to suplex Don into them. Don blocked it…actually he passed out and slipped out of Loade’s hands. Dan stumbled back into the ring and knocked Loade forward. Loade tripped and planted his own face into the steel-folding chair. Locke went to cover Don, but Dan floated over and bumped him off. Enraged, Locke connected with a straight right hand to Dan’s stomach and the Drunken Luchador got that ‘funny look’ on his face. “Oh, oh,” Suave said. Locke watched as Dan retched and then spewed a stream of green and brown vomit all over him. Dan then passed out on to of Locke and got the pinfall.


“It’s not textbook and it’s never pretty, but they always seem to get the job done,” Suave says, “The Drunken Luchadors hold on to the tag team titles.”

Suave introduces J.D. Elder, author of the novel Loose Cannons of Buckland County. He is working on a new novel- Loose Cannons- Lock and Load. “Amazing, that’s the same name as this show,” notes Suave. Yes, amazing indeed.

Elder introduces a sneak peek to the new novel. Click here- EXCERPT FROM LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD.

“Very nice,” Suave says. Elder explains the book will be about ordinary people fed up with the status quo in politics. The themes that run throughout the book include the ‘politics as wrestling’ concept to illustrate just how extreme politics has become. The anger that is boiling up over special interests controlling both parties to the detriment of ordinary people who don’t have the funds to buy into the system.

MSCNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann interrupts. “Anger?” he says, “you’re not angry. You haven’t called the President a liar yet! I have. That’s angry. You haven’t called for the President to be impeached yet. I have. Now, that’s really angry.” Elder explains that he feels this is part of the very essence of what’s wrong with politics. Olbermann repeats his assertion that the President is a liar. And then No-Spin Factor and Olbermann’s hated rival Bill O’Reilly comes out. “THIS COULD GET INTERESTING,” Suave observes, “THESE TWO MEN DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER.” O’Reilly derides Olbermann as a third rate loser. Olbermann responds that O’Reilly is a schmuck and he’s gaining on him. Up 37% - O’Reilly down 20%. Again, Elder comments that this is everything that is wrong with the current political culture and adds that the way political discussions have devolved Olbermann and O’Reilly might as well just get in the ring and beat the hell out of each other. “That’s fine!” Olbermann says and both men hit the ring.

“IT’S ANOTHER IMPROMPTU MATCH,” Suave says, “OLBERMANN IS THE UP AND COMER. O’REILLY’S THE WILY VETERAN. O’Reilly slapped Olbermann and jumped him. That advantage lasted only briefly. Olbermann hit a springboard elbow, back leg round kick, knees from the clinch, running knee, bulldog, and slaps. He hit the banzai drop and attacked O’Reilly with punches, stomps and elbow. Olbermann slapped O’Reilly, and No Spin Factor responds with punches and a sit down power bomb. Olbermann gave him a clothesline and then stood on O’Reilly’s chest for good measure. O’Reilly responded with a low blow and threw a chair into Olbermann’s head twice. O’Reilly went for the camel clutch but Olbermann reversed it, lifted him up and nailed a side slam. Olbermann hit a kick off the top rope. They went to the outside where O’Reilly rammed Olbermann into the ring steps. O’Reilly got up on the top rope and drop kicked him into the steel barricade. O’Reilly rolled Olbermann back into the ring for the pin.


“Olbermann was the aggressor,” Suave says. “And he may yet get over on the No Spin Factor.” He is interrupted again by the horried off-key mariachi band playing “Hail to the Chief.” Suave says good, let’s see what George W says about this supposed three way dance for the BCEW championship belt. George W, flanked as always by his aide de camp Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove, climbs into the ring.

The CEO of BCEW tries to explain why he has the authority to alter the stipulation from Loose Cannons Unleashed II that the winner of that match would get the title shot against Chris Escondido. “It is clear that we are now facing a different situation now,” W argues, “and that necessitates taking action to promote fairness to all factions within BCEW.” “WHAT SITUATION?” Suave asks, “Justin Sufferable won the right to get his title shot because W tried to affect the ending of the match by hitting his own guy!” W then goes on to say that this will clarify once and for all protocols for determining who gets title shots. W: “We can’t afford NOT to make this change.” The crowd disagrees and boos.

Straight Talkin’ John McCain appears with Lindsey Graham and the ol’ Navy guy John Warner. “With all due respect,” the Straight Talker says, “I read, and I think everyone else read, the stipulations state quite clearly that the winner of the Justin Sufferable/A. Tom Bomb got the title shot.” McCain tells W it’s not right to change the wording just because a member of the American Patriots didn’t win the match. W responds that the wrestler in question is no longer a member of the American Patriots and he has the right to alter the matchup. Dick: “He IS the CEO of BCEW you know! We can do…I mean, HE can do whatever he wants to protect the integrity of the BCEW championship.” McCain smiles and tells Dick that all title matchups are approved by the competition committee made up of members of the Progressive Alliance and the American Patriots. He notes that the revised matchup for the main event hasn’t been approved yet and since he’s on the committee he’ll make sure that it doesn’t get approved. McCain, Graham, and Warner turn and walk away leaving W, Dick, and the Mastermind fuming in the ring.

