The crowd chants ‘BCEW!” “Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio!” Johnny Suave says, “This is BCEW-Politics Is War on the Comic Book Channel!” Suave introduces himself and his broadcast partner tonight, Sports Entertainment Guy Seg McMann. McMann looks more humble this show after what happened on the last BCEW Politics Is War cable show. “Tonight, our main event is a six man tag team battle between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance as we move ever closer to next week’s pay per view, BCEW Extreme Election Night,” Suave announces. “Both teams are getting pep talks tonight.”
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
The members of the Progressive Alliance meet to plot strategy for BCEW Extreme Election Night. “The American Screamer” Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, introduces the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK (aka John F’n Kerry) to speak. Kerry gives a few brief prefunctionary remarks about how important it is to win next week at BCEW Extreme Election Night. Then he offers some closing advice for the Progressive Alliance: "You know, success, if you make the most of it, you work hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be as good as you can, you can do well. If you don't, you end up stuck in some dumpy, lower league wrestling federation." “WHAT!” Suave exclaims. “What the hell did he just say?”
AMERICAN PATRIOT MEETING
“Did you hear what the Massachusetts Blueblood just said?” the CEO of George W tells the assembled members of the American Patriots. “JFK has given us a great opportunity to prove him wrong!” The rank and file members of the American Patriots murmurs in agreement. “We’ve got a huge six man tag team match tonight,” George W says, “we will win this match tonight and go into BCEW Extreme Election with momentum!” Virginian George Allen speaks up and tells W he’ll do anything in his power to……suddenly a commotion breaks out. A Progressive Alliance blogger taunts Allen. The Raving Rednecks, Loade and Locke, put the blogger in a choke hold and gives him the 4-D Redneck Death Blast on the locker room floor.
“Wow,” Suave says, “you can tell the nerves are getting frayed a bit.” Screaming, skidding tires interrupt Suave and the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin makes her way to the ring. “I wonder what she’s got to say?” Suave asks. McMann retorts that Martin isn’t worth his time. Tessa tells McMann once and for all to leave her alone. “I’m done,” she says, “I don’t want fame and fortune if it means compromising who I am.”
Suave explains that Tessa is referring to what Seg McMann tried to do on the last cable show. “Let’s recap what took place last time on BCEW Politics Is War,” Suave says. “Awww, no. Do we have to?” McMann whines.
LAST SHOW RECAP
“Oh no!” Suave said two weeks ago as a bruised and battered Seg McMann and Skip, the President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, lead the hypnotized BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin out to the ring. “It’s time for the moment you all have been waiting for!” McMann said and then added, “and me too.” Skip has an evil grin. McMann ordered Tessa to go into the ring and do a strip tease. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Suave shouted, agreeing with the objecting crowd, “HE’S STOPPING A GREAT MATCH FOR HIS OWN EGO GRATIFICATION! As the crowd loudly jeered, Seg sat down in a chair. “OH COME ON!” Suave said as Tessa removed her shoes, socks, jeans, and finally her shirt, “THIS IS NOT RIGHT ON SO MANY LEVELS!” Down to her undergarments, Seg got a drooling, sick smile on his face when Tessa began to lift up her sports bra. Skippy also literally had his tongue sticking out like a wolf. Then, Tessa motioned for both Seg and Skip to come over. Suave is apoplectic at this point. Seg and Skip walk over and again Tessa began to lift up her sports bra. Then she smiled and swiftly grabbed both Seg and Skip and… AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (in stereo) …gave them the testicular claw. The crowd exploded. “YES!” Suave says, “YES! YES! YES!” In intense pain, both Seg and Skip’s face turned red and then blue. Then Seg and Skip finally passed out……
Tessa states that Seg made lots of promises to her but she had no idea what he had in mind. “I’m a pizza delivery driver, I’m not a wrestler, and I’m not some chick to gawk at,” Tessa says. Then she throws down the mic and starts to leave. Then she is confronted. “Excuse me,” she says and tries to go around a stranger who blocks her way. “I said, excuse me!” she said again. The man again refuses to move. “I don’t know who you are-” Tessa says but is interrupted. The man tells Tessa she can call him ‘Duc Tape.’ “Duc Tape?” Suave says, “what the hell kind of name is that?” Tessa apparently agrees because she busts out laughing at the man’s name. A referee suddenly shows up…
MATCH #1 BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. DUC TAPE
“What the hell is this?” Suave says, “an impromptu intergender match?” McMann smiles. Tessa and Duc Tape lock up in the middle of the ring. The referee breaks. Duc Tape refuses to let her go. Tessa break loose, takes a step back, and *WHAM* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “she just kicked Duc Tape in the freakin’ nether regions!” A “She’s hardcore” chant breaks out. Tessa again attempts to climb out of the ring. Duc Tape suddenly jumps up and flicks two rolls of duct tape hidden underneath his sleeves towards Tessa. The black duct tape wraps around her legs. “WHAT THE-” Suave exclaims. Immobilized, Tessa loses her balance and falls to the canvas. Wind knocked out of her, Tessa lies on the canvas while Duc Tape covers her. One, two, and three. Match over.