Charlene Ann Beckworth enters the ring. Dick immediately demands an apology from Charlene Ann for choking out George W at Loose Cannons Unleashed II (Episode 16-year one). “No touches the CEO of BCEW like that,” Dick says, “no one.” Charlene Ann stands her ground. “Um, I don’t think so. That was my wedding reception,” she responds. Again Dick demands an apology; again, Charlene Ann refuses. “This is your last chance,” warns Dick who threatens to send in Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld and the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes to extract the apology.

“That’s no way to treat a lady,” a female voice says. “IT’S THE DOMESTIC DIVA, MARTHA STEWART!” says Suave. “WHAT IS SHE DOING OUT HERE?” Martha Stewart explains that she all too familiar with being mistreated by a man- “Billionaire Don Trump, for example,” she explains. Stewart lectures Dick to be more compassionate with Charlene Ann’s plight. “You guys busted into her wedding reception. The way I see it, you owe her an apology,” she says. Dick tells her to mind her own damn business and tells Mr. Old School and Starz N. Stripes to hold Charlene Ann down. Suddenly the lights went out and the crowd sensed something was about to happen.

The lights came back up. “IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Suave shouted as Cantrell (Charlene Ann’s father) with his steel-folding chair and a woman holding a kendo stick appeared behind Mr. Old School and the Rookie Sensation. “AND THAT’S THE SIX FOOT TALL BLOND DEMOLITION MACHINE IN A SHORT SKIRT DAWN McGILL!” *CLANG* Cantrell took out Mr. Old School with the folding chair. *WHACK* *WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK* McGill filleted Starz N. Stripes with a series of kendo stick shots to the back. Cantrell turns to Dick. Dick decides to run for it and sprints towards the back. They roll Mr. Old School and the Rookie Sensation out of the ring and Charlene Ann announces the next match.

Trump attacked Stewart from behind and took over with punches, chokes and a drop kick. Stewart gets away by swinging her purse (loaded with God-knows-what inside) and stuns the Billionaire. Stewart jumped on the barricade and attempted a moonsault. She jumped off the top but missed and slammed into the edge of the ring. Trump followed up with clotheslines and a monkey flip. He went to the top turnbuckle, but Stewart crotched him and hung up on the ropes by his jewels. Still, Trump was able to knock Stewart off the ropes and then motions to George to come in. George hits a full nelson slam and they beat on her 2 on 1 until a female raced from the back to make the save. “THAT’S CAROLYN!” Suave says, “SHE’S THE ONE WHO JUST GOT FIRED BY BILLIONAIRE BOB TRUMP FOR BEING NOT BEING FOCUSED ENOUGH ON HIM!” George received a DDT from Carolyn. Then she kicked Billionaire Don in the balls with her pointed high heel business shoe. “OW! UH. THAT HURTS JUST WATCHING IT!” Suave observed, thankful that the inanimate lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain next to him was incapable of doing the same. Trump crumples to the ground. Martha Stewart covers and gets her revenge on Billionaire Don Trump.


“Wow! I bet Billionaire Don didn’t bet that firing Carolyn would bite him in the ass,” Suave observes, “…wait……I’m getting a message from the back… something happened……let’s go back to the locker room…”

Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance lies unconscious on the floor, blood flowing from his forehead and the side of his mouth. The big three of the Progressive Alliance: The American Screamer Howard Deane, The Attack Poodle Nancy Puglosi, and the Pith Lord Harry Reed tend to him. “HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE TOOK JUSTIN SUFFERBLE OUT!” Suave says. Sufferable starts to stir a little. “Who did this,” Deane asks, “who did this?” Sufferable mumbles something unintelligible.

Opal Winfree, the Oprah Winfrey wannabe, is accompanied as always by her flock: Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy. “THIS IS A BIG ONE!” Suave overstates, This is a match up between two very respected women. “This should be a great match!” Suave predicts.

Then “Sports Entertainment Guy” Seg McMann appears. “Hold it…hold everything,” he says approaching the ring. Seg tells both women that he appreciates their talent but wrestling fans don’t want to see two women wrestle in a traditional match. They want to see ‘sports entertainment.’ Rice tries to tells Seg the audience doesn’t want to see sports entertainment and she’d bring George W out if needed. “Actually, I’m here because George W sent me out here, Seg responds, “because he believes in my vision.” Seg waves to the back. “Come on out Tessa.” BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin walks to the ring. Seg tells the audience that now they’ll get to see just what real sports entertainment is all about. The Hack’s audience doesn’t seem all that impressed. Tessa, dressed in her usual pizza delivery attire, climbs into the ring. Two ring techs wheel out what appears to be a stripper’s pole. “This is Tessa Martin,” Seg says, “and she will be the new face of what sports entertainment will be in BCEW! Soap opera for men. More skin. More chicks. More eye candy. Mud wrestling matches. Bras and panties matches…” Tessa doesn’t look too sure about this. Seg then announces that the first official act of the new ‘sports entertainment era in BCEW’ will be kissing “this red-blooded American girl.” “WHAT?” Suave exclaims, “WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WRESTLING?” Tessa felt the same way. Seg looked for a smooch and she wouldn’t have anything to do with it. “That’s okay,” Seg says, “instead, how about doing a striptease for all the fans. Tessa’s eyes widen. “Ah excuse me,” she says, “you never said anything about kissing…or stripping…or anything like that.” Seg tells Tessa he likes her look and would like it even better after she strips. “This is what Sports Entertainment is all about! Give the people what they want!” The crowd again voices their disagreement. Tessa flatly tells Seg no. Seg says she signed a contract and she has to. Tessa refuses. Seg says he owns her and she’ll do it. Tessa tells Seg to kiss her ass and starts to leave. Seg, very angry, grabs her by the arm. Tessa bats it away. “Let it go Seg,” Suave says, “she’s not going to…” AIIIEEEEEEEE! “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Tessa locked in the claw on Seg’s nether regions and Seg turned four shades of red before turning blue and passing out. She let go and Seg flopped to the canvas.

“Well, that didn’t work out very well for Sports Entertainment Guy,” Suave gloated, “Let’s get back to some real wrestling action…except…who’s going to wrestle next?” Inexplicably, Martin Daniels comes out to the ring. Who is he? “This guy’s the chairman of a large corporation going through bankruptcy,” Suave explains, “the company is getting flack because it wants to give it’s top execs bonuses while it’s rank and file workers aren’t guaranteed a job past next Tuesday.” Daniels attempts to explain to the BCEW fans why it’s important to pay executives obscene amounts of money for bonuses. “They’ve got bills to pay,” Daniels says, “it takes a lot of money to pay for houses in exclusive areas, country club fees, designer clothes, fancy cars, yachts, summer house, the list goes on and on. How can they afford to live if they don’t receive their bonuses?” The crowd totally disagrees and starts to jeer the poor executive. Amidst a hail of debris that is being thrown into the ring, Daniels again tries to justify the outrageous bonuses. “Poor people just don’t have those type of expenses,” he bemoaned.

Two hourly workers from his corporation barely making enough to make ends meet run in from the back. Daniels looks surprised, then terrified. “Stay away, you, you unsalaried worker you.” The two men step closer. A third hourly worker sneaks in from behind with a steel-folding chair. *CLANG* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “HE DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! JUST LIKE HIS WORKERS NEVER SAW THEIR UPCOMING UNEMPLOYMENT COMING EITHER!”

Backstage, Seg is pissed off. Throwing things. Cursing up a storm. Seg vows to get vengeance on the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin for spurning him. A college student wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. (Alpha Sigma Sigma) comes up to Seg. “You want to get back at Tessa Martin,” he says to Seg, “we want to get back at Tessa Martin. She got us busted at college. We got kicked out of school and our frat shut down.” Seg told him he was listening. The student put his arm around Seg and they walked down the hall.

“Okay, I don’t know who he is,” Suave says, “but apparently he’s well acquainted with the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

Another cheap plug for the upcoming book: Loose Cannons- Lock and Load.

“I’m not sure how we’re going to have a match. Justin Sufferable was taken out a little while ago,” Suave says as the champion warms up in the ring. The off-key mariachi band comes out again playing a raggedly bad version of “Hail to the Chief.” “I guess we’re about to find out what’s going to happen,” Suave continues. W, Dick, The Mastermind, and Starz N. Stripes come out to the ring.

“Since Justin Sufferable cannot wrestle tonight due to an unfortunate incident a few minutes ago,” announces W as Dick smirks in the middle of the ring and the Mastermind points at his temple yet again to remind us that he’s a freakin’ genius. “Under the guidelines set forth by the BCEW competition committee, I have the right to name his replacement.” “Gee. I wonder who’ll THAT will be?” Suave sarcastically asks. Charlene Ann Beckworth introduces the Escondido’s opponent. No surprise. It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes who comes out to take Justin Sufferable’s place. The Rookie Sensation has a little of the deer in the headlights look as he heads to the ring. George W, Dick, and The Mastermind appear to be quite pleased with themselves having ‘outwitted’ the Progressive Alliance. Or so they thought.

Starz N. Stripes starts to climb into the ring gets jumped from behind. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” Suave says. Sufferable quickly wipes the smiles off of George W, Dick, and The Mastermind’s face. Bandaged up and extremely upset, he starts whipping the living hell out of the Rookie Sensation with a Singapore Cane. The champion, Chris Escondido, relaxs and leans against the ropes watching Starz N. Stripes curl up into a little ball as Sufferable keeps caning the crap out of him. Suddenly, it seems the entire locker room empties out. “HOLY CRAP! HERE THEY ALL COME!” Suave says as members of both American Patriots and Progressive Alliance join in and a major free for all breaks out. “IT’S AN ALL-OUT BRAWL!” Suave calls out, “CHRIS ESCONDIDO’S FIRST REAL TITLE DEFENSE IS GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT! BCEW EXTREME TV COMING UP IN THREE WEEKS FROM THE HENRY COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS IN NAPOLEON, OHIO. SEE YOU THEN!”