WINNER: DUC TAPE
Seg McMann smiles as Duc Tape flips Tessa over to duct tape her hands behind her back. Tessa tries to get loose but Duc Tape works very fast. Then he puts a couple of strips over her mouth and then carts her to a waiting van outside.
“Okay,” Suave says, “except for the brief wrestling action, what did any of that have to do with wrestling?” “Absolutely nothing,” Seg McMann says, “but our research indicates that our core, target audience likes this type of action, slash, soap opera stuff. And so does the head of the Comic Book Channel.”
Cut to the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley, who watches the show from his mother’s basement. He flashes a thumbs up sign. “BRUUUUUUCE!” his mother yells from upstairs, “IT’S YOUR NIGHT TO WASH THE DISHES!” “AW COME ON MOM!” Bruce shouts, “I’M WATCHING THE WRESTLING SHOW!”
Suave again runs down the card for BCEW Extreme Election Night:
- Virginian George Allen (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Little Gipper’ James Webb (Progressive Alliance)
- “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker (American Patriots) vs. “Fancy” Harold Ford, Jr. (Progressive Alliance)
- An Ohio Death Match between Sherrod ‘Not So Slim Shady’ Brown (Progressive Alliance) and Mike DeWine (American Patriots) of the ‘Gang of 14.’
- Connecticut Grudge Match between Joe Lieberman (Independent) and Ned Lamont (Progressive Alliance) with the Left Wing Bloggers.
- The Tag Team belts on the line: BCEW champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independent) vs. The Green World Order’s Peacenik #1 and #2 (Progressive Alliance).
- The huge main event: BCEW title match between Independent ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Justin’s last shot at the title.
The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade come out and ask how are they are the number one contenders for the BCEW Tag Team belts but the Peacenik’s get the title shot at BCEW Extreme Election Night? Then the Bomb Brothers come out. The lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads Sign Dude and A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb to the ring. Sign Dude’s sign reads: “Where’s Our Title Shot?” A-Bomb gets on the mic and states they’re the number two contenders, why didn’t they get the title shot?
Felcher and Felcher, official extreme attorneys at law for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance, come out and explains that due to the Peacenik’s win over Politically Incorrect a few weeks back, they went out and received an injunction from the court that states Peacenik’s 1 & 2 get a title shot against the Drunken Luchadors. “Say what?” Suave exclaims. CEO of BCEW George W comes out. He tells Felcher and Felcher that the injunction may state that the Peacenik’s get the title shot against the Drunken Luchadors, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t add another team to the title match. “That’s right, tonight, The Raving Rednecks will face the Bomb Brothers with the winner to be added to the tag team title match next week at BCEW Extreme Election Night!” Felcher and Felcher are furious. “You can’t do that!” R Felcher complains, “that’s not fair!”
“Let’s go back to the ongoing soap opera,” Seg McMann says. “Let’s not,” Suave replies. Suave loses.
THE ADVENTURES OF BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN SEGMENT
Duc Tape drops off the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl in a dark room with a bright spotlight shining down. The light shines on her face. “Hello Tessa,” a voice says. “MMMMPHHH,” she replies. “Oh,” the voice responds. A man walks into the light and untapes her mouth. “OWWW!” she says. “Sorry. You can call me Garth Bader,” the man says. “Oh, you’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me!” Suave says to Seg McMann, “Garth freakin’ Bader? This is your brilliant male soap opera?” “SHHHH,” Seg replies. Bader is a rival pizza restaurateur and wants Tessa to drive for her. Tessa wonders why. Bader tells her that she has ‘it.’ “She has WHAT?” Suave says. “Shut up and listen,” Seg says. Bader again tells her that she has ‘it.’ She is strong with ‘it.’ “What are you talking about?” Tessa asks. Bader tells her that she has until the end of the show to make up her mind. “If you won’t drive for me,” he says, “you won’t drive for anyone else.” Tessa tells him she’ll think about ‘it.’ .
“Okay, that made absolutely no sense at all,” Suave says, “especially on a political wrestling show.” “It’s what the people want,” Seg responds. “No, it’s what YOU want to see,” points out Suave. “I’m not the only one,” Seg replies. “Right Bruce?”
Again, cut to the basement. Bruce flashes a thumbs up and points at the TV. “See! He likes it,” Seg points out. Then Bruce’s mother calls down again and yells at him to get his ass upstairs and do the dishes.
MATCH #2 THE RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (American Patriots) VS. THE BOMB BROTHERS w/ Daisy Cutter Bomb and Sign Dude (Independents)
“Big match here,” Suave says, “Winner gets a title shot next week in a 3 way dance with the Peaceniks and the Drunken Luchadors. The bell rings and A-Bomb runs over Earl Locke with a shoulder block early on. H-Bomb grabs Locke along the ropes and delivers an inverted neckbreaker. Gary Loade races across the ring and drop kicks H-Bomb to the floor. Locke flies over the top rope and splashes H-Bomb. Daisy Cutter-Bomb screamed when Locke tried to cover H-Bomb outside the ring. Loade went for a drop kick off the ropes, but H-Bomb catches him with a seated slam on for a nearfall. H-Bomb heaves Loade back in the ring and A-Bomb applies a submission hold. Loade gets out and then comes back with a springboard elbow smash and leg kick. Daisy Cutter-Bomb jumped on the apron for a momentary distraction, which allowed A-Bomb to recover and then catch Loade flying off the ropes with a wicked clothesline. Loade came back with a springboard Tornado DDT. Both men recover on the mat while a ‘BCEW’ chant starts up.
The crowd boos when Felcher and Felcher come to the ring and gets on the mic. “You might as well stop the match.,” R Felcher says, “I have another injunction here and it doesn’t matter which of you two teams win.” R Felcher waves the injunction in the air. “This says you aren’t wrestling for the title!” B Felcher states. The crowd boos and the action stops in the ring. Both teams glare at the attorneys. Both Felchers look rather satisfied with themselves. Felcher and Felcher nod and then turn to head back to the locker room. They sneer at Sign Dude when they pass by. Sign Dude plasters R Felcher with his sign. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out as the crowd rises up to cheer. Daisy Cutter-Bomb then lays out B Felcher with a straight right hand. Both The Raving Rednecks and the Bomb Brothers shake hands and then join in the fun. Both teams took turns pummeling Felcher and Felcher. Then A-Bomb called for two tables and H-Bomb and Locke and Loade set them up outside the ring. Both Felchers were placed on the tables. A-Bomb and Earl Locke climbed to the top rope. They jump and… “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Suave as both Felchers are plastered through the tables. ‘BCEW!......BCEW!’ chants the crowd.
WINNER: No one.
“Well, that’s not the ending I wanted to see,” Suave says. “But it’ll do.”
MASSACHUSETTS BLUEBLOOD JFK PROMO
JFK is ticked off over the American Patriots and most notably, BCEW CEO George W’s reaction to his joke. “I’m the Massachusetts Blueblood!” JFK indignantly says, “how dare you criticize me? At least I reported for duty unlike the American Patriot hacks that surround the BCEW CEO George W.!” JFK then says shame on them and that he won’t apologize for his criticism of George W. “Which came off as a slam against wrestlers working in a dump, lower league wrestling federation,” Suave points out. “I heard one of the wrestlers back stage said it’s not bad enough he blew 2004, now JFK is trying to blow 2006, too.”
MATCH #3- SIX MAN TAG TEAM BATTLE BETWEEN THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS VS. PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE.
On the Progressive Alliance’s side: “Fancy” Harold Ford, Jr., Sherrod Brown, and Jim Webb. For the American Patriots: “The Real Tennessean” Bob Corker, Mike DeWine, and George Allen.
“Here we go,” Suave says, “the American Screamer Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi ringside for the Progressive Alliance. The Mastermind Karl Rove and George W’s aide de camp Dick for the American Patriots. Ford and Corker start but quickly all six men are in the ring. Ford took a beating from Corker. Webb makes his comeback with a standing side kick to George Allen. Brown works over DeWine. Corker continues to work on Ford, Brown lands a leg drop on DeWine, and Allen quickly came back and slams Webb headfirst into the turnbuckle. Webb ducks a clothesline then drop kicks Allen to the floor. There, the American Screamer Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi deliver a few shots of their own. Corker slingshots out of the ring and hits a cross body splash. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as both Dean and Pelosi crash to the floor. “Corker again, pulling out all the stops.” The crowd chants ‘BCEW!’
Corker and Ford continue to brawl on the outside. Brown rolled up DeWine in the corner for a nearfall. The Mastermind Karl Rove clotheslined Brown to the mat. Instead of getting of the ring, Rove gets caught by Sherrod Brown with a clothesline. He choked Rove in the corner before DeWine comes over and slaps Brown. Suddenly, Ohio’s Governor Bob Taft, Bob Ney, and Tom Noe inexplicatively show up ringside. DeWine gets distracted and turns away from Brown to tell them to go away, that he doesn’t need their help. Brown runs DeWine over with a boot. He knocks down DeWine again then hits Rolling Landslide for a nearfall. It breaks down into four-way brawling in the ring. Brown vs. DeWine. Allen vs. Webb. Allen then whacks Webb with a steel folding chair and goes for a cover. Suddenly, the Progressive Alliance blogger who got into it with Allen earlier in the show jumps in the ring and smacks Allen in the back with a foreign object. Brown throws DeWine over the top rope out of the ring. Webb chokeslams Allen and before Rove or Dick can make the save, covers for the win.
WINNER: PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE.
“A HUGE win for the Progressive Alliance going into BCEW Extreme Election next week!” Suave says. “It looks like the momentum is on their side.”
JUSTIN SUFFERABLE PROMO
“Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” he says. Sufferable tells the BCEW Champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido that he’d better be ready for an all out extreme war. He says the last time BCEW Politics Is War was on the air, he got screwed out of his title shot and it left a bad taste in his mouth- bad enough that he actually threw up. “At BCEW Extreme Election Night, nothing will stop me from my destiny, winning the BCEW Title,” Sufferable says and then adds, “My name is Justin Sufferable and I approved this mess-” “WHAT THE HELL!” Suave shouts as Triple R (Road Rage Randy) attacks Sufferable with a lead pipe. “What is he doing?” Triple R whacks away at the right knee of Sufferable. “TRIPLE R IS GOING TONYA HARDING ON JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” says Suave. Immediately, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid race to stop Triple R. “SUFFERABLE HAS JUST BEEN ASSAULTED BY TRIPLE R! HOW WILL HE BE ABLE TO WRESTLE CHRIS ESCONDIDO?” Suave asks. Finally, Triple R is removed and Dean tends to Justin Sufferable. “He may not be able to go next week,” Suave surmises. Paramedics come in and stretcher Sufferable out to a waiting ambulance.
“Well, that’s going to wrap things-” Suave says before he’s interrupting by Seg on the big screen television. “We have to see what happened a few minutes ago,” Seg says. Suave sighs and tells Seg to go on.
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL
Seg reminds everyone that that BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin had until a few minutes ago to decide if she would drive for Garth Bader. “Oh vey,” mutters Suave. “She was delivering a pizza…and this is what happened.” Tessa comes up to the door carrying a pizza. She knocks. The door opens. She’s invited inside. Tessa is told the owner is out in back with the money. She puts the pizza down and walks through the kitchen towards a back foyer that looks kind of like a meat locker. She opens the door and steps inside. Suddenly a blast of ice covered up by a big cloud billows from the meat locker. A few seconds later, the cloud dissipates and there is Tessa encased in a block of ice. “Oh my God,” Suave says, “are we ripping off Star Wars now? This is not wrestling!” Seg walks up to the frozen BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and grins. “No one, I repeat, no one makes a fool of Seg McMann.” McMann evilly laughs. “She all yours Garth.” “UGH,” Suave comments as rival pizza store owner Garth Bader carts off the frozen Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl.
Bruce, the President of the Comic Book Channel, flashes another thumbs up at the “Sports Entertainment” section of the show. Then the basement goes dark. “MOMMMMMM!”
“Yea. Happy Halloween everyone. I guess we’ll have to find out next time on BCEW Politics Is War what happens to the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. I’m Johnny Suave. BCEW Extreme Election next Tuesday…” Suave is interrupted again, this time by the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK. “I just came out to say…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I misspoke. I botched the line. My bad. Sorry…I’m really, really, really sorry…” Suave tries to sign off as JFK continues to profusely apologize. “See you next week!”